People Pleasers and why we’re Selfish 

Who dis spike lee lookin lady?

For me, people pleasing is a trauma response. I was always so terrified to say no or disagree

“When you can feel other people’s emotions, it can be extremely difficult to be intentionally unkind without feeling heavy. It will literally eat you alive.” THISSSSSSS! Someone that understands 🥹

As a recovering people pleaser, I actually do stand up for myself, but I'm soft with my delivery. Thinking that they'll understand that what they did hurt me. Just no one listens when I'm nice, so they repeat the behavior and then I have to turn into a bitxh to be heard. So then resentment is built cause its was always going to be a losing game.

I lost a friend, in part, because of people pleasing. I let a lot of things slide & that grew into resentment on my end, passive agressive remarks and eventually the end of this relationship. Im glad it's over tho, I feel lighter now since this person's demeaning remarks would often make me question my confidence/character. But I can't help but think that this relationship could've been over with way sooner if I addressed it sooner too. It's though for me but people pleasing OUT, I finally realized that the peace I'm seeking for is sometimes hidden in confrontation!!

I think the kicker with people pleasing is that it's kindness if you give to another with no expectation of getting something back purely because you want to do so. It becomes toxic and leads to idolatry when you give to another with the unvoiced expectation that the receiver will then like you, love you and/or treat you well. It's a covert contract because there's never an honest discussion about what you actually want. This leads to passive-aggression, resentment and latent explosive arguments based on unvoiced and unmet expectations and needs. My therapist told me that by keeping my mouth shut I don't give those who love me an opportunity to meet my needs which is unfair to them and me. Ask yourself why you don't think the people in your life will do right by you. Is it truly them or is it you?

I had to get away from the idea that "if i just do everything right, everyone will like me." I think this is partially a trauma response, but it's also completely fake... and it doesn't work. Some people will dislike you no matter what you do - and you have to be ok with that. You can't force everyone to be your friend. Bending over backwards to make people like you will destroy you. And it will fail. That's what I've learned about people pleasing and I'm still trying to put it in practice consistently. Its a process for sure.

i was in a situationship with a really really intense people pleaser, and it was hell. because she would act like she liked the people she actually hated, it was very hard for me to figure out whether i even mattered to her, and it was terrible. like you said, it is extremely selfish to withhold the truth from the people you're supposed to care about. any time i asked her whether i did anything wrong or what i could change, she'd always say i never did anything wrong and carried that narrative throughout the entire relationship. however when it ended, she was all of a sudden bitching about me to people about things she'd never told me. it sucked that she hated me for things that i was never given a chance to fix or even know about, and it was extremely, extremely selfish. i'm not saying all of this to make people pleasers feel worse, i just wanted to shed light on the other side, where hopefully they can see the damage it causes to other people

People demonize people pleasing a lot. There are some good traits to it like how you mentioned just that one needs to draw the lines between genuinely trying to help someone and sacrificing your own mental health.

Calling people out and disagreeing is so terrifying 😭 Gonna start watching this video once a month as a reminder. As an affirmation.

So me. I was even told by someone (who's now distant) thought that I was "agreeable" and "wouldn't be argumentive", when I defended myself after my character was challenged by this person. I'm working on not being walked over and asserting my adverse opinions, so I think letting them know I didn't like something and that it took a lot for me to say it, is a good start. Thanks for this 😊

not even 2 mins in and I relate. It took until my early 30s to realize/accept I was a people pleaser because I thought people pleasers wanted everyone to like them. I didn't really care if you LIKED me... I just cared that I never ever ever disappointed or upset anyone else. But yeah at the end of the day you can't control people's emotions. just act in a way authentic to you and your values and accept what happens (easier said than done but therapy has helped a ton!)

Unfortunately I’ve never known a people pleaser who could be completely trusted. I want to know what someone’s actual position is and genuine feelings are, I feel like people pleasing and deceit go hand in hand

For me I tend to feel guilty about not doing things for everyone all the time. I overthink everything from me not saying something a week ago in a certain way to someone or me not calling an aunty even though I am drained and have my reasons. I live in a deep constant shame about myself and the way I live just because im not making everyone happy and view me as a nice person all the time and I guess that comes from the trauma of being punished for having boundaries as a child. But I need to understand that me being punished was wrong and that my life and wellbeing is not going to be threatened if I stick up for myself in the same way as when I was a child. It’s hard to teach the nervous system that you are safe now, especially after enduring narcissistic or otherwise abuse from a parents.

I'm a recovering people pleaser and I've found it helpful to question myself before decisions "am I doing this because I want to or because I'm trying to people please"

I just had this conversation with my therapist this week where she was calling me out for using my compassion for others as a way to gaslight myself. Using it as excuse to not stand up for myself or shame myself for expressing my anger to others who hurt me because I don't want to hurt them. And I responded to her and said "yea but everyone's feelings are important, mine are important and others are just as important." She said " yes and you defending and expressing yourself is enforcing that very belief." I was like god damn bars, you did not need to come for me like this😭 but i needed to hear that

I definitely have some people pleasing tendencies, but I’ve come to realize how much I haaaaate passive aggressiveness and that I’d rather hear the truth outright pretty much 100% of the time, and it makes necessary conflict less scary, because I see it as a service to myself and others to not subject them to passive aggression.

Like ppl need to respect others wants/desires/needs.. It leads to ppl pleasing. Ppl don’t feel safe to be themselves when others bark at them about how they are wrong for their choice or feelings on a certain subject or issue. Everyone isn’t right. You shouldn’t bully ppl into agreeing with you.

I’ve long since moved past my people-pleasing, but unfortunately as a result of longterm trauma, I spiraled to the opposite end where I lashed out or could be unnecessarily hostile. I’ve thankfully found a healthy balance with a lot of therapy and introspection, but I still have my moments

THANK YOU FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT. It’s not all bad to make other people feel good. Believe it or not we all do it regardless. There’s nothing inherently wrong with putting a person before yourself. I’m not a people pleaser I’m more of a conflicter.

Currently working on my people pleasing. I've realized that a lot of times I present myself as agreeable as possible, and it leads to me not having as many close friends since THEY have to be the ones to make the effort and get to know ME for real. Also I'm an introvert anyway, and staying quiet and being nice is like a slow drain where standing up for myself is a big sudden drain. If I get better at being assertive and open about myself, it'll not only help me make real bonds, but also make socializing less tiring.

I’ve never related so hard to something. The biggest issue I have is not knowing how I actually feel about something. It’s so easy to see things from both sides that I hardly ever know what my opinion towards a certain topic is

Unfortunately through my own experience being a people pleaser, I’ve come to realize people pleasing is typically rooted in dependence, often times for approval and or for financial security. As a result we please our parents friends or partners in hopes that they will continue to accommodate us and make our lives easier and the worst part is in all honesty we may not like these people at all but instead r using them and just pretending to be interested in pleasing them. The antidote is obviously to grow up and become independent, and to become self assured so u don’t seek assurance from others become financially independent so u don’t pander to others for care and all of this will allow u the flexibility to be more authentic which will bring u more confidence and more authentic relationships because u r sure of your self, finacially secure, self reliant and capable ultimately of surviving alone. And it is when we are capable of being alone that we can truly value sharing our space because we no longer just make ourselves available to just anyone because we NEED them but because we WANT them in our lives. NEED based relationships are often toxic because dependent people are difficult to love

People pleasers are hard to have as close friends because ive had moments where they had built up resentment towards me and i didnt realize that this was a problem/ an issue until they blew up. After I'd apologized i realized that i felt like i had to be extra careful with my words and actions because they could be upset at me on the inside but not show it, and that is really hard to grasp. I have to start overthinking my actions and be watchful of their emotions rather than just trusting that they will tell me when I've done something to hurt them.

Sent this to my girlfriend because being a people pleaser has left her with a lot of unresolved internal conflict that has grown into anxiety, along with issues concerning self-doubts... I can see the problems you describe within her, and I don't want that anymore. Thank you for this video

Everything you said is so trueee. It’s so hard to have deep relationships when you don’t call ppl out. The friendships can feel surface level cuz you can’t really express how you feel. I feel like this with a lot of my friends. Like sometimes it’s good to argue, the friendship grows from those arguments and you become closer. If u always wanna keep the peace then it gives acquaintances not actual friends.

I think I float between people pleasing and not pleasing. I tend to find certain groups of people influence how I'll behave around them especially in the beginning but after a while I kinda peel back and state that I don't often agree with them. Eventually because I start to feel resentment towards their attitude is when I start to speak up 😂😂

just cut off a best friend of 7 years partly due to their people pleasing antics (there were many other reasons) however they would proudly announce that they’re a “doormat” which led them to play neutral with my enemies in a triangular way. it felt like ultimate betrayal. they were so afraid of people’s perception of them that they purposefully stayed close to people who really REALLY hurt me. it’s unfortunate fr :/

I realised a few months ago through therapy that I am a people pleaser, I just view myself as this bossy, narcissistic person any time I even consider asking people to change their behavior, like why should they change for me? Do they think that I think I'm better than them? It's just spirals like that and I end up getting annoyed about stuff in secret! I've got a long journey ahead of me for sure

In people pleasing you avoid real, actual connections. How can somebody even get to know you if you're always lying and pretending?

I'm someone who tends to be really forgiving and empathetical of others but extremely critical and pessimistic about myself, I think in that regard I'm a people pleaser lmao. It's just hard letting my barriers down and let myself truly be loved, when I've lacked affection for a big part of my life. I'm trying to be more honest about myself when I talk to others and trying to really be myself when I can

So true. Society often drills us down when we don’t conform to social norms. For me growing up with abusive family members made me become a people pleaser, because I was afraid of retaliation. But deep down it enraged me to feel forced to go with what others want, even when it’s not what I want. And that if I dared to go along with what I wanted, I was the one who was “selfish.” People who march to the beat of their own drum is threatening to an oppressive world. And seeing other people pleasers beside myself who were performing “goodness” when really they had something they want from you didn’t sit right with me. So I decided, damn if I do and damn if I don’t, I will start pissing everyone off instead! Why should I think about people’s feelings and spare their feelings all the time? What a crazy, stupid burden to be carrying around instead. Everyone’s responsible for their own feelings, especially if they’re an adult. (Obviously this rule doesn’t apply to children) Humans’ nature is to judge, even when you are doing your best. I could probably write pages and pages about this, but I’ll spare y’all…

Another problem is that we keep people who shouldn't be in our lives in them because we wanna be liked by everyone😭

I’ve found that my worst experiences with people pleasers are always the ones where I can tell (I’m super good at picking up on moods/vibes) that the person is upset or bothered by something, and I can generally tell it’s related to me personally, but when I ask or push for the info they act like nothing is wrong. That genuinely pisses me off now :’) But it also usually turns into me hearing they have been talking shit about me behind my back because I didn’t wash that one dish, or I made them feel like they were a bad person for watching something I dislike. Like damn girl, that’s WHY I ASKED. I’m a pretty open, accepting, and tenacious person, but I cannot be bothered to spend time with ppl who can’t spill the beans when something I did/said bothered them. So to all y’all people pleasers, when someone genuinely asks for your opinion or asks what’s wrong, PLEASE be honest. It’s just so much worse when you keep it to yourself and it turns into relationship trauma or gossip :/

This video truly spoke to my current situation. I am reading a book called 'Set Boundaries, Find Peace' that speaks on verbalizing my boundaries, which is really hard for me as a people pleaser. Excited to come back to read the comments on how to be less conflict-avoidant.

Wow, it takes a lot of prayer, reflection, and self awareness to get to the point you’re at. I was in the same place as you are a few years ago and two things you said really stood out. 1. You really are robbing people of having depth in your relationship with them if you’re always wearing a “please like me” mask and are afraid of conflict. That’s just not fair to them to have them thinking you’re so close but they hardly even know the real you. 2. Resentment definitely builds up to where you can’t stand people anymore. I’m sure my husband got so tired of hearing me vent to him about family and friends instead of having healthy conversations with them to try to work through things. Thanks so much for sharing this because it will help a lot of people. ❤

I think I've overcome the bad things of people pleasing. I remember filling my entire soul with resentment because I didn't want to hurt anyone in any way, It lead me to say nasty things, and more importantly, stop enjoying my time with people whom I love. I've worked a lot on that, and found my own worth when finally I could accept that i was enough on my own. I thought there existed a binary of "I can't do things on my own, so I need to depend others" or "I can do everything on my own, I don't depend on anyone." My own answer was "I can do most things on my own, but i choose to do it with company because it brings me happiness." And since I realized that, I've been learning my own worth, putting my own limits, and speaking my thruth, which, to my happines, is a truth in which I deeply desire for happines of everyone. It makes me happy to see them happy, and I feel pain whenever i see someone struggling. Seeing homeless people is something that still troubles me, but, I don't think it's wrong that it troubles me, for I know how to manage myself, and without that feel i'll never have this inner passion for making a better world one smile at a time with those that are within my reach. To whomever read all this, thank you! I wish you a great day, and a great journey.

I actually drove to a restaurant I had eaten to 2 weeks ago because I had realized I tipped a waitress poorly and wanted to go back a give her a bigger tip because everytime I went to bed I kept thinking about her. Finally got some sleep where she didn't wander into my thoughts.

Definitely a recovering people pleaser and still in recovery. It feels so hard and what is difficult for me right now is the now having to deal with the resentment I've built up over the years from not addressing things. And the guilt and shame I feel on top of that whilst trying to navigate like "Do I let this go now?" or "I know its been years, but do I bring this up now?".

"The slightest bit of conflict feels like WorldStar." 😂 That's righttt! Love your presence, it's the first video of yours that I have seen, but won't be my last. Thanks!

I grew up thinking I was never afraid of confrontation bc I would speak up if my friends did something that bothered me but since getting in a relationship I’ve realized that I am a major people pleaser to the point where I will simply go along with whatever my gf wants to do and I don’t speak up when she does something that bothers me. I have recently had a talk with her about this but had a hard time articulating myself. I wish I saw this video sooner bc this was exactly the behavior I was trying to explain to her!

the part about harboring resentment is so real.. there are too many times I wish I had spoken up in the past. I can only look forward to the future now knowing that I shouldn’t always have to be agreeable in order for the people in my life to love me.

I'm definitely a people pleaser and the way you described yourself is very close to how I would describe myself: observant, trying to get on people's good side, avoiding conflict. It's something I'm working on breaking. I'm trying to speak my mind when something isn't to my liking and advocating for myself. It's such a hard habit to break and I try to be kind to myself by saying, it's such an out of shape muscle, it'll take time to be good at it.

You said it right: as long as we don't compromise ourselves. I feel like that's the downfall of all people pleasers at some point. We care so much about not offending, hurting, disappointing, letting others down that we forget that we are humans too. When my therapist told me I was a people pleaser I was a bit offended but she was right and at that time I was in such bad shape because I couldn't see how I was going to show up for some people. Mind you I was losing sleep over someone else's problem while that person was sleeping peacefully.😂 I'm so glad that I am recovering now. I allow myself to be happy more often and I don't take everything on my back anymore. I can't save the world and that's ok . It doesn't make me less of a decent human being. 😊

Girl! I’m definitely on this table! 😫I even had to get a book called “The Art of Saying No” by Damon Zahariades. It really was an eye opener! and I can really relate to the reading of peoples comments first thing😂 then afterwards I’m like oh wait, what do I actually think about this?

I decided to stop people pleasing specifically after coming out. I realized I was doing certain things (even some things I love) to cover up the fact that I’m just bi and I wanted people to still care about me. Then I realized that I didn’t need anyone to care about me because I cared about me. That’s made me a kinder person in general because I didn’t have to be nice for survival. I just can be nice.

I didn't know I was a people pleaser until the "avoiding conflict" part. I don't really care if people like me or not, it's just too much of a burden to me if I get into an argument with someone. In my head, I am too busy with my own thoughts, insecurities, interests, and living my own life to add this stress on me, so do I really have to get into an argument for its sake? I also tend to dwell on things and repeat encounters in my head over and over again even after the conflict is over, wondering if I could've said something wittier, remembering points I should've said then but can't now, could I have been more eloquent?? Etc etc. Sigh... it's just too stressful. Here is one thing I've noticed. Since I'm not use to disagreeing with people, I find myself just nodding along to a person as they speak, just saying "oh yeah" "right" "oh really?" as they say their piece. Then upon reflection WAY LATER, I'll realize that I disagree with what they said, or even flat out hate it. People don't usually appear inflammatory while you're talking. Usually, they frame it as something quirky or funny. Since I am conflict-averse, I don't even pick up on it until some time has passed. I'd be washing dishes weeks later and then I'll remember the conversation and think "Hey wait a minute, what that person said was sort of racist, huh?" Ugh. Just the thought of bringing it up with them is elevating my stress levels. Like, babe, I have work to do. I have people to take care of. Do I really have to reach out to someone I don't talk to regularly to bring up this one time they were rude to me? I don't think it's worth it. On the other hand, you're right, my closest friends are the ones that I have disagreed with before. We don't go into shouting matches or what, but there were "discussions" where both parties try to explain their side to each other. With mutual effort to understand the other side, the argument becomes a place of understanding and growth. I suppose if there's anything I'm taking away from this video, it's this: In my opinion, I'll be picking my battles. I'm not stirring conflict with a person I don't think is worth keeping around. Cos I don't see the point otherwise?

Firstly, identity theft is a crime, lol This is me exactly, I use to think I was a really easygoing person, but in actuality , its just that I hate any kind of conflict and I will stretch myself thin to avoid it. I really also resonated with you saying you find it hard to know how you feel all the time. I know with me its a result of pushing my emotions and needs down in order to accommodate someone else. I can do it so much I feel like I lose myself and don't even recognize who I am. I'm trying to be more mindful of it lately but it's a hard habit to break, I like my peace of mind lol. Glad your video popped up, it helps seeing others on their journey and talk about their emotions

This video was great, thank you! I didn't realise I was constantly avoiding conflict until I met my fiance - he doesn't let things lie and it showed me the differences between my relationship with others and him. And I'm working on it now because I can see how being honest, even when uncomfortable, leads to these deeper, incredible relationships.

was a people pleaser and in a relationship with someone, we pretty much had a bad falling out because i wanted to stop doing that for my own sake, and they took it as a personal attack, whilst still resenting me for the sacrifices she made. it makes no sense but most people pleasers ive met resent people for things they choose to do themselves, but simtaneously get angry at people who wont make the same sacirfices

Ah this couldn't have come at a better time. As a fellow recovering people pleaser, I need to work with the hurt and anger from being strongly discouraged to confront difficult behavior from family members. I carry that with me, that it's better to pretend things are fine than to openly express disappointment or anger. It's also difficult to engage in conflict, because I can really see where they (my family) are coming from, but yet the consequences of their actions sometimes really hurt those around them (me) and not being able to communicate and talk about it really hurts!

clicked on this video because i agree with it wholeheartedly. people pleasing at its worst is not about being kind to other people for the sake of it. it's about expecting them to treat you well. "oh, since i think about others sooo much, then that means they are obligated to treat me well too." my parents are both like this (we are Chinese after all) and my dad especially would get upset with random strangers for not doing what he wants just because he goes out of his way for them. also, the lack of meaningful relationships--oh yeah. keeping everyone at arm's length. "it robs other people of the chance to love you fully." goddamn. well-said.

Oh this timing is scary. I'm sat and I'm listening ☕

People Pleasing And Why It’s Selfish. I don’t love the labelling of people, rather than the labeling of behaviour, but I get your point. Knowing that people pleasing is a pattern that develops as an adaptation to receiving a lot of criticism or outright abuse while still learning how to be a little person, it’s not helpful to demonize people who suffer from this pattern. I say this in response to a lot of other comments talking about how untrustworthy people pleasers are… come on, the pattern comes from a wounded place, and no matter how much it is motivated by a “give to get” mentality, there are many people who have reinforced the pattern by exploiting the tendency.

I wanted to contribute from the other side of things, as someone who's in a relationship with a people-pleaser, that it's a bit of an ugly thing to love someone for their kindness and then to realize that their people pleasing behavior originates from a self-motivated yearning for approval and social standing! and the part where you said "this occurs at your own expense," as the partner of someone like this, you become a "part of them" and they'd be willing to please people at YOUR expense as well. it's crazy

Yes! Love this video! 🙋🏾‍♀️Recovering people pleaser here! Currently in a season of learning to tell people no and also trying to remind myself that conflict is healthy and actually pretty normal. Just a whole lot of rewiring going on in my brain 😂

I'm a massive people pleaser (in recovery, but I've only recently started trying to address the problem), and being a people pleaser is what ultimately destroyed my last relationship. It was definitely going to end at some point anyway (he wanted kids and I don't, for example), and in all honesty it probably should have ended sooner, but because I kept ignoring small things for the sake of "being a good girlfriend" and not wanting to nag him about stuff, it ultimately lead to a point where I pretty much completely blindsided him with the breakup because I just didn't love him anymore but I'd been putting on the act for so long that he didn't even notice I wasn't happy. So I definitely know I need to stop being as much of a people pleaser before I get in another relationship

as a people pleaser in my experience I’ve found it really difficult to be completely honest about my feelings and my disagreement with friends’ behavior. that has made it hard to maintain long term friendships for me and having genuine close friendships where I can be open and true with them. and i definitely feel that resentment sometimes after being friends with people for a while and I never understood that until recently that it was my own doing! thank you for making this video and sharing your experience it was really validating for me to hear your struggles because they are definitely relatable for me

While trying to recover from peopld pleasing I get confused at times and doubt myself. I agree with a lot of things my peers say not because of people pleasing but because I actually agree with it. And then I start doubting myself like 'I didnt disagree the whole day... Is something going wrong." Then I realized it's just putting my true thoughts out there and just being true about what I think.

I think with me, I used to have people always tell me I complained too much when I was honestly just speaking up about things that bothered me. It brought me to start HEAVILY people pleasing and being agreeable and being afraid of rocking the boat. But now I am trying to shake the hell out that table, if im complaining, maybe youre just avoiding conflict! :D

Appreciate this video so much. I'm not sure if I'm a people pleaser but my mum and sister definitely are so hearing this helps me understand them more, thank you. I try to be a people pleaser tbh and was a lot more passive when I was younger, but I'm autistic (only recently diagnosed) and have a strong sense of right and wrong (not in a punishing way but in a "standing up for the oppressed" way) so feel the need to call people out/in a lot. I really identify also with what you said about having such strong empathy and understanding for why people have the views/misinformation etc. that they do, so I always try to be kind and show them I get it, but I always seem to rub people the wrong way. People hate being told they're wrong and get so defensive and it's only really fellow neurodivergent friends who have valued our friendship enough to listen to me and welcome critique, as I do in return. We usually have to allow for some time initially for us to feel defensive but we can apologise if we reacted badly and repair the relationship. Not enough people know this is possible, even necessary, for true, deep friendship, as you said. I'm still figuring stuff out, as it's hard to know how much is me and how much is others at fault when conflict can't be resolved. I've spent my whole life being told I'm too sensitive and need to change, so being told I'm autistic has helped me understand myself more and realise my difference in communicating is not necessarily something to be changed but navigated with the help of those who understand.

this was really helpful! so many people express this idea and relate it to childhood trauma and talk about needing to reject it completely, how it’s not serving you, it’s toxic, without acknowledging that it’s a part of me you’re asking me to reject. there’s a healthy way to use these skills, there’s a reason it makes people feel good, it just takes time patience and effort to be at a healthy balance and doing things for the right reasons.

Thank you sm for this video - I totally resonate with the part where you described "setting boundaries/ making demands" to be so explosively provocative as if giving someone else a massive slap on their face! In my case I would describe it as dropping a massive bomb and potentially destroying any semblance of "peace" I have with the other person in question. As someone who has just started her recovery journey from chronic people-pleasing/fear of abandonment complex, I would say that critical moments of communication with others in times of necessity (e.g. me having to seriously discuss some boundaries with a friend/acquaintance) would become exponentially intimidating - particularly in the way I identify recurring emotions in myself such as fear and anxiety and thus experience them so much more strongly than before. The sense of discomfort from having made such identification results in my stuttering as well as my haywire thought processes, making verbal articulation a very difficult thing to manage whenever I have to instantly respond to the other person! Another thing I struggle with - given my rudimentary stage of understanding the psychology behind people-pleasing - is the contrasting idea of "giving grace to others/ being the bigger person" to other people. There are some awkward moments in which I identify small signs of "violation", e.g. a broccoli in a fridge that I have bought getting wrongly taken and used (mistakenly, as I kindly reason) by my housemate who, also had previously got broccoli in their groceries (their broccoli was for some reason originally smaller and slightly rotten compared to mine). My instant reaction to this would be me wanting to point out to them, "You've used the wrong broccoli! That was mine!", but then immediately I would also judge myself for being ridiculously petty if I had actually raised this up to them. Cuz after all, it is just a broccoli which technically doesn't cost a lot anyway - even if what's left for me in the end is the rotten broccoli that supposedly belongs to my housemate instead. Having said this, my hypersensitivity and hyper-vigilance in detecting moments as such which I perceive to be a chance to practise "speaking up", create nonetheless a gruelling "fight or flight response" in me, and together with the initial hesitation I feel in myself, such extreme discomfort is frankly gruelling and intolerable. It is similar to the state in which people find themselves during the early stages of "healing", where one would subjectively find their perception of everything being more triggering tenfold, which in turn makes them feel like they're "backsliding" into their former trauma instead of making any solid "rehabilitative" progress at all. I guess in a way this echoes with what you said in the end, "What do I myself think about this? Or how should I think and judge in regards to this situation? Am I okay with myself being "nitpicky" over a broccoli that I must "confront" the person in question and put them at the spot for clarification?" A lot of times when I ask myself these introspective questions, I realise that I really don't have an answer at all. I can't seem to make a judgement, or answer to myself so that I can come to a certain conclusion and find clarity in things. The conflation of "giving grace/be a bigger person" and "people pleasing" could be really tricky to tackle at times! I would appreciate it if anyone could offer me advice upon such matter!

Only 3 mins in but for me, I always thought I’m just chill doing whatever w/ ppl…until my 20’s and realised all the times I didn’t allow myself to consider if I’d prefer something else or what my boundaries were because being “chill” meant peace and no conflict - leading to no clear sense of what my boundaries were and realising how many times it set me up to be taken advantage of 🙃. Once I heard someone say people pleasing was a form of manipulation because whether aware or not, you’re purposely behaving in a way you perceive as the least threatening to others for your sense of safety to be fulfilled, it triggered me but also gave me the clarity needed to start being less scared of being authentic. Even if it meant I’d be put in a position to defend myself.

I think one of the hardest things in life is to give feedback/set boundaries in a way that hits the sweet spot between vulnerability (being open on how your feelings are affected), authenticity (telling the whole truth), boundaries (being clear on what you like/dislike or won't tolerate) while maintaining a tone of appreciation (either because you actually care for that person or as a gesture of basic human decency in the case of people you do not know that well). That's why it is easier to overdo it, and either be too soft, too half-hearted or too harsh about it. If you have a hard time doing this (as I do) it requires great presence of mind in the beginning and might not necesaarily 100% come across as intended. I do think it is well worth the effort, however. And even if your delivery is somewhat awkward or wooden due to lack of peactice, I believe most people will appreciate it if you make it obvious that you are giving the feedback out of a spirit of appreciation rather than resentment or spite.

All my life I have been a people pleaser. It has gotten me where I want to be but I had to learn what is enough for me. Being Christian but also a young woman trying to do things right but wanting to enjoy my life fully. I’m constantly trying to find the balance in between all the things. So I feel it’s driving me towards wanting to help others find their balance too. We really all out here surviving in our own ways. Give and receive grace.

I’m currently dealing with a toxic people pleaser who doesn’t tell me when something bothers them, and instead goes and complains about me to 20 of our friends. My friends then start to like me less because everyone loves them. I’m trying to understand them and their behavior and so I am starting here.

The way that you literally read me as a book is terrifying. I like to say that I’m a recovering people pleaser but in the 2 years I’ve tried to improve myself, I’ve only gotten to being able to tell people no. I’m glad you are putting out videos like this that are truly helping people like me realize we aren’t alone and our flaws that we may not even notice ourselves.❤

"recovering people pleaser" is such a funny phrase. Yeah I recovered and now I go out of my way to piss people off.

I have crippling social anxiety which goes very hand in hand with people pleasing. You did such a beautiful job explaining this!

This makes me sad because the whole comment section is people who recognize this is a toxic trait. Im happy they realized this, but im 31 and im just now realizing this. Thank you for this video, i have a lot of things put into perspective now and while it hurts, its a step in the right direction.

My best friend is a chronic people pleaser. It makes it so hard to know if certain things she says are true or not. This is a little silly, but I remember a few months ago there was this movie character I was obsessed with. I would send her a bunch of videos and edits of that character and she would always agree with what I said. She later mentioned that she never actually liked that character. Of course it wasn’t anything big, but it still showed me that she can’t state her own opinion and that bothers me a lot.

This was such a wonderful balanced perspective! I have a couple of friends who are severe people pleasers to the point it can be hard to get close to them, and I'm trying to understand their point of view. Your perspective on the inner peace and conflict avoidance thing was a real lightbulb moment for me. I've learned from one friend that things that don't even register to me as an argument (stuff like discussion opinions on a movie) can feel like conflict to them, making them upset and me baffled as to what went wrong (until they explained this to me). I come from a family who argues long and loud about anything and everything just for fun, with no personal feelings about it at all, so maybe some it is just built-up immunity? However, I did used to be a people-pleaser towards anyone I perceived as having expertise I did not (doctors, professors, bosses, etc.) To some degree this is absolutely reasonable, but it was to a point I was allowing myself to be treated like garbage because I believed they must always be correct. I started recovering from this when I made the simple realization that all those people are fallible and are wrong sometimes- as you said, not idolizing them. It's easier to stand up for yourself when you stop convincing yourself that your own experience must be wrong just because someone else said so. I got a crash course in learning this when a series of doctors were dangerously wrong about certain things going on in my health, and I had to learn how to self-advocate fast, but I think it can be learned in a less drastic way also. Will definitely keep your tips in mind for myself and to share.

Set boundaries, find peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab was the last push I needed to heal.

My issue with people pleasers is that they expect you to read their mind. They spend so much time trying to read your mind and accommodate others (even without being asked) so when others dont do the same, they feel resentment. They dont vocalize their needs for fear of conflict, but feel hurt when others do know their needs instinctively.

Not you calling me out and dissecting me😭. Love this keep the content coming your videos are so refreshing😊

I’m a chronic antisocial (as in afraid of making social connections) person, I used to think I can’t be a people pleaser but now I’m thinking that because I’m a people pleaser I’m socially anxious. Idk which comes first

As someone who hates conflict as people pleaser I’m always the person who stays quiet and doesn’t disagree or agree with others, I recently went through something with a friend and told her “hey I don’t like what you did to me today” and she was like “oh sorry I didn’t mean it like that” and now I’ve been saying to people “hey I disagree with your opinion” or “hey I didn’t like what you did today” etc, and it feels so good to express my opinion and judge set boundaries and say what I want to, but at the same time I do feel guilty for saying no but I try to remind myself that saying something is better than saying nothing

i’m so grateful i saw this video!! ive yet to begin rewiring my brain from people pleasing, ive noticed that it’s got worse over the years, i strongly believe it comes from childhood however, im thankful you mentioned how you’ve been trying to recover from it as i wasn’t too sure where to begin, thanks again, you have such a lovely energy and i can’t wait to see more videos ❣️

I’m 39. I don’t even know the concept of what a people pleaser is until very recently. I wish I knew sooner cos then I can do something about it a lot sooner

hi adella - just came across your channel after being recommended this video and loved it! really appreciate you sharing your personal experience and not just the bad but the good sides to people pleasing. i'm a (slowly) recovering people pleaser that initiated from a place of compulsion with keeping the peace in my childhood home. i didn't realize how much the need to avoid conflict and make everyone but myself happy had invaded the rest of my personal relationships until i met my current partner and he called me on it! the point you make at the end about being influenced and reading comments resonated so much with me - i find that i have tended to value other's opinions and comments on every little thing over forming my own thoughts, losing myself and my identity in the process! when we become a mirror switching out personalities, interests, opinions to appease whomever we're interfacing with.. it becomes more difficult to sit comfortably in our truth. nothing prepared me for just how anxiety inducing it is to speak up on what i truly feel or need from others worrying they'll think poorly of me or even straight up drop me LOL but i am a continuous work in progress, God willing with time it will become easier with practice. it's a tough process and i hope all the people recovering here give themselves grace to learn and make mistakes as they move forward. lots of great reading recs here in the comment that i have already added to my goodreads! thank you for speaking on this topic, looking forward to seeing more from your channel

Wow, thank you. This just popped up in my recommended vids, and knowing myself to have people pleaser tendencies, I clicked. Glad I did. I definitely allow people to persist in error, or act foolish, etc. for the sake of my own inner peace -- it's so obvious now, but the selfishness and uncharitable nature of that impulse hadn't dawned on me before.

Thank you so much for this! I’ve been on a journey to unlearn my own people pleasing tendencies as of late, and it’s been earth shattering, truly. I had so much resentment built up for certain relationships and now I’m only starting to realize why. And it’s been bc I’d been so faux-gracious… what’s wild is that while I genuinely do love to do things for people, I find myself “playing the game” for people I don’t like too, to make my own life easier too. You nailed this 🎯

i’m trying so hard to not be - i’ve realised over the past two years of the relationship i’m in that i’m a huge people pleaser and it’s caused more issues than i can count :( the way i relate to everything u said !!! i’m hoping to keep working on this and improving thank u for this video it was so needed!!!

this is so insanely helpful!!! especially the part about how it robs others of a chance to love you fully - I’m realizing that as much as I hate it, conflict makes things better in the long run :)

Girl this helps me so much. Honestly still working on it, and trying to say no more too. Thanks for your words and amazing spirit!! God Bless 🩷

Really interesting video, and so good overall. Kinda ironic. I personally see it as a double-edged sword. Sometimes, it's needed to get somewhere, especially in the corporate world when trying to avoid conflicts and pitfalls but then you may allow future nonsense to occur. Being empathetic is also something i relate too, its quite hard for me not to say where someone is coming from. In all honestly, really not sure what to do about it. I just worry i come across as fake to people...

I love the quality production of this video (it's the first video i've seen of yours and obvs i'm gonna binge the rest later) but like, the camera quality, the graphic design, the organisation, the editing and energy??? i'm in love

I’m so glad I found this vid!! I made my first ever video essay around my history of being a people pleaser but it was focusing more on how that affects my relationship to posting online. I love that you touched on the resentment, I think I’ll link your vid as a further reading in the description also!

I appreciated this so much! I'm also learning to pause more and then express how I'm actually feeling. The best friendships I have are the ones where I've been able to bring up conflict and we've moved through it together. YES, practicing boundaries so people can love us more! Also, it's dorky, but I love the quote from Mister Rogers that I think applies here: “I hope you're proud of yourself for the times you've said 'yes,' when all it meant was extra work for you and was seemingly helpful only to someone else.” That can be the best part of "people pleasing".

thank you for this. i like being good to people so it’s so hard to say anything that is in opposition to any extent. the comment about saying one small thing to your friend being like slapping them is real! like discomfort of confronting something feels so much worse than just internalizing it. i know i owe it to myself to be more sure of myself in my relationships. thank you for putting this into words. hearing it really puts it into perspective. if anyone wants to make like some sort of wholesome accountability group let me know!

This was a really jagged pill to swallow, but I'm glad I put aside my fear based on the title to click on this. Super eye-opening and delivered with such care and understanding. Thank you!

It's funny to watch a video and go "that's it, that's literally me" so many times Ty for this. It's refreshing to have this sentiment put into words

Loveee your videos! I’ve definitely been guilty of being a people pleaser but I’m working on it. I love how you also took the time to mention the good parts of people pleasers.

Thanks Adella I love that you’re speaking on this topic. I’m currently on the journey of figuring out who I am and being a people pleaser robs me of being my authentic self. A lot of what you said here resonates with me and I’m still learning what it looks like to speak up and not avoid conflict for fear of being labeled difficult. Thanks for sharing!

This really made me think a lot. I have known for a long time that I am a people pleaser and it has caused hurt, but hearing you talk about the long term effects really made me reflect on some of the issues that I have in my relationships ( romantic, friendship, family) and how my actions has contributed to it. I am trying to work on it though man is it difficult, and hearing you talk about it and about how it conflicts with god really resonated. Thank you

I feel called out, i gasped and had to put my water down! But this made me realize sooo many things about myself. Ive been trying to put the feeling into words how the people pleasing part of me has made my relationships untimatelly end and youve done it perfectly, I hope that after processing the realization I can be in the path of my own to lower to selfish side of people pleasing and only let the empathic bit stay. Thank you for this!!!!

Like, exactly what i wanted to hear right now. All the positive aspects of people pleasing you mentioned lead me to public defense, but now like half my job is standing up to people and its REALLY hard. Thank you for the insight!

the lighting is so stunning, the colours, the background, the warm sun, the gold, everythingggggggggg

I don’t usually comment on youtube but here I just had to. 13 minutes and you spoke directly to my soul. Thank you so much for putting into words what I've struggled so hard to understand about myself for years. I am too in the journey of recovering and hearing the literal words made me realise how much deeper my people-pleasing actions impacted my life ❤