@yarazard yes, anyone can define bullying, there are many definitions to be found in various places particularly online but they are not the same. The legal definition of harassment gives a clear benchmark by which to assess whether it has happened or not, but no legal definitions exist for bullying and are unlikely to be created. This means that the experience remains subjective from all sides and so the pursuit of 'proving' its existence uses up time and energy that doesn't reach a conclusion while breaking down the actions felt to be of concern means these can be dealt with individually. The focus is on what happened that was upsetting rather than trying to attach a label to the person accused. In many bullying allegation situations there are counter allegations and so the attempt to 'prove' that one person is and the other is not is even more futile. Focusing not on the person but on the actions taken means they can be reviewed, discussed and a different way forward can be created for the future that works for both.

@mcdonald2037 yep, if there's no clear evidence then it is rightly so that the case is dropped. In fact if it was an allegation of bullying it would be more likely to last a lot longer as proving it is or isn't is so confusing, but with harassment it is more straightforward to prove, or disprove as it has clear criteria by which it can be assessed while bullying doesn't.

@PBMS123 keeping a diary can be useful but in various areas of complaint they are rarely drawn upon and can become 'obsessive' actions, noting down every small item in the belief someone will read it and believe it and that 'the more there is the better'. The video refers to another video that points out how little a 'presenting evidence' approach works because the idea of bullying is so subjectively interpreted by both those involved and those who investigate, Most organisations will have an unacceptable behaviour policy whether by that name or a different name but it's the fact that they don't work to resolve bullying allegations that is the point here. Too often the immediate action is to move to a 'seeking evidence based 'proof and punish' approach rather than to support the staff in resolving the issue themselves. The conversation you mention needs to be between both / all involved so that a way of resolving things is created by them through that conversation. If instead used to 'formally state' the actions of the other it becomes impractical for anyone to continuously oversee whether they are repeated or not so is unlikely to happen. If the conversation is to resolve the issue by and between themselves they won't need to continuously keep a diary and refer to past statements to try to 'prove' something that happened was bullying. The issue is resolved in ways that they both see as working after having a 'robust' conversation with each other, whether supported by a manager or a mediator in doing so or not.

@@CommunicationandConflict Yeah look I disagree with you. Your comments only apply in cases where you are assuming that there is no clear and apparent bullying going, i.e. no keeping a diary doesn't mean or suggest that "more is better" and to note every little thing. For someone who is actually being bullied they're going to be writting down actions that are repetitive and deliberate. And in most cases the behaviour itself generally would fall under unacceptable behaviour on its own, or even if it doesn't rise to that level in one instance due to what you call "subjectivity" the moment the victim tells the bully that X behaviour is not appreciated, is making the victim feel threatened/stressed/upset/angry etc. and they ask/tell them to stop, then that alone is it. I can only assume you've never actually been bullied as these are statements no victim would repeat. You appear to equating bullying with not getting along in the workplace. I as a manager want that diary from the person. And whenever a diary is suggested, or brought up even online, its generally made clear, you're recording the things that are upsetting or hurting you, not "every little thing" and become obsessive about it. Also record times you have spoken up against them and asked/told them to stop. providing specific times and dates. The diary is an attempt to remove the subjectivity of it, but also to remove the burden of a victim having to remember anything or when they're in your office crying and they know they're the victim of bullying but can't cant put forward when or what was said, that makes it difficult. Real bullying isn't as subjective as you seem to think it is. Calling someone names, insulting them, is not subjective, theres no subjective understanding from the other side that makes that appropriate, especially not if theyve been told to stop. "Thanks for coming in to see me. I'd like to talk to you about a number of incidents that have been brought my attention that are concerning, but I'd like to give you a chance to give me your side of things. .... Ok thanks for that, something I wanted to put to you and you tell me if this is true; that on X date you called Ashley a "fat dumb slut"; is this true? And do you recall that in the afternoon of that same day that Ashley came to you and told you that saying things like that were very hurtful, mean and not acceptable in the workplace and for you to stop? Oikay you do recall that good, now did you stop calling her names like that? No? So do you understand why that is unacceptable and bullying?" I don't think in this case there's subjective misunderstanding, there is very clearly bullying going The first step as a manager if someone comes to you for unacceptable behaviour (which bullying is apart of) is to get each persons side, if the victim comes to me with that diary with times of dates of specific behviour, as well as times and dates where a bully has been told by the victim to stop, because you bring these up with the other person while you work out whats gone on. Your suggestions only make sense when you apply your definition of just a bad workplace relationship where 2 people don't get on. Because telling someone who is being bullied that they should be made to sit down with their bully and compromise with them. Your suggestion is akin to a school principal making a bully and their victim apologise to each other

@@PBMS123 Yep, there will be procedures carried out such as you suggest, but the starting point for this video and others in relation to this topic that I've done is that in the eyes of the law there is no 'bullying' going on as it is not legally defined. No one ever went to court and won a 'bullying' allegation. The usual outcome of any workplace bullying related case is when as a consequence of an allegation one or both people are kept separate and reallocated to a different role that is on a lesser pay grade than their usual job and in time they take the organisation to a tribunal for constructive dismissal, the bullying itself is not explored as there's no legal definition. In the eyes of the law it IS just a difficult workplace relationship. It only becomes illegal if it is discrimination / harassment. (Bullying is not the same as harassment even though the two are often stated as if they are the same thing, one is legally defined the other is not) So that isn't to say there aren't actions taking place that you or someone else may feel is/ define as 'bullying' but it can't be 'proven' to be so. Any investigative outcome will always be challengeable and this is the issue that people face in bringing an allegation. It can't end in an outcome where it is 'proven', it will usually just drag on until eventually someone leaves and the process is deemed inconclusive. In your description of where someone is called in and presented with the allegations of being called x y z....what is your next step if they say it didn't happen or if they say the other person said something just as abusive to them prior to what they were accused of and it turned into a slanging match? How is it that you take an 'objective' position as judge of what they tell you? If you are saying...correct me if I'm wrong...that having a diary 'proves' it happened....it doesn't, it simply means that one wrote something down, the other didn't....someone could write down anything they want to. This is why supporting both in resolving it between themselves is more effective as it doesn't rely on a third party making a judgement when that person wasn't present. it also reduces the perception that the manager/HR person is the mum/dad to two children who run to them to tell the other off. It's saying, you are both adults, you need to sort this out between and by yourselves. Of course they can bring it to you, but if you sit in judgement rather than expect and support them in resolving it by themselves you don't become a 'part' of the problem. Most progressing allegations of bullying involve one, and often both parties feeling that they've been unfairly judged by a manager or HR and the process you describe is very much at risk of that. Very often both parties will suggest they have been bullied and I'm not clear how you would deal with that common situation. I think that whether I feel I have been bullied in the past isn't pertinent as that would suggest an entirely subjective approach to the process. I'm talking about situations I've been involved in as a mediator where the most effective resolution has occurred when participants are supported in having a difficult discussion between themselves so that they create their own answers to the situation. Where nothing illegal is suggested such as harassment or even violence there can be no clear decision about whether 'bullying' has occurred or not whether one or both parties believe it to be so or not as there's no ultimate legal definition, unlike, of course, harassment and violence where, if these were alleged it wouldn't be your job to deal with anyway, it would require a legal process.

@CB19087 I'm not clear what you're asking. What if that is how you see them? The videos about people resolving bullying allegations which are unlikely to be resolved by investigation and/or by a manager trying to fix the situation, it's about expecting and supporting those involved to fix it themselves because it's their relationship issue.

@billietbarra6069 I don't see it as being about the individuals involved, it's more the system provided and the approach expected that is ineffective. Often when difficulties arise in workplaces people are told to either make a complaint to HR or shut up and that 'blunt instrument' inevitably doesn't work as it either suppresses all discussion or escalates it beyond where it has to go and immediately moves to an adversarial process that prevents attempts at resolution by keeping people apart. In between all that can be, but often is missing, is an effective support process for those directly involved to deal with it and work it out between themselves. That leads to a far more useful outcome than either of the others and saves loads of cash, time and other resources in the bargain.

@raek8940 that's really good to hear. Thank you for sharing your comment and glad you found it helpful.

@Kaahsifa thank you for comment and I hope you found it interesting and useful!

@Cobra427Veight - sounds more like a settlement conference between lawyers, not mediation. That's never been an outcome of any mediation I've done. The purpose of the mediation I'm involved in is about helping people in dispute at work to resolve and improve their working relationship, not to 'buy off' anyone. Sounds more like a legal negotiation post leaving an organisation or when in the process of doing so. That's not the kind of mediation referred to here.

@Cobra427Veight thanks for the comment. And how is the situation being dealt with? Via an investigation or by other means?

I recently used my union guy and he talked to the manager above my manager , because I had been discriminated quite badly about 10 years ago from the management and office , but these two team leaders have been repeatedly over 17 years been , de meaning and defaming me to new employees, "covertly" pretty sure there has been belittling talk as well , it's easy to pick up from what other workers say, and easy to read body language when they stabbed you in the back again , I need to decide , maybe with legal help what to do about it , it is not healthy on the brain , but its a real catch 22 , want to expose them but that exposes me more and sort of want other employees to be aware of workplace bullying and the other types of bullying as well, too much anxiety and some depression has been bad for me , I would feel better knowing that the company took it more seriously and they have put the company in a bad position all because of their gossip and loving to degrade me . Thanks

@TimeWarm - I'm not sure why I didn't notice this until now so apologies for my late reply. I think the perception you have on this maintains the point the video is making....it makes us dependent on and therefore powerless in the presence of people we see as 'energy vampires' ....as if we have no autonomy or capacity to make our own decisions and take our own actions in such situations. The view often fits with a form of blame of others for something difficult that has happened and we place the cause as being with someone else rather than to look at ourselves and why we experienced that difficulty. Blame is never useful in any such situation so saying it's because of the presence of an 'energy vampire' is one other way in which the blame approach manifests. On whatever place on a spectrum, if it exists, of 'energy vampirism', whether mild or extreme, holding to the concept always leads to 'self-disempowerment' in the way described of thinking we always have to avoid 'such people'....not recognising that in so doing, we are being negative ourselves, and also we start to constrain our own lives in order to 'avoid energy vampires'.

If saving your life essence involves being negative with a particular situation then that's self defense and self preservation. Because of the extreme force of vamping working through some people it's best to avoid them. There are other healthier people you can find to socialize with. You don't have to restrain you life: Just be wise and aware as to whom you let into your life's presence.

Hi @elijanasugianto8681 ....so as the video describes, it's the focus on proving 'bullying' that holds everything up. Focusing on what's happened and resolving that rather than trying to prove or disprove bullying is a far more effective approach. Check through the video for more of what it is saying. Even if someone feels 'bullied' by another person, whatever level or role they have, to try to prove they are being bullied is not likely to get anywhere, but dealing with the specific actions and supporting those involved to work it out together is a far more effective approach....and again I'd say see the video through to see more of what I'm saying. Thanks for the comment.

Hi @elijanasugianto8681 I've just re-read your comment and perhaps could say more than just what I said below. It is a common but often unrecognised situation where a manager feels bullied by a team member or subordinate. While it's not as recognised, the points within the video still apply as I'm speaking about the idea of 'bullying' whoever it is that is accused and whoever it is who accuses.

@golinger411 glad it helped in some way and thanks for commenting! I hope you are able to resolve any difficulties that have arisen.

@LadyLuck8_4 am delighted you found it so and thanks for your comment. If you have an interest in developing the skills of supporting people without 'rescuing' we have courses that train people in that.

@abhatia999 hi, thanks for the comment. Can you say a bit more? What is it that people break down over by trying to ignore?

@AdamSmallwood-qk4ee - that's great to hear and sorry to hear there's been a difficulty lasting that long. From my observations over the years there are definitely more self-supporting and constructive things that can be done and some that are destined for despair and, in many cases a lot of expense in relation to this stage of a neighbour dispute so I'm glad to hear this has given you some direction and I wish you well for the future.

@MojaveDaemonWitch Yep, so many different factors and challenges can come in. But ultimately, it may not always be budging or compromise that is involved, it can simply be that an understanding that it's possible to see a different perspective that is the way of moving forward. We can stay where we are but come to an acceptance that our view is not the 'absolute truth' and feel a need to 'make' others see it as such. Instead we can benefit from the fact that others see a different side or feature to the situation such that our understanding moves from being what could be described as '2-dimensional' to a '3-dimensional' understanding...perhaps more nuanced, or 'richer' or more detailed. We may. then budge, or not if our perspective works for us, but what we have gained is an understanding that others see things differently, feel differently about it, respond to it differently etc. and so instead of fighting to 'make them' see it our way, we have an openness to its subjectivity. Instead of it being 'right v wrong' it becomes a curiosity, a fascination, an opportunity for learning. However, if the fact that others see it differently leads to them acting in ways we find difficult we can consider, (as can they, but may choose not to) whether we can respond in a way that accommodates their different perspective and actions, ,I f their action is illegal we have every right to draw upon enforcement, the courts etc. But in most situations where no illegal activity is taking place our wish to establish an 'absolute rightness' to our perspective is where we lose the opportunity to learn. Glad you liked the video and thanks for the comment! Not sure if my response makes sense/works for what you raised so if not, please feel free to discuss further. Love the name by the way :-)

Glad you found it so @Tang Lydia thanks!

@Designated Black yes, they have various flaws as an approach in relation to bullying allegations. Unlike harassment which can be proven through evidence, there's no clear 'definitiion' of bullying so there's not basis on which to assess it, nor can there be in my view, but also they don't support any re-establishment of the broken working relationship. But ultimately, looking at the reality of the situation....I've not ever seen a situation that has been conclusive and so everyone involved is left 'hanging' with no closure. That's incredibly destructive to any team or organisation's morale, stress levels and effectiveness. Thanks for the comment.

@@CommunicationandConflict perhaps because the company is more invested in image than solutions.

@@designatedblack9696 Yep, in many it's 'too much of a distraction' or 'too overwhelming to deal with' for most managers. It's rarely part of a manager's job description or expected skillset to be able to help their team resolve conflict or to be particularly aware of their own communication/conflcit response skills, so it's one of those things that can become just 'costed in' to the daily running of the organisation. I guess in this video the point is as much targeted towards those wanting to pursue having an investigation as those who may be required to carry it out as I hope it means most people will pursue other aims that are self-supporting rather than bring 'all guns blazing' via a bullying claim and believe it will be conclusive if it comes down to 'proving bullying' has occurred. It won't, and if people who choose to do that, don't make contingencies for it not working, that focus more on what they want and supports them in their life first and foremost, they can get trapped into an incessant pursuit of 'winning' while they get worn out, stressed, family difficulties etc. So many people are still in a form of stress and despair years after pursuing a bullying claim because they went 'all in' for a win but no outcome arose that was conclusive but effectively lost their 'investment' as a consequence.

@Communication and Conflict True. So true.

@Communication and Conflict Do you know what is also an issue? That toxic coworkers will enlist other toxic coworkers to continue the bullying to isolate their target, allow abuse towards the target, and to block any potential upward mobility for the target. It is said that the strategy of "I" statements should help convey your message for their behavior to stop, but it doesn't stop. It gets worse. Then they (HR) say that you are to forgive them and try to work with them. The abuse is one way. The person(s) committing the abuse are not stable, as they can't even regulate themselves to stop abusing the target. Compassion goes to the toxic coworkers. And, it is harder for the target to document as the abuse comes from all sides. It's disgusting!

@Melissa McClellan that's great to hear and thanks for letting me know.

Backatcha! Hope you found it useful and continue to do so in future.

Yep, to me what you say about harassment is because of the unchallenged and unquestioned practice of always speaking of 'bullyingandharassment' as if it is one and the same. This then overpromises on bullying...but underdelivers on harassment as it is not recognised and acknowledged as a much more clearly evidenced issue and so the illegal aspect of harassment is not distilled out from the situation. Many such situations are not 'triaged' to ensure first of all that there is not evidence of harassment and then, if none, then a more relationship supporting approach such as mediation or conflict coaching to support reparation of the work relationship can be offered. If harassment evidence is 'sifted out' first of all then appropriate legal and/or other disciplinary action can be taken...and even if in such cases the identified victim wishes to, they may choose to also participate in mediation, but this is also why the mediation process must always be voluntary otherwise it risks undermining their statutory right to pursuing legal justice.

@@CommunicationandConflictas an employee you’re stuffed. I have only raised one eg harassment. I could have gone to a tribunal. I didn’t want to put myself through that. More recently I experienced both bullying and harrasment. The hiring manager was on 2 months sick leave when I came into post because of the situation he recruited me into without telling me. Even then I was stuffed. He’d declared it a sabbatical. His colleagues and his manager told me what really happened in his absence. My experience was worse because I was a woman dealing with the same male bully. Honestly. I’m decades into my career. Very occasionally it can be proven such as multi million bankers settlements on harassment. They have the resource to fight it and often raise it towards the end of their careers where not getting hired again won’t be an issue. It’s bleak. No matter the injustice, it isn’t worth trying to address it or reason or agonise over what has happened. School bullying is simply occurring except it’s in a workplace. It’s life. As an adult you can walk away. If it ever happens to me again I will resign immediately.

@@CommunicationandConflict also, if the employer won’t engage in conciliation it can’t go ahead. If the bullying and/ or harassment occur - because both can occur - to a point you are forced to resign, it’s even worse. Especially if it’s during a 3 or 6 month probation period. I’ve seen people “resolve” things internally. Their time is marked, they almost always end up leaving or taking a sideways move to a different team etc. it’s seen as a weakness.

@@pettali5007 Back to what you said in other comment....looking after number 1 is actually best in the long term and if more felt able to do so, it would lead to sooner change than is happening. I think in many large organisations it is 'costed -in' that such situations will occur and while that costing can be enormous, it allows for a mechanisation of the process without actually dealing with it. I find it hard to buy in to the kind of 'global conspiracy' view on it that some have as if all people who become managers get inducted into the 'gaslight and obstruct' order, I think most just don't have a clue how to do otherwise than their policies tell them and because they are, themselves at a loss, they inevitably can become defensive and avoiding of looking at the actual issues....they have their productivity targets to achieve but no one to help them with this 'distraction' so having the 'pass it on to legal' approach becomes the norm. It's the system that is fundamentally flawed but is often just accepted as 'the way of things'. Even by organisations such as ACAS as I referred to in the video. Thanks again. Stay well.

@@pettali5007 Absolutely....it's based on a 'parent/naughty child' view of employees who challenge but again it's because there isn't an ethos in such organisations...or sometimes just sections within it...of recognising how communication and conflict resolution are intrinsic to effectiveness, only a concern with the technical, procedural aspects. I would add however that those accused of bullying can themselves often be moved to other roles that in time then lead to constructive dismissal claims so the allegation rarely works 'for' those accused any more than it does for the person alleging. Because I'm a mediator I get to see and discuss in a fair level of depth both 'sides' in the situation and ultimately the personal outcomes for all involved can be painful and long term and in such situations the 'inhuman' organisational structural response is to avoid dealing with it and just set a path for those involved to leave (suspension, leading to stress leave, leading to termination, leading to legal claim, tribunal etc.) This is why again, I'd say your approach of looking after number 1 is best for all involved because it shows an insight and understanding of the 'best' or perhaps least worst way forward and those willing to 'go there' in their self support are often the best people to HAVE in the organisations so long term it's what means the organisation has to look at its approach in order to keep staff.

@Vladana Milivoj ah, thank you for commenting. I'm glad you found it so. Wishing you a Happy 2023!

@Alekai yes, it was in the days I was playing with making the videos so in the music interlude I thought I'd add the clown...I guess it makes it a bit more memorable but perhaps not for the right reasons :-) Hope the main content was of interest and thanks for the comment!

Thanks @Minnie Robinson glad you found it useful!

@NICKOLAZ CARTER's that's great to hear, thanks for your comment!

@Sarah Richardson - ideally not.....better to focus on discussing the particular issues and behaviour with a view to resolving them piece by piece and not get distracted into 'is it/isn't it' bullying and get stuck in that.

No problem @Sarah Richardson ...while investigations may be necessary so that it is 'seen to be done' I think it's useful to be realistic from all angles about the reality of any outcome being conclusive and so to recognise there are other options, rather than to place too much dependence on the investigation. Where people do consider other options, even while an investigation may still occur, they are much more likely to have at least a damage-reduced outcome to their situation and sometimes even a restored relationship and way forward, through processes such as mediation and conflict coaching, for example, but sometimes just from their own choices about a different way forward than 'just' via an investigation and the disappointment and frustration that will lead to.

@@CommunicationandConflict thanks. I'm watching the Psychological Safety at Work video. 👍

@@sarahrichardson3452 Great, please let me know there what you think of it.

Many points made within the video Claudia so would be interested in your thoughts on any of them, but sorry you found it wordy.

@Di Alexander - delighted to hear that and thanks for the comment. It can indeed also help with 'inner conflict' as well as with others. Often they will be linked of course. Best wishes for taking things forward.

@Life Unleashed thanks for the comment. You are of course welcome to call it what you wish :-) ....my main intention is to support listeners in being able to take some time out to reflect on how they are dealing with an unresolved conflict and some input with regard to whether they are presently pursuing the ineffective ways of dealing with conflict and to help them reconsider their approach(es) if so. Hope it helps in your situation but there may be other videos on the channel that can help further if more support is needed. If you'd like 1-1 support we also provide conflict coaching. Best wishes for moving forward in the situation and thanks again for the comment.

@@CommunicationandConflict not looking for coaching. I have done conflict resolution coaching with CEOs/executives for decades now and have done over 4 decades of work on myself as I as I believe to always start with changing my inner world first. I do appreciate the reflection part of your video. that's always a positive thing. Over the years, however, of dealing with conflict in business and personally, I have found that there are many myths about conflict resolution. One of those myths is that all conflicts can be resolved. It takes 2 to tango to even have a conversation and to understand. Not everyone wants to resolve conflict and actually gets a payoff for staying in the drama or non-resolution. Sad but true. Again, thanks for video! I enjoyed it.

@@lifeunleashed Thanks for the comments and hope your present situation improves.

@David Burroughs - mainly the comment that 'I was the first person who knew what they were talking about' as he perceived it but the focus of the call was his dispute/difficulty so any curiosity I may have had about that had to be set aside. Thanks for the comment!

🙂 @Azimuth Arts yep, it is mostly used to embellish criticisms of people 'after the event'...as if to say it was possible to see their feelings, intentions etc. at the time. It's an unfortunate example of claims of 'scientific research' treating communication as if it is something linear and mechanical and 'the same' for all of us rather than unique and that the creation of communication something more 'organic' and ultimately more akin to art than science. The initial research by Mehrabian was more about trying to quantify people's subjective interpretations of others rather than measuring something 'objective'.

@Azimuth Arts yep, losing the need for 'win/lose' right/wrong and seeing disagreement as a learning opportunity...always...no matter how strong our disagreement, is always going to help there to be some level of benefit arising from a conflict even while there may also be other destructive consequences....but approaching it in this way makes the latter far less likely as well.

@Azimuth Arts :-) indeed it is, great way to get a 'feel' for the processes we train people in rather than just discuss, but we also of course use role play and other interactive approaches. But it could also be usefully used to support the development of psychological safety at work.

@Azimuth Arts - very much appreciating your comments on the videos. This one is the most popular one I've made....interestingly it was also the first one I made....been all downhill from there 😉 But seriously the others cover different aspects of communication and conflict as you've seen. Glad you surfaced and have a good weekend.

Hi @Kelly O'Kane thanks very much, glad you like it. Do you have a particular interest in this area?

@Azimuth Arts - yep, while we may want others to be different....if we spend our time avoiding them while staying the same ourselves....as you say, life gets very small.

:-) thanks @Azimuth Arts very kind of you to have given all the comments on the different videos, hope they continue to be useful/interesting. Have a great week! / year etc. :-)

@Azimuth Arts yep, it's quite common for us to do it as we will often project our own experience and can perhaps easily assume it's true for others, but when there starts to be a difficulty in a relationship, whether one to one or between, for example an organisational management level and its staff, it will often be a feature of why. The false, and often very generalising attributions you mention are of course a source of difficulty as they can easily feel disrespectful. 'The staff are being difficult', 'You're being unreasonable', 'No one likes working here' etc. ...or 'everyone loves working here'...I'm often interested when sometimes a presentation is made and the presenter starts off by saying....'Ok I know you're going to love this and find it as exciting as I do and I can't wait to tell you!' Hmmmm :-)

@Azimuth Arts :-) well they can have their place of course but if they're not 'from the heart' then can feel/be superficial and more of an obstacle than a help..sometimes... as that video explored. Thanks for all your comments, much appreciated and hope your mediation goes well.

@Azimuth Arts yep, well via him strictly, but he was the 'channel' through which it came to my attention. But 'Watts-ey' has been a significant inspiration for me since reading 'The Way of Zen' in my late teens and many more of his writings since that time.

@Azimuth Arts thanks, Mary Esther Harding's quite is one that we use a lot on training courses to introduce the idea of conflict as being inevitable but also an opportunity to 'wake up' to the possibility of growth and change as a consequence, rather than perhaps just stress and war.

Thanks @Azimuth Arts - yes apologies can often lack any real 'meaning' if they are demanded and so many other factors can come in to the significance and purpose of an apology.