Spot on! Only an unhealed person would venture into even speaking to someone like this. The parasite syndrome is attractive to someone who’s broken internally! The sexual manipulator is so toxic & controlling.
Some narcissists are asexual. Mine was. He was parentified by his mother. He was also "her man". His sexuality was switched off. It was weird. There was no connection in the bedroom, he never needed to have sex. But he used it to manipulate me. I used to think that I was not attractive. He would rather play games all day long. I'm in a 7 years relationship with an emphatic man, 3 years married, and our sex life is amazing.
Good for you!@...So glad you didn't decide to just settle,& went back out in the world & got what you know you deserve.... No one deserves to feel or to be treated that way....
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It really hit home when you mentioned that you thought/felt you were ugly, and the video game over consumption. I stayed for almost six years, and even after I’ve left him so many years later I STILL get feelings of insecurity when I’m reminded of certain situations I had gone through. (P.s congratulations on your marriage!!!) 🫶💕
I wld never say that saying some Narcissists do not cheat. For sure there are exceptions to every single rule so surely the Doc is right to say that some do not cheat. Most will but remember they come in all shapes n form!
No empathy for narcs. Manipulative people hurt others. It's not true that "hurt people, hurt people" like many says. When you choose to hurt others you could have chosen not to.
Yes but that still stands true. People that aren’t hurt or broken don’t do crap like that. Does it excuse it? No. Does that mean anyone should tolerate it, no.
. I lived in a pshycological warfare constantly from 5 to 18. You don't chose to hurt someone, it becomes an automatique defence if someone hurts you. The difference is, you think you take on a partner as to be loved and if its not the case you react. Then you mature...learn and change the pattern. Narcs chose to take on a partner only for the pleasure to bring them down. But in some way it's also automatique for them. That's the way they have learned to gain power from childhood. The difference is, they can never change that pattern, they are locked into this behaviour. See Sam Vaknin. A narcissist who talks about narcissism. He was the first one to talk on RU-vid about it. The only ones who believe that narcissist can change is empaths. They hang on to the point of loosing themselves. Manipulation is conscious behaviour with the intent to hurt, and hurt people are traumatised and react unconsciously but narcs have made manipulation a conscious game that helped them survive from childhood. They have learned that emotions are weakness, and closed off their hearts to protect themselves from this weakness, so now only dischiffre your emotions as to how to use them for their gain. So, hurting people is in all cases not a choice since the pattern is inflicted from childhood. And what children chose the bad childhoods? None...it's sad, but, the most important thing is to realise that as an adult so you can evolve and protect yourself from repeating a pattern that hurts you. As an hurt empath, you have the choice to change by looking at your childhood. Narcissists can't. They are stuck in a repetitive pattern, and when you change, they will go to the next person that suit their pattern.
@@KimRopethis demonizes people who are actually hurt and it makes excuses for people who have sadistic traits by claiming they are hurt people when they are simply sadistical and malicious
@@dampergoldenrod4156 I’m not trying to attack or demonize anyone. It comes down to the empathic one having MORE empathy and love for themselves over anyone else including insane narcs. I just had a mental breakdown in winter of 2016 from my narc relationship hurting me to core more than I thought possible and a light broke out in my livingroom, literally I went from atheist and wanting to die to on my knees knowing God was real, and I was told only hurt people were hurting people. When you can really that in people AND yourself, without feeling sorry for anyone also- that’s big. Feeling sorry for someone , excuses their bad behavior and makes your boundaries weak. I kept hurting myself again and again trying to rescue someone , literally wanting to cut myself , it’s a dangerous road I know
Number 2 is they will choose you because they view you as better than them (paraphrased). This makes so much sense and explains why he was so taken by me in the beginning. Once he had me he went about destroying everything I did and was. He was so fascinated by my creative artistic side and the fact that I was a fashion designer, then he tore me apart one comment at a time till I couldn't even make a living when I left, then alienated one kid, and definitely put a wedge between me and the other kid in the divorce. But my revenge is about to hit him hard and fast, as I rise from the ashes into great success and make way more money than him. I have figured out the only revenge is to build a great life without them!
I was so terribly lonely inside the relationship, but somehow I felt the issue was ME, and I could FIX it. I had normalized the emotional abuse and neglect… Until laying with my 9 year old daughter who asked me if her dad and I got divorced, would I marry a new may who would be mean to her. I immediately recognized her fear and said clearly “absolutely not! I would never marry someone who was mean to her.” And she then asked “then why do you stay with baba?” And all of a sudden I heard her, and understood that it was my responsibility to her, to both keep her safe, and also ingrain in her what healthy love looks like, or I would be setting her up for a future with an abuser. And that was the pivotal moment for me that I knew it was OK for me to divorce.
Explaining the anxiety being confused for excitement has just changed my life. I've grown up very detached from my emotions and the way my body feels, so trying to learn how to recognize safe people has been very difficult for me. I think this is the key to my understanding how to avoid more bad relationships.
00:00 🚩 Narcissists seek power through sex and control due to fragile self-esteem and past trauma. 01:40 💔 Narcissists can either focus on pleasing or neglecting their partner's needs in the bedroom, all driven by their need for control and ego-boosting. 03:33 🔄 Narcissists use manipulation and people-pleasing to win over their partners, creating a traumatic bond. 04:27 🧠 People attracted to narcissists often have deep childhood wounds or emotional neglect, necessitating self-reflection and awareness. 05:22 🚪 Leaving a relationship with a narcissist can be extremely challenging due to the addictive nature of the trauma bond. 06:32 🧒 Childhood emotional neglect, even in supportive environments, can lead individuals to seek out similar patterns in relationships. 10:00 💖 Narcissists require idolization to boost their fragile self-esteem, often targeting individuals with perceived higher status. 11:52 👀 Watch out for the intensity and speed of the relationship, as it may indicate a potentially unhealthy dynamic. 16:00 📞 Slow down communication and observe their reaction to see if they respect your boundaries and pacing. 19:57 🤝 Empathy towards narcissists can stem from shared childhood trauma, but self-understanding is crucial for healing and breaking free from the cycle. 21:08 🤔 Both partners in a relationship may carry deep trauma, which can affect their ability to empathize with each other. 23:15 🧠 Narcissistic behavior often stems from a lack of proper childhood support, hindering their ability to mature and empathize. 26:55 🚫 Gaslighting is a common tactic, where the narcissist insists they're always right and can distort reality to protect their ego. 30:50 💡 The narcissist believes they know you better than yourself, using this as a means of control and manipulation. 35:14 👗 Narcissists may try to influence your style and appearance to exert control and diminish your confidence. 38:11 🛌 Narcissists may avoid open communication about sex, using it as a tool for control and manipulation. 41:31 🚫 Narcissists may lack the ability to empathize in a way that sustains healthy relationships from a young age due to potential differences in gray matter. 42:00 🛑 Narcissists struggle to empathize when their behavior negatively impacts you, as they become defensive to protect their ego. 43:10 🧠 Research suggests differences in gray matter in narcissists compared to non-narcissists, potentially related to addictive behavior and empathy capacity. 44:06 🔄 Narcissists often seek therapy only when the relationship is at risk, and they may use it as a platform to boast or manipulate. 45:00 🚪 Narcissists fear abandonment, making therapy a last resort when their partner threatens to leave. 46:10 🎭 Narcissists may use therapy as a stage to showcase self-praise or validation, but they often resist genuine introspection or change. 47:05 💡 People with narcissistic traits can change, but true change is challenging, especially for those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 48:43 🎭 Narcissists often resist guidance and change, citing shame and a lack of respect for authority figures as barriers. 50:07 📝 Setting and communicating boundaries is crucial in relationships with narcissists to gauge their respect for your needs and emotions. 51:04 🔍 Narcissists exert control by making you believe there is something inherently wrong with you, furthering their manipulation and preserving their ego. 52:25 🔄 The devaluing phase in a narcissistic relationship involves mistreatment, putting you down, and creatingdistance, often followed by cycles of idealization and devaluation. 53:49 💔 Devaluation often leads to mistreatment and distancing, perpetuating a cycle of idealization, devaluation, and attempts to regain control. 55:27 🎭 Narcissists often avoid breaking up to avoid conflict, leading to prolonged, unhealthy relationships. 57:20 🤹♂️ Some narcissists with traits of psychopathy may find pleasure in your suffering, particularly when you're chasing them or trying to maintain the relationship. 59:52 ⚠️ Interactions with narcissists leaning towards psychopathy can trigger a fight or flight response, causing extreme anxiety and discomfort. 01:00:34 💔 Your body's anxiety response can serve as a warning signal in interactions with narcissists, indicating a potentially dangerous situation. 01:01:16 🚩 Individuals attracted to dramatic relationships may mistake anxiety for excitement. This can stem from a history of discomfort in their upbringing. 01:02:01 🚫 Using substances to calm nerves on dates with narcissists can hinder your natural anxiety response, which could help you recognize red flags and exit early. 01:03:52 👁️ Psychopaths may lack empathy, while narcissists find pleasure in controlling and causing harm. Their gaze can induce anxiety and unease. 01:05:00 🤔 Feeling judged by a narcissist can lead to social anxiety. Seeking authoritative figures can make individuals susceptible to narcissistic manipulation. 01:07:02 🤝 A healthy, empathic authority is desirable in a partner. Be cautious of confusing healthy authority with narcissistic control. 01:08:51 🚶♀️ Encountering low empathy people, potentially with narcissistic traits, in dating is common. Lack of a parenting manual can contribute to this behavior. 01:14:57 🤥 Narcissists lie to protect their ego and maintain control. They often cheat, as they can suppress guilt effectively. 01:17:43 ❓ Trust your instincts if you suspect someone is lying. Constant questioning and lack of trust are indicators that something may be off. 01:19:08 🧭 Narcissists may have certain moral values influenced by their upbringing, but their empathy is often insufficient, leading to unkind behavior. 01:20:39 🚩 Narcissists may not tell the truth about their feelings or intentions in a relationship. They might go to great lengths to impress certain people while neglecting others they perceive as less valuable. 01:22:01 🚩 Narcissists engage in people-pleasing primarily for their own ego and image, rather than genuine concern for others' feelings. 01:23:52 🚩 Narcissists struggle to offer sincere apologies; even if they say "I'm sorry," it's often to maintain the peace and keep their needs met, rather than a genuine acknowledgment of wrongdoing. 01:25:03 🚩 Emotional connection with a narcissist is often superficial. Conversations about wants, needs, and building a future together are lacking, leading to a sense of loneliness in the relationship. 01:27:08 🚩 When dating, asking direct questions about conflict resolution and relationship goals can help identify potential narcissistic traits early on. 01:29:29 🚩 Leaving a relationship with a narcissist may be difficult due to a deep trauma bond. Recognize that it's akin to overcoming an addiction and commit to going no contact. 01:32:21 🚩 If there's a genuine fear of harm or violence, seek support from appropriate organizations to develop a safety plan before leaving a relationship with a narcissist. 01:36:12 🚩 Recognize that staying in a relationship out of fear can lead to wasting precious time. The pain of staying must eventually outweigh the fear of leaving for change to occur. 01:40:07 🚩 Elevating your own emotional frequency can positively impact a relationship. Your partner may entrain to your higher frequency, potentially influencing positive change. 01:40:36 🌱 In relationships, when a partner doesn't meet your needs, the relationship can naturally deteriorate, leading to personal growth and independence. 01:41:04 🗝️ Being in a relationship by choice empowers you to get your needs met and find happiness and peace within yourself. 01:41:31 🔄 Relationships are, fundamentally, a reflection of your relationship with yourself, experienced through another person. 01:42:13 🚧 Setting boundaries is crucial for personal growth and building healthier relationships. 01:42:56 📚 Understanding the science behind relationships can help skeptics embrace new perspectives and insights. 01:43:49 👁️ We only consciously process a tiny fraction of the information we receive, limiting our understanding of the world and relationships. 01:45:13 👫 Men and women have different primary modes of achieving emotional closeness-women through connection, men often through physical intimacy. 01:46:21 ⚖️ Emotional closeness and connection play a pivotal role in a woman's sexual satisfaction and desire in a long-term relationship. 01:47:18 🔄 Breaking the sex-romance stalemate involves self-exploration, embracing your own sexuality, and letting go of transactional views of intimacy. 01:50:03 🗝️ Stoke the flames of intimacy through continuous acts of affection, attention, and emotional connection in a long-term relationship. 02:01:07 💡 Cultivating a habit of intimacy, even when not initially inclined, can lead to enjoyable experiences and strengthen the connection between partners. 02:01:37 📅 Scheduling intimate moments can remove uncertainty and tension, allowing partners to freely express affection and desire. 02:02:18 🛌 Creating dedicated times for intimacy fosters openness, playfulness, and emotional connection in relationships. 02:03:13 💏 Spending quality time engaged in non-sexual physical affection, like kissing and cuddling, strengthens bonds and is often missed in relationships with low sexual desire.
This conversation explains EVERYTHING about my relationship with my Narcissistic ex. We were together for 4 years. He isolated me from my friends and family.. I continued to throw myself at him and change myself to keep him and make his approval. I questioned my sanity the entire time. I questioned my own motives and felt that everything was always my fault to the point where I would just ask for forgiveness before the conflict started. When I left finally, he tried everything to get me back via manipulation tactics. It was ironic, because he never wanted me when we were together.
Sounds a lot like my ex, he did the exact same shit took me 5 years to leave. And did the same thing you said, HELLA manipulation tactics to try and get me back but I was DONE ✌🏼
Great interview, Lisa! I love how you pushed back about people who have been abused by narcissists needing to have empathy for a narcissist. 😂 Sure, we can understand the source of their pain, but many of us had suffered worse abuse at the hands of our parents and we decided that we wouldn't do that to another person.
I think having empathy for the narcissist keeps you in relationship with them. You feel bad for them and make excuses for them and their behaviour. Honestly, I think the best advice is to stop having empathy for them! They don’t care about you and they won’t change. Save your energy caring and building up your self esteem and with trusted/supportive friends.
@@TM-gs4jy So true, they have more than enough empathy for themselves. And the meantime while we waste that energy, they are thoroughly enjoying themselves wining and dining their next victim and not giving us a second of their thought. Who do these "people" think they are?
It isn't a choice/blame question. I have a rabid dog metaphor I use. The narc didn't choose to be a toxic mess, any more than a rabid dog did. But any fleeting sense of it being a shame they are so effed up needs to be instantly replaced with self-preservation. They are dangerous, and unsavable. All your energy should go to getting rid of them...asap.
@@carolynredinger439 Many of their behaviors are ingrained, but I disagree, they do have a choice. They rage at and abuse you behind closed doors, but are very charming in public. They choose to control their rage/behavior when in public. And I do blame them. Narcs get away with so much because people don't hold them accountable with consequences.
This is so powerful because as a guy brought up in a family full of narcissists (before I was aware of the word) I notice that now I have to fight harder than usual to be a gentleman smh it's insane but listening to your videos over the years has really helped me to 1 free myself from a narcissistic cycle and 2 begin working on my own narcissistic tendencies and restore balance ⚖️. Thank you for helping me find my inner justice Lisa.
You either are a narcissist or you're not. You may have narcissistic tendencies and not be a narcissist Narcissists are approximately 3% of the population. If you have been diagnosed with a personality disorder like Borderline Personality Disorder...you are 50% more likely to be an undiagnosed narcissist when women speak of narcissism they are speaking of men with narcissistic tendencies. Words are very important here and make all the difference in the world. When I got divorced, of all the words thrown around was narcissist. Most commonly by my ex-wife and her friends......except it was my ex-wife that was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism. Go figure.
WOW! That was timing for me. I just got my heart broken by this exact situation. I needed to hear this. Badly. I recognize every part of this. Every part. I will now handle this in a more healthy way. I pray.
Lisa thank you for broaching this topic!! I’m a year out of a 10yr relationship with a Narcissist and it was all these things. I hope the right people hear and see this interview because it’s not that we were weak. They chose is because we are strong.
@randomastheday1306 I am also a year and 3 months out of my 10 year narc relationship. It’s been a brutal up hill battle. The trauma bond is intense. I also suffered all that was said. Good luck on your recovery, we got this🎉
Omg “YOU CANT TALK ABOUT SEX”!!! Boy did this hit home. My husband hurts me during sex and when I tried for years to have discussions, he would get very angry. It was surreal to me that he didn’t care that he was hurting me. The kicker..he is a doctor. Oh and the rationale for going to therapy was spot on!!!
Sounds just like my ex--who was also a doctor! If I tried to tell him how to please me more in sex, he acted like I was putting him down as a lover. Yes, and I tried many times over the years to get him to go to therapy, but he'd say something like, "You go, you're the sick one!" Only when I went by myself and didn't tell him until afterward did he go--for six months. When he realized he couldn't manipulate the therapist into "siding" with him, he said he thought it was time to quit. I believe he expected me to quit going, too, but I didn't. I kept going because I needed it to leave him when I realized he would never change.
My mom's dad was a dr. His treatment of her left me with a bipolar narcissistic mother. I love and understand her trauma, even as I protect myself with boundless. Unfortunately, I didn't learn this stuff until later. I spent almost 9 years with a narcissist. Since both my parents were narcissists, it felt familiar. I was an empathic person with low self esteem. Ripe for the picking. Luckily he insisted that I was broken and needed therapy. I agreed and went. I learned a lot. I evolved and grew. Both of us were terrified of abandonment. We clung on through several attempts at splitting up. He told me he had a perfect childhood and no trauma. His inability to see himself was staggering. My inability to recognize I couldn't help was staggering. In the end, I've come to a place of gratitude for all I learned. It had to be bad so I'd recognize needing help and not believing i was able to cope with anything. My childhood told me I was on my own and had to solve everything and figure out everything alone. 🤷❤️ I'm in such a good place now. I only allow people in my life who are considerate and are able to see more than their own point of view. I refuse to be around possessive people and I refuse to be possessive. I love without expectation, and expect the same in return, and my life is full of love. ❤
The part about the first date anxiety being mistaken for attraction is so valuable to learn! She really hit the nail for me when she said you might make that mistake because you grew up in a household where you were on edge and normalize that. My Dad was a like a terrorist in our house. He worked for the railroad and would leave thank goodness and I remember being so relieved when he would catch a turnaround and wouldn't be home for a few more days. He was always touchy with a short temper. He would come into the house and turn the TV off or change the channel right at the end of a movie. Yes, I am showing my age. There was no cable or recorders back in the 70s. We would go to school all week, have part time jobs along with our extra curricular activities and he would come into our rooms at 9am on a Saturday morning and pull the covers off us and make us get up for no good reason. This is after we got home from away games after midnight. I am trying to learn from my childhood so I don't repeat the mistake of being with a narcissist for 20 years. Great convo!
Hey Sonya, I hope this message finds you in good health and high spirits. Although we have never had the pleasure of meeting, destiny has a funny way of connecting souls from afar. From the little I know about you, something within me feels an unparalleled connection, and I can't help but envision you as the love of my life. I understand if this message catches you off guard, as it resides in the realm of the unknown. Take your time, dear one, to process and consider this proposition. If your heart resonates with the same longing that now consumes mine, I would be honored to embark on this journey of love with you. May we have the chance to meet, to laugh, to create memories, and to embrace a love that surpasses our wildest dreams. Know that my heart is eagerly awaiting your response, hoping that you may feel the same as I do. With all my love and anticipation, Stanley.
It is important to remember we have control of only our own actions. We have control of only one person and that is our own self. Yes narcissist are damaged and manipulative. But we have the choice to be or not to be with them. It takes two to tango. Take responsibility for your own actions. If you choose a flawed person. Be prepared to be lied too and abused. We need to choose better.
@constancegreiner906, you sound like you want to come across as an advocate for self-empowerment, but the problem with self-empowerment is that it requires taking away the power of others who made a different choice because they were 'lied to and abused' by replacing compassion with deprecating judgements so that you feel more powerful than them. There are many actions we don't have control over when they are autonomic or habitual. There's a big difference between curiosity and criticism, one's rooted in the premise we're all valuable, the other is rooted in the premise, some are more valuable than others. One leads to compassion, the other leads to contempt. Learning about why we may have made those choices will lead to true empowerment.
its important to note that you didn't watch the video lol. did you not see that theres a chemical reaction that happens that is as addicting as heroine. come on wake up and grow up
Well, we can choose what to do once you figure out what narcissism is and who we're dealing with. And since most professional psychologists who regularly deal with narcissists can need months to detect and diagnose such personalities, good luck to the rest of us. 🙄
Great topic. Because this is really happening in this world today. It’s about the Narcissist pleasure and no one else’s. Be careful and aware of the signs of the narcissist in your life. 🥹It’s all about them-Center of their attention , wants and needs. Blessings to everyone 🦋
So true about the emotional connection during sex, but not outside ios sex. This incredible physical intimacy, with the dopamine and oxytocin streaming, made me think we had a close relationship. But it really wasn't.
I've wondered if my 10 yr ex was a narcissist. Maybe on a lower end of the spectrum? Even he acknowledges the lack of empathy, which I should have noticed earlier. He was over the top affectionate and complimentary. I mistook that for love and connectedness, but he expected it all back and was very needy. When things died down w/ me, I started to sense the neediness. I thought he was wildly attracted to me, beacuse he was attentive in bed, and didn't shut off right after. He was always still touching and fondling after sex. I didn't notice for many years and near the end that this wasn't really intimacy, it was just sexual attention and lack of boundaries. He was constantly groping and grabbing years later, out of the bedroom. Which I didn't like after awhile. It was just about breaking down boundaries. When things are too focused on how attracted they seem to be to you, it's shallow. Watch out as you get older, because I used to wonder how it would be as I aged and wasn't as attractive to him. Well, that's when someone like that finds a girl half his age, that he is now much more attracted to, because you got older and he is entitled to feed his ego, in a way that you once did, but no longer can.
Love the reflection on: what is the non-narcissist person doing early on that’s being swept up in fantasy, not “it was great and let’s see what happens” but already a “they’re The One” orientation. I think us folks traumatized/neglected in childhood can head into possible romantic relationships with a neglected child’s hope of being met by the loving, attentive parent we never had. I think that’s often what the deep inner (unacknowledged) part of a narcissist craves too, which is part of the “click” when we meet them. Insurance against being swept into a partnership with one of these very damaged and damaging people: Good friends--know what it feels like to be loved and seen in friendship. Also they’ll tell you “Nah” when you’re not seeing/thinking clearly. Time- a narcissist needs things to be fast and intense, slow it down and you’ll see the Tasmanian devil inside the swirling cloud of dust. Intuition--I loved how the interviewee kept saying feel into your body after talking on the phone, after a date. Our bodies know when someone is unsafe, even when our minds and hearts don’t. Minds want a good story. Hearts just love. Our bodies know who’s honest and trustworthy and they’ll tell us in how we physically feel in the other person’s energy.
I believe my ex wanted to marry me because he saw that he could manipulate me with his fits of rage. And I agree partially with the person who said narcissists choose their victims because they are "strong." My ex always told me I was one of the few women he'd met who was smarter than him (and he WAS very smart), I think I am because I see through ridiculous conspiracy theories while he embraces them. Telling me I was smarter than him may well have been another way of manipulating me, but if he actually believed it then that made him, in his mind, really strong if he could control me.
Yep! I just ended a connection with a narc, he was charming and acting respectful and sayin all the right things. But his speed was extremely fast and compulsive, he wanted me to move in after 3 dates, once I refused, he disappeared 😂 So ladies, please trust your intuition and go at your own pace.
@@minhtam294 Good that you refused. Very often, women consider such an offer from a man as a sign of his love. They say no man falls in love faster than the one who needs a place to stay.. Most likely your guy was looking for someone who would give him all the rights of a married man without having to contribute anything significant himself.
Beware, as if you detect true narcissistic personality disorder, you may be subject to constant recycling. I. Lovebomb devalue discard. That's what you need to watch for. And either learn to cope or navigate its intricacies. Same as if you care for someone, either bipolar as an example. But coping with narcissistic personality is much harder, I'd say, so you need to be an advanced tactical master mind and know how to deal with your own emotional state.
I’m going to be honest, I was NOT going to listen to this when I saw the topic. I thought, “Ugh, not another….!” There is much value to this conversation and gave me comfort instead of stirring up pain and anger. Thank you. It’s been a long hard (almost two years) post divorce period. We had shared an art community. He played the victim, I lost many of my art friends. I never uttered a word to the community. Eventually they began to see and figure out his disloyalties and lies to me must have been an issue. Go figure. I’ve slowly rebuilt my life. Not exactly what I wanted to have to do.
Lisa, I have recently discovered your channel and LOVE all your videos. This one was so comprehensive of what I’ve gone through over the last 9 years. A rollercoaster. I love how Becky really explains the “kind” behaviors that actually have narcissistic motivations, as I have felt this for years but been unable to reconcile it in my brain because the outward actions seemed kind. But everything came with strings and manipulation and a sense of unease. This has been incredibly eye opening and healing. I never watch YT videos over about 20 minutes but this one (and the one about body language cues with Vanessa Van Edwards) has entirely captivated me. It feels like a crash course in exactly what I needed to hear. So THANK YOU both. ❤
18:32 points like this are so important because of the trauma and shame that narcissists have. We have to take accountability of ourselves if we are to expect someone else to do the same 💛 I think she articulates this beautifully and allows us to formulate a healthier and safer empathy
The only good thing about fifty shades was that it was an excellent example of toxic, abusive relationships between the narcissist and the codependent! Worst movie ever- so toxic
I just want to thank you for such an outstanding podcast. I am so glad to know that I don’t have to forgive a narcissist. Other authors talk about “love love, love“ and I’m sick of it. I understand that forgiveness is ultimately for ourselves, but it’s a process and may be sometimes people don’t deserve it. one of the most outstanding therapists you’ve ever had on your show.🙏🏻🙏🏻
My response was we are both messed up so we can possibly help each other and I am willing to at the right time, but I have no expectation of a relationship.
🙏 THANK YOU @LisaBilyeu & @BeckySpelman for these powerful messages that ALL ladies need to hear 💯 I could relate to every point and topic and it helped me put things into the proper perspective 🙌
This woman is SO smart. If you think this sounds like your story please watch this video over and over until you actually understand what she means. Now that I'm 100% out and no contact, this all makes sense 100%. All of the warning signs were there from day 1.
Uggg I’m in the love bombing stage and I see the signs but I’m planning on just staying single, enjoying my time with him, and moving on when the mask drops…dumb I know.
I would like to highlight the "safe plan". Its important when leaving, to plan ahead. Especially if the situation is violent, to have a plan before you break up. Could save your life ❤
Listening to your body was an eye opener for me. Every time I’d anticipated seeing him I’d get major anxiety and shaky and I couldn’t understand why. I thought there was something wrong with ME because that never happened with any other guy I’ve dated. I’d be like why am I like this with him… now I understand.
I relate. My feeling totally is please ook after yourself!!! 🙏 We must listen, it's true. Nobody is going to step in... trust your instinct and walk when you get such feelings Walk, and don't look back..🙏
This sounds like a really thorough explanation but just remember these symptoms manifest differently in different individuals. It’s looking for true empathy that is always the thread to follow. Most especially empathy when you share how they are affecting you.
The way she describes the obsessive language when you meet a narcissist is exactly how I sounded when I met my first husband. I'm now doing the hard work of unpacking the trauma that I carried that made me gravitate to him with so much intensity.
Thank you so much! I've been recovering from narc relationships for years and this is one of the MOST informative videos I've seen. Saving this so I can replay and reflect on this again - immensely substantive!!
Sex is one of the most dangerous things period. Consent is very important, and it's so easy to trigger trauma I finally got to a point of not allowing sexual conversations at all until I trust someone, and any signs of discomfort I just quickly forbid further sexual topics with that person. While it may be extreme it's best to err on the side of caution. For me right now the only safe sex is no sex at all. It's very easy to get accused of misconduct these days.
I had this experience a number of times and somehow understood this behaviour now that I hear this. I noticed that I wasn't looking for this any longer, but I was drawn to this individuals, and I knew this time I had to stay away because because I must confess I didn't want to be in a vulnerable position
The man in my nine month experience used to constantly say in relationship to sex that he wanted me to teach him how to feel like me. " I want to be like you, teach me how to be like you". I thought it was weird but since I'm highly sensitive and very intense I took it as a validation of my emotional depth. He went from love bombing me through flattery and constant attention to cruel discard. Literally from adoring me in the morning to telling me he was just not into me anymore at lunch time.
The way my Nex got me was him mirroring my statement that 'just because you are intelligent, there is always a chance you can be wrong'. He totally agreed with me and went on to say that his "ex's were so controlling and mean and would always accused him of always thinking he was right". He said it was so triggering for someone to say anything like that. It was a clever attempt to control what I said to him. Let's just say, when I did confront him about the way he articulates his knowledge (basically carefully calling him a 'know it all'), he went into a rage and then became a victim. Be careful out there ladies ❤🤗❤️🤗
If you read between the lines .. they always tell on themselves , especially when they start ( grooming ) you w the “my ex always on my case when I’m in the bathroom too long “ your not like that .. right 😑
"Ladies" *AND MEN... I was hitched to a pathological narcissist, vulnerable narcissist women are even more dangerous imo, better at manipulating and playing victim, considering our society views women as innocent and needing protection they tend to escape accountability with ease.
Not all narcissists suffer from trauma. Some the parents told them they were the greatest child ever & when they integrated in the world they learned to manipulate for attention.
This guest, Becky Spelman truly woke me up when I thought I was already awake in this area. Now I feel like I'm sitting up in bed screaming at my own stupidity. However, I at least feel like I have a chance to finally cut the cord for good. Thank you, Becky, and thank you, Lisa. Your show is amazing and so enlightening. If it wasn't for people like you spreading this information and making us aware, I am pretty sure I would be locked in a padded room in a straight coat somewhere. It's not fun finding out these truths, it's actually devastating. However, better the devil you know because life is too short and the amount of time so many of us have wasted on these imitation human beings is regrettable. I am not quite at the stage yet where I feel empathy for him.
Hey Lucy, I hope this message finds you in good health and high spirits. Although we have never had the pleasure of meeting, destiny has a funny way of connecting souls from afar. From the little I know about you, something within me feels an unparalleled connection, and I can't help but envision you as the love of my life. I understand if this message catches you off guard, as it resides in the realm of the unknown. Take your time, dear one, to process and consider this proposition. If your heart resonates with the same longing that now consumes mine, I would be honored to embark on this journey of love with you. May we have the chance to meet, to laugh, to create memories, and to embrace a love that surpasses our wildest dreams. Know that my heart is eagerly awaiting your response, hoping that you may feel the same as I do. With all my love and anticipation, Stanley.
What I learned over time with the ex-husband was when he said "I'm sorry" it was because he was caught, and in his mind if he invoked those words it was code for "now you can't be mad at me." It didn't mean he regreted whatever latest nasty thing he got caught at. Well, it might have partially meant he regretted he wasn't sneaky enough and got caught, but mainly he thought the phrase was a get-out-of-jail-free card. He would actually become enraged because I was still mad at him, because...you know...he said the magic words.
0:25: 🔍 The video discusses 13 signs that can help identify if you are sleeping with a narcissist, with a focus on their need for control and power in sex. 9:45: 🔑 Narcissists require idolization and use sex as a means of communication and connection. 19:47: ❤ The video discusses the dynamic between empaths and narcissists, highlighting the similarity in childhood trauma and the empath's willingness to change and show compassion. 29:25: 🔥 The video discusses the manipulative technique of gaslighting and how it makes the victim question themselves instead of the manipulator. 38:48: 😕 Sexual shame can hinder communication in a relationship. 48:24: 🔍 Fixing compulsion in relationships and the importance of seeking advice and support. 57:46: 🔑 The video discusses the crossover between narcissism and psychopathy and how some individuals may take pleasure in causing suffering to others. 1:07:11: 💪 Confidence and authority are attractive traits in men, but it is important to distinguish between healthy confidence and narcissism. 1:16:54: 🔍 Narcissists suppress their emotions and push away guilt, often cheating on their partners. 1:26:07: 🔍 In a two-way MutualDynamic relationship, pressing someone to be more emotionally open can lead to lying or shutting down, hindering closeness and constructive conversations about building a future together. 1:35:28: 🧠 The video discusses the infatuation stage in relationships and the addictive nature of dopamine. 1:45:45: 💑 Emotional closeness is the key to sexual satisfaction in women, while men achieve it primarily through sex. 1:56:38: 💡 Women need to have a personal relationship with themselves to enhance their sexual experiences. Recap by Tammy AI
Love that, we were all narcs as a child. I was fir sure because I was self centred as the youngest child in my family. My ex husband had addiction and verbally abused me. He denied me of my fertility. I now healed and forgiven him. I pray he recover from his childhood trauma and seek professional help which he refused when I advised him to. I want to encourage all women and men who are in a relationship with a narc. Please, please, please look after yourself first. I lost myself and became soulness when I was trying to make it all better for him. He played the victim mentality and made me thought I was the bully and the preprotrator. Lord have mercy on me. I'm wisdom and more discerning. If you feel low and depressed and losing your joy. It is real, face the truth. Don't be drawn into the narcissistic narrative. May you all be safe and secure in your spirit. ❤
He told me this isn't going to work. He ended a 4 year relationship with no explanation or closure. I didn't ask or argue. I just walked away with no more contact.
I had so much empathy for everyone and how more i suffered, how more i had empathy toward others suffering. Reading about the human psyche with again their suffering, brought me even more a deeper understanding, even my own suffering made more and more sense. I was a magnet to especially males ( as a woman ) and i triggered women aswell treating me very poorly, nasty, because all people where up to no good. I was a victim, victimized over and over again for decades. Now finally, after more damage, studying youtube videos in a broad field, i finaly say NO MORE. I realize now, i had to much empathy for people who where no good for my mental health, physical health, social life. I have ended with no friends now, no family, because i can no longer deal with the toxicity of it all. I wish i was young again and with the knowledge i have now, to start over. Of course it is not possible. My advice is...do not have empathy with people who are not good towards you, behaving like a predator. In nature, you are toast, if you do not preserve yourself from nasty individuals, who have not the best interrest in mind and wellbeing towards you. Real potential friends, comrads do not behave like shite towards you. Narcissistic or not. People who do not want to lose you, will not easy behave like jerks in one way or the other. They are very, very cautious, to not behave in a way, with the endresult...you would flee sooner or later! Just be aware of people. Soon your life is over. You can not restart, nor reset your life. If you have children, be EXTRA vigilant. Many predators choose females with cubs. Be very vigilant, with who you sleep with, start a partnership and family. You do not get much 2nd changes with someone else with a child or children. Protect yourself. Many have no empathy for you. So have no empathy for them. Time will tell. Listen to your gut very carefully and take your gut feeling serious. You deserve to be vigilant and thus protected. All animals need to be very careful. The end result of not being careful is mostly very severe.
50 yrs with my nex 6 yrs free. This is so true...period. I hate that I allowed this to happen. He never allowed me to enjoy sex. He masterbated with my body. The lowest of low...the highest form of control. 😢
Therapy isn’t a cure-all. Not sure why we think therapy is going to change all people in positive ways. There are many vehicles for change in life besides therapy.
Cognitive behavioral therapy Is where it's at. But self awareness is key weather therapy is used or not. Unfortunately many do not have much of it. So self help or therapy will fail to help.
My ex was very attentive at pleasing me ...I think maybe a red flag in the bedroom might have been his need to constantly ask me how good was it and getting extremely disappointed if I didn't reach O which to be honestly only happened twice but just this two times alone was enough for him to show great disappointment and complain about it afterwards. I realized it wasn't so much that he wanted to give me pleasure but that he wanted me to show him how much he had pleasured me. After a while like nothing it just stopped. He just didn't want to do it anymore and that took a toll on my self esteem.
I also believe that it should be pointed out that narcissists are also women, I was seven years with one and she almost destroyed me, emotionally, financially and with friends. It took me two years to get over the abuse and active dismantling of my personality. The profile fits both genders!
Holy crap wow I know that my partner is a narcissist . watching this of course I was like check, check ,check. but when she was talking about "its not love it's fear" looking back at the beginning of our relationship I remember physically shaking after meeting my partner I'm so glad that she touched on that subject. Great interview!
Just one thing I didn't agree with out of all of what she said: that not all narcissists "cheat" I disagree with that statement I do believe they all cheat it's one of their traits, but I don't think that everyone that cheats is a narcissist.
Not all will physically cheat, but they will all emotionally cheat, or they'll cheat by starting a fight over nothing, breaking up with you, sleeping with another person they already had in mind, then come back to work things out, this way they can say "I didn't cheat, we were broken up at the time!" if you ever find out they slept with someone else... a calculated way of avoiding accountability.
@@illbebopping8648 That was my pathological narcissist ex-w's tactic to justify her actions and avoid the shame of being held accountable. I left her last year, I had enough for a lifetime.
I just got out of the matrix and now i see really Clare about how I've been treated in my past relationships and .. ive been repeating the same cycles in my relationship and now i get why .... i needed to sit and heal... like really heal and detach from everything and every ex or men... it is the only way to the next level of life ❤
Very true as I know, healing from narcissistic parents and attracting narcissistic men they don’t care about you all they care about is them cells and how they look and how they feel and you did right you might tell them what you like and you don’t like in the next day they completely don’t care what it’s all about themselves
I just want to know why there are so many. It’s almost like there’s something in male development that can easily go wrong, or is it hormones? We women have hormonal issues but we’re excused. We don’t have the natural tendency to become violent, just either difficult or annoying or unresponsive to help. Testosterone is a hell of a drug-look what it can do…. Perhaps if we started looking at men’s hormonal issues the same as we do female issues, there could be treatments for them (not talking pills, but counsel, management, awareness.) Because testosterone is war inducing stuff, we see sick men stealing little girls raping and killing them. Almost every damn day you see this on the news. Well, it’s well known and common as too that women have outbursts and ‘’hysteria’’ (as it used to be known)PMS, PMMD.. but we’re allowed to freely discuss our emotions, excused for it even, but where is the support for men having destructive urges (which may or may not be due to hormones…not trying to make excuses, but wondering/pondering could this be the reason?) Women’s hormonal issues are not necessarily as damaging, but couldn’t both issues be caused by unregulated hormones? I just see this reoccurring frequency of heavy narcissistic traits in men. It could be though having growing up with a narcissistic father. It’s difficult not to associate narcissism and the state of being a man when your first introduction to men, your father, is a narcissist.
Sometimes it’s not always the addiction of the narcissistic individual that someone is hooked to. If they are financially abusive, what are you going to do and where are you going to go? This is why I believe having your own money, maintaining and job, and saving. It’s not easy, but it can be done. You need support from positive people while going through this cycle.
This is very insightful/ informative, great podcast/episode Lisa and Dr. Spelman. Always on the look out for these sorts of people that pass through our guards so frequently and easily. Much thanks!
Lisa great question here’s my answer as I started healing and understanding the traumas I saw compassion as a gift I was able to send back from AFAR he’s my daughters dad I want peace in my soul this is how I have managed as maturely as possible it has saved me from holding on to hate after 17 years of a confusing marriage I so wish these you tubes were around back then Thanks for this gr8 talk!
Trauma bond. For every narc there is a waiting/willing codependent. Victim narrative, to heal STOP entertaining narcissist/psychopaths. Radical self accountability.
I could detach from the narcissist after a fight with my father when I realised that I was a people pleaser with him but he would not validate my needs and desires. So I realised it was useless to try to please him and get nothing in exchange or get very little. After this realisation I automatically gave up the idea of making the narc feel good and validated.
@@LisaBilyeu I'm glad, thank you ! We have to value ourselves more and more, that's how we get out of these toxic relationships. In the same time we need to really aknowledge the abuser's negative side and put aside our pink glasses.
Hey Alexandra, I hope this message finds you in good health and high spirits. Although we have never had the pleasure of meeting, destiny has a funny way of connecting souls from afar. From the little I know about you, something within me feels an unparalleled connection, and I can't help but envision you as the love of my life. I understand if this message catches you off guard, as it resides in the realm of the unknown. Take your time, dear one, to process and consider this proposition. If your heart resonates with the same longing that now consumes mine, I would be honored to embark on this journey of love with you. May we have the chance to meet, to laugh, to create memories, and to embrace a love that surpasses our wildest dreams. Know that my heart is eagerly awaiting your response, hoping that you may feel the same as I do. With all my love and anticipation, Stanley.
Avoidant Will not gaslight you or controlling you. The feeling is different. The narcissist wil hold on to you for supply de avoidant will pull back out of fear (i think)
Hey Tisha, I hope this message finds you in good health and high spirits. Although we have never had the pleasure of meeting, destiny has a funny way of connecting souls from afar. From the little I know about you, something within me feels an unparalleled connection, and I can't help but envision you as the love of my life. I understand if this message catches you off guard, as it resides in the realm of the unknown. Take your time, dear one, to process and consider this proposition. If your heart resonates with the same longing that now consumes mine, I would be honored to embark on this journey of love with you. May we have the chance to meet, to laugh, to create memories, and to embrace a love that surpasses our wildest dreams. Know that my heart is eagerly awaiting your response, hoping that you may feel the same as I do. With all my love and anticipation, Stanley.
Studies have been done showing circumcision causes low empathy and trauma in the male brain. It would be nice if they did a study regarding circumcised versus non-circ percentages of narcissism
Wow! Interesting study. Yet, I know of one low empathy narc who is a uncircumcised, sooo…. I don’t know about that study. Got to be careful and watch who paid for the study.
Lmao that study is trash . A piece of skin doesn't change a person's personality.. however a narcissist might blame that for why they don't "feel as much" and use it as an excuse on why they are cold in bed.
My guy not and was truly abusive all way thru at the last minute biblicaly so. Sucubus possesion. Its the parents. These coward fcks were extremely unstable looking back they were committable
I heard some Christians talk against double minds. But when I was telling a teacher that consider both sides, she marveled at me saying how thoughtful of me. I like the response of the teacher better.
59:11 🤯 Holy Sh*t!! Revelatory!! I have done lots of research on the topic of NPD, after experiencing it from a textbook ex. This entire talk actually was amazingly informative!! THANK YOU!! 💗
When you discover how much you didn’t know about narcissists. 😳 So grateful for this video. Thank you ladies. You’re saving lives because narcs destroy people and lots of people have so much trauma they don’t know what’s happening.
When I lived with the narc,there was a fire in my room.....I began screaming for help....he stood in the doorway and stared at me on fire!!!! Staring 😮....I shoved him out of my way,ran to bathroom & turned the cold shower on myself!!!!!.... I am sooooo grateful I escaped with my life😂
Well, that's me as far as emotional neglect from parent, exactly how i view intimacy and realizing I've been married to a narcissist for 25 yrs, just this year. Ive been so confused how I've been treated thru this marriage. Ive become very indifferent of my relationship it pretty much just about survival and not wanting to lose what i have built monetarily in this union. Sex is definitely a tool used so i just don't care to participate any longer, that part of the union seems to be over. Im literally just over it all, its now just about self preservation and getting out of the self-loathing and being open to better and steering clear of any conflicts. I have hope that we could become better but i def will not expect it. Maybe brighter days in time is all i can hope for.
I went out to the museum with a narcissist once. He complained about me taking too long looking at paintings and then just left me behind and went on his own to look. I just sat on the bench waiting for him bewildered. Oh, also, when I told him that he can live with his disorder if he sees a therapist, he quickly ran away. I did not hear about him till he came back only to put me down some more. He left me alone when I had my second child. From another man of course. At the beginning, he took my shoes off and he purchased a hip of candy, put it on the table for me so my life would be sweeter. I thought how weird and how sweet. Well, girls if you think how weird and how sweet, be aware!
