And it hurts so much... I just discovered what happened and I was so lost.. i couldn't get why she would be so distant and mean when I was getting so close to her, but now I understand and I feel already better.
Losing them hurt, no question. But when you get on the other side of that pain, you will understand and see what you were losing and it wasn't them at all. it was losing yourself to the facade they call a relationship.
this is the core wound of avoidants. they do not know how to have a healthy interdependence, typically because they attract codependent people. People in healthy relationships don't "lose themselves" -- what a cynical outlook
@@hsamzsdSometimes secure people can be attracted. Avoidants can seem “normal “ at times. Even secure persons can become anxious and temporarily lose themselves in trying to thrive in the relationship. Difference is secure people eventually realize the futility of it all and escape.
I can’t disagree with this. Long term relationship and DA basically cut me off and ran. No idea why, she would not tell me. Thought we would be married, Ha! It had been 18 months of no contact. Then she sent me a birthday card, but won’t talk or respond. So weird. DAs are nut cases , don’t bother with them, they will eventually destroy you.
It's been a month of no contact & I know he has regrets. I started therapy/counseling 5 months ago. I'm moving forward with understanding. No second chances. This relationship was harder than my long term relationships when I was younger. Even my 7 year marriage in my 20's. I've grown, I'm happier alone. I'm going to take a year off from dating again. I have home projects and my pets to keep me busy.
I'm a secure attachment person who talked to multiple times then distanced myself from someone I considered borderline avoidant. I hope the Universe carries him the rest of his healing journey.
It is very sad that they have to lose you to realize your value to them. What a regret. As an old person, I'm happy to have no regrets. I gave our relationship my all. I am healing and moving forward, but sometimes I think of the good times we had. Sad.😢
Exactly, it is not our job. Even though we probably worked like it was for 2+ years. After this last time, I just felt free (like what about Bob movie when Dr Marvin yells, I’m free). Do not let anyone suck the life out of you ❤
A black man sharing insights about the psychology of attachment. I am so happy to see this! For sure a channel I am going to recommend to people who are sensitive to representation.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
Man. Heartbreak is tough. It took me a couple of years to get over my divorce, and I’m the one that divorced her. It will get better. It will take a lot of time though. In the end, all will be better.
I truly love how u explained this matter without it being long drawn out just accurate straight too the point and meaningful. Thank u because this summed up my ex to the core. He is all of the above I don’t hate him in actual fact I forgive him for his behaviour because he is hurting more than me deep down, when he got so close to me I could see him backing away through fear and I cannot keep nurturing and reassuring someone I was starting to question me and losing my self worth so I am glad for the outcome although it hurt like hell.
Is there an avoidant person that actually feels that they posess a "themselves"?? Mine ran from every element of themself, using substances to keep "the self" as numb as humanly possible. If you asked me in everday terms, there was no self, only chaos and self sabotage.
Yes this, mine was pure chaos, drugs, alcohol etc. It started amazing, she turned it into a monster show. She called from an unkown number and it was her best friend fishing me if i have a girlfriend two nights ago after going NC, i feel so sorry for her.
Then don’t start a relationship, you’re responsible for your behavior. You know how you are so that ,Akers you guilty and irresponsible when you fake and rip someone’s heart to pieces. Plain and simple take accountability
It's so hurtful...but how will the ever realize if they jumped into another relationship. I caught my ex 2weeks after our breakup with another woman. Now people see him around his city with someone else. I miss and love him so much. We did everything together. I chased him wanting an explanation until the day I saw him with someone and haven't spoke to him since. He was embarrassed that I saw him because of who he was with and he said things to try to hurt me...but couldn't. I was more embarrassed than anything.
This is so true. My FA ex would do anything for me as long as his feelings were not involved. Fears and a sense of obligation being a people pleaser led to his monkey branching. He still wanted to be friends. Nope. I let him go without drama. NC forever for me. I empathize with him. No jealousy on my part because I know who I am. It’s been a year since he left. I have healed thru inner work and moved on. I watch videos occasionally to never go back to avoidants. I realize I deserve better. I realize that since I am secure, I deserve a partner who is secure and able to commit. I sincerely hope my ex FA is happy with his life. He is basically a good and decent person. I hope he seeks help for his own sake.
what happens if they swallow pride and admit all the thing you mentioned to the person and make real effort to try and heal even If share it scared them etc. I find this all so fascinating
I guess if they are actually a dismissive avoidant....HOWEVER, there is an extremely thin line between this particular attachment style and dark triad personality traits....AND THAT IS THE PROBLEM 🎯🎯🎯🎯
No they can’t, because they have no idea how they really feel. I mean, that’s what it means to be avoidant. They avoid reality entirely, including their feelings.
What if they rebound a month later? i didn't know about this avoidant stuff until after its the way she ended it to the tee. I kept bothering her after she wanted space and i'm an anxious attachment and was going crazy trying to make sense of what happened. I was so good to her and 4 months post break up i still can't stop thinking about her. She blocked me on everything and had her new man block me just recently. Nothing makes sense to me. Will she ever reach out again? i know rebounds never last it's a coping mechanism because she is not strong enough to deal with her emotions, but it hurts even more finding out she has a rebound after she said she is never single for long and needed to work on her mental health to be in a relationship and be alone for awhile,, She just keeps running from me and blocking me out her life of fear. She just got so cold towards the end like she didn't even give a fuck.
I'm in the same boat as you and the same thing literally just happened to me nearly 2 months ago. She also jumped into a new relationship after giving the same reasons... Not ready for a relationship... need time to do me things... always seem to get with the first guy I meet after a break up and never have time and space to find out who I am as a person... She never blocked me and we spoke about 10 days after breaking up but she just said the same stuff, not wanting to reconcile or anything. She said she missed me and can't stop thinking about me but isn't ready for me, nothing I did and that I'm the perfect man for her. She said that even though I didn't talk about the relationship so I had some hope, but now I think she is seeing someone else. That must have happened only a few weeks after breaking up and not long after that last conversation. Gutted. I think we just have to learn to let go. I know it's really hard, I'm struggling too, but the alternative is clinging onto lost hope and torturing yourself. I'm trying to work on being less anxious and letting go now. Ultimately, if they didn't choose us then they weren't the right person for us. I hope that you are doing alright.
Can i please request a video focussing on avoidant relatives. My brother is avoidant and he does cycles of runner then chaser as my friend. I wonder is thete a different approach as im just wanting a nice stable consistant relationship. At the moment i literally just always let him contact me first unless there's a practicle reason to message.
2.5 years and boom 2 weeks ago, he said it was all about sex for him. His few friendships are all drinking people. Im a nurse and work. I will miss him,but hes got issues. The pain is the worst.
They want you to reach out. They want to look at you from a distance. They want you to think about them. Dont fall for it. If they want you, they will reach out.
Whats your point in dwelling in such negativity? Such victim mentality. Omg. We are the creators of our own reality so if this is your truth that is what you get😅
@@IamCoachCourtcalling someone avoidant is printing that meaning into the situation. Focus should be on yourself. This video is still very much ego- level stuff focusing on things like ’revenge’, feeling better (emotion), getting soothed(again emotion), thinking ’avoidant’ is wrong- doing and will regret which again lifts your ego and is supposed to ease your fears.
That only works if you have nobody in your life who depends on you. When you have people in your life who need you, it’s vital that you are tuned into objective(shared) reality. I think so many people nowadays are avoiding serious relationships because they can’t do this. Particularly with smartphones, it’s so easy to get stuck in your own world, but it’s incredibly unhealthy.
