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Ive always said that a good person doesnt need to remind people that theyre a good person. So when someone does something for you and you decline to do something for them later down the line, do not let them guilt trip you by reminding you what they did for you. Doing a good deed out of the kindness of your heart wouldnt be used as manipulation to get your way whenever you want.
From my experience, people get fatigued when you give them little reason to continue to be good to you. Good and bad is not as binary as black and white. I'm not suggesting your comment would state such a thing but, I've been through a lot of terrible things in my life and I said some terrible things in the past to a lot of people I care about. The first step to becoming one of those "Good" people is not necessarily doing things for others. It starts with recognizing your own shortcomings and trying to make up for them. Embrace family and friends, even if sometimes you'll want to kill them. Today was actually a very strange occurrence in my life. It made me look at how many people actually do care about me. If you're experience with someone is that they are a good person to you, what you've experienced is all that matters. Some people can be a wolf in sheep's clothing but I'm pretty sure in time, it's not hard to weed them out. Don't ever let people gaslight you, don't let them back you into a corner, and never let somebody influence your decisions in life. Take their advice but find a way to make it work for yourself. If somebody does something good for you and expects something in return it's not always because they're inherently a bad person, it's because that behavior was taught to them and it's something they have to unlearn. Sorry for the rambling. Hope it made some sense at least. Have a good night.
@@ΚώσταςΠαπαγιάννης-ν9τSome will do you a favor that is trivial to them and later request a favor that is much less trivial to you. I've had a friend like this who'd demand something outrageous, over doing something trivial for me prior. He would also conveniently forget about all the favours I had done for him.
@MorgueInTheVoid I think this is well said. While we should be willing to do nice things for other people, I think it's important to avoid people who are all about "give and take". These are the type of people who only do nice things because they want something in return and that's the kind of person we want to avoid.
I came here to see how much of my younger self I recognized, and found I not only did I recognize myself; but a lot of the people from my social circle at the time. For a good while, I lived in an echo chamber of "nice guys finish last".
Knowing that this video is created for educational purpose, I keep reminding myself to take a step back for some signs. Being an avoidant/sometimes anxious attachment style person, the defensive mechanism sometimes get confused when watching these videos. Setting boundaries and learning to recognize my true needs is my practice everyday. Hope to build trust for I deserve to be loved with the understanding that not everyone has good intention to love others.
It's great to see you actively working on self-awareness and setting boundaries. Recognizing your attachment style and practicing self-love and self-care are important steps. Keep focusing on your personal growth! Have you found any strategies that particularly help you in this journey?
I'm usually quite careful with how I talk to others because I've learned that it doesn't matter what I mean; it's how they feel about what I say to them. I genuinely want to get along with everyone I interact with
This video made me realize that I’m the seemingly nice person and that I use people as a mean of validation that I am not crazy and that others understand how I feel. I genuinely enjoy being around people but I’ve learned that the expectations I have from any relationship or friendship is to be seen and understood. Now I’m a bit better with that and I am more ok with acting myself with others but still the expectations are there and so are the fears of being in the wrong
See searching for validation is not a bad thing... Don't underrate yourself.... Psychology is all about human mind, behavior, character & so on. So, don't think so... If you can love people care for them... It's enough... You are so nice👍😊 don't worry be happy 👍🙂
@@Psych2go when I set boundaries and held her accountable when she wasn’t being fair with me, she disappeared without paying what she owed me and unfriended me on all social media platforms.
When you meet someone the first time and you can feel that something is not right or off, it’s not a they are annoying, creepy, or weird type of thing rather it’s like you just know without even having to expose yourself to them. It’s rare and I have no way to prove it but you’re instincts are not something to totally ignore.
Probably a well-tuned survival instinct. Similar to the ability to detect when someone is staring at you before you turn and catch 'em. And when you do, you can feel assured that those instincts are in good working order. ~TD, Boston
The last person I was in love with sadly, was a lot like this.... We stop talking to each other because of her own fault, but at the end, I hope it was for the best... I still miss her a lot sadly :(
timestamps: 0:00 - Intro 0:40 - excessive flattery 1:44 - frequent boundary testing 2:22 - over emphasis on control 3:04 - inconsistent vehavior 4:17 - outro Great video Psych2Go team!
Huge red flag for a wolf in sheep's clothing: They have multiple friend groups that do not connect with one another. It is easier to manipulate and control a small crowd rather than a big group. As well, the wolf will make fun of friend groups with other friend groups. It makes the wolf feel superior that they can decide the flaws of others by using their other groups as echo chambers.
This is a good one! You've highlighted an important red flag to watch out for. People who maintain separate friend groups and use them to manipulate and control situations can be concerning. It's essential to be aware of such behavior and maintain healthy boundaries. Trust your instincts and ensure that your relationships are built on sincerity and trust. Have you encountered such a situation personally, or is there anything else you'd like to discuss regarding this?
Yes I find people who do this type of thing often repeat the cycle with every group eventually. The group being bad mouthed often is blind sided by this behavior even if they participated in it often when defending the wolf in sheep's skin. They create echo chambers of their criticism that they, in the end, can't control. Instead of coming clean, they often abandon or vilify the other groups and start the process again.
I wouldn't say having multiple friend groups is bad, it's how you act about them or treat the other people. Like if someone does everything in their power to keep them from meeting then that's an issue, a major issue, or puts one down in favor of the other for no reason. People will make more friends as life goes on, and they'll become included in many different circles and sometimes, these circles just never intercept each other
Having dealt with many situations involting these types of people, I kind of became a lone wolf. I find it extremely difficult to trust others. It took me over 10 years to finally find a circle in which I actually felt appreciated and not used for others' gain. Ive dealt with a managers who stabbed me in the back after being extremely nice, I dealt with friendships that were not genuine, thus creating me a lot of confusion. I have a very hard time meeting people, not to mention approaching women.
I had a housemate who was just like what is discussed in this video. I met her when I went back to college to study for my Diploma. One test she used was to obtain agreements to small favours (from myself and others) "accidentally forgetting" pertinent details that put a different complexion upon her request. Usually one would only discover the omission after the fact and after you have actually delivered upon your end of the agreement. If the omission was discovered, she would get very garrulous, filling the air with awkward, vague, meandering apologies acting as if she was SO dreadfully embarrassed. The reality (i put together over time) was that she used these awkward apologies to gloss over any harm done, whilst wearing one out and blocking one from thinking the omission through so as to identify that but for the omission, you'd likely not have agreed to her request.
I found that the best way to live a peaceful life is to shield yourself from all forms of potential manipulation - from flattery to insults to everything in between.
Another sign to keep an eye out for is how much they build themselves up to be such a great, kind, or forgivable person. Especially in a work setting. They may seem like they're just explaining what they've been through, but will use their "greatness" to put you down subtly but harshly without you realizing it until it may be too late.
Timestamps 1). Excessive flattery 0:40 2). Conditional generosity 1:11 3). Frequent boundary testing 1:44 4). Over emphasis on control 2:22 5). Inconsistent behaviour 3:03 Hope this helps you out. Hope you have a nice day. Sorry this is so late. 💙💙💙💙💙💙
Nobody is just nice; we are all a mixed bag. I don't think it's Bad Intentions, it's generally caused by a lack of self-esteem, self-respect, lack of confidence, shyness, and lack of social skills. Above all, niceness it's just a strategy we all use to get people to like us and get what we want from them. I prefer niceness even if it's not genuine over “jerks”, cruel, or mean and difficult people. No one is purely altruistic, no act of sharing, helping, or sacrificing can be truly altruistic, as the actor receives an intrinsic reward in the form of personal gratification.
I disagree, being self-serving through lies at the expense of others is anti-social behavior. Many people don't pretend to get "people to like us and get us what we want from them" and are genuinely kind, compassionate, and empathetic. If you're pretending to get what you want out of others that's just manipulation. It may stem from "self-esteem, confidence, etc" but that just shows you need mental health and emotional healing. The other person involved in dynamics with such people is deceived and at a loss. They would have made different decisions if the other party was honest, that's why the manipulator lies.
I...hope I am being genuine. I excessively compliment as an act of fawning, something I'm working on with my therapist. As for the last one, I am now very much overthinking everything as while I'll express things bothering me about a particular person, I still can't help but show them kindness while also being honest with them about things that bothering me, as I believe in communication first and foremost. But, now I'm feeling like a jerk. Blegh. Still really love your channel, of course. Hope everybody is doing okay.
I was raised in a hateful family, and I had to get away from them, I do a lot of these things without even realizing it but I don't have any ulterior motives, I just like being nice to people... It feels better than being mean.
Being genuine is hard but it’s the key to a happier life, trust me Plus, people tend to trust/like you more Because communication is essential in any sort of relationship!
I'd like to add compaining that "nice guys/girls finish last". This usually comes out when the expected favor isn't returned, and the person in question is showing their true colors.
Wow, that must've been a tough decision. But sometimes, it's necessary to cut off people in order to save yourself. How has your mental health been since then?
This channel is awesome!! Especially this video..one thing i would like to add is...fake friends only talk to you if they need something. Otherwise with other people they may or may not have fun..but they just USE you. So remember: a friend in need isnt always a friend indeed. Beware and take care ❤
If you’re someone who finds yourself containing a lot of the attributes described in this video, what tips do you have to train yourself to be a better, nicer person?
Understand that that you should only be nice if you genuinely want to be. Not to make people like you or to get something in return. Be direct with your intentions and honest with your opinions. And say why you believe what you believe.
The fact that you're self-aware about it is a huge step already :) After all, it's all about self-awareness. Take a step back and reflect on your actions and intentions. Try to understand where you might be falling short and make a conscious effort to be more empathetic, patient, and a better listener. We all make mistakes, but the key is to learn from them and keep growing. What's one small change you think you can start with?
Great video. The artwork, calm voice, and music give a positive mood for a potentially triggering subject. When someone talks about other people in the family to me and elevates themselves, that is generally a red flag for me. I am guarded with what I say to them after that.
I realized that with some of the warning signs that were presented in the video, i used to do some of those things back in the past, and I realized that it was completely bad for not only for myself, but for the people I’ve treated in the past. I’m just glad that I’m at least different than what I was now.
I used to hang out with a guy who did a lot of boundary testing and frequently reminded us of things he “did for us,” which were usually invitations that we accepted. He really flipped out on another friend when we were on the plane together for a trip. I was really uncomfortable then, and more so when he started “teasing” me about not letting me in the hotel room and suddenly being comfortable to say inappropriate words to us. I stood up for myself regardless, and it was ultimately a fun and memorable trip, but I stopped hanging out with him shortly after.
It sounds like you made a wise decision by distancing yourself from that person. It's essential to maintain healthy boundaries and surround yourself with individuals who respect and treat you well. Standing up for yourself was a brave and important step. Have you found more positive and supportive friends since then?
Something I found interesting while watching this, although these are all very valid signs of somebody who can be toxic and negatively effect your life I think the context that they are most likely that way because of things they’ve experienced in their life and demons they’re going through adds a level of empathy that I personally feel like we could do with more of. I’m sure there are genuinely just awful people out there but more often than not people are suffering their own challenges and unfortunately affecting others negatively in the process. I think although this video doesn’t really villainize or put down people suffering from these challenges it doesn’t go out of its way to add context either. These people deserve empathy just as much as anyone even and I think channeled in the right way you can not only help those being affected by these behaviors but those carrying them out as well
There's a time for empathy but there's a time to hold people accountable for their actions especially if it's causing harm to others. Showing empathy to people in the wrong only enables their behaviour further. What you feel is a loving act, is a disservice for them to learn from the consequences of their actions.
I do excessive flattery but it's with good intentions :(( i just get really excited when someone dresses in styles i like, and i usually like to bring people up and try to make them feel more confident.. Is it bad? I get hated a lot by people who don't know me well and they say i'm being fake- I tried to be more quiet but once i'm with people i like i just get all happy and excited and i flatter them a lot. I just say everything positive that i'm thinking. I also feel bad saying no to people tho, i'm not sure if this means i'm a people pleaser or if i'm asking for validation? Maybe without realizing i'm toxic? That scares me a lot
Another thing I noticed is "nice" people don't have much patience for accidents. The quickest way to tell if someone is genuinely nice (in my experience) is seeing how they act when you make a honest mistake alone with them
That's a great observation. How someone reacts to your mistakes can reveal a lot about their true character. Genuine kindness often includes patience, understanding, and the willingness to forgive honest slip-ups. It's a valuable way to gauge someone's authenticity and their approach to relationships. Have you had a memorable experience where someone's reaction to your mistake showed their true colors, for better or worse?
Sometimes explaining this not really solve the problem. Just excessive a whole new sensation. We know people trying to be nice because they want something, it's supply and demand. The important thing is as long as they don't make you feel bad/ emotionally unstable, it's okay to get along with them.
What’s really sad about this is the fact my grandmother on my father’s side does all these things 😕 I had to cut her out of my life and had to call my local police on her multiple times
I wondered why nice people were so hated bc in this harsh world kindness, being supportive, trying not to be jugemental, elevate others is precious. Those people in the videos aren't fake nice. In my book they are just manipulative. To me being nice became being strong and somewhat selfless but I learned how to stay clear of people who might take advantage of it. Lastly I learned how to be kind to myself and protect my own boundaries. I'm still learning. So people confuse kindness and manipulation help. I'm grateful for the genuinely kind people. You're my inspiration
Been seeing the decline in content quality for a couple months now hope everything is ok. This was basically like “nice people dont exist, have people guess your boundaries, be skeptical if anyone seems genuine” like dude ive been in therapy long enough now to know: this is a great way to keep way too much of the anxiety im trying to get rid of lol
Dear genuine nice person, Yes this video felt like an attack to you because people will used this video to exploit you in a way that's pure evil. Stay away from them and people who don't trust actually nice people. Sincerely, An actually nice person
I tend to step on peoples toes because I can be socially blind when it comes to unspoken boundaries no one tells me about. So i get called "too much of a nice guy" So I use the word kind for myself if I need to describe what kinda person I am. Because being kind to people is a choice.
Thank you for the feedback! Do you like them being permanently on the screen? Is the font style, size ok for you? This is the new style that I'm testing out. - Cindy
Amazing video Psych2Go team! A topic I would appreciate if you covered would be the effects of short-form content on human minds. Thank you for making these videos for us!
its important to note that the vast majority of people are genuinely being nice. dont be paranoid that everyone who is being nice has secret bad intentions.
I wish I had these skills a few months ago. Been used and abused by "friends," work staff/bosses, and relatives. The moment I became worthless, I was cast into the garbage. My own dad thought I was a disgrace and insulted me behind my back. I found all of this out super recently and my confidence died. I can't recover. I don't deserve to. I just deserve pain. All I can do is be someone's puppet. The moment I show weakness, I'll prove my enemies right and disappoint the few people I have left. I am beyond worthless.
Conditional generosity with life experience is called "self-preservation". You must also set limits on your willingness to help, otherwise you will naturally surround yourself with freeloaders. This is the "Tic for tat" concept.
Thank you for sharing this topic with us. Each of your videos teaches something new, which I really love. However, I had a really hard time picking up what the soft voice of the lecturer was saying along with the sharp sounds of the instrumental music. For the future uploads could you please lower the background music and balance it with the voiceover so the voice stands out more? 🙏 TY
We’re taught to be helpful. Like treat people the way you would want to be treated. It only seems fair for the other to do the same or nothing is aligned . It’s like a one sided relationship
This cuts me deep. Im always gallant with my friends. I moved to a new place, and after a while of not having a social life, when I met new people and became their friend, I was so happy and I constantly treated them with kindness and gallantry, only to be put in a box, saying that Ive ulterior motives. :/😢
Best way to handle compliment or comment on what ‘a good guy’ you are is to say ‘thank you, I think it’s important to treat people well & do the right thing’. Acknowledge & qualify it
Oooh! I’ve been waiting for more content related to this topic! Please lend us more potentially necessary information as I’ve been subjected to the knife point of this behavior... figuratively & quite literally at times when it’s too late. As always Psych2go is good in informing a many others of signs needed to know during situations most staggering. Thank you! And always teach us good psychology knowledge with top tier quality animations to keep us distractible folk focused in on this rather crucial necessities called a keen eye.(?) [I don’t recall what word I was going for]
I can almost always spot a fake nice person now. But in the past I failed with people who would try to be childlike like I am, when that is not their own personality. So beware of people who seem to have your same unique traits when they are with you.
In my experience, the wolf in sheep’s clothing often seeks to isolate a person by seeming to be the “only one who truly understands and appreciates that person” and downgrades other people.
There's another sign I've noticed: you have an unexpected crummy feeling after interacting with them, like you've done something wrong. Especially if that feeling happens regularly with just that one person. Like the feeling of "this person is so nice, I need to be better so they're not disappointed in me" but the evil version of that.
Sounds like my first ever my childhood 'friend',except the flattery part is pretty much gone everyone loved her and she was deemed the most polite person in class when she actually talked crap about me behind my back and told other kids to stay away from me
3:07 I once met someone who was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Behind my back, they would often pretend to be concerned about me because I was not “talking to them” after going through a hard time. But the truth is, this person never made themselves available to me when I was at my lowest.
I will not stand for this Lucario slander. /hj Anyway, this is a very informative video that a lot of people should see. I've dealt with one or more people who fit everything mentioned in this video to a T (and even caught at least one of them talking behind my back). Identifying the red flags from these people can be difficult since they generally have you looking at them through rose-tinted glasses, which further helps them conceal their actual motives to control everyone around them. Now, I don't even speak to those people anymore.
My classroom is full of these kind of people. I had problems with them before but now I get well with them. Still, I'm very aware of the kind of people they are, so I always have a boundary with them yet I still act cordial and respectful.
I kinda feel I am like last one... Except on the spreading rumors thing, I Don't really want to do a lot of drama or make others think someone is bad as person.
This is exactly an ex-friend of mine. He looks so nice and charming, however he divorced twice and his first spouse ran away from home 🏃♀💨💨🏡 I'm not sure what he did behind the closed doors 🚪 but I went no contact with him completely 📵
My dog got hit by a car the vet told that if his not healed in 3 month i would need to euthenize him, evry night i hear his scream and i fell his misery i can’t stand it, i have no body to talk to i don’t know what to do and i’m currently on a depression that started around 6 month ago
I have a friend who was incredibly nice too me- But I later found I've been lied to this whole time..talked too behind my back, and started things that almost broke me and my best friend who I've had for four years.. apart.. They said they liked having attention and when they were trying to apologize, but only made it mostly about Them. They would blame me for, making everything about me, when most of the time I was the one who sat their listening.. they still have done more good than bad.. and I soon realized how she was treating me through these videos, I had always had the feeling when my four year friend and my new one had started talking bad things about me behind their backs.. I could feel it happening.. Once me and the four year friend told our sides to the story we found out that the new friend wasn't as good as they wanted to seem.. were cool now and they had made up for it but it still bothers me
They say I'm way too good for my own good. However that definitely isn't the case. We all have our own imperfections. We f*ck up, we say sorry, and the whole process starts again.
My younger sister always does things for me just so she gets a favor from me in return. She always tries to guilt-trip me but I just decline doing the favor, I just brush it off with a simple “no thank you, I have things I need to get done.” When I stay calm like this it annoys her so much. Pro tip for others in this situation. God, it took me forever to type this.
I know someone exactly like that and others who meet most of those signs. Another trait is that such people can be draining. If you have an encounter you leave feeling a little hurt, or like they sucked you empty, or like something isn't quite right. Also the feeling that you have to constantly watch your back, they want to catch you off guard. Like narcissists, they make you hyper alert to their every move and they are very observant of yours in case there is something they can use to manipulate you. This manipulation is sometimes simply about power. They don't necessarily have other motive but that of feeling in control or making others feel bad. I don't really understand it. Another sign is that they hoard personal information to more easily be able to control you/manipulate you, and oftentimes say or ask you questions, whether apologetically or not, that are too personal, make you vulnerable, or make you wonder why they'd want to know that. They always want to know more, but not for sincere reasons. Another thing I've noticed is that such people have strong changes of facial expressions, the change between happy to angry face can be sudden, back and forth. Or their smile may not match the expression in their eyes. Another thing related to facial expression that I noticed is that you will feel something is out of sync because they don't react naturally to your emotional state but instead seem to want to keep in control. So that if you are happy and smiley they may meet you with a forced severe face for no apparent reason. If their stern expression impacts you and therefore next time you don't smile at them, they either smile more or are annoyed that you ignore them and show again stern expression. Another kind of "inconsistent behaviour", perhaps to maintain a kind of unpredictability that is useful. It is a mystery to me to what extent such people have bad intentions and how they came to be that way. They don't necessarily wish that you fall dead or break a leg (I sometimes wonder...) but they also don't like it if you're happy and independent and *free*. Oh yes, I also wonder if they do a lot of these things unconsciously-it's as if they had an automatic pilot- and whether they lie to themselves or to what extent they know they do these things.
If You FEEL like You are doing the Right things for, around, or near Somebody else WITHOUT Questioning or Second-Guessing it, then You ARE Nice. Questioning it, or Noticing Patterns within One's Behaviors (Even with going so Far as to Exclude Their Words Entirely to see if They are Reliable or not Strictly Based off of Actions alone;) that are not, Never, or Rarely Consistent with Their Supposed Overarching 'Nice Guy' Persona with You or Others that You are Close to or Familiar with can Definitely Help You to Fish Out Those Who are Gaslighting You into Thinking that They are as Great as They seem to be. If Something just DOESN'T Feel, or Sit Right with You? You are not Wrong in Removing Them from Your Contacts & Connections. Trust Me; Toxic People Should Never stick around and Find out How to Hurt You if They haven't already. (Or How to Hurt You even MORE, in the Disappointing Case that They already have.) - Not a Therapist, but I have Friends & Family that are Phycologists and know a lot about this Stuff. ^^
علامات تحذيرية من اللطف الظاهري الذي يكون وراءه دوافع شائكة: 1) الإطراء أو المديح الزائد(لأن تملق بهدف السيطرة) 2) العطاء الكبير المشروط 3) التجاوز الدائم للحدود والصبر 4) السعي الدائم للتحكم كالقرارات بلا استشارة والتوجيهات الصغيرة الدائمة 5) التصرفات المتناقضة كالتأرجح بين اللطف وإثارة الشقاق من خلال الشائعات والتميمة ❤❤❤❤ انتبهوا لصحتكم النفسية🇵🇸💚
maybe this will help other people like me, trust your instincts and your gut about the consistency or lack thereof in a person's actions, even if you end up being wrong about the nature of WHY they are this way doesnt negate the fact that they are not treating you as you feel they should. its usually easy to cut people off if you do it discreetly so you probably have nothing to lose cutting off that dishonest and manipulative person
