Death is Inevitable - Grief is Not | Jennifer Mathews | TEDxAshland

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NOTE FROM TED: This talk only represents the speaker’s personal understanding of the grief. Some viewers may find elements of this talk to be distressing or objectionable. TEDx events are independently organized by volunteers. The guidelines we give TEDx organizers are described in more detail here: storage.ted.com/tedx/manuals/t...
After the love of her life died in 2011, Jennifer Mathews wondered why she wasn't devastated. How could she still be happy? She questioned herself for years, and then she began questioning the cultural expectation of grief itself. What if grief is not inevitable after all? In this personal and unconventional talk, Jen challenges us to break free from the limitations and language of a “grieving process” and change the way we think about and respond to the death of those we love. She combines life stories and tools with references to recent research on grief, opening up new possibilities for emotional wellbeing when navigating death. Jennifer Mathews is a self-proclaimed spiritual cheerleader who loves meditation as much as she loves microphones. After her beloved died in 2011, Jen became passionate about sharing life-affirming perspectives on grief and loss through her writing, workshops, and presentations. She is on a mission to shift cultural messages that hold us back from joy and to help people connect to the spirit of who they are. Jen is a founding member and active organizer of the Ashland Death Cafe and the Living/Dying Alliance of Southern Oregon. As part of the Community Outreach and Education team of the award-winning film Death Makes Life Possible, she has facilitated conversations on death, dying, and the afterlife in the US, the UK and Ireland. Jen lives in Mount Shasta, California or wherever her camper van takes her. She is unapologetic for applauding when she sees rainbows, shooting stars, or bioluminescence. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

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15 июн 2024

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Комментарии : 903

@maehaslet Год назад

Oh my I'm reading some of these comments and just losing it. Such an emotionally charged conversation and some really beautiful stories being shared. Thank you Jennifer for creating this space and opportunity for people to share in this way.

@darrellrussell7259 Год назад

it is a really sensetive topic, I think that is what triggered everything

@kenoxfps8598 Год назад

people have been through a lot and we cannot even imagine their pain

@kenanxo7384 Год назад

some people have a burden that not many of us could carry

@maehaslet Год назад

@Sheelah Svancara well even death is only temporary

@barrywells2020 Год назад

as a sensitive person I cried the whole way through

@jessicamahmed 2 года назад

When she described herself as an ‘optimistic person’ I was thrown! People are optimistic? By default?

@janetsplace1953 2 года назад

you read this all wrong!

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

Hi Jessica. There are studies of people's personalities and temperaments and some of us are more naturally optimistic, while others are more naturally pessimistic. Martin Seligman's book Learned Optimism is a very interested read, if that appeals to you (though more academic). I feel I had an advantage because optimism comes more easily to me while others may need to "learn" that perspective. Hope that helps! - Jen

@sadzigrezoh 3 месяца назад

The laughter therapy is such a unique and positive approach. It's refreshing to hear a perspective that goes beyond the traditional expectations of grief.

@Twitchisme Год назад

Honour the deceased's memory by celebrating a life well lived. Their triumphs, passions, favourite movie, meal and red wine

@jennifermathews3633 11 месяцев назад

Indeed, calling someone's presence forth in real time is a great way to honor and celebrate their continued impact in our own lives. Thanks for your comment!

@ulisseditaque 4 года назад

I cannot imagine the people who have left this place before me, wanted me to suffer because they were gone.

@lizbeethgonzalezhernandez 4 года назад

How true Ulisse.

@briannavantifcampen 4 года назад

when I go I want people to celebrate my life not cry about my death.

@kaymitchell4935 4 года назад

💕 💞 💓yes💕 💞 💓

@bonniehavel 4 года назад

What a brave and lovely talk, letting go with love is the best way to go.

@chewysbacka 4 года назад

I needed to see this.

@zackarnold1560 3 года назад

Those whom we loved never really leave us. They live on forever in our hearts, and cast their radiant light onto our every shadow.

@valenciaponomarenco 2 года назад

i feel this on so many levels

@helenimnotready 2 года назад

Thats what makes existence so perfect!

@artcornish3520 3 месяца назад

I've never thought about grief in this way! Clearly your experience is so unlike how we're conditioned to behave... it's really thought-provoking to be offered a different lens to view the experience of grief through

@jennifermathews3633 3 месяца назад

I love that you see this talk as thought-provoking since that is my hope, that it will generate conversations and the possibility to look at how we respond to death differently, free from conditioning (even if that means we feel deep sadness, at least we can experience that genuinely rather than being taught that it is the only way). I'm glad my experience can be of value to others. - Jen

@pizza-addict 3 месяца назад

This is the kind of shift in perspective we need as a society. Throwing away the old programming and actually thinking and feeling for ourselves, heck yeah!

@jennifermathews3633 2 месяца назад

Thank you!! Yes yes, throw away old programming ... Unlearning what is "automatic pilot" and authentically responding to life and to death. I'm with you 100%!

@billy-martin 4 года назад

I went to a friends fathers Irish Wake, we laughed and cried and felt his life in full. I get this!

@jhonusalazar 4 года назад

I have an Irish friend and he talks about wakes too.

@rongigz 4 года назад

Love me a good wake!!!

@matveykoshelev 2 года назад

the way it should be!

@5MinutePsychology 2 года назад

Death is inevitable. And grief, in my opinion is, too. It's just that we all go through it in a different way. Not everyone needs to cry their heart out to grief. Sometimes grief has a bitter-sweet taste of a loss and love.

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

Thanks for your comments here. I agree that we all respond different to death, it's just that for some of us, it's not with much sadness (aka grief). I know the word grief tends to mean the range of emotions, but I do hope that we will have new language so that the implication isn't that we all "grieve" when the word still has the connotation of sadness. I would say that sometimes our "response to death" has a bittersweet taste of loss and love! Indeed!

@wiltjackson Месяц назад

Thank you for sharing your story. The fact that we expect people to act a certain way and say things like "oh they're in denial" or "It hasn't hit them yet" when they don't is pretty messed up when you think about it.

@MisterekMr 2 месяца назад

This is important. It's a reminder that individuals have unique ways of coping and there's no right or wrong way to navigate emotionally tricky situations.

@simonoshlor 3 года назад

Grief as a process we must go through. We just have to intellectualise everything. Just feel and acknowledge.

@debtfreedivas8513 2 года назад

I find it fascinating - so many commenters reacted, commenting on GRIEF experiences when the speaker talked about survivor response to DEATH experience. We have been culturally taught that GRIEF is the NORM after DEATH, when the research [and the presenters experience, and my experience] shows there are multiple responses after death. GRIEF is 1 of those responses. JOY/CONNECTION is a response. One is not "better" or "worse" or "believeable" or "wrong". May we all have the honor to experience whatever emotions we have after the DEATH of a loved one. ❤

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

Thank you!! I wrote 2 replies to you, and they seem to have disappeared. My apologies! The gist is yes yes yes I am so glad that you resonate and "get it" from your own experience. I am hopeful that these new perspectives of death and how we respond will become a more common conversation many people have.

@avajayden1729 2 месяца назад

What a breath of fresh air! The emphasis on laughter as a tool for healing is so beautiful

@jennifermathews3633 2 месяца назад

Thank you for your comments! I'm glad you enjoyed the talk and hope you can use unconditional laughter as a tool in your own life in a way that's valuable for you.

@the1onlyisme Год назад

Absolutely agree that grief is not the only authentic response to death. When my grandmother died at 93 I was so relieved. The poor woman was just in constant pain, couldn't do anything and had been miserable for years.

@jennifermathews3633 11 месяцев назад

Thanks for sharing your experience here! - Jen

@gretaallison Год назад

The buzz from that beautiful love Jennifer had is going to last the rest of her life. May she continue sharing this message of celebrating unconditional love.

@jennifermathews3633 Год назад

Indeed!! Thank you so much for seeing that this talk is really about unconditional love. You are exactly right!!

@EveningTV 3 года назад

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross actually wrote about the 5 stages of dying and it got sort of hijacked and then popularized and criticized as the 5 stages of grief. I lost a son to a drug. overdose a few years ago and found myself grieving more over abuse and dead relationships with living people, and my son has continued to be a living presence in my life. I'm not as grief free as this woman, but I understand the sentiment.Thank you.

@jennifermathews3633 3 года назад

My heart goes out to you with the death of your son. Thank you for sharing here, and for expressing your awareness of your own grief and how it was more related to other dynamics. So important that we talk openly about that piece! Thank you. (And yes, "hijacked" is a good word for the 5 stages, since they are about dying rather than grief). All the best to you, sincerely. - Jen

@milagroczarnecki 8 месяцев назад

Her call for a cultural shift in how we respond to death is powerful. We should embrace diverse responses to loss.

@jennifermathews3633 7 месяцев назад

YES!! Thank you for seeing that my sharing is about a cultural shift! Exactly.

@majandess 4 года назад

Oh, thank you! My husband and soulmate died earlier this year, and I have been wondering what is wrong with me. After he died, I felt the strongest feelings of gratitude and community that I have ever had. I felt trapped by "grief culture" - it was stifling, creepy, and just felt wrong - and I tried to find some way to escape it. And while I miss my husband so much, I'm doing better than I ever thought. Yes, there are times when his absence is palpable, and there are times when I cry. But mostly, I'm happy. And it's so difficult to explain to people because we just don't have adequate language for it.

@jennifermathews3633 4 года назад

Thank you for taking the time to share about your experience. Yes, I truly hope more and more people will see how expecting grief as the only response to death doesn't truly reflect many of our experiences when a loved one dies. The main experience for some of us is connection and joy, and the cultural idea that "the more you love, the more you grieve" just isn't accurate. Sometimes or for some of us, the more you love someone, the more joy and gratitude you feel! And that is a beautiful thing to be honored rather than questioned. May your journey be filled with your husband's sweet presence.

@jennifermathews3633 4 года назад

Thank you for sharing your experience! I am so glad we can find the resonance with one another and allow ourselves to feel joy despite the expectation of grief. All the best to you!

@russhearn 4 года назад

I lost my wife of 33 years last month to Covid? I know I understand

@sheilalindsay 4 года назад

thats beautiful...

@charlievantas 4 года назад

This is so tragic and so beautiful, I don't know you majandess but your story and Jennifers hit me deeply, bless you.

@donthegiese 2 года назад

I find this very hard to contemplate, I miss my mum so much... It hurts and still does.

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

Hi Don. My heart goes out to you. We all respond to death differently, so be gentle with yourself and your inner process.

@rebelneycha Год назад

@@katfisch7119 I wholeheartedly agree. Society’s censoring of pain versus joy or laughter could not be more obvious. I’ve been in private practice for more than two decades and cultivating safe spaces that allow others to bear witness to their pain has by far been what my clients needed more support for and permission to do. I support the experience of authentic joy, laughter, peace and optimism. I ALSO strongly believe we must have reverence for the difficult emotions and trust that they have value too. Otherwise the toxic positivity that you refer to will continue to take an incalculable toll on society. Don, I wish you strength of heart to mourn. And may you find all that you need.

@valeriezushin9419 9 месяцев назад

This does not apply to some losses!

@borleyboo5613 Год назад

My sisters husband just died. He was my brother in law and much loved by all of his family. I honestly cannot imagine ‘laughing’ in that forced and false-sounding manner about his death or remembering him like that. We do share laughter when we talk about David, but it’s real and loving and genuine. It’s helped my sister and her children and me very much.

@jennifermathews3633 Год назад

Thanks for sharing your experience, and my heart goes out to your sister, you, and your family. I wouldn't suggest laughing about anyone's death, honestly. Laughing "on purpose" can be a way to shift energy, and to let go of holding on to the struggle or grief, if only for a few moments. In this talk, I offer laughter as a "tool" - just allowing the body to laugh without anything being funny - and then allowing it to inform whether we are holding on to our emotional state in the moment or not. All the best as you continue to remember him together.

@trustfactornow Год назад

I think maybe you've missed the point of this talk and she's certainly not suggesting you need to laugh about your loved one or their death

@b0i-oh-bOi 2 года назад

People have known death is a thing forever. And yet, we still have no clue how to talk about it.

@hasnain-jeelani 2 года назад

Everyone overcomes the grief in their own way

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

Indeed! Which includes not feeling much or any grief, depending on perspectives, inner tools, experiences, and practices.

@victhatsme Год назад

I felt liberated after listening to Jennifer. My best friend died recently, after a battle with cancer and I was grateful she wasn't suffering any more.

@jennifermathews3633 Год назад

I'm so glad to hear that the talk was liberating for you. Yes, you can be grateful and at peace with your friend's death and deeply love her at the same time!! Thanks for taking the time to comment.

@jerrydeacon3424 3 года назад

I remember being told we thought our mom might die. So I found myself feeling sad and sorry for myself, making it about me and the impact on my life. And then I caught myself creating that poor me story in my head. My conclusion was the understanding of death was for those who were left behind, perhaps and most likely with regret or sorrow. Jennifer Mathews your approach to grief is in acceptance of feeling, and living a love that will never die. Truly beautiful.

@jennifermathews3633 3 года назад

Thank you, Terry, for sharing your experience here. It’s amazing to me what happens when we “catch ourselves” as you describe. I’m glad that you resonated with my approach to grief and hopefully the freedom we each have to discern which response to death is truly ours and which is conditioned. All the best to you in the new year! - Jen

@PrincessStrangeLove 5 месяцев назад

Her perspective makes a lot of sense to me. Life should be celebrated, not lamented... even when it's lost.

@jennifermathews3633 4 месяца назад

Glad you can relate, thank you!

@jacquelinebrumbaugh 6 месяцев назад

I think her perspective on death and grief is refreshing! We all cope in different ways and her journey is real proof of that.

@jennifermathews3633 4 месяца назад

Thank you! Your words are exactly what I was hoping people would get ... that my experience is just one example (aka proof) that we all experience death of loved ones differently, and all of it is okay.

@thejanicej 2 года назад

Grief is such a strange thing I find. I have had people, or experiences, I've had to grieve, I've also had to grieve choices I've made - and how that grief shows up is so different depending on where I'm at in my life.

@thisislife8931 2 года назад

thank you for sharing this with me

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

So true!

@ma-T-oxic 2 года назад

“When someone we love dies, we’re taught to ignore most of the tools we already have for well being because we are supposed to grieve instead”. This line took me by complete surprise

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

I'm so curious to hear what took you be surprise about this statement. I hope the sentiment is helpful to you and others. I have found that when people encounter challenging times, they often use their tools (gratitude, refocus, find their way back to center, connect, etc.) but when it comes to death, we are taught that the only thing we are supposed to feel is grief. And therefore we aren't "supposed to" use positive tools to cope because we are expected to grieve. To me, it's important to be aware of if we are truly still experiencing grief, or if we are staying in grief because of expectations. I suggest that we can use our tools for wellbeing - whatever they are - even when dealing with death.

@imaislieIm 5 месяцев назад

My best friend died recently after a courageous battle with cancer. I'm grieving for the void in my life but happy she's no longer in pain.

@jennifermathews3633 4 месяца назад

I can totally understand that. Yes, the gap is a huge adjustment and it's good to allow yourself to feel the heartache. And yes, remembering the relief on behalf of your best friend is so honoring of them. Blessing to you and may your connection continue in beautiful ways. - Jen

@scottvboland 2 месяца назад

Pretty blown away by her ability to find connection and gratitude. Definitely turning the idea that grief is the only response on its head

@jennifermathews3633 2 месяца назад

Thanks! To me the key to finding connection and gratitude are practicing these BEFORE something challenging such as the death of someone we love happens in our lives. Then we already have the tools and can better apply them, even regarding death.

@1henrythomas 3 года назад

I can feel sad and happy at the same time, to remember my mother brings tears and also wonderment of the things she did.

@leposunce6016 3 года назад

Actually, I feel the same about my grandmother

@alextwarburton 2 года назад

In a world where everything we want is at the touch of a button, not being able to have access to someone we love so easily is almost unthinkable and when it happens, our world falls apart. People are living longer and longer; we even have control over how the natural world impacts us for most part. I believe it is going to be harder for people to accept death in generations to come. Inner exploration is becoming a lost art.

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

Interesting point, Alex. Indeed, inner exploration is such a key piece to how to respond to death. I too wonder if death will be easier or harder to face over time, for future generations. I have seen that more people - including younger people in their teens, 20s, and early 30s - are considering and thinking about death and dying more than ever. There has been a shift in willingness to have conversations about death, which is hopeful. My hope is that people will begin to see that they can have access to their loved ones on a different level after death, and that even though they can't call or FaceTime them, they can still connect. I find connection to be an antidote for loss, but as you say, people need to tend to their inner life to get there. Thanks for your thought-provoking comments! - Jen

@Geoffpaxton 2 года назад

@@jennifermathews3633 This response gave me tingles. I hope for a world like this in the future for me and the people I love.

@tarahjaiden1680 2 года назад

Its a good idea to recognise how guilt impacts how one feels.

@mikehweaver Год назад

My great grandmother died recently aged 102 and her funeral was a celebration of her life rather than a sombre occasion, it was a welcome change and has made the processing a lot easier

@jennifermathews3633 Год назад

So glad to hear that! How amazing that she lived to 102, wow. A life to be celebrated, indeed!! I hope that someday we will celebrate the life of all who die, even if they are very young or even if it was a tragic death. Not to ignore that we wish they lived longer, but to truly honor the years they had on earth and the gifts we received from them in the time they were in our physical lives. Thanks for your comment!

@pauljchang 4 года назад

What a beautiful and truthful perspective! I had a really great time pouring myself a glass of joy and laughter! I really appreciate this talk so much -- it gives such permission for us all to be how we really are.

@sergeypestovskiy 4 года назад

I agree, I went through this and people kept saying I needed to suffer more.

@WilliamJCroft 4 года назад

What's implied here, but not explicitly stated, is that we can continue the relation and even communications with our loved ones, after transition. There are many accounts of those who have experienced this. Perhaps a new normal for our culture --as it existed certainly in past indigenous cultures. In acknowledgment of this aspect, in those times, the passing was a celebration of new beginnings and opportunities.

@jennifermathews3633 4 года назад

Yes!! That concept would be too spiritual for this venue, though a connection after death is absolutely my experience and contributed to my gratitude and joy. Thank you for stating that here. May we all have more and more conversations about this continuation of relationship in new forms!

@janegeegeehogge Год назад

This talk is definitely polarizing and judging from the comments some people don't seem to get it. Personally I'm grateful for the perspective you're presenting here Jennifer. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who doesn't grieve their loved ones.

@jennifermathews3633 Год назад

Thanks for your comments! I'm glad you know you're not alone in your experience. And yes, the talk is controversial when people think I'm saying they shouldn't grieve or be grieving, or that they should do it differently. But as you know, that's not the point. The point is to speak publicly about how some of us have a different relationship to death, which doesn't include heartache and sadness.

@Lulu-99 3 месяца назад

Your talk is a powerful reminder that grief doesn't have to be the only response to death. It's liberating to think that we can choose our emotional path, even in the face of profound loss.

@jennifermathews3633 3 месяца назад

I am so glad that you used the word "liberating." That is precisely the point to me, that we each are free to choose our perspectives and thoughts in each moment, and that the more we talk about this topic in light of that, the more free people can be to access inner joy and peace, even in the face of death. Many thanks to you! - Jen

@gpacas10 4 года назад

I am currently going through what Jen describes: Why aren't I grieving when my beloved 20-year old daughter just passed? Having this paradigm shift, focusing on the connection and her presence has certainly made my response different. I must say, though, that I have a supportive community around me, which has made us both feel loved and held in their prayers. In any event, what Jen has taught us both is making my process easier to deal with. My gratitude to you, dear Sapita.

@kylelramsay 4 года назад

How are you know, sorry curious as my sister lost her husband.

@miatbenjamin 2 года назад

I often catch myself thinking about how hard it will be to live after my partner does, how painful it will be living in a world without him, ignoring the fact that I don’t know who will go first- him or me (or maybe bath at the same time). I get so scared that I push him away to try and prevent how horrible I will feel without him and I miss out on the beautiful moments we can have right now. This is why I ended up here, watching this, and I feel like I found some space to shift this thinking.

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

Thanks, @mia benjamin, for your honesty about how you might be pushing your partner away at times in hopes of not feeling as much pain if he's no longer in your physical life. Such important self-awareness! To me, there is cultural conditioning that tells us the more we love someone, the more grief or despair we will ("should") feel. But in my experience, the more we love someone doesn't determine our response to death or pain. In fact, my experience is that deep love can actually support us in navigating death because we love someone so much that we support the next step on their soul's path, even if that means leaving the body. I'm so glad that you found some space around this and I hope that your love continues to deepen, knowing that you will be able to always call forth your partner's presence and all he means to you, regardless of if he's in body or spirit. All the best to you! - Jen

@Geoffpaxton 2 года назад

I find myself doing this too, it is a real eye opening perspective.

@jonrhome 2 года назад

She's pretty magic this one.

@nekoac2122 3 года назад

We have lost our child at 19. We miss him immensely everyday we don't want to ignore and not miss him. We loved his presence and that makes us so sad. Sounds as though you push those feelings down, avoid the pain. Happy that you grief differently if at all. :)

@jennifermathews3633 3 года назад

Hi Neko. My heart goes out to you with the loss of your child. I'm sure you loved him deeply and realize it can be heartbreaking that he's no longer here in the physical with you. Yes, missing someone can bring a feeling of connection, even though the lack of his presence brings sadness. In my experience, connecting to my beloved's presence uplifted me. I hear that you feel the absence mostly, and that can be very very difficult. I don't believe I avoided pain, but rather that I found connection to my partner, and that this connection dissolved the loss. Of course, adjusting to the physical loss is different for everyone. May you find moments of deep connection beyond the pain, and may your healing process be filled with love. Blessings, Jen

@sorphealove3321 3 года назад

well isn't this just a little ray of sunshine. to see such a smile speak of such love and care and to still be able to see the positives after losing the love of her life.... what an absolute gem.

@conradthelegendwhite 3 года назад

I find her to be very radiant.

@sorphealove3321 2 года назад

@@conradthelegendwhite thats kind of creepy to say you know.

@sadzigrezoh Год назад

I love this too, truth does not hurt when its delivered with love

@jankelsey9738 4 года назад

Awesome talk Jennifer! As a hospice nurse I couldn't agree more, but rarely do individuals understand the beautiful freedom, and inevitability of death. Most, understandably, are entombed in their own loss. I share you views on death. You're an evolved soul in this regard. Very well done. 🙏 🕉

@laycienega 3 месяца назад

I like this a lot. So many people think the only reason to not feel upset by a death is because you didn't actually like them that much but I think it's much healthier to approach death in this way. It is a natural part of life, not like anything horrible has happened to them that they have to live through. Plenty of worse things than death.

@jennifermathews3633 2 месяца назад

Yes, exactly, people tend to think if someone isn't sad enough, they weren't close to the person or didn't really love them. We tend to buy into this, and then we believe that we need to hold on to the sadness because we loved the person, and that no longer being sad shows disloyalty or dishonoring. Part of my hope is that people see that it's okay to accept death in a deep way as part of life and find our way to presence and gratitude. Thank you!

@happysufferer Год назад

This is grief as semantics. We all quite clearly grieve differently.

@rongigz 3 года назад

This is just the best approach to living ever; and yes it includes death.

@jennifermathews3633 3 года назад

Thanks, Ron, for taking the time to comment! I love that you “get” it’s about living, and includes death too 😊

@distrachan2671 4 года назад

So good. Yes...I have experienced how people die does effect how I tend to think and feel about their death. "Everybody croaks." Such a nice job on this talk Jen.

@jennifermathews3633 4 года назад

Thanks, Di! I appreciate your comments and encouragement ;-)

@elainarogers 4 года назад

I agree Di, and Jen I adore talk too..

@jennifermathews3633 4 года назад

@@elainarogers Thank you, Elaina!

@thomashurbert 4 года назад

CROAKS????

@mangocantu5382 4 месяца назад

I love the idea of focusing on presence rather than absence. Your ability to shift your perspective and find joy is both brave and inspiring. Thank you for sharing such a personal journey.

@jennifermathews3633 3 месяца назад

Thank you! I'm currently working on a book about absence and presence, so I am thrilled to hear that you love the idea of this perspective. Your comments are much appreciated! - Jen

@KozomoBlur 3 месяца назад

Your talk has made me rethink my own beliefs about grief. It's empowering to consider that there are different ways to respond to death. Your laughter therapy sounds like a wonderful coping mechanism.

@jennifermathews3633 3 месяца назад

Thanks for letting me know that the talk has helped you rethink your own beliefs, and that it's been empowering for you to do that. That's something I hope we all do regularly, myself included! All the best, Jen

@zubairtz Год назад

I can't believe I never considered this before. the expectations people put on us to react a certain way are enormous and it's a relief to know the emotional outcomes of tough situations aren't set in stone.

@leodancingsanders Год назад

Actually I think it's really beautiful, all the emotions Jennifer describes having felt after her partner died - especially the grateful part. Seems like a much better way to honour someone and what you've shared.

@jennifermathews3633 Год назад

Though there are many ways to honor someone who died, I agree that grief doesn't have to be the way we experience or show our love. We can be grateful and still deeply love the person. Just because I'm not sad doesn't mean that I don't have huge love for my beloved! That's a myth, that love = grief. Thanks for your comments.

@andrenotagiant2752 Год назад

The greatest tribute you can give someone is to honour their life with joy and dignity.

@jennifermathews3633 Год назад

Agreed!

@ImSushmitha 4 месяца назад

I wonder how much being a certified laughter teacher helped her deal with her grief? Filling her days with that much positive energy must have been beneficial.

@jennifermathews3633 4 месяца назад

Hello! I do believe focusing on and teaching laughter for years did help me deal with Kate's death. There is so much to learn from unconditional laughter, meaning laughing just because I am willing to. It's really a practice of choice more than anything, a practice of being willing to change my focus and not get stuck on thoughts of absence. If people set a timer, and laughed by choice for even 30 seconds a day, I bet people's inner lives would be different in a matter of weeks.

@lauraladlow Год назад

What a unique perspective! It's really interesting to think about how societal expectations affect our emotional reactions to very personal events.

@coreykansasbell Год назад

I wish I had seen this last year when my sister passed Laura... really powerful.

@nonduality7 Год назад

Love is the only way to think!

@jennifermathews3633 Год назад

Thank you, Laura, for really getting it! My talk really is all about exactly what you wrote, how societal expectations affect our emotional responses to anything (in this case death, but it's about everything actually). i appreciate you taking the time to comment and articulate that. YES!!!

@mylescolton Год назад

truth

@buzzboxes Год назад

truth

@johnbradey 3 года назад

Intelligent and compassionate talk, celebrate don't suffer!

@hazelcarterauthor 5 месяцев назад

Thank you for this. My husband died from MND/ALS 4.5 years ago. I find it very painful when the grief bubbles up and need a different response. I sometime can discover the silver lining and feel blessed for the 13 years we had together . Sadly the 18 months I cared for him in our home have left me somewhat emotionally battered. Will try to laugh more.

@jonasblix 2 года назад

The process of grief can be so different. I've witness families lose their Mother and be distraught, while families that have lost a father pick up the work that he has left off, to do him proud.

@hollymarston 3 года назад

When my Aunt passed, I cried the 1st night, but I dreamed of her and the fun we had as a child. We had tea parties and dress ups, and I could always tell her my secrets. She came to me in my dream and asked me to remember then, not remember the day I passed. And I do and I smile lots.

@jennifermathews3633 3 года назад

That's a beautiful story, Holly! I love that your aunt communicated to you in your dream. Glad that you listened ;-)

@hollymarston 3 года назад

@@jennifermathews3633 thanks Jennifer, I never imagined you would ever see that. Thank you again.

@janetsplace1953 Год назад

I love this!

@averyrothschild 3 года назад

Truly ONE OF THE most inspiring, beautiful TED talks I've heard. Thank you, Jennifer.

@jennifermathews3633 3 года назад

My heart is full and grateful knowing I have inspired you! Thank you so much, Avery, for taking the time to comment. - Jen

@jeffgoldygold 3 года назад

Definitely agree here!

@janetsplace1953 Год назад

I loved this

@mattgruic 7 месяцев назад

I've always believed that there's no 'right' way to grieve. Your story reinforces that idea.

@jennifermathews3633 7 месяцев назад

Thanks for your comment! Exactly, when we get past the idea of "grieving" as the only way, we can open up to more genuine responses to death for ourselves and others.

@buddyfranks Год назад

I remember reading an article that the way in which we treated the end of life hadn't always been about mourning but celebration instead.

@jennifermathews3633 Год назад

Exactly! And it's different in various cultures too. Mourning is usually focused on the "bereaved" person and their loss. Celebration is usually focused on the completion or journey of the one who died, and celebrating their life and their release from the body. Thanks for commenting!

@helloinnerlight 4 года назад

I love this talk! I'm remembering Kate - and the beautiful love you two share!

@bevlouis6068 3 года назад

It was clearly an incredible love.

@g8m8 2 года назад

Lost my mom 2 months ago, this helps...

@careytmoore 3 года назад

There are many ways to respond to death. This is talk warms my heart.

@jennifermathews3633 3 года назад

Thank you Carey for taking the time to watch and comment. Much appreciated!

@careytmoore 3 года назад

@@jennifermathews3633 It is an important message Jennifer, thanks for doing it.

@therealbellasantarosa 3 года назад

so many ways! And we all process so differently

@zeldaselsta 2 года назад

Researching what it means when you lose someone to death, grieving is only one of the options. What a wonderful story and learning this is.

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

Thank you, Zelda, for being part of a new cultural understanding that there are many ways to respond to death, and grief is only one of the options. So grateful to you for watching and sharing this perspective in your conversations with people in your life.

@vardajesty 2 года назад

How many times have we heard take nothing for granted. "Its another beautiful day" everyday.

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

Another beautiful day, indeed!! And it's a daily practice of gratitude. Blessings to you! - Jen

@allisonblaustein7898 Год назад

This actually makes me feel more at peace with my sadness. I think I’d be insane or shallow if I was happy and laughing hysterically after finding my child dead a few months ago . I have felt the shock , anger , the depression , deep loss and the sorrow. Now- I have had a long term & deep spiritual - mindfulness practice- so much so , I have volunteered in prisons & for hospice ( certified death doula here & death vigil volunteer) and I teach mindfulness . These practices are helping , I’m sure , and I’m grateful . I honor my heart and the pain that is present AND I am also doing all that I can to choose peace , faith , love & service and I am watching the pain transform into being a more compassionate person with a deeper sense of my Spirituality

@jennifermathews3633 Год назад

Thank you for sharing your words and experience, Allison. My heart goes out to you, truly, as you navigate the physical loss of your child. I find that sudden deaths are a different experience entirely. I'm glad you have been practicing mindfulness meditations, and also honoring ALL of the emotions during this time of adjustment and healing. I think that's what it's all about. That we can allow ourselves to not only feel the heartache and pain, but that it's possible to choose joy and peace and love, as you've expressed here. Spirituality has played a hugs role in my journey, though I couldn't speak much about that since TEDx has rules about mentioning it. Many blessings to you and what a gift that you are of service to so many others along the way! - Jen

@kasejalaurinewilder 4 года назад

"Many ways to respond to death, and grief is only one of them" Oh yeah. Great talk Jennifer!

@jennifermathews3633 4 года назад

Thanks, Kaseja. Yes, that is my main point. I appreciate you catching that and getting it!

@alexaphillips8911 4 года назад

I thought the same exactly...

@lefthandcharlie 2 года назад

I remember once I heard the story about a mom who was losing her child because of some terrible disease. So she didn't cry during days and nights, she just took her kid home from the hospital and spent the most amazing time with them. She died in her arms, at home, quietly. After that, she became a volunteer and started to help women who had a similar story.

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

That is beautiful!! Thanks for sharing. Yes, we humans are capable of incredible love and resilience, aren't we?

@pengzhou6952 3 месяца назад

Laughter coach sounds like the most beautiful occupation. No wonder you have such a joyous outlook, even on death 💜

@jennifermathews3633 2 месяца назад

Ha ha, yes it was quite fun and potent! Changed my life in many ways. Thanks for respecting and seeing how practicing laughter as a tool could influence my response to death. YAY!

@mojetrouba 4 года назад

Wise and mind-opening. Amazing that at 62 I could learn more about my favorite thing to do: to laugh!

@jennifermathews3633 4 года назад

Thank you! And yes, keep laughing ;-)

@ruperttheprince 2 года назад

I can see the message, but also worry that some people might use this as a way to avoid feeling what they are feeling.

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

Hi Rupert. Yes, I too worried this for a long time, which held me back for years from sharing my experience. What I encourage the most is self-awareness, that people can look inside and know themselves if they are in denial or avoiding feelings, or if they are genuinely using their tools for wellbeing. It's an important distinction! Being okay with death as part of the cycle of life and having a broader outlook are definitely different than repressing sadness that needs to come out. I appreciate you bringing this up. - Jen

@ryleightucker 6 месяцев назад

It must have taken so much strength for her to share a story like this and not care about the negative reactions people would have to it. Sometimes people just don't want to understand.

@jennifermathews3633 4 месяца назад

Thanks for understanding! Yes, I did have to rally in order to share my story. I spent years worrying that people would think I was telling them to not grieve and that they shouldn't ... when really, all I wanted to do was to say that my story is different, that we all don't have the same difficult reaction to death. I appreciate you getting it. - Jen

@emmastandish 3 года назад

I still grieve for my grandmother, 15 years later. But my grief takes the form of fond memories and remembering the love I felt from her. It may be in the form of positive love, but I would still call it grief because it is a sadness that she is gone couple by happiness that my life has those memories. Grief doesn’t need to be sad and melancholic, grief is missing someone or something, and you can miss them while still being happy to have had them in your world.

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

Yes, it's a delicate balance. To me, some of it is about how we use the language of grief. Implicit in the word grief is sadness, though it has come to have a broader definition that includes various responses and emotional experiences. My hope is that we can expand beyond an expectation of "grief" (meaning sadness here) so that everyone can have the range of responses you describe so well, including happiness and sweet memories. Thanks for your comments, Emma!

@SHaas-vj6nu 4 года назад

Thank-you Jennifer. Completely agree with connection. Modern society is totally grief illiterate. Only when you experience a devastating loss of a loved one do you really understand. People die but the love continues. Love is what keeps us connected. However, going through the valley after death of your precious one, as painful as it is, as long as it takes, is the only way to get to the light, understanding, acceptance and connection ~love.

@jennifermathews3633 4 года назад

Yes, indeed, the love continues! For me, the love doesn't cause grief (though that's the popular message we hear), love creates connection. Exactly. And when there is connection, I don't feel the loss because I feel the presence of connection. Thank you for taking the time to make a comment! - Jen

@carlasteadman 3 года назад

I've always thought that grief was a process and although there are different stages we all tend to go about them at different rates. Grief is a funny thing. Grieving lost loved ones, grieving an idea, a dream, a situation. I guess as long as we are feeling that's all that matters.

@TheyCallMeYellowGello 5 месяцев назад

This is amazing, honestly. I don't think people realize that we are conditioned and programmed to react to common situations in a pre-conceived way. Allowing yourself to choose a different response to death and grief is a radical act of self-empowerment.

@jennifermathews3633 4 месяца назад

Thank you so much. Yes, exactly, we aren't encouraged to look at how we are conditioned to respond, especially regarding death. And you put it so well, that the "ALLOWING TO CHOOSE a different response" is "a radical act of empowerment." YESSSSS!! So grateful for your comments. - Jen

@jsisjajja Год назад

i'm feeling uncomfortable viewing it this way which means i've got something to uncover within myself. thank you jennifer

@jennifermathews3633 Год назад

Wow, thanks for your comment of such deep self-awareness. Others might just find it uncomfortable and turn it off. I appreciate that you are looking inward and more deeply at what the talk brought up for you. Thank you!!

@dalini520 4 года назад

Wonderful Ted Talk. Boy, are we programmed on how to feel after a loss. Of Course we're going to feel awful if we look for our loved one's who have passed where they no longer exists. Are you going to look for me where I am or where I'm not!! Do you want to experience connection or separation.

@michelecohn7895 4 года назад

You are a gifted communicator, Jen ! Your talk was fascinating ,provocative, and joyful . You are a true free soul and a natural teacher. It was wonderful to watch.

@kylelramsay 4 года назад

what an amazing talk, so honest.

@joanbacon7056 2 года назад

How interesting, that even in grief there are ‘right’ ways and ‘wrong’ ways. To take something as personal as grief and try to fit it in a box speaks volumes to what is wrong with the world we live in.

@lizb5458 2 года назад

there is no wrong or right, just different for every body.

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

May we all respond to various loved ones' deaths in ways that are genuine for us and our experiences!

@florenciaconde3817 3 месяца назад

It's so cool to come across stuff like this, I think we're really entering an age where people are freely questioning the societal programming and "expected" response to things. Maybe it's a reflection of us connecting to our emotions and actually being brave enough to feel them and act accordingly

@jennifermathews3633 2 месяца назад

You totally get it! Yes, it's about questioning societal messages and expectations. To truly reflect and be more aware of our emotions and what is genuine for us. Thanks for commenting!

@wasabitina 4 года назад

Thank you for this beautiful talk Jennifer. It helps me to understand and accept my own emotional process after the recent death of my mother. I thought there was something wrong with me for not "grieving" enough. Much gratitude! ❣️

@johnlum8136 4 года назад

My mother passed recently, but she was in so much pain, I cried for the memories but happy she was now free.

@sergeypestovskiy 4 года назад

I felt that way when my mother passed.

@jodikennedy8886 4 года назад

Oh Tina losing my mom was hard, I like what Jenn says here, But I also like to have a cry once in a while when something special happens and I just want to tell my mom.

@IAmTheRealJoker 3 года назад

all the gratitude

@geoffdeeprose9469 4 года назад

I did not expect this, really moving and emotionally intellectual presentation.

@maverickvassallo 3 года назад

this caught me, not what I expected.

@stanchance 3 года назад

Yes, I had something different in mind too.

@carlasteadman 3 года назад

It was really incredible

@gemmaatterks 2 года назад

Focused on all that you have lost is not required. Thank you Jennifer.

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

My pleasure! Thank YOU for watching and commenting. I am so glad you resonated with what I shared here.

@jonathanvallers 2 года назад

5 stages of grief. This is a must listen, you'll be surprised by what you don't know.

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

Thanks for encouraging others to listen, Jonathan, so that we can support one another in our own experiences rather than boxing each other (and ourselves) into certain ideas and expectations!

@northcosca 3 года назад

Jennifer's energy is incredibly inspiring. A beautiful way to view the end of a life but the celebration of love and connection. There are so many lessons here that I think a lot of us could use. Thank you for your honesty and bravery.

@jennifermathews3633 3 года назад

I appreciate your comments, thank you! My hope is that others will see that it’s okay that some people don’t struggle as much with death, and that a deep love for someone who died can also show up as connection and joy, not just sadness. I am grateful that people like you are open to these ideas since they are rarely discussed.

@miatharlow 4 года назад

Eloquently spoken with pure honesty and wisdom. Thank you for taking on such a tough subject Jennifer.

@jennifermathews3633 4 года назад

Thank you, Mia, for your kind words. I appreciate the encouragement!!

@laelresands5016 Год назад

As individuals we're unique and it stands to reason the way we express our grief is unique

@jennifermathews3633 Год назад

And in my perspective, if we can shift to expressing our "response to death" rather than our grief, then people have even more permission and space to express however they respond to death, even if it isn't with as much grief as others would expect. Thanks for your comment!

@suehawke 6 месяцев назад

Gosh this woman must be so strong in herself. I understand that grief isn't helpful in terms of getting on with our lives but gosh I would just miss my partner and our connection too much to take on this mindset.

@jennifermathews3633 4 месяца назад

Thank you. I didn't expect to have this kind of response when my partner died. I honestly wasn't sure if I'd be able to get out of bed! But then, amazingly, I felt joy and connection and gratitude. That's why I was obsessed with asking myself how I could feel so good, without grief. And then discovered that the tools and perspectives I already had in my life - in addition to the depth of love in the relationship - actually DID matter and allow me to have a more easeful experience that I could have anticipated. And then I wanted others to know that they might be able to have more ease as well, if they fostered the tools I mention at the end.

@sarahyjames 2 года назад

I've lost 8 friends in the last 10 years and every time I've reacted differently. Very much depends on the dynamic I think.

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

My heart goes out to you, that's a lot of friends to no longer have in the physical. And in a short time! You make such an important point. Certainly, our relationship to the person makes an impact on how we respond or react. And how they die, if it's a process or sudden, if we have unresolved things with them, if we are at peace with the connection, etc. etc. Thanks for watching and commenting. - Jen

@MisterekMr 4 года назад

This caught me off guard, but as I listened I think I just began to see what I knew already. Good TED.

@vickycristena 3 года назад

its a perfect talk.

@rajanaasperis3667 Год назад

very brave of her to challenge traditional notions of grief- I really like the way she thinks about this

@jennifermathews3633 Год назад

Thanks for your encouragement, Rajana. Much appreciated!

@austinjay9486 2 года назад

What a graceful way to honour someone’s memory.

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

Thank you, Austin!

@levshalazar 4 года назад

“To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” ― J.K. Rowling

@jennifermathews3633 4 года назад

Great quote! Thank you!

@levshalazar 4 года назад

@@jennifermathews3633 it fit your talk which was awesome.

@gabehileski 3 года назад

What an enlightened and beautiful human being! I am better for having heard these words of wisdom. Thank you!

@jennifermathews3633 3 года назад

Thank you, Gabe, for your the generosity of your words. I am so glad to have contributed to your wellbeing! - Jen

@jeansammy 3 года назад

Same here, what a beautiful and whole perspective to have

@jennifermathews3633 3 года назад

@@jeansammy I'm honored to be supportive to others by sharing my experience. Thank you for your comment!

@gabehileski 3 года назад

@@jennifermathews3633 very welcome Jennifer!!!

@billconconi3996 2 года назад

The most optimistic and joyful person ever!

@jennifermathews3633 2 года назад

Awwwww, shucks!

@levisenns Год назад

This really comes down to our first experiences with death I think because often it's our grandparents that are the first to go and I think if your parents has had a difficult relationship with them - as most of us do with our parents - then there could be all sorts of unresolved feelings that are coming to the surface and prevent them from having any kind of productive conversation around it, which can be especially jarring if your parent isn't normally emotional like that.

@jennifermathews3633 Год назад

Yes, we totally learn from our parents responses, I agree! I recall going to Catholic wakes with my family, and the elders would sob and sob, and it was clear that this was expected. And I remember feeling like I was supposed to be sad when we thought my great-grandma was going to die when I was 7. (She lived until I was 19, by the way). I didn't feel sad, but I got the cue from my mom that I should feel sad and upset by someone dying. I'm lucky to have had my actual grandparents all alive until they were in their 90s (and I was in my 30s and 40s).