As a late-diagnosed autistic person, I make videos to reflect on my own experiences to increase understanding and acceptance of autistic people.
I hope that this channel will be especially useful to other late-diagnosed autistic adults, though it is open to anyone with an open mind, whether they are autistic or not.
If just one person feels supported by any of my videos, my work is done.
It's very flattering of you to ask - thank you. I don't have any 'official' papers that have been published, though I can share essays/dissertation by request! Email is autisticnotalien@gmail.com I very occasionally publish my political thoughts on my website: neillaurenson.co.uk/
@@AutisticNotAlien I will make sure to request it. If the way you script your RU-vid videos is a small indicator of your writing, I really would love to read anything political that you spent more time on. I don't think I have read any political writings by an autistic person.
Space invaders! I watched in horror (lol, but yeah) as you described the home invasion. As it became certain that the person was willing to go so far as to lift bed covers, I felt the cringe. It breaks trust, confidence, and boundries.😮
Good point. If you're really struggling and feeling depressed, I would suggest seeking support through organisations such as the National Autistic Society or Samaritans, or whatever the equivalent is in other countries.
Yep, good old Syd. I spent a couple of years writing a book called 'Crazy Diamonds', which is based on my first year at uni. It's a shame the book is rubbish.
Yes i watched the relatively recent released film about him a few weeks ago , called have you got it yet? I enjoyed it. I remember going down the floyd/ barret wormhole in my younger days its a right of passage. Im sure your book is'nt rubbish 🙋♂️
@@jamesnock5572 Thank you for making me aware of 'Have You Got It Yet?' I've just read a Guardian article about it. I think this comment is harsh but understandable: "'Although he’s hailed by some as a lyrical genius, the truth is that most of his output was grating psychedelic whimsy..." I think this next comment is unusually empathetic in the context of music journalism: "What makes his tale a tragedy is not so much that Barrett stopped making music, but that his family, and in particular his sister, had to look after him, day in, day out, for 25 years." And this comment seems silly for the sake of it: "One of the interesting aspects of Pink Floyd’s origins is the impeccably middle-class world from which they emerged in Cambridge. They were all far too sensitive and entitled to become just another rock band." I'm almost certain that Syd Barrett was autistic and happened to live during a time when experimentation in pop music was encouraged. My best friend at Cambridge was obsessed with 60s music (especially Hawkwind). It's weird that I ended up bumping into Syd and my friend didn't. I'm glad that Syd (Roger) still inspires so many people.
On a train one time I had to endure listening to a woman who seemed to be able to talk incessantly all the way from Bristol to Brighton. I could have gone by car in peace and quiet and have made hardly any journeys by train since.
The man I met on the train just steamrollered straight into a monologue about what was on his mind - it just didn't occur to him that I might just want to be left in peace. Very odd and uncomfortable.
@@AutisticNotAlien I find it odd that we autistics are allegedly not aware of the feelings of others yet many of us take care not to impose on other people while some (and I stress the some) apparently non autistic people have no hesitation at all in imposing themselves on complete strangers. I have decided that next time this happens to me the solution will be to say, as pleasantly as I can manage, something like "thank you for engaging me in conversation but I am not a great conversationalist and prefer to read my book/listen to my audio/look out of the window at the passing scenery". I realise that this might be easier to say now than to put into practice at the time.
@@billeaton1970 Yes, my thoughts exactly. You've expressed this so well. One reason I'm so cautious about conversations is that I'm hyper-empathetic - contrary to the myth that autistic people have no feelings. I never want to say the wrong thing because I absolutely hate hurting people's feelings. I felt so uncomfortable during my train trip that I had to drum up the courage to calmly explain that I wanted to opt out of the conversation/monologue. And even then, I felt bad. However, I don't think I needed to feel this way - as I left the train, the man was chuntering away to another poor soul.
I have been told regularly by neurotypical people that I look unapproachable by default. For a while, I thought this was a problem. Now, it’s my autistic superpower. Still, people on public transit are immune. I’m regularly the first person approached by people who need to get something off their chest. I hate it.
I can totally relate to being somewhere and wanting to get away from someone. I went to the thrift store a few months ago. I was looking at some books (my favorite isle). I made the mistake of saying something to the man next to me because every now and then I try to be a little extraverted for kicks and giggles. I commented "These Japanese books are interesting." I expected he would say "yes" and that would be the end up it. He began to talk about country music and how he met Kenny Rogers one time. As he was talking I was wanting to get away but my every attempt felt like he didn't "get the picture." I finally awkwardly said "well, thank you for talking. Bye." He looked confused. But I was out of the conversation. Next time I won't try to speak to someone when I'm on the book isle.
Yes, sometimes I'll be in a good mood (it happens), and I'll actually start a conversation. But when the other person just sees you as some sort of conversational dartboard without feelings or thoughts of your own, then that's just very depressing.
'Kiss Me' was a brilliant song, and I did the same. My Favourite Game by The Cardigans was another one...but I could go on and on about songs I have had on repeat. In fact, I even made videos that haven't seen the light of day where I talk about songs I like, why I like them, and then play it. It was for Patreon and then it ended up hidden in a folder. I need to stop doing that. Great to see you tapping into yourself with the song too. Spot on video as always mate!
Thank you, Paul. No idea why I've only just seen your comment, so please accept my apologies for the delayed acknowledgement! I've got the Favourite Game riff in my head now! Lovefool is a brilliant song, and probably a bit underrated. I'd love to hear you talk about songs you like - release the videos!
I think the mask stops some people from getting close, but the good people can see why you're wearing a mask and appreciate you for who you are: an autistic person just trying to survive and thrive in this chaotic world not designed for us.
Scapegoating abuse regulates the rest of the family's (masks of) "sanity". We have intraspecies predation as a consequence of civilization itself obviating our omnivorous need to hunt. So psychopathy has never been a diagnosis because everyone's a psychopath to someone. That's what culturally designated ideological outgroups are about.
Thank you, Michael. Yes, I've really noticed the ADHD side recently. Constant need for activity and endless supply of whacky ideas. Not helpful when I have a day job and other responsibilities to fulfil!
Another top-notch video! Music played a big role in my life for many years. Searching for the meaning of life through lyrics maybe? Words and noises arranged to evoke meaning and emotion... Anyway, I'm totally going to lookup some of the artists you mentioned. Can't wait until Nine et Neuf does a US tour, haha! Seventeen by Sharon Van Etten has been my "repeat" song lately.
I occasionally pay proper attention to lyrics, but I'm mainly interested in the sounds and how they somehow magically provoke such intense feelings. Do look up the artists I mentioned! I like the song Seventeen. Not sure when Nine et Neuf are touring the US!
I really enjoyed this video Neil.... Makes me want to go create something! I have very little artistic things on my channel. But with a love for videography, I think it would be fun. I bet you enjoyed making this one....I think music is so important for us! :) Your made up names for songs....hilarious! Very creative.
There's plenty of artistic material on your channel! Mine is just super silly and extra indulgent. I enjoyed making this video, but it took sooooo long! Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed watching it.
I used to be a vocalist in a metal band. Such a great experience. However, I found shows to be a challenge when engaging with the crowd... "Hey... hello everyone! This next song is called... uh... what is it called again? Ah... just play the song *uncomfortable silence*... play the song please." The ability to funnel my rage and and sadness into song was amazing, and I felt truly at peace after my musical expellation. It was like I'd tapped into some unwieldy form of extroverted energy.
That's so cool that you were a vocalist in a metal band. It's cool that you were in a band, whatever the genre! My friend Paul used to be in a band - his RU-vid channel is Adult with Autism, which is also the name of his soundcloud (he writes more acoustic songs these days, but you can still hear the metal in his voice!)
@@AutisticNotAlien Ah nice! I'll check out your friend's channel! I often wonder these days if I wasn't having a sort of performative meltdown onstage. With a lot of the positive interactions we had with crowds (perhaps not so much when I spoke between songs) there would be this supercharged feeling I'd feel as if I had acquired a slight aspect of superspeed. I'd see this as an extroverted conduit of sorts... a social electrocution, if you will. Soon after the energy left me, I felt completely at peace. I was basically abandoned by the band without explanation after close to 20 years of being together. It makes some sense as I often didn't mesh with the general aesthetic of the band, and I often clashed with the members for their ignorant behavior. I also felt less comfortable onstage and wanted to make music without the ego posturing. I am trying to get back to songwriting, but I've somewhat hyperfocused on vocals without building on any other aspect. I'm a little inept software-wise, but I do want to create some compositions through sampling and audio manipulation. Would you suggest any sort of approach or software in particular?
@@Ophmar4 I occasionally do poetry readings (I'm doing one tonight!), and before I realised I'm autistic, I often wondered why I struggled so much to just speak with people in the interval or afterwards. Even my ad libs for my reading were scripted! On stage, I was in control, but when I'm off stage, I'm in a world of unpredictability, egos, competition, hidden rules... Basically, I know what it's like to feel abandoned. I just can't play the game that most people seem to enjoy playing, so now I'm giving myself permission to pour more energy into things I enjoy - like silly RU-vid videos and songs. Talking of which...I'm not sure about sampling and audio manipulation (though it's something I would absolutely love to try). I use the most basic version of FL Studios, which doesn't allow vocals to be included - I record all my vocals on my phone! I then add them into Camtasia once I've finished filming the video. It's very crude and amateurish, but I like the limitations, especially when I'm making a parody that is deliberately simple in tribute to the early days of synth pop! I really like some of Dayglow's songs (e.g. 'Can I Call You Tonight?'), and he's made RU-vid videos about how he produces them. He uses Logic Pro.
@@AutisticNotAlien I used to hit the stage with help from alcohol, but that was rather unsustainable. A poetry reading sounds like a really interesting performance, and I like the idea of scripting the intervals between the substance! I'd try to force interactions in the past, and it often led to shock of discomfort from others. I've been diagnosed since 4 months ago, and I am very much aligned with investing in myself as well. I'm also in my early 40s, and I do feel like fitting into these neurotypical standards have really confused who I am. I've always found the performance of social interaction itself really interesting, so my own social performance is very curated. I use a social strategy I've dubbed predictive probability where I form the basis of interactivity, and I practice weeks or months in advance to navigate the paths the conversation could lead to. I sort of enjoy this, strangely enough, and I don't really know who I am without the mask. Thank you so much for sharing, and thank you for the insight! I've been enjoying your videos and I appreciate your perspective and style. I feel like I relate to your experience quite a bit, and I look forward to the next upload!
@@Ophmar4 I'm so glad you have enjoyed the videos. I think making a video is like your 'predictive probability' strategy because it's about planning ahead and being satisfied that you tried your best to show yourself in your best light. I'm always anxious because I can't always predict what's going to happen. Making a RU-vid video is to know exactly what's going to happen in a mini universe you created.
😊 I don't have a huge musical knowledge but I do like a lot of different music and would feel deprived if i could not listen to something when I want to, I also listen to music on repeat and wasn't aware this was unusual. Until recently.
I honestly thought that everyone listened to songs on repeat. I'm not especially knowledgeable about music either, but I know what I like and I like what I know!
@@BlueRoseHelen252 Yes, me too - if I don't like it, I *really* don't like it! I love deep diving into music I love, though I'm usually more interested in the people & culture rather than the mechanics of music.
I don't know exactly how to make friends anymore. I had a few good friends; however, they are too far away. I've found that ironically, it's so easy to connect with people these days (in theory). However, in practice, either because of me or them, we all can't seem to keep in contact. I'm terrible at doing phone calls. I feel anxiety about video calls, but in a funny way it's better, but I also need to plan out calls, so it makes having a call more complicated that others would think it should be. So, in an effect, I don't make many calls. So when not actually spending time with anyone anymore. It feels like I'm all alone. I feel better being with friends in person and just doing things, rather than having to say things all the time, or I feel OK with some friends that are good at leading conversations or coming up with activities. Then I can bounce off their ideas or not. But with proximate being a problem. It's me mostly alone, working at home also alone. There is family here, but it's different.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I really dislike phone calls, as I never know when to speak, and I can't tell if someone is really listening, or whether they're bored, or...etc. I also feel better about doing rather than talking! I like to think that sharing RU-vid videos makes a few people feel less alone. It certainly makes me happier, anyway!
@@AutisticNotAlien Yeah that makes sense. Though when it becomes more than one person or if that person seems very imposing, then in person is also tricky.
@@Passing_for_Neurotypical Yes. I really struggle to be around groups of people. Too much to process. Too much worrying if I'm doing/saying the right thing.
I had a childhood friend that I reconnected with in adult age and we hung out for a few years, we had a shared (in my case special-) interest in movies. But as time went by it was more and more just I who initiated us spending time together. Eventually he started making very transparent excuses and cancel closer and closer to the time we had decided. After he had done this three times in a row I understood that he didn't want to see me and stopped contacting him. But like you say, I have absolutely no idea why to this day. I have had several similar experiences with other "friends".
I'm sorry to hear this, and I'm sorry that I identify with it a lot. This is another reason I love watching and making autism videos - it means I'm part of a community, and one in which our autistic personalities are a reason to bond instead of separate.
Hey man, loved the humor sprinkled throughout the video! Tough topic for sure. You handled it with honesty and allowed yourself to be vulnerable - that takes tremendous courage. I'd like to have a friend like you!
Thank you so much. I really enjoy trying to weave in some laughs, but I need to get the truth out too - or at least, my version of the truth. I'm just one autistic person out of millions. Humour and videos help me cope with the chaos we call life.
@@AutisticNotAlien After watching this video, I binged watched your entire channel last night. You're really good at this! You're a great storyteller. Your ability to blend soul-crushing topics, a bit of humor, and visually bringing all that together with your editing and cinematography - it's hitting on all cylinders. Each video is getting better. This is superb content and must have taken you a really long time to create. Anyway, your videos are finding me when I need them most! Just know that they have, indeed, helped at least 1 person. I certainly subscribed and am looking forward to learning more about your experience and perspective!
@@swhammond_swh Thank you so much for your comments, Sean - they mean a lot. Over the past three years, I’ve been inspired by several brilliant RU-vid channels, and I thought it would be fun to try making my own videos. They take more hours than I care to admit, but if they help people accept their autistic selves and make them feel part of a community, then every hour is absolutely worth it. Life is often harder for us, so we owe it to ourselves to find happiness and love where we can.
