@notdefining is a space for anyone who wants to better understand their orientation, gender, identity, self-expression, relationships and mental health.
We provide content, community and support for those who have complex, undefined, fluid or intersectional identities.
Mark is a certified, specialist mental health and relationship coach with years of experience helping people find their best selves however they define.
He/they have real lived experience of living as a bi+/fluid, asexual-spectrum, non-binary person and you can hear all about Mark’s experiences on the channel.
@notdefining is a place of zero judgment and total safety. So why not come and join us, we’re excited to get to know you more…
I'm just beginning the journey of self acceptance. . . Thank you, hearing 'it's not your fault" really helped me. It's awful that internalised homophobia is so endemic. I've spent years with anxiety, too scared to try much of anything at all, and now I know why.
I'm so glad you're a survivor and able to share your stories. I wouldn't have known this is what I've been experiencing and knowing the name, SO OCD, really puts me at ease. Less questioning about my sexuality and more recognizing my possibly undiagnosed OCD. Definitely would make the last few years far less painful. Thanks for the help. I do see some Reddit posts and stuff with similar experiences and thoughts, I do wonder if mentioning SO OCD to them might get them the help they need.
Hey Tim thank you so so much for your kind gift! I’m so touched. I really appreciate you so much thank you! I’m sending so much love and gratitude your way. 🩷🩷🩷🩷
I’m 29, married with a four year old son. I’ve finally just told people I’m bisexual. I have queer family now I can finally say I am too it’s a celebration. Just sad that biphobia is a thing, as well as all other phobias against queer and minority people. I really need an LGBTQ+ channel I can trust without any gatekeepers or bitches. I don’t think there’s that many or maybe I’ve found the wrong channels. I think this is. I don’t quite feel I belong yet like I haven’t earned it, I hope to change that. Ready to learn sensai (probably been watching too much Cobra Kai).
As a bisexual man, if a person ever ask me "are you sure you are bi?", I would love asking back "are you sure you are straight?" and see their reaction xD
You're only 'bisexual' if your intent is to date or go out and be with members of BOTH sexes in the future. Otherwise, you are ether "straight" or "gay", even if in the past you might have Had Been bisexual at one point. that it, the rules are pretty clear on that
I completely agree. "Just treat people as people" and then they say all these other things that doesn't feel like we're people. Its all these conditions. "If they do this its not natural or good for them", "not normal", "its a sin". Its some kind cognitive dissonance. I am expecting the bare minimum of being treated like a person, it just feels like its not. I can be nice and treat people like people, but these people don't, nice on paper but not practical or reality. We are just not there yet. I want to be left alone, but on the other hand, it makes me learn how bad it can truly get, so I want to fight for people in the community. I'm definitely no educator, maybe challenge them a bit to really dig deep on how their thinking actually is. I do like talking about experiences, I share mines all the time. I've been listening to other experiences outside of the gay community. I have plenty of queer friends but I could support them better. I keep hearing all this transphobia everywhere and it makes me want to listen to trans people. We do have some biphobia in the gay community, listening to bi experiences is helping me improve my own communication. We're not a monolith, we're diverse, but I feel like even with the community fighting, we can be strong when it matters. Also yes I love the nail polish. I hope to find more of these "in the trenches" type during the times our rights are being threatened. I can defend myself in normal situations. I don't trust these "allies" enough when it comes to voting to protect our rights. I don't expect people to completely understand us, but I just want our rights to stay/be equal and stop spreading so much queerphobia.
Im bisexual and also believe that only bisexual people should only date each other because the heterosexual community doesn't understand Bisexual people but always want to ridicule not to mentioned have insults.
Oh...Didn't realize this could be OCD. I know I have a lot of looping thoughts (in general) so I keep a journal and I walk a lot, usually helps with these thoughts.
I have to be honest I still don’t understand asexuality and it’s a bit frustrating because I really want to understand. I know it’s annoying for asexuals when ppl think it’s a libido thing but I still don’t understand how is asexuality different from a low libido. I’m just confused. If anybody is willing to explain further I’m all ears 💕
Hey thanks so much for trying to understand. That’s all we really need. You don’t need to understand us at all. Just be cool. I don’t understand heterosexuality for example but I still love and accept straight people…(most of them haha!). I have a video explaining the difference between asexuality and libido here. ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-ZE_PWvwQHOQ.htmlsi=r8Q9RrdJlJlMAjE8
To speak with me and many other like-minded people, join us on patreon.com/notdefining. For 1:1 coaching with me you can book an appointment at www.notdefining.com/coaching-info. To support my work and get priority replies to comments and more, click the JOIN button.
So I’m taking my notes here: For me being romantic means - being able to fall in love with someone so romantic feelings, wanting to hold hands, wanting that person to be someone important for me, seeing them as an important part of my life, seeing them as my future partner, thinking about our future together, making plans, seeing them as my „comfort place” if that makes sense, wanting to be close on an intellectual level like diving in on the deep topics in conversation, wanting to have an emotional intimacy and support from them. Hope that helps someone!
OMG this resonates so much. literally everything. this is sooooo liberating to just see someone like you in those most fragile areas. It is most devastating to live without any "rolemodels" whatsoever for the whole life. I kinda feel pride in being a standalone, but sometimes it it just a little bit overwhelming. The only difference for me would be I rather identify as a pansexual, but that is a tiny thing in comparison really.
I have gradually been growing more comfortable with being bi but the bi-cycle and living in a homo-phobic (though growing more accepting) has made this a journey of endless stress, to the point where its hard to remember what peace feels like 😒.
You are so correct. I mean, it is just ridiculous when they say that a woman is an adult human female and that a man is an adult human male. How stupid can they be?
Hey thanks for your comment. I don’t think anyone is stupid, it’s a really complex concept and we are taught and conditioned that sex is a binary, so I completely understand why people think that way. People are also legitimately concerned that women’s safety is under threat, which is a valid concern. It’s just a question of education I think.
Yup,a lot of this resonates with me.Scotland being an omniphobic hellhole.Bisexuality not being an option-gay/straight that's it! No ifs,no buts."Coming out" as gay (despite not actually being gay).The biphobic,exploitative cesspit that was the gay scene.The self-loathing.The depression.The anxiety.The suicidal ideation.The hopelessness.The total isolation.The shame.The guilt.And worst of all the terrifying fear of what's inside you and how you MUST suppress it.Even though it's totally destroying your life.Hating what you really are and being hated.And you have to keep it all to yourself. Hmmm,wasn't much fun being bisexual in "the good old days".
I was sitting on the couch and thought: it would be great to have the relationship with girl/woman as a female myself. Than imagined how good it might be and then got confused: does it mean I'm bi? Straight ppl wouldn't think so ig... I had this feeling for a long time but only now I decided to understand what am I feeling. Ty :)
Hey thanks so much for sharing. This is totally natural and normal. You can definitely define that as bi. Then it’s up to you whether you feel it’s a word you want to use to describe yourself or not.
Sometimes I feel like a pareto principle. Roughly 80% gay, 20% straight; 80% asexual and 20% sexual. But it in reality it really depends on the person. My environment thinks rather black and white, so in their eyes, i´m just gay.
Ohhh...interesting. This makes a lot of sense. I used to have a lot of girl friends and I did have some deep connections with them, sorta like a bromance in a way just between a gay man and a woman. I get a bit silly, a little stupid, more free and supportive when I'm in this romantic state. I think that's what I've been missing lately, I feel like I need to repair my friendships with women again before it got complicated with biphobia and stuff. Maybe I'm gay but want to have deep connections with women again where it feels comfortable and not hostile which I've been feeling lately. While I do like bi stuff from time to time, maybe I just find bi men attractive, sorta like how I found the bi male characters in my past very attractive. I never watch straight or lesbian stuff...And if I still get confused about my sexuality again, I'll just have to let it happen naturally.
I agree with all these points. I'm vers and have a wide attraction when it comes to men, from feminine/flamboyant to masculine, twink to bear, etc. But I do like looking mostly at muscular men. I like suits but also minimal clothing too, I grew up staring at a lot of male underwear models before watching all the gay stuff. I like the roughness and the dominance, but also don't mind being sensual and passionate too. Something about men just feel so freeing and it feels so safe. Being able to support each other through the roughness of life. Men are just so insanely attractive. It doesn't have to be gay relationships either, I do really like to support my straight male friends as well, just without the sexual parts. Something about connecting with fellow men feels great.
I agree, I'm very into queer culture so straight women just feel...so straight lol. The way straight people treat each other is just gross. But I often hear from straight guy friends perspective and I like to defend my friends, especially since we're both men, I feel more sympathy. There's a lot of straight women writing about gay fiction, some of them are okay but a lot of times I feel weird reading them. I don't want to be fetishized by straight women. And yet, majority of the biphobia came from women in my experience, its just weird.... I wonder if I just need to be friends with more bi/queer women...I like my masculine side, but straight women just seem to always enforce masculinity and gender roles on me and I don't want to put myself in a box. I want to express myself and my opinion, but they're always constricting it. I want to be equals and both be able to express ourselves.
Just date Bi women, my dude, I'm a masculine presenting Bi guy also. In fact, when I'm with a woman, she has to be Bi or Pan only. I automatically reject a woman who tells me she is straight, I don't want to deal with their b.s. let straight men handle them.
Very interesting, I've always been able to relate to both women and men growing up. I did get bullied by boys in middle school, but I got through it. It just felt like it was the normal middle school experience. High school and over, men were actually very nice to me. I couldn't relate to sports and stuff, but I played a lot of video games so I was able to get friends that way. I was also able to appear straight enough for women too because I wasn't very exposed to queerness, the most I got was bisexual male characters and I was able to relate to them in that way. The more accepted queerness became, I also started adopted those behaviors. I'm still comfortable being masculine, but I can be a little more expressive. I'm not sure if my sexuality changed or I just changed my behaviors to being far more open to the gay experience. My younger me was very clueless to the queer world and the LGBT+ hate, but it allowed me to express my sexuality through discovery and naturally instead.
Interesting...I was always a bit confused on how bi-cycles work so I wasn't sure if I had one. I'm pretty much always attracted and romantically wanting men, but with women I'm usually uninterested and don't pay attention, but sometimes I get a little bit of attraction. I don't think I've ever had it take away attraction from men tho. I do find myself panicking when I have these feelings and I keep justifying myself or overthinking things. Its like overcomplicated for the sake of being overcomplicated. I don't go out of my way to attract women, don't fantasize, I'm mostly disgusted with the idea of being with a woman, I don't see myself happy if I was in a "straight relationship". But I don't feel the same way when it comes to more feminine gay men or gay femboys, I do find them attractive, there's no shame associated with it. A lot of biphobia came from women when I was still discovering myself. Women in general doesn't feel safe for me, a lot trauma from my mom, women seem a lot more hostile, so I rather treat them like friends and not get too close anymore. I still don't think it would affect my sexuality that much tho. Maybe my sexuality isn't as fluid as most bi people's, but just a little more fluid than a straight/gay person's.
As a cis woman who feels that sex is a deeply spiritual and emotional experience, I'm curious if you feel that this is a fundamental difference between men and women's view of sex or if it is a somewhat socially conditioned difference (ie that the emotional and spiritual seem to be cultivated at much greater capacity in AFABS than in men)? Depending on your answer, I'm also curious if you think men could/would want to develop an experience of sex that is more spiritual/emotional? Really sweet video! It's nice to hear men affirm women's attributes in a way that doesn't feel objectifying!
@@susanwright6168 this is a wonderful question and the short answer is I’m not sure. There is something called proceptive and receptive attraction which is quite complex but basically sex hormones which follow a menstrual cycle can be more focused on certain times of the month, then other times the attraction is more picked up from feelings, energy, thoughts and fantasy rather than direct hormonal arousal so women would be more likely to have both a more intense sexual attraction at times and at times a more expansive one. Without a menstrual cycle the hormones are more constant and less changing so men would be normally more likely to have a more direct and less complex experience of arousal. Dr Lisa Diamond is a good person to look up for research into this. But basically yes definitely conditioning comes into it and yes I see men learning a lot about their capacity for arousal when they break down hetero masculine limits.
So how do you explain that the down low men and women and it seems like everyone is having gay sex with other men and women are having gay sex with other women and Homophobic people seem to be gay
Literally on this channel bc I’m confused about identifying as Bi. How ironic that the first thing on the video is that Bi people are confused about being Bisexual. Soooo am I Bi or still confused 😐😂
Check out my playlist on bisexuality. Hopefully there is lots of info there. You can use the label bi if it feels right for you. Being confused is natural and you’re not alone. I’m glad you’re here and you are very welcome either way. 🩷💜💙
I feel like in the past I was more open to the bi label and open to relationships to women, of course back when people expected us to default to straight. I didn't know what biphobia was when I was growing up, only until I was an adult. Now I'm just not after years of internalized biphobia. I've always had been more attracted to men, but I definitely don't go out of my way to seeing/fantasizing women romantically or sexually anymore. I was definitely on the bi spectrum in the past and now it feels like I'm mostly homosexual until I do have a bi-cycle that makes me attracted to women for a moment. I do want to connect with bi men since I do share some experiences with them, but I'm also very connected to gay communities. I think the most accurate label is "I'm very attracted to men", that feels the most right to me. Gay is somewhat boxing myself in (but also feels true) and bi doesn't feel right either. It explains what I want and its very accurate without needing to explain the complex stuff. I keep getting uncomfortable with labeling myself. I wished labels didn't really matter but it does seem to matter to everyone else.
Having comfortably identified as bi for years, I recently got into really bad thought spirals regarding my sexuality. It came as a bit of a chock and I've had a really hard time dealing with it the last couple of months. Your channel is literally the ONLY thing I came across that actually calmed me down and changed my perspective and my attitude towards myself. Your way of talking about bisexuality makes me feel so incredibly seen and understood (and NORMAL?!!), so I just want to thank you sincerely for doing what you do!
A girl here. But mine came when I came as a lesbian. I identified as bisexual prior and then I noticed I never felt completely comfortable with boys. Or wanting the relationships I had with boys to be like the ones I had with girls. Then I was suddenly bombarded with my past with men. So, it’s like… me trying to understand that. Forcing myself to try to be comfortable with men or having impulsive s*x with men, feeling awful. Mind you, my attraction to men felt differently before my Sexual Orientation OCD. But I did have experiences with men so I can’t deny that. But I do understand the fluidity of sex and I’ve spoken to a lot of people who identify as monosexual who have doubt and the like. Or they just feel more comfortable with one gender. Some report attraction to only one. But I can acknowledge that I had a past with men but that doesn’t mean I’m bound by it either.
Absolutely. You can acknowledge the diversity and variance across time and the grey areas but you are not bound by anything. It’s all totally natural and unique to you.
