Why People with Narcissistic Abuse Have Hoarding Behavior 

Thank you for this video!!! Thank you for sharing the truth. As a hoarder myself, personally your information is 100% true🙏💜🙏💜🙏

Living with a narcissist you are not allowed to own and enjoy yourself, your own home, your own money and your own belongings.

This is my problem with the whole "decluttering" pop culture. If you push a hoarder to part with the objects of their hoarding without addressing the underlying causes of their hoard, you are just choosing to revictimize a victim by taking away their comfort and by blaming them for their comfort response.

This applies to VICTIMS of abuse, not abusers. My ex mother in law was big hoarder. We had to make a path to get into her house. She didn't like visitors. When she was a young mother, she was abandoned by her alcoholic husband with 4 small children and countless overdue debts. The youngest child was one year old. She had to go to work and leave her children to care for one another. I never understood before why she lived like that, surrounded by piles of stuff she didn't need, and buying more stuff she never would use. But now I understand. She was a really nice lady, with a very kind heart.

And I’m going to add # 11: If you never felt truly seen and treasured by the narcissist(s), you hold onto things that are important clues to the real inner you that you’re dying to share with someone, someday. In my case, I saved my childhood art and poetry in the hopes that someday I’d have someone who’d care enough to want to know who I used to be and what my inner life was like. I’m not an off the scales hoarder but I do keep accumulating clutter. If a tree falls in the forest with no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? If a child turns a part of themselves into a beautiful painting or poem but there’s no one there to really experience the art and savor it and reflect their appreciation and love and deepened connection back to the child, does the art even exist? Does the child even exist? For me, the clutter relates in part to imagined future “me’s” and imagined future connections that I don’t want to give up on. So yes, I will hold on to my darkroom equipment I haven’t used in decades and my journals full of angsty teen poetry and my “special occasion” hair clips and my board games collection and my 80s album collection, thank you very much! Anyone else feel like an unmet need to be truly seen and truly valued is part of hoarding?

I think for me the clutter is a result of my inability to make decisions when my mind is in prison with the chaos and abuse. So I hold on to the things that represent a link to a past I had, and also a future I hope for. It’s a survival instinct. It’s fear, it’s frozen mode.

He briefly mentioned difficulty making decisions, for fear of making the wrong choice. This is a conversation that I had countless times with my ex-husband: Him-hey, let’s go get dinner. Me-ok. Him-where do you want to go? Me-Fridays. Him- (scowls at me for not guessing what he wants) No, I’m not in the mood for Fridays. Where else do you want to go? Me-how about Gators? Him-(scowls again) we just had that. (Just had that could have been a year ago.) Me- I’m not that picky. Where do you want to go? Him-(scowls) I asked you. Me-You’re pickier than I am. I’m good with whatever you decide. Him-why can’t you just answer a simple question? Pick something! Me-how about Joe T Garcias? Him-I don’t want to drive that far. Me-Lees Grilled Cheese is right around the corner. Him- I want real food. Me-did you have something in mind? Really, I’d be happy with whatever you decide. Him-why do we have to go through this, if you not answering a simple F-ing question?! I hate it when you do this. Me-I’m sorry. You didn’t like my ideas, so why don’t you pick? Him-I try to do something nice to you, and now you’re trying to start a fight. I’m hungry and you’ve been wasting time, so now it’s too close to bedtime. You know I hate eating this late. Now I won’t eat and it’s YOUR fault! -------------- He would constantly undermine my decisions. And choices. If we did get to a restaurant, he would be tense angry, and hostile the whole way, and a terror behind the wheel. His driving was scary. If I drove, he was constantly critical, and would often shout, startling me. Of course, as soon as we got to the restaurant and we’re in front of other people, he was Mr Nice Guy.

not just that, its also a 'shielding' tactic to deflect the narcisist from going through their belongings, room, car, storage

Trauma is caused by emotional and psychological abuse.

I don’t hoard, but I have clutter. This video helps me understand better the things I do. It’s spot on for many of my feelings. It all makes sense to me now.

Beginning to believe this is why I have major panic attacks when I even think about clearing out my mess.

Objects are my memories. Married twice, both husbands either made me throw away my property or felt entitled to throw my things away themselves. However, DON'T touch their things. That's not allowed. Deep scars about this.

I am hoarding lots of semiprecious stones, boxes and boxes of them as a way of emotional comfort and hoping that their intense energy would somehow ward of the demonic narcissist. Interestingly, since I have erected these 'stone walls' around me, the narc no longer barges into my bedroom, breaking the lock open, showering me with abuse and name calling. I don't know exactly what is happening but there is something going on with these sweet little gems. It is like even these stones have a soft heart and are trying their best to protect me from the abuser! 😅 You are right about them giving us companionship too. When I feel dejected and lonely with my narc husband going into silent treatment lasting for weeks or months, I take them out and play with them and kiss them like a little child.

My abusive mother once gave me an old baking tray of hers. I kept it and treasured it for years imagining it was a real sign of her caring about me. Then eventually I woke up and smelt the coffee, and realised she was just offloading it because she didn't need it anymore. This went a long way to helping me cure hoarding.

Also, not having the right to own anything. At any moment, your things can be taken to sell or whatever the narcissist wants to do with it.

Wow! I’ve been living this for decades. My miserable mother was constantly threatening to get rid of my pets (which she didn’t care for), my favorite clothes, toys. She died last year and left me (oldest daughter) out of her obituary and will. I left home at 17 and never asked for anything. Never got in trouble. Two great careers. I retired 2 weeks ago and am going through my stuff and taking boxes to Goodwill. I get it now. Thanks to these sorts of videos and YHWH. 🙏🏼

Narcissist always say their victims are hoarders because they are jealous that you like things more than them.

This video hit me today.😢 I think they missed a small piece here, though. Sometimes, what is perceived as hoarding isn't hoarding. it is just clutter that gets out of control. The items around them collected through just raising kids, having multiple jobs, etc. They get overwhelmed and can't get themselves to move on the matter for a lot of the reasons mentioned here in this video. It was certainly a representation of the turmoil I was going through and a secret state of mind. I know because I've been trapped there previously... not knowing why. I was incredibly embarrassed by the mess and felt powerless to do anything about it. I probably would have refused outside help because 1) how embarrassing is that, and 2) I'd be admitting that I failed and that I lost control. I already couldn't control the abuse... which I didn't know was "abuse"at the time. I was often being told I was a failure. I didn't need one more thing to say that I was. It would just prove the narcissist right. And I was working so hard to hide the abuse and shelter my family. When we moved, I vowed never to return to that state. I still have a little problem with clutter, but the abuse has subsided. My house is so much better than it was. 😌 I think it's because I've been able to heal some, and I continue to do just that.

My messy mounds of clutter seemed like a layer of protection against the narc’s unwanted random visits into my personal living space. Only it didn’t actually work! Still, I think the imagined powers of my clutter provided comfort to me that I desperately needed at the time.

I remember not being allowed to have certain items, like books. When I was with a narcissistic abuser for 3 years, he hated the fact that I loved to read whether they were novels (because he found them to be stupid) or current event things. I started hoarding books because it was like a 🖕 to him and it reminded me of something I enjoyed.

This is my mom. I always knew how toxic both her and my dad was but my dad was downright mean to her, call her fat like a pig and look at her disgustingly. During that time she hoarded a ton of stuff.

I have a lot of clutter and have been getting therapy to not become a hoarder. I did this as a child too by cluttering my room with objects. My parents would come in and throw my things out and only leaving what they thought I needed.

If someone uses items that are neccesary for basic existence .. as a bargeing chip and you exist in a world where you havent had the thing you needed while your abuser had all you needed.. you may decide unconsciously to never leave items that you might need.. so you never have to worry about having to borrow from someone else.. because you figure out there is ALWAYS a price for asking for help… and that price is sometimes your body, mind or control over your own mind and body… Soooo the stuff represents a feeling of never ever having to rely on anyone cuz somewhere. You have one ..

I’m a victim of narcissistic abuse and clutter as a form of trauma and childhood trauma

This seems to be a first. Most videos, pages, discussions, center around hoarding being only done by narcissists. And the comments section gets really viscous towards people who can’t let things go. My narcissistic sociopathic mother threw all of my belongings away twice as a child, and twice when I was an adult and I was at work in factories 12 hours a day. Not only did I work that schedule 6 days a week, I was expected to give her most of my money too. Yes, I clung to things because that’s where I kept my good memories. And she threw everything away. Or took it for herself. Or sold it for more money.

I’ve hoarded before and may still be considered a hoarder, because I still have as much, with the excess being moved to storage. My hoarding started, because my mother and I used to shop for beautiful things. The thought, I believe for both of us, was “We should dress nice, for the nice places we’ll go and have a beautiful home, for the nice dinners and other celebrations we’ll give. The problem with this has been that, we never went to these nice places and we never even met enough people who might appreciate any of it, that would even fill a 6 place setting. Part of it is due to societal changes. People dressing down, for almost all occasions and you may find you know fewer people, as you age. You may also find that life is not as exciting, as you pictured it. My mother ended up being a caregiver to her husband and pursuing a big legal case and I just ended up going to work everyday, aside from the destruction the recession did to my life. The fine suits, dresses, and dishes? All collect dust. My mother’s items? I’m going through over 120 garbage bags, of what are now mostly destroyed items, in part, because she became so enraged about life and has now passed. What I have hoarded, as per the newer, lower life standards, are preps. I’m a bit of a prepper now. A far more binary and spartan life. But, as a hoarder, what you’ll find, 10-20 years down the road, is that you will be living in a museum, that is a result of a figment of your imagination and also what is spoken of in Requiem for the American Dream. I’ll say I think there’s a difference between enjoying beautiful things and trying to impress others though. I’ve just enjoyed beautiful things, with or without other people. Like, I’ve not cared what car I drive to work, as long as I get to go home and enjoy things. I know it’s materialistic. But, I’ve come to learn that many people and time spent with people, is often not that enjoyable.

Clutter also has something to do with "touch deprivation": When I have been isolated for long periods of time, towers of clutter appear on my way throughout my home, I find myself walking like an Egyptian hyerogliph, not really being able to avoid touching or hitting stuff.

I couldn’t have anything or he would break it. I had one item I loved, I hid it and brought it out to hold when he would leave. 8 years of physical and emotional abuse. A continuation of my younger years unfortunately. Now I have a lot of things. Neat but a lot. I feel this video.

Growing up in a toxic narcissistic family, I now buy things for myself I was not given as a child out of their spite and selfishness. After being told I wasn't worth it, I now tell myself, yeah, you're totally worth it. I also like to leave things around, like my presence matters because I was terrorized to not have any spec of anything of mine outside of my room. Clean rooms stress me out now, much to my husband's dismay, but I'm working on it. He's very understanding - bad childhood too.

Wow. My husband (who is a narcissist) watches those hoarding shows. He loves them. But he sits there watching the hoarders with disgust.

I understand more now that I did before and I’m more compassionate towards the people that have this issue. I have my own issues that I’m working through and ever since I lost my home I’ve been undergoing letting go of my overhead. I’m in my late 60’s and have no children so there’s no need for me to have anymore than necessary. Instead of shopping at thrift stores and yard sales I’m donating to organizations to help people who have nothing and need everyday items. A friend and I donated several items to help wild fire victims and I felt a great sense of relief to give back to our own people and communities who needed us to help them. Our country needs to help our own people when we can and it’s well deserved. 🤗🥰

It also is connected to the amygdala being hyperactive and prefrontal cortex which is in charge of executive function (initiation, organization, decision making, etc).

I don't hoard, but my house is incredibly cluttered. Growing up my life was chaotic and I had no control over anything. This video was incredibly useful, and heaetbreaking at the same time. So, now what do I do?

What I should add is more than just what you're describing Sometimes, when someone has survived YEARS severe abuse, they've also most likely 5 years of LACK and DEPRIVATION Sometimes, when you're finally free, you make up for what you missed when you should have had provisions So yes, it goes beyond just having a lot of stuff, there's ALSO making up for YEARS of LACK and DEPRIVATION Sometimes taking the right road means making sure you have PLENTY to take care of YOURSELF You can also help others, just by having a little extra set aside Then if anyone ever needs help then you have a little extra set aside that you can help them with Another thing people don't want to see happen is good stuff being destroyed in the landfill or incinerator Sometimes, people tend to save stuff that can be used later So what year describing About Attachment to things isn't just that, but it's trying to save the good things from among the trash Remember, if there was ever an emergency, having enough supplies to take care of yourself is key I'm not talking about just having material stuff, I'm also talking about having a little extra food and hygienic supplies set aside Those who have a lot of stuff should do periodic cleaning If you wake up realizing you're starting to get a bit too much, then you have to start going through one small area at a time The reason why people are overwhelmed is because they think they have to do it all at once in one day, but that's not true All you have to do is get a comfortable portable seat and take it to one spot, and sit down and look over your room and make a plan to do ONE section at a time The easiest thing to do is to start right where you're sitting or standing Let's say all you have is just a footpath START RIGHT THERE and start WIDENING that path Let's say you just have a lot of stuff in different rooms, and you have plenty of room to get around Take your portable seat and sit down in any room and just look around, START THERE Start at your feet Right where you're sitting Have some extra bins or boxes, even bags will do.... I HIGHLY RECOMMEND BIG bins or boxes I highly recommend having 3 One box for keeping What you know you want to keep Another box for stuff you want to get rid of, like say donation Then, the THIRD box would be for stuff you're NOT SURE OF right now that maybe you should hang on to a bit longer As you start clearing the floor and any surrounding area, you can start moving your portable seat closer and closer toward the smaller and smaller piles as you progress Only start with one room at a time and start By putting your seat right by Where are you plan to start, and then work your way closer toward the wall or piece of furniture You'll notice as you look back on the room that you're actually working your way around the room until that particular room is done Repeat the process with EVERY SINGLE ROOM needing cleaned

I know a narc that is a hoarder, organized but thousands of collectable items that pack the house, but this person is most certainly a narcissist.

I can't believe how much I have related to this vid. My house is half hoarder. Downstairs I try to keep minimalistish😅. Just don't open the bedroom doorll 🚪😱

I struggle with hoarding 3 times more than the insidious nature of being a victim of FAMILY SCAPEGOAT ABUSE. THANKS TO FAMDAMNLY & ESPECIALLY YOU "MOMSTER"!

Around 2014, I had a major awakening. I begin no longer feeling a need for material things. I also learned what a narcissist was. The narc has a major hoarding problem. Mainly clothing, shoes, hats etc. Even if it was shoes from 20 years ago, he would not let go of anything. My Mom is a narcissist as well, she hoards the same items. Clothing, shoes etc 🧐

I used to stick with items when i was younger because my basic needs where never met and was scared from changes in general

Decision fatigue majors also.

20 years ago we had a cleaning service that kept our house SPOTLESS and in PERFECT order. When I retired there was no money for the cleaners. My wife simply refuses to help clean and I've been doing the best I can keeping the house clean (dishes, vacuuming, washing etc.) for the last 15 years (I'm in my 80s now). In addition, my wife keeps buying things we don't need from catalogues. 4 rooms of our house are full of boxes that are full of an assortment of all kinds of new things; clothes, shoes, gadgets, etc.). To get from room to room in the rest of the house is to follow a path between furniture, boxes (etc.) Our house is a warehouse. My wife's narcissism is related to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I believe. She no longer can compensate for her declining mental health.

My boyfriend is a compulsive hoarder. I am a clean person, but he holds onto every tiny piece of anything and he piles things on top of more things. Our 2nd bedroom is horrible looking because of his hoarding. I can't stand living like this and he won't clean it up. So I'm leaving to save my sanity. He is also a Narcissist and I've endured abuse from him, another reason why I'm leaving.

Through the decline of my relationship with a fragile narcassist I became obsessively acquiring almost anything that caught and held my fancy for very long. After no contact it shifted into overdrive. It continues 7 months after that only halted by lack of money. It doesn't end there. It's impossible to walk around what used to be my home of which every inch is covered layer upon layer upon layer of things I've dumpstered for projects which I've spent months obsessively working on. I misspoke. This was once my home. No longer.

This is the best and most relatable explanation of clutter. For me.

My mother would remove anything and everything from my bedroom when l was in primary school, so l would come home to find clothes and toys and books had disappeared. I was called untidy and careless for ' losing' my things. When visitors came with their children she would give dolls and toys and even my bike to them, saying l didnt want them or use them, in front of me. I couldnt make a fuss or else there were further repercussions. I would be forced to donate presents l'd been given for Christmas and birthdays to charities within a few weeks of been given them. Both my exs made a point of throwing my things away before l could rescue them. Sent to landfill in skips to make sure l couldn't get anything back if they sent my stuff to charity shops. My brother wouldn't let me enterthee family home to remove the few things l still had there after our parents died. Told me he wished l hadnt been born. I have no photos, clothes, jewellery, books, ornaments, toys or any real record of my life. My children admired my mother, their grandmother, and their father and their uncle, my brother, for treating me like this. Said l was worth nothing.

Thank you for explaining everything now I understand what happened to me. It’s very true I have been abused for my whole life from my father, mother and my husband. 😢 including people who don’t understand about this. The world should know about this truth!

I am moved by the compassionate narration here. This is a spot on video.

My daughter and I are both hoarders, I am working on that. We both suffered from narcissistic abuse from her father, my ex husband. The only thing is, she worships him and is narcissistic herself. I am so sad that she is like this but she will never see how mean he was to her.

Facts 💯 so many clothes and shoes that are never worn or given out and utensils 😢

I when I lived with my abuser, they have a hoarding problem. I had to keep my clothes in a box for 3 years because they refused to make space for me. I had no space for any art on the walls or family pictures. They constantly told me it was their home not mine. I wasn't allowed to use my own things in the kitchen. I wasn't allowed to use my own blanket. They are a narcissist and the abuse was next level, finanical, physical, S.A. and R.

I think people are getting confused between the narcs and their victims doing this. It is the victims who hoard objects as a response to deep emotional trauma. He is not talking about narcissistic people hoarding.

That’s why on shows like Hoarders the people put up such a resistance because people are trying to treat the symptom instead of cure the disease. The people on them need therapy first, and then start clearing it out…..or both at once. Once you can get them feeling like they’re worth something, then they can feel more comfortable letting go of clutter.

I love my stuff because its the only things i have that are just mine. When he takes it from me, it hurts badly. So I hold on tight to what i do have because ive already lost so much.

The narc I was married to destroyed my things. I once found a favourite bowl buried intact in the garden. Before my marriage I was extremely tidy and organised. Now I’m a hoarder. I can’t stop buying things I might need/use one day. I don’t like living like this.

Why People with Narcissistic Abuse Have Hoarding Behavior. In this video, we explore why people who have experienced narcissistic abuse often develop hoarding behavior. Narcissistic abuse can cause deep emotional wounds, leading individuals to hold onto items as a way to feel safe and secure. We will break down the psychological reasons behind this behavior in simple and easy-to-understand terms. Narcissistic abuse can leave victims feeling powerless and lacking control over their lives. Hoarding becomes a coping mechanism, a way to reclaim a sense of control and stability. By understanding this connection, we can begin to see why people hold onto things and how this behavior helps them cope with their past trauma. If you or someone you know is dealing with hoarding due to narcissistic abuse, this video will offer valuable insights and practical advice. Learn more about the emotional roots of hoarding and discover ways to support healing and recovery. Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe for more content on mental health and personal growth. We encourage you to comment down what you think below. ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ 🙏🙏🙏Please support my work and buy me a coffee through this link: bit.ly/3aRsYjI Like this video and subscribe to this channel. It helps us a lot. ►►Click Here to Subscribe: bit.ly/3tqtJGv ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ Video Time Line 10 REASONS WHY PEOPLE WITH NARCISSISTIC ABUSE HAVE HOARDING BEHAVIOUR 00:01 NUMBER 1 EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT TO OBJECTS 00:46 NUMBER 2 SENSE OF CONTROL 02:08 NUMBER 3 FEAR OF LOSS 03:18 NUMBER 4 IDENTITY PRESERVATION 04:23 NUMBER 5 AVOIDANCE OF GRIEF AND LOSS 05:22 NUMBER 6 PERCEIVED VALUE IN OBJECTS 06:25 NUMBER 7 DIFFICULTY MAKING DECISIONS 07:53 NUMBER 8 ATTACHMENT TO MEMORIES 08:08 NUMBER 9 COMPENSATION FOR LACK OF EMOTIONAL SUPPORT 08:27 NUMBER 10 EXTERNALIZATION OF INTERNAL TURMOIL 08:43 ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ #spotthenarcissist #narcissism #narcissist

There’s items used as an examples in this video that are also wonderful collections like the teacup & pots- and it’s easy to go from collector to hoarder, when we forget to include the step of routinely managing our beloved hobbies to an organized and sizable level. A lot of things people can hold onto & becomes paralyzingly painful to let go of are tied to unfinished projects, plans, goals & dreams that were incredibly important to us, and common to have life get in the way. Get a journal and write your heart out EVERYTHING each item represented & still represent to you when you face it to discard. Get your backstory on them. Usually all you needed was to free your data from them to use for updating and rebooting your personal goals, or determining those goals no longer fit your interests today, and they usually become something easier to part with after you have your data on it. Sometimes we need to get reconnected to following through on a personal promise the object represents, and can get rid of the tons of X thing you were collecting to keep the dream alive, when life got in the way…. whether it’s just general life stuff or from an asshole in your life who took you off course & stole your dreams from you.

Been abused for years by my mom and 4 narc relationships. Untill i woke up at 27 almost 28. My house is getting more empty i feel i broke the spell.

Wow! I learned so much about myself. Hoarding is also a source of pain and anxiety.

Sounds similar to the Monarch programming where people ar traumatised enough to compartmentalise their minds

you can buy things again, when someone throws them out... when the pets are gone with no explanation, then attaching to thing is "safer" for the heart

Thank you for sharing this and bringing it to my awareness. This video helped me to understand my behaviors more so that I can attempt to change them and heal further. I never realized before that this behavior was based from narcissistic abuse, but it clearly connects the dots from my past to my present. -- Hope that you do a video and address "shopping addiction" that seems to also go with hoarding in some people.

Thank you for this...I am a hoarder. I have suffered from nacisst abuse as a child ,which continued on into adulthood. No one has ever told me this before,I'm just learning things in my 60s. I'm embrassed and don't let people into my life

I've become a hoarder but I work very hard to keep a TIDY and CLEAN home. .....I'm currently battling suicidal waves, and hoping to get through it.x

I was in a narcissistic relationship for 20 years. When I left, I got rid of or destroyed 90% of what was in the house. Now I've accumulated a lot of stuff and when I start feeling overwhelmed by any clutter, I start chucking stuff out the door. I've always hated clutter and still don't like it.

MY MOM…!!!…. I just got divorced, & am grateful for a place to move to, BUT OH MY GOD does she have EVERYTHING she has ever owned, my dad has owned, my grandma has owned, & their family business has owned ALL in her house. 😬😬. Yet, my kids & I live out of tiny moving boxes since there is literally not an ounce of space & she is SO POSSESSIVE of everything if we even touch it!!!!😮. I am very scared.

Yes, I need control! My place isn't like what you see on Hoarders but it's still junky. I even avoid stupidly addictive substances like tabacco since it would take away control I so crave!

I think the insulation and it all providing a great excuse for me not allowing anyone into my safe space is a big part too. I’m slowly getting better and am grateful.

I knew a hoarder. She could not give up the stuff but she told me she had nightmares about the stuff too. She had dreamed that the piles of stuff had fallen onto her so she was trapped... So for at least one hoarder it was a double edged sword. Couldnt live with it peacefully but couldnt give it up either...

This is really informative. I think of overeating as a kind of hoarding. This would certainly explain the over sensitivity some of us have about weight when other people try to address the issue.

Phew, this does hit home for me... Not a serious hoarder, more a controlled collector of sorts but can relate with so much mentioned here. Thank you.

People need some way to cope after others have tried to demolish them.

I’m not sure if I fall under the category of hoarder, but my childhood trauma symptoms can be comparable to the symptoms of someone who has experienced narcissistic abuse. I also have ADHD and have finally (at 45) progressed enough in my goal to be in charge of my own life to where I can start to clean up all my messes and develop better routines. A lot of my hoarder like issues derive from trying to figure out how to make extra money. I’m very creative, so I’m always trying to make things and learn new skills. I hesitate to throw things away because…I might be able to do something with these materials if I just had table space. This thing is fixable if I just had some room to lay it out flat. Why spend money on a new thing when I can fix the old thing. The other problem is only having so much room in the trash bin. I don’t clean fast enough to warrant spending the money to rent a dumpster. That dumpster will end up taking up space and being a neighborhood eyesore for years in all honesty. Once a month our trash pickup will do a free bulk trash pickup, but the parameters are very confusing. No one seems to be able to answer my questions. The office hours are weird and the person who keeps answering isn’t knowledgeable. The bulk pickup only seems to refer to oversized or awkwardly shaped items that don’t fit in the bin. The desk girl has no idea if I can include bags of trash in the “bulk pickup”. Apparently I need to call ahead to tell them I need a bulk pickup, but the workers are always out in the trucks and/or the office closes at noon on a weekday. So we’re just stuck with bags of trash in the house till we can get some definitive information. Asking other people for help doesn’t help because they just say no to everything. My dad has an office with a commercial dumpster right down the street. No. Don’t burden him with the money it costs to empty the dumpster. Well do you (family member) know a place to take it and do you have time to let me use your truck? Sure! But only if I get to inspect your house like you’re a kid and I get to dictate what stays and what goes because if I’m helping that means it’s not your house anymore. It’s my house now and it’s my rules. “Never mind. I’ll figure it out myself then. That’s not help; that’s a hostile takeover.” Then I have to deal with them crying to our 80 year old parents because they just wanted to help and I’m being mean.

Yeah!!! My own counselor called me petty for hoarding and being angry my brother liked to steal my stuff. Yea, yea, he's right. 💯

Thank you very much for this and well done, as someone with cptsd and hoarding disorder to name a few life difficulties . This was informative, understandable and very helpful for everyone ❤️⭐️❤️⭐️

I am the exactly opposite of this and rarely gives things an emotional value. My wife are collecting a lot of trash such as bags, jars and bottles which gives me panic so i throw it all away. Then she doesnt talk with me for a few days.

Avoidance of grief & loss... going through things triggers memories and conjures the grief

This is helpful when I have been trying to figure out why it was difficult to get rid of so much. Until I got rid of all of it. 🙏🏽❤️

My first husband talked me through letting go of so much. My 2nd marriage I gained 10x back.

If true, then it is another form of self soothing, and stimming!!

I can see I have a touch of this...Stuffed animals, art and clothes are the most arenas I can have too much. I need the beauty of Art at a soul level it feels. The animals were definitely a self soothing and loving relationships as a child. My inner child wants them for sure. Clothes is a fun arena to play in, and I also have different needs with work, and play, but there is too much. I love throwing things away, giving things away too, lightening the loads are so satisfying. I see myself in some of this, grateful it isn't the prison tight spaces with all spaces filled but I learned things here.

Thank you for this helpful insight. I understand myself better now. I will use this to overcome the abuse I suffered in the past.

You are so right with your observatios.

After i broke up with an ex, his tshirt ended up buried on an armchair. Sometimes the things have memories attached and we're burying memories as well as things. I remember trying to sort through a bag of things that had accumulated over years that I'd brought back from my old house. There were cards and notes. Some notes and messages were from good times. Some were from bad times and were unpleasant and re-traumatising to revisit. I tried sorting those into a 'toxic' bag to be dealt with later. It can be complicated and there's a few reasons for me. I don't hold onto all things because of sentimentality. Some are just from really dark times. The messed up nightmares I used to have back then..... Omg. And more bad effects. I should watch the whole video. But there was also the criticism and particularness. After trying to jump through all the hoops I burned out and now there's an extent to which I have a mini ex in my head criticising everything and it's hard to stay positive and focused when you've got that going on. I did mange to throw a bunch of stuff away with support. Then i stashed a load of it in the basement. I've bought a mini incinerator to have a bit of a burning ceremony with some old paperwork too. It should be cathartic. I've had more stuff accumulate since. Clearing out the place is taking a while. But I need a decent living space. I'm glad I discovered it helps listening to certain RU-vid content actually! I used to find certain housework and tidying actually triggered me.

Omg this happened to me I never understood it... still there 😢 but healing ❤

Ya, my narcissistic mother never liked me having my own stuff, she called it all clutter even when I hardly had any, didn’t like my self expression with the way I dressed. My narcissistic family system would use my possessions as a weapon against me by bullying me over my interests and my fashion preferences. I actually have an issue with clothes, where when I buy something new I want to soon get rid of it because of the inner critic in my mind that my narc family system instilled in me, I can hear their criticism in my mind ☹️ I feel like when someone criticizes something I like they are using it to actually criticize me to hurt and belittle me

Facts! Idiots made fun of me, but I can now tell my whole story - what I've been through in my life, and no hacker or copycat will be able to steal and plagiarize my story, especially as I will be 50 soon. So my life experience is incomparable to my last abusers. But more importantly, I am now able to help others deal with it, and that's the most important. It can never be faked.

I can see a big fat problem with this. It is: they want to save + protect all their clutter BUT the clutter could be seen as a fire hazard / danger and then they will get evicted. And then they could lose ALL of their things! I suppose they could get away with it if they own their own home but even then sooner or later someone will need to come in, repairman, gas company, etc...

He took everything and burned it in a fire of hate...and I mean everything.

People try to keep the deplorable away

Ooh! 😢 my mom! I wish I knew this way sooner.. We went through pure Hell with my dad.. Wish her and I could have been able to talk about everything 😢

This explains so much

That "frozen on a ladder" feeling.

My mom was a very abusive, narcissistic sociopath who killed any dog or puppy pf hers who was 'too aggressive' or 'too timid' according to her own twisted standards. Most of these poor puppies and dogs were my favorites. Each time she killed one, I felt less and less, then totally forgot about them to kill the pain of losing them. Later I reacted by not forming attachments to anything cuz I never knew when it would be taken away. This was cemented into place after a fire destroyed everything I owned except my car and the clothes on my back. If anything, I have the opposite reaction; Spartan Complex.

Thank you for these insights which is very helpful and validating

My Narcfather loved to try to make me throw my stuff away and was always eager to pressure me into getting rid of my stuff. He never did that with my younger sister.

Yes, would have helped if this presentation could have made distinctions between collectables and when it became problematic. Showing pics of people’s hoarding behavior didn’t really define it. IMO.

4:50 ❤ Identity... so true TY from the bottom of my heart

What exactly is the definition of hording behaviors? Is a collection of collectables, sentimental items and tools for your trade, craft or hobby qualify as hoarding?! If so then practically everyone is a hoarder.

I hoarded money that i squirreled away and then my home was broken into and everything was stolen even my most sentimental jewelry was stolen

In my situation, it was the narcissist who was the hoarder. He purposely kept every available corner of my home occupied with his bullshit. I’ve NEVER had an issue with hoarding. I like my home clean and orderly.