When I discovered my ex-husband cheating, my brother said I should consider it an act of war and proceed accordingly. I fought that a long time, I rationalized it, empathized, tried to "save" the marriage, until I was nearly completely crushed. So, take it from someone who needlessly suffered and barely survived it -- cheating is like Pearl Harbor or 9/11. You didn't expect the attack, but you damn well better get off your sad a$$, face it for what it is, and fight. The sooner you do that, the better you'll fare. Defending yourself, defeating the enemy, raizing the rubble, and rebuilding on new ground are your only chance of having any kind of life again.
I wish I would have heard your brother's advice upfront. I stayed a year longer in a complete hell with a man who became more abusive after betrayal. My brother, who I didn't grow up with, was able to convince to leave a year later in 1 conversation.
Some women are cheated on precisely because they are so perfect. If they are so unfortunate as to date a narcissist , he will want to let her know that he can get any other beautiful woman he wants. Then cheating serves kind of a power demonstration. More often than not, cheating is an ego think and not a love issue.
I think we know, most of the time, but choose to ignore the red flags….for whatever reason. But there are really good manipulators or narcissists that just mess your mind up. If you don’t trust them…..I’d tell married or people in relationships to go on Tinder or dating apps to see if their partner is on there. I’d say 99% of guys on there are married or have a partner …..but they all lie. Pretty sad state of affairs.
Men cheating is most of the time about variety, risk, a different kind of sex, their sexual confidence. They cheat because they decide to do, some men don't.
They simply want to stroke their ego, power, they want what they want & will do anything to achieve it.....even risking their life. That's why you will see the emperor ending up destroying his entire empire for it.
He is very insightful. He doesn’t excuse behaviours but shine light to what is really wrong. He spend a lot of time meditating on the righteous way for humanity Very profound
THANK YOU. This is validating. when you catch the one you love cheating on you and you suffer the betrayal and the crushing of self esteem only for them to deny, play it off, dismiss the severity of their betrayal etc and defiling the sacred bond I held to be just that. Sacred. I have stood in my standards even in past relationships when the temptation to cheat on someone who wasn’t good to me at all. I am proud of my moral compass and feel strong in my steadfast loyalty. I know it’s rare.
I got to say that I was afraid of everything that you say. Only to find out, that finally, how I am now - is happy. No regrets of leaving the cheating partner. And the bond I thought we had, was only my own. I don't feel that I lack something, and in return I got peace.
I found myself crying like a baby 😊 because Matt touched on so many things I've struggled with for 8 years. I just tell people I'm soul tired. They don't get it anyway. I love this show. Thank you for creating this set and guest.
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship. What works for Adam might not work for peter. I However learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago my wife and I were on the brink of a divorce because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it.
there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is Suzanne Ann Walters
I’m rhe type of person who keeps being torn with holding on to hope for the other person or leaving because there never going to reciprocate the love they are receiving from me. I’m torn between if I’m being too needy or am I disrespecting my own boundaries by trying to be so understanding towards my partner. And I’m scared cause once I’m completely done with you in my head and heart. There is no return and that’s a hard grief to accept
I also played that exact scenario in my head for 25 yrs. Sadly to find my husband cheated and now at 65 I'm alone. Move on while you still can as it's so much harder when you're older. Trust yourself and what they make you feel.
For me, I sense that he may be cheating. I've questioned it but he stonewalls - doesn't confirm or deny. I'm leaving gradually because there's a friendship component I don't want to lose. I also don't want to return to promiscuity, which can happen because I have high sexual energy. I'm immersing in self development and my spirituality and not see our relationship as the most important part of my life.
LEAVE HIM !! STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM PLEASE !!! Stay clean, stay away from STDs. Go for a spiritual journey, do yoga, do meditation, find someone calm indoor type person who also love meditation & a good soul. Find someone who is calm, articulated, knowledgeable who never waste time on worthless things & people.
So agree and appreciate the candor. Matt's #5 reason I stsy is spot on. When it's good it feels great - a great that I've never experienced and that I feel I need right now because other aspects of my life aren't great. Detoxing is critical and thankfully I'm on that path.
Because you werent able to make an informed decision and truly consent since your partner with held the information so you were actually s3xually assaulted...on some level people know they were.. but they cant explain it because they werent r@ped...but s3x was taken from you without you being able to truly consent since you wouldnt have consented to s3x had you known about the cheating....
@@KarenPalmer-py7qn I am so sorry you also had to experience that feeling... it is absolutely gross they can't communicate and just say hey I want to go have sex with xyz ...I would be like: Thank you have a wonderful life... because then I would be safe and would of never got HPV and then cervical cancer with stage 3 diagnosis...
2 years on from him being exposed on social media as an adulterer, finally beginning to heal. Ive been through every part of what Matthew describes. Almost mirrored my own experience of everything infidelity trauma caused. Sadly, ive realised that after 35 years together, he cant offer me the level of safety needed to continue in our marriage. Its been a journey i wouldn't wish on anyone else.
Matthew touched on something huge for me in this. He acknowledged the amount of work the victimized person must do to repair themselves from the deceit of a partner. So true! It’s extremely unfair and in worst scenarios the person who is using you, just moves on to another victim. Again in the worst case scenarios. On a lower scale, if someone has been cheated on, the person cheated on was not only cheated on, but now has this long road of healing and regaining trust. If the partner responsible for breaking the trust, doesn’t acknowledge this and appreciate the opportunity to work on things, it speaks volumes to their intent. Thank you Matthew!
I had always been described by my family and friends as happy. The "happy" wasn't attached to someone, money or any life achievements. All l always wanted was to share my happiness (the way l lived) with someone. I married a foreigner that l brought to this country because I had an abundance of happiness and joy to share. He wasn't a random pick and I didn't marry him without a 2 year relationship in which l have observed him well enough to finally say "l do". After 5 years in this country and 7 years relationship he told me "he wasn't happy" and he wanted out. Soon aftee he went on the shopping spree to buy his house and expensive car and now he bearly makes the end meet. We are divorced but after a heartbreak I am thankful to be back to being a happy enough and l know that he is not, even with his new possessions.
I love the way that you handled this, Matt. So many decent guys aren’t aware of just how good other guys can be at lying. And the fact that the responsibility was put on the cheater, and the immediate response wasn’t about how any guy can cheat if the relationship isn’t good enough, etc. Thank you for this.
Thank you, Lisa, for the support and love you give the world. A message to Matt .... you made me cry to a wound, I thought only I had in silence (by myself). However, with those tears, I cried today, has helped me so heal that deep wound. Matt, thank you for your kindness you give the world. May God bless you all.
WOW! What an incredibly profound, deeply touching conversation. I teared up, when Matthew became very, very woulnerable talking of his difficult life in awful pain and deep depression. I know deep levels of this myself from a long life with Polio paralasys, several dead, newborn children, divorces and much more, but I have a good life never the less, and I seem to be a magnet for people in very difficult life circumstances. Thankyou both of you for your honesty, compassion and woulnerability. You are both wonderfull hosts for your own shows and almost magical together ❤❤
Fear of success: I believe it depends on how somebody’s is broad up!! If you have been told be humble, than too much success even more success than your parents, narcissist or not, can lead to the fear of success! It(the argument or statement) gets even stronger when your mentor’s don’t believe in them selfs…✌🏻
This is the best episode Ive watched .. I’ve figured this out before I watched this “ be happy enough” .. then you create your own magic and can take risks “50% of what you missed is you “” brilliant ! We do bring the magic .. ❤😂
I felt this episode deep inside my heart and soul… From the bottom of my bruised, battered and broken heart: THANK YOU SO MUCH, to both Lisa and Matthew for bringing this conversation to us!! Serendipitously timed for my healing journey ❤
Wow Happy enough is A Super-Power. A foundational life balance of your personal management. A real equilibrium in trust of self and sustainability. You can do alone or with others. But happy enough to know that you cannot be shaken from the Self-esteem and confidence in navigating life enough to know in faith that you will be alright That’s Power 💯
I'm a woman, one of many from what I can tell online, who only has a therapist to talk to about that stuff 1x every other week. Abuse isolates & many were forcibly silenced. I have empathy for the men & I also think it's a humanity issue. I'm so glad these two are talking about it & teaching solutions. Having the conversations is how the revolution begins❤️
I have plenty of my own flaws and make plenty of my own mistakes that I can’t fathom holding myself responsible for the mistakes my partner (or anyone else) has made as a result of acting on a thought or feeling that they know will hurt me. Willfully causing harm is cruelty. It’s okay and to have the thought. What you choose to do with the thought is what determines whether or not you are guilty of being cruel. Cruelty is a deal breaker for me.
It hurts to have the connection broken. But the connection was never trust-based. It was lust-based, passion-based, love-bomb-based.... If it was trust-based, there would never be any passion from the start . . .
I trusted my husband of 24 years 100%, I didn’t know he was cheating until he left and said he wanted a divorce. I was blindsided. It’s been 3 years, since he up and left. I recognize things now, however I trusted him and our commitment to one another
@@lisarey3 I was wondering if they cheated when younger + learned from it so did it less at a later age, but i looked it up and men age 60-69 are most likely to cheat :D
I’ve been involved with married man for 3 yrs, real didn’t think they were together, he’d never mention her, and other… and I see now he’s a narcissist and am the one hurt. Who knows how many others he has or had? He’s so focused on money also, am guessing he’s afraid to lose everything if she ever found out. It’s only recent I see they’re together and he built a cottage like 6 mins from where I live , so I drive by there and see her sitting on front step and have felt so much like showing up and telling her, and not out of revenge, or to hurt her, but it’s like a bulb when on finding the truth, and if I were her, I’d want to know,
Thank you, Matt! I just can’t thank you enough. ❤ You’ve put an end to the gaslighting and the derisive dismissal of that sense of being in a rush that so many women feel! And how validating it was to hear your profound empathy for women who have not been able to find someone! Mind blown!
1:25:00 - I have been in that place for more than a decade. Thank you for saying this issue so beautifully. Not even my closest friends can understand the pain I am feeling.
That was so damn good, thank you so much, now i know, why matthew is that good in reaching out to people. Thank you so much showing the vulnerability of being in a dark place like a lot of other people struggle in live. I wish i could say i am happy enough too. I have no health, i will loosing my whole existence because of loosing my work because of my health. I am so sick, that i cannot even do enough of trauma work, and as you can imagine with trauma comes traumabonds. So NO part in my live, where i can be happy. But being that open shows me there is hope. Thank you so much Lisa for your women perspective to the point of being happy, because as matthew talked about first - as he named the chapter - i thought the same as you, it can be very dangerous! I loved that Episode so much, thank you both :)
Wauw Matthew how I relate to your illness story!! ❤😢 every word you said. How I feel. I still haven’t found a solution and poured so much money into it and I can’t find the solution. Never related to you more. The pain in your eyes. I get it. So much. Thank you for sharing.
You can just see the hurt and the damage cheating does. That level of betrayal and grief. I always wonder what happened? Why did they cheat? Either it's their issue or it's a relationship issue. Any repair take time. Never say just get over it. That's very immature and shows a relationship not worth pursuing. I hate to say this and try to positive spin this hurt. In life, someone who's not meant will cheat. Are they worth repairing it. Are they the one making the efforts now. Rejection sometimes is redirection to something better. That doesn't make it ok. But they need to be the one making the efforts to repair. Wherever it takes for however long. If you're not getting that, this is not the partner for you :(
About what Matthew said - 30:00 or so abouts - there is a huge difference when your mouth gets away from you during a heated argument, and when you step out and into someone else's bed [let's say it that way]. One is a spur of the moment kind of thing - where the physical reaction [you saying something] takes a heck of a lot less time and less chance to reel it back in, than finding someone willing and then dropping your pants to do the deed. That's not a lack of impulse control - it's a serious case of I don't give AF of the consequences at this particular moment, and your partner be damned.
Ask yourself “is it the cheating, or do you just want to be a pleasure gatekeeper???” Most are not honest with themselves. Most are miserable because their partner actually loves themselves and the other partner doesn’t. That pushes even the best people into the arms of others. Nothing is more heartbreaking then being with someone, believing them, championing and changing yourself , only for them to still be the same. Sometimes you have to do all the work to see that they don’t plan on doing it too. ( none of this is about religion or rules) this experience is shared for raw perspective and experience that is real.
No one pushes someone into the arms of another. They should breakup, not cheat. People that supposedly love themselves definitely don’t after cheating.
Cheating has nothing to do with the loyal partner. Cheating is a unilateral choice, that is made by just one person, without anyone knowing. The Cheater. Cheating is about power and control. Its a selfish, narcissistic person who wants cake. They want to have the wife at home, with all of its perks, AND they want the secret life that gives them extra attention. Ultimately, it is really childish.
I think either partner can cheat if their needs aren't met...either because they won't voice them or they've tried and met with rejection. I see a lot of men who won't leave the relationship because then you're a bad partner. I never see women compliment their men or tell them they look sexy. I said that to a guy once and he thanked me. Never heard that. You have to voice your needs. So many times we don't. People change too. Do you grow together or apart? It's always complicated.
The cheating reflects the unmet needs of the cheater. Anyone can be cheated on. If that partner feels unseen, no sex, no connection, no appreciation. They will cheat. Everyone needs to feel loved. That doesn't excuse it. But if a couple has regular connection everyday. They know they matter and can bring up issues safely, why would they cheat. It's not about a more beautiful person, it's feeling loved. Loyalty is not just not cheating. Betrayal is not showing up for your partner until they cheat. That was my experience. But if the partner doesn't come to you and say hey, I feel like we're losing our connection...how can we get it back? They need to voice it. Not just assume you won't hear it and then cheat
Nope! Cheaters just have no standards. My ex did not appreciate me or support me at all throughout the 15 year marriage. I never cheated b/c I just don’t cheat. I value myself too much just f*ck around.
As to the whole “hurt people hurt people” comment about male violence and abusers, I’m curious as to why you would say that when women are obviously more oppressed, yet hardly commit violence?
That pain in the neck and chest when u r with ur partner. It disappeared when u mended past wounds? It had nothing to do with the person u were with? I also get a headache. Not even in a fight. Just being in an emotional conversation.
At 31:05 I disagree with what he says there. Some mistakes are life sentences. You can make mistakes that send you to prison for life. You can make mistakes that affect another person's life so profoundly that it becomes a life sentence without you going to prison. I think self-forgiveness is taken too lightly as a way of negating feelings of guilt and shame and lack of responsibility. But the person whose life, body or mental health has been destroyed does not have the luxury of self-forgiveness. So until we all become Jesus, I profoundly disagree. And this applies especially for words. There are words that, once spoken, can never be taken back and can deeply traumatise another human being. In my opinion, people should learn to weigh the effect of their words in all circumstances, especially when they are angry or upset. If you cannot control the effect of your words as the user/sender of those words, then choose to remain silent or walk away. Especially towards children!
I would never listen to my friends advice find not attractive dude cuz they’re more loyal. To be honest never they’re trying hard cuz too insecure. For me what is done is done never any more
