7-Day Free Trial: university.per... attachment.per... In this video we'll discuss the attachment style test. I'll give you some critical information for analyzing your results, and determining what the test means for you! Enjoy :)
I feel like (including my therapist) that there isn't technically anything wrong with people/what to fix. Ofc there are behaviors that can cross the line, but i feel like in this context it's a matter of accepting one's human imperfections and learning how to live with them in a way while evolving when switching behaviors.
I love the detail and breakdown, but in the final analysis, I would say we’re trying to make 3 dimensional chess out of a checkers games. People are letting things that happened to them and their beliefs about some presumably irreversible impact, be their identity. For me, these constructs melt away when you take on your true identity ✝️
Sent ex gf (DA w massive life trauma, but she looks like a rockstar professional) a note Sunday night saying I think i understand her now, and owe her an apology, after “someone” (videos here) helped me understand… This morning… served a no contact restraining order!!! I was relieved- guess that answers my attempt to try and repair what she so easily dismissed…
True story: yesterday I was thinking "oh I wish Thais could just make a constructive overview of all the attachment styles so I can send this to people as an introduction" .... et voila! ✨💫❤️ :)
My parents were absolutely amazing. I felt and still feel complete openness and trust with them. No fear of abandonment at all. They are happily married still, and their relationship is rock solid. They are best friends. The closest thing to a problem I had from my parents was my mother being severely depressed and medicated during one segment of my childhood. I remember at around 8 or 9 years old worrying that she would commit suicide. Thankfully, she got better, so that was only for a short time. I think what destroyed my ability to form attachments was bullying. I was relentlessly bullied between 3rd-8th grades. The worst years were 4th and 5th. During those two years, I had zero friends. The only "friends" I had were girls who only pretended to be nice to me in order to make fun of me in more unique ways and to get me to break school rules. I was so desperate for any kind of acceptance that I made myself think they were my friends. Now in the current day, I have a difficulty with being overly clingy / jealous / insecure when it comes to friends and loves ones I already have (which I have to force myself to suppress most of the time). And I have another issue where I keep people at arms length when trying to make new relationships. I haven't made new friends or meaningful relationships of any kind in 15 years. I used to think I'd overcome my trauma from my school bullying, but clearly I haven't. I just don't really know what to do about it...
I think it’s wonderful that you have the core basis of security with your parents and family life. The social trauma is secondary to that. So it was formed later. I am a firm believer that our first experiences are deeper and can override any later experiences. For example, I have a theory that I put into practice regarding this… I overcame addiction using this method… My early childhood gratification system was met with art and dance. It was my first reward programming. Later in life, I used certain types of drugs to satisfy my reward system … I decided 25 years after becoming an addict, to quit and then replace it again with my early reward system. So essentially I overcame drugs with art and dance. Long story short, draw on your early security. To override the secondary programming. I’m not quite sure how that would look in your case, but I think you may understand what I’m trying to say :-) love and light to you my friend!
Secure!!!! Thanks to years of work with your videos and those of many other amazing people. I spent years being anxious then fearful avoidant . I thank you so much!🥰
64% Secure 27% Dismissive avoidant 0% Anxious preoccupied 9% Fearful avoidant Coming from someone who was predominantly FA. Thanks Thais! Love your work and dedication.
Figuring out I'm a fa was the single most important part of my adult life. Before all this I looked into mental health disorders and obsessively studied psychology never understand why. I didn't realize research to be prepared to predict to feel safe was the actual reason. People misunderstand and believe at time I'm coming across as co descending when in reality I'm more understanding than even I wanna be. It was me myself I didn't understand now I do.
Hi! I’m brand new here. I have a feeling I’m mostly dismissive, but I’m going to follow the link to be sure. How did you make progress? I’ve always felt like I’m permanently broken and I just have to deal with this person I am and basically hate being forever.
@@chelseahurst8094 I have been seeing a trauma informed, attatchment based therapist for almost a year and a half, as well as attending group therapy and doing my own work on self compassion and pattern interruption. And it is work! But it can be done. 💜
@@onacourtright-goheen2036 That is amazing! I’m so happy for you. It’s wonderful to know there’s hope and my heart feels so happy knowing that you’re healing. 💕 I’ve tried a couple therapists this year, but they all seem like they’re just making a check. They talk to me and say the most simple things that I’ve figured out on my own for the most part. I don’t know how to go about finding someone who can dig deeper and really help heal me. So far I’ve been told to count to 10 and meditate. Like alright cool, but I know those things already. 🤦🏼♀️
Worked with the leading twin psychologists in the country for years, Dr. Barbara Klein. Learned so much about attachment, amongst a plethora of other life changing realization and understanding. Will leave it at that. Will always battle XYZ (no details here), but it’s all about acceptance.
I've learned from the test that I am dismissive -avoidant. I can say with complete confidence that it is the single most accurate thing I have ever read about myself, ever. It's great to have some kind of closure!
On Your test I got 24% on dismissive, fearful avoidant, secure and 29% anxious preoccupied. Does that make me disorganised because it’s basically the same for all of them?? I’d think I’d found the one I related to the most with each one you described...I will say, this video has made me Realise I feel like I’m dismissive with my father, fearful avoidant with my mum and anxious with my friendships and romantic partners. Is that also normal?? Getting my head around attachment theory has been revolutionary for my mental health. And Your videos have been THE most relatable and easiest to understand. You describe everything so well. So thank you for your clear articulation, I’m finally learning to understand myself in a way I never knew I could.
Thank you so much for your videos! I have been doing a lot of internal work on myself and finding out that as a fearful, avoidant disorganized attachment person. I’m really good at destroying my relationships. I’m currently in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant, which is what led me to finding out more about attachment style. Not only is it helping me but it’s also helping my boyfriend.❤
Love how detailed you went into each attachment style! Thank you! 💕 I recently learned about gaslighting and am interested to know whether any attachment styles are more inclined to exhibit it. It'd be great if you could do a video about it!
Thais, thank you. I've been watching some of your videos over the last few days and I'm beginning to feel my progress exponentiate. This information, in tandem with your own experience, is helping me grow beyond the cocoon I've been hiding in throughout my 26 years. I know I have a long way to go, but what you've provided on your channel alone is serving as a next-level launch pad for me and my words in a YT comment could never capture the expanse of what that means to me. From the bottom of my heart and the (now-forming) top of my mind, thank you.
I first tested equal thirds in each attachment style with 5% secure. So Twister 🤣 As I do the work and try to honestly retest, I found that anxious preoccupied fell away first and most easily. I have done the most work in the fearful avoidant area, as it edged out my other scores. I recently retested, and it has gone way down. I’m finding my dismissive avoidant tendencies the most tenacious and difficult to overcome, due to my childhood. It has opened up a lot of sub/unconscious wounds leading to more self- awareness. It’s an exhausting process, and I’ve put dating on hold for now. I can’t remember where or how I found Thais and PDS (here on YT somehow), but it will shape the rest of my life. It’s the most worthwhile thing I will have ever done for myself. I’m eternally grateful.
Ok I just realized something watching this My parents did not alienate each other, but the person who was with me the most was my grandpa and he and my dad would talk badly about each other.
I refer my clients to your school, book and videos all the time. Thank you for making this information so accessible and understandable to the average person...and cost effective for those who struggle financially as well. You and your team are making a huge difference in many lives. Please continue sharing your knowledge with such kindness and compassion.
The DMM model of attachment refers to the types as strategies, rather than styles, since all of them are adaptive means for an infant or young child to get its needs met from its caregiver. This is particularly distinct with the FA/Disorganized attachment, which is referred to in the DMM model as the "integrated AC strategy." It's worthwhile to listen to why this distinction matters. I recommend the long-form description on Heidi Priebe's channel.
My mom has mental illnesses. And I seen how she is with other kids and what she was like with me and how she is with her "step daughter" and its awful. Whenever I had an emotion she would scream at me and tell me she will make something real go cry about. If I was mad i wasn't allowed to me. She would come home angry and yell at me and my dad and she thought her excuse of having a bad work day was a fine to act that way. I would wake up in the morning each morning to her rushing and slamming doors n yelling at me. Or rushing at the store dragging me around n telling me to hurry. She usually would have her fists in a bunch and a tight jaw. She would scream at me "WHATS WRONG WITH YOU!!?" All the time. But then other times when she needed love she would let me have my emotions and cuddle with me and laugh n play with me.
BPD "rage monster" mom and more or less absent dad. My childhood was either really great or a complete nightmare. Was also a severely bullied kid in school and now struggle with cPTSD from family or origin and the bullying. Definitely a perfect recipe for Anxious Preoccupied attachment. I've spent my whole life just wanting someone to love me for me.
I feel like you just crawled inside my head. I had no clue that things that I never considered that big a deal from a childhood could impact me so much as an adult.
Alcoholic father-check, parental alienation-check, narcissistic caregiver (not on here but)-check. Fun fun I thank my mother and mother’s side every day for keeping me from becoming completely avoidant and giving me the chance to become secure.
56% DA, 33% FA, 11% SA. Seems legit. I want to stop spending time with people but then think it makes me a bad person to want to do that when it would hurt them. So suck it up and pretend everything is fine when it definitely is not and just deal with feeling perpetually trapped and hating myself for it.
I'm tryna find my attachment style. I got fearful-avoidant on the test, but i'm not completely sure it's accurate. I don't think I grew up in an environment that would produce fearful-avoidant attachment, nor do I think I share too man traits with the avoidant attachment style. I'll probably begin with my childhood, since that's where it stems from. I was born into a family of four, as the oldest sibling. I personally had pretty loving parents, but I might've been emotionally neglected, which sucks. My parents usually were pretty easily-irritated, which ended up with them acting a bit cold towards me if I was bothering them. I didn't spend much time with my parents, except assisting them with tasks. Personally, I got less attention than my sister due to her medical condition, but got much more praise than her and felt i needed to live up to high expectations at a pretty young age. I often recall hearing her be called "dramatic" or "overreacting", which I think I might have internalized when it came to my own emotions. Me and my sister eventually developed a mutual hatred for one another. It was an endless cycle of her bullying me, me trying to play it off with jokes and bottling up the anger, until i erupted and yelled at her, and she then got annoyed and angry at me. My mother was very affectionate, but her love seemed a bit intrusive at times, and she'd threaten us with abandonment if we misbehaved in public. This may seem a bit random, but since attachment styles are developed as infants, I kind of feel the need to say this, that my father didn't comfort me when I cried as a baby at times when he didn't feel my emotions were valid. Overall my parents were pretty good and loving, but they made some mistakes that may have messed me up. When it comes to my school life, HORRIBLE. I was excluded by other children for all of my school years, and I was bullied for about 4 years(6-10 years old). I had friends over the course of my childhood, but they either abandonded me because they had to, or abandonded me(happened about 5 times). I almost never had stable mental health as a child. I was suicidal, self-loathing, self harmed, struggled with self-esteem and self-worth, and had body image issues for a while, and i'm still healing from all that. When it comes to my relationships nowadays, I may seem clingy, but it's really just me trying to maintain the relationship. I'm very committed to the relationship usually, and try to be as loyal as humanly possible. I struggle with boundaries and I usually put the other persons needs first. I *very* easily make the other person my whole world, even if i've only known them for just a bit. In contradiction to seeming a bit clingy, I generally don't like to have my independence lost in a relationship. I've kind of ruled secure attachment out. I'd say I have most signs of anxious attachment, like rejection sensitivity, abandonment issues, being very emotional, being easily jealous, clingyness, needing approval, reassurance, encouragement, and validation, preoccupation with relationships. But I also have some signs of avoidant attachment, like supressing emotions, liking being independent, not asking for help, difficulty expressing my needs, being unwilling to rely on others, being scared when somebody is relying on you, and having an unrealistic view of relationships. This might mean i am fearful, since having signs of both anxious and avoidant attachment is a sign of being fearful, but I don't have many signs for fearful. I really only have being quick to change emotions, having conflicting emotions about relationships, withdrawing when I feel emotional, agreeing to relationships when I don't want to, perceiving other's support negatively, and trust issues.
I find this frustrating because the Backstories you describe for each of the styles apply to me. I do not exhibit every single behavior of each of the styles but they are intertwined and almost every back story applies to my situation.
I am 35 percent Anxious Preoccupied, 35 percent Secure, 18 percent Fearful Avoidant and 12 percent Dismissive Avoidant. I am split between Anxious and Secure.
I took the test and my results are as follows, 35% FA 20% AA 30% DA 15% SE No wonder I'm so difficult to love, but thanks to your videos I've been working on fixing myself! ❤️
Don't look at it that way please. You are loveable!. There is nothing inherently wrong with you and you can change your patterns that were created out of safety and survival reasons, not because you are flawed.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool well said, I think sometimes it helps to de-personalize all this stuff. At times I just put this objective view on it: "OK my caregivers did x, which resulted in my neuropathways forming in a certain way. Now I have a resulting set of beliefs and habits in my subconscious mind. If I stop firing these neuropathways, my patterns change". It can be helpful to detach myself from all my painful personal emotions and memories. Like, my attachment style truly is not about my value as a person. I simply got a certain set of neural programming that was a result of my parents' own sets of programming. Of course it's still healthy to feel anger at my parents for making these mistakes, and all my personal emotions are valid, but sometimes I like to look at it in a mathematical, mechanical way almost.
I'm so glad I came across this channel! I did the test and my results were 50% FA and 50% DA. I really want to dive deeper and learn more about this fascinating subject by purchasing a 3 month bundle. Do I start with the FA courses, or DA or would you recommend something else to begin with? Thank you
Omg I used to be heavily FA and now I'm 43% secure!! Thank you for your videos Thais, they have helped me make a lot of progress this year :) FA 23% AP 7% DA 29% Secure 43%
@@vonkunstler884 if you type in "personal development school attachment style" into Google, you can click the first result, do the quiz and get your numbers. Hope that helps!
This was great, i kept thinking my ex was DA, but you explained it good today, she most likely an Anxious avoidant ! She is sometimes hot, sometimes cold, it was so confusing to me, and at that stage i was highly AA, now I've done some self work and watched a lot of your video, doing some of your courses and when I think of our past experience, a lot of things she did now makes a lot more sense and Im even more compassionate towards her( no I have not reached out to her, I was very strong on the no contact right after we broke up...and Im glad we are no contact....now I can truly self focus and heal my inner brokeness) Keep up the awesome videos Thais.....Have you heard of the superhero syndrome and HSP(highly sensitive person)? Can you do a video about it and is it linked to all AA?
I definitely fall into this last category… Great :-( lol you explained all of this very well, I’ve always heard about this stuff but never quite understood it. Thank you
I try it and this is the result Fearful avoidant : 47% Anxious preoccupied : 0% Dismissive avoidant : 47% Secure : 0% I knew something is wrong with me😂. Is there ever a chance for me be normal? Like personality wise.
There is nothing wrong with you. That is the first thing to recognize. I am a fearful avoidant as well. You were not given the nurturing that you needed. If you can afford to I would take her courses and also do hypnosis. If you cannot afford to or are hesitant to do hypnosis I would recommend meditation and before bed and early in the morning ask yourself questions and let what ever comes up be curious.
@@cavelleardiel you'd really recommend medication without knowing anything more than a test online? Really??? I'd recommend being very resistant to such suggestions! And IF I were to take medication at all, I'd only take it as a short term thing, and most importantly, in conjunction with a very serious plan to change myself holistically. Which from experience, I can say that the Australian "health system" WILL NOT provide you with. They will instead throw pills at you the moment that you say that you are unhappy, maybe give you 10 free sessions with a (cheap)government approved psychologist, and basically tell you to go away. I reluctantly took antidepressants for years. It took many months to adjust to, and I always had a hint of nausea. I could feel something different in my brain for over a year after stopping. They changed absolutely NOTHING of the underlying cause!
Oh wow! I’m 56% secure, 22% FA 22% AP 0% DA. What surprises me most is that I thought I was mostly secure, with traits of FA and AP, and I was right lol! I have absolutely no DA in me, which is funny because my latest love interest is majority DA! He runs away from everything and fulfills his own needs. Difficult to deal with.
I thought I was anxious attachment but I'm really anxious preoccupied attachment I'm gonna work on healing that I have a huge issue also in allowing friendships too close smh
Thank you for this... I've been in therapy for 3yrs and seem to have Plateaued. I would like to know... for both avoidant's, do you think it's more appropriate to heal yourself first before pursuing a deep romantic relationship, or can issues be worked out while currently in a long term relationship?
I’d like to know as well. The whole reason I even found attachment theory was because my relationship was a mess and I started to act very anxious and somewhat unstable. Thais is incredible and has helped so much, but as an AA dating a man who I think is FA, I’m wondering if we can work this out… I sure hope so but I know he’s got to be committed to the work.
this is so disappointing waste of time I did the quiz AND they didn't give me the result she trying to make me sign up and pay for her course 🤦♂🤦♂🤦♂🤦♂
I love all your videos and it has made me start working on myself .❤ Thank you so much. I took the test and it was FA 35% Ap25% Da35% Se 5% How can I be equally fa and da is not understandable to me😶
I would say that suggests you are an FA with a stronger avoidant side, or maybe you're going through an avoidant phase. The test is pretty dependent on circumstances, so it may vary if you take it again. Anyway, Thais has great content on this, you may want to check the video "the different types of Fearful Avoidant" Hope this helps :)
Charlie yeah, that could totally be the case! Fearful avoidants basically have both sides, anxious and dismissive. So you could definitely be a fearful avoidant who leans heavily dismissive avoidant. But then like if you were with someone who is really dismissive, you might find some of your anxious side coming out too!
Do you realise what you are doing? Are you in therapy? You sound like you quite enjoy being a DA. Which is incredibly sad. You are obviously quite happy being alone. Good for you because unless you are active in therapy (which from your tone in your responses) it doesn’t sound like you are then while these videos are really informative (and sad) it has made me realise how fortunate I am to have had him walk away. I hope you really understand how strict this style is. Unless someone is perfect then they have a shot lol . Good luck!
