Why You Should Disappoint Your Parents | Desiree Akhavan | TED 

I remember constantly hiding from my parents that I had a girlfriend and it really did chip at me. Living life in secrecy was not it. Felt more inclined to hide more and more of myself due to fear of disappointing them. It's all good now though just wish we could have done this earlier on in life. Good talk! 👍

i’ve been doing this since i was a kid because my parents had so much expectations on me that i couldn’t keep up, so i started to crash every single of them because i simply thought that no kid should live to accomplish their parents expectations. Live with your own expectations and try to understand what they are trying to say not what they are saying

As children of immigrants it’s easy for us to look at our parents and culture and demonize it for what made us different in a new country. I love how she pays respect to her culture while also recognizing that the rules that kept her parents and ancestors alive in the old country are not necessary in the time and place she is now. For anybody claiming this to be woke propaganda you simply do not understand what it is like to be raised in a place you where born (American) with other children (who are also born americans) who do not live with the ghost of another mother country within them. there is something isolating about it that creates insecurity and many of us struggle to understand our place and where we belong all while being “emotionally abused” (in quotations because many foreign born parents will never acknowledge that the way they speak is degrading and sprouts self doubt in their young very early in the child’s life because the parents struggled to get basic needs ie walk to schooled or had to pump water for baths and have no concept of proper coping mechanism because as children they were focused on survival and now their kids do not and can emotionally develop) by parents who don’t understand that their strict beliefs and ingrained bias are not productive in the new place they have come to for better opportunity. I think she spoke beautifully and has given hope to 1st gen americans like my self who have parents that just can’t get over the fact that the better life they worked for is here. many foreign born parents behave as if they came here to give us a better life and now that it’s better they are bitter we don’t have to struggle the same. siblings do it too. we may look at a younger brother or sister and cry that it’s not fair they got to escape a childhood full of truth and understanding of what’s really happening behind closed doors that only the eldest was burdened with. I guess i’m trying to say thank you for helping me to understand all these things. To any 1st gen americans who are seeing this, I see you and keep your drive. I think our parents will forgive our disappointments when we become successful regardless of their support. They never got a chance to grow up without having to worry about survival and most of them are emotionally stunted, they will loose the best thing they created or adapt to love the child they worked so hard to give a better life to ❤️

Some say children are in debt to their parents, some say parents are in debt to their kids. Truth is, nobody is in debt to anyone.

"Live life according to my own standards and risk losing my family or live according to their rules and never get the opportunity to meet myself, I took a calculated risk, and against all odds I won" these words have made me tear up so beautiful❤

My son has so far had a very good life , we have supported him all the way.

As a chinese person having spent a fair amount of time abroad I can surprisingly relate many times.

EXCELLENT message! Live you're own life. Don't let others determine for you. ☮

I don't know, I think it is imperative you leave home and find yourself. Dad wanted me to be a doctor and marry the girl he liked, career, home, car, etc. And I was a good son and did what I was told. But that wasn't me. That was my dad living his life through me. I didn't know who I was. One day, I told him I was going abroad for college and he threw a fit. I had to leave to discover the real me, and what a fantastic decision. At 92yo, he says I betrayed him, abandoned, didn't marry so and so, etc. He is mean as ever and I live on the other side of the globe. Not the way I would like it to be, but I have to be true to myself.

I really appreciate her coming here and speaking up. It gives me hope, and it gives me a lot of strength. The homophobes here calling this 'woke' have clearly never had expectations that they cannot fulfill put upon them by people they love. Culture can be rough, and choosing to live your own life when it goes against takes an immense amount of strength and integrity. When culture requires me to do stuff that I don't agree with, I like to remind myself that it is just a lot of 'dead people peer pressure'. It can be good to comply for the sake of beliefs and loved ones when it doesn't cost much, but only until the point that it becomes morally incompatible with you, and at that point you have to treat it as petulant people pressuring you into doing something you know is wrong.

No kid has it easy when it comes to their parents. I'm constantly misjudged by society. Who look at me and think I am entitled. Only to not know that I had a drug addict for a brother. Who made my parents go nuts but, was never around to reap punishment. So they took it out on me and I was homeless by the time I was 13 years old. I've had to work a ton harder than a lot of other people to get where I am in this life and because of that. I work really hard to maintain it too. We all have our own stories we can tell about our parents and no parent is perfect.

Woke=when gay person says words on stage, apparently.

As much as I disliked Disney princesses, Belle was my favourite princes for my daughter to emulate. Thank you for sharing your story. For you, and for my daughter, and for all the daughters of immigrants - be fearless and follow your heart 💜

This fucking hits so hard. Just be yourself. It's so easy, if you just try.

This was beautiful, thanks for putting it in such an elegant way that what many go through without knowing how to express it because they are forced not to.

A lot of salty parents in these comments unwilling to question whether they might be part of the problem.

My takeaway is that’s it’s wonderful to be open and honest with your parents. I really think that’s a good thing and that’s something I’m constantly learning to aim for as a 20-something year old who grew up afraid to speak to her parents. This is an encouraging talk, just like many other TedTalks.

I'm no longer stranger to this concept. Never gonna try it ever again.

That was really touching. I have a similar experience

Finally, a TED Talk for me

This is an amazing testimony. She indeed broke free from her parents' expectations but allowed herself to go and work hard for her dreams and succeed by doing what she actually wanted. I have witnessed people letting go of their parent's expectations and then, deciding to live for themselves and acting immaturely but she didn't. She decided to step up and I love that for her 💯💯

Way ahead of you!

These days after some parents have been for a long time isolated from their infant children while their successful adult children are finally getting to know them better at first attempts to disappoint parents while offering them their opinions that might only seem both gratifying and entertaining to them about the mystery as to how their children ended up having the same opinions.

I can feel your pain of being rejected by your parents because you are different. Thank you for sharing your experiences. You are a beautiful woman. Unfortunately for me, I am a man ;-) A big hug from Spain.

The way this was posted on my birthday and I always say I rather disappoint my parents than live in someone else's shadow.

Brilliant!

Nice one 🤗

That is not what I expected

love this

Amazing

I already have but ill watch this anyway

When do parents get to have their lives back? I’ve been putting my son first and wanting him never to suffer. I show up for him constantly. I can’t do less. He is going to be 26. He will finish getting his mba soon. I put him through school My son doesn’t try to please me. I expect nothing back. I keep my judgement to myself and I take his without reaction. Maybe one day he will turn around and say a thank you from the depth of his soul. Maybe. Wisdom comes from living. He doesn’t like that I say that. But he hasn’t lived long enough to fully understand.

PREACH

That was pretty gay. I like it 👍

Stealing the school paddle... that's a paddling.

Beautifully articulated ❤

Normalize local co-ops and labour unions. Workers make the world run, workers should run the world.🌸Ⓐ🇺🇸

Beautiful 💐🌺🌷 ❤

Ok

Preach

Never have I clicked on a video faster then I did now

Wha what are the movies 🎥 dont make me do research

💜🙏🏽

Points taken. Yes, one ought to follow one’s own path and live one’s own truth. Yet, the speaker’s descriptions of the Iranian society and the Iranian diaspora were overtly generalising, even if there were some truths to the observations of their beliefs and behaviours. Iranian society of HER generation is far from the society her parents left when they left Iran... She wouldn’t travel to Iran perhaps, but if she did, she’d certainly be surprised to witness the difference firsthand.

The name might suggest another "woke" talk at ted but if you actually listen it is not about ppl imposing their doctrine onto others but the opposite.

Hello

brava

❤

This is such a great story, remember there are still places where being LGBTQ+ is punishable. And the rewrite of little mermaid story misses the message, in the original she commits suicide, in the Disney version no matter how bad you F*ck up, daddy will come save you.

What a beautiful soul!

You're one of many exceptions that exists in the world

Won't listen to the rest of this, since she started out with little mermaid! That movie also teaches little girls that they need to loose there voice to get a man, and be in pain to be with a man! Forget that! It's been banned in my house for years, and always will be!

My asian parents wouldn't approve this lol 🥲

Most parents just wanted to live their lives through their children's lives so who cares really anyway? All parents can self care live their own best good lives. That's when they become strong enough with any of children's personal problem issue to work together family loving strength.

UwU

yes tom boy lezbo what ever u say...

Shes just like me fr...

آخ آخ منم اصن نمیتونم دروغ بگم و تعارف کنم. 😂 منتها من ایران بزرگ شدم و ایران هم زندگی میکنم 😅

Talk about projecting what she did to her parents Lol. I’m gonna make a Ted Talk about this

First view

I respect the perspective. But this made me wish I had listened to my parents more.

First comment

I peddle!

Taarof is an expression of cultural elegance-the happy intersection of polite generosity and a touch of humor. The Shah certainly discovered the Iranian people weren’t willing to lose Persian culture! It’s a culture far older than Islam and rich in so many ways. Its history touches every other old world civilization. I’m glad Persian culture inherently resisted rapid change for most of the last 3000 years because humanity needs stability AND innovation for a healthy balance. Iran today has had its stability disrupted too often for there to be balance. It jeopardizes the culture and frankly endangers everyone on Earth. Today’s government is no less extreme (and far less tolerant) than Mohammad Reza Pahlavi’s, just in the opposite direction. Matters of delicate privacy and secrecy have been a human (and a Persian) reality forever-as long as there have been humans-surely tens of thousands of years. You are not the first of anything (except perhaps among the first to need to sacrifice your discretion and privacy for some kind of freedom-without risking your life-which is apparently a hard distinction for many people to understand). Being proud to oppose your culture or upset your family is an interesting idea that recalls childhood tantrums and fantasies. Greatness lies elsewhere. It is parents working 100 hours per week in another country so their children can escape the poverty cycle. It is a daughter carrying her mother from bed to shower to chair to bed all day, every day. It is boldly confronting the lies beneath which our world is flooded. It is not dressing up lies as virtue or courage or justice or enlightenment. It is so impolite to uncover another person’s flaws. That’s at the heart of taarof. While I don’t want every girl to be like Belle, she’s certainly a far better person than Ariel.

Ted talks nonsense 99% of the time.

I thought TED was supposed to be Technology, Engineering, and Design. What's with all the political and social commentary?

Opening minute you diss the little mermaid and beauty in the beast .. I’m out

“And We have commanded people to honor their parents. Their mothers bore them through hardship upon hardship, and their weaning takes two years. So be grateful to Me and your parents. To Me is the final return.” Quran 31:14

When you lost your fear, you lost your wisdom. Obedience is better than sacrifice.

I don’t think what you said is covering all the people of that nation!

I think you both looked into this Little Mermaid thing far deeper than intended. It’s a cartoon.

It's not the first time I find things she says utterly vapid. So was her show The Bisexual. There's probably quite a lot of truth in her saying she's an entitled millennial cliche.

The Bible is clear about how we are to treat our parents. The fifth commandment says, “Honor your father and your mother”

This is a stand-up comedy routine. Ted talks aren't what they used to be.

Another promotion of wokeness

Yay more garbage for everyone to watch

I really miss when TED vids where actually good

Has TED turned into therapy sessions for the speaker? Diss your culture - check. Diss your upbringing - check. Diss intolerance - check. Be intolerant towards the views of others - check. I can bet my bottom dollar that the challenges faced by immigrant parents were far, far more than the children of those immigrants could even imagine. If you had a roof over your head, food and clothes then be grateful because those intolerant immigrants gave up their lives to provide a better life for you.

How about how to make your parents proud despite the differences between you?

me me me me , I'm gay, me me me me.... 'Stunning and brave' blah blah.

Complete opposite of what the Bible teaches. Disappointing your parents intentionally? Smh

And your Lord has decreed that you worship not except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age while with you, do not say to them "uff," (an expression of contempt) and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” Quran 17:23

You gotta play the victim 24/7??

This is horrible…..

Your stance is bullsh*t

Haven't we had enough of this woke bullshit?

Trash

Failed society is manifesting in her thoughts.

Oh my God, I’m such a victim

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