I agree that it is VERY important to have a sense of humor while living with an ostomy. My sister once told me I was full of crap and I uncontrollably replied, "no, but my pouch is", to which everyone laughed.
You know when you have an ostomy when u at the movies and you pouch wont stop talking through out the movie. You know you have an ostomy when your dog lays on your belly waiting for you to fall asleep. You know when you have an ostomy because you can't stop burping and it not through your mouth.
Haha oh my gosh, I do this with broccoli and carrots all the time. You know you have an ostomy when you know when you eat different food colors your poop will look like tie dye when it comes out.
You know you have an ostomy when you have a leak but it's not your car. You know you have an ostomy when every other day, you look down and think, man, what now?! You know you have an ostomy when you think that show Hoarders might do a story on you because of your endless medical supply collection. You know you have an ostomy when you're the only one in your family that has a body part that talks back.
If you've ever found yourself about to buy a pack of charmin toilet paper and then ask yourself why you are paying extra money for premium toilet paper. If you refuse to pitch in on the toilet paper budget for the household. If you avoid eating less than a few hours before bed time, not for health reasons, but because you just don't want to clean the mess up in the morning.
You know you have an ostomy when that "pull my finger" joke just never works anymore. You know you have an ostomy when your underwear isn't that scary anymore but your shirt can be. You know you have an ostomy when you think of all that money you'll save on toilet paper, then it turns out to be a lie. You know you have an ostomy when someone tells you that you're ... ahem... is showing but it has nothing to do with your pants.
If you find you are the only person you know who still uses rubber sheets on your bed. If you've ever pooped in the shower. If you've ever pooped on someone. If you've ever searched the internet for colostomy bag fetish forums in search of a girlfriend without thinking about how completely psycho she is gonna be.
You know you have an ostomy when you keep wondering whether your pouch is secure but you're not thinking of purse snatchers. You know you have an ostomy when you look like you're searching your keys in your pants but you're really checking for leaks. You know you have an ostomy when you get of bed like a pregnant woman because you have a full pouch. You know you have an ostomy when you say "I had an accident" just way too much.
You know you have an ostomy when you're annoyed by someone burping at the movies but it turns out to be your stoma. You know you have an ostomy when your favorite magazine is The Phoenix even though you couldn't care less about Arizona. You know you have an ostomy when your dog seems to like you for whole new reasons. Eww! You know you have an ostomy when Hollister is no longer just a clothing store to you.
If you did eat just a few hours before bedtime and you find yourself yelling at your stomach to hurry up and digest because you are late for your bedtime. If you've ever driven a couple hundred miles home in your underwear while the clothes that were perfectly clean earlier that day are now in a plastic bag in the trunk.
If you felt sad because there are no colostomy bag fetish forums on the internet. If your underwear is more than a week old and still clean. If you've ever rationalized wearing the same underwear for long periods of time because they just don't have to stand up to the crap that other people's underwear does. If you've ever pooped in plain sight of the public and noone knew what you were doing. If you've ever "missed" and subsequently had to throw away a perfectly good pair of shoes.
You know you have UC, when you seem have met everyone at the hospital but you don't even work there. You know you have UC, when you start thinking, yup, I know more than that guy and it's your doctor. You know you have ostomy when life seems so much sweeter and all you had to do was give up your colon. You know you have an IBD and an ostomy, when just about nothing else seems scary. You know you have an ostomy when most of the companies you're interested in begin with ostom-, stoma-, or colo-.
Hi, My name is Carla, I´m from Argentina...Sorry my English is messy.:( I heard your story and I can't belive it! I went through all the same things...I have ulcerative colitis and four months ago i had total colectomy because I tried everything and nothing worked out. I am really happy now, because i can do things 2 years ago i wasn't able to, sports for example. I still have the second surgery but i'm having problems with my rectum...apparently disease is still active in that little piece,
I've come up with loads of these since being diagnosed! -When your stomach makes Predator noises in awkward silences -You are a connoisseur of fine public bathrooms -You take more pills than your grandparents, and have more difficulty using the bathroom -(Men) forget how it feels to stand up to pee, and feel sweet freedom when you do
"You know you have an Ostomy when you no longer shit your pants, you shit your shirt." Lol, sorry, my friend said something about "shitting my pants" the other day and I came back with "I can't shit my pants but I can shit my shirt!"
You know you have an ostomy when skin care has something to do with your abdomen instead of your face. You know you have an ostomy when you're one of the few that will save a fortune buying generic loperamide instead of Imodium A-D. You know you have IBD when you start to think how you would tell a loved one, "I'm looking for a donor. Don't worry, I don't need an organ transplant like a colon. I need a fecal transplant."
These are all of my you might be an ostomate if jokes that I wrote a few years ago so.. You might be an ostomate if: If you've considered constructing a colon from PVC pipe. If you not only have a surgeon but you're on a first name basis with him. If you've ever bragged about the number of staples you've had in your belly. If you know what your small intestine looks like.
You know you have an ostomy when you're the only lawyer at your firm that isn't full of crap. (Because it's in the pouch, see? And yes, I am a lawyer. That joke might work with other professions). You know you have an ostomy when you're a guy yet you shop for bags and pouches. You know you have an ostomy when fashion leaders include names like ostomystory, cs pouch covers, and stomaplex. You know you have an ostomy when you carry a bag with clothing everywhere but you're not going anywhere.
You know you have good friends when they tell you that you need to go to the bathroom. (I know - not the same type of thing, but my friends seem to enjoy telling me this...)
Hmm, I'm going to insult Arizona residents including my sister who lives in Phoenix with one of those jokes. How about instead ... You know you have an Ostomy when you constantly read The Phoenix magazine but still haven't learned anything about Arizona.
"If you don't care how much hot sauce they put in your burrito cause firehole just isn't an issue" I avoided spicy food with my IDB because of that... is it really "painless" with a stoma? I can't wait :) 9 more days until I get mine.
