Why socialising can be PAINFUL! (for autistic people) 

socializing is like navigating a minefield with little or no reward.

I like being an observer of socializing. I'll hangout with my friends and larger groups frequently, but I don't like being engaged with, just let me be there in the moment. It's when I'm constantly engaged with that I get uncomfortable, irritable, or drained.

"...I think I've drifted significantly from the topic." - Story of my life.

when im tired, exhausted, or confused my social skills dont work any more. its like this: nt:"thank you!" - "have a nice day!" me: (with pokerface) "yes" -a moment later: thinking: "i think that was the wrong reaktion..."

The example that I use is "imagine that you have to give a lecture in another language". It's not something that you can't do, but you must be very focused, because you're trying to express yourself in another language when a lot of people are focused on you. It is emotionally tiresome, because you are afraid of failing and it is mentally exhausting, because you must work much harder than normally to translate what you´re thinking. It is not like you don't want to establish relationships, but sometimes it's too laborious and you start to question if it really worth it.

I hide from the neighbours so I don't have to say hello and I have to be like a ninja just to put the rubbish out 🤦‍♀️ 😂

The thing is: I always thought everyone felt like this! And it’s just that no one talks about it and when people go out they just act happy and social and some do it better than others. I cannot imagine that others don’t feel all of this all of the time

When I lived with my parents, they would often invite all their friends to our house and every single time this happened I would leave the house half an hour earlier and stay outside alone for the rest of the day, getting some cheap food somewhere near and doing nothing until I knew that everyone would have left and I could return safely (once I had to wait until 1am, watching from the distance to make sure all cars were gone from the front of our house). My parents would get so mad at me when I did this because in their eyes it took zero effort to just say hi to everybody for 2 minutes and then go back to my room. Unfortunately, that little interaction and the questions the guests used to ask me made me so utterly uncomfortable I'd rather waste half a day than suffer for 2 minutes. That's how bad it felt.

Going to the barbers is a nightmare if they try a force a conversation

While my situation is not as severe as some, I can relate to just about everything you are describing. However - and it pains me to say this - these facts cannot be understood (or even believed) by many people who have not experienced them.

Having autism is so much pain for me. If only I could explain myself better, but in stressful situations I just can't. Explaining and articulating also always was a serious weekness for me. Well I learned so much when it comes to these things, but the older I get, the harder the social language gets. Now I'm 22 and adults just have these high social expectiations, which are standart for them..

I am 31 and was only recently diagnosed as asperges autistic. No wonder every day going to work was a living hell, I thought it was just me and no one else felt like I did... then the evenings, replay every interaction over and over and over... if I hadn't found meditation years ago, I would have entirely lost my mind.

I always get torn between not wanting conversation and willing to please people and/or not wanting to hurt them. It confuses me a lot.

I'm only finding out these days that I am an adult Aspie. Now I know why I said to my husband very early in our marriage, "if you greet me with a cheerful 'Good Morning' before 10 am, I'm going to get divorced on the grounds of emotional abuse." And my favourite way of socializing is playing in an orchestra. We don't talk at all. Heaven!

I can feel so drained by being around others. And so much calmer with animals.

Once I tried jut not talking to people. After 10 days I was feeling totally depressed so that doens't work either. I see socialising like going to the gym: I don't wanna do it, I won't enjoy it, but it keeps me healthy

As for daily socializing, sometimes you dread saying hello because the other person might want to be your friend and now you have to talk to them or things get weird. I've learned to be cognizant of my interactions with some people so they don't latch on. And I'm also working on my exit strategy when I do get roped into conversations.

I am very depressed and alone, I feel like im my own worst enemy. I know if I socialise more I will feel less lonely but somehow I cant push myself to do it

I can do chit chat for about 10 seconds. Then it’s just agony and I’m responding as best I can while my whole inner being is screaming “ make it stop!” But if I meet someone who talks about astrophysics or neuroscience or mycology, I’m riveted and can talk and listen for a long time. Going to a meeting or talk is also nearly impossible because so much of the time is spent in prefacing and repeating. I have to sit in the back so I can walk out quietly.

Ive experienced long lonely periods in life, sometimes when someone smiles and waves I'm genuinely very surprised, embarrassed and then feel it's too late when I realize it was actually for me.

I’ve said that, for me social interaction is work, and work is enjoyment. Libraries are to me what party houses are to neuro-typical people. Digging through all that data and acumen is heaven! Stopping in at a party is something I’ll do, but only as a protocol.

Thank you for mentioning how difficult 'simple' and every-day tasks are like getting out of bed, getting dressed. I don't think alot of people fully comprehend how mentally difficult and therefore physically difficult doing these things are for some of us, and then we have to do them one after the other in a short space of time. incredibly debilitating and overwhelming before you even add on leaving your room/house and then social interaction.

I am a self diagnosed high functioning autistic woman. I can usually mask, pretend to be super social and at times I can be the life of the party. But every time, I need so much rest and alone time. I wish I could turn it off but it's automatically switched on as soon as I see another human being I know. Or at times, I get super overwhelmed and become socialy akward and can't seem to read the room. Regardless, I'm usually trying to find the perfect time to leave.

This is why I’ve always been tardy to classes and meetings. I absolutely can’t stand small talk. I’d much rather arrive 3 minutes after the class/meeting has already started so I don’t have to talk to anyone. But it’s gotten me in trouble quite a bit 😅

never seen this explained so well. This is exactly what it feels like. I've never had the words for it, and never heard anyone talk about experiencing the same. I thought i was just whiny or pathetic. everyone thinks i'm just selfish or rude but i'm just perpetually exhausted, too much to interact

I can't wait til Augmented Reality and I can set myself to DO NOT DISTURB because people can't understand the closed body language I already use.

One of the ways that I have begun proactively taking care of myself and respecting my own limitations is by letting people know in advance that I may be leaving the party (or prayer group or Bible study) after an hour because that's as much as I can handle. I used to push push push and feel terribly guilty that I couldn't hang like others could. Now that I am much kinder to myself I find that I have more to give and am more fruitful.

When you get into your area of interest you totally light up and get bright and articulate. It’s really delightful to watch.

I completely agree. Every single time I have tried I usually say some thing that makes people uncomfortable and then they think I’m weird and don’t wanna relationship with me or are mad at me for the rest of the day. I prefer just not talking at all that makes things easier that way. I really wish I didn’t feel this way but genuinely, it gets very frustrating when everyone points out your flaws constantly.

Maybe we should all wear little placards around our necks like traffic signals to let others know what we are feeling. One side can read DO NOT DISTURB, or INTROVERT AT WORK. The other side can read YES, I CAN BE AN EXTROVERT FOR A WHILE. Excellent video. I do find myself wanting to avoid many social interactions as well sometimes. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

I was always fine interacting with actual friends in college, but generally hated talking to people I just knew. Passing someone and having to make small talk... I started finding routes to buildings which would minimize chances of interacting. Honestly though, I do not think Aspies are completely alone on this. I know for a fact one of my room mates, who was way more sociable than myself, would take "back routes" as well just to avoid the small talk. Probably does not affect him as intensely, but he definitely wasn't a fan of it.

this man always speaks so much truth , much respect

I have this problem at work... I'm kinda forced to interact. It's okay at first, but after the first two hours, I'm already drained. I feel eyes on me 24/7 (of which I'm hyperconscious of), and I'm constantly aware of my RBF and the fact that I'm being semi-dismissive with people. I get this urge to stim to calm myself down, and I'm literally fighting myself just to try to act normal. Worst of all, my convos are short because it's hard to find a good common topic with other people without coming across as too strange and freaking them out. It's hell...

I prefer to be doing something alongside talking when I meet up with people. Sitting for a chat with cringy eye contact makes me want to cancel.

Couldn’t agree more. I don’t have the energy for most people and I feel like I have to smile or communicate just to please them but now I just be myself and let them deal with their own opinions

for me, the biggest frustration is people constantly interrupting each other and changing subjects, and not even finishing their sentences.

“It was too much energy to wave back”. ASD almost sounds like severe depression or strong introversion. It may come across as narcissism. I’m not saying if that behavior is me but I’ve certainly acted like that often.

As an "NT" who also has a rare connective tissue disorder called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and an 8 year old son with the same condition as well as being on the spectrum- I can relate with so much as its been my experience, as well as many others with invisible illness. We use something called "spoon theory". You have so many spoons in any given day and for those that aren't dealing with an invisible illness let's say brushing your teeth, or taking a shower may only use 1 spoon but it could use 5 of yours. It's a way of relating how much energy you have in any given day. I often save my spoons and plan all of my errands and shopping for 1 day, and then spend the next 2 in bed. If I'm running low I can tell my husband or son, I'm almost out of spoons and vice versa so we all try to be compassionate to one another. We never plan a day out back to back and do our best to manage our energy effectively. It honestly breaks my heart to read the traumatic experiences that you've had in dealing with society/ the matrix. When I was first diagnosed it was well before social media and support groups. I would go to the doctor and be told. "Oh yes, I saw someone like you in a textbook in medical school". I felt like an oddity and a freak and was treated like such by not only the medical community but mainstream society. It was more than a decade later after spending that time completely housebound and isolated that I had my spiritual awakening. I came to understand that many of us experiencing these lifetimes are actually quite gifted as empaths with extra sensory perception. That the reason we are so depleted by certain experiences with others is that we are actually healing them with our energy. That there are ways of protecting our energy, and recouping ours. Yes, there will be times when we have to navigate a 3rd density consciousness (dualistic beliefs, normal/abnormal, typical/atypical) but we can hold a 4th dimensional frequency (compassion, inclusion, seeing ourselves in others). Times are changing and I strive each day to advocate for my son in these giant conglomerate structures that are outdated and uneducated. My son is beautiful, creative, soulful, deep and empathic. I wouldn't change him for anything! And I hope each and every one of you know that there are others out there that don't judge or wish you to be any different than the unique, individual expression of who you are. We are all eternal souls, having a temporary human experience.

I don't talk to people unless I want to or have to. This has cost me many friends. Friends that I never particularly liked anyways. So maybe I should have fewer friends?

I'm 32 and thanks to you and your videos I can begin to heal and understand myself..I have been suffering for years undiagnosed scared. Bless you 😇🙏 thanks man

No, people aren't understanding if you're tired and can't engage. Not where I come from. I guess it depends on your environment.

There is an even more painful situation, where your "friends" KNOW (because you talked about it several times before and they've known you for years) that if they invite you to a very social event where you don't know anyone, in a place you don't know, not knowing how you'll go back home or where you'll sleep, then you'll be so stressed out you won't have any pleasure coming to their event and will just stand there and hurt while they talk to their "normal" friends and family.

Something I do if I'm walking down the road and I see someone I know in the distance is to fasten my pace so that I pass by them (if they're standing at the bus stop, for instance) and give a quick hello and cheery wave as I go by. If they're walking ahead I just slow right down so that I don't catch them up and keep my eyes down or looking at the gardens so there's no eye contact if they happen to look around, lol. Or even duck down a side street. Otherwise, if I'm really exhausted, or burnt out, I can't go out anyway as I don't drive and it entails walking everywhere or catching a bus. And I never answer the phone when I'm like that either...or sometimes when I'm not, as I hate using the phone! :D

I'm in my 20s, and today I was telling my mom about how draining it is talking to people, and explaining basically what you said. She very calmly, and matter-of-factly, tells me it's because I'm borderline autistic. I'm a female, and apparently borderline autism can resemble adhd in females at a young age? So my whole family has known this whole time, but I had no idea. Why did I not realize? And I can only imagine how difficult it must be to not just be borderline. Only reason I even found this video, was because I wanted to see if it explained how I felt better than I could. It did so thank you.

Ive learned that i really enjoy and get a lot of connection from just being around small groups of people, even if im not doing much talking. I only feel stress and drained when im pushed or "encouraged" to talk. At this point, my family has accepted that I will talk and engage on my own time and with topic I'm interested in!

I just wrote this exactly as a reply to a comment but I think it could be helpful to a lot of us to remember: It is a NT assumption that everyone must be social. If you have any connection to other humans, no matter how inconsistent or superficial then you are participating in the world, don't let NT expectations be your standard if it does not suit. You are probably the most rad person you know anyway, enjoy hanging out with the awesome person that you are 💛

Even writing this comment feels like a mile run. God help me if I have to use my vocal cords.

For me, I've come up with code phrases between me and close ones like "I've run out of spoons" which means I don't have anymore energy to talk - and they completely understand. But in other cases, especially if it's a complete stranger - I tend to lie and say something like "Please don't talk to me right now, I have a headache" and that's enough of a repellant.

You help me to undrestand many repetitive situations in my life, I become sometimes really tired in conversations with others, in social situations I have been bullied many times. I'm not antisocial at all, but there are exahusting situations, and people who see you as week person and then victimize you...

Thank you for this. I have a good example from my life and not having the energy to talk, but having to. Every four weeks I have to go into hospital for an infusion with the medicine for my MS. I literally have to, or basically my life could be challenged. I then have to be in a room full of people, all talking, sick with MS which scares me so much cause I see my future, I always think, and for whom I feel so bad; and that, for two hours. People try to talk to me. Nurses also come and talk to me, about my health, and do small talk, and sometimes even to try to do spontaneous tests. It really is hell for me. Sometimes there is space in a separate room, but I never know when that will be and when I have to be in the big room. Well, last wednesday, I did not have the energy when I came in; because different really emotional things had already happened that morning (almost car accident cause partner got really sick; a doctor who was rude to me, etc.). And I simply was stuck. Could not talk to the nurses, but simply had to, abut my body and health; so I was not friendly, at all. But told her I had a bad day. She did not understand and kept talking. Well...back in the car with my partner, had a big meltdown. Which could be expected, but was terrible for both of us. And we are both recovering, I think. I apologize for this long story, but I really needed to share this. :(

This is SO relevant to my life. An example that keeps coming up is this: whenever I run out of a food item, I ride around to my parents place to see if they've some that I can borrow (they're very understanding and generous). However, the problem comes in if I realize late one night that I don't have any bread, butter etc. for tomorrow's breakfast, which means that me, being a fussy eater, will have to ride around there first thing in the morning to grab some. Because I know there's a slight chance my Dad will be there and will comment on the weather or some other such thing, I can barely bring myself to do it. It just feels forced and insincere at that hour of the morning.

Thank you for doing these. 🤔These odd creatures called humans can be draining 😏,but they exist and we need to coexist. Keep up the good work , Paul 👍👍👍

Perfect example of this: Donkey's years ago in my late teen/early 20's learning how to socialise and go on nights out drinking and trying to be "normal", was actually quite harrowing dealing with the after effects. No, it wasn't down simply a hangover - it was down to using massive amounts of psychological energy to socialise. I'd go out on a Friday and/or Saturday in pubs and nightclubs and get blind drunk, like anybody else. However, it would *literally* take me until Wednesday to recharge - and obviously due to work commitments one couldn't simply stay off for a couple of days because "Urgh, people"; so I'd go to work and just do work related stuff, and simply barely communicate at all. Then you find yourself getting hauled into the manager's office because "What's your problem? What's with your attitude?", and you're like "Why are you hauling me in over not speaking to people, I'm doing my job perfectly fine? No?". There was only the supervisor who just thought "Oh, Mark stuff - it's how he operates. Whatever, I'm here for when you snap out of it" who didn't subject me to a pointless Spanish Inquisition that wasted mine, and their time.

Wow, that person taking a taxi in order to avoid speaking to a ticket seller is so like me! How many times I've chosen the postal machine option to just avoid contact with a mailman, or catering option to avoid going to a grocery store... And how many times was I deeply ashamed of myself later because of that. Idk if you made an episode about Aspies being bullied in their own families when they were children, pushed by their parents to be 'normal' at any cost, without any kind support from them, and how it affects our adult lives (constantly feeling ashamed, inadequate, weird, not enough for society, not deserving anything good from life). Thank you for your videos and your channel, it's so eye-opening for a late-diagnosed Aspie like me. Please keep on publishing.

Thank you for putting this out there...going to the hair salon drains me so much...I don't go to nail salon or anything like that...it just drains me.

Now that I'm older, I've gotten better at controlling what my friends thought was me just being temperamental, and I can "fake it" for an entire evening, but it comes at a cost of a couple days of mental preparation, and a couple of days to recharge afterwards. I am lucky enough to have a high intellect, so many of my friends saw me as the guy to go ask for help on various topics, and that became the focus. That added to the stress, but since I like talking about topics I'm interested in, I managed. Most of them just think I'm different, and have no idea that I'm on the spectrum. I run a "Geek Group" so it's easy to blend into that culture. Except that we have physical gatherings throughout the year, and while I really like my friends in the group, it's a big strain on me to attend these events. For anyone that might experience meltdowns or times when others think you're just being grumpy, be patient with yourself. Learning to change your automatic responses can help tremendously. I used to have a preprogrammed responses to day to day events as they happened, and much of the time they weren't fair responses. They were easier to use than systematically deciding what I thought or felt in each moment, but it added undue stress to myself and others around me. Over time I have learned to be far more stable, and able to cope, but it still drains me a lot. It took until my mid thirties (2 years ago) until I understood what was happening with me, and now I have very few bad days or interactions. I still have a lot of preprogrammed responses, but they make more sense now. I guess you could say it was learning to look on the bright side of things. I try to find what's good about something, when I use to focus on the possible negative. I am by no means saying that this is the same for anyone or everyone, but it is my personal experience.

This is my world. Great advice. At least I now understand the things I do or rather the things I should but don't do, much better. I definitely need my space after an intense period of interactions... It's not just that I'm a grumpy and intolerant old bugger... It's that I fail to deliver these seemingly unnecessary little social responses into my interactions ....

Some of these dynamics are so complicated. I deal with it now, with my closest friend's (unaware of my recently diagnosed Autism). I end up keeping everyone at a range where I'm gone to often to miss, in turn I have accept the solidarity as a result not as the goal. The diagnosis is new, the knowledge of how these things are occurring is new, but the experiences are not. And unfortunately I'm not competent enough to explain how these things work given ample time, let alone while experiencing them directly. Masterful explanation, these are helping to build a skeleton of a future dialogue I hope to be able to hold with some dignity one day.

To socialize is to be encouraging, kind, patient, polite, and be a good listener.

I'm the same when it comes to trivial communication however when someone needs help I cant wait to help them and it makes me feel so much better.

Wow thank you so much. I am interacting with an aspi and our communication is very challenging lately. With your Chanel I understand this person better

Interesting point about the taxi story. For me I find buying tickets from a machine worse because I worry that if I don't know how to use the machine, I'm going to annoy the people lining up behind me.

Me: looking at your curtains and seeing faces, while you are taking. Me also: intended on listening carefully.

I really don’t care if anyone thinks I’m rude. Their unsolicited contact with me is rude.

"I should . . ." Yeah, that's one phrase I despise hearing uttered by others who try to 'help' me socializing in an acceptable way. I've beaten myself for decades with that phrase, still do. Now I'm always stressed, tired, and feeling malcontent for always harrying myself and being harried by others. People seem to be unable to understand, even if I explain it, why I'm socially awkward. Eye contact is difficult, but people tell me I should try this and that and viola one day it'll be solved. I tried different ways my whole life but it will never happen naturally without a lot of stress and feelings of defeat. At my last job, I managed to create a group of people who deeply hated me because I didn't always say hello or wave to them or that I didn't really talk to them but talked to a few others without issues. Although, when I did wave or say hello to them many ignored me. They never really cared to ask why I behaved as I did, so for ten years they had their imagined feud with me whilst I was largely oblivious to it. I knew they didn't like me but not how deeply they disliked me. At my new job, the boss and some of my coworkers tell me to phone them if there's something I need help with. This I did do at my old job and I got chewed out for it pretty badly and people at a managerial level wrote me down several times for "being a problem". They did this despite me being consistently in the right. Of course, being socially awkward and being written up I stopped phoning coworkers, causing other problems. Understandably I do not want to phone anyone at my new job, I want to solve the issues myself. One of my newest coworkers dislikes me for not phoning him for instructions (Although I've asked about many things in person and he has given me half-arsed explanations) and told me to my face that "Stop causing drama" and "you can do your own race for all I care". The "drama" he refers to was when I tried to find a coworker for instructions but he wasn't there and it was late so I didn't wish to call for help because I didn't want to disturb someone that late - and when I've called someone they seemed always to sound irritated. Then another coworker tried to show who's boss that night by questioning my "common sense" despite me telling him I did try to work the concrete, that I'm completely new, and did seek help from the factory personnel that had abandoned their posts, which is a no-no since there most be at least one available at the computer terminal. He persisted to question my common sense for a moment before leaving me. I called my boss and explained what happened, how they organized the area around the molds (It was pitch-black) and she called the company we work together with, and they called the factory to correct their methods. This was the "drama". Obviously, I do not want to call anyone even at this new job because of their inconsistent reactions. I rather listen to people, be their ear for the moment and just try to understand what they're actually communicating. But since social contact is difficult for me it stresses me out completely, which causes my hearing to suffer as people interact with me. I do not always hear what they're saying or understanding what they're communicating, I respond on what I think they communicate or want and get it wrong at times. This creates annoyance with me; the way they look at me is really painful and fuels my self-hatred and low self-esteem. When I try to explain myself they bulldoze me and tells me I'm not trying hard enough or that all I have to do is "this". When I do "this" it can happen that the same person who instructed me interrupts me in the action and asks why am I doing "this". Sometimes later, they're asking me why I didn't do "this". If it isn't the same person that instructed me that interrupts this other coworker tells me another "this", which creates conflicts with other coworkers. In short, people act as if they're my bosses and their will is the law. I'm completely confused, tired, stressed, and on my toes, because at any moment someone might walk up to me and try to boss me around. Eventually, I tell people what they want to hear, which can create a backlash later. This creates more "I shoulds", which fuels a vicious circle of self-doubt, self-hatred, and low self-esteem. I shoulds is one of the worst kinds of mental torture there is.

Every time I try to socialize I get migraines because I need to choose my words carefully.

I want close friends but the draining and painful feeling after social interactions makes it so hard..it’s a vicious cycle of being disappointed and then hiding away again..it’s made me develop severe depression

its like I understand I should interact but I don’t know how to? gives me so much anxiety

you explained all perfect ! just wish l was that good ,l struggle mostly at work l have to deal with potential clients l'm self-employed, and even though l don't earn a great deal of money l need an accountant which makes my earnings even less.l could never work for a company l tried in the past its to much demands and control over me l always end up needing days off to recover. thanks paul. Steve UK

I have a few theories about my constant exhaustion. One is that I'm 35 and approaching middle age. One is my high metabolism not letting me store fat. But the main reason is related to this video: It is so much more of an effort for me as an autistic to be a normal, responsible, social adult. To live up to NT standards. Fighting against executive dysfunction and being socially inept. Even the level of inhibition it takes to hold back impulses to say or do random things (little things like a sound, or a stim) It is extremely exhausting to appear NT so I can keep friends and family close and get practice.

Thank you for this. Explains why I feel tired when I get home. I like socializing but sometimes I just dont want to and some days I cant face leaving the house.

I went through the military with autism and it was a living hell.

Hi, late to the party on this thread but here are my experiences / thoughts. Going to work I don't want any interaction. If I see someone I know on the same train or in the street I'll pretend not to have seen them to avoid the pain of responding to 'Hi how are you, how was the weekend' etc. I know it is pleasantries and the social norm, and I know they don't really want to know how I am or what I've been up to but at that time of day I'm not geared up properly. Also, office socials are something I endured as far as possible when younger aided by alcohol (obviously) but nowadays I think 'Why bother, I won't be missed if I'm not there?' and the get ahead and make contacts boat sailed long ago leaving me on the jetty. I have luckily survived to near retirement and now I'd rather be at home than trying to engage in conversations (and a lot of people) that I have absolutely no interest in or just feel totally awkward with. I really do feel like a stranded alien trying to fit in. Like a lot of other with late diagnosis, I found out I'm on the spectrum at 59 having helped my son struggle with his condition and thinking 'This looks and feels very familiar'. The hard thing is that having a late diagnosis means little or no help. It's as if the thought from the medical / psychology side is, 'You've come this far, you have a job and your married with kids, you're doing ok, why do you need help?' I can only tell you that for me it's hard because I don't just have to think about me. I cannot be totally selfish with my time. I have to help run the family and do a lot of decision making and forward thinking for them when it's hard enough just doing it for myself! So, far more help for adults on the spectrum would really help. At the moment, it's like wanting to get out of a sealed room knowing the handle is on the other side of the door but you're expected to find a way to open it on your own with no clues 🤯. In the meantime thank heavens for the internet and channels like this. If you get to read this Paul, a huge thank you. Take care all. 🖖

When ppl talk to me my head feels like a balloon of anger and I just want to run away but can't and then the only thing I can hear are my angerd thoughts. I've masked my self long enough to catch key words from sentences to respond but most of the time their single word response or have nothing to do with the topic at hand.

I just realized what goes on when I see an argument beginning with my ex. Its the attention I can't handle when being asked pointed questions. It's been a very common spark that has ignited many a bust up! But it's taken years to see what the problem is. Phew. Done.

You’ve spoken to a person at 6am in the morning? I can’t even imagine.. I can’t either express how impressive, chocked or amazed I am.

Who else is team Friends would be cool to have but alas not enough energy?

If I had to give one advise, it's to practice a small, non-committal smile. It's socially acceptable, and people won't ask "are you okay? You looked sad/angry." It also prevents other people from getting hurt by your perceived rejection. Remember that the person you don't respond to can be suffering from low-self esteem, anxiety, or struggling with a traumatic event.

When I need to make a call, I go through all she stages of grief before that, and sometimes a migraine after. What helps me is: *stimming, doodling, humming quietly *taking a breath and focusing on the moment, on what's happening in my body right now, instead of getting caught in the story about how frustrated I am *promising myself that we'll get through it and do something satisfying afterwards

My husband has Asperger‘s. Thank you for explaining this!

If someone said to me, "I don't want to talk to you". I would be so heartbroken. I would assume it was forever, and because they didn't like me, or I had done something wrong so they were mad at me, and then I would want to know why, so I'd talk to them more to try and fix the problem which wouldn't help if there was no problem between the 2 of us. So, if you must block people from talking to you because you need non-talking time, than say that. Or say, "I need time to think or recharge". If it's too early in the morning, say "my brain isn't awake yet, so I can't talk now". Basically, make sure the person knows your need to not talk is because of you, not because of the person who wants to talk with you or you will hurt their feelings, and hurt the relationship.

I think I would have multiple examples for such kind of situations, lol. But the most present is my current work situation. I've been working in a relatively small space with many people in some kind of sheltered workshop (for ergotherapeutic reasons), hence lots of noises and social interactions. Although I'm absolutely unchallenged with the type of work I've got to do (yeah, it's kind of boring...), all the other things like the noises and the social situations are absolutely exhausting to me. I rarely have energy for any activities other than work... Fortunately, I've got only one more week and then I can recharge a bit before the next chapter begins in March. So yes, social situations can be very, very exhausting and painfull!

People think if I'm talking Loud I'm yelling at them and sometimes I'm just really excited

thanks for the video. socializing can be so draining.

The "most extroverted, outgoing, loud, energetic person" = Annoying, avoid at all costs. LOL All triggers to my senses. My Mom bought me echo buds last year. I told her about them have bose noise cancelling, beside just being earbuds. I just put them in anytime I have to walk anywhere near "people" & especially at work. If only work, would make it illegal to wear perfume/cologne, eating sounds, food smells & using bright lights/colors. It might be a little more tolerable. They pump in "white-noise" thru ceiling speakers all day long...Which is very annoying and does not work for any kind of talking/noise reduction. I don't even know why they think it could help, with anything. It's just constant static assaulting my hearing, in addition to all of the talking & eating sounds. Sometimes, I have to use both the echo buds & my over the ear noise cancelling headphones. And, I hate anything in my ears, over my ears/head & not being able to hear what is going on around me

I have NCA. Very rare and similar to autism. Please don't beat yourself going off script. I want to encourage you, because it's VERY good when you go off script! It's THOSE times that your re-living the events.. instead of 'explaining' them. I'm sitting here thinking, YES! You mentioned 'phone calls'. I'd call my mom to check on her.. she'd say, Hello? 'Hi mom, how are you. I'm alright. "Good.. OK, gotta go!" Unlike today, I had nothing to compare it to.. so, although I tried to explain it, it was always, "You don't look sick". Anyway, thanks!

Nailed it yet again. Thank you very much and all the best!

I've just started watching all your videos as i've self discovered recently. I still say you're a godsend. You've made so much sense of why i have been the way i am for the 36 years i've been on this planet. I cannot thank you enough for this enlightenment. Everything you say i relate to in one form or another. Its very apparent to me i have this without a shadow of a doubt now.

My 3 year old was diagnosed with Mild Autism a couple of months back. It was shocking and I had zero knowledge on what it is. I started to research and turns out, I am Autistic too. Now my whole life make sense. 😀

I had a job and there was a security guard who always said Hello to me when I came in. He thought he was being friendly, he had no idea how much dread and anxiety he was causing me. I had to face him ever morning, and at lunchtime, I would prepare a lunch at home if I had time to avoid him but I didn't always. I used to look with jealousy at all the other people walking past unnoticed, sometimes I would try to get in behind someone to avoid him. At another job there was a Big Issue seller I had to walk past to get into work, for a few months I managed to get past him without any interaction, but somehow he noticed me and clicked that I was avoiding any interaction, from then I got abuse every time I passed him. At the supermarket I use the self-checkouts to avoid having to stand and watch the checkout assistant doing it for me, I guess they get a bit bored sitting there all day, because they always want a word. Now they've got to know me too and sometimes I can hear them making comments or one of them will say very loudly, this checkout is free. Which of course all adds to the stress and anxiety. Sometimes I tell people I'm on the spectrum, but even then the don't really understand and they usually just forget or go back to judging you as they were before.

What a privilege to be able to not respond to socializing. That’s my entire job.

Wow, I'm exhausted and anxious just after hearing that! Thanks Paul, you're really helping me out in such a big way. Cheers✌

Socializing for everyone can be difficult, but also for everyone, practicing makes you better at it. Life is full of challenges, you don't need to go all out, you can do it little by little join a church group, book club, whatever seems interesting to you. I use to be a programmer, a highly isolated job, it made me nearly antisocial, once I realized it, I started forcing myself out of my shell, very hard but life is about struggle, you can give up when you "kick the bucket" not sooner.

When I suspect there might be back and forth interaction for a tricky situation (I.e. related to friendship and I have good evidence that person has character problem, being manipulative, ect,) I just drop it completely. Thinking about the potential back and forth engagement if I point out what happened bothered me makes me stressed out and exhausted

It is draining in the extreme and even after you say no people push - then I get really angry. I am beyond caring if anyone thinks I’m rude.

OMG thank you so much! I have been treated rudely by people who insist on getting in your face when they think something is wrong and you need to talk about it. Thank you for verbalizing why!!

I'm loving this pandemic and Instacart! so I don't have to leave the house or interact with people!. That description of taking the cab instead of interacting with the bus ticket salesperson is so many decisions I have made in my life where I just didn't have the "spoons" to deal with an unfamiliar situation.

I only talked to two people today and my brain hurts and feels like mush and I feel like crying.

Paul, thank you for helping me to better understand my son. He's nearly 30, and I had no idea what life was like for him until I started watching your videos. Thank you from both of us!

im so relieved to hear the intro to this video. i have quit my gym membership because they had a 'motivator' who kept checking in with you during your workout sessions. i found that so irritating, i eventually dreaded it more than the workout itself. but noone else seemed bothered which left me even more puzzled to why i cant be 'normal'