Why MARRIAGE KILLS SEX: without separation there is no necessity for reunion 

The general trend in long-term relationships is for the frequency and intensity of sex to decline as a function of time. Why is this the case? It turns out that sex is an extremely complex behavior: it's not just about pleasure and reproduction. One of its primary functions is to facilitate emotional bonding. This is why sex is typically hot and heavy at the beginning of the courtship process, when no bond as yet exists. Creating a stable and secure relationship -- paradoxically -- eliminates one of the primary functions of sex: it works toward its own obsolesce. This is why space and separation are necessary to keep the passion alive. Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-WrXBzQ2HDEQ.html Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: ru-vid.com/show-UCSduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Sponsor an episode: oriontarabanpsyd.com/sponsor-an-episode Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #marriage #relationship

"Familiarity breeds contempt" "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" There's a reason for sayings like these...

As some very wise man once said : the secret to a happy marriage is not to be at home too much.

Most men think getting married guarantees them unlimited sex. If only they knew it was the opposite.

My current girlfriend and I used to have sex every time we saw each other (usually 1-2x per week). Then when we moved in together during covid, it slowly went from 2-3x per week to 1x per week to 1x every two weeks to what was quickly becoming 1x per month and completely lacking any passion on her end. It felt like pity sex and that it was a chore for her. Honestly, by late last year, I was ready to begin casually looking for another girlfriend with how unsatisfied I was becoming. Early this year, I started going to the office more, going back to my running club in my old neighborhood 2-3x per week, and (just by happenstance) traveling for work one week a month, all of which was helping me work through the idea that my relationship was failing and helping me get back out there. Kind of counterintuitively, she started initiating sex and being more receptive to my advances. I'm not sure if she was actually missing me or if she was worried I was going to bail, but it worked. We're back to about 1x per week with what feels like a much more exciting connection to each other, and I'm happy with our relationship again. Never let her take you for granted, gentlemen.

Once the competition anxiety goes away the other person gets comfortable thinking they have the other one locked down

I never take my husband for granted. Our sex life is a priority with me. We have out own lives...but love being together....i realize how lucky i am....and so does he. We never let our relarionship fall by the wayside....its been 20 years....and im still head over heels for him......i do whatever he wants in the bedroom.....his happiness is always my main concern....i guess we r lucky!

The solution is to learn to be an independent human being, and not be needy to others..

Intimacy will always dwindle when the husband isn't her first choice and she only married to get security for life. This's what happens when men don't have standards or disregards women's past or family. Pay close to attention to her family, social circle and her dating history it won't be difficult to predict her future behavior.

Experienced divorce lawyer here. In my view and experience, couples who live separately (whether married or not) have better intimacy.

After binge watching all your videos, relationships just all seem way too complicated. I think I'll become a Monk.

The problem with this mock affair tactic is that some women will react by getting withdrawn, depressed and insecure instead of becoming more sexually active. So this could start a death spiral for the marriage.

As a woman I can say this is soo true.. That's why it is also so important to have your own life and projects and never be 100% available to keep a bit of the mystery alive.

This was my exact experience. I was brutally honest with my wife. I told my wife, who I was faithful to, that I was becoming more interested in other woman and actively desiring them. I started consistently dressing better, noticing females more when she was with me, and told her I was unsure of the point of marriage since I don't want children. She quickly became an initiator of sex, something she rarely did before, and was also much more receptive to me teasing her and then getting sex later when I initiated on my term.

Another good tip for men is to praise their woman during sex. Women respond to praise far more than they ever do to criticism, so if a man is especially approving of her while having sex, she'll be more inclined to do it. It sounds stupidly obvious, but a lot of men fall into a trap that they believe she already knows she's sexy, beautiful, etc. but then they build a habit of having sex without much actual praise for the woman during it. It's far more effective for example to say things instead of "this is so hot" tell her "you are so hot". A common complaint from wives or women in long term commitments is that the man gets complacent, pumps a few times, turns over when he's done and falls asleep. A man should really express his gratitude for her and she'll be enthusiastic about taking care of his needs. It's like that same trap where a couple falls out of love because they stop verbally appreciating each other. If there's something you enjoy your woman doing, *tell her often.*

So make your partner feel anxious and insecure. Awesome plan!

My wife has a trauma related to finding out that her father cheated on her beloved mother. She hates her father. When she suspects me having an affair she also shifts the contempt she has for her father onto me. This makes her experience rather intense and unpleasant.

It's how people talk to each other and care about each other on a daily basis that kills it or nurtures it....

When it comes to women or relationship in general, there is only one rule that there are no rules. Being at home always or not being at home at all is not the deal maker or breaker. The main thing is about bonding. If bonding is good then all other factors vanish. But in every aspect of life, be it money, sex life, health, fun....always choose balance. Too much or too less of anything will bounce back.

While I agree that maintaining mystery and space is important to keep relationships fresh, I’m not so sure that pretending to be having an affair may yield the wanted results, it’s very possible that if one partner is pretending to have an affair the other partner may just walk away from the relationship altogether. This tactic can work in casual relationships be could reckless in a marriage situation.

If I suspected my so was cheating on me or was checked out of the relationship I'd end things. Communicate honestly, share your needs and listen to hers. If you or your partner refuse to make each other's needs a consistent priority it's time to call it.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.😂

You’re talking about insecure attachment style. Sex shouldn’t involve attachment, it should be an expression of deep gratitude for the amazing connection you have with this other person. When you spend every day just amazed at how lucky you are to have such a wonderful, compatible partner in your life, you want to express that physically. The best sex isn’t insecure, it’s based on admiration.

I’ve been with my husband for a total of 20 years, but our marriage has never been sexless. Since the beginning of our relationship, we both have been into health and fitness, which I think helps a great deal with having regulated hormones, hence, a stronger libido for both of us. I’ve noticed with my friends who have good nutrition and are physically fit tend to have sex in the bedroom. There of course are other factors to this. My husband is highly motivated and can at times work long hours. So there is that factor of missing him and basically knowing he has other things in his life going on other than his family.

I can honestly say I've been having regular sex, 2-3 times per day, for the last 40 years. The only thing that reduces that number is when i have someone there with me.

I can attest to the accuracy of this premise. A buddy had a brief affair behind his long-time wife's back. She suspected something was up, and like magic, she started trying a lot harder: she initiated sex, she made more effort to keep a nice house, etc. He said it was like somebody flicked a switch on her. Another buddy had just started dating a girl, when she asked about getting together the following weekend. He said that he had a date with another girl. When she said WTF, he reminded her that they had had no discussion or agreement that they were exclusive, to which she reluctantly agreed. Two days later, the first girl asks him out for the next weekend and began to pursue him instead of allowing him to be the pursuer. They've been happily married for years. Dr. Orion is da bomb!

Be strong brother

I'm sorry doctor but I have to completely disagree with this one. Sex is about 5 times more common in committed relationships than it is in singledom with even the most prolific sex addicts. Now, I agree that attachment systems become highly deregulated by uncertainty which can increase sexual desire and/or arousal, but comfort, safety, and commitment create deeper bonds that increase sexual desire for each other. The biggest factor in predicting frequency of sex in a healthy committed relationship is the physical sexiness of the two individuals. This is supported by data that is largely ignored in our culture, because it would indicate that obesity is killing marriages (which it is).

If people adhered to God's Holy Word, most of these problems disappear. Don't have sex before marriage. And be completely faithful to your husband or wife. And "acting like you're going to have an affair", will cause massive damage.❤

Your channel should be much bigger than it is. But that’s okay-it will get there soon.

Acting like you're having an affair, especially if you're a man, might compel your wife or gf to actually go out to cheat herself. I've seen it. I've seen men who either intentionally or unintentionally seemed like they were having an affair by being distant get cheated on in turn. It's a delicate balance to strike. You need space to create longing but there also needs communication to keep the other person from seeking intimacy from somewhere else.

Thank you! Finally a very cogent, well structured, and honest response about the topic. Because every single time the topic is discussed, you’ll have hoards of people claiming that they have been married for 50 years and their sex life is crazy and they have sex twice a day. That’s ridiculous. It is impossible to keep the attraction alive

One of your better videos. I salute you. This is why a man can never rest. He can never get fat. Never get isolated from other women and interactions.

This mainly based on the current culture of dating and relationships. Due to no one being virgins and having multiple partners, people have built the need for separation.

After I got married, I missed how the relationship was when we were dating. But hard to just keep dating when job requires changes and it becomes long distance. So we took the plunge. I longed for days when my time with him was set aside and not spent doing dishes and laundry. It wasn’t happy for either of us. I think couples should take care of the chores of life independently and reserve together time for something other than work.

A married friend of mine told me upon marriage its "Goodbye free time, sex, money, peace, quiet and freedom" this from a married man.

If you’re suddenly quiet and look far away, the *FIRST* thing she’ll suspect: he’s *_CHEATING_* I just *KNOW IT*

When people get comfortable with their partner they forget to be the version of themselves that their partner fell in love with. Yes people change over time and yes your partner ideally is supposed to grow with you however, you cannot fault your partner for falling out of love with you when you become a completely different person than who they’ve chosen to be with. Yes they are supposed to “love you for you” but you are no longer the “you” they fell in love with. Just like how a man can become comfortable and stop “dating” his woman, a woman can become comfortable by not putting out for her man and keeping up with her looks. If you think it’s okay to leave a man because he isn’t holding up his end of the bargain by stop dating you and providing for you, then you can’t fault him for looking elsewhere when you stop giving him sex and “lose yourself” by not working out and neglecting your physical upkeep.

This only works for men. If a man acts like he’s having an affair in engenders feelings of jealousy & desire. If a woman acts like she’s having an affair, it engenders feelings of anger & disgust.

Yeah. Makes sense because FOMO is a real thing. It’s a feeling of desire for what you ‘think’ you can’t have. Great vid 🙏

Your channel is ‘Priceless’ ! A brilliant logician you ‘are. PERIOD

While there isn't anything wrong with simply making the relationship more playful, this can potentially be destructive advice. There's a plethora of reasons for why people's sex lives change over time and the reasons are not limited to: lack of transparency, communication or effort, a general disconect as you age and change over time, sexual incompatibility over time etc.. I think that leading with this proposition in your relationship (eg. our bond is dwindling due to too much security) can set somebody up for real devastation as they might never be inclined to address the actual problem(s) (that they probably have a hand to play in) and on top of that simulating cheating can straight up ruin your relationship at that point.

Solid content. I'm a couples consellor here and this is solid advice.

I have been watching you since a year and this is one of the best video you have made Mr. Taraban. The way you worded it and the analogies and structure of script are like a nail going through head...straight inside

I am always amazed by how much of our psyche is evolved and pre-wired. These patterns of human behaviour are universal and exist in every culture. I think that vast majority of people give far less importance to this and assume...assume without evidence...that these patterns of thought are "socialized".

Slept with this girl whom I just found out is in a long term relationship. She never spoke upon his name. My guess is she was seeking arousal or unsatisfied sexually? And has that other guy as a placeholder? This has opened my eyes on the dark side of female nature. Something I feel so ashamed of contributing to (although unknowingly). Thank you Mr. PsycHacks for your videos. Potentially life saving videos to many.

I admire how you break down the psychological mechanics behind the honeymoon phase and explain the process behind why it ends.

I’m watching this happen in real time to my relationship and my girl doesn’t seem to know why it’s happening. This is what I needed to see/hear. Thank you sir. I know what I need to do.

This is a piece of great advice. I myself had a similar problem when I was in the early stages of dating. However, once I started not indulging my girlfriends with everything I do, and just doing me without having to spew every small detail, I noticed a significant change.

I absolutely love this advice. The problem is when the thought of your partner being with someone else totally makes you happy... Thats when its the end. Great food for thought...

learned this lesson as a teen. never let a women think she's the only game in town. you can do things to make her wonder bc her imagination will drive her as her feelings engage her.

Wonderful content. Makes complete sense! I haven't come across any other video like this before.

The more I learn about women the less likely I am to get married or enter long term relationship. Love em and leave em thank God for the red pill.

Sex is boring after 5 months together. I wish being together isn't about the sex, but I am unsure what else it would be for. I am paying vast majority of the time. If I lose my job, she would leave me. When I was younger, I held on to the belief love would last a lifetime. When I grew older and experienced dating, I no longer care for it. You are one of her many. She is one of your many.

I think it’s key not to actually have dirt on you when you take on this tactic! She will look, but she must not find anything if your interest is keeping her… Great Post

Not with my ex girlfriend, she was a sex addict. So what was the issue? oh she just got into alcohol and gambling....and texted guys behind my back. Too good to be true definitely was.

Thank you so much for this post. I've been making a study of the modern state of infidelity within Western culture for about a year. Unfortunately, even after all this time, there were some fundamental questions I haven't been able to answer for myself. This post of yours, taken together with a couple of other ones also from you, have finally allowed certain pieces to click into place. I can't thank you enough, not only for the simple nature of the content itself but the remarkably concise and clear way with which you have related it. Literally, I cannot thank you enough.

1) Have separate bathrooms & closets in different rooms. 2) Never dress/undress yourself in front of each other (only undress when it him/her undressing you). 3) Never allow casual nudity between you. Nudity should always be seductive, never casual.

This message 100% geared towards men. Men love predictability. Women hate it. Women love ambiguity. Men hate it.

In short words build mystery even within marriage. In my opinion you should still harness your primal masculine traits within marriage but there should be a healthy balance of it for example if you don't connect emotionally with your woman you can expect her to leave you or cheat but by using emotional connection as a tool and offering it once in a while in healthy amounts it'll lead to your woman craving you more building sexual tension for a long time. Remember too much of everything is bad but just enough is the sweet spot. And this is just my view I always advice you communicate with your partner to know their feelings but I’ve come to see that mystery is required in most marriages

This advice reminds me of David Schnarch, who basically said that one must be a differentiated self (as per Murray Bowen) in order to keep sex alive during marriage. If you have not achieved an adequate level of differentiation of self, then your partner will lose sexual interest in the relationship.

I feel like this advice will work great if you’re married to an unhealthy woman with psychological issues or you yourself have yet to be resolved issues. And it will work until it doesn’t and one day your partner will leave tired of the constant games. If your are both healthy and mature you won’t need to play games, life is hard enough without them. Ask yourself this: do you want to make love to the love of your life or to a potential cheater?

Well said. Others call them 'dread games' and it sadly makes sense - safety and security bore them.

Marriage creates security and stability. Security and stability creates boredom and complacency. Boredom and complacency creates divorce. Marriage causes divorce. Do not get married, people. Your spouse will not be grateful and will take your money, house and kids in divorce. The juice isn't worth the squeeze. Not your spouse, just your turn.

As a traditional man I would prefer a good loyal wife and great mother for my children than progressive minded sex addict. Character and virtues are more valuable over physical intimacy.

I think this mostly work on women. You should have named the title "women get bored easily" some of the best advice I've ever gotten from a guy was when I was 20 years old and he was 22 I also. He told me "You got to make her miss you if you want a happy girl". He said even if it means lying to her faking like you at work more, fake like you fell asleep instead of going to see her, or you do go to see her, don't stay long. Just act like you busy and got stuff to do. And still to this day 15 years later, he does the same stuff he got a roster full of beautiful women and he always tell me "they love me so much because they miss me. And whenever I do decide to come around them, we have a good time. Not always about sex, it could just be good conversations and then I disappear pretending to be busy for a while. They can go on with their life and get a boyfriend but they always come back. He also said by them knowing or thinking you busy, it makes them appreciate whenever you do make time for them and your busy schedule

This is brilliant. If I ever have a wonderful man in my life again, I'm taking this advice.

These are uncomfortable but brilliant truths. Wish I had found you sooner.

I disagree that a stable relationship eliminates the need for sex. To *maintain* an intimate relationship, sex is *essential* . The drive doesn't come from uncertainty, but from affection and appreciation and, you know, the desire for pleasure and fun.

Solution: never get married, and simply tell her if she doesn’t please you then you will just end the relationship. Don’t let her move in and live with you.

Brilliant commentary! Never thought of the “play affair” angle but I can see it. I can say that moderating the togetherness works. I’ve always called it “having some air in the marriage”. Always recognized in my 30+ year marriage that it’s critical for me to keep up separate activities with “the boys” (outdoor sports for me), and I encourage her to have girls nights etc. I never track her cell phone and don’t allow her tracking of mine, and we don’t do this thing of “checking in” to know what each other up to every moment. It’s even far more critical in retirement. We have kept the spark alive pretty well. I know that Men are often guilty of relying on work for ersatz friendship and the isolating badly outside of that.

Thank you! (Waiting for ship to come in in order to renumerate.) This is priceless material.

Not a great plan. Once you scramble an egg, you can’t unscramble it. Once a man fully buys into a woman, generally through marriage, the hook is set and the fish is caught. No need to dangle more bait in front of the fish. And making your spouse suspect infidelity is going to bring more stress and conflict to a marriage than sex.

It's not that humans are weird, women are weird. You can't ever be direct or honest with them (if you know what's good for you), or they think that THAT'S "weird". They REQUIRE us to pretend and play games in order to gain their interest, then they get mad THAT we pretended and played games with them. There's a never-ending dissatisfaction and a need to complain about SOMETHING "not being good enough" innately within them. You do nothing, "you're boring/not interesting enough" and they lose interest. You do something, and they get mad at what you did OR that you did it wrong OR that you didn't do "enough". It's exhausting.

Well when you get into something that gives all the leverage to one party in a partnership, it makes sense said party no longer needs to provide value to nearly the same degree.

You're a very sharp guy, Dr. Taraban. Ty

The best explanation ever. I love your videos

Another brilliantly explained video from the doc. The red pill crowd will know what he is referring to as “dread”. It’s essential to not be perceived as complacent by your partner but as desired by others of the opposite sex. It is competition anxiety basically. There’s no denying it’s unfortunate that these games need to be played, but accepting that life and relationships are a game will force you to not be passive.

This is pure gold! So very true

Thank you for giving advice for longterm relationships.

My last marriage - the sex never slowed down. It was a constant - but my ex was always suspicious and sadly, insecure. Despite how attractive she was.

Going on 10 years together and the flame still burns just as bright for my wife and I. My recommendation: if you want something peculiar in the bedroom (within reason), don't repress it. Communicate it, and be open to exchanging your wants with theirs. Things will not get old if you can both find the fun in eachother's sexual quirks, so long as you can be creative and provide variations on the theme. You may even hit the jackpot and find someone who's into the same thing.

Brillaint advice. Exactly what you said has worked for me.

If I thought my partner was cheating that would kill my trust and nice trust is gone, it is very hard to get it back. Trust is EVERYTHING. I don’t know why uncertainty is supposed t be good for relationships.

The fact that humans have to play these silly games in order to stay faithful and have stability shows how NON monogamous humans truly are.

This was perhaps the most thorough and clearly articulated relationship advice I've ever come across. Your explanation was neither boring or pretentious. I will listen to this repeatedly at each given opportunity because it's so simplistic that it gets looked right over by most of us during our search for a solution. Thank you for this . If the internet had tenure , you would be reviewed and classified as Professor and skip Associate Professor altogether. Thank you for this video and all the great work that you do . I'm not a man of worldly means so all I offer as support for your work are words of appreciation and sharing these videos via social media. All of us thank you for what you do.

The knowledge u give is invaluable

In relationships it seems like psychology is a necessary tool to have. Thanks for the tips

Thanks! This is gold content

"Women submit only when they fear of death."( Sun Tzu)

That's why I always say...have separate bedrooms. Sleep separately. Give each other space. Create sexual tension by maintaining individuality.

Another great video Sir. I truly find it inspiration. Thank you for sharing.

Solid advice, but it's definitely risky and wouldn't work for everyone. I honestly think that deep down, most people prefer "certain misery over the misery of uncertainty". (Forgot who said that but yeah)

Takeaway: Natural human tendencies such as never being satisfied, playing games/manipulation, and taking others for granted are problematic.

great issue, thanks for spending the wisdom ❤

@StrongSuccessfulMale has been mentioning for years now that uncertainty is the key to keeping the spark in a relationship and the capacity of a man to walk away whenever his need aren't met or his boundaries are crossed is what keeps uncertainty in the relationship. This is only one of the key notions mentioned in this talk. I do hope you guys have a chat or a podcast sometimes where you bounce ideas and opinions between yourselves! Keep up the good work Dr Orion! I deeply appreciate and respect your content!

This video should scare both men and women shitless. That men’s testosterone levels have reached an all time low. In my marriage, my husband maintains his testosterone at an optimal level and nothing, NOTHING, could turn him off, especially FEELING SAFE with me. We have sex 6 plus times a week a decade strong. Dudes, get it checked.

Dude, creating space is one thing but pretending that you are having an affair is simply not a healthy thing to do to your partner.

What women don't understand is that relationships are about feelings. And sex is very much an amazing theater to create feelings that the two of you will value for a lifetime. The fact that this is neglected and ignored baffles me.

Thanks for the advice Dr Taraban. I'm sure people don't like to hear that. But if they were naive enough to get married in the first place, a quick reality check seems like the least of their problems.