First see if your family is willing to help at all. My mom is in her late 50s, works and is not interested in providing any help whatsoever ever. Her mindset is nobody helped her with her 5 kids so I should be able to handle my 3 kids. My inlaws are just too old to help (in their 70s) Can't always rely on the grandparents
Agree!! My mom is in a different country, my MIL has her priorities somewhere else..we can ask her to babysit once/twice a year..she works and doesn't really have any energy for anything else
My in-laws actively put my kids in harm's way. They rent a cottage next to a beach with no lifeguard, on a windy low visibility road. They act like I'm a hysterical crazy person when I ask somebody to be in arm's reach of the older child who doesn't swim so I can leave with the younger to change a diaper. My BIL thought it as appropriate to bring a dog that growls at children to Christmas dinner. FIL is dead from drugs. My mother is not any better and my father is disabled. I don't trust them to watch my kids for even a few hours.
Yes, have that hard conversation with parents early! I would kill to live near my parents, but only my mother in law has offered to watch our kids X hours a week. My mom stayed home with us our whole lives, so she has voiced that she wouldn’t watch my kids on any set schedule. She’s tired. My mother in law worked her whole life, so she missed being home with little ones. She is dying to be our babysitter half the week. Breaks my heart to not prioritize being near my own mother but we need to be where the “village” is.
This! I'm an artist with three under four, we want a big family, I'm talking at least seven. We're going to start honeschooling next year and I'm telling you that it is totally possible to remain creative and industrious. I'm more productive now than I was single and working, partially because of all the people who told me it was not possible. I *delight* in proving them wrong. And yes, picking the right husband is very important, my husband knows that my art isn't a hobby, part of my very essence, he was the one who told me to keep going when I thought I'd have to sacrifice it for the dreams of having lots of babies. As far as honeschooling goes, you start with an hour a day at most, eventually three or four, and then you release the children into the backyard. I know not everyone can do that, but my point is it is possible to do all these things and have work on the side. Women used to do it all the time, what happened to all those volunteer organisations of the past? Woman started working in corporations rather than their local communities, we need to bring this back! The best thing you can do for your dreams is be a SAHM and have a loving husband as your boss.
Hear, hear! My first is three months old and we are *almost* exclusively breastfeeding after a rough start (didn’t get skin-to-skin time immediately after birth due to complications and tongue & lip ties.) My mother-in-law has been discouraging and doubtful throughout this process, she told me that formula and bottle feeding are fine and asked why I would go through all this trouble? I have Delighted in proving her wrong. I love her, I want us all to be close, but she was flat wrong and it’s the cherry on top of a delicious sundae that after three months of pumping and lots of work with my son, we are now nursing. I hope to keep breastfeeding for as long as he and I want. And I hope that he will help me in my artistic endeavors, I’ve already been writing some decent parody songs for him!
Video is a significant upgrade! The next step is getting average men and women on the show and interviewing them. There is a massive gap in the market space for a sane matriarch who coaches young people on what family should be about and what our responsibilities are.
I'm very blessed to have help on both sides of the family. However. I have definitely noticed that in our current culture it's not just my generation that has been brainwashed against children. A lot of older people (who had their own kids) don't like children, don't like to help with grandkids and have judgemental comments about anyone who has more than two kids.
As a mom of soon to be 6, I can verify this statement as true experientially. We get a lot of hateful comments from older folks who believe in 2 child households. Period.
@@edenelston7668 True! We have to understand, though, that many of them were programmed for it. My MIL's job held weekly "coffees" with guest speakers who promoted preventative population control through 2 child families. They also promoted "planning to get yourself out of the way with a good retirement", so that younger women could move into their place. She often commented on her desire to work and stay active, but to not be in the way. She hated that we homeschooled, but she was so proud of her grandkids educational accomplishments. I realize now how much those coffee sessions were indoctrination. It was hard for her to think of going against her group. thinking.
I agree! I have 3 kids (6,4,6mo) and I get told all the time that having more would be crazy. My mother in law has voiced very loudly how she feels about "large" families. Three kids is busy, but I would never call us a large family.
I started getting comments that it was time to be done for my “health” after my second was born. My husband and I are unified about welcoming life and I’m happily expecting baby #6 this year. Pregnancy announcements are now met with barely concealed disappointment. The main person against our family size is my grandfather’s wife, a woman who never had children of her own. She recently revealed she determined years ago to be child free by choice and had her tubes tied. No wonder she is so critical of our polar opposite approach to family. I forgive her because I think she is unaware of the joy she has missed out on by intentionally never becoming a mother.
I resonate so much with what you are saying. I was raised to be a high achiever. I was a gymnast who worked out 20 hours a week at age 8. I got a full scholarship to college. I started teaching high school at 22 so by the time I had my first child at 31 I only knew achievement and hard work. I had never learned how to cook or take care of kids or a home. I'm now 39 with 3 kids, and my 30s have been humbling to say the least. My parents offer zero help or support. My husband became a stay-at-home dad because his salary didn't cover daycare. and we didn't want our kids to. be in daycare. Ironically, I wasn't in daycare because my grandma watched me as a baby, but my own parents said they don't want to ever help out. In 9 years, they haven't babysat our kids once. My husband and I had a steep learning curve when we had kids, but our strong faith and commitment to each other. is what allowed us to figure this all out. He now homeschools them and I support. We say all the time that we were raised to only think about our future careers but what we should have learned is how important it. isto choose a good spouse and focus on family life. We are lucky that we've grown into those roles, but honestly, we were both selfish people 9 years ago. It's taken us this decade to become much better people. We've talked about how when our children have kids we actually want to be there for them because we haven't had that experience.
My partner and I do not prefer either of our parents for childcare. His mom has bad boundaries(she wants to be their mom) and my mom’s health is less than ideal and it wouldn’t be safe. Instead we found other families members to help. I have an aunt, who is in her 70’s and in great shape, helps me once a week. Then I have a cousin who is about 15 years older than me, her kids are now grown, and she helps on occasion. We have also made her and her husband guardians of our children if we pass away(we have a kid with health issues so we wanted to be sure someone was in the know). Family doesn’t have to be grandparents to help, but a lot of people struggle with this concept due to the hurt surrounding their parents not wanting to help.
100% she’s correct. We did all these things, live in a townhouse, near family, on a budget we follow, on my husband’s blue-collar income (he also has a reading disability so he’s limited on what types of jobs he can do). We stopped at two kids and I find great fulfillment in the business I’ve created. We still have a great projection for retirement (we started early and sacrificed a lot by living with his parents for the first three years of marriage) and we’re saving for our kids college. We stay out of debt and make sure to serve as a family in our community weekly.
Ladies, our most valuable assets to the workforce ARE our skills learned running a household and being a wife and mother and the WISDOM that comes with it. I believe society gets the maximum benefit from women who wait to join the workforce until after their children are older (maybe high school at the earliest). There are so many jobs that require the human experience and wise women can offer that best. And the only way to gain wisdom is with time and experience. I hear so many young women just out of college complaining about how difficult it is to get a decent job without work experience on their resume. Well, motherhood is the ultimate work experience! Plus, there has never been a better time to gain knowledge for free or for a very low cost in the privacy of your own home than now if that is what you desire. Suzanne is absolutely right about doing life in seasons.
I’m a stay at home mom to 3 kids, (6 4 and 1)and live with my mother in law. It’s allowed me to pick up a part time job with shifts that are just 3 hours, so it’s not hard on the baby. It perfect for me, I get a much needed break from the kids and I get to have some spending money. If I didn’t have my mother in law to help watch them I wouldn’t be able to cope well. I agree women can have an income and stay at home just have to think outside the box
Thank goodness you have a MIL who is helpful ❤ you are blessed for this! Definitely show her the much needed love & appreciation for this, because MIL’s and moms like this are now rare!!
She could tutor others in sciences. She could even set up lab workshops, when the children are older, that happen 2 to 3 times a year. Parents always need help supplementing their children's education.
Living near my mother when I was a stay at home mom helped me emotionally so much. Even though my mother had a chronic health issue and could not babysit much, she still did, and what she did was so helpful. She adored my kids, I think having someone other than mom and dad who they knew loved them unconditionally is very important to kids. Sometimes when I was bored when my husband was at work I would bring the kids over just to hang out for an hour or 2, it would boost my spirits and give the kids a change of scenery. My mother was also a stay at home mom, she encouraged me to stay at home even though the trend of motherhood was changing to working moms. It wasn't always easy and I had to slowly learn how to budget and live a more simple life , but now know it was the best decision I have made. I wish my mom was still alive so she could see what wonderful men they have become, she was a very important part of that. I am a grandma now and try to be as encouraging and helpful and supportive as my mom was to me, I also absolutely adore my grandsons, and know she would too!
Hi Suzanne, I can't stress enough how accurate this is. I chose nursing years ago because of the flexibility it offered me when it came to having a family. I knew I wanted a family and I wanted to focus on them in the younger years. I have worked more or less depending on my family needs and I am now pregnant with my fourth child. Knowing I have the option to work two days a month as a respected ICU nurse while my very involved mother loves on my children is why I am so happy. That coupled with my extremely supportive husband who wants the same things as I do are absolutely vital to this goal. You are spot on with these four things. I have walked these things out and I am amazed at my life. I feel like I have it all and I'm so grateful for the lifestyle I have. What are your views on finance and debt when it comes to raising a family? I feel like these things go hand in hand but I would like your take on it. Can you share any insight?
To get on the same page with your spouse on where you're going financially and how you're going to get there. Then make a plan via a budget and follow through with it. (That's the short version.)
Thank you! Maybe I've been living under a rock, but I've never heard anyone online say this. My biggest gripe with the "Get married! Stay at home! Raise your children!" crowd is that they completely gloss over that none of that is possible unless you have, at the bare minimum, a non-abusive bread-winning husband. And this is coming from someone who wants to get married and devote the majority of my time to any future children I may have. Still, so many women are pushed into abusive marriages that ultimately leave them vulnerable and with no means to support themselves. Finally, someone has said, "Marry well! Stay at home! Raise your children! Start a business! Have a good life!" It's just really refreshing to hear, so thank you.
You made great point about long-term planning for the life that you want. I worked in finance more than a decade- long hours and made great money not to mention the Ego boost! Then I got married, and decided to have children. I did the math in my mind, and realized this was not going to work. I would need to pay someone to raise my children full-time plus, I got home between 7-9 most days. Very tough decision but I had to leave corporate and the money! I went to a community college over two years and did science prerequisites at night after work, and I went back to Nursing School at 38 doing an accelerated program and 12 months. Full-time nursing is three days a week or 13 twelve hour shifts a month. The shift sounds long but I worked 12 to 14 hours almost daily with 50% travel in my previous career. Years later, my kids are 14 and 12, and I have never once regretted this decision. Yes, I took a 60% pay cut and moved into a world where every single nurse was the same, there was no promoting based on having higher skills in a certain area or being a great critical thinker. I was also passed over for opportunities, that I was more than qualified for but in nursing you are promoted based on who likes you, skills and talent are not the primary factor. That was a hard pill to swallow but In this career, I was able to convert to part-time work as the kids needed me more. I chose a specialty where we do not work weekends or holidays. I could not have asked for a better quality of life as I spend every day exercising, hiking, making fresh meals from scratch and being there for my family. I worked with sick people which has taught me to appreciate life.There is not enough money in the world to replace the life I have right now
Praise God for the initial announcement about the upcoming videos. I had a very hard time with the podcasts because I'm a hearing impaired and had to rely on captions when available. Now with the videos I can read the lips. Thank you..
It’s such a shame how we fought for our rights to not be thrown into an insane asylum, have ownership of our own children, voting…. All to be told that we now can’t raise those children. It’s a deep programming to think it is beneath us. I think we are crawling out of this mindset, but like you said, it is our job to choose the right man. When I announced to my family I was leaving work, my brother in law turned to my husband and said “they don’t wanna work, gotta do everything” or something along those lines. My sister is still working and I’m not because I have a husband who sees it as an extremely important role.
Thank you Suzanne! These talks are helping me prepare to have these discussions with my daughters some day. My oldest daughter is only 7, but I am still laying the groundwork of the importance of motherhood and how her littlest sister depends so much on me because her brain is forming. She is 6 months old. My career is in the medical field and I did work while my middle daughter was a baby but I worked nights so my husband would be home with her. But now I know that situation wasn’t ideal, but the best considering the circumstances. But i almost lost my mind, doing both working and mothering poorly in my opinion. I don’t want my daughters to make the same mistakes I did. Thanks for your expertise.
Suzanne, your podcast is truly remarkable. I eagerly anticipate each new episode, and it's been incredibly valuable as I embark on my journey to return home full-time. It's providing me with a profound sense of purpose and a deeper understanding of the underlying motivations. Please keep them coming ❤️
I studied engineering, I was home full time with my kids for the first year (twins) and then started to work part time after that maybe 12 hours a week. I now work 36 hours a week between a work from home job and subbing while my Step Mom helps 2 days a week. My kids are both now 5 and in school half days. But the flexibility of my works means I am there for every volunteer event, every field trip, every thing that they need me for. I get to enjoy their lives, make my home peaceful, AND have tan outlet for personal growth. It is the best next eight decision I made. 😂
Suzanne I’m so happy I found you! Every piece of advice is exactly what I tell my children. I was worried for a few years when my oldest was in university and then off to law school. I worried that she was falling for all the woke, feminist garbage she was bombarded with at school and in the media. I can’t describe the feeling the day she told me that there was no way she would live with her boyfriend before marriage or ever put their future kids in daycare. Your kids are listening and they’re watching. She saw the example my husband and I set for our children and that has proven more powerful than their peers, their schools and their culture. Suzanne keep doing what you’re doing because we need voices like yours to reinforce what’s right in a world telling us to do the opposite!
It’s funny that as a stay at home mom what you are sharing seems incredibly obvious.. but it really isnt ever talked about or spelled out. I’m so glad that you are talking about it, and I’m glad that I wanted a life like you describe even though I didn’t have the guidance or demonstration of the importance of family and marriage. I’m so grateful I’ve created this life where relationships and family come first. I wish I lived closer to my parents, but at least we live close to cousins and aunts and uncles and my husbands dad who is very helpful and supportive. Wishing all women can have this kind of guidance Susan so they can make informed decisions about their long term goals. 💜 This kind of information should be shared from mother to daughter 💜
The first question - Sally Clarkson!!! Shes wildly passionate about her children and nurturing them, but also has a career as an author, and speaker, and is one of my heroes. Boundaries. You have to set boundaries and priorities and figure out what you're willing to sacrifice in order to pursue your career, and how much you're willing to take on and still be present for your children. That's going to be a different threshold for each woman.
I agree that it's harder when you don't live close to family. I have a supportive husband and and family-friendly job but due to my husband's career, we had to move far away from our original homes. We're slowly building new friendships but still don't have convincing babysitting options and man is it hard. We love being parents but every parent knows that being on your own with little ones 24/7, 365 days, comes with many challenges. I agree wholeheartedly to all the other points.
I too have followed in her path (see my last comment) and worked from home since 2009. I have lived in vacation resorts in both Orlando and Los Angeles because I wanted to live my life while I was on vacation.
#4. Living by family when the time comes--- i think thats the one that was totally skipped for me and Hs truly hurt my ability to stay positive when trying to be a stay st home mom with our 2 little ones. Ive always wanted to help of family but have never truly felt they would be there for me and assist with letting me pursue even just a weekly hreak from our kids. If i had this help, id say the tough moments wouldnt be as hard. Great posy!
Dear Susan Thanks for your honest and clear input to building a home, family and career. Our women sorely need and miss this information and are drowning in the misinformation and propaganda of the feminist ideology, leaving an entire generation without love, life and happiness Thanks
Lots of flexible jobs in IT for women. I work full time from home with my son at home with very flexible working hours given our teams are located globally. I really encourage more women to work in IT.
There are trade-offs both ways, which I think is important to emphasize. I believe you are saying that if a woman wants children and a more traditional home-making environment, she's going to have to prioritize that and think long-term about the sectors in which she chooses to work. And I agree with that. Conversely, as you say, if a woman prioritizes her career, caring for children in the traditional sense will have to take a back seat. The take-away, to me, is that it is impossible to "have it all." I also think your comment about life and career not being linear can't be overstated. I think it's relatively rare that someone's life unfolds exactly the way they had planned and pictured it. In fact, I can't say I know anyone for whom that is true. It is vital to be able to think on your feet, as it were, to roll with the punches life inevitably deals you, and to adapt your plans and strategies to support your priorities. (And of course, all this needs to be done while taking a spouse's life trajectory into account, too.) Life is not easy, and I don't think it ever has been. There is no "one-size-fits-all" approach; each person, each couple or family, will have to find their own way. I think the counseling you offer, Ms. Venker, is invaluable to navigating the often confusing and sometimes dismaying complexities of contemporary life. I greatly enjoy your commentaries, video or audio-only, and wish you continued success.
I don't completely agree with Susanne's assertion to live near family. Yes, grandparents are very important relationships to a child, but is she saying no one can ever move away from family if they want to live in a better place? I think it is possible for children to have an amazing relationship with their grandparents and not be neighbors with them, it just means more work to make those visits happen. My husband and I just had our first baby 2 months ago and live a 3hr plane ride away from our families. We chose to live where we are since we did not like the climate and activities that went with it where our families are. Yes, these are selfish reasons, but aren't we supposed to be living the lives we want to and not under our parents thumbs?
Hi Suzanne, thanks for your video, you are 100% right at what you say, really enjoying your podcasts, wish I had that advice years ago, my life would have been so different, best wishes from Linda , in Scotland xxx
I think that mothers and mother in laws should not be taken advantage of. People want free childcare to better their situation at the expense of their aging parents, who cannot keep up with their grandkids, discipline them, or help them with their school work. There is a good reason why women get menopause. They are no longer fit to raise kids. Once these mothers and mother in laws are older and have nothing else to offer, who will take care of THEM? They may be better off actually working for pay than providing free childcare. I worked at a senior center and know that many old people will be treated like burdens by their own children. I don’t think that it takes a village to raise a child. If you and your spouse are healthy, lean on your spouse for support. Let grandparents enjoy their grandchildren, don’t guilt them into providing you with free childcare. Women act like motherhood is the worst thing that can happen to their “real” career goals. Are we really meant to be full time workers and part time moms? Let’s be honest, women are fighting to be breadwinners but the men are not fighting to be homemakers. Many working women are picking up a SECOND shift when they get home to their families. A hobby and a career are two different things. If you MUST work outside of the home, than that changes everything. My point is, your parents already sacrificed a lot to raise you, don’t complain about your small family to them and milk them for the sake of your career. It’s selfish. I know women who are being spread thin because they “love” their career. One even boasted about not needing to work and working for “herself”, her vanity. Meanwhile, her aging mother was taking care of her three kids and her elderly father who had a stroke had to put up with the grandchildren who don’t listen. The kids did not listen to their mother or anyone. If she were a single mom, I would commend her and her loving parents for supporting her but that was not the case.
I just left my elementary teacher job. I now work from home as a call center representative in the evening(during slower paced call volume hours). I also just interviewed for a fancy daycare for the infant classroom. There my little one can receive support to reach developmental milestones while Mommy gets some social time and 50% off the daycare expense.
I’ve been watching your podcast on RU-vid for maybe a month or two and I didn’t care if it was on video or not. I just use RU-vid for podcasts. Just FYI! Love your podcasts
Hello. New to your show over the last couple of months. I only found out about you through RU-vid. So, let your PR person know that it was a good step for you to move to RU-vid. :-)
Wow this was amazing. I wish I’d know this when I was in high school. I tried to pick my career based on its part/time capabilities. But I didn’t factor in student loan debt, and location of where to settle. And my husband kind of switched up his career on me after we were married. But anyhoo while my heart was in the right place, this is the information I wish I got back then. I would’ve made a few choices differently. But I’m glad to hear that I’m close. I can make tweaks and make this happen. I have a 2 year old and one bun in the oven. So trying to map out what kind of life I want to have for them!
Suzanne, I hope you saw my comment about doing video form ;) your videos that are live instead of just a cover photo have a lot more views!! Hopefully it expands your reach.
I'm in need of some perspective on two complex matters that my husband and I are grappling with: 1. Financially, things have been tight for us. We're both employed by nonprofits, sectors known for their rewarding work but not for lucrative pay. My husband, a man of deep Catholic faith, has dedicated his career to teaching religion in a private school. Despite the joy he finds in his vocation, the modest income makes it difficult to make ends meet, let alone invest in his dream of becoming a college professor. To achieve this, he'd need to further his education, aiming for a Ph.D. in Theology. Unfortunately, the financial burden of such an education seems insurmountable given our current circumstances. How can we realistically support his aspiration to advance in academia without placing ourselves in a precarious financial situation? 2. Then there's the matter of my family's influence on my yet-to-be-born children. We live in close proximity to my family, who are secular and lean heavily towards liberal values, in stark contrast to our conservative stance. I value the environment in which my children will grow up, and I'm apprehensive about how their liberal views and lifestyles might affect my kids, especially when it comes to my siblings' children. I'm hesitant to even voice that I'm considering limiting future interactions-it sounds severe, maybe even prejudiced. Additionally, there's my father, whose struggle with alcoholism adds another layer of concern. How should I handle these delicate family dynamics while upholding the values I hold dear and protecting my children from potentially harmful influences?
I’m just a mom with 5 little kids and similar situation and can honestly say the church body is your actual family. Sometimes they line up where a blood relative is also Christian and everything is awesome. Sometimes they don’t. If I had a dollar every time I saw my Christian friends who had their kids cousin/aunt/uncle lead them down awful paths in life as teens I’d have quite a few bucks. It was too uncomfortable to say no to the cousin but if that kid wasn’t a cousin…NO WAY they would have let their kid hang out with them. We don’t have to bond ourselves or our family to those in rebellion to God. Jesus addresses family “who is my mother? Who is my sister?” it was anyone that did the will of His father in Heaven. The other, student loans have destroyed my family and we will never own a house due to dti and lots of other problems. Don’t go in the hole. Find cash, internship with a church or a different path. Compounding interest cripples us. My 2 cents literally worth nothing. I’m just an anonymous mom on RU-vid.
Great video. I wish I had been given this advice when I was young. Instead I grew up with the toxic, women can have it all and are better than men. 🤦🏻♀️. No wonder society is in a mess.
I wish more grandparents were willing to help. My grandparents moved in with my parents and did all the yardwork, dishes, meal prep and laundry. They also bought the groceries, paper goods, and gave them $200 monthly and bought school clothes. My own parents have never helped out. It was hard to get them to even come visit their grandkids when they were born. However, now they're aging they expect me to be their caregivers, maid, therapist, etc while raising my two youngest girls who are disabled. When I learned my mother was faking Alzheimer's and was exaggerating her COPD, and my dad wanted me to pretend to be his girlfriend and stole $16,000 from my kids and me - I decided to drop them. I ended up having to install a security system as my dad became threatening. I gave up years of paid employment, family time and sanity. It's SO hard not having family help - but I'm blessed to have had an amazing husband for the past 25 years, and my kids are super awesome.
Assess men based off of if they actually want to provide and do not mother them because you need to be able to mother your children not mother a grown boy avoiding manhood.
I appreciate your perspective. I desire to stay home with my children whenever God gives them to me. What happens if every woman stays home in America?
If you want to be present with your kids, don’t you have to do all house chores, meal prep and shopping when they’re sleeping or at school? Therefore how can you work during that time? It seems impossible to me.
Not sure how to apply your advice to my own life. I'm building a career I can easily combine with family and have a great husband who is also a steady breadwinner. However, living close to family is a no-go for us (they live in a large city and that's just not the lifestyle we want), plus my parents arent great with kids and can't really look after them for more than 3-4 hours. His parents live in the country but don't want to help out.
I don't have a question, or even a legitimate comment, but I thought I'd game the YT algorithm a bit. Also, it's going a bit far to say that we "don't care about" seeing you. It's true that your audio podcast is entirely satisfactory. However, I have a Y chromosome, and I'd like to state, for the record, that seeing you is quite pleasant. 'Nuf said.
Great advice! I’m 27 and we are currently trying to conceive. I pursued contractual work, which is unusual in my field, but it will allow me to subcontract once I do have my baby(ies) so someone can work for me, and I can still take home some of the pay and maintain my professional relationships.
