Why We Should Inconvenience Our Friends 

Ok professional affirmation 🥹 haha thanks!!

But what if I like the harm??

@@katakesh8566 harm is subjective we just have to consider how beneficial it is to our well-being long term. Self isolation can be beneficial for reflection but not long term.

like the whole , “cut everyone off and travel the world”

@@miti342 Traveling can be good. I've travelled alone and had good experiences, but it is risky. And it is just so much more fulfilling to go travelling with friends. The best experiences I've had travelling have been when I'm meeting up with or hanging out with a big group of people. It's also much safer too.

I am "some people".

@@sheeshneesh yikes

@@sheeshneeshtherapy.

@@sheeshneesh …

oh you ate w this

People do understand that, you just assume they don’t cause you want to feel superior. And doing hard things for fulfilment in life is completely different to being a good friend, and then expecting your friends to be good to you in return. And the vast majority know both these things, so no need for the ‘I wish people were wonderful like me’. They know. People aren’t walking around lost while you have the answers.

@@missNCW looool I honestly don't know how you drew this conclusion from what I said. Then again we're both strangers on the internet; you don't know me and I don't know you. Any commentary on society I make includes me, what I said applies to me as well. I have specific goals this year to challenge myself to do hard things and show up better for friends, so there's that. Also, I never said people don't know, I said people refuse to understand and accept which then leads to inaction and unfulfillment. I understand there's nuance to this topic but I'm not here to write a thesis in RU-vid comments. Anyways, go off sis, or bro, or bot

Yup true and we kind of know but it's so hard to actually believe it and implement it! But you're right!!

Exactly!

@@missNCW they don’t know that. Maybe you do, and that’s great but most don’t.

I did this sort of thing in my 20's and 30's, and had the same experience. In fact, they wanted me to play secretary and call people to find out who was going and then they could decide if they wanted to show up or not. Once I began getting exhausted from that, and then simply asked people to put their dirty cups in the sink, only to find out they were complaining about having to do that simple a task, I stopped hosting entirely. I had one girl call me up and ask when I was going to start hosting again. I told her I wasn't and she could host at her place if she wanted to. She replied with that didn't want to bc it was too much hassle. So I said, "good, then you understand how I feel. I'm tired of you people." Most of the people I hosted for never contacted me again after that. I learnt a lot about friendship during that time in my life. Once it stopped being convenient for them (after 6.5 years of hosting, mind you), I was nothing to them.

I want to call it something like "the dating app mindset" which is just a type of hyper "grass is greener" - There's always the potential or allure of something better than what currently exists, and we've been tricked into believing if we maintain that mindset and keep swiping, we'll find the right thing. People have taken the "Well, I'll see if I find something better first" and applied it to not only dating apps but social engagement as a whole.

💯

some people find it offensive that you’d want your friends to reply to your texts. how are you supposed to keep friends if you ignore them ?

Yeah, I don’t really brag about it but I don’t really put much effort into most of my connections. Difference with me is that I’m constantly surprised to see that I have friends at all. It’s that weird inbetween of knowing I need some amount of social interaction but also really, really disliking dealing with the complexity of it and the potential drama or frustrations that occur.

I had a friend who would continuously ignore me whenever I would invite her to something or plan something for us to do together. Not even a “no” or “I don’t know if I can” at all, just no response. That was a consistent problem with her that other people had with her as well but when I was the one to finally call her out for it, she said I was “holding her to impossible standards.” She was just a selfish person overall.

I've noticed that, too. I think it's fine if the feelings are mutual, but a lot of these people get upset if someone wants friendships with more mutual investment so they don't feel like they're in a one-sided relationship.@TeaspoonGravel-cr7fx

It really frustrates me because I'm usually the one doing all the work for these plans. Then, get canceled at the last minute with no follow-up. It makes me feel like trash, and it has caused me to want to cancel/not plan to hang at all! It is like a virus that spreads, and loneliness is addicting. I've started just trying to look for other people who do want to do things and hang out. Hard, but it hurts far less than the friendship that had loads of time and effort invested only to get emotionally smacked down time after time.

I can't stand it either. I understand if there is an emergency/extenuating circumstance, but if someone just cancels on me because "they don't feel like it", I'm canceling them from all future plans lol

It’s so fustrsting the amount of events I’ve showed up to and even faked enthusiasm (cause no one wants to invite someone out who is just gonna mope around on their phones). Just for me to be ditched last minute. I’ve dropped so many ‘friends’ in my life for treating me like such an inconvenience (I would literally just be wanting to spend time)

Friend, you are not! Cancelled plans, especially last minute cancelled plans, bugs the hell out of me, too. Like I'm busy as hell, so sometimes I only get one day out of a week to hang out with someone. So when they cancel, it's like "there goes my socializing for the week." Now you have to either race to find something else to do, or you do nothing and sink into that FOMO. Then people not even following up or trying to reschedule makes you feel like they never really wanted to hang out to begin with.

​@@AdaireKricketsI'm in the same exact position! I hope you find some folks who don't make you do all the work, Lord knows you deserve at least that

Absolutely this. Last week I agreed to go to south London even though I love far up north to meet some work friends at my new job. One girl had been working from home and was too tired to come to central. It would have been reasonable for me to say "next time." But often there isn't a next time when it comes to making new friends. I went anyway. Had a brilliant time, almost missed the last train and got home late af. It was super inconvenient. It was also great fun and I'm hoping it put me well on the way to making new friends.

some people have disorders so i don’t think it’s weird. it’s understandable.

@@atyourbesturluv.7106 people with disorders are a completely different group of people that I was not referring to.

I must be broken then because I always feel much worse afterwards. I take everything that was said by me and the other party/parties and overanalyze it to hell, and just beat myself up afterwards and regret ever even speaking to anyone. I can't just let it go. I also really hate myself and that won't be changed through my relationships with other people; it will just bring them down too and I'd rather be alone than do that to someone.

exactly I love long walks with friends and family to clear my head and leave it to God.

This sounds like a dream. I really wish this was the case in the UsA. I try to do this for friends but feel like it ends up where I am just giving, giving, and I don’t get the same effort in return. So it makes you more protective of your time.

I am satisfied with surface level friendships

It depends, as most relationships, even before the phone age, most were surface level. It's not a bad thing, but it's getting worse, which it's not good

I feel the same as you do. I'm in a shellshock being out in college away from home isolated and unable to find peers who have any depth or take any initiative in their lives, let alone to make intentional meaningful memories with others. I try to meet as many new people as I can and stay positive. But the constant hypervigilance and the aloneness does get to me. If you wanted to chat more, maybe we could talk more. Best of luck with everything!

@@sophiafigueroa2228 I've been feeling the same way since I got out of highschool (I'm 22 now) but it's refreshing to know I'm not alone in feeling this way, 'cause being antisocial seems to be the norm now and it's so hard to make friends let alone make plans with anyone

i’ve been in groups that are completely surface level before and it sucks. it’s the feeling of loneliness when surrounded by others that makes you think you’re broken. i’d rather be alone than a part of a group like that. people put so much weight on familial and romantic relationships but never think about building deeper intimacy with friends.

Sounds like you had a beautiful bond. So sad to hear that he passed 😢❤.

rip to your nephew

Whoa! I am so sorry! 😔🙏🏾💔

I’m very sorry for your loss.. God bless his soul🙏🏽

Wow very interesting perspective

"We are only worthy of relationships once we are no longer an emotional burden to one another." I fully believe this and it is why I don't seek friendships and relationships. I'm far, far, far too broken to let others in. I need to fix myself first and I just don't believe in "growing together".

I agree. For me, there’s no such thing as perfection, especially emotionally. Being imperfect is basically the definition of humanity and what it means to be human. And I want to experience life with other people. I find isolation so counterintuitive to healing anyway.

Great observation!

​@@htac22849 I think you should read Terrence Real. Relationships are what hurts us and what heals us. It's quite literally scientifically proven that we're social being that are very interdependent. Not codependent, but interdependent. I mean.. if you're trying to improve for relationships I don't understand how you can do it alone. Would you try to improve your piano skills without a piano?

That’s where I’m at right now. I live in a suburb of a big city so to go to any social events I have to drive half an hour but I’m hoping it’ll pay off soon

Incredible work, building a whole new village is so hard y’all should be proud of yourselves!!🥳🎉

I love this!! Well done for doing the work x

Thank you!! Yeah building a new community is hard & takes time but I’m learning that it’s sooo worth the effort 😊

this!! and i don't even drive. i have paid $30+ both ways via uber just to meet up with people and i don't mind at all. i've actuall made new friends and strengthened friendships!!

This!!! I remember one time in summer, I ordered a huge package full of things for my upcoming vacation, but for some reason they delivered it to a post station in the city center. Because the package was very big, I called a close friend of mine who lived 5 minutes away from the station. I just needed someone to help me carry the package to the train station, which was like 2-4 minutes away from the post office, and I promised to get pizza and boba afterwards. Well she declined, with no particular reason why. I get that you might not wanna lose 20 minutes of your day for someone else’s package, but there was no other way for me to carry that alone. It’s been almost a year since that happened, and she still calls me her bestest friend, but after this situation, I’m not that sure anymore, as I know that if I ever needed her help again, I can’t count on her ://

It's so strange for me because I'm gen z, and I used to laugh about the dramatic videos they'd show us in school (like, Look Up From Your Phone, etc) and I didn't things were this bad. But once I left school around 16, it became apparent just how antisocial people were really becoming, and how little people really cared about you when you weren't forced to be in the same building together for 6 hours a day. I'm 22 now, and been living alone since 16, struggling so bad with loneliness and isolation since those days, and it's only gotten worse. But it is given me so much relief to know I am not the only person who thinks and feels this way, since being antisocial seems to be the norm now. Most of my old friends have become introverts, some of them I rarely even see, but the extreme end of it is not even bothering to respond to text messages or answer phone calls. I have actually ended friendships with a few people for that reason. And the funny thing is, they used to always tell me how much of a great friend I was, and how much they appreciated me. Really? 'Cause maybe if you appreciated me, we could actually hang out together, or you could at least send me a text. I understand when people are busy, or financially struggling, meeting up often isn't an option. But my best friend lived right next door, and would sleep in until the afternoon then spend all day playing videogames. I feel like my generation are just throwing their lives away, and I'm doing it as well, because all the outdoor activities I want to do are just not the same when you don't have anyone else to do them with. But I guess I just commented to say, that it wasn't always like this. I'm only 22 now but I remember playing out in the streets until late on summer nights, up until the age of 14. And even at 15 I went to a youth club regularly in the city. It feels to me like it started to be this way around late 2017 / early 2018. But Covid has made things a million times worse. My introvert friends were starting to go out and have fun, but since covid some of them barely leave the house. It's really, really sad. And I hope there's a way to change things.

Times are tough people have to overwork to survive in this capitalistic society to the point they barely have time off for hobbies,family so spending my only day off doing labor for people who only call when they need favors for pizza lol doesnt seem worth it sorry lol.I'll happily help family and people whom I hear from outside of them needing me

Exactly!

Yes ! I am more happy when I'm serving others/ doing random acts of kindness for strangers verus just thinking about myself.

Exactly so much self help is perpetuated in being selfish.

​@@blessingknowseverything9609having great conversations with strangers is also great. I've had some super cool interactions with people I'll prob never see again

I’m stuck on this. My friends are quite naggy. They’re 18-19 can’t drive. I’m 17, I can. I have a job. I make money, they don’t. I want to cut them off and ultimately I think I will but I’m still conflicted on the whole deal. We aren’t on the same page, which isn’t required, but it just makes it harder. They genuinely provide no benefit to me, not even conversation or company. I am soley a benefit to them, they come to me for tasks, rides, or money. It’s ALWAYS an inconvenience. I know the answer I guess I need to vent and this video came to me, kinda triggered me.

Yep I agree

right literally all of my friends have met their partners through social gatherings and meeting new people but now that it's become the norm to cancel and rarely make plans with your friends people aren't going to social gathering anymore plus covid/lockdown has made this problem much worst

@@Genesisorgin agree completely I met my partner through mutual friends and the one before in uni If not for that I dunno how I would have found a a partner Social settings are important

On the other hand, this reminded me of an over 10-year long friendship I had given up simply because my best friend eventually stopped investing in our friendship when it comes to open communication and trust. The moment he stopped being close to me by the end of it when he built up a lot of walls and established too many boundaries, refusing to open up and explain himself out of fear that his reputation in our community might get damaged, and then hurting me because he refused to sacrifice a part of himself for my emotional needs by being vulnerable so he began treating me sarcastically and inconsiderately, I ended our friendship. He had always been at the top of my relationship priority list and I was a snappy communicator who responds to him at a whim, goes out for a hang out the moment he mentions it, and being creatively motivated people with so many similar interests we do a lot of projects together, and I was very patient with him because he was a guy who struggled being open and vulnerable due to his background and experience. But I gave up on him, and he fell so low in my priority list that other better more transcended people took over his place and I could no longer find time for him even though he continued reaching out to me like he had always done. He soon got replaced by another 10-year long friend who recently became my boyfriend, who was 10x better as a person than he ever could be.

Seems like all some people want is to "get ahead in life". Kinda sad considering we need each other to get anywhere.

Yes me too! I'd love to become that person too!

Definitely! I know i'm personally trying to make sure i am not that way, you know? Because in the past i have caught myself pointing at other people like "i can't believe they're doing this thing or that thing", but then as soon as i looked at myself i was like "wow! I'm ten times worse". Its just an ongoing life lesson that requires a ton of introspection i suppose. And GRACE :D ❤@@clau_sing_

Yeah even the Bible says love is not self seeking.

Nah 😂

Why did you want to reduce your screen time?

this is it! i deleted most of my social medias and my phone time is around 3-4 hours daily at Most and now that spring is kicking in i have so much motivation to do things that are tangible and real because the internet isnt taking up all my time

I had someone once tell me my phone was boring because I let them borrow it to text someone and only had one social media app, music/podcasts/RU-vid, and two games installed as far as entertainment goes (which personally I feel like even what I have now is a lot). I average about an hour a day on my phone and usually most of that time is playing music in the shower or while I cook. I also feel like it's considered a more dangerous/intimate thing to do to let someone borrow your phone nowadays. It's a simple favor, but phones are expensive and hold a lot of private information for people today, so just asking "Hey, can I borrow your phone for a minute?" gets a lot of people defensive. Not to mention that if you're *calling* someone through another's phone, people get so many junk calls nowadays that it's unlikely the receiver will pick up, even if they are able to.

@@jasminejacob1870tbh why would they not want to? 🤔

@@Qrr0wned someone may want to maintain their screen time because it's not harming them enough to cause them to make a change or because it'd be too much of a hassle for them to change their screen time.

I honestly also wonder if the whole inconvenience/ inconvenienced thing is related because maybe people are just projecting yk but the real question is - 'i feel like an inconvenience when I ask people things so let me not ask' or 'i feel so inconvenienced when people ask me for things so I hope they don't ask me '

yes I agree people don't want to be burden by others and now we over think everything so we don't become the burden to others. My friend had her birthday during my mock school exams (they don't go to our grades or anything just practice test but still important) and my friend didn't tell me when her birthday was I got the date wrong and never bothered to check because when I brought up plans for her birthday she never corrected me even after it had pass but then when I checked 3 days before what I thought was her birthday I had released I got the date wrong I felt so bad and guilty so called her she said it was fine because she knows how stressed I was over my exams and didn't want to inconvenience me (or our other friends) I felt bad because it wasn't an inconvenience to celebrate her birthday and I missed out on creating an imporant memory

On the issue of the fear of being a burden. I was raised in a household were being an inconvenience was just awful, you get the worst kind of response for being that way. And I was taught that it's rude to be a burden to people, i.e., don't go around asking people for help. I think that's contributed to alot of it. I mean remember feeling like my existence was a burden. So tuning into adulthood its made it difficult to be a good friend in a way. Because I know now that people value being needed. I don't have therapy and have been navigating this on my own and it's Hella hard tbh to change something this ingrained.

@trick-vixen Dude thanks!! No I actually really needed that, rather than thinking how dare I "expect" (that is, request and possibly even marginally make them think I expect) something extra of my friends, it's "how dare I take away even their option to show up for me?"

Yes! This exactly

Hmmm yes fasting is such a good practice for so many reasons. I need to start implementing it too. It's always been a difficult one for me because I DO NOT like discomfort lol!

@@AdellaAfadiAlso keep in mind, for a lot of women, fasting is not recommended so experiment with it and see how you feel. Don’t feel bad if it’s not for you.

Fasting during (most of) Lent has taught me how good it can be to give up good things like comfort (or even food) for the sake of something even better.

Yeppppp!

along with this, we also have the selfish practice that we are entitled to the immediate removal of anyone in our life at any moment. we swiftly cut-off people at our own will and push all blame onto the person regardless of the history of the relationship, hence the practice of "ghosting". just like a corporate job, your friends and relationships become your employees who can be terminated at any moment. with this in mind, it becomes difficult to really develop a sense of meaning between two individuals since either reserves the right to end the social relationship if one doesn't remain as an asset. friends and relationships become temporary and we almost narcissistically believe that we don't owe them anything. of course we still should be able to do this to those who are truly hurting us, but currently the practice of "terminating" a social relationship has far extended its range.

right on, people need to see this more

On a similar note, I'm still learning to drive and I jokingly asked a friend to give me a lift home because Uber at that time of day costed around £30. He acted very incredulous, as though I was asking something unacceptable of him. He said the fuel alone would cost more than £30 and that even if it didn't, 45 minutes of his time (12 miles each way) was worth more than £30. I figured out the fuel cost. At an overestimate, it would've been £2.90 which I would've been happy to pay and more for his time. I totally understood why he didn't want to give almost an hour of his time at like 11PM, which is why the request was a joke. But it was kind of sickening to hear how a friend saw something like this as a pure transaction and nothing else. Because I get passionate about little details, I mentioned how this didn't make sense. If it was worth more than £30 in fuel and labour then Uber would charge like £60 and necessarily pay their employees less than what their labour's worth. But the real problem was how he was viewing a (jokingly asked) favour as some offensive and unfavourable transaction.

@@CromulentEmbiggening Yeah, that’s super weird. He seems like a real peach of a friend 🙄

That’s what I have been noticing, especially online. People don’t want to text others back, to pick up a phone call or to just show up to other people and get surprised they have a hard time getting/keeping friends. Relationships are based on work, from both ends, I cannot be a one way street or else they don’t last. Just like you said, people want the benefits of friendship without actually putting any effort in.

@@abella11 I think one of the influences in this is the fact that 3rd places are disappearing for teenagers and children. It's so much harder to hang-out with friends as a teen or child because there are no more places to hang-out (or at least they are slowly disappearing), outside of school or your house. And I guess adults can't afford to host at their place like older generations; but then again, you could ask everyone to bring something along so less financial strain on the hoster.

Really good point, thank you for making it.

Oh very interesting take thank you for sharing! x

you are definitely not useless no one is useless we all have something to give. I'm sorry that you feel this way maybe try expressing to your friends how you feel. I use to be like this I would refuse help from anyone one time it was raining and my friend's mom pulled over to drive me to school with my friend I refused because I thought I was doing the polite thing by not inconviecing them now I look back and cringe because she was already going the same way to drop off my friends and she had already pulled over I did this a couple times throughout High school but now I release when people go out of their way to help you , you let them that's the nice thing to do and makes everyone happier. Try telling your friends it makes you feel better to help them.

You should honestly tell them, if they’re decent people they will understand. One of my friends explained to me why it hurts when she wants to do something for me and I don’t let her. Now I’m more receiving and our friendship is richer 😊

@@juanis8219I don’t understand this, but I’m open to it. Generally, I don’t ask or want things from friends. Like I literally never feel like I want people to give me things, so when it’s offered most times I don’t want/need it (I’ll take some brownies though lol) so I say no because then it could be given elsewhere to someone who does need it. I’ve had people get upset because I don’t accept help but I never need it. Then I get upset because it feels manipulative. Like what is it that YOU want from me that you get upset that I’m ok for the most part.

Aww I love this take!

I’m scared of being overly helpful because of not realizing when someone is a user in the past. i’ve been in situations where I’ve had people size me up in a way asking things like how much does your laptop cost and how much did it cost for you to buy your place and it just felt very intrusive.

Lol trueeee it shouldn't even be considered an inconvenience tbh

Right?? My logic is if your friends are inconvenient to you then maybe you all shouldn't be friends. Since when is having friends a burden, not a blessing?

Exactlyyyy both can happen at the same time. Just gotta use wisdom and discernment to know when

Imma tweet this 🔥

Yeah, i miss that so much. I miss family friends randomly calling around for a cup of tea, and telling you all the neighbourhood biz. To be honest, I miss the ring of the doorbell or the rap of the letterbox, it's just so quiet now. Now I'm an adult with a place of my own, but nobody ever calls round for tea. It's not what I expected the future to be.

True

i totally get your point and i've been through, let's say a few mishaps. my way of dealing with this and seeing how much and to who you can give, is to actually give bit by bit and see how much is given back. what is given back doesn't have to the tangible, it can be their time or gratitude. the point is, see if there's any reciprocation and proactiveness in their giving to you. but from personnal experience, a lot of people don't even realise how much they hurt others because they take their presence in their life as granted. in fact, they see the "low maintainance" friendships online and instead understand "low investment/effort" and then wonder why it doesn't work. maintainance and effort are two different things, but they may not even understand the issue until being explained directly. so while you're not wrong at the end, i do think some people are just selfish, expect people to almost serve them and to be always forgiven if they just say sorry with a sad face, just to repeat the same mistake again.

Thank you so much! I have in fact considered both and I'm currently brainstorming both 🥰

they're missing out on the hanging out & jamming to the music in the car moments lol it's such an exciting moment to spot your friend in the crowd and show how much you care, but oh well.

I don't know, I've been inconveniencing myself for a long time and things just got worse and worse. I didn't get stronger, I didn't feel more capable or fulfilled, I just felt destroyed.

@@MorganHyde-ie5ru I’m sorry and I understand you, completely valid. I’ve felt this way in the past (and still do tbh). There were many times where I was defeated, taken advantage of, and put myself at an inconvenience and things just got progressively worse lmao. Though, if it weren’t for those times, I wouldn’t have been able to recognize my worth or grow as an individual who can now see what they so truly deserve. It felt brutal at the moment but now looking back, I appreciate the inconvenience. I may not have gotten the outcome I wanted, or “result” or “return” for that matter, but the built up inconveniences gave me wake up calls on my actions and that I should protect myself and energy more. I hope things get better for you bud.🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾❤️

@@MorganHyde-ie5ru I’m sorry and I understand you, as it is completely valid. I’ve felt this way in the past (and still do tbh). There were many times where I was defeated, taken advantage of, and put myself at an inconvenience and things just got progressively worse lmao. Though, if it weren’t for those times, I wouldn’t have been able to recognize my worth or grow as an individual who can now see what they so truly deserve. It felt brutal in the moment but now looking back, I appreciate the inconvenience. I may not have gotten the outcome I wanted, or “result” or “return” for that matter, but the built up inconveniences gave me wake up calls on my actions and that I should protect myself and energy more. I hope things get better for you bud.🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾❤️

I think this is a really interesting take!

For me, it's neoliberal capitalism that has made us commodities and monetise every single facet of our existence. You no longer chill at home, you post it on IG for the likes. You no longer go for a walk, you post about how you're getting fit, and then try to get sponsorships on your new trainers. Nothing can just BE because we're trying to optimise everything. We live more in the future, the what if, the how can I turn this to my advantage, than we do in the present. It's mentally and spiritually exhausting.

I totally agree. The age of convenience has evolved so much and once people get a taste of it, we begin to get used to it and it slowly becomes the norm

As a Kenyan, can confirm lol

Damn this should have been in my title haha

Yep!

Hmm good point

Thank youuu

Haha that's fair and tbh there's no right or wrong answer to that question. It's just the idea that even asking your friend to pick you up is you being out of line lol!