THE problem of self help industry is that it creates Unrealistic standards of how great life should be and unrealistic pressures that you put on yourself to be perfect.! She said it all
I disagree :) it works for some, doesn’t work for others. A lot of times it can depend on what or who you are listening to, and how honest you are with yourself. It’s not supposed to be taken so literally like following instructions, it implants a perspective or attitude that will compound. It’s what you get out of it. I have noticed if you do not check in with yourself spiritually, it can be a huge waste of time doing ANY self help things. It doesn’t give you solutions and answers, it presents an energy or “vibe” so to say. For myself personally, it reminds me of the beauty in a “miserable” life. I feel sorry for people like this woman, because it’s not BS. I just sense an energy of nihilism and acute narcissism, but I hope I’m wrong.
This is correct from a feminine perspective. Feminine energy is about the present moment and the flow of love. The masculine energy is about progression and providing.
3 necessary skills for personal development: 1. GROWTH mindset - get away from the "fixed mindset" where you are afraid of getting out of your comfort zone. 2. STAY CALM - learn how to de-stress yourself and de-escalate a tense situation 3. RESILIENCE - learn to bounce right back: learn from your mistake and try again.
These are really the things that matter. I really don’t like the big self help industry MONETIZING. But I really really believe in all the wisdom and there are helpful parts
I'm thinking that having a sense of humor is of utmost importance. Humor in discussing something scary can pull away a curtain and reveal what is actually behind it. And in doing so may put things in a clearer, more truer light wherein we then see that it's not as bad as all that and we just may be able to handle whatever is thrown at us.
This talk is so underrated! Thank you for being genuine, Marianne! I would say we're all broken AND we don't need to be fixed. Acceptance IS the answer. But yeah, we are all less "broken" or flawed then we think we are. For 99.99% of us, we are our own worst critics.
The problem is, there are amazing self help books, which really are helpful. Picking out the right one(s) is the difficult part. I think the best way is to look for books that are grounded in scientific research like for example "The happiness trap" which was written by a clinical psychologist who can really proove the effectiveness of the methods in the book.
the problem is ppl go into them with issues already and like her take them so literal to where youre doing every single thing and youre taken over by it. The smarter idea is grabbing small parts of it that produce meaningful results in your life and build off that. Even the most positive helpful things in the world if taken to their logical extremes are going to cause harm to you..
Something that’s absolutely essential to making it work is to pick one book or one course at a time and let it really sit with you for a while. Lots of self help junkies (me included) chase more and more information and paralyse ourselves with the endless stream of content.
Listening to this at work & was in tears at the end. She pinned point so many mutual feelings that i have about myself. This just reminded me that’s everything will be okay and to not stress myself out too much over the little things. Everyone isn’t perfect and has flaws. The world isn’t ending bc of me and my actions (i say this bc i place so much blame on myself I’d literally blame the end of the world on myself). It’s an everyday battle but I’m willing to conquer the challenge. At the end of the day it’ll all make sense.
The problem with the self help industry is that too many people believe that simple participation will fix their lives. IE "I read a Tony Robbins book and all will improve." Robbins gives excellent advice at times. And I'm sure that if one had thousands of dollars to throw away his seminars would be a positive experience. But the root of self help as I tell my own subscribers is this. Self. Most intuitively know that they have to have a positive mindset, have to have good strategy to advance and have to use massive effort. The self help gurus may be helpful in some aspects of turning your life around. Some strategical methods. But if you are spending all of your time reading book after book and chasing these gurus all the time on YT or around the country (including me) then you will never be focused on the actual advancement part. I'm only small time but this is my constant advice--take what works and discard what doesn't. You shouldn't be spending thousands of dollars when the real origin of change is in the mirror. Hope that helps someone out there--Charles.
I'm the living proof of how self-help books work! And I'm the happiest and best I've ever been. It's what you do or don't with the information, not the books themselves. Instead of all the doing, fixing, wanting, needing more, wish you could've just stopped for a minute to see and appreciate how much you have. What changed my life from them is to be ok with not being ok, and to see how enough I am without being perfect nor having more. I think at the end she actually proved how those books worked after all. It just took much longer for them to kick in.
@@samkobaisi1 The Power of Now, The alchemist, The untethered soul, The 4 agreements, A return to Love, The 7 spiritual laws of success- more on the innest soul realm. Atomic habits, Rich dad poor dad, The 4 hour work week - more on the day-to-day realm. Hope you'll enjoy reading some of them.
Something that did actually help me in my life was doing more risky, scary or uncomfortable things. Not things that were scary to others, but things that were scary to me. Things that I actually wanted to do. It actually helped my anxiety, up to a certain point. I get her point though... You shouldn't have unrealistic expectations of yourself.
The dear person that's reading this, we don't know each other or we might do but I wish you all the best in life don't ever blame yourself, accept things and go forward. Your smile is precious and a key tu a happy life🙂
Nice talk. What she does not dare to say out loud (because of social acceptability): There definitely IS something wrong with you, because of the materialistic way modern society has conditioned you. Simply accepting who you are is not enough. You must be open to look deep into yourself and possibly admit that you are a short-sighted, prejudiced, selfish brat (how dare you tell me that?? I have rights! I am entitled!!). The way back to inner wholeness and self-mastery is a long way of committed reading, living and growing.
Title: "Why self help will not change your life" Talk: "How self-help books changed my life drastically, first for worse, then for the better." Me: Confused. Hotel: Trivago.
Great talk. Great points. I remember the other TED talk with similar title also speak of approaching self-help from a position of growth rather than achieving goals and not to let other people control who you should become; instead look inwards and start from there. In my humble opinion there's no harm on reading self-help books. As long as you hone your BS detector and watch out for those really bad ones.
I was once a self hep junkie and it messed my life. I would have this high like I was on coke while reading a book and after that I was a mess, numb and depressed. As a result I resigned from a great paying job “to follow my heart and dreams” which ended me jobless for more than 2 years. I still love reading but more on practical things currently about memory enhancement and tidying.
Great message I think everyone needs to hear. This woman is a gem, a diamond in the rough. She is really cool just being herself. I will watch and rewatch this video over and over.
There are always perspectives on every way. It is just the meaning we put on each experiences, that is how we maneuver our life, not to be told by anyone else.
This was an amazing ted talk. She’s so well spoken and so brave to do all of those things. I’m really proud of her and this talk has helped me put things in different perspective. Thank you!
Ive just finished her book and was glad to figure out that she is so open to speak the words. That shows wisdom. They say, there are 3 sources you may find the truth: 1. Scriptures 2. Wise masters 3. Own experience 3rd point is the most important.
"So, it's great to get the guidance and the wisdom, but please remember that you're OK the way you are. If you get up every morning and do your best to be a decent person, that's really enough... I thought I was broken and I needed to fix myself, and I now see that I was never broken and I didn't need to fix myself. And neither do you!"
Self-Help does work, but you need to understand which of these books are self-help and which are self-BSing(mostly promising you to become extra-rich and succesful with women/men despite your social status and looks). Plus. At least it helped me to get in shape, learn English myself, - now doing German-, motivate some people, stop worring and acting, made me accept the world, people and forget childhood trauma. The most important parts of self-improvement are: 1) Accepting yourself and Humans as they are. 2) Fixing your mental healt( anxiety, fears and past traumas) 3) As you accepted yourself and understood what can/can't be done to improve your looks/skills/education and finances. 4) As you undersant what peoople want and need, and what you and they can afford, you do everything you can to get and give what's needed or just step aside AND ACCEPT IT. Good luck!
Who you are is who you are, in the moment. Become who you want to be by taking the steps required to be that person - not expecting it to miraculously happen just because you say it will be. You can't skip steps to be there. You need to take the steps to get where you want to be. Following your intuition and concious is a good start. Don't be a fraud - be genuine in your actions and you will get good results. Godspeed!
I remember reading a lot of self help books when I was younger(I read all the ones she mensioned) and I noticed that after a while the information began to have the same messages. I never had the negative outcome that she experienced, but they really never helped me (well except for "fell the fear and do it anyway", and "the power of now.") Most self help books were good at letting me know the cause of my problems, but they never really gave me any helpful ways to solve then. But, I don't feel I wasted my time reading them(except for that silly book "the secret.")
Wonderful comment! I just finished the book and it gave me a new, completely different understand of the self help industry and of myself. You described so many different situations that I completely identified with and at certain points I felt what you felt along your journey. Thank you for this illumination 🙏 I can only recommend the book to everyone who is trying to find herself/himself and to those who just want to have a refreshing view on self help. This book really inspired me 😊
I have to say I agree with her 100%. I have bought so many "self-help books and tried and tried, and it ends up being this mess because you feel you need to be happy, content and constantly smiling otherwise you're not making progress..,and I find that forcing to smile and forcing to be happy, and faking it till making it so ridiculous. If you can't express your true emotions and acknowledge them and understand why you're feeling what you're feeling you can't ever move pass the trauma, sadness and depression. So often we feel abnormal if we feel sad, confused, lost, isolated, and depressed. And those are all parts of natural and healthy ways to feel, it is not realistic to be happy all the time, laughing all the time and being on cloud nine, not unless you're on some drugs. I don't think as a society we are told we are ever okay as we are, no we are constantly told we need to be better, have higher education, have better job, get a nicer car, have better clothes, have more money, have more things and it becomes this ongoing cycle of trying to get to the next destination and get to the next best thing and it ends up taking us away from what really matters.
I believe we need to cultivate body and mind (with exercises and learning) The soul and the heart are so mysterious there is no miracle solution. Those are feed with nature and loved one. Keep it simple and do what you love.
Just came across your book "help me" summary, and found your Ted talk... I was about to indulge in reading some self help books. My plan was to start read from August till December 2022. Thanks your insight i will be cautious of what I read and why I will try to implement..
I think the biggest takeaway we can all get is that we have to remind ourselves that we are doing it for ourselves instead of beating yourself up we need the new perspective of how cool this thing can help me and she is right about progress not perfection.
I do believe some people get addicted to just reading self help and never get around to apply it .. I think she was a typical example.. its not that self help doesn't work. but it certainly doesn't work when not applied consistently.
IMHO walking the self-help path is in any case a trigger to being responsible towards yourself, knowing you can and must improve, and gets you asking questions and inching your way forward through trial and error. In any case... beware of gurus.
One simple question you need to ask is that there were no books like this in olden times yet we see great mathematician, engineers, artist, doctors and many other who are better than many professionals today and more passionate and did they read books like this? obviously not. they all stayed silent and attentive in their actions and learned from that.
To anyone wondering, the self-help industry is now estimated to be worth 47.92 BILLION DOLLARS. It's the same as the diet industry. Don't let it ruin your self image any more than it already has -- speaking to myself as well. We're all just fine how we are, as long as we're not hurting others. I believe in you, to make peace with yourself.
This should have a different title... lol totally contradictory. Self-help books urged her to change her life in a positive way, thus disproving the title. Got some Freudian falsifiable info going on. Everyone’s human experience is nuanced and individual. Should not be boxed into categories..
Good video... I'm not trying to recommend another self-help book, but there are therapies that deal with your inner critic and accepting your flaws, perhaps that cuts straight to the source of what we are really wanting to get out of self-help, which is the feeling that we are fine the way we are :D
I think that there are definitely some self-help proclaimed books out there that are kinda far-fetched 😭 but the most important thing to take away from any of them is that you need to do some deep diving and see what is important to you. What are your values and how do you want to live your life? And finally, how can you prep yourself to do things to achieve your goals great or small? Eventually, you will find things that work for you. Try reading a bit about a self help book before you buy it too. Get something that resonates with you. There are different views on how to approach life. Take what you like, change those that you don't and try to live your best life.
Are we only making a distinction here between something that "helps" and something that "changes your life?" Because both Tolle and Brown, cited here as having helped, write "self-help" books. (That's a broad category.)
People like this is replacing one type of goofy obsession with another goofy obsession. Partly driven by social media obsession & likes & self affirmation of strangers on internet.
@Yee Kay, I get your point. I'm very introverted too and I have a similar story, but feel a strong need for connection at the moment. But of course as you said, everyone has different needs. I was just trying to understand what to get out of this video as I was a bit confused with the message
I can tell all the people in the comments have read “fluff” books, meaning very general information about mental health and good habits, etc. The way you actually do it is you identify a certain skill or weakness in your life and find information on it by a credible author and implement it. Social skills? Read a book on it and then go out and implement it. Bad grades? Read some of the books by Cal Newport and implement the advice. Reading is a huge waste of time unless it’s goal oriented towards you and you implement the advice. I’ve read 12 of them and probably 3 were worthwhile. But those 3 were definitely worth it.
It may be that some well-intentioned self-help writing is aimed at people who have lost all hope (rather than those of us who could just do with a morale-boost). The authors merely want to get those unmotivated people to get out of bed, wash and dress. They thus overstate what's possible in their lives in the hope that such sky-high objectives will somehow motivate their readers to do something fairly basic. Hence the unrealistic hype. One does hope that not too many people take the recommendations too seriously, resigning from steady jobs to pursue unresearched pipedream-enterprises for which there is no demand. At least one self-help book has a disclaimer which effectively says that the ideas therein are overstated so don't sue us when they don't work. The books also contain some rather sinister teaching about relationships, where you're told to ditch people who don't help you reach your goals.
My name is Aliyu am a Nigerian 2020 during coronavirus pandemic is was seriously down started yahoo, when I come in contact with self help book my life change. Am now assisting people to live a good life
We use words to add up thoughts in our heads, emotions are tied to our words which we turn into actions, it’s our acceptance to the reasons we give ourselves to feel these emotions, you wouldn’t agree with me unless you’ve accepted a reason to agree with me, correct? If there’s more than one way at looking at every situation than why do we beat ourselves up over things we consider as negative? What’s the point of beating yourselves up from past actions if you can just reject those thoughts and you can accept only positive thoughts. We’re constantly judging people’s opinions,correct? That’s you judging my opinion if you agree or disagree which means you accepted my opinion and chose to judge it in a positive or negative point of view You shouldn’t have any more mental problems unless you agree that they are worth having anyways so this fixes any problems you thought you had, remember that if something’s a problem that means you accepted reason you’ve given yourselves to have those problems. Look at the cup half full every time you judge a situation and you’ll never have another problem ever again
Fantastic. Beautiful! The fact that you have ear-to-ear grin and playful vibe is enough. The rest... getting of your comfort zone whether it via improv or jumping out of plane are just enriching experiences serving as gloss.