Why Your Wife (or Partner) is Never Happy No Matter What You Do 

- hard to win with women. - i stopped trying when i began to care more about my own happiness & well-being. - women will destroy you, and then call you a loser. imagine that!

...wow, i feel this. I left my country to be with him and he wont even move from his childhood town

@@sgtlucifer6883 men will destroy women too.

​@@sgtlucifer6883 yeah never do too much for a woman she always think another man will do better than you

women think they are the prize and if they dont get what they want then they'll create problems and start complaining. They are feel that they are owed everything because they get attention from men. they lack empathy for the man and they want to exploit us and leave us to hang dry.

I think this is so backwards to say. What your happiness would look like if you're alone is completely different from what your happiness look like with someone.

@@geegeesnation3869 You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. If you provide a woman everything she desires and think she's going to be happy, she won't. You can never *MAKE* her happy. People making 5 figures want to make 6 figures. People making 6 figures want to be millionaires. Millionaires want to be billionaires. Billionaires want to be trillionaires. trillionaires want to be quadrillionaires. How much is enough? It is never enough. The person in question has to decide, "I'm perfectly happy with this." However, for most this usually comes after, "I'm so tired of working." If you're the one being provided for, who never has to lift a finger and work and support yourself because the other person is. It takes a very special person to be the one to say, "No more free presents, I have enough, I am happy." This is why you cannot make a woman happy. She has to decide for herself that it's enough, that she's happy. But that is highly improbable to ever happen.

@@geegeesnation3869Uhm no, you yourself IS responsible for your own hapiness, not your partner, not your mother… YOU!

True but shared happiness is the best and fairly rare.

@@rpersen Yes, you are RESPONSIBLE for your happiness. But that doesn't mean you're expected to be happy alone and isolated from the world. It means you choose to surround yourself with the people and comforts that contribute to that happiness. That doesn't mean that one or more of those people can't undermine your happiness by their behavior, which requires corrective action on your part to convince them to modify that behavior or excise that person from your circle.

Absolutely. I couldn't agree more with you. They have to be unhappy and tie you in knots.

I can say the same about men.

@@monicag6715 nope.

@@monicag6715 Keep us fed and have sex with us and we're good.

If ur on ur 3rd msg, I think you are the problem

"Comparison is the thief of Joy" - Theodore Roosevelt

Men are wise to not try to emotionally read the mind of their spouse. Ask what's wrong and if she says nothing she has just proven something really awful. Maybe she's not honest, maybe feeling terrible but not because of anything tangible so lies and says nothing, maybe withholding the truth which is basically living, maybe not capable of wording what's going on inside her and not capable of even phrasing that. Get her out of your life quickly! An emotionally upset woman without the ability to discuss and resolve it will do other destructive 🎉 behaviors driven by a FEELING of which she can't articulate, control, understand, let go of, and the like. This is basically a crazy person that's being controlled by some unknown and unpredictable force and they REFUSE to fight against that unseen force so they can have a better life.

My wife is the same.. same exact scenario (new home, 2 fancy cars 100k each, 7 figure salary, gave her a family(she came from a broken home and was an only child) and she’s upset at the world because she essentially aging and is no longer the “prettiest girl” in the group. O yea she even got a surrogate because she didn’t want to get fat and I went along with it all because I was blinded by love.. I m waking up now and she hates it. She even called the cops on me a few times.

Im going to be rude and tuff but hopefully helpful. You were/are blinded by your emotions and she is also. Dont let your disruptive emotions make you blind and behave in a way even remotely improper, for your sake. ITs okay to be upset but not constructive to act out of the irritation. If she called the cops then its likely there is some interpretation that you did behave unconstructively. The leagal system will eat you alive so please be careful!@@timmy101able

@@timmy101able I hear you Timmy, it is very, very sad. They rate their value on how they look and wanting to be the stunner forever that all women and men want to be. They do not realise what is important and what they have. It is good that you are awake and know the truth.

NPD individuals (legit diagnosable) have to be avoided and divorced. Look on the bright side if they are legit NPD, there was never any actual relationship happening anyway. They are children (usually literal toddlers) in terms of some of their key development stages in life still, so they cannot have an adult relationship period.

Amen and 110%. The narc is always top down in judgement and punishment. When she tried to turn my kids on me. I left. They still love me but imagine they tire of her. Bring free is the greatest. Minor bouts of loneliness are nothing compared to blistering criticism and apathy to my human needs.

Good. People should not be married to people who mistreat them. Glad you got out of them. Not sure why people think I’m advocating for being treated like shit. I’m advocating for nonassholes to eliminate conflict and misunderstanding in their relationships.

@@artmeacademywiththesaltyse9537 The same.

Be careful about thinking you will never make the same mistake. Hope that is true, really, I am sincere about that, but you must keep your guard up. Nature and evolution (to insure the species survives) has evolved ways to trick you into thinking "this time it will be different". I think it is called oxytocin. Makes you crazy. Makes you think "this time it is special". And perhaps it really IS special this time. Of course that is what most of us thought the last time ... and the time before that...

So important...

I'm to scared to tell my wife anything.

this is why society has becoming dysfunctional because men have kept quiet for too long. women have an overinflated ego and they'll never be told anyhting. smh

@@JoeBlowUK I’ve tried to keep the peace and not sharing how I’ve felt or drawing lines at what point I’m not going to take crap. I married my wife with 3 kids she had from previous marriage and it has been nothing hut hell. Her expectations went to the moon and when I told her mine she turned it back on me that I was to shut up.

Facts

It’s because she did cheat on you

She was projecting like a mf.

My goodness!! And you put up a sexless marriage for years? She was testing you! Nothing you would do was enough cause in fact...she didn't love you. Sorry but that's the true 😢

Women are considered deep - why? Because one can never discover any bottom to them. Women are not even shallow. ” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

She has borderline personality disorder

Men used to choose their wives, or family. Women used to be taught how to treat their man. Coincidence? No. Woman can be divorced whenever a man finds her no longer fit/clean for the marriage. What changed? Oh... the government.

He’s just SIMPing for another “Good Boy!” pat on the head by a mother figure. Some take awhile before the testicles finally drop. 🤷‍♂️ IJS

Rage is part of the journey. Work through it. On the other side, you'll find the serenity of not giving a shit.

@@SKBottom Agree!!! Each angry moment is a debit from your account. Eventually you’ll check your balance and have absolutely no more f*cks to give. 🤷‍♂️ IJS

Happy wife happy life is what was said I wasn’t listening but I’ve heard people go by that 😂

Love is not self-centered.

I've heard that before, but not sure. Is SHE always OUR first choice? Is she literally a 9 or 10 level in looks, bangin' body, with a great loving personality who craves us constantl and rarely gets annoyed or down? No, usually she's decent looking, loves us, has her naggy moments, and yes, she wonders about Chad. Accept it.

You'll never be a woman's FIRST CHOICE so get rid of that mentality. Either a woman is with you or she is not. That's all there is to it. If you're sitting there expecting a woman to make you her FIRST CHOICE, you'll be waiting forever. Just do your thing in life and if you want to be with someone and they want to be with you, they'll come along. If not, oh well just continue doing your thing.

@@Eddybo22 brother you've missed the point of my post. I'm essentially saying chase excellence, not women. Never settle for someone who doesn't value you or view you as a win in her eyes.

@@davidjofficial1 fair points but you mentioned being a woman's first choice. No one is ever anyone's first choice. That's why I stated what I said.

Who cares why they aren't happy, as a husband you still have to deal with it.

Pretty much

For real. Women get all kinda of excuses to act like children

Even though a woman has accrued past benefits from her relationship with a man, this is no guarantee of her continuing the relationship with him. (Translation: What have you done for me lately?). If a woman promises a man to continue her relationship with him in the future in exchange for a benefit received from him today, her promise becomes null and void as soon as the benefit is rendered. (“I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.“). A man’s promise of a future benefit has limited ability to secure a continuing relationship with a woman, and his promise carries weight with her only to the extent that the woman’s wait for the benefit is short and to the extent that she trusts him to keep his promise.

@@kaiserpuppydog7174 ...Good old Briffault's Law. I tend to think of it like this: Women like things about men or there wouldn’t be any attraction? On the other hand, there’s stuff they don’t like, but this comes down to dealing with people - or anything else in life. In the case of a breakup or divorce it usually comes down to the stuff they don’t like being greater than the stuff they do like. The other scenario is when a certain person tries to get an upgrade; that is, more stuff they do like and less they don't like. Of course, a big divorce settlement is something women like and can tip the scales.

Easier to just iron fist it. Less divorces.

Better not to do any inside household chores, unless its to fix something or hang something. Stick to outside of the house.

She should be doing all that work herself not you.

I understand why some men beat their wives, just saying.

Lol ew ​@@clauderock5600

This. These emotionally broken women are stuck on the lack of safety. Not because we're doing anything to make them feel unsafe, rather, because they haven't worked through their trauma. I'd do relationship check ins weekly. The answer was always fine. I pushed for emotional vulnerability, conversation, working on things. No dice. Broken people can't or won't. Then you get blamed for everything. A total mess. Glad I'm done with the insanity, I won't go back.

@@jackthereyep, I’d argue this is most dudes in relationships with modern women. They’re a mess. They literally believe most men are a potential rapist and ⅓ women are SexAsalted (algorith approved spelling) and man wanting his own partner is potential SexHaras ment of the woman. They’ve been mentally corrupted and turned against men and they see their partners as competitors. They’re literally incapable of a healthy relationship with a man. They’ll most likely ruin everything around them without it ever crossing their mind it’s their own fault. Me and most dudes I know have gone through terrible things at the hands of modern wahmen, and we all went “looking for love, but instead got a certificate in cluster B personality disorders”. They will burn their whole relationship before ever admitting to the smallest wrong. The average modern western woman is a walking disaster of contradictions and projection and self hatred while trying to imitate masculinity, and they’re objectively the most messed up generation of females in history. They see threats where there are none, and no threat where there is danger. Men have to work 10 times as hard as their grandfathers for women 20 times worse than their grandmothers. There’s literally nothing you can do to make them feel safe unless they realize their perceptions and ideas are completely skewed

Some wives are just white trash and you can't overlook it.

“.. emotionally unstable and unable to have rational adult conversations about basic conflicts.” And therein lies the rub, and the reason this sneaky little conflict pattern in relationships is what very slowly ends them. Who decides what is an acceptable emotional reaction to something? Who decides what is and is not a rational concern? I always calculated my ex-wife’s reactions as over emotional or hypersensitive. And I always calculated her anger, fear or sadness about something I thought of as minor as “irrational.” You and I (and almost everyone) defaults to the logically flawed assumption that our interpretation of life events should dictate how others think and feel about those events, or about us. We judge others as somehow wrong because they’re experiencing sadness, anger, fear, stress, or otherwise pain of some kind. And I’m saying if you do that in your relationships, they will all eventually turn to shit and there won’t be safety and trust. I’m not saying it’s fair. I’m not saying it’s convenient. I’m saying if we don’t speak and act in a manner that results in safety and trust for OTHERS’ diverse experiences from our own, then our interpersonal lives are going to have some unpleasant shit go on. Even more unpleasant than the inconvenience of having to validate others emotional experiences, and to in general be considerate of other peoples needs and wants, even if they’re different than our own needs and wants. All of that said, we are ALSO responsible for partner selection. Imagine dating or marrying someone with type 1 diabetes and then treating their dietary needs and insulin needs as unnecessary burdens for you on account of the fact that they don’t have to worry about those same things for you. Their health requires different things. Maybe if you married someone who had horrible shit happen to them in their youth - betrayal and abuse by parents or other trusted people - maybe they have trauma and sensitivities you and I can’t understand because the same bad shit didn’t happen to us. Still, I ask: How are we not responsible for consideration and need fulfillment as their partner even if they require a little more from us than our perception of other people’s relationships? Either we choose to be single. A perfectly legitimate option. Or we choose partnership. Both have conditions and trade offs attached to them. Most people are predisposed and inclined to pursue partnerships. It’s been observed in mammalian behavior as far back as history and science books go. Thus, my message. You want relational stability and health? Perhaps responding to those we live with language that communicates that we think they’re wrong, stupid, crazy, hypersensitive, overreacting, and that we are never responsible for the way they feel therefore we’re never going to change maybe has something to do with the absence of safety, trust and “rationality” in our shared lives with someone else.

@@jackthere You seriously believe every single girl or woman you ever dated is crazy and irrational, and that you’re the victim of their insanity? Or might it be that the same behavior patterns and habits emerged in each relationship, resulting in them expressing some negative emotions toward you which you found confusing and didn’t like? I’m not suggesting you ever did something bad or wrong. Maybe you didn’t. You don’t have to do anything wrong in order for another person to be hurt or afraid.

Yo your video was awesome and spot on.i will be continuing u

Agreed it’s always the guys fault yet you give these girls 100 percent safety and they get bored

You hit it right of the ball park.

After 3 marriages, and in between, I I forced myself to stay 22 years in last one because of “our” child ( guess who got custody and moved far, far away) leaving me with the bills? The last two years she came back, and like a soy-boy, I took her back even though she never apologized for what she did (she always found an excuse to exonerate her wrongful behavior). My happiest times in reality was when I was with the guys going fishing/camping/tennis/car fixing/carpentry/electronics/stimulating no-holds barred conversations/etc.,etc. I’ve now concluded that men are happier together as pals because we care just enough for each other without becoming an emotional tampon or slave to them. Widowed now some five years and absolutely enjoying MY life as a single male again…and staying that way.

Ooh! I have alittle bump on my skull...may be thats my magical horn growing where she hit me!?

It’s a fucking nightmare

I'll start with- joke: What's the percentage chance of joining the mike high club!?

They don’t. They are experts in sabotaging anything good that they have

Yup. After the intoxication of the first 6 months to 2 years has worn off, she starts comparing and contrasting, then starts to feel she can do better. Definitely.

IOW, Hypergamy.

Yes, excellent analysis. Great insight. Hypergamy is also Safety and MUST be satisfied, going both ways, pre-requisite to any exploration of Maslow's 3rd-Level.

@@usjet333 'Safety' yes. Unless that is the Alpha in question happens to be an abusive, self-obsessed emotional retard.

​@@billyliar1614 yes that the reason never do too much for a woman

Sorry man 😢

You need to sit down with her and talk about social media and attention online. It's destroying marriages daily. Stay calm and loving but be firm. It's absurd you are tapdancing for her like that.

Your wife checked out long time ago, you need to wake up and not waste any more time with her. Going to the doctor is buying her time while you continue to suffer. Let her go.

You're a good man. I can tell because you admit you have flaws. Only good men do that. Same happens with me and my wife. I bend over backwards and she emasculates and there's no win for us in sight. No matter how I negotiate or try to make a win-win she doesn't care. She takes one thought of her imagination and runs with it. She "doesn't feel safe" because I don't capitate to all of her selfish demands and her constant clinginess to her family. She wants for nothing and I provide everything. One day she will be a little lovey dovey, next day she will be resentful for whatever reason. When in reality, the one who doesn't feel safe is me. She could take my son and my entire net worth at any given moment and I could lose everything. None of my emotional needs or perspectives will ever be acknowledged. I will never be validated or respected no matter what I do.

@@clauderock5600hes fooked by the courts if he divorces her.. she’s going to the doctors to say she’s feeling miserable this that and will use that against him too

Exactly! You’ve hit the nail on the head. He’s desperately looking for a reason outside of his own SIMP mishandling. Sadly, this is why he’s doomed to repeat the same ish with his future paramours. After the next woman (or women) take away more of his ish, he’ll finally have that “Aha!” epiphany! 🤷‍♂️ IJS

Enjoy your red pill douchbaggery, dickbags. I’m not venturing anywhere near advocating for submissiveness or “beta” behavior. But hey. Good luck, tough guys.

@@matthewfrayvideos Haaa! Good one! 😄😂🤣😅 Wait! What? You’re serious??? 🤨

So basically men can’t make women happy and women can’t make men happy. That’s what my conclusion is. Fuck marriage, fuck relationships. I’m done.

A woman can't feel safe with a man she can manipulate to do whatever she wants. It's like someone that can't drive teaching somebody else to drive.

It’s always safe to think about yourself first, reach your own goals etc …

I agree with you that woman are never satisfied and I also get the stop-caring part. As an introvert it's very easy for me to be alone, I actually need it people don't fill, they drain my battery. That let me to give the whole idea of being together with a woman a pass. Really once I realized this (she is never happy, I am never good enough)... I can't take being exhausted like this. It's too much. I don't want it. What I want is tranquility and peace of mind. A woman, in the long run, would only chip away at my sanity. And IF I managed to stop caring, what's the point of having her around?

Chris Rock said it best... ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-RIJavth0a9c.html

Fray doesn't care as long he's getting paid to sell his grift. His basic theory is truth spoken from a good person, done in love, will ruin a marriage. His scheme is to empower one partner and invalidate the other. One's pain is paramount, and the other's is meaningless. If the invalidated partner tries to discuss their pain, feelings, or safety, then they are characterized as not validating the empowered partner's beliefs. I did learn one thing from Fray; don't allow yourself to be blindsided.

Have you tried picking up Matt's book and putting down your defence mechanisms? It is possible the other person is the main problem (my stepmother was that way) but you are the only one you can change.

Possible your wife has borderline personality disorder

God, you’re dumb.

No, no. That's not Matthew's Teachings. One spouse is empowered to the detriment of the other and the one who is empowered controls validation.

You are the only one you have control of. Work on yourself, solicit & accept feedback even when it isn't positive, and invite your life partner into the work with you. Be one horse leading another to water and model the healthy hydration instead of acting like you are two different species one who knows better than the other. That seems to me what Matt is trying to do for the clueless dude subset of the population. No one can make another being drink of any source, no matter how wise.

Maslow’s hierarchy was debunked long ago. It’s overly simplistic. People jump the levels all the time. Not sure why someone is writing a book if he is using stale psychology.

@@brad4817cause he’s full of doo doo

She’s not joking my guy.

Choreplay is grounds for divorce. In what world is any of that sane? Basically ruining the entire relationship over very minor things. In a relationship people have to compromise. If the man is holding up 98% and has been a great provider and father, why nag him about the 2%?

have these women been to other countries, this is a joke they are privlege princesses who never had to struggle. they are privilege and we let them tell us what to do. men are more mature than women today, we've seen how they think of us when they take men to the cleaners and put us on child support.

Let her read this. It's so direct.

You have found a Unicorn. It’s what we all want. And never find. Women like your great wife were commonplace in the 40’s 50’s and part of the 60’s. Today with Divorce being the norm, there are a lot of damaged people. My best advice is look at the family unit, if it’s fairly sound and her Mom is a good person. You are probably good, but if not. Move on. You have to realize, the risks all fall on the Man

To women, "safety" just means "unmet demands".

Have you ever asked what she wants?

My wife does this all the time. She always says "I don't feel safe! You don't make me feel safe" Well, turns out her version of safety is me constantly capitulating to her point of view, always sacrificing my needs for her, and doing everything possible to cater to her emotions at my expense 100% of the time. Her version of safety is her living with her parents and taking my son to do the same while I foot the bill for her homestead and truck. All while she utterly ignores me. That's her version of safety. They don't want safety. They want power.

You are trying to be clever but despite all your reading You write stupid sentences. Hapines is related to your inner attitudes , beliefs and family of origin landscape BUT it can be heavily elicited ( in positive or negative direction) by your surrounding and its Inconsiderate ACTIONS. Addvertising industry is the Best example . (*If what you are saying is a truth - then... Advertising industry would not spend TRILLIONS of dollars on external influences.) We live in a System - not in a vacuum... so external activities can elicit unHapiness in any man and in any women. Though all statistics proof that women and children are TARGETED Audience of advertising companies ... As they spend far more time looking how Life should be - on TV ... Then men... men are confronted with Life out there - first hand so men fantasize about imaginary life much less.

Happiness (I prefer to call it contentment) as an adult requires some philosophical grounding to acheive. It's rare enough among modern men, but I can count on zero fingers how many women I've run across personally who are interested in thinking this way.

This is the most underrated comment!

You CAN work together to create the conditions of Relationship happiness, but that requires negotiation and practice on her part. Women are terrible at this.

It's not about your happiness depending on someone else. If I wasn't locked into a lifelong monogamous contract to my wife, I could dump her and be totally happy on my own. But since I am in a lifelong monogamous contract with her, I'm not happy because she doesn't give me the love and respect I'm entitled to as a good man. And she is unhappy because I don't bow to her every selfish demand, nor does she communicate or negotiate with me. She simply makes demands and manipulates.

Not at women.

They treat you how you allow them to treat you - to a degree. You can move the sun and moon and she will still disrespect you. This is why i don't do anything for her anymore because she doesn't deserve it. I only do good for her when she motivates me to do good. If she is making me unhappy, I return the favor. If she makes me happy, I also return the favor. Either way, our marriage is a reflection of her.

@@smokingcrab2290💯

I haven't watched the whole thing yet but I'm leaning in your direction.

these women are vampiress, you can thank all the tv shows and movies they live a fantasy life

They are obly happy in their unhappiness.

Absolutely correct response. Bravo!

Man I just realised this deep dark Blue Pill tinge in this video !!! You are more then right here !!! 👋🖐️👏👏👏. (* Please reed my comment ... and an explanation about this built In- anomaly .)

Yes, he is utterly irresponsible, naive and simplistic.

I can't stomach the safety thing and would rather be alone. That said, the speaker helped me be certain that I have correctly understood what safety means to women, so I appreciate this content. BTW, if anyone has reasons to feel unsafe around here, it's me, not her. Still, I am not in agony about it, at all.@@jaydunstan1618

I was married for almost 20 years, and study friends and family's marriages all around me. You're right when a woman gets to comfortable at the base level of a relationship, they take it for granted. Being toxic keeps them focused on maintaining the base level, or lower level. So when the man randomly acts nontoxic, it's appreciated more. This makes them happy. But when en things are too good, they get bored and look for faults.

Being more masculine(which includes confrontation if your wife is sub par) is definitely a great ingredient for a great marriage. You avoided a lot of headaches with a conservative woman but truly a masculine man can train any B&@tch to be put in her place

Wym by toxic exactly haha

I married a conservative woman and she hates me because I won't live next door to her parents. She's just as selfish, stubborn, uncaring, vindictive, and psychotic as any other.

​@@humanoid9787Toxic masculinity means men have their roles and women theirs. Men don't wash utensils or clean up the house or cook with a women on the couch watching TV just as women don't mend the fence, repair the car, or chop down a tree grown over the house's roof. Only simps go otherwise.

aye captain! roger that.

I’ve heard girls say they felt “secure” with a new bf that simply solved one small little thing for her. Then you get married and suddenly safety’s gone. How crazy is that?

It's not that we don't have a responsibility to our relationship needs for each other. But women's expectations are 1000% unreasonable. They require more than humans are capable of giving.

how old are you sir?

Ill be back on that train before long, god willing.

@@meltherecafe2394 Mid 50s

Hey Tony. If this happened to you, I'm profoundly sorry, because I can't imagine how shitty and betraying that is. There are really bad things that happen to people, or that people do to one another in their relationships. Infidelity. Abuse. Crime. They all live on the list of things I call Major Marriage Crimes. And I don't think people are overly confused about why marriages end that include those behaviors. I focus my work on the so-called "Invisible" places. I think a ton of relationships between two well meaning, relatively well behaving people end routinely. And I don't think it's obvious to people why. It's not obvious because the ways we accidentally hurt each other and erode trust are simply not obvious. So everything I talk and write about is addressing these subtle, nuanced, invisible things. I don't think you're under any obligation to trust anyone you don't want to, let alone an unfaithful spouse. Betrayal is bad. You've highlighted what I perceive to be the most painful and dramatic. But what I'm usually talking about are the tiny betrayals. The stuff that doesn't hurt that bad. Just a little. That's the stuff that kills us slowly. And the stuff that kills us slowly and undetected is what I consider to be the greatest threat to the average relationship.

@@matthewfrayvideos But you cannot even deal with the little betrayals if one is not open and honest. My ex-wife actually said she thought she shouldn't complain. I'm sure she was miserable. I know I was. But when I asked for just an hour a day that was just the two of us to touch base and so on, nothing. Or if I asked how things were and she said fine, which wasn't true. Yeah, you cannot fix it if you are not being honest. I could not be honest for her. I don't doubt that people hurt one another. Sometimes intentionally, others times not. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but it doesn't get fixed if you just sit and stew instead of working through the problem. Attack problems, not people. I choose poorly. I chose someone who could not be open and honest with others. I've been remarried coming up on 15 years. It's amazing what a difference a confident and honest woman makes in a marriage. So don't sell the guys short. Most of us are not trying to hurt someone. We have a hard enough time understanding ourselves. If we don't get a clue or three as to what she's feeling, it's going to be rough. If she's feeling bad but putting on a brave face instead of being honest and using simple statements to say what she wants, it's just a disaster in the making. Most men (or at least the ones I know) want to move heaven and earth for their wives. But if we are not given clear guidance from her as to what she needs, wants or is feeling, then we will grow discouraged and come to that conclusion, there is no pleasing her. I don't know any man who goes into marriage saying he wants to marry a woman and make her miserable. Too much risk of losing his kids, money, home, etc for this to be a logical strategy. He just wants clear instructions on what to do. Anything less is unsafe for him. At least be willing to explore what it is. If the expectation is if he loves me, he will know what to do automatically and his questions must be a sign he doesn't really love me (I heard that very thing from my ex-wife, who wouldn't give up after that?) Safety is a two way street. Women are just as capable of making the relationship an unsafe space as are men. He cannot do her work for her. She also has to be committed to relationship safety. If only one person is so committed, there will not be a safe relationship. Just one person held hostage by the one who isn't concerned about safety. That's an unhealthy relationship.

@@buffuniballer I'm really sorry if I've communicated that I don't believe what you've just shared. Because I promise that I do. It's absolutely a two-way street. In my experience, in male-female relationships, women demonstrate a much higher degree of relational skills than men. It's NOT because men are bad. It's because boys historically were not raised to value learning relational skills. People just like me. People who mean well, and cause all sorts of harm in their blind spots. Not because they're jerks. Simply because they don't know how to see it. Not all men. Just some men. And certainly some women too. All I'm trying to do is tell the story of how I went from me 10-15 years ago, to whatever I am today. And I really hope it can help good people suffer less in their relationships. Because that's all I really want.

​@@matthewfrayvideosas a sociologist with kids, my perception is it is much less gendered in the younger generations. As I tell my kids “your digital devices will not clue you in when you are being a relationship destroying self-absorbed jerk, only attention to your human relationships can do that. “

Well said !

Yes, you’re right. More women need to wise up to this truth and realize the conditions of their love for their partner before getting married. Financial stability from a capable and caring man is a must. No woman wants to be the bread winner forever unless she wants a child for a husband. Marriage is really a contract and should be touted as a contract with 2 contributors.

I think it’s perfectly acceptable to decide you’re in a relationship with someone trying to control everything and decide you don’t want to be with them anymore. Good for you for enforcing boundaries. That’s not what this video is about, no matter how much you might try to dismiss it as such. Bottom line: If something is important to your relationships partner, and they can’t trust you to honor it because you don’t think and feel the same way about it? There are a finite number of days someone will tolerate it. It’s not more complicated than that.

They act like theyre holocaust victims because they have to put dishes and clothes into machines and push some buttons.

they cant do nothing bro

You made her treat you that way. Let her go forever.

This is my marriage. "safety" to a woman is simply "meet my demands over made up problems because I refuse to grow up"

@@smokingcrab2290that’s fucking amazing

they are nutcases

Are you confident or cocky? There is a difference...

@@lalaa555 confident, being cocky just pisses her off so I try to just be sure of myself without rubbing anything in.

yo! thats accurate af description of most women i know

My wife does nothing to help me in this way. I can't stand her presence. And no matter what I do, I can never cheer her up.

A huge problem is that everyone sees "basic skills" as "low level"... Truth is that people who have excellent cooking skills tend to have high IQ's... People who really have DEEP cleaning skills and a wonderfully clean house tend to be intelligent. The VALUE of a healthy home cooked meal, homemade soup, a clean home, clean walls, clean floors etc... is hugely underrated. So when someone makes a great meal, it should be celebrated. There are lots of people who study energy that say a clean home has 5X more positive energy, plus way less mould and mildew in the air. A huge amount of happiness can be derived from a home that is CLEAN and fast/delicous meals are the NORM. EXAMPLE: The best coffee in my city comes from MY kitchen. I start with artesian water, filter it and use organic freshly ground coffee. It costs about 20 cents a cup for me to make. Both men and women hugely under-value "basic" living skills and if a person comes home from a hard days work to a clean house and a homemade meal, they should show gratitude to their spouse.

@@kevinscottsphr5214 I don't disagree with any of your points. Honestly, I feel the "seat up" argument is silly since there's a lid that is clearly meant to be kept down. But it's all beside my point that he (or really "they") shouldn't be held hostage by dirty laundry. If either of them are missing the rock-solid marital value of "till death do us part" then they shouldn't have gotten married.

What if he is always angry and when I am happy he says something which makes me cry? Every fucking time.

This is a good answer and makes sense, linking the biological and psychological condition. Great answer.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your family. And at the same time, am so glad that you love and respect yourself enough to choose a better, healthier way of life. ♥️

I just wonder how the sex and general appreciation was in your relationship? Verbally. Did you tell him thatyou love it when he… did you initiate sec and actively participate enjoying it and thank him for it? Not just show up butnot show up emotionally! I just wonder. My wife checks sll the boxes cook clean care for family and obligations. But doesn't like me. In those ways listed above. Incapable of words of affirmation. I've gotten above the trees to see the forest. But was all the time angry. I wasn't getting what I married for or who I thought I married she disappeared early on. Specially when she became a mother. Please answer not trying to be mean.

Give me an example of how this works?

I hate to say this but despite all the supportive women down here, my hunch is that ten years from now this woman will have filed for divorce. In the end, you'll be better off for it, I'd rather die alone than be with the woman I thought was the love of my life even if she hadn't cheated. I played a sold-out show solo opening for a musical legend one year and after walking off the stage of this beautiful theater here two words to me were "I'm tired." I will find a woman that has the gratitude to understand what trust and safety is, the intellect to know what those words meant when Maslow wrote them and the humility to wash a dish inside a nice home. Otherwise, I'm happy with my cats.

One last thing Mathew is believe me I fully tried to do every dish and pick up every pen and be perfect. For years. I didn't sit around like Al Bundy telling her to chill out babe, She broke my heart and spirit then blamed her loss of love for me over pesto dishes and never apologized for five months of infidelity,. Guess who doesn't feel so safe now? Me.

One of the only rational comments here. 100% truth

As someone who is actively fighting against being dismissed and has been for a long time, I'm going to tell you a secret. It does not matter if you understand her point of view. I'm not kidding. The sooner you stop listening to respond and the sooner you stop dismissing her because you don't agree or because you don't see from her perspective (which, by the way, you never will because you are you and she is her. You both can see the exact same thing at the same time and have different perspectives. It's a shocker, I know), The sooner you stop that, the sooner you'll be able to actually hear her. When she talks to you and tells you something, she's not telling you because she wants an argument. She's telling you because she wants to communicate something with you that usually she feels as important and that possibly you might be the only one to address. When she talks, do you start arguing with her in your mind? Do you start filling in blanks where she didn't say something? If you do these things, you must stop. Listen for the sake of listening. Listen to her because you care what she thinks and you love her. Don't listen to argue. If she says something and you don't agree with it, don't worry about it. She's not asking you to agree with her. She's telling you something. If she tells you that her hurt is from something you did, the only thing she needs you to do is acknowledge it (because she didn't tell you something that didn't happen yet), apologize, and fix the problem. For example, if you walk by her everyday and accidentally knock into her, are you going to stand there and argue with her when she says the word "ouch"? Probably not. You're not a bad person, right? If you accidentally knock into her, usually, with few exceptions, you're going to stop and apologize immediately and check her. The stuff that she's talking about is usually not an accident. The stuff that she brings up is the stuff that you probably don't know you're doing. She's bringing awareness to you. If it is stuff you know you're doing and she's telling you it hurts, it doesn't matter what you think about it. You cannot continue to be reactive to her reaction to what you have done. She wants you to stop hurting her. That's literally what you wants. In order for you to do that, you have to stop arguing and start listening. That's it. No one is going to tolerate that kind of dismissal forever. No one is going to be okay being told one second that they are loved and being told the next second that they're too sensitive or that, because you don't agree with their opinion, they're wrong. We all know what we feel. We're not wrong. We each go through something individually every time we go through it. So, I hope this explains things to you a little bit. I hope that you are able to see that and I hope you're able to patch the holes.