Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or counselor. The information on this channel Is for informational and educational use only. It should not be used as a replacement for professional help from a Therapist, Psychotherapist or counselor.
I am an FA becoming earned secure and I would ultimately say they need to be willing to do the work to become earned secure and communicate their needs, I still like being treated that way like you said in the video but I learned to stop shutting down and running away so I can meet family and friends in the middle. I really don't think I made a good partner before becoming more secure either, I think it causes a lot of unfair damage to the other 3 attachment styles, but an FA once earned secure can give AMAZING attention and love to a relationship in a more stable way. I think the conversation about becoming earned secure eventually needs to come to the table when the time is right.
2 yrs on and off rollercoaster mostly based on lying cheating manipulation...he went on vacay w an ex while he was w me..i was trauma bonded and knocked him off a pedestal ...i just want to ghost and never see him again...theres nothing good abt him...goodbye tt all the best....i deserve better i deserve respect love and trust
Please do a video when they go back to someone they cheated on an x of 7 years me 6 year as nothing in line he is now in love he says and wants to get married moved back with her after about 6 weeks I’m doing the work he is running
I realize my ex may be a FA. He pulled a discard when things were going great and the relationship was healthy. I did everything they tell you to do. No contact, work on yourself, everything. In watching this though…I realize I’m not a mind reader. He knows I love him but at the end of the day he ended things and there is no way for me to know if he wants me to reach out yet or if he needs more time. If it’s too soon it gets worse, if it’s too late it gets worse. Unless he can take a step, since he was the dumper, I can’t do anything. I think if they are FA, no matter how much you love them, you have to just let them go. It’s a loose, loose if you make the wrong choice and you just end up hurting yourself more. It’s an impossible situation unless they can own up even in a small way to repair. The FA expects you to have some type of super powers that are not possible. I love him very much but I just have to accept his choice. It hurts. I don’t know that he realizes just how much it hurts and how much I wish we could repair things but the expectations of FA to read their minds with little to no help is not humanly possible.
My avoidant ex used to confide in me when it came to talking about her husbands betrayal of her with her best friend. She was also my work wife always making sure my tie was stright (amongst other things).. She said to me that ' When she got into a relationship with me, she never thought that she would fall in love with me. (as she did). She used to be my work wife, offereing me her home to use as an after hours work space....I think it was too much for her....Or maybe the relationship became monotonous. Even the intimacy was scheduled in as a weekly session.
mine blocked me for looking at her instagram stories, ironically i was only looking at them so i can see where she might be so i can avoid here, to give her the space she so desprately needed. i dont know if she even gets emails from me she blocked my number too. she still communicates with my brother for business stuff but never asks about me. im only on about day 7 of no contact. lets see what happens
What if i chased her for 2 after the breakup weeks and then stopped and went NC but told her that i care a lot about her and she can reach out if she wants to work through things together?
This is what Im going tru from my FA ex bf, we loved eachother so much since 2022, with closeness & distance , on off love bdw. He has BPD traits too. He came back to me in Oct-Nov after our 2nd breakup happend in Sep. I was so traumatized , but due to his loving efforts , regret we got close again wit love, joy. But we both were afraid to text 1st , he longed to reconnect , chat again till Dec. I think he was frustrated & for a quote I shared in last week of Dec he felt rejected , abandoned by me & jumped into a rebound . Now he knows he did a huge mistake , after I msgd. But since Dec he has lost that longing to reconnect or chat or reply even. If he has the rebound still ,its 7 months for it. But in my NC he indirectly reaches out to see me into places where I am & try to heal me , he removed the profile wit 2 girls from all his official A/Cs ,but its still thr in A/Cs he thinks I dont see. In April he was afraid to lose me & see another guy loves me. So I msgd him on his bday last month, but no reply. Now I slightly like the new guy too, but I told him abt my ex bf & Im still not healed. I dont know what to do..
Coach Court, I just found this video on my feed, and it’s a compelling question indeed, and I appreciate the re-frame you offer. I got blindside discarded by my DA girlfriend that I had dated for 18 months… we supported each other through two surgeries, her’s in November (Hysterectomy) and mine in February, a prostate biopsy… negative… 30 days after my procedure, and the day after a fun, lovely and passionate date, I get a “I can’t see you anymore, I wish you well” TEXT and it blew my mind. I called and texted, and emailed… “can we talk”… and the next day… I get (the knockout blow)… “I didn’t’ mean to hurt you, I’m sorry I did, I’ve just had a change of heart”… and crickets. I didn’t know anything about Dismissive Avoidants, or No Contact… zero, but I did learn this, there was NOTHING I could do that would get her to engage with me.. to talk, text, call, NOTHING… and the only choice I had was to learn, and invest in myself, to find the reasons why I was so unmoored, and wounded and try to find a was to get my arms around the “how could she” and “who is this”.. reflexes. ….. I’m traumatized, grief stricken, in shock, … the hole thing… and your’e right….Accepting that she is, who she is… Even though she’s been hiding the discarding, fearful, avoiding conflict at all costs, self centered person that she really is has been the hardest. I know that she has family trauma history, and suffers from anxiety, what I NEVER saw coming was this other hidden self. You’re totally right, you have to invest in yourself, and that No Contact is not for the relationship to rekindle, but for you to grow, learn, heal, dig into the traumatic triggers, and turn the energy of grief and all it’s flavors into energy of growth… and while it’s easy to say, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done…. And still doing. Thanks….
Well, you just got me to another level of this thing. My ex gave me time, and resources but they weren't enough and that, as I see now, was the straw that broke the relationship's back. He was valiantly trying to appease his mother who took up a huge chunk of his grown man time; his dating time so what I got wasn't what I thought to be nearly enough to establish the kind of intimacy that I was looking for and I never stayed overnight at his place, but that was mostly my idea because I had teenage kids at home. He did, though, make sure that I had enough money, and groceries in the house. In fact, it might've been 10 o'clock at night and he'd insist that he pick me up from work and go on to the grocery store; he made sure I had. My whole issue with him was that we only saw eachother one day a week and he hemmed and hawed at that. I always felt like it was a sacrifice on his part, and that he had to make himself be there. He broke up with me when I tried to break up with him over the not enough time thing. When I saw him tear up and almost cry over that, I changed my mind and told him I wouldn't leave him. Next thing you know, two weeks later, he's telling me that it's over and that he doesn't love me. That's when his avoidant personality kicked into high gear. It wasn't my issue, but it was my fault. I see that now. Or would it have happened anyway?
So for example...She feels dismissive sometimes or that she doesn't care, but at the same time, she tells me to go an work on her art work shop for my therapy and refuses to charge me, and I know im the only one she refuses to charge, even though I know she is struggling for money (I bake her goods in return)... Is it her sharing resources?
What if it’s an x that was same time as I was with me 6 years her 7 years he had left her for an affair is this still a rebound as there is nothing on line about this
I have to disagree regarding success rate of rebounds, I’ve been on the receiving end of them watching from the sidelines as they turn toxic and crash and burn and been the unsuspecting rebound as well, who gets dumped after they wake up from the limerence dream and wonder why they are with you lol. These are not healthy relationships, you must be healed and ok on your own and take it slow to get to know someone over time. Rebounds will move very fast as they are filling a void and using it as a bandaid, they also psychologically displace your relationship stage into the new one. They often will get engaged or move in within months, not healthy at all. Sometimes they will even have kids together and then 2 years later split up. If we know 50% of marriages fail, then we can infer a rebound relationship is going to be around there or most likely higher since it was built on a false foundation. If your ex was married before you, and then got with you then left you and got in a rebound and married them, it’s going to be 60% failure rate in absolute terms and most likely higher with the rebound factor. I have seen many rebounds move so fast and after honeymoon phase they crash and burn. I have grown and matured and now I always ask in beginning stages of dating when was last relationship, for how long and when did it end. If it was 3 months or less, 6 months would be even more ideal, I will not even entertain this potential mate seriously, they are not ready! If it was a monkey branch, even worse, the new person will always have doubts in their mind about will they do it to them too, why do they take their phone in bathroom with them? Haha. Also if they’ve monkey branched once, they do not have good character, they will be capable to do it again. They essentially protected their own emotional interests at the expense of the person they dumped. They slowly built attachment with new person as they detach from old person, who had no idea and is crushed in the end. This is not healthy behavior! And these people do not know how to have a loving, honest, and communicative relationship! Sometimes they do come back after the rebound/monkey branch goes south and I would recommend you reject them for your own sanity, unless they are really remorseful and realize they f’d up (the grass is not always greener). Another interesting phenomenon is they will prolong the rebound relationship and just tough it out for a while after it is already done to save face with family and friends. They do not want to look like they are a fool for jumping in and out of relationships so fickle. They want to prove they made a good choice. Especially if their social circle and family is mostly healthy well adjusted, long term monogamous people. Yet again, here goes Jessica is bringing a new person to the family BBQ after she left her husband of 9 years that they have to meet and get to know, everyone wondering how long it will last this time. Like the family and friends are just are over it at this point, and honestly it is a sign of an underlying mental health issue when this is the case. A key sign to look out for that it is not healthy or is not going to work, is they will plaster the new relationship all over social media days, weeks or a couple months after the end of the previous long term relationship. They are in infatuation and also want to prove they are happy and in love to their family who was surprised at the breakup. Lastly, the type of person who will date someone who is fresh out of a relationship is low hanging fruit, and most likely will take what they can get in terms of a relationship, or they are just there for the hookup and taking advantage of the person who is not healed and has not processed their emotions from last relationship, usually a sign of emotional dysregulation in the dumper who got in the rebound as well. If their intentions were honest, then they may get hurt as well if they were either ignorant and never learned this is not a healthy start to a relationship, or they were unsuspecting as the rebounder downplayed how long ago the split was, saying it’s been done for a longer than it really has been or twisting the facts of the end of the breakup, often they will say it was “abusive” in some vague way and when you ask deeper questions it is deflected or they get defensive, or a myriad of other tactics to hide the truth. I’ve seen all of these scenarios and it’s about 80% failure rate in my opinion, meaning it’s not til death do them part, usually ends from 3 months when first conflict arises to just over a year when honeymoon is fading.
I worked 2 jobs . Tried to be the best dad for my kids. It was never enough. Not even a month passed and my ex is with someone and cold towards me. I moved out 3 months earlier to reset. But I always wanted my family . She puts everything on me but idk what to do if I’m working for my family trying and she says “ I got close to someone and he is committed to me. Breathe of fresh air” now I think it will fail badly but it hurts knowing all the sacrifices I made and to be let go and told our time has expired. Idk just in a daze
What if they rebound a month later? i didn't know about this avoidant stuff until after its the way she ended it to the tee. I kept bothering her after she wanted space and i'm an anxious attachment and was going crazy trying to make sense of what happened. I was so good to her and 4 months post break up i still can't stop thinking about her. She blocked me on everything and had her new man block me just recently. Nothing makes sense to me. Will she ever reach out again? i know rebounds never last it's a coping mechanism because she is not strong enough to deal with her emotions, but it hurts even more finding out she has a rebound after she said she is never single for long and needed to work on her mental health to be in a relationship and be alone for awhile,, She just keeps running from me and blocking me out her life of fear. She just got so cold towards the end like she didn't even give a fuck.
My friend wanted me to meet his sister, so I went up to his mom's house and I met her. We started dating, 18 months later were married. Not till years later did she tell me that she had just broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years 2 months before we met. I told her that if I knew that we wouldn't be having this conversation. She was shocked that I felt like that. Fast forward we been married 54 years. P.S. him and I knew each other and hung around in the same gin mill. He never said that he was the other man.
@@IamCoachCourt His father was wealthy and owned a 12 bedroom house oceanfront in Jersey. He asked if I wanted to spend the summer at the house. I just started a new job so I couldn't go. When I told my wife years later, she said he was probably trying to keep me from her.
I'm still in the place where i think you're speaking of avoidants who are halfway normal. For instance, I had an ex that called me his friend on Friday, but didn't show up at the train station to give me a lift to my new job training which was in the building right behind where he worked, which he knew could've gotten me fired before I could even learn the job. Another time, same dude spent a whole weekend hooking up cables and doing all kinds of repairs around my apartment but, when I called to thank him again; to say that I really did appreciate all the work he put in, he got angry and refused to speak to me. What? It's okay to admit to being friends, right? But does some kind of shame come along with admitting that you're okay with being friends? I mean, he broke up with me, and I didn't ask him to do all that repair work OR to volunteer to take me to work that week for training. It was all his idea. What? Chile, just laugh.
What if were married. Im on my way to becoming more secure. Hes been with someone else for 3yrs on n off.Weve been separated for 3yrs. Hes come back into my life every 10 months. Ive asked him for a divorce but he said hes not ready. Im doing myself always n working hard.
There’s a fine line between understanding how to communicate and respond to a dismissive avoidant and walking around on eggshells to keep them from running away. At some point you we just have to cut people loose who have dysfunctional traits they aren’t capable or willing to work on.
