On this channel I teach you communication skills so you can improve your relationships, advance in your career, and have more confidence. I focus on a wide variety of basic communication skills, including empathy, persuasion, comforting, listening, public speaking, presentation skiils, giving advice, avoiding misunderstanding, leading teleconferences, etc. I am a college professor and research scientist, so my advice is evidence based. I am also a teacher and consultant who has trained thousands of professionals on how to communicate more effectively. If you are interested in improving your communication skills, and you like social science, you are in the right place. Please consider subscribing to the channel and clicking the notification icon so RU-vid lets you know each time we post a video. Thanks and see you soon.
It is almost like women and girls gave been programmed to conform..yeah think? Agree...we do need to develop a personality we ourselves value...not just another cookie cutter.
I don’t claim that mimesis only affects women, though I did find this gesture was more common among women. Mimesis is a property of the social world more generally. All of us are swept up in mimetic desire. We learn what to want by watching others. Then we want that too, and we imitate others to get what we want. The problem is not with mimesis, it’s with the idea of authenticity. Authenticity, if it is defined as complete originality, is almost non-existent.
I’m making a different point here. People think they are being original and authentic, but they are extremely imitative, drawing on a relatively small vocabulary of gestures and facial expressions. To the extent that authenticity means originality, the recurrence of these gestures reveals mimicry rather than authenticity. Maybe the opinions being expressed are authentic or original, but the hand gestures are demonstrably not. I could have done the same thing with common facial expressions.
@@HowCommunicationWorksOkay! Thanks for the clarification. Severe ADHD and mind-wandering problems.... 😉 What's your opinion on that sort of superficial mimicry when it becomes internalized tho'? Like a deeply-ingrained habit.
Also. Why is it, when women give “sincere” advice. They are always doing it while getting ready for something, half dressed, putting on/taking off makeup, etc. ?
I would like to be able to hear all that you have to say. Are you able to slow down please? I need time to process each statement. Even on continual replay, you're too fast for me. Thank you 😊
@@HowCommunicationWorks You are correct. However, your discussion seemed too simplistic to me. You wrote with sincerity as if every culture on Earth were bound by the same social rules and they are not. In many countries, social status has much influence on how people are treated and greeted.
That's what the traditional British Bobby says to an angry suspect: "I''m sorry you feel that way, sir. Now if you wouldn't mind just accompanying me to the station ..."
I think harsh words and even bad feelings are part of every human relationship, even the best intimate relationships. We should be realistic about how we all are, and we should not be taken in by idealistic notions of romantic love. This more realistic assessment of the possibilities of romance Will make it much easier for us to tolerate the difficulties when they inevitably arise.
I’m also crying right now. I’m a musician with Bipolar I, heat sensitivity, and chronic (brain) fatigue. These disabilities have left me unable to play music on stage and lead a band, which I used to be able to do. Singing, writing songs, and organizing shows gave me a lot of purpose and fulfillment. I’m lucky if I get to practice for one hour these days. I used to be able to practice for 3-4 hours at a time. I’m doing everything I can to try heal my brain, but it does feel like the damage is done. It’s hard to cope with reality because performing on stage was the thing that truly filled the void for me. I’m only 30, hopefully, I can heal through continuously expanding my limits in exercise and maintaining a very strict diet.
Maybe they are on to something. Conversations getting documented are a defensive posture in a world increasingly growing more litigious (in the US at least).
I do understand this, but however, we of course remember stuff that has been said to us, whether good or bad. And we've seen/sent those messages just in the same realm as we've said or received something fleeting. I guess you could reverse the same analogy: Imagine if you could just delete something mean that was said to you face to face from your memories. Or even worse, imagine if the other party "deletes" a memory of something they don't want to remember, but you do! It has been said already, and deleting it just feels like sweeping the issue (even though it would have been dealt with) under the rug.
Hmmm. Maybe. I’m the other hand, memory is faulty. There’s. O possible way to remember, word for word, what was said in face-to-face conversations. I guess we can ruminate over almost anything. But having a written record makes it too easy. I think fleeting, ephemeral conversations should stay that way. Of course, I could exercise more self control! And try not to put anything in a text that I don’t want to be endlessly re-read. But that would be too easy.
I am mostly ashamed of those and i try to change my behavior. Deleting them though, is the better. I'll probably do this forward from now. Repressing anger, or any impulsive and reactive behavior may not be helping. Focusing in improving rather than fighting the evil guy inside is in my opinion more appropriate. Emotions are transitory and the natural biological movement is getting to balance and homeostasis. Naturally if everything goes fine. So do not worry about the evil dude. It is when we're the good guy that were being arrogant. What should we owe to the one who saves the world. Saying to someone he's or she's wrong is rather impolite.
I know this isn't a scientific take, it's an opinionated take; but would you happen to have any literature to offer on these types of CMC (computer mediated communication) phenomena or experiences in people? Is there any literature or studies regarding the deletion of texts
I mostly am on team "ignoring the messages and leaving them on read forever" so I can't offer any meaningful contribution but that's an interesting question.
Me too. First party I went to after Covid I had no idea how to behave. I ended up lying on a hammock far from my friends. And then later they told me they were really pissed off.
I think you misunderstand what emotional regulation means. It doesn’t mean not feeling your feelings. It means not being overwhelmed by your feelings such that you can’t produce skillful performance. It means having a mature relationship with your feelings and not being their servant.
Thanks, good point, as always. What bothers me a lot is the message that indirectness itself carries, it can be entitlement, fear, sarcasm etc etc. Can you please elaborate on when is it okay or even recommended to use indirect speech and when it's bad?
Is it okay if I chime in, as an interested layperson? I think that's going to come down largely to how well you know someone -- what they're likely to joke about, how their body language, tone of voice, and expression changes when they're being sarcastic, and so on. Those cues might be different from person to person. Sarcasm, for instance, can be angry, critical, good-natured teasing, or even flirty. Mock approval can at times be actual approval. Sometimes it's better -- and it's all right -- to just straight-up ask someone if they're being sarcastic. Those are just some of my thoughts and as a non-professional, no offense taken if you disregard this comment. :)
Theoretically, the main place where people use indirectness is where being direct might cause someone to lose face. so often when we’re trying to be polite we are indirect. The mirror active indirectness shows someone that we are trying to pay attention to their feelings even if they can see clearly what the direct messages is. But indirect is also preserves the option of denying the potentially offensive intention.
@@HowCommunicationWorks That's an interesting perspective, many times indirectness used to make someone lose face even more than direct messages, like in sarcasm.
Definition of a bore is someone who tells you how he is when you ask. Definition of a poor communicator is someone who doesn't tell you how he is when you ask. Definition of a good communicator is the wife who tells you how you feel. Sigh! I'm "fine" by the way. I mean fine, not FINE, in case you are wondering. Deeper sigh!!
They haven’t actually rejected it. What happened is that the advisory committee voted against it. But the agency does not have to abide by the ad advisory committee recommendation. The final decision actually comes during the first week of August.
@@HowCommunicationWorks So there's still hope! I'm curious what the difference is between getting rejected and getting voted against by an advisory committee.
I think it’s a long-term process. Basically you should think about what to say, make a prediction in your head about what effect it will have, then say it, and observe the actual effect. Then update your model if your prediction was wrong. And if your prediction was right, you kind of want to reinforce that part of the model.
Communication is strategic. We are always using communication to achieve our goals. Often those goals involve influencing other people. Why do you see this as manipulation?
@@HowCommunicationWorks Thanks for asking. I suspect you have a fundamentally different mindset from me, especially given your reply. My mindset is admittedly unusual. I would never ever say that our goals involve influencing other people. I believe everyone should do exactly what they want to do, and I see ideal/harmonious collaboration, cooperation, delegation, and such as transfers of information. I want everyone to process that information in their own way as well as they can, coming to their own decision in their own way as to whether we share a given viewpoint or we don't. I'm rather stoic, I adore Star Trek (that might help in understanding this actually), and I do despise manipulation in any forms, so I'm rather attuned to it. Do you agree or disagree with that? I will also say that the world is not a fair place and a little manipulation of adults, especially with overall good intentions, can be a good thing overall, though I'd prefer to not go that route whenever possible. It's undeniably valuable though, especially to those with bad intentions. And obviously well-intentioned manipulation of young children is critical to their development. It is quite evident that excellent communication requires all sorts of little well-intentioned manipulations like varying pitch, varying sentence length, varying speed, engaging body language, etc. I still think it's most accurate to call them manipulations because the definition of manipulation, at least to me, is influencing someone in a way that, without that extra manipulation, they would not otherwise do/believe that thing of their own accord.
What word or thought is best? Carefully or carelessly change your thoughts or thinking just to get along or go along? Listen for the emotion(s) behind what was said instead of what could be directly expressed emotion. Articulation moves the dialogue to understanding that gives people standing.
My perspective is that communication is strategic. What that means is that we use communication to achieve goals. Those goals can be very practical like teaching someone something or selling someone something or persuading someone to do something. It can also be very abstract like the goal of expressing ourselves or, showing someone that they are loved or comforting someone. But in any of these cases, there was a goal. The message that is best is the one that best achieves the goal.
I really appreciate this video, I know that I ask questions and then continue to talk, I don’t know why, but I really wanna stop doing that. It has to be very annoying for the other person. I’m making progress just by being intentional about wanting to shift. Why do they not teach this in school? Maybe I just wasn’t paying attention.😂
I love your videos, they are so helpful. I did not grow up in a household with good communication skills. Some people are hard to read. There’s something called “resting bitch face.” Some people when their spaces at rest they look angry, even though they’re not. This is why a smile can make all the difference, if they smile back then they’re not really angry, they just look angry. My husband has this problem and everybody thinks he’s mad all the time even though he’s not. I guess this is why we are encouraged to smile more often just in case we have this condition. 🥰
There are lots of people who NEVER run out of things to say but nearly none of it is interesting. Many people who are socially awkward and have a hard time to have a conversation in the bar or at a business meeting have extremely interesting thoughts that they just can’t express. I have experienced this many times. Many persons whom I thought was boring with only superficial thoughts, later showed up to have deep and interesting thoughts that they were also able to express as soon as we met under different circumstances and in other environments etc .
I agree. It’s not just having something (anything) to say. It’s having something relevant, interesting, kind, considerate, etc. to say. And this is much harder than just verbalizing a random stream of consciousness. I also agree that the context is a key factor. Some people are most comfortable in a large group, with lots of noise and activity. Others can only think clearly and communicate well in smaller groups and quieter settings. It’s important to learn this about ourselves and others.
Cushie here. I was just thinking about this yesterday. It's lonely and isolating ss noone I know, in person, can understand this. Also Noone wants to hear my negativity...Cushing's causes mood and depression problems so its really hard for me to stay positive. I generally just don't talk about it.
