Gosh, this is really triggering and affirming bc my ex would either blame me or blame herself like this and just, to jave it confirmed that I'm not crazy, that she was abusive even if she didn't _fully_ realise it.. I.. thank you.
At the end of the day you can’t expect other people to be there for you. It’s not only selfish but it’s a mentality that will lead to total failure. It’s not anyone else’s job to get you through mental health struggles.
This is beautiful. I would only add a simply question before all of this: "do you wanna talk about" if the answer is no,then I would act like he said in this video. But this is amazing,me being a depressed person I can say that this is all that I'd wish a friend would do to me. This video gives me hope.
. People cant be used. People can only feel they are being used have been used. He says they both need healing. thats correct. A healed person will never say they were used. A healed will take responsibility.
I wish I heard this advice ages ago. I have a depressed girlfriend to whom I tried many things. I did the asking thing I did the suggesting thing I sometimes just did the doing thing And I know 100% that I shouldn’t expect brimming happiness from a depressed person - and I didn’t. But when the reaction is always either harsh rejection or indifference (on the surface) You never know when you’re doing the right thing, it always feels like you’re doing the wrong thing- and often she seems to end up sadder and angrier than when you walked into the room. The first few times, even few months I was able to get over. But over years it got exhausting. Because the thing that always felt like the right thing to do, was to blame it on myself. Day after day, of telling myself it’s because i’m stupid, that she’s saying these things to me. It was the easiest conclusion. I didn’t want anyone to support or comfort me, because it would be preposterous to ask for that, for someone as useless as me. But telling yourself that every single day can’t be healthy. Over years, it grinded away at my self-esteem and ability to do anything. I still love her Her condition has gotten better But I still seize up when she shows the smallest, tiniest sign of rejection or irritation, and lose the ability to think straight. I don’t want to say anything, because I don’t want to hate myself anymore. I don’t know where to go for help. Excuse me for the endless rant.
What people say instead is: Don't worry, you are going to be fine. You still have XYZ to enjoy. I was in a bad situation once and now I tell you all about that.
I think part of the tendency we have to resent our parents is an instinct to push away from them so we can become individuals, which in large part means correcting in ourselves the flaws that came from them. Now that I’ve healed a lot of personal wounds and done a lot of individuation I can talk to my parents and enjoy it, but that’s only come after three years of no contact to heal and become the person I wanted to be rather than the person they wanted me to be.
A lot of people can't phrase anything to "I need to" or "I want to", because the one thing they don't want, is to be perceived as needy. Not saying it's healthy, just saying it's very hard. Also formulating exactly what you want isn't that easy, cause you have the sense something's lacking so you feel loved for instance, but you don't know what exactly.
I disagree with you. We are all energy and holding on to hatred & resentment are negative energy that affects me more than anyone else. It is like an invisible umbilical cord that will keep me tied up to the offender and this is something that transcends time and space. One needs to cleanly cut this cord in order to be able to move on. Freedom from this negative energy is the first step to healing. I certainly do no need to remain in contact with the offender, boundaries are indeed needed. I prefer to walk away and not look back. That freedom allows me to heal and I also can feel inner peace. Certain individuals, those who betray your trust are no longer inside ones inner circle. No relationship can exist or even develop when there is no trust. And this is why rather move on.
That's not deep, that's heavy and emotional When someone passes away, you're probably frustrated and sad they are gone forever, just like billions of people have felt before you
A depressed person can rarely articulate this type of information. Friends and family will often feel frustration, anger and rejection because of it. I am so grateful for you and this simple yet powerful message. 😔
Okay I loved that someone said cuz it needed to be said right? But I have a genuine question...u say turn shame into grief but grief of what? Grief of the hurt tht the other person went through or grief tht you did tht thing....I mean if u use grief to draw people in and u do this everytime, won't like become a crybaby or something? I'm just curious and i probably didn't understand what he was trying to say but can someone explain this to me please?
Disagree. I love it when people show they care and check up on how I'm doing. Helps to talk through what I'm feeling and if they're true friends they listen really well.
I have a question and would love to see a video on it. And idk if this will need a tw but this will be blunt. Just fyi. Can you explain the thought process of people who say things like “people think I’m funny but I’m just mean” and just straight up own that they are a totally foul and hurtful person, and then go home and cry and genuinely become confused as to why people dont like them? It seems very specific but I know multiple people who are like this.
I think the reason I became a sort of people pleaser was because of my ex. When she broke up with me she I was absolutely devastated. I didn’t know how to deal with myself and didn’t know what to do since it was my first big break up. Overtime I developed a fear of being abandoned. Of being used and tossed away like garbage. I overall felt as if I was a burden to people. And It grew as my ex would send me long paragraphs telling me to fix myself and that she wasn’t going to help me anymore. She said to get over her and that I shouldn’t be depressed and I wasn’t doing anything to fix it than just complain to her. I tried not to complain but I wanted her to know that she hurt me. She broke me.And when she told me to get over her I tried to. I got a new girl but my ex got jealous. She hated us together. So I broke up with her. I’m younger. And still figuring stuff out. But this is really opening my eyes, and your stuff is great. I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser. Thanks for reading this 🙏
I feel like I do this. My sister is BPD. Growing up, when she’d do something awful to me, she’d never own up. She’d just blame me for making her do it. When I make a mistake, I am the actual bad guy. Not the other person. I need them to know I screwed up, not them.
I love this and would love to hear more. This is an extremely helpful mindset, but how does the language of apology change? You still apologize, but do you give an explanation, which might be confused with an excuse? You go into it wanting understanding and accountability, but not like you're expecting forgiveness to be provided like a vending machine? What does that look/sound like?
This is a linear and narrow way to think. People pleasers are accommodating for a myriad of reasons. Many people grow up in abusive and hostile houses. People pleasing is a way of avoiding getting yelled at or hit. Another example, I worked as an intern and saw adults in their thirties and forties people pleasing because it was part of their job. If you remove the stressor, you remove the reaction.
As someone who struggled with depression for more than a decade... yes. To all of it, yes! Depression already makes you feel desconected with the world, and the last thing you want to do is "having to" do something. It's exhausting to even think sometimes. So please show up and keep in mind that people with depression often just need patience and love in order to heal. I can only thank Jesus for curing all those feeling inside me, but it was His love and His patience with me.
