Yes! I didn't even learn the word limerence until about a year ago & doing so changed my life. Idk about bpd, but I know I suffered from the mental trap of limerence & (as u say) diffusing my own identity. Learning the words to describe what I experienced - and even maybe the reason(s) why I operated that way - I found very liberating. I've since redirected my focus to becoming my full self & loving my full self for who she is. The part where you mentioned feeling like you didn't exist *because* you don't exist ... Exactly that
Im freaking out. This video could not have come at a better time for me. I've never seen your channel so I have no idea how this popped up on my feed but, I'm going through a rough time right now and this is precisely what I needed to hear. I'm 30 and yesterday I was crying my eyes out because I reached out to my 'unicorn' after not having spoken for almost a year and found out she is with someone else. We live on different continents, I flew out to her 7 years ago after we met on a dating app. I was crazy in love with her. Somehow it never worked out between us but she was my first true love and I've never ever been able to feel for anyone else what I felt for her. I've had 2 long relationships with different women in the meantime but they both stranded because I broke up with them. Every girl I see I automaticaly compare to her. In my mind she is my one true love, and I'm genuinely frightened that I will never find someone that I can love more than her. I hope I can convince myself somehow that she's just some stupid obsession, but I doubt I ever could.
I don't have bpd, just diagnosed aspergus and adhd. Spent a lot of my years as a teenager alone and the transition into adulthood has been like torture (Im 25). Some pretty good advice here, I've tried to get with 3 people in my life, just got out of the third pursuit which lasted a couple months, there was a handful of reasons to stay trying to make something with this person but so many more not to, and she wasn't ready for a relationship anyway after coming out of an 8 year relationship which I found out after we got super intimate. You lose your identity on those days where you dont get a text back and you dont feel loved, you feel like the person you once were is gone and you're all alone again and it hurts like nothing else.
Jimmy, remember that trauma either splits off into emotional dysregulation, impulsive styles or the "perfectionism" styled, compulsive strategies (narcissism, ritualism, compulsion, avoidance). It's either one or the other; never both. It's great you are a healed Borderline but careful you don't do it via Perfectionism styled, compulsive styles. In other words, changing one for the other. I know many Borderlines that came out of Borderline but only to go into Narcissism, Histrionic, Avoidant, Obsessive Compulsive styles of life...which might not seem as bad but are actual complete dissociations and complete outsourced existences, whereas borderline only partially dissociates and is only partially outsourced to the partner (emotionally). Borderline is very infantile. It can't exist without a caretaker that is emotionally regulating. It can be described as a baby's emotionality or tools that a baby with do (object impermanence, Dysregulation if needs aren't met, needing care, not existing without caretaker). Whereas the perfectionism styled ones are more the toddler age and use fantasy as a way to transmute reality and engage in compulsion and other reaction formations which are fueled by an even greater type of grandiosity. In this style, Mommy issues takeover and shared fantasies (shared delusional space). Borderline can be better described as more infant-styled and Daddy issues and she fantasizes her self within the relationship - it's more of a self fantasy with a relationship as opposed to a shared fantasy.
This is a stupid comment. No one can turn into a narcissist if this state or personality didn’t exist in their childhood development. They may have been covert narcissists and now they are only showing it more
@@randcurrymandy not at all - they're considered a specific cluster for a reason. You can oscillate between two disorders or defect entirely from one to another. They are recursive as a Cluster with Borderline at the base. Kernberg was the first to suggest that Narcissism is a defense against Borderline - and it very well is. But not only Narcissism - all the other styles/personality disorder jump off from it. The individual post traumatic state is Borderline but chooses to focus on one and enters that new paradigm (self state) and way of life as that specific disorder. I suggest the works of Kernberg, Kohut, Fairbairn and Millon.
I’ve been in therapy for my bpd for 2 years now and my recent dating situation has made me feel like I have learned nothing… feeling so lost and as if it will never get better. I genuinely feel like I’ll never be in a healthy stable relationship
You're right. I think about it a lot lately, discovering myself and the concept of limerence. It helped understand a lot of things and heal. Thank you for your insight, I'm happy to see your progress. Great tattoos btw!!!
Thank you for this golden info. I’ll I hope people see your comment and approach therapy appropriately. I sometimes forget that this disorder goes multiple ways so you’re a goat 🖤
dont we all stick to different kinds of fiction to make some sense of our otherwise pointless lifes? while i totally see the point of this video and i suppose ive been there aswell, i also think its important to realize the position this sort of psychological selfanalysis might get one into. a sort of bypassing your initial emotions in reflecting about them as faulty or total delusions even, behind wich there are more "real" or adequate ones to be figured out. while in one moment this might be very useful, it might also create a sort of climate in ones psyche/thinking process that makes it hard to find, feel, recognize or value love in others. even outside of bpd driven delusion. i dont even think thats the point your trying to make here but i personally feel like its generally not about getting rid of fictions about certain people/relationships and finding realitiy (defined as the opposite, or absence of fic) but recognizing the good from the bad ones. the liveable from the destructive. we need the phantasies and giving them up to the sort of rationalized reality we are living in nowadays is giving into a destructive myth itself... find out the good, it may be very small and hard to see, but you can feel it in your heart, recognize it and build on it
No, not to an extreme degree anyone. Most people live in a fact based existence and they are able to reality test and discern the external world from their internal world and separate the self from external sources. They don't believe their feelings are facts and their reality doesn't change with their feelings. Love bombing is not giving it's taking. It involves boundary violations and the objectification of the other person, who is being to make the narcissist feel good. It's manipulation and theres no giving involved in manipulation at all. Flattery is not giving. Controlling someone is not giving. Violating boundaries is not giving. . Venting is not intimacy. Lying or making up problems to prey on the sympathy of others is not intimacy. Creating flying monkeys by engaging in smear campaigns is not intimacy. Love bombing is a bombardment of totally inappropriate, extreme, grandiose and boundary violating behaviour. Love-bombing and idealization are just as unhealthy as the rest of the relationship with a narcissistic person. It's not even really about whether it's real or it's not real, although many times it is just a manipulation. No matter what, this kind of extreme behavior is the sign of a toxic and/or dysregulated person. Narcissists devalue and discard for the same reason they idealize and love-bomb: because they are the only ones that matter. idealization feels good and it's usually that idealized image they had of us that we fell in love with and don't want to lose. It is a massive component of these relationships - regardless of whether they are family or romantic. When the narcissist's perfect, idealized image of you lines up with your perfect, idealized image of yourself, you feel like you're being seen in a way you were never seen before, and it's very hard to let go of that. Narcissists attack other people's sense of self relentlessly. Even during love bombing and idealization, they are not seeing you for who you are or allowing you to be that. They are reacting to a false image of you that they have created in their minds. At no point in the relationship are you seen for who and what you are, or are you allowed to be that. You are TOLD what these things are - constantly. The victim becomes addicted to the drama a chaos not the narcissist. Drama and chaos work much the same way in the brain as opiates. Narcissists are also addicted to this. Another thing is, when you stop participating in the drama cycle, the narcissist continues on the script as if you are still reacting. This is often when you clearly see how disordered the person truly is, and how little any of it has to do with you and what you do. When people do this, they can often see how little they were even being heard, let alone somehow influencing or controlling the narcissist's behavior.. They are having a relationship with their fantasy of you and you are having a relationship with their fantasy of themselves. Their fantasy of themselves becomes your fantasy of them and then nobody in the relationship is accepting or even seeing the other person for who they really are. In order to truly care about somebody you have to see them for who they really are. in all phases of the cycle of the relationship the narcissistic person sees a fantasy projection of you. when their fantasy projection of you lines up with your idealized self you will believe they are seeing you as you truly are, that's the trap. The idealization that occurs in a healthy relationship is nowhere near as extreme as what happens in narcissistic relationships. The reality of people is not completely different from what you see or what is projected of them. In healthy relationships when people find out that the other person is not as perfect as they thought they were they're able to adjust to that and still have a relationship. This does not happen in relationships with narcissistic people. The discovery that you are not perfect and neither are they is devastating for them. The idealised and devalued images they have can never be brought together into a more realistic cohesive picture of a person due to the narcissistic personalities cognitive distortions and inability to understand whole object relations. They think in black and white terms and narcissists are very extreme, it's one or the other and if you're one you're the best one of that and if you're the other you're the worst one of that. They will continue to have one completely negative image of you and one completely positive image of you that they simply alternate between back and forth based on how they feel in any moment. Idealization occurs in part because narcissists are so fragile so grandiose and so envious that they can only attach themselves to things that are viewed as perfect somehow so as to benefit in some way by associatio....anything that makes them feel good will be idealized. Devaluation occurs in part because narcissists are so fragile have so much shame and think so low of themselves that the only way they can feel as though they're betterthan somebody is that the person has to have no redeeming qualities whatsoever anything which makes them feel bad will be devalued. When we can understand that we can start to disengage ourselves from caring about their opinions of us because the reality is that's all this is. No matter how cruel and horrible, no matter how damaging and hurtful and upsetting the things that they say really are all it boils down to is an opinion. This is the ridiculous unrealistic opinion of a person who is essentially delusional, who cannot live in reality, who does not understand what it means to be human even though they are on,e who has never seen you or anyone else including themselves for who they actually are ever. Their opinion of you is worth nothing in that regard. It's not based on anything except the stilted, rigid distorted way they view the world through their own distorted rigid feelings and beliefs. It's not a fact, it might not even be how they feel in 10 minutes from now. It's not based in reality at all and considering the truly limited understanding most of these personalities have regarding the World At Large you might as well be attaching serious importance to the opinion of a toddler. The more realistically you are able to see yourself the more you are able to really understand what you are and also what you're not, the more you're able to remind yourself of what you're actually dealing with here the more clearly you'll be able to see all of this and then it won't be able to affect you anymore because you'll be able to see it for what it is. Get to a place where the toxic ego manipulation perpetuated by a narcissistic person is no longer effective on you. You don't need other people to see you as perfect or flawless or anything like that.Be okay with who you are and it's okay that they don't see you that way. Narcissists and other toxic people cannot take the responsibility for their behavior, emotions, choices or anything else. They cannot take responsibility for the ways their lives end up or how things go for them. Many don't even seem able to see or understand the connection between their choices and the outcomes or consequences, and they are certainly not willing to learn. They need other people to blame all of this on so they can avoid the crushing shame of not being perfect. This may or may not be a conscious thing; many narcissists are so disconnected from their emotions that they may not even realize why they are blaming others. They are just doing what they feel they need to in order to get by. For narcissistic people taking accountability feels like blame. They can't own their choices or their actions because they don't act they react, therefore their behavior is always someone else's fault. I'm just reacting to you the fact that their reaction is a choice. their choice and one that is completely and totally their responsibility is not addressed, It's probably not even understood. If it is understood it's not important. What's important is that they are not to blame ever for anything. They don't really think there should be any consequences for them anyway, they've suffered enough or they're special or they're otherwise immune somehow and any consequences that they find painful unpleasant or that they don't like are considered unfair. They will attack and abuse you for being upset that they did something wrong. Even their apologies take no accountability whatsoever. They will often be vague or blanket statements such as well I'm sorry I was being a jerk or I'm sorry I was out of control. They will often feign ignorance such as saying oh "I don't even remember" what all I said or "I don't remember doing that but I'm sure you're right" or they will flat-out refuse to discuss the specifics of their behavior and even if they do discuss it there will be excuses, justifications and reasons why it was not really their, fault not really wrong, not really a big deal. Accountability is not given it's taken and because often others are trying to give it to them and they don't want to take it it feels like blame. Blame is the Siamese twin of shame which is too pathologically narcissistic person's mortal enemy. They will fight any and all blame for any and all things with every breath in their body. This is a pathological defense mechanism so ingrained into them that it's like a reflex. Trying to make them understand accountability or their behavior doesn't help either. They don't want to do it. understanding would mean that they would have to care about the pain of other people and worse it would mean having to face the fact that they did something wrong. If it happen if it does happen it won't last.
This video just came onto my feed and .. Idk but youve said something ive tried to kind of understand for months now. I had a breakup last October and I tried to rekindle it , it wasnt a bad relationship, she just left to work on herself. And A part of me does understand that the relationship was a part of the problem for her in that case. It gave me this sense of betrayal or like a sense of I wasnt good enough to support her in her very complex issues even though knowing about them for 3 years. But I started working on myself because like you said when it ended i didnt kno who I was, I existed with her, no where else. And ive had this quest for the unicorn of love now for my whole life and only now as 30 im seeing it as like the delusion it is. I can see it somedays and somedays i fall int of a pit of despair and I feel unloveable and alone. I didnt know about this concept of Limmerence at all, so thank you from the random algorithm , to you making this video. I truely needed to hear this . Maybe I can and hopefully there is hope for a functioning "NON DELUSIONAL" relationship for me in the future haha
This whole concept of doing x to regulate emotions is a trap. It is not really a helpful concept as it obfuscates the depth of the hurt the trauma has caused. So is "bpd". Childhood trauma in itself is a much more valuable concept that simply envelops a person in trouble judging and relating to people around them. This doesn't mean that their feelings are false. That one doesn't love, even if that love has a shallow basis doesn't mean it is shallow initself. It is a love based on hope more than reality. It happens to everyone, and is part of love, or falling in love for everyone. Only a person with childhood trauma has a much harder time of seeing it through or knowing when to leave due to red flags etc... I'm rambling. But I have seen this for such a long time now, these videos with rules, rules, rules, rules on what "real love" is in relation to borderline or narcissism. I don't know, it just leaves me with a void inside because it negates my every feeling - and my feelings ARE true. Taking a person's truth away from them isn't helpful or healthy. Encourage more to listen to that inner voice, what it needs, what it wants, what it fears, and ask in what way that voice can be heard and acted upon in a healthy way... Daniel Mackler is great at this perspective I am having a very hard time of conveying.
I may or may not have BPD, my ex most definitely does have it badly and is undiagnosed and in utter denial. One thing I can say is that you are very self aware and that's a great accomplishment mate. Love to see it!
What I learned the hard way is that We even go above and beyond to save others too if needed. But in the end we can always only save ourselves and help others on their journey. Sometimes it is best to be that magical unicorn for ourselves instead of keeping that condition of surpressing what we truly are or can be - only "problem" is to learn to accept that what we might consider love will not even remotely be reflected by others (even if we learn to stop idealizing others).
Just turned 30 this year and Ive been chasing the unicorn all my life. I've never been diagnosed with anything other than Aspergers when I was 10 and I've never considered BPD as something I may have, but this video found me for a reason and I'm glad you make this content.
My toxic relationship with my lowkey toxic ex girlfriend ended after my dad sent me an article on limerance. It provided me with such clarity and I ended the relationship not long after that. Now, I'm happier than ever. Self respect above all. Well articulated video
Not accepting a partner to cheat on us is what I think is a reasonable old boundary. When I think of ‘conditional love’ (and this is from experience) it is love that is only given based upon certain criteria at any given moment. Basically only if you are how they want you to be like to them or would approve of, only when you constantly fit their perfect idea of how they think you be, do, and act. Love is made out to be something to constantly tally up points for or to constantly win over like it’s the hunger games, and if you should miss the mark, then they’ll alienate you and make you feel unloved or unworthy/unwanted. But that’s just from my experience.
Everything is conditioned, even love no matter what type is. No one can love someone else unconditionally but most people don't go as deep to understand this concept
Hey there! Listen, it's not always you who's the issue when things go wrong. Sometimes, it's the other people involved. We tend to blame ourselves for various problems, associating ourselves with various mental disorders but that's not always the case. People can be a problem, and they can mess up the messages they send us, which can leave us feeling confused which is normal. If you stay around people like that for too long, it can really mess with your mental health. Some relations, some people must be cut off for us to remain at peace and maintain a healthy mind. If you didn't get love from outside, don't look for it. Treat yourself, love yourself. Be number 1 for yourself. People are shit, thats the sad truth.
Jimmy, I personally love this video because now looking up the word limerence, I do have aspects of that in my relationship, however I do love them, I am willing to compromise, I am willing to accept them for their flaws, it’s actually something they said was different then they ever had, yet I do feel times were I overthink because they don’t reciprocate energy in a way I’d like, not saying they don’t reciprocate energies they just don’t do it in a way I want them to, I do believe I have limerence, yet I’m 100% sure I’m in love with this person can you give me anymore guidance from you thinking, or anyone reading this, thanks.
When did living and consciousness become so hard? Shows you the core value of emotions are priceless. But a lot of our own suffering comes from not being able to differentiate our thoughts from our emotions. That’s where spirituality comes in to level our human experience so we can realize we ARE NOT THIS CYCLE OF SUFFERING. The mind is a powerful tool and without understanding and keeping yourself in balance it’s so easy to loose yourself in all these ideas of “mental illness” trying to piece together pieces in your mind of how you should be. Sure we need an idea in ourselves of what “normal” is but Turn to God he’ll show you what “normal” is. Our human perception and scope is so limited to the nature of reality. That’s why we are always trying to piece things together in our minds. This world is in dire need of some enlightenment
Hi, 34M here...had a breakup a week ago from a 13 year relationship, moved back to my home country...now alone....obviously going through a shit-ton of phases. Just wanted to let you know that in all my lifetime of subscribing to channels - yours is the first one I actually used the bell notification button. Thank you for the work you´re doing - it actually saves lives. Looking forward for that bell to ring.
Bruv you are lucky breaking up at 34. It could‘ve been worse if you were older. You are now in your best years as a man. Take care of yourself and enjoy your new freedom. Don’t rush into a new relationship, instead take time to know yourself more, cultivate some peace of mind. Sure you can enjoy the company of nice and peacful women but don’t be cuffed too fast. Just my 2 cents
@@RayzorSOS You are welcome. I’ve been there and the best is ahead of you. I know 13 years is long but you will overcome it, don’t worry. There are way more beautiful and nice women ou there. Forgive her and never look back
damn. seems like i actually love/loved her. didn´t see her in almost a year now but still thinking about her constantly. am i obsessed or actually in love ? yes i have BPD and yes ive been diagnosed after the breakup. its so hard to swallow so much "tough pills" and admit how much i contributed to the breakup. sry for venting, love you bye.
the fact that you haven’t seen her in a year tells me you aren’t feeling love. she isn’t the person you once knew anymore, and yet you are still in love with a version of her that doesn’t actually exist. in a genuine in loving relationship, both sides can effectively move on without feeling those lingering feelings of intense attachment even so long after ending things. i’ve been there :(
@@ollivideos24 thank you so much for the input ! I´ts hard for me to express and feel "Love" in the first place. You just gave me confirmation that it indeed was/is attachment and or Trauma bond. And funny enough, i know that the version of her i think of doesnt exist anymore. Cant describe the weight you just took of my shoulders ^^ . I just hope i´ll be able to let go for good soon. any tips except the usual "work on yourself" (which is super valid btw).
@@andiXD1990 in all honesty, the only way to effectively move on is to work on yourself. but what you may not know is that there’s a bunch of ways you can do this. overcoming attachment/limerence becomes much easier the more you give yourself reality checks, when you catch yourself mentally creating a story of your ex and fantasizing about some unreal version of them and you, gently remind yourself this is not reality, and this is not real/ever going to happen. it hurts at first but you need to constantly do this in order to overcome that denial stage and accept that they’re really gone. remember that you don’t know who they are anymore nor how they feel about you/will feel about you in the future. then you have to actually work on moving on, which means really looking at yourself and your feelings and where they are coming from. you gotta work those feelings out and sit with them. tell yourself when you’re experiencing difficult emotions that you’re surviving it. just keep being there for yourself. nobody can truly help you overcome these feelings except you, because they are mostly created by you.
@@andiXD1990 honestly the only way to truly get over limerence/attachment is to work on yourself. but there are different ways and areas in which you can do this. for me, in order to completely erase the limerence and fantasizing that i had, i started to give myself constant reality checks. meaning that the moment i felt myself slipping back into those limerent thoughts, whether it was about idealizing him and our lives together or just thinking back on the good memories/ ignoring bad memories, i stopped myself and literally told myself out loud “he’s moved on. it’s over. i have to let go.” because by playing into those thoughts, you’re enabling your fantasy to continue, despite it being vastly different from reality, and what you want is to be in reality and not in limerence. another thing you can do is reflect on why you had this sense of limerence in the first place. is there something in your life that you are missing? think back to your childhood and consider what you may have been trying to fulfill through your limerent thoughts. the best thing you can do is stop putting this person on a pedestal and accept that they aren’t in your life anymore, and that you are capable of having a fulfilling life without them.
Can you feel limerance towards someone you've been friends with for a while? I feel like I knew this person before I started feeling this way so it's confusing
Interesting so you don't believe in "soul ties"? Or a spiritual reason that you attract those relationships to get conscious and heal? So would you separate this spiritual believe system totally from the psychological understanding of self soothing trough limerence?
for example when someone is in limerence over me I can feel it, like I can feel their energy or longing its hard to explain and Yes I have proof also that they are, but this happened afterwards:)
I've never heard of that. I'm trying to get solid closure for my situation: there's this kid I met on the first day of school, and I instantly fell head over heels for this loser. He left the school after the semester ended. After almost a year, I discovered he's an alcohol addict and has an addiction with smoking a lot of cigars in a day. Plus, he got a gf. My feelings for him somehow remained, and it's been a total of almost 3 years since I last saw him. My sister keeps reassuring me by telling me what I think is a complete and utter spew of nonsense - that all those posts on his insta account in which I found all that out about him were delusions in another simulation. She's saying none of it's real and it's just a living thought of these "made-up" actions. She said that the real lumerence here is the fact of all this "fakery" I'm viewing. I really don't believe her and it's only making things worse. She said she'd prove it by messaging him on a finsta acc but never did. It's been 2 days and I haven't brought it up, but I think if she truly meant it, then there wouldn't be a need for reminders, right? And after reading this comment, now I'm curious to know that maybe he's feeling it too since despite all these troubles, I still feel this way about him after all these years. But I doubt it because why would he get a gf if this was true? I hope you have an amazing day and learn to conquer whatever it is you're going through. 💛
