4 signs of emotional abuse - Viann Nguyen-Feng 

And it annoys me when people tell you to try to re-connect with family members who continually hurt you. What do they know about the situation? Does being related mean we have to tolerate toxic relationships?

@@robertdesantis6205 they are called enablers

@@robertdesantis6205 amen, bro. You're not obligated to maintain relationships if they're nothing but toxic.

Remember truth: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-AgXPYQk9zgE.html

@@robertdesantis6205 you don't have to tolerate people who hurt you. Blood relation means nothing if they can't treat you with kindness

💯

Honestly I was just thinking of this then I happened upon the video🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

Exactly, it’s these moments of kindness that I find myself gaslighting myself about the abuse.

Its exactly because of these moments that make the victim question his own sense of judgement tho

@@quickgirl80 same

Very true. I'm struggling with this right now.

Reassurance is exactly what I'm looking for because I think I may be over exaggerating 😔

@@NADIA-et2wc Exaggerating to whom? Everybody has different sensitivities. What bothers me may not bother someone and what acutely bothers them is maybe nothing to me. You're most probably given impetus from your partner to feel the way you feel. Sometimes we need to stick to our guns when it comes to our feelings

Ditto.

​@@katekeeler4887 Please see a therapist if you're still struggling with it please. Even though that's in the past now please see a therapist.

It's also such an important step to take in order to identify any problematic behavioral problems we picked up as a result of our emotional abuse -- otherwise, we leave ourselves prone to perpetuating the same emotional abuse onto someone else in the future.

Remember: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-AgXPYQk9zgE.html

Hi,I’m a girl from Afghanistan,Taliban killed my family and now I’m making videos about Taliban rules and human rights here to inform people about our situation,and also i with my sister are taking care of 7kids who became homeless because Taliban killed their family too,before Taliban came here i had a job i made a lot of embroidery and sell them to tourists but now no one travel here anymore,so I decided to sell them to foreigners with selling them online….please give me a chance to tell my story

It's also really helpful to people who are emotional abusers themselves! Altough we (fairly) harbor negative feelings towards those who hurt us, manipulative people often do not even realize how they are and why they need to change and grow so they can have better relations in the future

@Seven Inches of Throbbing Pink Jesus shut up

Can verify. The two abusers I've encountered in the workplace have both been female.

While I don't think they forgot about it, I do agree that not adding this fact in can create misconceptions or misunderstanding about the situation.

Be sure to be alert when people say that they have a "BIG PERSONALITY". that's a red flag for sure.

Abusers can be any gender

It happens in most of the Indian 👪families

This is me man.. I can't communicate well at all. I have autism and ADD so it's always an inward battle, mostly taking hours to think about and process in my head, but on the outside looks like I'm just ignoring everyone.. Hmm 💭

Hi,I’m a girl from Afghanistan,Taliban killed my family and now I’m making videos about Taliban rules and human rights here to inform people about our situation,and also i with my sister are taking care of 7kids who became homeless because Taliban killed their family too,before Taliban came here i had a job i made a lot of embroidery and sell them to tourists but now no one travel here anymore,so I decided to sell them to foreigners with selling them online….please give me a chance to tell my story

Thanks for sharing this! I've had people tell me that they needed "time to prepare" for difficult conversations, but never took responsibility or accepted accountability, as you are, so they were basically asking me to do their emotional work for them and be quiet until *they* were ready. They very likely hoped I would "calm down", aka they didn't like outward emotions because they... basically didn't have them.

@@Talibland , damn do afgans have internet connection ????

my girlfriend does this, but then doesn’t ever follow up.

agreed

And themselves

yes!

please tell us your story (if you can)

Yeah, I felt like this video could have touched on how those who have been abused their whole lives can engage in some of these behaviors in self-defense. It may be dysfunctional self-defense, but if it's all you know, it's all you know. Looking at a bad relationship from the outside, it's often very hard to tell who is the abused and who is the abuser. I've seen counselors get this very wrong. In my experience, the person most willing to admit to wrongdoing gets labeled as the problem, while the less honest party is probably the much more toxic partner outside the counseling office.

Hi,I’m a girl from Afghanistan,Taliban killed my family and now I’m making videos about Taliban rules and human rights here to inform people about our situation,and also i with my sister are taking care of 7kids who became homeless because Taliban killed their family too,before Taliban came here i had a job i made a lot of embroidery and sell them to tourists but now no one travel here anymore,so I decided to sell them to foreigners with selling them online….please give me a chance to tell my story

Hi,I’m a girl from Afghanistan,Taliban killed my family and now I’m making videos about Taliban rules and human rights here to inform people about our situation,and also i with my sister are taking care of 7kids who became homeless because Taliban killed their family too,before Taliban came here i had a job i made a lot of embroidery and sell them to tourists but now no one travel here anymore,so I decided to sell them to foreigners with selling them online….please give me a chance to tell my story

You should practice Vipassana method. It can be positive effective to our mind and thought. By focusing on the present moment, people can live fully and be happy.

@KichiTahoh My parents are also from vietnam and immigrated in Europe. I know what they have gone trough. My grandma left my mom for another man, who she fell in love with. My father lost his mother to cancer at 10 and also went to war and was neglected. So my mom only got pregnant because my father wanted to have children and if she isn’t going to give him a child he would divorce her. The reason why my dad wanted to have children was because society told him to and he really cares about his image. So after my mom gave birth to me my dad still cheated on her but stay because of the children. Vietnamese culture tell wife to condone the husband’s cheating. He only wanted to have children for the sake of having children and neglected us and was never home. His absence was driving my mom crazy and she let her anger and resentment out on me. She used to hit me but mostly she yell, insult, and invalidates me. She never loved me actually that what she told me and when I misbehaved she threatened to abandoned me. So I always try hard in school but I have difficulties in learning. I endure it for years I try to transfer to an easier school. But they didn’t want me to because they are embarrassed that their daughter isn’t smart enough to keep up. I am so burned out but they don’t care, I habe to live up their expectations and I cant hold it out anymore. I have avoidant personality disorder and childhood depression but they really don’t care. When I talked to the school about it they told me that my parents love me . I felt so helpless and lonely. But still I am going to survive this because now I’m 18 and i even survived it in childhood and I know that life can be actually beautiful. I hope you can have a beautiful life no matter what. I just wanted to share my thoughts because in real life when I opened up people just put me aside. Wish you the best

@@linivy578 oh my gosh sweetheart, I'm so sorry you have to go through all that... 🥺🥺 I hope things get better for you. Sending love, happiness and support to you babe! ❤❤❤

I’m so sorry. My father fought in that war years ago and he had mental trauma from it as well.

@@WashingtonDC20032 I actually met a man who fought in the Vietnam War when I was hospitalized last summer. He was so sweet albeit very eccentric (he may have had a drug problem and develop brain injuries, I'm not sure), but he was clearly homeless or was, as he tried to teach me the concept of 'free stuff' (squatting in abandoned buildings, literally stealing abandoned cars). But I will never forget the one day we were all having art therapy, he was recalling his time fighting during the Vietnam war. He spoke about how nearly lost his ear to the Vietcong and a few other stuff as if we were children listening, but when he began describing the horror he saw of the deaths of the women and children it completely broke him. It was the one and only time I've ever seen him break down and cry. And it completely broke my heart and shook me to my very core. He also drew me something during my stay there and I made sure to take it home with me when I was discharged. I plan to frame it to his liking (we discussed how he wanted it to be framed and he mentioned golden oak). Unfortunately, I don't know where he is now, and I hope he will be okay, but I will never forget him.

@@linivy578 I am sorry to hear you had to go through with any of that, no deserves any of that. I myself have borderline personality disorder and C-PTSD (among various other junk), and it's been horrible trying to navigate life and social settings being so mentally ill. As a 30 year old I feel like my 'prime' has effectively ended as I can no longer consider my dream jobs even if I wanted to (I'm easily prone to being overwhelmed when even barely overworked and have very poor motivation control, so it's very easy for me to burnout). I hope you can get the healing and grow to be better for you and no one else. You deserve kindness and unconditional love, and if they couldn't give you it, I hope you can give you it. Because you deserve to heal and be loved.

It hurts till the point of pain. I am fighting between my brain and heart everyday though it's been a year already

This hit.

ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-NQQeN_AcvqE.htmlsi=RHQPUencC8toPMOQ

The most interesting one I've personally seen recently, was someone using accusations of emotional abuse and gaslighting as a form of gaslighting. Was very distressing to the person who was actually being abused because they've been abused before and started to question all of their actions towards him (the one accusing and doing the abuse). Only with assurances from literally everyone else in their life that they have been nothing but kind to him did they start to come out of the fog. Scary what abuses are using as control tactics now.

This is exactly what I’m going through.

You misunderstood. Being unsociable isn't the problem here. Imagine like, you have a problem with your partner, like maybe they refuse to do chores around the house, but whenever you try to bring it up they either stonewall you, dismiss your problem or refuse to listen, that's the silent treatment. In a healthy relationship, both parties would talk and work together to resolve said problem.

@@noodleexpanding3407 I see! Thanks for explaining it to me fam!

An example I've lived of silent treatment is someone i lived with refusing to talk to me for three days straight. Even calling their name wouldn't work because they would pretend not to hear me. Don't worry, not socializing is not considered silent treatment

The silent treatment is also something people who are being abused will do. When I was constantly guilted into 'discussions' that had no end and turned into a word salad and verbal abuse, I started to distance myself and not engage. They then accused me of making them uncomfortable and 'abusing' them.

@@lilitt14 That doesn't seem silent treatment and abuse from your part. That's you reinforcing boundaries in order to protect yourself. I think you should completely disengage. You are being abused. Guilt tripping is abuse (being guilted into doing something, anything you clearly don't want to do= That's abuse). Then you mention verbal abuse. Then you mention being accused of being abusive. That's also a form of abuse, when the abuser tries to move the focus on you and accuse you=gaslighting. You're not abusive, you are abused.

You understand your situation already. You only need to validate it trough another videos, books, or even discussion with therapist. Now, you are just unsure. I could say this, because I never knew that the root problem of my depression was the thing that I already knew. I was just unsure before. But my therapist reconnect all of that. I was just like you before. As Asian, that is the culture. Fortunately, I found some deep friends whom I could talk about this topic, and much more shallow minded person on this topic, who looked down on my experienced. I gamble on people to find that deep thinker friends. I hope you'll find that kind of friend too

You just described my entire problem

If Im in your life and when you share this kinda information with me I can easily manuplate by targeting your vulnerable situation . Since your not in my life I missed this opportunity. 😞😞😞 I'm sure you have siblings

Hey, I've gone through the same problem, with some variants of course. But my overall happiness increased as soon as I cut relationship with my mother entirely. Its been almost three years now, but I left as soon as I could afford to live on my own.. maybe you could do the same, be well

This is exactly how I was always made to feel. Like a burden and a huge source of stress but looking back I was the most quiet kid. She still denies it to this day and is so hostile if I try to discuss it. I told her once at the age of 8 when she wasn't home (I was a latch key kid) I saw some men with a gun were arguing outside my window and I was so terrified I hid under (I said under but crouched in front of it actually) the refrigerator for hours. All she could say was, "oh I didnt know a child could fit under a refrigerator, whats the problem you were safe inside". At 20-something I badly needed to borrow money which is the reason I called and at some pint I choked up and cried a little, at such a low point after a breakup and being at the point of destitution. In response she got so uncomfortable and told me not to cry. Then proceeded to tell me I should have picked the career she wanted me to pick. It made me realize it was a whole lifetime of invalidation from her and I want to send you a big hug because I know how bad it hurts.

So sad. I feel u on this. I wish I was physically abused which is really sad, just so that people would support me. But they won’t. They won’t ever support us and we have to accept that. We have to just leave and give ourselves the closure.

Same. When I found myself wishing my husband of 11 years would punch me in the face, I knew something was very wrong. I wanted something “concrete” to report to others, since explaining emotional abuse is so difficult because the abuser is never the same person in public as he/she is at home.

Yeah I’ve had trouble making eye contact with people my whole life

VERY good pont. Glad someone said it

Especially as autistic people are much more likely to be abused

I take "refusal to make eye contact" differently than *difficulty* making eye contact. The attitude is very very different. As someone who has dealt with emotional abuse from the first, it's usually dismissive and goes like this: They walk out of the room while I'm telling them how hurt I am. They say "ohhhh are you going to CRY about it?" which may make me cry and I'll say "why are you being so mean? Please, lets talk about this?" Then they'll groan and lay down and ignore me. I'll beg them to look at me and listen to me and they'll be like "I AM listening" while staring at the ceiling spacing out and zoning me out. So yes, refusal to make eye contact can be very abusive. That being said, difficulty making eye contact is very very different and someone who is genuinely having a hard time will not come off as abusive in my opinion

Agreed. It is usually like a very intentional dismissal. Like a walk out of the room or a change of topic to something less serious.

I am sary to hear that.😟

YES! I can totally relate to that. I was always like, "Well he's never hit me or pushed me down the stairs. So it's not clear-cut abuse." After getting out of the situation because I was unhappy I started looking back and being like, "Wait, a minute. Such-and-such was super manipulative." "Wait, he really shouldn't have...." and it finally dawned on me that it was an emotionally abusive relationship. I never would have said that while I was in it, though. It's hard to see when you're in it!

​@@jennhoff03 You are the only one who said this truth. It's the very thing that makes emotional abuse terrible.

"YoU arE sO sEnsiTivE''

Just live with the voices in ur mind, they can help plan ahead of fools that would cause harm mental or otherwise. Why give money if u have no money to give? If pple are going to be repetitive when u try to say/explain something, ignore them, they have no mindset to listen or trust ur words. Ignore the ones who ignore u & just plan within ur plans to make a lie & keep going till u have everything in ur web of lies

👍👍

my dad is exactly like this

And some people who feel they are abused only feel that way cause other people tell and make a big deal out of things that arent that big of a deal and will label themselves as abused in order to abuse someone else.

@@lampad4549 I mean the victim mentality is often adopted by abusers as an excuse for their abusive behavior, that much is true, but "you are making a bigger deal of this than it actually is" is also a tactic used by both abusers and enablers to gaslight the abused into thinking the abuse is ok or atleast minimize how bad it is. So "it isn't that big of a deal" is language that should be avoided when talking about abuse because an emotionally abusive person is never going to stop playing the victim no matter what you tell them, but many people who are being emotionally abused are actually looking for ways to justify the relationship to themselves and liable to latch onto "oh it's not that big of a deal" and then stay in that abusive relationship for longer than they would have if they did not hear that language.

My autistic ex was exactly like that. He had no concept of how his horrible behavior negatively affected everyone around him. And was very resistant to hearing that his behavior was harmful. He instead blamed everyone else

I've got abused by my older brother mentally and physically, and I'm surprised how close this video's is to my brother, but unfortunately I've not recovered yet and a proof of that is that i do some of these things to my younger brother even though i promised my self to not let anyone close to me to experience the trauma that I've experienced. I need help.

It's great that you're doing better now, and you're not wrong for cutting off your father if you had a toxic relationship

@@barakat4503 I act almost like my parents toward my younger siblings, and they do the same too. I want to change, but change within the whole family is impossible because of our bad communication. I ever tried, but when they behave like our parent, I could no longer keep my promise. While I know for sure, I act really different when I'm around family and when I'm with friends. I was almost totally a whole different person. I like to talk deeply with my friends. That side of me, I could never bring up when around my family

@@behuman3811 you're not alone, all of us treated different people differently and it's completely ok, every person have a diffrent personality and if you want to have a relationship with him you need to act the way it suits him the most. I hate to say it but you will never change your behaviour with your family unless your parents change wich is very unlikely for adults to change completely. but if you ever started a family on your own always remember the things your parents did with you that you hated and try to not do the same to your children so you can brake the cursed chain.

I can relate that. The best way I found is to be as nice to people as I can be. Always paying attention to my thoughts.

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!

Yes, dr.sporessss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.

Is he on instagram?

Yes he is. dr.sporessss

About avoiding the household chores or exercise total control of family finances are true, I just realised that

Just remember when dealing with your brothers:, there's criticism and there's constructive criticism. And also it's fine to tell someone that something they have *done* is wrong, but never fine to tell someone *they* are wrong. Criticism is a part of life and it can hurt, but if it's grounded in a real problem and follows the rules of respect and trying to improve something then it is absolutely necessary.

I grew up in a very similar situation. Although the abuser was my mother, I was often critical of my younger brothers without realizing. I'm still not sure why, although I think deep down it had something to do with wanting to please my mother by emulating her, or not knowing that my brothers were being judged unfairly because I hadn't been taught any other way. They suffered more abuse than I did, and every problem was blamed on them, so it was hard for them to break out of that mould themselves. My point is, it can take time to learn how to treat people differently when you were taught by a bad example. It's especially hard if your father is expecting you to treat your brothers harshly. But my best advice would be to not only try and give your brothers some slack, but be patient with yourself too as you try to improve your relationship with them. It's really hard to break out of an abusive mould, especially if you still live with your father, but you've already grown so much just recognizing that the situation you and your siblings are in is not okay. Also, try to approach your brothers privately and be especially kind to them when your father isn't around. They will appreciate your efforts, even if you wish you could do more. If you need to talk or need some resources to help you survive this situation while you still have to live in it, let me know. I promise I won't judge you.

@@radicalpaddyo Depends on the context of the situation whether it's fine to tell someone they have done wrong. If someone is doing something that doesn't hurt you or others, mind your business or ask questions rather than pass judgement. How we perceive a situation may not be all of the information, so essentially "judging" someone's behavior as "wrong" may be a you problem, not a them problem. For example, we skipped on Christmas last year with the family to do our own thing. My partner's sister thought we shouldn't have done that and told us so. It's not her business and we weren't wrong in our decision; she just didn't agree with it. I have 4 siblings. Never in my life would I ever try to tell them they were making bad choices over something that ultimately doesn't affect me.

@@starsaur6664 thnx for sharing your experience i think i criticize my brothers harshly because of my assumptions about my father, he is an alcoholic narcissist and a very good actor he becomes a nice soft boy in front of our relatives and his friends and turns into a demon when they go everyone likes him nobody ever tells him to stop drinking or find a job that is why i just point out the things people do wrong thinking it would ultimately be good for them i was always an obedient son so always did what he said and this very fact is the most painful when i think about how he has been treating me i was the topper in my college for the first two semesters when the third semester started i asked for money for books he gathered our relatives and started telling that he is now old (he was 38 then) he cant work and pay for his expenses rather he should be working and supporting me all the relatives agreed i was getting bullied in the college too for being a lower cast ( casts are an indian thing) i thought i will work as construction labor so i went to my uncles they are small contractors i asked for work but no one gave me work becoz i dont look physically strong all of this made me depressed i was having trust issues because everyone seemed to be betraying me i lost interest in everything thinkin that i am a lower cast boy even if i become educated get a good job i am never gonna be respected i felt that excellence has no value i was thinking about killing myself everyday i went on for three years people in india think depression is not real but i think it is then during the covid lockdown an indian actor committed suicide and.. what indian media out of his death made me realize that even death is not the end of misery so i thought of trying to come back to life i am learning game development from internet so many people (they are gods actually) are teaching in on youtube for free also epic games is giving so many assets for free so i dont have to worry about the art but i can focus on programming which is my strength since few days tho i was feeling very demotivated thinking even if i make a game will it even change anything i have no money for marketing so maybe no one ever plays it i dont have a college degree or formal education so i dont think i will get any job for making a game but when i am writing this i think i should complete it XD without worrying about the outcomes thanks a lot for letting me just say i feels so good after writing this i have no one to talk about this so thank you stranger :) and i will be careful while criticizing anyone because i dont want to hurt anybody like father

That's the first step

There's nothing wrong with you and you will heal and meet better people in life because you deserve it. Don't you ever give up on yourself I'm rooting for you

@Seven Inches of Throbbing Pink Jesus damn that was more graphic than it needed to be. Hope you are feeling lighter after sharing it.

I'm good guys I wouldn't do that add me up if u want?

I feel you🙌🏾🙌🏾

all parents are in a different proportion, emotional abusive. With no exception. Whom is saying otherwise is also a narcissist.

With respect to what you said about the Vietnamese, it could also probably attribute to having a collectivist culture, as in the case of most South and South-East Asian countries. Coming from an Indian that was culturally taught my mom is always right.

@@damunaik4 Yes, you're completely right about this as well. At least in Vietnam, social and family structures have strict hierarchies and power dynamics that sometimes don't allow for the kind of boundaries and emotional space necessary for healthy relationships. It's also worth mentioning that the cultural displacement inherent in diaspora (as in the case of many Vietnamese immigrants) may also contribute to, or compound, tendencies for abusive relationships. I appreciate the insight on your own experience, and the point you mentioned about your mom is not unrecognizable in our culture. Not sure if you are going through challenges, but if you are, I hope you've been able to heal, and know that things do get better as you find healthy ways to deal with them.

I'm not Vietnamese but I also felt this.

War is brutal. It creates traumas buried deep in families that are never talked about. I had a Croatian friend whose family moved to the US because of the Yugoslavian war and her family was the same as yours and mine.

Hi,I’m a girl from Afghanistan,Taliban killed my family and now I’m making videos about Taliban rules and human rights here to inform people about our situation,and also i with my sister are taking care of 7kids who became homeless because Taliban killed their family too,before Taliban came here i had a job i made a lot of embroidery and sell them to tourists but now no one travel here anymore,so I decided to sell them to foreigners with selling them online….please give me a chance to tell my story

No matter what and whom we sould never be happy about anyone's death. You can just give no reaction but please don't disrespect someone like that. I do not want to bring relegion in this conversation. But please don't feel happy about pain and end of someone's life no matter the circumstances, that is a useful way to prevent yourself from doing same things as they did. May she rest in peace and I hope you can understand what I am saying. I am not trying to be mean or rude to you I can understand the situation. And accomplish your dreams, don't let anyone stop you. My regards to you. I don't know who you are or from where but I wish you a great luck towards your future with kindness. Don't feel bad for the mistakes of anyone's of they have realized it, it means they have improved from the past self. Stay happy and seek help from your trustworthy people if needed. Have a great life and be great.

You were a victim, but you’re also a survivor. A good therapist can help you find tools to overcome your pain. I don’t know what your situation is, but there are counselors online worldwide. If you don’t connect with one, try another. If you have mental health resource hotlines please call!

I am so sorry that this happened to you 😣 may you find healing and peace

I am so sorry for all you have been put through and suffered. I understand being Asian and had this abusive relationship with my so called mother. I found peace when I cut her and toxic family out of my life. You deserve much much better. You can give yourself that. You do not have to forgive someone who hurt you repeatedly and shows no remorse. Focus on yourself and the beautiful life you can and will have. Please read books on Complex Trauma. There are others I have that have helped that help you understand as I graduated in Social Work. If it was up to my mother I would not be alive but I made it out alive barely at 15 and I'm living now. You can do it ❤️

For me it was my father :')

@@aprilrahee what did he do?

I cried, too.

Find a counselor or therapist to work through why you feel the need to act and speak as you do, and how to change it. Often, abusers are trying to control to minimize discomfort or chaos (external, internal). With patience and work, you can create an environment that allows you both to breathe and build each other up rather than feel defeated all the time.

im glad you recognised it. good luck on your self improvement journey

Great answer.

Hmmm😔

Did you beat him up for that?

@@mclegomods6402 No, but cut him out of every aspect of my life.

@@michealsmith4629 Meh, you are nowhere near Doomguy-level badass.

You are brave that you acknowledge this. I hope you won't do it intentionally.

And more

EMOTIONAL DAMAGE

I hear you. 👊🤗

I agree many abusers have NPD but I think it’s important to clarify that not every abuser is a narcissist.