Hi, My name is Sarah and I am a counsellor, trained and based in the UK, and I have specialist knowledge of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This channel aims to explain how people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder affect those around them. Understanding what they do and why they do it can help to make everything make sense. Understanding why Children of Narcissists feel the way they do helps in their recovery from their dysfunctional upbringing. Growing up with a narcissistic parent can result in their children having some or all of the following symptoms: Depression Irritability Numbing Loss of interest Difficulties with Concentrating Chronic pain Headaches Hopelessness Shame and Worthlessness Substance Abuse Eating Disorders Nightmares Flashbacks Hypervigilance Mistrust Feeling Unreal or Out of Body Generalised Anxiety Panic Attacks and Feelings of being Emotionally Overwhelmed
I know why, it’s because people ascribe pedestals to themselves, judging you, changing reality, making assumptions, false beliefs, polarized thought.” 🤢👍💯absolutely annoying.
This is a most comprehensive and well detailed compilation of the single most important aspects of narcissism and it’s deadly effects that I have found. Thank you for sharing your insights.
I find it curious when people who are likely Narcissists mistreat you and you react to it, then they come out in a fury and say something like "You must respect me!" Dealing with them on any occasion will make your head twist like a pretzel. They're ingenious at triggering a bad behavior in you and then setting you up to look bad. The people around them fall for it as well which may say something about the general lack of human intelligence or awareness, but that's a discussion for another day!
Hi Persia, You might like to watch this video by Meredith Miller called Dog Whistling about triggering reactive behaviours: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-0AavB2DYjlY.html Take care.
I'm glad you made mention in your closing remarks about "excuses." One of the things I learned when I began studying psychology that turned on the lights for me was that it's not productive to set up a dichotomy of "excuse/blame." In fact it's so limiting it shuts down decent discussion. It's not only possible, it's crucial to avoid either excuse or blame when exploring the reasons and results of disordered behavior. You will never get past them to reach "explanation" unless you stay neutral; and what you can't explain or account for, you can hardly hope to fix.
Sometimes, having listened to several of your discussions now, I am finding a big chunk of relevant material falling into place and showing the interlocking parts of the structure lining up. It's starting to make me short of breath, to be honest. I've "known" this stuff about our family dynamic for many years, but I've somehow refused to let it near me or touch it without a mental hazmat suit and gloves on. This latest falling chunk hitting me in the head was how the scapegoat child may not have the capacity to play into the game rules the parent is demanding, when the golden child can and does. My brother and I were born less than a year apart, and our respective relationships with my mother were from two different planets. He was the baby and the only boy (my older sister and I used to privately refer to him "Wales," even though we are American😊). I knew by the time I was seven that she was full of crap, her values were all over the place, and she was a horrocious liar and revisionist of our family story, who COULD NOT EVER be trusted, especially with feelings; and Wales played her with great success like a violin to get his way, eventually becoming the smoothest sociopath at sixteen you ever met. She had a different purpose for each of us; but also, I was never able to hide my inner assessment of her, and she spent all her time with me trying to crush my resistance. I retreated into books,fantasy, and eventually music, which no one else in the family had aptitude for. My own country, finally. I could not have capitulated to her self-aggrandizing game had I craved to. It wasn't my assigned function, I see now. But in truth it made me sick, SHE made me sick, and now I understand she could smell it even when I never spoke or looked her in the eye. And she made me pay. My brother? I think he pitied me for an idiot, when there was so much to be gained by just playing along. "Well, then -- more for me," I could hear him thinking.
Sarah, I love your channel!! 💕 I’m well along my healing journey, but it always feels good when people validate ACTUAL reality (vs. a narc’s delusions of what constitutes reality). This is such a powerful book-thank you for sharing it with us. 🙏 It’s a shame we can’t grow up knowing all of this, but hopefully, kids in this generation who are born into narc families will be able to discover MUCH sooner that they aren’t (and never were) the problem. As an INTJ, your approach to understanding & healing narcissistic abuse really resonates with me. Thanks again! 😊
A great deal of this sounds familiar. I did not come to realize until my thirties that much of the "parenting" behaviour my siblings and I were treated to was harmful, neglectful, abusive, or just "off" in some important way that skewed expectations about what love means, and how to love and be loved. I attended a seminar in graduate school on childhood abuse that is mostly delivered as invalidation, that felt like being smacked across the head with the knowledge that it was spot on. I think the deliberate, really concentrated message that dampened any chance of protest was a series of dismissive, ridiculing comments that carried the same purpose every time: "listen to you, you crybaby/ingrate/self-absorbed little wimp, you're just SO abused, aren't you? What a joke." As if it were some kind of contest in which we weren't even contenders, first of all, for the status of "abused" or "neglected," and for which we had no valid way of discerning what a genuinely unhappy, insufficiently nurtured situation was because we were spoiled rotten by parents who really had suffered abuse and neglect during their own childhoods (the Great Depression) and had risen from the ashes to become wonderful achievers and providers. To deny that was, and still is, practically a sacrilege.
My mother a few years ago said that I should ' just get over it' and I 'needed counselling'. Not her, nor the family. Just me. Because I spoke up. And noone else did.
Yes. The one who stirs the ashes everyone believes are extinguished is the one who will be blamed for trying to burn down the house. Want to know the real b**ch of the situation? They're genuinely horrified and perplexed about what you think you are doing at this stage of the game.
I have been receiving a call from an older woman. I suspect that she has been put up by someone to call me, For what? What have I done to anyone.. ? Just for fun to scare me. I feel terrified of these strange call by older women, pretending it is a wrong number, when it is her co-dependent boyfriend who asked her to call me. I am sick and tired of life, and all the stressors in it.♣️🔮🐸👺👿
I am all for saying that just because someone is old, they aren't necessarily sweet, harmless, or deserving of great deference just for getting to an advanced age. Sometimes people are seemingly just too mean to die. 😢
@@cc1k435 thank you for saying that. She was getting so bad to me that my will to go on was really being challenged. It’s a horrible way to spend every day. I was really feeling the physical effects too. I have a right to a life, no?
@great-garden-watch you absolutely have aright to live a peaceful life. I'm in a similar situation. I am going to go no contact with my 81 year old dad, I'm 49 now and feel a turning point in turning 50. I really can't imagine living another 15 ish years and feeling dread about seeing him, because he is healthy as a horse and shows no signs of popping off anytime soon. My hubby is dead against me going no contact as my dad's "too old now and vulnerable". I said I was once "young and vulnerable " but he didn't care😢. I'm proud of you. It is the hardest decision of your life I bet, that everyone judges as a "whim" "why now" etc. ❤
With my mother it was a look, a look of disapproval or a sarcastic tone in her voice. I never felt safe around her. I spent a lot of time alone reading in my room. Then she would say sarcastically “how nice that I could lie around reading all day.” I was a straight A student, took classical piano for 10 years and took swimming lessons and became a life guard to earn money for university. There was always something I didn’t do exactly to her satisfaction. When I left home instead of feeling the huge relief I expected, I completely came undone and almost killed myself. I never had children, and according to her it was because I was too “selfish”. She had me convinced my acne was my fault. At 42 I finally realized I couldn’t control it and the dr. prescribed Accutane. It was without a doubt the death of a thousand cuts and I couldn’t even describe it to people. She gave me nasty looks? She didn’t like me? Doesn’t sound all that terrible. 😞
From my perspective, your story echoes the experience I had with my father. The ceaseless feeling of inadequacy, regardless of my successes, created a profound sense of isolation. The constant fear of disappointing him, coupled with his subtle yet devastating criticisms, was emotionally draining. He claimed I 'changed' when I became a teenager, as if my natural teenage behaviors were a personal affront to him. He perceived my every action as an inconvenience, even though I excelled in school and rarely invited friends over. I noticed a stark contrast in his treatment of my younger brother. Although my brother was not as successful in school, his needs were somehow less bothersome to my father. Looking back, I now understand that this was likely a result of the 'golden child' syndrome often seen in narcissistic households. As a child and teenager, my brother and I frequently quarreled, but I didn't dislike him. I was frustrated with him for being 'needy', believing that his lack of self-sufficiency was a weakness. Now, I realize that he was more 'normal' than I was. Leaving home didn't bring the relief I expected. Instead, I to fell apart and nearly took my own life. The root of this despair was my inability to cope with the challenges of university. I had excelled in high school through sheer intelligence and enthusiasm, no parental guidance to foster discipline , this was not enough to succeed in higher education. My failure shattered the identity I had built as a brilliant person, yet I was trapped in the belief that my worth was defined by my achievements, and as I've struggled to complete my university degrees and find stable employment in my field; these challenges have led to long periods of unemployment and in turn a slow erosion of my will to live. At 36, I've begun the journey of therapy, hoping to break free from the chains that have held me back.
With me it was older siblings not parents. Physical, emotional and sexual abuse - they were/are toxic. I now view my family as two separate halves. The toxic trio and my brothers and sister. When I was young I found myself wanting my "real" family to come and take me away as these guys couldn't possibly be who I was stuck with. I am now coming to terms with it and as I have minimum contact with the toxic trio I can cope however I still find myself at times seeking their approval, being heartbroken when it is not forthcoming, then have a reality check and ask myself why I need that. I hope that everyone who finds this, finds the strength to heal. Kudos to you all my fellow survivors. ❤️🏴
This video has explained more to me than 10 years of therapy in terms of being the child of a narcissistic parent. I recognise and identify with so many of the behaviours you and this book so excellently describe. Thank you so much!
After pondering a lifetime about all sorts of abuse I discovered it is akin to a wave/web of negative influences that spans wide over time and space.. This realisation made me wiser and able to _"turn the table"_ so to speak.. Any experience can be a learning one provided you have the ability to reflect on those and grow from it.. Take care and be safe 🖐️
All that and more !! I did laugh at the list of things and could add a few more. Nonetheless i still do exist and am grateful for being able to make my own way in the world as a free person. Adversity brings resilience if you learn how to make use of things unwanted, including yourself. Upcycle..re-purpose.. Keep going...be what you always wanted, not to perpetuate bad things. Be your best you, not the next version of them.
My mother was a narcissist and my two sisters and I were all profoundly affected by this - in very different ways due to our different personality traits, but we were and still are very deeply impacted. I have done a lot of work to deal with this, but what breaks my heart is that I still feel utterly broken inside and I feel that a fully healed place is and will forever be beyond my reach. I wonder every day what I might have been like and able to achieve if my mother had been able to love me. My saving grace was that my father did.
Thank you. My mother treated me with the kind of "low-key" abuse you describe from time to time. I prefer to see her parenting of me as having been good enough. My father was outright abusive and he was sometimes violent to the rest of my family members. My mother told me that she left me in the care of my father once while she was running an errand. When she came back he was sleeping while she had to look for me. She found me under the bed where my father was sleeping with a red area on my face while I was apparently asleep. Lucky for me she was able to wake me up. Everyone outside of our home thought my mother was saintly. At times she could be very encouraging of me too. So it was confusing. At least I was not mistreated by them on my wedding day. However I needed to acknowledge that abuse while growing up and how it affected me. I think I finally figured it out as to why she was like that while not having anyone to talk to about that because all the other still living members of my family are in denial about it. She struggled with a disease for almost all of her life while being in denial about it.
Thank you for answering the question right away!!! As someone who’s been through it it’s hard for me to wait patiently for answers and watch a whole video because the abuser would never answer me and ignore me for hours or dismiss my questions and attempts to connect with them. So waiting out a whole video for an answer reminds me of being strung along and then kicked to the curb
I remember when some elderly aunts came to visit when I was about 8 years old. They introduced me to a strange and wonderful thing-human touch and hugs. I’d snuggle up to them on the couch or lean against them. I hated to see them go but I never forgot what it felt like to be loved.
After years of neglect and abuse from my mother, especially, I tried to heal by going to therapy. I discovered that not only was my childhood bad, but it was a whole lot worse than I could have ever imagined. There were things I uncovered in therapy that cut to my core. I tried to talk about it with my friends and soon discovered that I wasn't believed, that I was putting on a pity-party, that I was being a negative person. This traumatised me all over again. Now, I don't have any safe family left, no friends, but I am content, because I know much more about what happened in my past. My intuition - even as a child - was right. There were some serious wrongs being done that me and my siblings were supposed to view as 'normal.' There was nothing 'normal' about any of it. I'm relieved that I am staying true to myself these days.
Your comment is the truth. People just do not want to hear anything about the reality of it. I keep to myself, rarely socialize. It takes too much effort faking being unaffected to apease others. The only good of it, is I clearly see now, that yes people did know what we were going thru as children as CHOSE to do nothing. I had suspected this as a child, but I KNOW it now as an adult.
@christinec8818 I am sorry you had to go through it yourself, too. You are right. It baffled me that not one adult stepped in to stand up for us children or to protect us. I know there were people who knew we were being abused and neglected. It's all just a sad history, but now I'm creating a happier future.
Introverts are often very truamatized which is why they are too nice, silent, p pleasers. Very wounded. Extraverts are also pnpleasers. They need/want external company and validation from many. Both types are wounded. I as a introvert naturally...pretended to be an extravert to get approval. Feared vunerabilty, looking boring, being left out. Now..l could give a damm l embrace me daily. Which l had known how freeing it is to be authentic, real.
I collasped after l all the abuse l allowed from people. Enormous p. Pleaser, codependent, no inner or outer bounderious. I was used allot. I am still fragile but healing in solitude which saved my sanity and healed me also. I even practise with my newly found voice.....what l will never tolerate again. Ever. Watch out l have found my roar.
