True, avoidants show empathy in a different way, like not criticizing/highlighting your defects. Words come easy, can be empty, but actions speak louder. I've found them to be very sincere; but one has to be very tuned in to see what they're conveying sometimes. It's not for everyone. Anyone who is thinks an avoidant is a narcissist has not understood either of these things.
My boyfriend is more like this than narcissistic. He’s just super distant and it’s really annoying and hurts more being in the relationship than being single
The ONE thing avoidants do when they realise they are TRULY in love with you - They discard you. Ironically the highest compliment they will give you also destroys you.
I’m an avoidant and it’s quite the opposite. If I realize I truly love someone (and they’ve proven they are a safe and trustworthy person) I become healthily attached. They either didn’t feel safe with you or there is more going on with them than just being an avoidant - like having commitment issues.
@@johndoe8923-k2d And just like that you showed you’re not a safe person. When someone who is an avoidant is trying to tell something personal/about themselves and you dismiss them as if it’s not THEIR experience they WILL shut down on you. Re-read what I wrote with your ears open and you will understand and if you still don’t ask about what is confusing you/doesn’t make sense about what I said. This is how you communicate healthily. (The guy in the video also mentioned what I was referring to as well - and he’s right)
You can’t force Avoidant’s so it’s important to be sure of yourself & whole within cause if your not careful you’ll chase them away. Avoidant are some of the most beautiful souls that will naturally fall into a person that is secure & confident
I know my FA ex loved me.. On expressing deep feelings, he began the slow fade, eventually monkey branching to another after three years. We had a mostly good four-year relationship/situationship. His fears got the best of him. He wanted to be friends. I said "no" and let him go without a tear. No anger, no questions, nothing. NC forever for me. I have no resentment or jealousy even though I was heartbroken. After nine months of inner work, I am finally getting over him. I have accepted the fact that it would not work with us. I know he isn't doing healing work. I know he feels guilty for hurting me, and I don't expect him to try to come back. For myself, I know I could not go through the heartbreak again.I am sure we both still have love for each other. That's why it is so sad.
Yes, I forgot the acts of service. My FA ex would do anything for me. He helped me in so many ways when I needed help. Funny thing, before he left, he had asked if I needed anything and even offered help before I answered. Watching this video brought back so many remembrances for me. Even though we both have moved on, I know we will always have a place in each other's heart.You seem to have a way of being able to speak of avoidants with compassion.
It happened in this order for me. She "Love Bombed" me, she started with the acts of service. She forgot to call me one night and I brought it up to her, she withdrew from that point forward. I now realize she is an avoidant and how I should treat someone like this. She shared so many things with me but the chemistry me and her had was insane. I broke it off with her after 2 and a half months to give her some space and she agreed with the breakup. Everything she did is almost 100% what a DA is.
I think all maladaptive attachment behaviour was created as a way of keeping you safe, it just shows in different ways - activating (anxious) or deactivating (avoidant)
100% accurate - he had my back, spent so many resources on me, helped me so much, opened a whole new world for me; heaps of acts of service and affection. Talked about his past. But never vulnerable words. Ever. Could barely tell me he loved me - he said "I want to say the L word to you" and never did.
Oh God yes now he's back to me and giving me everything..I'm in awe..he trust me too much..and he said he loves me.after all what happened and what I've been through..I walked away from him before I stand where I stood .but I keep all his secrets with me.
@janetlabrador7951 good luck, 👍 but remember your worth. I've met a new man and it's a total breath of fresh air and I can breathe a sigh of relief, I'm not walking on eggshells, I'm able to share my thoughts and feelings without being criticised, it's mutual give and take. I hear compliments from him all the time, I know what he's thinking and feeling, everything is very clear and progressing naturally. Unlike my ex - it was his way or the highway, he barely went out of his way apart from spending money on me (which he would recklessly spend anyway). It took me 6 full months of pain to get over my ex. But it's doable and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you for this. My (long distance) FA partner does all of these things, which works out because I feel most loved with acts of service and then quality time. Last week he drove over 2 hours one way to see me (and back in the same day) and take me out for my birthday. He has also said he loved me one time but like you said not in a lovebombing way. He was being vulnerable because I told him (not that same day) we need that to grow. I really see him trying to improve on his communication, putting in effort although it’s harder for him, and he is self-aware of his issues. That’s what keeps me in this relationship with him while I work to be more securely attached.
His intro hit ME so hard. It is very difficult for me to be vulnerable especially with the opposite sex, because of how I've seen women be handled in my life time. It caused me not to trust men no matter what. Stand on your own 10 toes. It has cost me so many chances of relationships with men i was interested in. Some how guys fall in love with me fast. We fight because I won't open up to them and allow then to earn my trust. I'm working on improving my self esteem and recognizing what my actions project.
Mine did relay something very personal that they may not have told anyone else. I’m thankful that they felt the trust. My question is: WHY did they share it with me?
Thank you so much for this. It helps me cope with the heartbreak of the sudden discard that blindsided me right when we seemed to be drawing closest. No explanation; he just made a lame excuse that didn't make any sense at all and he left. It was so sudden. I was devastated. I spent months trying to figure out what I had done. What about those sweet things he'd said? Were those just lies? Was I nothing more than a little fling for him? Now that I understand the avoidant better, I see he had been doing all five of the things you mention in this video. Okay he's gone but it helps to believe that his feelings for me had been genuine -- at least, genuine at the time. That is a sweet gem I will treasure in my heart. Thank you.
This is helpful, my ex did most of this, his struggle was being transparent about his finances. If he could’ve owned up to that we would still be together. He ended a relationship with me because he wasn’t ready for a family financially.. I never pressed for a baby immediately, and at my age now I’m stuck trying to heal from his confusing behavior and getting to a point where I can trust someone new. Don’t see myself having a baby naturally anymore. Waste of time, but lessons learned.. no longer giving grace to men who can’t be open and honest about how they feel about me and our future or who can’t navigate life’s stressors with me.
I agree, they are being slayed on so many other channels. I went out with an FA and he was the kindest most caring man. So much to the point that he couldn’t switch off and detach from feeling helpless to help me and burning himself out. One thing I saw though was he thought I needed “ tending too” and that was his job, instead of just loving me and being there if I needed him. But a genuine person that couldn’t say how he felt in fear of upsetting me, or letting me down.
Same. He did everything for me. He came to my house he fix things he paid for dinners he did so much and I said I don’t want a handyman. I want a boyfriend he got offended, but it was true. I didn’t want a handyman I wanted a boyfriend and he couldn’t, do that why, I don’t know. He just couldn’t put out emotions and love. It was sad. I did love him but I couldn’t be with someone that couldn’t love back.😢❤
Well he did all of that. He told me immediately about his situation with his mom that bothered him so much, how she took up so much of his time. He called me every night, took me to the grocery store no matter how late it was, helped me with bills when I needed it, told me he loved me, got on his knees, grabbed me around my waist like a child when I told him that I loved him. He broke up with me four months later, but would still ask if he could come by. I would've been okay with him just being a friend but after he would come by, and I'd give him a call some days later just say 'hey, how's your week going'', he would either ghost me, of tell me to stop bothering him. AND HE WAS JUST AT MY HOUSE. I don't know WHAT kinda' love that was supposed to be.
I like how you seem really gracious about avoidants. I’m leaning about them now that I’m experiencing one but unfortunately I’m someone who’s dealt with narcissistic ex husband and ex boyfriend so when avoidant showed narcissistic type behaviors I bounced lol. Well got really triggered and became dismissive and altho I tried explaining my behavior and why, they seemed to not be able to lean back in (as I see they’re not communicative and couldn’t reciprocate communication) which triggered me more lol. Currently not speaking 🤷🏾♀️ thanks for your insight
What type of narc behavior is he showing? I'm curious because my story is similar, although my DA ex didn't show narc traits. He's the only one I'd consider taking back
@@ashton1952 I say because it was the narcs in my life that I experienced, blocking, stone walling, shutting down or shutting me out, unable to see/hear the other person’s point but only seem to want to drive their point, shuts down when I’m trying to communicate important emotional needs, just someone “emotionally unavailable” and a bit emotionally immature. I understand that these bahaviors are in many people (and maybe my unhealed self sometimes) not only narcs. I DONT consider this person a narc because they ARE very empathic, considerate, self-giving but sometimes some of the same behaviors can show in an avoidant as I’m leaning or someone severely anxious as I’m leaning and for that I could give him a pass some day but having experienced some of these same things that triggered me about the narcs just really set me off. Fortunately I was able to recognize it for what it was early and even attempted to take accountability in a mature way (which they DONT do) but the repeat blocking is a strong no for me so right now I’m not even trying to go there. We will be in no contact for however long we have to.
Avoidant and emotionally unavailable ppl are exhausting. It's so sad how we try to teach them how to communicate even tho they know all the principles for healthy communication but wen it comes to the real deal they hide and avoid you and dnt respond
😂😂😂 my gf is dismissive avoidant as heck, but she is amazing, I can wake her up at 2am and say I am thirsty and she will get up, get a bottle of cold water and bring it back to me and go back to sleep as though nothing had happened.
okay good to know. He only did no. 1. Confided in me when he did with noone else. He didn't do acts of service. He only ever just hinted that he liked me whenever I brought up the topic and he felt he needed to say something back. I only ever met one of his friends online and his Dad by accident. He didn't make time for me and always had a ton of things that he needed to be doing before he could see me. It's very painful to have to admit to myself that he didn't have any feelings for me except liking the attention that I gave him and kinda using me for that.
Yes, I noticed they tend to follow this pattern in friendships too. Feeling ultra safe is important in any kind of relationship for them to get close and open up.
My DA does all these things, even stuck by me even though I embarrassed him in front of his friends and they expressed their doubts about me to him. How's that for love? We've since patched and I no longer behave poorly, thus proving that people can work thru issues.
He said when you around I felt free, then he told something personal and said this is messing with my confidence and I don’t have anyone to talk to because I don’t want anyone thinking Iam weak, showing his credit score and telling me personal stuff normal men that are woman centered won’t do, and he texts me good morning 4-6days a week we talk sometimes threw out the day and sometimes on the phone but I can also tell he soooooo scared
Thank you for sharing this knowledge. Im not sure if my former partner is an avoidant, I don't have the training to say that about anyone however it appears she may have been. In some form I saw everything you described and so I was confused for a while by how easily she gave up.
I fear love… I’m a classic avoidant… I’m the only individual on this stunning planet that’s ok with unrequited love… cos it’s less work to do on my part and I can control what happens and where the relationship goes… Yep… sounds nonsensical but it works for me !! Thank you CC Ciao ;)’
@@ANU_WRLD yep… a one sided relationship suits me just fine because of the fact that I get all the joyful moments but without the heartbreak… heartache or drama.. there you go… now you know… thanks for your reply… wishing you a fabulous day today…. Ciao ;)’
I heard somewhere that all narcissists are avoidant, but not all avoidants are narcissists. So if she has narcissistic tendencies, she is a narc with avoidant attachment style.
@@sannasunshine4161I saw on Personal Development School's channel that narcissistic people can come from any attachment style that is insecure. Some types of narcissism are more likely to have anxious attachment or fearful avoidance also rather than dismissive avoidant attachment.
@@SeanOzz the major difference between narcs and avoidants is the "intent" of their actions. Their behaviour is very similar. Thus they hurt people a great deal and you see stories from people broken by the discard
My avoidant ex used to confide in me when it came to talking about her husbands betrayal of her with her best friend. She was also my work wife always making sure my tie was stright (amongst other things).. She said to me that ' When she got into a relationship with me, she never thought that she would fall in love with me. (as she did). She used to be my work wife, offereing me her home to use as an after hours work space....I think it was too much for her....Or maybe the relationship became monotonous. Even the intimacy was scheduled in as a weekly session.
When u say they share finances, do you literally mean sharing their finances/money with u, or being open about INFORMATION regarding their finances, like sharing their personal worth, how much they have?
I think this also depends on whether they are a man or a woman. Women don't tend to volunteer their financial resources as much as men do. Those "men are provider"-roles in society are fairly engrained. So I think that point is more appropriate to observe in men than women, and heterosexual relations more than other sexual orientations. A man who is interested in a woman, will pay for the dates, get you an occasional gift and all that. They will in time also volunteer information about their personal worth. In my personal situation, my Avoidant SO paid all the dates in the first 6 months and even would fight me over the bill if I tried paying. As things proceeded that evened out a bit more where it was 70-30. He told me when he had major loans paid off, or what his inheritance looked like, and I could look into his bank account, he emailed me his salary slips. Not just out of the blue, there was context to how this was brought up. But in any case, I knew a lot of personal information about him you'd trust only with someone you feel intimate with.
So for example...She feels dismissive sometimes or that she doesn't care, but at the same time, she tells me to go an work on her art work shop for my therapy and refuses to charge me, and I know im the only one she refuses to charge, even though I know she is struggling for money (I bake her goods in return)... Is it her sharing resources?
Attachment theory was developed in 1907. Perhaps you think it's new because of the progression of the Internet and having access to this more than going to a library looking for it
Thank you I just came across your channel and trying to o work out what the person I am with is. He does not say I love you he finds it really hard he does not share his money willingly, but can be generous always wants to know how I feel rather than share his feelings...I just don't know
