I had a man actually tell me that I was second choice, we had just started dating, I got up from the restaurant table and told him that I wasn’t going to settle for second best, and wished him luck and walked away.
Very Important Question: Did you ask him upfront if you were his second choice? If the answer is Yes..... This is important since life is quite the game of random chances and practically nothing gracefully goes to plan like in a movie. Seems to me that was an honest man you walked away from...and you punished him for being honest with you rather than lie to you to protect your feelings? (which multitudes of men do right off the bat, because they are weak). Running into an honest man is about as rare as an occurrence as possibly could be given our modern digital reality and it's many, MANY, temptations and opportunities to break our own principles for that quick dopamine hit. You taught that man that lying is better...and he'll probably take that to heart and lie to the next female from now on. A Bad Move imo...but a Good Lesson for you as well. But don't go chasing after him now.....you showed your cards. That you are apparently hypersensitive to honest feedback and possibly criticism as well and should probably look into that. But hey that's just my Honest opinion, take it for what you will. Only you know what really happened between you and that individual.
Good for you. He told you the truth. But being a good person and telling the truth is part of the bare minimum. No one deserves a prize, reward, or praise for bare minimum. Those are reserved only for actions and behavior that are FAR above bare minimum. If you’d stayed you’d be showing him how little you expect and how little you would settle for. If you’d stayed as second choice you’d be a placeholder until someone came along that could be seen as first choice. If he’s still wrapped up in someone else, that’s not for you to sort out for him. You’re not a free therapist BRAVO FOR YOU!
@@-A-c I have to agree with your take, but only in your context. I think there can be a lot of assumptions with so little to go on from the original comment. I would find it a bit -off color- for a man to just offer such information up randomly, and it would change my perspective of him if we were consistently "dating" which is the language the OP used. However it is expected that when you are just getting to know someone they will be openly dating, just as a woman should be. If she asked, then she got her answer. Also... "female", I hope you view -women- as more than just the opposite sex with eggs and reproductive agents. Other than that, good take.
1. He's not very enthusiastic 2. You won't be a priority 3. If you had to fight hard for commitment 4. Dissatisfaction with you 5. He's ready to walk away any time 6. If he is happier with other people. Especially other women 7. Intimacy is mechanical 8. Cheating on you 9. If you provide for him 10. If you are far away from his women 11. If you have to be a completely different person to satisfy him
I haven't experienced these things myself (that I'm aware of, anyway--I rarely date) but I see large quantities of people around me (relatives, friends, coworkers) "settling" that it makes me scared that a man might "settle" for me. The one I have seen the most across the board regardless of gender, is #2. Those that "settle" give priority to their job/career. They'll work overtime, get extra projects, go to work early, sign up for trips/meetings because they do not want to be at home...with their spouse, kids, gf/bf whatever. After work, they might even add stuff on top of that....go to the gym, get in classes, organizations, hang with friends/coworkers etc. By the time the spouse gets him/her, it's late, they're tired and they just want to sleep.
First of all, never date a man who's down on his luck. He will always wonder why you put up with his lack, when you could be with a guy who can contribute. That's #1. Once he gets on his feet, he'll be cheating in no time!
My mom knew that she was my dad's second choice. She told me (sounding resigned) when I was a teen (I'm currently in my late 30's) but even as a child I could see that he didn't care much for her. He went out and got a CDL license and became a long haul trucker just so that he could be gone for MONTHS at a time and not have to see her. He spent his money on himself and his mistress. When he finally did come home, he was out running the streets. He openly cheated on her; he would come home in the cars SHE paid for and there would be used condoms, d7ug paraphernalia, and sweaty, damp lingerie in the back seat. As children, my little brother and I would be standing beside the car watching our mother with a trash bag and yellow rubber cleaning gloves stoically picking up and throwing away all the little "presents" he and his "side-piece" had left for us to find. Immediately afterwards we would have to climb in the backseat, still smelling of heavy odors and still damp from the Lysol she'd just sprayed on the seats in a hurried attempt to clean them. She once told me that on the day of their wedding after they got married, he dropped her off at the house he was staying in. (the home that they would now share since they were now married) After dropping her off, he then left to go hang out with his friends and didn't come back home till the next morning. I asked her why she didn't call her mom (my granny) or a friend to come pick her up? I asked why she would CHOOSE to spend her honey moon alone and let someone treat her like that? She had no response. Even as a child I could see that this man was uninterested in her, yet rather than actually _respect_ herself and LEAVE, she instead chose to stay and try to capture his attention to win over his affection...which included financially supporting him and giving him money. She took all that hurt and anger from his mistreatment of her and focused it on _me._ Angry, hurt people need an outlet for their frustration. And what better target than your vulnerable, young children? The ONLY people in her life at this point that she had ANY sort of control over? More specifically, her fury was ALWAYS directed at _me._ I really don't think it's a coincidence that she pretty much left my brother alone and chose to instead focus her fury ENTIRELY on me... her _daughter,_ but that's a WHOLE OTHER conversation... If you are the "second choice", and you _know_ that you are the second choice, WHY would you stick around? If you have the ability to leave immediately, DO IT. You _know_ "if" his first choice ever comes back into his life and gives him the option he will be gone in a HEARTBEAT. WHY put yourself through that emotional turmoil? *STOP* wasting your time with people who don't value you!
Your mothers story mirrored mine with my first husband. Almost exactly. He did the same thing to me after the wedding. Dropped me off and went to hang with his friends. I dont understand why I didnt immediately annul it. I dont know why.
@@MK-yl9uf I'm SO sorry that happened to you. I'm glad you are no longer with him, and hopefully you are in a better, happier place with someone who loves and values you. ♥️ My mother never learned that lesson and as far as I know is still married to him. (I went no contact about 5 years ago so I have no idea what's going on in their lives.)
@Rose Bride, I’m sorry that you and your mother had to suffer with the antics of your father and that you caught the brunt of your mom’s fury. In our society women are basically raised to be tolerant when it comes to men, especially black women. Many black women are told to endure horrible behavior from men just for the sake of having one. It was only as an adult I started running into women of other races, when women revealed that their exes/bf/husband had paid their way through law school, or just financed their lives completely that a 💡went off in my mind. All this time I thought women only got that kind of treatment if they married a man. I’m here to say as a single woman as a woman you don’t need to struggle/put up with bad behavior especially from a man who’s not benefiting you. Also being single has allowed me to benefit financially, etc., from multiple men- while not having to sleep with them. I’ve learned that the overwhelming majority of men do what’s in their best interest and women need to start doing the same. My point is it really doesn’t matter if you’re a man’s second choice, trust that the same man is someone else’s 2nd/3rd choice. 😂 Get what you want and/or need from men because they’re going to try and in some cases they demand that they get what they want from you, which is sex. Also, men are on their best behavior when they haven’t slept with you and they value what they give and spend their money on. Don’t believe me, think back to the men who’ve wronged you in relationships, and I bet it was after they slept with you that they started acting up. The awesome part of this equation is that women hold the power especially if you haven’t slept with the man yet.
I'm a woman who once settled for a guy who wasn't really my type and I did all these things, unintentionally. Don't settle for a guy and don't let a guy settle for you ladies!
I did too and the crazy thing was that I lied to myself so much I started to believe my own lie that I actually was attracted to this man and saw a future. Meanwhile, my gut was like, "haha no." My actions/body language spoke the truth too. I'll never do that again. We like to think that the other person isn't aware of our feelings, but they are. They may not verbalize it or they might not even be able to pinpoint what it is but they have a gut feeling something is wrong and ur distant even if ur there or saying all the right things. They may start acting up too and not even know why. Lesson is you are doing yourself and the other person a disservice when you "settle." It's awful. And if you bring a child into this world in that type of relationship...🤡
Women do this all the time , talking about how a fat guy or ugly man won't do you wrong thus they are more likely to be loyal .Worst piece of advice I ever got .
I just have to say that the lack of enthusiasm is the EASIEST way to tell if a guy really wants you or not. If he's going days without texting/calling, not planning dates/outings, stuff like that, he's not really interested. It's a tough pill I had to swallow, but when you see this sign, you know that you're not the first choice.
One way to make the pill easier to swallow is to become ruthless, expect nothing from them and believe dating is a numbers' game and do as much as you can with the view of improving each time.
I’d also add if he is stingy with you while he has a lot of money. If his heart & wallet are not open he doesn’t like u that much. Lukewarm men don’t deserve sex.
What she is saying is perfectly TRUE!! I am a man, and this is EXACTLY the reason why I choose to stay single until I find the girl that I really want to be with. I don't want to settle for someone else and end up hurting her in the long run.
I don't date anymore after going through this type of stuff multiple times. I was just a body. I feel better when I don't interact with men at all. They're cruel.
Yup. Most men just see women as objects. Walking fleshlights. They don’t care about our feelings. Millions of women are having the same experience. I will never deal with another man again. Every single one treated me less than dirt. Just evil. I’m happy more women are decided to not deal with them.
This is also why I don’t accept weekend dates that are asked on the weekend. If he doesn’t ask in advance u are not the first choice. Keep on rejecting these losers, treat them as they are your last choice 😂
Ladies men settle way more than women ‼️ Especially if he’s older he will is looking for a Nurse ! If he’s younger and you give him money he don’t like you
Also a lack of intimacy, affection, public display of affection, mutual plan & goals, coming home late, sleeping out, him overly emotional, easily irritated by you, no future ideas with you in mind.
Sometimes it isn’t that you are not his first choice but that he is not relationship material. There were guys I tried to win over that had serious issues. It really wasn’t about me or any other woman. If they did go with one woman years later it got bad and you are thankful it wasn’t you.
It is always that you aren't his first choice. That's why there are issues in the 1st place. If you were, there would be no issues because he'd be too scared of losing you, and if issues do arise, he will be proactive about eliminating them. It's alright to admit that it was one sided. That's how you move on.
No I actually agree. My ex has fro years used women in prostitution. I generally believe he will always get bored in a relationship because of that. Soon the new becomes old.
I think most women, even their “dream girls” often end up being most of these signs you described too. Because once you are no longer invested in the chase, there’s no more excitement. Doesn’t really matter if your his “for now” option or later option. They end up remarrying the “dream girl” only to be out here looking for another one. These types of men are INSATIABLE, doesn’t matter what tier you fall in.
Not true… steve harvey is a perfect example of that. He settled with his first 2 wives and now has the “dream girl” and isn’t going to leave her…. She might leave him but he’s not going anywhere He is not handsome but he’s a multi millionaire who could easily cheat or marry someone younger but he absolutely adores his wife. When men are boys they dream about their ideal wife and never forget that dream. They only pursue her when they feel adequate enough. This video is pure facts
@@APTTMHYforever but he’s cheated on Marjorie a couple of times publicly? So what is your point? As stated previously, this is not about the women involved BUT the character of the man. It has absolutely nothing to do with either woman, at all. This is seen all throughout Hollywood yet you used Steve Harvey.
I can agree. I experienced all of this signs in my last relationship. We were engaged for years, so I knew he was stringing me along until he found the woman of his dreams. I noticed his family acting distant towards me as well, so I am sure they knew about other women in his life that he was seeing. It was heartbreaking for sure, but I left.
@@GuidetteExpert The thing is that he didn't communicate. I also found out he started seeing other women from the start of our relationship, he clealy had intercourse with more than 2 . He became aggressive and controlling as well.
@@GuidetteExpert Also, he didn't want me to do better for myself. He didn't support my goals. I made more money than him and he didn't like that, so clearly I was not the woman of his dreams.
I have been there and my best advice to anybody nursing a broken heart is: as hard as it may be to get there, learn to enjoy being alone. That is your best defense against getting stuck in a bad relationship. I had to learn to be alone because after I aged out of the foster system, I couldn't stand sharing my space because I was traumatized by that. I was so lonely in my 20's but by my 30's, I had found amazingly fulfilling hobbies and started my own business. Now in my late 40's, I have a much younger man chasing after me whom I'm very attracted to but he seems to be only after sex, so I'm very "eh, maybe next time" whenever he calls me. It's very empowering to be able to do without a man and let me tell you, it makes them chase you and you become the valuable one but even if not, your mindset should just be "oh well!"
I have dated a boy toy before. They only want one thing from you. That and a come up. The man sees that you have resources and connections and he will try to finesse you to gain access to them. After he is established, he will ditch the older woman for his dream girl too. It doesn’t matter if you look great for your age. These guys idealize youth and they prefer a woman younger than they are. The only reason a boy toy would date an older woman is because he is curious what she is like in the bedroom and he wants her resources and connections. I know because I dealt with a guy like that. I kept hearing the word, "USER!" in my spirit, concerning that man. I'm going to bet that he has nothing to offer you either, but the peen. #RUNAWAY
@@tjaspire Yep I totally agree! My point was that I can do without him, or any man that I know is not a good one, and it's empowering to be able to turn them away because I'm fine in my own company. I have no fear in blocking someone out of my life because I have no fear in being single. I wish I had known that when I was younger and I wish that kind of empowerment for any woman.
@@Duncanexgirlfriend That was one big public humiliation. I didn’t know why it was so long in coming. Then she embarrassed herself by going to a party where everyone was much younger and nobody paid attention to her, except to act like they wondered why she was there. Now she acts like she, Bruce Willis, his new young wife, and all their kids are one big happy family.
true its empowering to know you dont need them or even want them. i know for some women they feel or it maybe true that if they dont settle then theyll never find a guy.....i think its a numbers game and expanding your options too. i knew once i didnt settle then itd more than likely be single but meh whatevs i dont care too much for american men which are below subar to me anyway.
Men that don’t like YOU! You for being your authentic self. If you two have only been dating a short time and he is asking you to change the even the smallest things about yourself, he don’t like you: the way you laugh, how you dress, your hair, how you talk, etc… If you’ve been together for awhile and even married, and he starts asking you to change certain things about yourself all of a sudden, multiple things, then he don’t like you (anymore) and trying to turn you into the woman he really wants.
Or try to turn you the opposite. He told me he like big women and would get upset when I worked out. He went back to his ex whose skinnier than me lol. Men are funny.
This is more common than most woman realize.💯 I’ve always said if he’s not crazy about you than that’s a clear sign that he’s knows in his heart he’s not that into to you. You’ll know for a fact if he’s that into to you. The sign you’ll know is the fact you won’t question it💯 ladies be with someone who will choose you over and over and over again over any woman
Exactly what happened to me. I was taking care of him from the start of our relationship. He used my car when i was at work. He could barly hold onto a job etc . Then he switched up , got a little bit of money , started being passive agressive and angry all the time. Never wanted to go out or anything ( unless it was his friends or family) Saying horrible things to me that i dont even want to repeat. Found out he was Cheating. And Here i am looking like a clown this whole time. Thinking were going to be together…. Long story short i ended up packing my things and just left. We do have a child together. Ill just let you guess how thats going. Def a Lesson learned.
Men talk about women are still searching for something better while in relationships, but men definitely leave quicker when meet the women they want...I liked these very on point ❤
They are the biggest complainers, and always throwing the guilt trip at women claiming we're never satisfied with them. Meanwhile they're are completely the opposite of what they say they don't want us to be. Idiots!!
You perfectly described my marriage and courtship experience before the marriage. I ignored every single of these 11 signs and now 14 years and 2 kids later, I’m contemplating an exit from this marriage. Ladies, please don’t make the mistakes of ignoring red flags 🚩 from the beginning bc they are always there. Discernment is the greatest tool you need, superficial stuff is secondary. It’s better to walk away as soon as you can, before kids and legal ties. God bless you all and stay safe 🙏🏾
What if they’re toxic and manipulate you to stay/won’t let you physically leave. I have no money bc I have health problems so I haven’t been able to work and he’s getting mad he’s “paying my way”
Who cares if a guy is not that into you. Just leave and find yourself another. Why don’t they make a video “when a girl is not that into you”? I know why, because men are given the upper hand. If a guy chooses me, I don’t give a F*** and walk off. And if a guy is not interested, I find myself another one! This planet shouldn’t revolve on what men want. They really are not all that!!
Yes I understand that very well. I have been married for 33 years and all the signs were there that I was second. As soon as my husband was able to reunite with his high school sweetheart that's when our marriage actually ended. So much time wasted but many lessons learned
Well the signs were when we first meet he had unfinished business. They had a child together in high school and neither one dealt with this. They were supposed to marry but he moved away and met me We married and had 3 children but I could always feel there was something that was not finished with these two. Woman's intuition. I am at peace now. Life is good. Going back to school to get my Masters degree to become the Therapist I have always wanted to be. Don't worry what is meant for you is yours. Trust in The Lord!
Exactly!! I’ll never forget when one of my ex’s was talking about his new build house and kept saying “his” house never once asking my opinion nevermind even saying “we” he didn’t even ask me for any suggestions🤦🏽♀️ Needless to say, I dumped him
Hahaha Hahaha Hahaha Mine really did go be with a model, Iam still just as amazing in all ways and so are you. Being a model means you had the ability to take some pictures. Beauty is not an accomplishment or a virtue.
Thank god now he is only your ex, he didn't deserve you .... My father used to tell my mum he could be with a lady doctor instead of her... Imagine, he was talking to her like this front of us, the children when we were small! And he now can't understand why my brother at 48 can't find a normal woman to live with. Simply because a normal woman is not good enough for him. He isn't anything special. If you would hear his stupid misogynistic talks. I wonder where from he got his attitude🤔🤔🤔 My dad used to demean me too, calling me animal names and criticising everything I did. Needless to say I also had problems in my love life, I had to realise some truths to make my life better. Now I have got a lovely dependable husband. It's very important to chose a partner who loves and appreciates you, not only for your sake but also for the sake of your future children.❤❤❤
@@marthas.4456 Thank you for your kind words ☺️ I really appreciate it. I am glad you found a loving husband.You are totally right, we need to wait until we find someone that values us for who we are. I am single and will continue that way until someone who really loves me and appreciates me comes into my life.
If a man is “settling” he obviously can’t get the woman he really wants which means actually you’re on the same level or you’re the best he could get. Which makes the woman better right?
@@meadowc6058 B No, not unless you are a woman who compares herself to others. If a woman has self-confidence, she won't do that. She sees her own self-worth. That is a sign she is high-value. Also, only a low-class, man would say that to a woman. He wouldn't be worth your time.
I always say and have been advised -if you're going to date a man one at a time (never again for me!) give an unspoken deadline just to date (no sex, sleepovers, sexting or nudes 🙄) without exclusivity (2 months) don't tell him, just keep going with the flow and just add someone new to your rotation if he doesn't want to step up. I dated a guy once for just over 3 months and discussing exclusivity was like pulling teeth. Never again! I now know my place and will never ask or bring up a relationship I just carry on valuing on my time and give him space to find his dream woman and don't allow any of the men in my rotation room to ask for sleepovers, sex or any relationship benefits if that's where they want to stay and keep paying for all of our dates 👀 great vid as usual❤️
80sPrincess, exactly. I was recently dating a 52 yo man for almost 2 months. We only averaged seeing each other once a week, with passionate kissing at the end of the night. I knew better than to let it get any further than that. He was even getting flirtatious and suggestive via text msgs but never once mentioned exclusivity and/or deleting our dating apps. He was paying for dates, but we never really scratched the surface and the dating never progressed beyond that. Our conversations were all surface level pleasantries “good morning hope you have a great day” and “good night, hope you have a good nights rest” every single day - like a broken record. It was starting to feel repetitive and mundane. If the man wants to exclusively date you, he will let it be known. If he doesn’t mention it, then he is simply seeking something casual while simultaneously trying to inch towards sleeping with you. Don’t give him access to your kitty 🐈⬛ …and date others until one of them steps up to the plate.
@@smores8982 I feel we were dating the same guy, lol. The guy I *_was_* with, was exactly the same way. I *_was_* with him (long distance) for 8 mths. Frequent travel was part of his job. I wasn't silly enough to give him what he didn't earn. He still couldn't commit but begged for more time to "make up his mind". He didn't get that.
@@naightengale101 after 8 months he still needs more time? Heck, I’d cut him off after 3-4 months. He’s stringing you along because he doesn’t want to entirely cut off the benefits he is getting. And if you can’t cut him off, at least cut off his access to the cookie. 😉 A man should be the one to bring it up and if you have to be the one to mention the topic, play close attention to what he says and his actions that follow. If there is any sense of hesitation, he’s not the one.
Exactly! Rotational dating is the way to go to find the serious choice. I see too many woman put too much focus on one guy in a DATING relationship, and they get hurt. Rotational dating doesn’t me sleep with the guys - it’s dating only until you find the guy that’s willing to commit, then it stops.
Thank you so much. I'm in my early 20's and I downloaded a dating app again. I have to careful with men as I know that they don't always have the best intentions. Also thank you for being so vulnerable with your own story and for helping women recognize certain signs. You're an angel!
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 take it from another Auntie. I ignored these signs too. . Walk. Mine choose work too over me. Marriage was rational decision too. He made me pay emotionally but I will make him pay financially 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑
Something similar happened me. I was more attractive than him and he was shorter than me. I liked him very much and I was so nice to him. At first he treated me good, but by time it changed and I often told him in a kind way that the lack of caring from him was hurting me. He made me believe that I was overreacting... I finally broke up with him. I still miss him but I'm convinced that he never really liked me... only my attention
He liked you. Perhaps maybe too much. When (bad) men don't feel attractive, they date a woman out of their league and treat her terribly to boost their egos. They convince themselves that you accept the mistreatment because of how attractive they are. The more you take it the better they feel about themselves. This is why I'll never date a short man again.
@@yzma6142 at the beginning he could not stop mentioning how special I am. He said that I make him happy. He was most of the times the one who wrote a good morning message. He talked about having a family, a house, going on vacations. And normal he called me to say goodnight. Then time by time he stopped mentioning all those things. He was never very creative and ambitious regards to our dates. Well, the last 2 months before I ended it, he messaged me irregular and he only met me for making out. Also he never really spent money for me. I really lowered my standards for him, because I liked him and how he made me feel at the beginning. He said once that he loved me but at this time he was drunk. I know that I sound like an complete idiot but I was emotionally very invested and it broke my heart that I was not good enough for him. I get so many nice and lovely compliments (especially for my looks), he never gave me a complement for my looks he said only one time that I look "great" when I was wearing a revealing dress. I guess I was not his type and not attractive for him
Exactly, I know my husband only gets me around because he can’t get the woman he actually wants and wants me take care or his child. He also doesn’t want to part with his money. Don’t ever get married ladies.
I think my bf and I are settling for each other. I feel this way and I feel he feels this way as well. In a sense, we're both equally using each other. We're both definitely missing out on love and life.
Codependency possibly? Idk your situation but from the little description you’ve provided I’d suggest look into that and make sure that’s not what you’re doing. (I’ve made this mistake before.) or maybe you just have a mutual beneficial relationship like y’all just stay because of convenience
He doesn’t really initiate seeing each other or hanging out unless it was late at night or end of the day after he’d been out with friends already and has nothing else to do so then he calls you for some attention… such as hours after he got off work. And sometimes after trying to get other females but failed so you’re his last resort for a booty call.
This is so true and that is why this was painful to listen to. It’s never good to feel like a consolation prize. Those relationships hardly ever work out.
That's why I tell women. DONT BUILD WITH A MAN. MEET HIM AT THE FINISH LINE!!!! You don't know if you're the woman he truly wants or has to be with cause he can't do better. I'm wife #2 my husband is a successful business man. He has admitted he only felt duty and obligation to his first wife cause he was working minimum wage jobs and was building a company. He had no time to date and needed companionship. He married when baby came stayed until kids turned 18 and left for college. He stated he felt so guilty about it. He didn't contest anything gave her the 2 houses and two AUDI cars. Meet him at finish line Don't try to build him up. You are only BUILDING HIM UP for someone else. Avoid men trying to get their life together. You should do a video "MEET HIM AT THE FINISH LINE."
That’s not always possible, when he’s at the finish line, he’s crossing it with someone else! How many single and available men are out there now looking for someone to cross the line with? Either they already have someone else in tow, or they want to cross the line with the full team of as many women as they can get!
Wow! I felt like he was ready to dip at anytime too. And I over played my part tryna prove something. Lesson learned. The relationship brought me to Jesus so no regrets of it. He is forgiven and I have moved on
What I'll say about people who settle for spouses labelled in their minds as second best is that they are evil bastards. Only a child of satan can take all your devotion, intended for the love of your life, and use it as a temporary comfort before they find the one. The price of devotion is reciprocity, whether it comes from the one you love, or the one you're pretending to love. Don't accept what you can't give back in equal measure. No, you're not entitled to be loved and not love back. Decent human beings always feel weird accepting too big of a gift from someone they don't love.
5:49 🧠His reasons says, " shes the best you can do for the time being so take her so that you dont remain single and miserable." ❤But his heart says, " i dont really want her and im not happy with her."
I honestly wish somebody had advised me this early into the relationship. I did saw some signs and I thought perhaps this is his way of coping since we are both autistic. After many months of being in that toxic relationship, just last week, somebody told me that theres a point where his autism ends and where his disrespect towards you starts. I didnt want to believe it initially until a couple of days ago he introduced his "new woman" to the world and how he would try his best to change his ways for her. I'm still shattered and in shock. As much as I would wish to regret meeting him, I decided to look at this from a positive angle: through that "relationship" I got to accept that im autistic and I have traumas that I need to solve before getting to the next relationship. Also through such videos, I get to learn the signs that somebody doesnt have the best intentions for me ( Since i struggle detecting that). Thank you for your videos 💘
I would only add those are also traits of narcissists Sometimes they don’t have a first choice in someone else Their first choice is only themselves So every partner is simply choice number two until they find a more beneficial replacement Sad but also experienced in my own life
Kevin Hart did this to his first wife. That’s why I can never respect him. Not only did he dump her once he leveled up, he did so after she birthed his children and she even supported HIM financially before his big break. He didn’t even have a real job. He was the third child in the family essentially… the way he did it was even more disrespectful. I’m sure he was cheating on the first wife with the second wife for like a year before he finally gave the first wife the boot.
This goes hand in hand when you date someone with an abundance of narcissistic traits. Thanks for sharing. It helps me to be more objective and is making many of your subscribers wiser for the next time around.
I will play this video everyday like a song . More power to you girl . May Allah bless you with all the happiness of this world , I want to talk to you personally if that's possible 😭❤️
God my ugliest ex. He looked so terrible omg made me feel like an option. I’m really pretty and he made me feel second choice. The only reason I got so reliant on him was bc I was going thru something really traumatic. I left him for my now husband.
I love what I’m seeing from this channel and others commenting here. I didn’t have my dad, or siblings growing up. I also didn’t have any other family members sit me down to have talks like these so as you can imagine, I made all kinds of dumb relationship mistakes because I had ZERO modeling or education on how the men of today behave. It’s cost me tens of thousands in attorney fees to get away from abuse and emotional distress that you can’t even put a price on and now I have trust issues. I don’t know who is who and which way is up anymore. I just wanted to be happy but I have come to realize that the only way to achieve happiness is from within. All I need is me, myself, and I.
Yes, you're right; the two most important things we'll probably do in our lives--getting married and having children--are the least, if at all, we get educated and trained on. Is it a wonder why there are so many dysfunctional marriages and families!? Yes, again, you could go it alone, but I don't think we're wired for that. Also, I do agree happiness as well as life is an "inside-out" job--whatever you think, feel, envision, and believe WILL manifest, to the degree you operate in outrageous "joy," aka belief. When my daughter, who is now 42, got to dating age I told her: "Guys give LOVE to get sex; girls give SEX to get love. When the act takes place, consciously or subconsciously, who has met their goal and is now looking around for the next conquest? So, NEVER SLEEP WITH THEM BEFORE YOU MARRY THEM." The reason is our two dimensions of the physical and the spiritual have an inverse relationship. If you give priority to the physical, you shut your spirit down and it's your spirit that can see the "red flags" 10 miles away. Odds are you will NOT see every runaway train coming down the tracks and that's where your spirit, who does see EVERYTHING, will come into play. Men will then try to get you to run the "guilt gamut"--"If you loved me, you'd sleep with me." The response, I told her, is, "If you loved me, you wouldn't have asked!" Last two things. First, as Tony Robbins my decades-long mentor said, "When you go into a relationship, you have to go in with the idea of "giving." If you go in with the idea of "needing, wanting or taking, oh boy, you're in for a lot of trouble." With the mindset of BEING a giver, now go out and find ANOTHER giver. Therefore, my definition of "true love" which I believe is what we all seek, is, "True love never gives up on giving a 100%"--like God and Jesus. You can CHOOSE to make marriage a covenant. In which case if it's true love you're then saying to God, "We're VOWING, absolutely COMMITTING, to giving a 100%--100-100. If you go in with a "50-50" mentality, you don't have a covenant, you have a CONTRACT. And, when in the eyes of your partner, NOT YOU, you've "violated" the contract, you haven't measured up, then they cry, "Breach of contract; I'm out of here!" Lastly, I understand your reluctance to trust, but trust is an important component of a healthy relationship. So how do you reconcile your past in having been burned and lied to and go forward? First of all, you follow the rule above so you can be vigilant of the red flags. Next, you trust but then VERIFY. Like the Bible says, "By their FRUITS (actions) you shall know them." Flowery words are nice and even perhaps necessary, but they're only credible when they're a PRELUDE to ACTIONS, BEHAVIORS that are congruent with their words. Sorry, I lied; there's one more critical thing. In reference to my first paragraph above, you have to go in believing God has that perfect person FOR YOU. Armed with that belief, you WILL successfully navigate the twists, turns and even turbulence of the relationship waters no matter what. As YOU become the woman worthy of entering a COVENANT with, you will attract the man worthy of being in covenant with you. 😇
@@johnahuna474 THIS is the advice that I wish my parents had given me!! All I really got from my father was "if you come home pregnant I'm gonna stomp you out". Yes, he said that to me. My mother and I had a weirdly turbulent relationship and she just didn't talk to me much on the subject. I made SO many mistakes, the worst of which was certainly giving sex to find love and let me tell you to this day, after 20 years of looking I'm still single, never married and childless. I had a slew of dead-end and/ or abusive relationships. I ended an almost decade-long relationship earlier this year with an abusive guy who was a serial cheater and pathological liar, and oh boy did he show me year after year that he was just settling with me. He's still paying one of his ex-girlfriends' phone bill, and cheated on me with a different ex gf. Ugh. I'm caring for one of my parents now and have chosen to focus my energy on that. I've been praying for a husband for 20 years, and I had to realign my desires to that of GOD, which led me to the realization that I'd never, EVER in my past dated an equally yoked man. So that became the first thing I have begun to pray for, someone equally yoked and perfect for me-- I also prayed for me to be perfect for this man for whom I am praying. Not perfection, but just right for each other. In the meantime, I'm focused on my parent and also on trying to make myself a better person, friend and any other place where GOD wants to improve me. I'm so thankful to have seen this video, and read this reply thread. Thank you for sharing such priceless insight. May GOD bless you all and please stay safe out there 🤎🤎
@@monetstallion9363 Congrats Monet for being honest with yourself, but a word of caution--don't beat up on yourself. We all make mistakes; I'm part of that same club. We can't always prevent birds from crapping on our head, but we CAN prevent them from NESTING there! lol What's most critical is NOT acknowledging our mistakes although that is imperative. What's most critical is LEARNING from your mistakes which it seems you have done--GOOOD GIRL! General Colin Powell, in essence, echoed the Biblical principle of "forgetting things that are past and press on (keep on believing, keep on doing)" when he said LEARN the lessons of the past and then DUMP them (the condemnation and the guilt trips). I think the first step in your healing and being the best person God wants you to be so you can attract the best person FOR YOU is forgiving your parents, if you haven't done so already. In any relationship with parents, siblings, children, friends or co-workers, etc., forgiving someone, which doesn't mean you're accepting what they've done or haven't done, allows you to move on unencumbered. Walking in unforgiveness is like taking poison and expecting the OTHER person to die. I, too, would have liked to have "better" parents, although my relationship with them was nowhere near the dysfunction you had with yours. But I've given them "the benefit of the BELIEF (not doubt because you'd still be doubting) that they did the best they could with the information and experience they had although lacking, obviously and sadly so with your parents. This in no way EXCUSES their behavior but it is an EXPLANATION for it. About 15 years ago? I was on a business training webinar with a multi-millionaire Christian and he said, "If you really, really WANT something, you're going to get! AND if you really, really DON'T WANT something...you're going to GET THAT, TOO! Because it's not about what you want or don't want, it's what you FOCUS on!" At the risk of being too windy, that awareness was and continues to be a LIFE-CHANGER for me. I was giving a Sunday morning talk at a retirement center talking about the two most important scriptures per Jesus--love God with all your heart and love your neighbor AS yourself. And as I was speaking, God rhetorically lol, (God really does have a sense of humor) speaks to my spirit and asks, "And do you know what the THIRD most important scripture is?" What He gave was Philippians 4:8--(You should read the whole chapter to get the full context and impact of this verse) "Whatever things are true (I'm paraphrasing here), noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous or ANYTHING praiseworthy, MEDITATE (and for emphasis He added FOCUS) on these things." When I heard that I flashed back to 3 years earlier and what the businessman said on the webinar and got the full revelation and wisdom of this scripture--WHAT YOU FOCUS ON IS WHAT YOU GET! My apologies for such a long response, but I'm just writing off "the top of my spirit" (not my head) and what God wanted to say to you through me. I have GOOD NEWS for YOU! You can STOP PRAYING for God's husband of your dreams and start THANKING God, every day, for His best husband for you. When you "pray" for something, what does that presume? That you don't have it, right? But that's not how God operates. In the book of Genesis, God didn't change Abram's name to "FUTURE father of many nations;" He changed it to "Abraham," FATHER of many nations AS IF HE ALREADY WAS A FATHER! I won't go into the 25 year journey that Abraham chose to take before finally BELIEVING what God told him and that's when Isaac was born. So now you can start THANKING the Lord every day for the desires God has placed in your heart, one of them being a husband, "Thank You, Lord, for your perfect godly husband for me (not perfect husband, but perfect for you; I saw you got that right) and thank You, Lord, I am that perfect godly wife for him!" Erase all doubt that that's what God wants for you and state it with complete conviction and confidence that it's already done! Your circumstances, your past don't matter to God. You don't need to try to FIGURE THINGS OUT on your own focusing on your circumstances. That's what Abraham and Sarah did, and with dire future consequences Ishmael was born from Sarah's servant. Only when God kicked Abraham's spiritual ass (apologies), did Abraham FINALLY believe and Isaac was born from Sarah, in spite of the PHYSICAL fact she was 94! And it was through Isaac's lineage that Jesus was born. In your life and mine, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE to God. We SIMPLY, although not EASILY, just need to "pray, thank and obey...and GET OUT of the way (get out of your mind) and GET INTO the Way Of The Word (Scripture). I've been married (total 33 years) and divorced twice (not my choices) and I figured out I may as well make use of all the great information, aka lessons I learned, from those 33 years so I'm working on (for the last 10 years) my third and LAST marriage. In my spirit and my soul IT'S A DONE DEAL! I'm just walking out and working out the details in GOD'S WAY and in HIS TIME because I know, "God's timing is always perfect; He's NEVER late and SELDOM early!" Okay, MAGNIFICENT MONET! if you've read all the way through till now, thank you for the blessing of your considering what God laid on my heart to share with you. I don't profess to know everything or that everything I've shared with you, is for you, so do what I tell everyone I personally share with, "Don't listen to me; listen to what God is speaking to you through your heart, and 'eat the meat and spit out the bones,' if any!" God bless you and your parent (your Mom?). CONGRATULATIONS IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR GOD-LED AND SPIRIT-FILLED MARRIAGE! 👍👍 😇😇 ❤ Much Love & Aloha through Jesus ❤ Just & OUTRAGEOUSLY Joyous Jubilee John in Paradise LOL ^_^*
@@Duncanexgirlfriend Thank you "young lady" (age doesn't matter because "young" is relative) for your acknowledgement. To whom much is given, much is required. (Luke 12:48) As with every blessing God shares with us, wealth, wisdom, wonderful relationships (marriages) comes the responsibility to share it. God blesses us SO THAT we can be the BLESSING He calls us to be every day.😇 I've been on an international online dating (connection) site for nearly 8 years (Nov.) Something in what I said and the manner I said it in profile seems to have resonated in women's hearts of all ages, 21 - 51, I'm 73-going-on-43! lol--to the tune of 300+ letters and chat invitations A DAY! I share in one of my "custom" template letters, I share the fact that I'm only one man and that the most JOYOUS day of my life will be connecting with the "love of my now life" and yet, at the same time it will be my SADDEST day because many women will be disappointed and perhaps even discouraged that I did not choose them. That's why I'm always pointing them to God. Make me #1 in your life and I will "fail" you; make God #1, I'll settle for #2, because He NEVER leaves us nor forsakes us. To the contrary, it's WE who leave Him. I also share, even though I've been on the site for nearly 8 years, I'm not anxious because God's timing is ALWAYS perfect; He's never late and seldom early. In ANYTHING that I do, particularly finding God's best wife for me, I never want to run BEFORE God. Even if I'm thick-headed and don't get the message early on, the worse case it I have to play CATCH UP. If, however, I run before God, trust solely in myself, then I have to play CLEAN UP which will be, virtually guaranteed, a lot of headaches and heartaches and potentially UGLY as we see women echoing throughout this thread. It's been a fascinating 8-year journey; I've probably learned more about myself and what God desires for me in the last 8 years than the previous 64 years. I'm having the necessary conversations and dialogues with these women that I NEVER had, nobody tells us, right,? with both my former wives. Again, thank you for your appreciation, keep looking for those "good reports." I had a "God inspiration" that says, "Gratitude is the governor of your Greatness" and everything I've read supports that premise. Have a Joyous, an upgrade from Happy, Virus-Free AND Free Life! Joyous John! ^_^*
Lol as a man here If I can speak for most of us we aren’t saving are money for a a dream girl. Maybe a dream house dream car but for another adult no 🤣. Sometimes your “first choice” can be an example of what you don’t need in life. Everyone is different only way to know if ur being played is having a real convo with the person your interested in
Thank you for being a voice of reason to not over estimate or upset yourself with over thinking. The only plausible cause to separate I see would be for infidelity, sex with another and it's a painful anxiety to live your life in the "what ifs" I belive we should be proactive teaching ladies and girls what to look for from the start , pray about it and allow life to happen. But once you choose marry/ or have sex with someone you must aim to honor that commitment and work past always having your way. Of course leave if there is infidelity obviously but in the mean time, don't do what you don't want with a person- SPEAK UP for yourself for what you want,likes and dislikes. And don't wait around for somone else to provide the things you want when God is your Source. If you want attention embrace other options friends or pets, if you want fun outings create some. End the end the person is either going to see you happy and want to join in that with you or stray apart and go to that other thing and if they do you have the freedom to leave and prob won't even miss them too much because you've been making yourself HAPPY period .
Black women! Never help a man build! Never be a "Build A Boo!" Never go 50/50! Never be "A Startup Wife." Never be "A Footstool Woman." Never give a man your money! Never let a man move in with you! Never use your good credit and co-sign for a man to get a loan, start a business, or get a credit card. ONLY GET WITH A MAN THAT IS FULLY ESTABLISHED AND HAS MORE THAN YOU! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED 🤨
This is good advice for women of all colors. I've seen many white women used as help and discarded the second men thought they could do better! I was one of them. Luckily, I never gave them money, but I lost time and effort to help them. They praised me for my help at first and then resented me for it. They all tried to return to me when their "dream women " refused them or made them miserable, but I refused them. And I'm not ugly, I was a beauty peagent winner with a nice, sociable and helpful character, but I did not have much money.
Lmao why? Or are you just a gold digger? Why never help a man build? You should support each other in relationships. You're just a gold digger. No woman who actually loves their partner follows these (except the two in the middle). Also, why can't you go 50/50? You just don't wanna put any effort, he does everything for you while you don't support him and love him? No self-respecting man would get with you. They deserve better.
Gold digger detected. Relationships are supporting each other. Why can't you help a man build? That's what I mean, you should support him, why can't you go 50/50? Because you don't wanna put in effort? "Never a give a man your money!" Aww, but he's supposed to waste his on someone who wouldn't even support him or help him? This is disgusting. Gold digger, who wants to put in no effort detected.
It could be a good description of a narcissist but watch out to other men too they can exhibit some of these behaviors even if they are not narcissists. ❤️❤️
All men are narcissists when it comes to relationships. They are not wired as women who are picky in mate selection and they have permanent sexual desires. Without any emotional thinking (being in love) he will settle for any woman who gives him sex and benefits because it's easier having permanent access to sex and emotional support (ego strokes). When the woman can't satisfy these needs he won't keep her he will naturally devalue her because shes like a broken appliance. As when he finds a woman he falls in love with he doesn't want her taking space in his garage. You think a man will go sexless from puberty until he finds the one (in his 20s or 30s)?? Definitely not! Men pay prostitutes to have their sexual needs satisfied. They ejaculate and they are good to go. That's why many women will say her ex partner is a narcissist by the way the relationship went. Men always had concubines, side pieces, mistresses. They jusy aren't in love. The so called "lack of chemistry" without a chemical bond they have no connection at all to a female partner. She's just an appliance. They destroy us but they really don't care, collateral damage.
Good one, yes. I experienced these things, too and I had to walk away. Unfortunately it isn't that easy to find one where there is a high level of mutuality, where both are number 1s for each other, approximately the same much.
I can't say I have dealt in a relationship like that but even when dating I notice these signs early on and I immediately end it before the guy continue to manipulate me to stay longer in a situationship where no progress is being made. They wasn't lying about men refusing to end the relationship and women being the first one to make the choice. Because yeah despite them not liking you they still want to have you around them. Definitely an ego booster to make it seem as if you're chasing after them. This guy would purposely ignores me knowing fully well I have sent him messages, barely plans wny dates or spend time with me but has time for his friends and other activities. I wouldn't get any morning or good night messages for me to read or when I'm too busy to be on the phone. To ask them to be honest is a waste of time.
That was excellent reminders of a painful past. Now taking full responsibility for my life I see where I wasn't enthusiastic about myself, wasn't fully in love with him or self. You must reflect all you want. We all must believe we deserve only a beautiful passionate love from a stable amazing self and partner. Be your own first choice. Deeply self loving women rarely put up with crumbs. Prioritize self he/ world will mirror.
The thing about you becoming a priority to a man over his work is simply a very common issue, and i am here to tell you ladies that, a mans work is his core, it's how we generate value. The latter is obviously off-putting there is nothing that can satisfy a woman, a man will go to work so that he can provide because he is thinking about the future of his family. Money doesn't grow on trees. Life is stressful as it is, so its not an escape. But the other points are spot on
I agree 100 %. My last boyfriend worked a lot/really hard and I always praised him for it and told him how proud I was of him. Unfortunately tho there was a girl from his past who dumped him that he would always talk about, how gorgeous she was, how she was such an amazing good person… I never received really flattering compliments of equal or greater value compared to his compliments for her. So ya, I was his 2nd choice and the relationship ended
If he's controlling, deceptive,crosses boundaries, and possessive please RUN Or he will make your life very hard. Please listen. You'll save yourself a LOT of heartache.
Yes and this is why they end up with the short end of the stick and settling for what they can get. I have walked away from men like that. This is just a pure reflection of a low vibrational man. It shows that he's low value and operates from his ego. For a man to have someone until someone cones along is all kinds of wrong. I dated a few guys like that but the irony of it is that they end up feeling unfulfilled in the long run and end up going broke to keep the dream girl. One thing I will never be is someone's second plate.
When a man does something like that it will cost him every thing. But I always have the last laugh. If men chose wisely and didn't operate from their ego, they would be happy.
Both men and women do this. Not just men. I have not done any research on the statistics of the ratio on who settles more for the other partner but it is quite fascinating how long civilization has been around and how different the problems in committed relationship situations have changed. It's easy to say don't settle and don't get settled for but in reality there are so many more factors then we're mentioned in this video.
I’m finding it hard to come to terms with this truth. I know everything you said in this video was about how my ex felt about me. Is there a video you can give us tips on how to move forward, healing, forgive and move on ? Thank you for sharing 💜
First, cry your eyes out and allow yourself to wallow in it. You'll eventually burn out on feeling sorry for yourself and then second phase is to get immersed in a hobby you enjoy. Art is a great healer, or something you can get obsessed with in a positive way. Set goals and go after them. It'll take your mind off of the heartache and you'll feel fulfilled. Exercise is also an amazing way to get some natural endorphins and will help you feel like you're taking control of your life. If none of that appeals to you, at the very least write down where you think it went wrong and also admit where you may have some fault. That may help with your perspective, forgiveness and may help you for a future relationship. Either way, I'm sorry you're hurting because I've been there too. Best healing journey to you!!
As @Anony Mouse said, in relationships with respect to responsibility for the outcomes, life is a two-way street. The only distinction is the SIZE of the responsibility for each participant--bike lane or freeway. Look first at yourself and where you might have missed it and change. All of life is a CHOICE. Even God doesn't dictate to us what to do but He does give us big HINTS as to what we should do. Like in Deuteronomy, "I've put before you blessing and cursing, death and life (you have a choice), CHOOSE LIFE!" (the really big hint! lol) Choose to forgive your "ex" and you start that needed HEART, not HEAD process, by quit calling him your "ex-." I learned this from my second wife early on in our marriage; I think it was within 2 weeks of our being married. I was referring to my first wife as, I would guess MOST EVERYONE does, my "ex-" wife. My second wife then said, "You can call her Nancy you know because every time you say "ex-wife" I see this skull and cross bones "X" across her picture. I wasn't thinking in those terms but the observation of what I was saying and what by perception I might be saying to others about how I felt was spot on. Now, when I refer to my first two wives (I'm divorced from both although not my choice), I refer to them as "my FORMER wives." Not necessarily a big deal, but it does take the conscious or subconscious edge off of the reference; not a roadblock to healing but subtly a possible speedbump. Next step, FORGIVE YOURSELF. Sidestep or pulverize the temptation to feel GUILTY that you're a failure or a worthless human being for having made a mistake. NEWS FLASH! EVERYONE is part of that MISTAKE CLUB; you're not it's only member! lol Your experience was just a not so good an OUTCOME; if you want to change the outcome, next time change the INPUT. Tony Robbins, my decades-long mentor said, "The only meaning ANYTHING has is the meaning YOU attach to it." You're NOT a failure; this was just an ugly OUTCOME. This is by far not the last step in your blueprint for healing and moving on but it is a pivotal one--give priority to your spirit. God, who loves you, speaks to your spirit, gives you wisdom, and then your spirit gives your heart directions to follow. If you give precedence to your physical, i.e. sleeping with him before you marry him, you shut your spirit down and it's your spirit that can spot the red flags "10 miles away." Unfortunately, movies today act as if having premarital sex is no big deal, but it really is. If you let someone into the "candy store" there's no incentive to make changes for what they want, because they already have what they want. Like I told my daughter, who is now 42, when she got to dating age, "Men give love to get SEX; women give sex to get LOVE. When the act takes place, who has met their goal and is now looking around for the next conquest!? So, never sleep with them BEFORE you marry them! If he says, 'If you loved me, you'd sleep with me.' The response is, 'If you loved me you wouldn't have asked!" YOUTHFUL YASMIN, just KNOW that God has that perfect FOR YOU, husband waiting for you; just focus on being that perfect wife for him. WHEN, NOT IF, you become the "perfect FOR HIM, wife, then your perfect FOR YOU husband will appear. God's timing is ALWAYS perfect--He's NEVER late and SELDOM early! ❤Much Love & Aloha through Jesus ❤ 😎 Just & ALWAYS Outrageously JOYOUS John in Paradise! lol 😇
My mom has been with her partner for 30 years. He told me 2 years ago they settled for each other 🫣 Never been married, hardly spend time with each other, he prefers to be working vs home, they don’t equally split their household finances, my mom is sickeningly sweet around him and a banshee with everyone…I could go on. It’s actually really pathetic to see
Thank you! Rewatch, rewatch, rewatch. These are exactly the answers I wanted from you. The subtle things are often the best giveaway but the behavior we deny the most.
Thank you for sharing your experience 💕🙏🏼 I never been in a relationship I'm always happy by my own but I tried twice to meet a guy, both of them had the all the signs that you have mentioned above (literally) so I ended up never dating in of them and when I stopped seeing them they're still trying to get me until today. But I have higher standards and now I know my worth, even if I never find what I'm looking for I rather be single forever.
The fact that this is true and the one guy that I truly loved put me through all of these things....I just feel like shit. I'll die alone because I'm too scared to risk my heart again
This was me with the guy I just broke up with after 8 months. I tried to fall in love with him but I just couldn't. I stayed with him because I was bored.
Every woman and girl should watch this. This would have saved me a lot of heartbreak, if someone would have told me about this when I was in my 20s. Thank you
All of these are true. My male bff does all these things with his fiance and its sad. He says he is settling because they have history and because of their family
I've spoken to 4 guys and two of them got married to other people after 6 months of them talking to me. One of them went back to and married his ex and the last one had a wife in another country. I just don't trust men's motives.
