You need to learn how to disappoint people 

Most of us are going to have to disappoint our parents at some point. Especially when it comes to independence. It’s common for parents to become overprotective or over reliant. Where they don’t recognise that you’re an independent individual who needs to grow and explore life. So when it’s time to tell them that you need independence, you’re going to get pushback. Whether it’s moving out, needing more privacy, more time to yourself, more control in decision making about your life, building your own finances… You might get reactions that go from anger to guilt tripping. “What about me? You don’t care about me. How am I supposed to do this on my own” “After all I’ve done. You’re so ungrateful.” “I’m your parent, so what I says goes” “Fine, do whatever you want. I don’t know why I expect you you to care.” “All I want is to feel appreciated, and you treat me like I don’t matter” This is how to disappoint terribly: You go into these conversations without a plan. You expect or even hope for them to understand (you don’t control outcomes), so when they throw back anger or guilt trip you, you’re left emotional and vulnerable. So you reactively try to negotiate and explain that you don’t want to hurt them, and try to make them see that just because you need independence, does not mean you don’t love and care for them. You try to change their mind about you. But that goes nowhere. So you end the conversation with no meaningful conclusion, or some compromise. Only to find yourself having the same fight in a few weeks when even the compromised solution goes back to what it originally was. To disappoint well, this is how you need to approach it: Prepare yourself emotionally and have a good understanding of what’s at stake before opening a conversation. Once you’re ready, explain to your parents what you need, why you need it, what you think they might feel, and show them that you’ve thought about their side, but why this needs to happen regardless. You might get angry or guilt tripping responses claiming that you don’t care about them, or all you think about is yourself. It’s important you don’t try to negotiate here. Because you KNOW that you love them. They FEEL like you don’t. You’re aware that this negative reaction stems from not wanting to be alone, feeling like they’re losing control of you - neither of which are healthy. Address their concerns, but remain firm on what you need. You know it’s on you to show them that they can be self-reliant and that it’s not healthy to control you. Don’t negotiate to try to ease their pain. Let them be upset, let them know you love them, and allow them to feel their feelings. Which is tough since oftentimes many hurtful things will be hurled at you. If they refuse or try to get in the way, it’s important you draw firm boundaries. “If you’re going to create a big mess every time I leave the house, I’m going to have to distance myself from you, because you’re hurting me. Which I really don’t want to do, because I love you.” On the outside, most of these conversations ended terribly. Your parents are upset. But they were always going to be upset, as long as you were asking for independence. But ultimately, you didn’t compromise on what you needed. You recognise that their response is unhealthy and you need to give them tough love so they could possibly grow. You know that it’s either that you’re stuck and they’re unhealthy, or you’re fulfilled and they’re unhappy. You know exactly which between the two is the right one. The same goes for ending friendships or relationships. If you know what needs to be done, and you believe it’s the healthiest thing to do, then you make that decision clearly and have the strength to tolerate insults or misunderstandings being thrown at you.

Life changing, thank you!!

Thank you for this video !

It’s so interesting that this video popped up now for me. My situation is not exactly the ones you mention; i just received the diagnosis of a condition that I know my parents will have a super hard time accepting or believing if they ever do at all. I’ve tried to approach the subject and get the feel for how my mom would react, and it was terrible. I might or might not disappoint them, but negative reactions are definitely at steak here, guilt too. You mentioned that you have to be strong to be able to sit with whatever their reactions are and not try to renegotiate - in this case, they would tell me to get a second opinion from another doctor, and deny it, and say that they would’ve known. I could appease them and tell them it’s not their fault, which is true, but they might still react negatively. What I take from this video is that I might not be strong enough just yet to deal with their reaction because my confidence regarding this condition is just beginning to be created right now. I will take it to heart and be extremely hurt with their reaction. So thank you, Asha, for giving me some clarity on this subject!

Good advice. I would say it only applies to agreeable/highly agreeable people, though. But this is the path I eventually took, having been neglected as a child.

Fantastic video. Learnt so much❤ thank you!!

Thank you so much for this❤.

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For me the whole problem is I have no idea what I should strive for anymore. Some told me it was the be the happiest i could be, others about service to humanity........like I have no barometer to gauge even the simplest of close relationships and how to deal with them......because I have no north. I wonder sometimes, if who set up this experience even HAS an answer to these questions.....or it's all just quasi-random.......like a VAGUE sense of "be happy and help others"......but in the real world you are constantlly faced with the question of putting yourself first or others....I have NO freaking clue anymore. I don't know what the game is about, or what the end goal is.

😭😭❤️‍🔥 good video