5 Ways You Are Being Manipulative 

"most of us didn't grow up in a family where healthy communication was supported" Understatement of the century right there, haha

Finally a video to make us see that ourselves can also be perpetrators. I'm tired of how mental health stuff is about avoiding toxic manipulative people etc but almost never about how we can also be the bad guy.

We live in a time where young people get to see this video and learn from it before it happens...yay internet!

not to get off topic here, but your hair??? is gorgeous and you look amazing today!

As a symptom of my anxiety, sometimes I'm terrified of bothering people, so when they ask me how I am and I don't answer or I lie and say I'm okay, it's because I don't want to be a burden and drag them down, but now I'm worried I'm being manipulative. I totally get how a lot of this is bad and I'm going to work even harder to catch it, but some of this stuff I don't do to manipulate people, I do it because I worry about upsetting them, burdening them, or I fear them getting angry at me for being too honest, all stuff I dealt with growing up, so I learned to clam up and bottle things. I always put others before myself, and to think that's manipulative behavior has me confused and I just generally don't know what to do when some of this is not with ill intent, and a part of my panic disorder and PTSD, as well as general coping, like waiting to communicate or having to fall silent so I don't say something I'll regret. I like to think through things, and my counselors have taught me that I don't owe anyone an explanation, although I suppose that just means to still be honest at a base level. I'm glad I watched this video. It's eye-opening. I'll have to talk to my therapist about it and she can help me work through my confusion, and to figure out what parts are just my body coping with trauma and what is generally something I need to stop.

I wish there where more videos and information that flag negative behaviours in ourselves without being judgmental or so focused on the victim. I genuinely think that allot of people who are abusive or have negative traits arent bad, they just dont know any better and have little self awareness. There is so much information about how to spot a manipulator or abuser or narcissist that is focused on the point of view of the victim and not near enough information to help abusers gain some self awareness.

I have the opposite problem, where I had a parent that was extremely emotionally manipulative and now I constantly worry that I'm doing the same, when I'm actually just acting fine.

Thank you so much for talking about passive aggression! When I get upset, I sometimes tend to act passive aggressive because it's way easier than saying what's bothering me. However, I'm working on this. Loved the video and your new hairstyle!❤

My problem is that every time I communicate my needs, feelings, and wants in a very polite and direct way, I am often being punished with anger, rage, or silent treatment in my family, which taught me not to bring up anything that's on my mind. But that is counterproductive. All my life I feel like walking on eggshells, eternally over-analyzing and ruminating over how much more politely and more sweetly to suggest something that I need or want... and every time it only makes them mad at me. The more I try, the worst it gets. I end up feeling like a doormat. I have had enough of nice communication skills. I need to learn assertiveness and how to stand up for my boundaries. No matter how good I communicate, most people in my life ignore or don't care and do what they want to any way. Then I ruminate forever over how to communicate even better and try again even nicer, which only angers or annoys them. Instead of trying and trying and trying, I should lose all ties with those who do not care to listen to me. Work on your communication skills. But don't try to communicate better and better with those who refuse to even listen to you or acknowledge your existence.

This making me realize just how manipulative I am.😬

Growing up, my mom always played the victim in all of her relationships (including the one with me). When I started dating and creating deeper friendships, I realized that I started doing the same thing and knew I needed to knock! it! off! Therapy is a gift and helped me figure out other ways to cope, communicate, and figure out why I felt the need to victimize myself. Thank you so much for sharing! We all have toxic traits, it’s just a matter of recognizing the behavior, your triggers, replacing negative habits, and continuing to grow ❤️

I’ll admit that I’ve done all of these things, realized it was manipulative, then felt guilty afterwards

I have ASD and passive agression annoys me so much because I get so confused. I think I don't do these things a lot, I like to be as straightforward as possible but I probably don't even notice when I do.

I never realised how toxic passive aggression was, until i got friends who werent that way and it really made me realise i very much copied this behavior from my family and previous friendships. I'm glad i met people who, like me, really are working on being the best possible person they can be. This video is very informative and if i ever need to explain anything manipulation wise i will definitely direct them towards this video😊

The subject of being toxic/manipulative/covertly malicious yourself is very challenging and very interesting to explore. I hope it will be discussed more ❤️

I go silent in arguments especially if I did anything wrong. It’s not to have them bend or feel bad, I just have an incredibly difficult time not crying and dont want to do that because it feels super manipulative when I know my emotions are temporary and their feelings are valid. But I will work on clearly communicating clearly, thank you for this video!

"Love should be taught as a kid, if they don't teach you...a little crazy or a little dangerous you will become"

I think b/c of my struggle with self-esteem, I use some of these tactics as a defense mechanism, b/c I ofter feel that people are trying to demean me with their actions so as a way of fighting back, I use these tactics. I will working on improving myself and also in tandem continuing to work on my self-esteem issues. Thanks for this video.

This hits it on the nose- “manipulation” has been part of me from age 5- why so early? Because that was the age I gathered with my therapist when it started due to “abondamment” issues, when my parents divorced and nobody told me they had. In fact, they didn’t want me around them for two years as well and never told me what happened. Including the grandparents I was stuck with for years. Saying things interesting enough in order to hope someone won’t ditch me because I’m ultimately afraid of being alone. I then Stone Walled most of them because of how close I got with them not because I’m trying to manipulate them further- I just felt I don’t deserve the attention and don’t want to feel I can’t meet up to their expectations of how cool I might be to them. And so I abandon them first.... it’s a terrible repeat loop that I’ve been slowly chipping away to get rid of, this video helps me keep my head on straight when I talk to anybody- so ty for doing this video 💗👍

ive always thought that i was being manipulative, turns out i dont do any of these things! thanks kati! c:

I suggested something the other day, and got accused of manipulating. Sometimes people accuse others of manipulation because they themselves are over-sensitive, and that accusation in itself is a form of manipulation.

Kati, what you’re spreading has helped probably so many people... including me. The gift of awareness is such a beautiful thing,

Passive aggressiveness is something Finns (Finnish people) are raised on as a normal way of reacting to things. I just wish something change and they talk directly about things. It’s absolutely exhausting....

i WISH you were my therapist. you understand me without me even telling you what i’m hurting about!!!

"...and we're all correct!" OMG. This is going to change my thinking! Thank you.

Thank you, when people use those methods to manipulate; they believe everyone is doing the same. I also like how you imply to express gratitude, always. Unspoken expectations; that one is also bad for relationships. Thanks for video.

You have done something really incredible today. You’ve helped me remember who I actually am and how I handle situations. I’ve always handled situations by sitting down and talking about it and letting them know how I feel and I haven’t been doing that lately. Today, you made me realize who I am as a person. Thank you 🙏

Maybe this is an unrelated topic, but when you talked about just asking what we need from people, that resonated very much with me. I have a very dear friend who lives in another state, but is coming to a city near mine to spend Christmas with his family. And I'm finding very hard to ask him to spend some time with me while he's around. I keep thinking that he has his family to stay with, and other friends he wants to see aswell... And I feel like I'm not as important and not a priority even if there's no evidence that this is the case - quite the contrary, he said I don't need to be insecure about this. I find it very difficult to ask people when I need more love or attention from them. If is not coming to me organically, or if I ask for more, I feel pressuring them, I feel like I'm a chore.

Thank you! It was so revealing, I’m passive aggressive and when I get to a point where I feel really unheard, I stone wall. Never got this revelation so clearly before + never felt it was so toxic. In my mind it’s a way to protect me, but it shouldn’t be.

We definitely ALL do these, and I wish all the narcissists I know would watch and heed this brief and comprehensive video!

I needed this advice growing up. My mom and I engaged in mutual stonewalling so often. The advice still helps to remind me to just tell someone how I feel about whatever is going on

I don't think this video is harsh at all! There's not enough honesty out there about how our own actions and reactions contribute to relationship issues. Thank you for this.

Passive aggression is a huge thing to work on for me. I really struggle to be open and straightforward sometimes, but I'm working on it by forcing myself to express my feelings on the little things, with the hope to learn to be sincere on the big things as well. Thank you for this video, it was really helpful!

The way you say “welcome” puts a smile on my face every time even if I had a bad day. Thank you!

Okay okay, I can own my crap lol. I have DEFINITELY been manipulative to get what I want. I used to be so passive aggressive, now I catch myself. Thank God for grace 🙏🏾

It's always important to look at ourselves because it's empowering to be aware of our faults as well as our skills. Responsibility prefaces improvement. Happy Holidays!

I have a long history of being emotionally abused and my therapist knows this. After watching this video, I noticed how much he actively tries to steer me away from these patterns and he models the healthy thing to do. An example off the top of my head being, we do outreach (meeting in the community) and we meet for coffee. When he needs to change the appointment, he gives me options and after telling me what he needs, then thanking me for accommodating him. It's made it a lot easier to do the same. This was a cool video.

Self awareness in conjunction with mindfulness practice (5+ years). The two of them were a powerful combo !! And has helped me curve a lot of my “crap”(for want of a better word)

I can’t wait to hear your insight, we all have toxic traits, and sometimes it can be difficult to notice when I make mistakes!! Happy holidays Kati! ❤️🥰

Hey Kati, long term watcher here... but I don’t often engage on YT cos it freaks me out.. just wanted to say that your content has been one of the most helpful tools in my MH ‘journey’. I have struggled for a long time and got some diagnoses in the last 18 months and your channel has given me so much understanding of myself and hope and tools to live a little easier. It sucks that some of your content gets demonetised because these are the things we all need. Thanks x100 from Australia 💓

I loved this balanced discussion of manipulation - examples were great!

In DBT we think of it more in terms of interpersonal effectiveness. Objectives goals, relationship goals, self-respect goals. Manipulative-ness assumes malicious intentions. When we assume someone has those intentions we're already kinda screwing ourselves. We all wish to influence others in our lives, and others are always trying to influence us.

I loved this video! It is my biggest frustration when people don’t communicate clearly. I’m autistic, so I need clear, concise, communication. I really don’t get hints, or suggestions. It’s such extra work trying to connect the dots, or feeling the heartache of someone I care about withholding, and/or purposely ignoring my apologies, or my invitations to discuss what the matter is. Or what went wrong. I don’t understand... My oldest and dearest friend of 35 years would rather throw our whole friendship away, than discuss, talk through and take responsibility for a situation that happened whilst our families were on holiday together. I still don’t understand that 4 years later. Just use your words. And no... You won’t always get what you want. You won’t always get what you ask for. You won’t always get your own way... But that in itself, holds valuable lessons in kindness, compassion and compromise. Relationships are like bank accounts. You have to make regular, healthy deposits as well as withdrawals. Great video Kati. Thank you so much ☺️

When I am hurt I cry I don’t consider myself trying to be manipulative I consider myself hurt!

Kati you look gorgeous 😘

I know someone who I always thought was pretty bossy, now I realize she's just ultra-manipulative!

Thank you so much for this video, Kati!!! As someone with BPD, I personally tend to play the victim and stonewall. However, my manipulation is really totally unintentional. When I’m “playing the victim” I don’t mean to be overdramatic with my emotions but I feel my emotions so strongly that that’s how it seems to others. With “stone walling” I stop talking with people thinking that I’m doing people a favor because when I stop talking to them then they don’t have to deal with keeping a relationship with me

I think one thing that really helped me to not stonewall is learning to actually ask to take a break and have some alone time to think / cool down, or, sometimes just make that statement, like, "I like you and I feel overwhelmed. I don't want to say something I regret or something hurtful in the heat of the moment, so I'm going to take a break now." In healthy relationships, people respect honesty and boundaries. Stonewalling is a coping mechanism when I think my boundaries won't be respected in a conversation and I didn't know how else to make the conversation stop.

This is my favorite mental health channel Katie I love your warm, friendly personality. I learn something new everytime I see your videos.🌞 🤸🏼

Love this! My pastor once said the backside to your greatest strength is your weakness. Super helpful to learn about being manipulative unintentionally. Thank you! Merry Christmas ❤️

I’ve been passive aggressive because I grew up in an environment where I was never allowed to have an opinion or even express my feelings without being yelled at and told I’m wrong, so passive aggression became my only recourse. I hate it. It’s such a negative trait so now I just say what I’m feeling and if people don’t like it, I don’t care.

thank you for this. now i know that i sometimes was manipulative but you are talking about this like its something normal and everybody does that so that helps not feeling so evil

I so needed this tough-love reminder, so thank you! I saved this in my mental health playlist. Love your videos. 💗💗💗

Thank you Miss Morton for all of your help through out the year , Merry Christmas to you and Shawn !

I do passive agressivness and stone walling because I find it very difficult to handle direct conflict. Thanks for making me aware of it and for showing us a better way.

My husband and I are king and queen of passive aggressive. We both grew up in families where we were emotionally abused and neglected....it makes arguments interesting between us. We just started counseling, and it’s been eye opening, already! There’s hope, friends!

Thanks Kati for being so consistent with your videos! Always keeping/reminding us to communicate :)

Dude, I'm so grateful for your channel! You give such great advice on how to fix ourselves and you don't judge :) thank you!

Guilt tripping people is one of my own manipulative behaviours that I only became conscious of in my 30s and have made an effort to stop. I learned the behaviour from my mother, who has used it on me a lot throughout my life.

I'm a stonewaller when I feel my boundaries have been crossed after I laid them out. It's a final boundary and a statement of, I decide who has access to me. These habits run deep, I won't lie.

I never realized what unhealthy habits I had with my relationships... Thank you for not only bringing these things to light for people, but offering solutions. Didn't realize I needed this.

Thanks for making this video. It's really good to know that we're not alone in falling into these patterns of behaviour, and we have the power to change them.

I have been following your channel for quite some time and LOVE your videos. I wanted to be a therapist when I grew up but sadly life got in the way. That hasn't stopped me from having a hobby of investigating various mental illnesses and conditions. Your channel helps a lot. I SO wish you were local to me, I would hire you into my medical team in a heartbeat!

This is sooo good to have in my self-reflection. Keep these kinds of videos too.

Someone aught to send this to Nik Avocado or whatever tf his name is.

Gosh Kati, I REALLY like this video!! I would love for you to do more videos like this, on how to know if you are the one with the mal-adaptive/bad/hurtful behavior. I am really interested in this angle. I usually have that in mind when learning about bad behavior, but content-creators usually always take the angle of it being the other person behaving poorly. I love your channel and have been a viewer for several years. 💕 Happy Holidays!

Can't wait for your second book!! Xxxx

Great video!! I love videos like this, that remind us is no one is perfect and we can all do some work on ourselves. I'm definitely most prone to suggestion, because I feel ashamed to ask people for the things I want (or need) regardless of what they are, so I fall into this trap of always trying to hide my wants and needs, so then to get them met I make, frankly disingenuous "suggestions" which are really just designed to get me what I need in the situation. I've done some work on this "feelings guilt" in therapy and I'm really lucky now to be in a relationship where I feel safe expressing my wants and needs, so now I'm practicing changing what the default is for me, and going for a more direct and transparent communication style.

Thank you! Self parenting is so important to me.

this was really helpful. made me realize things i’ve done. always so informative thank you.

Taking the time to really realize what behaviors you act out in is so good to progress in mental health. Realizing both positive and negative behaviors and mechanisms used is very much needed

That was awesome . You have it all so together, thank you.

Dear Kati, My brother has been verbally abusive my whole life. I've tried over and over again and I'm so tired of picking myself up again and standing up for myself and then trying to fight and him beating me down again. Ex. I used his shampoo a couple times without knowing it was his explicitly, and now he wants me to buy him a while new bottle. It's things like that that are honest mistakes or literally talking to loudly and then he makes me feel like a worthless piece of crap. My mom claims he's made a breakthrough and wants to change, but I'm too tired to try again and make myself even remotely vulnerable again. I don't know if I should try again or protect myself. He has nearly every sign of clinical narcissism. He has literally said he doesn't care if anyone in my family dies, including me. He didn't cry when our grandma died, he didn't bother to help in any way when my dad had a heart attack, etc. Please help. Thank you for all you do! ~Ari

I was just questioning this of myself

I am the friggin' epidemy of passive aggression. For me, it's much easier to stay silent than to try to talk back because when I do, I usually end up crying no matter the situation because things have been bottled up for so long. I'm not quite sure how to get past this. My partner also stonewalls and expects me to apologize to him and make things better because I made him upset. At this point, it's just something I've learned to live with.

Thanks so much for going over this topic. It’s hard to call myself manipulative but I’ve caught myself doing these a few times recently and felt bad for it. So seeing this so soon after really makes me feel supported and reminds me that messing up doesn’t make me a bad person, it just shows me what I need to work on next 😊 Thank you!

when you realize you were manipulative this whole time

wow now i'm quite interested in the four horsemen of relationships

Yes Kati you have great timing! Are you keeping up with the RU-vid drama? My goodness. This is why I love you and this work! It’s so important.

Thank you for your content!!!!!

Kati: "I'm gonna tell you how you're being manipulative without even knowing it, but first subscribe to my channel" Ahhhh that's manipulative. Haha sorry kati, It's late, I'm being silly. I love your content, and educating myself.

damn, I do 3 of those (passive aggression, suggestion, playing the victim) I do tend to ignore texts as well but it's more related to general stress and being unable to cope with reality, than anything manipulative...

The video quality of this is so great! Any new editing/filming you’re doing here works so well!

"We are all right" - Love it!

Love you so much you are helping me a lot ❤️

You are inspiring ❤️

Thanks for putting this out there. People need to start reflecting within themselves first before lashing out. This came right on time!

Thank you so much for your support, you are helping a lot of people thank you 😊

Hey Katie! I love when you mention the theories behind what you’re explaining, like you did with the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse in this video. Would you ever consider doing whole videos dedicated to exploring theories like these in depth?

i play the victim and stone wall a lot. love the song u used in the end

Great video, THANK YOU Kati xxx

I've been waiting for this video!!!!!!

how fun, just found out that my mom has been manipulating me my whole life

my queen

Love your videos! I first found you in 2013 when I was struggling a great deal (self harm, suicidal, depression & anxiety) due to being bullied at school among other things. 2015 I got diagnosed with ptsd and started using alcohol as a way to cope after giving up self harm. 2016 I became sober after an episode of physical violence. 2017 I graduated high-school on the top of my class. 2018 I started working as a TA in elementary and being assigned to some kids with ADHD and autism. It was such an enriching and humbling experience. 2019 I’m a psych major.

Seeing this video it makes you realize how common manipulation is...

Wow. Hard words that needed to be said. Thank you for a great video.

Can I just bring a bit of an autistic point of view on the stonewalling? When upset, I cannot talk and often risk being very mean if I do try to communicate in a way I would never in my normal state and that I *know* I would regret later. Therefore, I kind of have to go silent when upset in an argument. But I do think that intent is important here. When shutting off because I'm upset, I am not trying to change the person's behaviour, but simply to isolate from the rest of the world to have the opportunity to process all the many feelings I do have but stuggle to understand. My way to try to make it better is to say that I need time off (implied that we can go back on the conversation at a later date), but I know it often times upset people to suddenly not have someone responding to their argument when they are upset. So I end up having a really hard time dealing with argument because on the one hand, if I still despite the need to isolate, I risk lashing out and harming someone I care about, but on the other hand, if I isolate, I risk making the person even more upset for not being able to speak their issue when they feel like they need to. Anyways, I think that was just a comment to try to not tell myself that my way of acting is abusive… And because I do not think all my relationships are toxic.

Thank you for this!

This was so eye opening and helpful. I’m realizing my own faults as well as my partners. Learning a lot and trying to fix these. Thank you.