YOU Are the Problem-Solver Your Life Needs Now 

Something that I don’t often hear elsewhere is talking about how to handle addiction in loved ones. Growing up trying to impress/affect parents really sets people up for trying to fix unfixable people. Where your logic systems get wired wrong in the beginning to think codependency is love. Anna pointing out that it isn’t love is such an important lesson. Being concerned about someone does not equal love. (Being concerned can be positive and associated with love, but just because you care about someone doesn’t mean you love them) The biggest thing is pointing out that codependence is actually very harmful to people! Accepting someone for who they are is love. … but if you were never loved or accepted, that’s a huge, devastating thing to learn. You don’t even know what that means lol “You mean you can like people without having to change something fundamental about them or how they treat me? You can care about people and not put a ton of personal expectations on them?” Realizing that you don’t actually love them because you don’t know how to do that… heavy. A very important step to recovery.

I was not taken care of as a child, parentified, and now I think things like, “My husband shouldn’t have let me do this or that.” Because, I was not taken care of I never learned to truly take responsibility for myself. when I was a kid my mom shouldn’t have let all that god awful stuff happen to me. I still think other people are responsible for me. At least twice a day I have to remind myself I am an adult and responsible for taking care of myself, my actions, and my child. It is weird what childhood trauma does.

I was abused, neglected, and mostly left to my own devices as a child (home alone a lot and treated very poorly when I wasn’t alone) so I’ve always been highly independent. I could never escape the cycle of thinking I had no influence over my own life. That feeling of being at the mercy of shitty adults and not being able to make your own decisions stuck with me until I was 25. Coincidentally I found your videos soon after this realization and they’re really helping me get my life in order much faster than I ever thought I was capable of. Thank you for being such an invaluable resource for our community

How are you always so correct about these issues that no one else seems to understand! Just today I was thinking that I don't want to get out of bed, I just want some personal manager to do everything for me, everything seemed exhausting. Thank you ❤

Every addiction shows like narcissism - often you cant say if they are narcissists until they get sober - 😭

I have adhd. I am messy, but my home is clean. He can pitch in on the regular routines and pick up after himself. There are enough fish in the sea that if one is not approachable, let it swim away. People who value your comfort (can handle not shouting for a few hours) exist. It seems you don't have a partner. (The sex was too early, you got hooked before seeing the raging).That's what I discovered of my husband, after the kid was born.

I feel helpless to find a job after college. It sucks. Im capable. I worked from 18-25 until I went to college. I know how to work, but something snapped in me when I graduated in 2020 and I am like doing the learned helpless thing about getting a job. Hopefully I snap out of it soon. The financial stress and disappointment in myself is sad.

I was just thinking about my parents again today and how I wish they were normal and loved me. It’s in the past, there’s nothing I can do, I don’t need to prove anything to them. Why do I hate myself so much?

Thank you, Anna. Just a quick note about groceries. An old h.s. friend of mine (an alcoholic in denial) frequently called me looking for money because she was short and needed money for groceries. So, one day, in lieu of just giving her money, I fulfilled her "request" and showed up with a few bags of groceries for her. Boy was she p.o.'d. She was like, 'what's this?'. She didn't want food. She wanted drink! She wanted to sit in a bar and drink! Of course, I knew this. But there was no way I was going to enable her addiction, anymore. She never again contacted me for money for groceries. :) This is what people need to do with their addicted loved ones. Give them tangible gifts they cannot flip for cash. PS, she's still a raging alcoholic. It's amazing how much the human body can withstand. Personally, I think I would have been dead years ago. But she's keeping on....

I feel like I'm stuck because of chronic pain. I think my chronic pain is a result of PTSD. I want to take care of myself, even though sometimes I wonder if it's "too late" for me, so I can be there for my daughter. The chronic pain makes it harder to practice self-care. I do the best I can.

Ann,. I am soooooo GRATEFUL FOR YOU, AND THIS CHANNEL 🤗😘. ..... 😢 THANK YOU FOR TEACHING US, how to heal those really deep hurts

I had an aha moment recently...I went through so much trauma as a child, that even though much has been resolved through journaling, therapy and reflection, I'm still not fully able to use my "locus of control". Recently I've realized I may never become the person I thought I could. Maybe I can't fully recover, and if I can't, that's something I need to know. Every decision point has to have a basis. This was a fascinating video. Thank you.

I wanted to share a thought that struck me when Anna was talking about the pattern she was seeing in this story. Anna was highlighting the fact that the writer was explaining the reasoning or causes of what happened to her in a way that didn't always make the most sense.(paraphrasing!) And I thought that especially when you have been neglected and these horrible things happen to you, you try to make sense of basically everything to try and protect you from future harm. By yourself. The extent of this pattern or coping mechanism can run so deep. When we find ourself overexplaining to people it can feel like trying to beat them to the punch. Needing to explain yourself to avoid judgement but also to ensure connection. But with cptsd our own assessment of situations is flawed, which I think Anna was saying. I saw the writer justifying this pattern in the comments, which is maybe a confirmation of my theory, but I totally get the need to justify. (Happy to read you are doing better btw if you are reading this!!) What I am trying to say is that, when anyone finds themselves doing this, please be compassionate towards yourself. You didn't ask to figure everything out by yourself, especially considering the severity of what has happened to you. Yes it is good to try and make sense of what happened or is happening around you, but please do so without assuming motives or reasoning. These are simply things we can never know 100% and it is not serving you to try and figure this out. The healing is in taking responsibility for the things you can truly control and let go of this rest. The truth is, you can control more than you think when you are feeling negatively impacted by something. And also you can't always prevent things from happening to you. You can however take great care of yourself when they do. However this doesn't apply to being in unsafe situations!!! Get your butt outta there! I realise with cptsd things can feel like most things are frightfully important, but please try to recognise the moments in which you are in fact safe. And take a deep loving breath 💜 Reminds me of a phrase: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

The husband sounds just like my bf when I first met him. Emotionally immature and depressed 😢. It took so many tears and fights for us to get to a happy place. Therapy is the way. But also understanding that a lot of men need to be taught how to be vulnerable.

Ack this was me in my 20s and 30s. I still tend to fall into this thinking when my energy and emotional resources are low. I got covid pretty badly and found myself experiencing old patterns of helplessness. I had to do a check in with my therapist to get out of the party.

I really like your cause/effect and transfer of responsibility in alcoholism - your explanation. When I find reasons, real or imagined on my part, for what caused people to do the things they do, then I excuse them or I excuse myself because 'others caused me to do something'. None of that works. I can't get inside someone else's head; I can set either internal or external boundaries for me. I can only work on the right end of the horse; when I work on the wrong end of the horse, you know what I get.

My goodness, honey, that is horrible. I send you love, big hugs and prayers.

As I always say.."No relationship is better than a bad relationship.."..

Children who are not parented will learn to assign meaning to things that are not explained to them and this becomes habitual through life. Learning to accept that there are other reasons for why someone may do something has to be learned over time and separating the meaning from an act that is not socially acceptable takes time as well. Too often the attached meaning excuses or justifies based on our rational.

Excellent content, long story short, this video has really helped me clarify a situation I have experienced with a friend, been doubting myself , Thankyou. You and your work are very valuable to the world, you should be very proud of yourself x

Anna is really hitting the nail on the head here, again! Hahaha. I have a 31 year old son whom I helped get off of hard drugs. He's living on his own and taking care of himself, but refuses therapy and 12 step groups. Theres More pressure at his job now and a close friend of his got cancer that returned. He was fine when everything was close to perfect, but the boat is shaky now. I feel he should get support. It seems like he will call me....yet NEVER admits his fears ..it turns to anger, depression...food.. possibly other stuff. This is why we all need support. Individually and in groups! Thank God for ACOA,Alanon and Coda!!

PMDD is directly related to the sexual assaults - it is a very common post traumatic response to rape and sexual violence. I would suggest exploring that route with a Somatic Experience therapist or a gynecosophist who had training in trauma counseling. It can greatly help both the physical and emotional aspects of PMDD

It always shocks me how nearly every video is relatable. While it's hurtful to realize that others experience this kind of pain, I also find solace in knowing that there are others out there who have suffered and are trying to get thru their days with this pain hanging over their heads. Thank you Anna, I can't express how much your channel has helped me.

Weightlifting and running used to help me with PMDD; also helpful for PTSD and depression. Neurofeedback is helpful for ADHD, PTSD and addiction. Neurofeedback is often covered by insurance. Acupuncture and massage are also helpful.

At least the lady who wrote you about her husband's effects on her life was able to get married! All I can do is live like a hermit, alone. Despite my family I managed to get advanced degrees and a position at a national news source. All I could manage was to dress beautifully and work. I was so terrified when it turned out a large group of writers was trying to rescue me and wanted me to talk to their editor. At the elevator, I froze, and the horrible and jealous fool (they told me) I was working for became unrestrainedly cruel. I quit and only now, years later, can see what you mean, that I myself have power to shore up my life. Your videos speak to me, but when I see how many years have passed, it's hard, hard to see how I can have better.

Here's my trigger, and I'm not proud of it. When I meet someone who neglects themselves, their apartment, their car, whatever... I just start hating on them. I'm like damn, are you really this old, and you can't comb your hair? Wtf? Yeah, I have to isolate. I just do. So here I am, a tad on the OCD side, because I grew up in freaking CHAOS, and I keep meeting all these ragamuffins. The last blow was when I reunited with someone, here she comes at the airport, all rumpled clothes, all nasty. I took it personally, but then I threw her out. Really hard to take at age 60 something.

Such an important message. Thank you Anna 💯

Thank you for sharing this !

Thank you for your videos everyday, I'm trying to work my way into the daily practice/engaging myself more/better at it. I also find myself caught up in trying to decipher people I have romantic interest for then failing to have healthy boundaries and being upset when things don't go well. I'm trying to forgive myself for my mistakes and forgive these unhealthy people for their actions, mistakes and words for my peace. Its such hard work especially when I get caught up in an emotional fog in the moment.

I hope this is ok to share- I would recommend the book “Codependent no More” by Melody Beattie. ❤️

You always speak on subjects that are so apt, and with such warmth and eloquence ❤

My parents were simultaneously helicopter parents and not at all there for me. Messed me up something fierce.

i have PMDD, and my doc put me on birth control (microgestin)...apparently i'm just extremely sensitive to my own hormonal fluctuations, so taking an exogenous source of estrogen (or analog) fools my own body into not producing estrogen....really helps w the mood stability. this one hit pretty close to home. childhood sexual abuse, sexual assault in college, i'm around the same age, my father is a functional alcoholic, and i feel pretty damn sad most of the time. but i'm trying to be more social. it helps a great deal -- just being in the company of other humans. spending time in nature also has a healing / soothing effect on my soul. thanks for sharing.

my thing with the having patience for my alcoholic is he has none for my mental struggles. Its so one sided.

PMDD is more common than people think and very debilitating. It is now being said this is rooted in unresolved trauma and RTT yields successful results

Nurtured? What's that...that opening is SO ME...Always the target for conflict sideswiped..decades. I'm exhausted and have love hate relationship with others and myself

Yes Cassie stop giving away your power. Watch out for repeating behavior patterns. Focus on yourself and regulating your emotions. Boundaries are Huge especially the ones we cross against ourselves. Personal responsibility and development is a continuous aspect of attaining and retaining empowerment and spiritual/emotional congruency. Look how long it took to bring us to having so many limiting beliefs, low self worth and destructive behaviors. You've already come so far and as long as you keep going from a place of true love for self the universe will support you. ❤️

Thank you Anna, thank you.

I hope she finds somebody who can take an unbiased look at the business plan and the finances (from a distance) and give her good advice. Business ventures are so risky, even more so when you try for the first time and both the people involved have unresolved mental health issues (not judging, I have these problems myself). OP, please don't be afraid to ask for help, I've made that mistake SO many times. Looking for some community and a place where you can at least vent and listen to somebody else's set of problems as in a 12 step program often presents its own lightbulb moments because it is often illuminating even to see other people make the same mistakes. It is a lot more obvious from the outside. I wsh you all the best.

My gut feeling tells me there is also some emotional abuse and clinical depression going on, especially with raging and I do not think it is normal to cry yourself to sleep at night. There was a story of a woman written in the book called Attached that reminded me of yours, Marscha or something like this

I have PMDD with multiple health problems that compound it. I can't take anti depressants because I get serotonin syndrome. (Super dangerous!) I am working with different birth controls to stop my periods completely. I haven't found the right combo yet but when I am on bc the pmdd symptoms get better. Good luck

CoDA! its free and its worth it! you're worth it

My only suggestion is that Cassie may want to see an obgyn or endocrinologist about her pre menstrual disorder. Maybe she’d benefit from Bio-identical hormone therapy. I suggest this bc, she said she’d tried SSRIs/SRNIs. It makes me wonder if depression, etc are symptoms of a hormonal issue, which of course, antidepressants wouldn’t help. Just an idea. I’m no expert.

When I was listening to how this woman describes her husband, my reaction was that she almost certainly needs to get a divorce. There’s a difference between having issues and outright emotional abuse and neglect. Obviously I don’t know them but when there is a long-standing issue of someone begging for someone to be more understanding of an emotionally painful time and that person is not only disrespectful, but seeking to inflame her during those times- I just have no words. That type of behavior absolutely does not exist in a healthy relationship. You do not act that way with someone you care about period. You do not ignore what they need for their well being so insensitively. And then it’s clear she has a lot of guilt around how she reacts in her PMDD episodes but she also recognizes her husband purposefully triggers her and refuses to be respectful. So he is making her feel guilty for reacting when he’s emotionally toxic? Obviously she needs to be accountable for her integrity and getting help, but I can just see a dynamic where he makes her feel guilty for dragging her down. And that’s just awful. Her whole description of it is just awful. I would encourage her to find therapy and build her worth so that she knows there are good people for her out there and she doesn’t have to settle. I know it can feel so meaningful to have a functional marriage when you’ve been through trauma but it’s also important to ask, is that what you actually have? I get Anna saying you can’t put too much pressure on someone who’s addicted bc they have to have the space to heal, but it also should be emphasized that she doesn’t have to stay living with that behavior either. What I heard in this woman’s story is someone already being way too lenient. Other people would have absolutely left if they encountered someone who rages or who is so disrespectful towards you it makes you cry when you think of how kindly other husbands treat their wives. Many people would not stay through this behavior! So while he may not be able to give her what she needs, she also doesn’t deserve to have to just accept that FOR HERSELF. It sounds like they both need space to heal and maybe just focus on themselves. I also want to comment on the boomeranging where he refuses to be accountable for his issues because he says his wife does something similar. First off, two people doing a wrong doesn’t make it less wrong or your need for accountability less. And two, that’s a literal example of using her as a shield to not have to work on his issues. That means he’s using her to enable him. And maybe she’s doing the same. An unhealthy environment isn’t good for people trying to heal.

Just a few thoughts I had... We are told never to expect to change someone. We are generally assigned to accepting their behaviors or leaving them.... But when you study self-help, in particular, relationship and marital counseling, it's usually as much about changing/manipulating your partner as it is about "growth" within yourself. And this thought has left me feeling even more hopeless than I felt before... Although I have subscribed to your channel well over a year now, and I was, at first, hopeful that changing myself (shouldn't I be accepted "unconditionally"? Or is that a myth for us all? :( ) - changing myself - could help me change my partner (behaviorally). 5 months ago, my partner of the last 4 years passed away from the very thing - the ONLY THING - I ever wanted to change about him - his drug use. He passed away, alone in a "friend's" garage on a night we had plans together - it was the day after Mother's Day - a day in which 3 years ago we found out I was pregnant. I ended up miscarrying and I believe it triggered his return to drugs. Yes, so many underlying levels and layers... And I'm just sitting here thinking... The only person on this Earth that ever made me feel like I was important, special, beautiful - is dead. I'm 42 with a lot of solitude ahead of me, I guess. I feel like (and this does tie back into childhood sexual abuse and abandonment) I'm never going to let myself be close to anyone else, ever again. They would have to be like my late fiance - just naturally accepting and unwilling to try and change me. Logically, I wonder how a "drug addict" set the bar so high for me. (Please, no one take offense to my terminology,, I am just using the words I feel will help me feel most understood)... Sorry for the rambling... I just felt the need to get these thoughts down before they are forever lost in the scrambled eggs that is my mind lately... I'm not looking for replies or guidance or attention or anything... Just thought I'd ponder a little bit, since (during the reading of the letter) the author mentioned wanting change from her partner... My blessings to you all. I know we have all found ourselves here for help, healing, growth and understanding. I pray every one of you finds it. 💖

It can effect you even if you are relatively well parented but abused and or molested by a 'friend" like I was....

I'm your big fan! But "Access denied" for those from Crimea to get to your site. Anyway, I have VPN. Thank you for all you do 🙏

She should check if she's allergic to her own progesterone. I thought I had pmdd too and nothing helped until I stumbled over this autoimmune disorder. I'm taking a pill with a lot of estrogen and now I'm not out of order for half the month.

Boundaries are very important

CODA is always helpful too....

I show all signs of CPTSD but I still believe I had a very good home, loving parents growing up. Then how can trauma set in in a normal home? How can that be?

Thanks💜🌹🕊

Bawl..my h who has decided to be sober after some years after leaving me for 6 months just said during movie couch cuddle time(sober 4 months now) said so now I can move back to my buddies? Said it was a joke. So, guess he never was a good guy in my eyes that was literally the most hurtful thing ever. Living life for my joy now. 🎉 it’s just crazy how I wanted so much to see the good side but there just isn’t one this gals story is almost exactly me but 14 years married oh well sad thing I just turned off, literally don’t care about him anymore as long as he doesn’t destroy my life

Narcissistic personality Well hidden in beginning of relationship Charming and knight in shining armor presentation Red flags are ignited bc of self worth and boundaries needing to be developed and enforced Nothing is ever their fault Stop making excuses for their behavior. They will not change. Need to walk away They prey on people who are strong, intelligent (yet recovering bc that is our vulnerable area). He will keep you stuck and miserable if you don’t leave the relationship. No contact.

For her hormone issues she needs to see a naturopath to run a test on her levels. Once those were under control it was life changing.

It's not the "Be All End All" but gaba supplements and CBD can help a little with the PMDD.

I think the cptsd doesn't make me angry. It makes me feel sad

how do i submit a letter to you?

How can I write to you Anna?

At a lot of the video openings you talk about parents that did not take care of their children. I have CPTSD but my parents did spend time and care and took care of me. Others used me sexually as a small child and on so this must also be a way to have this.

I think marriage counseling would be helpful....

❤️

🙂

There are simple solutions: Divorce this man immediately. Get support, pschological and financial, there are opportunities for that. You are more powerful then you think you are, just please stop sabotaging yourself by being with a problematic man and drinking. You are still young and can get yourself together. Look good, take care of yourself. Make wise choices in your future patner. Do savings account. Let him help you. I know it is all hard, believe me. Especially without family support. You got this girl.

🙏❣️✌️

💔😪🙏🏽☮️

Or maybe the marriage is over anyway ..

Hi Anna, my "face" and I are still here...after months of being terrified of getting my face photographed, might not be a fact- for the next 2 days though I operated in a stupor with physical pain and bowels "up and down" - all I thought about was offing myself- that phrase, it is what is it...STINKS! SOME PEOPLE WOULD BE BETTER OFF DEAD.

If she still loves this man, she may just be trying to escape and blame him for what is wrong in the relationship and her life.

It's not nice to stay with someone just because you're broke.

That first letter. There is something always wrong with everyone especially the bf. I know women like this. Women who are abused always blame men and yet stays with men they aren’t happy with. They aren’t ever happy no man can make them happy. They are always looking for something bad in them. Horrible relationship to be in

Her husband is a narcissist. She needs to watch Dr. Ramani on the subject. She has an incredible RU-vid channel on everything narcissism. They do not change☹

he's blame shifting and neglecting her

Heads up, this video is pretty dysregulating.

Anna, have you heard of this book: Easy Does It Dating Guide For People in Recovery by Mary Faulkner?? Curious if you have! I need a guide! Lol 😉🤷🏼‍♀️