6 Rules for Relationships 

1. Your partner is separate from you. 2. No means no. 3. Own your own stuff. You're not perfect. 4. Equal means equal (but not recommended for romance, being fair is better) 5. Let people be people. 6. Negative feedback is okay. Speak up.

“Abandon all hope, hope prolongs suffering”

If you look at social media, how may 'couples' photos do you see where one partner is beaming from ear to ear with a firm grasp on their partner's arm, and the other partner has a pasted on smile and that deer in the headlights look. Most people probably don't notice that, but I do. And I'm gonna put a pin in that observation and see if it isn't some strong indicator for the future of that relationship.

My beloved Gary impressed me with so many things, but there was one thing he did NOT do that really impressed me: he never, not once, pathologized emotions. So many people and men in particular, say nasty things to women when we express emotions. I have a soft heart and cry often. I was told by someone else that I was just using tears to manipulate him. Gary told me, "Crying just means you have a good heart." When I got mad, Gary didn't call me emotional or moody, accuse me of "being on the rag" or having PMS. He apologized, tried to correct it, or *argued back* because he, too, had a valid point! When I was confused, he explained things. He never tried to make me feel dumb or ignorant for not knowing everything he knew. Gary did NOT call me names or make it seem like there was something wrong with me for expressing emotions. I made it safe for him, too, to be strong, angry, upset, scared and sad. He cried in front of me more than once, and I empathized with and comforted him. Not once did I find him less masculine for expressing himself honestly. Men and women are given the exact same range of emotions. Nobody should believe that one sex is not allowed to access the same emotions as the other.

A lot of us have learned these lessons late but better late than never. A lot of people sleepwalk through life and die a bitter, resentful victim

Can testify that resentment kills love & relationship. My ex knows that now, he ignored my clearly expressed wishes one time too many & it's goodbye to 20+ years. Everyone has their limit & I reached mine.

I was surprised by how shocked I felt to hear you say that negative criticism shouldn't end up in a fight. I feel like I've known few people who don't take an ego wounding and turn it into a miniature war. Either they turn it inwards and punish themselves, or turn it outwards and punish me. It's odd to me that there are people out there who voice issues without a battle commencing.

I want to thank you a lot for your videos. I binge watched them at the end of 2018 and then I planned my escape literally with the strength your videos gave me then and now I am more then happy to tell you I planned everything and moved out and moved in somewhere else with my child and I was as strong as I could possibly be. My narc ex was really annoying and stalking and so on but I kept beeing consistent, calling police, not responding and after about 5-6 months I had my freedom and my peace. Its now almost 5 years ago that happened and I finally found your channel again. Thank you so much!!! I am sure you helped a lot please keep uo your work. Greetings from Austria

I just feel the need to make this point…a healthy relationship is not healthy 100% of the time. You WILL go through periods of time when your relationship is not great, and sometimes it can be downright dysfunctional. But the trajectory, if you get it right, is towards healing for both partners. The love of my life can be angry, possessive, rigid and messy. I can be controlling, arrogant, unforgiving and inconsistent. The challenge of overcoming our significant traumas while caring for each other and our son can sometimes be overwhelming. But we persevere. And we win. I love the rules Richard.

My last relationship ended because I said "I cannot be your therapist anymore." It's really sad because I still love them very much.

I've never had a healthy relationship either. I don't really understand what one is. I do have good friends that I trust. That is a wonderful thing. Honesty is so important if you do find someone and if you want to find someone I feel you will have a good relationship. Thank you Richard. This was a very valuable discussion.

Best lines of the day, so far: role playing.. "Pretend you are my abusive ex-boyfriend." ("Well, if that's what you really want...")

This moved me... It changed me as a person. I'm sending this video to all my friends. Seriously though, from my experience this is very on-point. I think most of the 6 points come down to control. People forget that everyone has a basic need for autonomy. We hate being controlled, and we must respect that fact if we're to make a relationship work. The sacrifices you make have to be done out of your own desire to do them. The moment you feel coerced into doing them is the moment problems emerge. My own story -- I've been married for 5 years, but was quite unhappy for the first two. I wanted more spontaneous physical affection, and he just could not give it to me. On the other hand, he nitpicked my cleaning habits. In particular, he wanted me to keep the sink clear of dirty dishes at all times. We fought about these silly things again and again, but of course underneath those problems were the real pain points: "I don't want you to control me." + "Am I not good enough for you as I am now?" + "I feel unloved when you don't do what I ask." When I'd ask him for a hug or a kiss, I'd secretly feel resentment. I had told him a million times that I wanted these hugs and kisses out of the blue and that they would make me so happy. I thought that he must not really care for me if he knew that and still didn't do it. He said that it just didn't enter into his mind to do it. He would become more affectionate at first but gradually forget again. I felt unloved, but I was no better. If I really loved him, then why didn't I do the damn dishes for him? There in fact was no profound reason. I simply hated doing them. It was as simple as that, because my love for him had NOTHING to do with doing the dishes, even if I knew it would make him happy. Logically they were connected -- I love him, X makes him happy, then I should want to do X as much as possible. But that ignores my own feelings about X, which in reality take center stage. And that's when it all clicked and my resentment vanished. His lack of physical affection wasn't about me. I understood, REALLY understood, not just intellectually, but as a feeling in my body, that he wasn't a physically affectionate person. It's not who he is. Me asking him for a hug or a kiss isn't silly -- it's how I help him help me. Or I throw myself onto him and give him a bear hug. He loves it, I love it. We're both happy. As for the dishes, I told him that I wasn't trying to spite him. I just really hated doing them and trying to keep the sink always looking perfect stressed me out. The magic words: "I'm sorry, I've tried and I've failed over and over again. If it really bothers you that much, just do it yourself please." And that's really all there was to it. I think all 6 points were encapsulated here - recognizing that we're separate, no means no, owning your stuff, being equal/fair, letting people be who they are, and speaking up.

No judgement, no expection, no control. Being the best version of yourself, authentic, respectful... navigate, communicate and compromise.

I pray for you Richard. I'm thankful for your work. It helped me at the right time. I had to see myself first, accept the truth about me, and see the dance for what it was. I did die to self...thats a story for sure. It really struck me when your video with Sam came out about what process we must go through to truly be free. I went through this process. I've been single purposely since figuring out what was going on. Focused on my education after raising children and still raising a 14 year old, and graduating in four months. I know for a fact, I'll never be in an unhealthy relationship again. I am a different person, not lonely, and patient. I know I'll take my time this time...and I have no interest in going about things the way I did before. Best wishes to everyone!

"I clearly know what I'm doing. Look at my notes." 📝😄💯

"Grief is a strength" Oh My!!!! I did the 30 day challenge in July, but I'm so grateful for this reminder 🥴😌🥰

All these ‘negative’ experiences, or I’d rather call them ‘learning curves’, I can very much relate. Nodding my head as I watch this video 😅. As always Richard, thx for the insights 👊🏽

Not to boost your ego, but maybe some comfort. With every relationship-loss and grief, there seems to be a lesson learned. You teach by sharing your own errors, and that to me is really trustworthy. The wisdom you share whilst being vulnerable and hurt strikes a chord.

Hi Richard. You have come to my attention recently during my search for understanding the narcissistic that I was part of for decades. I find you humble and helpful as well as honest. Thank you.

No one owns each other, we are all individuals.

You are right but it's just so much less stressful being single. Sometimes it's lonely but it's peaceful. I like peace. I'm too comfortable on my own now. Sad but true. Nobody fancies me anymore anyway 😂🤷

One last one. Richard, I love your complete honesty in that you've never been in a healthy relationship. Nor have I, even though that's what I strive for. I'd hope you wouldn't be so hard on yourself with that one and feeling like you're not qualified. Who is, really? And it's not your fault you haven't found someone to be in a healthy relationship yet, and just the same for any of us including me. We've been doing our best. Right? We can't make another person understand all we know and conform, of course, even though that would be great! hahaha! No. I think we just haven't found the right person yet who is willing to do the same, but it can happen. However many of us are out there. Can't be giving up hope and all that shit, or feeling like we're not qualified to know what a good one might look like. I think you did stupendous! And you can take that to the bank, my dear. A very Happy New Year from the great white north to you and all!!!

Richard you're so well qualified to be in a happy, healthy relationship, that I hope this year will bring you such a blessing. Happy New Year and thanks for everything!! 🙂🏵☘🦋🏡🎄🌠

Hi Richard. Just wanted to say big thanks in public for the work you do. It helped me a lot to survive a terrible split up with my psychopath narc (she) and all the terrible things happened over the last 5 yearss of my life and a terrible split up process. I’m Know much better boundried, beliving in myself, beliving in my observations and listening to my inner voice and feelings. I was such an orthodox codependent empath scared all the Time. 50 years old men finally living his best Time in life ! Cheers!

Thank you Richard. I love your reflections and suggestions. We self-betray when we "fall for" for the potential rather than the person. I've been contemplating relationship alot. Particularly whether my journey is to live in relationship or in community. I feel a lot of peace when in my hermithood and yet have learned so much about myself in relationships. I am more and more moved to see relationship as crucible, charnel ground and as covenant. Something more than a contract or a sequence of transactions. In the West we have disavowed all kinds of the sacred for too long, in my view. In my experience, where there has been a sacred covenant, a shared vision and a dedication to a higher purpose with clear, healthy boundaries and expectations, the relationship has been a soul forging and a personally evolutionary experience.

Rule #2 is GREAT! The last (and final) relationship I had with a person who displayed some narcissistic traits (a friend) ended when I said, “No”. She asked for something from me that she sincerely believed was a reasonable request, but I was neither willing nor able to agree. She was asking more from me than I was willing to give. So she ended the friendship. I was so relieved…so many of my friendships with other women have been about them using me to process their negative emotions. No more. If you are a woman who does this- it is not healthy and there is a cost to the other person. Learn how to process your own stuff and regulate your own emotions and your relationships will be richer and more satisfying.

As for "who am I to talk about..." - there is this saying, teach what you want to learn 😀 - thank you Richard!!

Before I even watch this video there is loads I could say on this topic after finally being in a real, healthy relationship for the past ten years. However, one quote speaks VOLUMES on this topic. "We accept the love we think we deserve."

Ram Dass said "compassion stated simply is leaving other people alone." This has become a mantra to me since recovering from cPTSD. It's so hard to do - but seeing how this culture (especially The Discourse) does nothing but break boundaries and get over-involved in judging other people's behaviours & lives, it is easier to see how & why I should learn to butt out and let people be. Blessings, Richie.

Thank you Richard to give us the best of yourself and of your life experiences. Your work allows us to definitely see and choose the path that leads to the best version of ourselves. Don't be embarrassed when overwhelmed with our praise and gratitude : you simply deserve it. I wish you a very happy new year ! 🌟🌟🙋‍♀️

Point 4 "dont worry about equal...worry about fair" Love this reframe Rich...🌻 I remember this from the last challenge...🙏 It's a great reminder for me...👍 I believe I had & gave out at least 4 of the 6 for 21 years, so I'm safe in saying the last 3 are super important...👍 Really great tips... Thank you... Yup, you did good!...😊👌

I think you have very valid advise here. The more distance we have from unhealthy relationships the more likely we can see what we simply couldn’t while in the muck. Thank you. Piece of advise always…….gratitude…..recognize, appreciate, cherish, even celebrate quietly

"THE" cult of one... Individuality.. Respect of shared inspiration. Appreciation of coregulation and assisting a common cause... Not dismissing intuitive moments of one in the circle that triggers you. Respect peoples intellectual property. Acknowledge their support of your mission and be grateful for progressive information shared out of progress alone, not for self perpetuity. And vice versa😉

I can only hope that the long trail of bad relationships behind me do eventually qualify me to be in a good one. May the odds be in our favor.

Thank you for your absolute honesty about your own humanity.

@22:37 When people deny they are hurt etc. but they don't leave, often they will come around eventually. There's no need to actually leave them then and there. Patience can be a virtue here...

"Whatever you're gaining in a lie, you're gonna lose so much more"...yes great truth there.

OMG.. I've been married for 25 years. Left the marriage several times. Finally left last June. I am a retired RN. Always thought my husband would "Come around." You have opened my eyes to what my past 25 years actually was. I was a complete Narc Supplier. I willingly gave my narcissist everything, even my relationship with my children. You saved my life. Divorcing is NOT easy. He says everything we own is his. After realizing what a dynamic i was involved in, I can never go back. THANKS 😊.

Really amazing points. Good shit! Get em’ written down. JP style! . It’ll be a lucky woman that gets to feel the real you. I would also say I’m a recovering people pleaser and honestly I’ve secretly diagnosed (labelled) my partner of 10 years (over the span of our relationship) with everything from schizophrenia to autism 🤣🤦🏽‍♀️ (including all the cluster b personalities), until I realised it was all a projection from me! Haha: my unconscious shadow; that thought I was an angel and everyone else was a demon 🤦🏽‍♀️ What’s so funny is that once I took responsibility of my own energy/aura….all the toxicity/projections/masks/resentment/labels disappeared. And perceptions of the behaviour, And God what a lesson, what a ride: once we move the lens inwards as opposed to outwards…..boundaries appear and the trust/love grows in such authentic ways. You have spoken so much truth that has awoken me over the years of listening to really important shit. I’d love to interview you, if you do that type of thing. I have a small channel and it would be effin awesome to have a chat to share. Regardless, goodbye 2022!! Thanks for sharing 🙆🏻‍♀️🙌🏻

You are very astute. Conveying both authenticity and clarity. You have been helpful to me - and I am not flattering you. I am an actual empath who also has never been in a healthy creative loving relationship. It been a series of giving my heart and ( offering my liver ) to selfish, wounded, stupid people and having to learn about the lack of healthy relationship the hardest way. And yes we can include latter on in life a brutal dance with a controlling - objectifying - vampire/narcissist w- psychotic episodes. I am currently extricating from the reunion with my twin sister who has never been there for me and invited me to live next door to her - - I moved here to give it a go. It's been hard and not productive and is inching now toward exploding narcissistic abuse as I do not any longer capitulate and take care of everyone - - so this is to be my last chapter I believe in stepping into uneven power dynamics in significant relationships ! And by the way = I also qualify for excellent relationship advice because I see and feel everything. And I have learned very hard lessons - just don't have the heart for relationship myself now.

A relationship takes BIG Sacrifice! Both partners would need to be able to make sacrifices within it, in order to make it work!

The idea of equality vs fairness seems to be similar to equality vs equity. Equity, IMO, is better because equity considers differences, such as in resources, even emotional ones, ability, and opportunities. Thanks for the excellent video!

Always a genuine mature lesson being given from a wonderful teacher!

I believe its how negative feedback is given. Alot is in the context of ahaming or blaming, or accusation.

Life has taught me some huge lessons especially when it comes to relationships as I'm seeing a lot of marriages fail in the process, either the partners are not meant for each other, struggling financially, disagreements, lack of resonance etc. One of the main lessons I've learnt is that for a healthy and strong relationship requires a solid foundation through a 𝗙𝗥𝗜𝗘𝗡𝗗𝗦𝗛𝗜𝗣 connection first with the principles and key elements of commitment, trustworthiness, communication and being openly honest. But, we need that relationship with ourselves first by becoming more conscious of our unconscious behavior patterns and thoughts from our childhood traumas. The key is balance. There will be bumps, there will be challenges, there will be hurdles...all opportunities to grow together.

Great job Richard. I figured if anyone reminds me of any Narcs in my past that's when I walk away. I am getting much better dodging them, thanks to You. 😃

I believe we have to be healed before understanding what the ingredients are for a healthy relationship. For me, this is my list... *Be able to communicate back and forth without fear, and with mutual respect *Be able to share interests, hobbies, emotions, goals *Know your attachment style and theirs *Share in the effort, responsibilities *Not one-sided *Validating eachothers hurts and concerns with respect and compassion *Willingness to resolve issues w/put critical and put downs

THANK YOU I NEVER REALIZED HOW CONTROLLING I AM

Very refreshing to hear such a raw, honest and vulnerable answer to this person's question. Great starting points to work with.

Perfectly said! Thank you

Nailed it! Thank you

I laughed out loud every time you said you are not the person to be giving advice on how to have a good relationship. I always say that too. I failed to keep my boundaries in everyone of my relationships for whatever the reason, but now I see how my failure to keep my boundaries did absolutely no good for them and probably hurt them (a couple it absolutely did). So now, I have to give them to God who actually is the only one who can save them. I never could, I can't now, and I will not be able to in the future. I can only keep my boundaries and from doing so, reveal to others the peace that passes understanding and the joy of the Lord which gives me strength.

Perfect list, Richard. Thank you so very much for this. 🙏

This is excellent and well spoken. Thank you!

We are all learning. Thank you.

Trust and mutual respect is everything in any relationship personal, business and between countries.

I agree with what you are saying. Thank you for putting the words out there to clearly hear it all.

Super talk. I thought it was great. Thank you. Happy New Year, Mr. Grannon.

Wonderful advice ✨ Thank you so sharing 🙏🏾

Good night Mr.Grannon.After divorcing an abusive person,moved into nature and realized many forms of inner abuse as a women. In Portugal the culture of being a women had very much influence.For me solitude,painting and japanese culture made an interesting journey.Wishing you a soft new year.Grateful,Patricia.

Yeah you did fine. I needed to hear this today, so much appreciation for all you've done.

When you know what you don't want, then you know what you do want.

You did GREAT, Richie ❤️

Loved this One Richard! U R one of my Guru’s. 💕

🙌🙌🙌Thank you for taking the time to express and discuss on this topic.

Thank you, Richard, for your insistence that to ever force one's will on another is one of the worst inhumane behaviors.

Very appreciated and enjoy immensely the warm humour . Thank you for all you share .

You're correct you are not the right person to ask for healthy relationship advice, you're not in one and, by your own admission, never have been. 1. Don't make rules. Discuss guidelines. But at least you're working on it which is better than some.

This video changed EVERYTHING in one sec! Thank you!🤣🤣🤣🤣

❤ Thank you! Very appropriate points to remember.

This was very good. Thank you!

Thank you for holding this space for exploring path to healing and creating health within ourselves and relationship.

Kindred spirit you are, Richard! Happy 2023!!

Amazing talk, thank you!

I love the fact that you are authentic and honest

Great advices 🔥

Absolutely! That was great and relatable advice! I was nodding my head basically all the way through! Thankyou 💛 for this!

Another well produced and grounding post. Well done. I would one day love to see you in a healthy, loving and growing relationship. Well done. Well done.

Yes. All of it. Yes. Great work RG

If i t Ain't Broken Don't try and fix it and If It i s Broken go Get a New One !

Thank you, especially appreciated the fair rather than equal point.

One of your best! Love the advice on good relationship and detachment as forgiveness or letting go. Being "on trial for life" makes it hard to let go but detachment I can do.

No ego ramping, it was a great video. Thank you.

Thank you Richard.

Just what I was thinking of asking? And voila! Here it is.

Big hugs to you Rich. I hope 2023 brings you peace and authentic emotional connection in your personal life.

Hi Richard😊 I've followed you since 2014.. I do believe it back then brought me out of a situation that would have killed me, and certainly have caused damage to my kids.. it was in the early narc days, turned out he was not a narc, however had an genetic problem that left him without any emotional emphathy.. the one that followed was more of a classic narc.. but the abuse was substantial in both.. I finally had to acknowledge the role of the codependent, which I was, as any good echo with a massive saviour complex, not inclined to do.. your honest words hit home on this one too.. i feel like I've been on a similar journey through landmines, ups and downs, conspiracies and back, you have been a massive part of my journey, and you've given me insight into myself and others. You also gave me the word hypersexuality which finally allowed me to understand otherwise erratic and frustrating behavioural patterns, and forgive myself.. the past 2 years I finally was ready to do some shadow work, to be honest about what my own motives, which I of course assumed was kindness.. it was hard, but freeing.. it have eye-opening and I feel better equipped than ever to enter a relationship, to live a life, and I really am grateful ❤️ I'm still on a journey through life, but I do feel I've come far, so far that now I only watch your videos out of a deep seeded interest in psychology 😊 Thank you Richard, for sharing all this😊

Richard. Sorry, but that was very good. Mostly BECAUSE it did come from the darker side of your personal experience. I had an aunt who was regarded as one of the top teachers of Maths in the country. She was able to to get just about anyone to do well and the reason was that this was her weakest subject as a student and as a result she truly understood where and why others struggled. Also to add, that of the principles you shared here, the central pulse seems that of ✨fairness✨in each. And that feels so right and probably the best another human can attempt to be when in the privilege of a relationship. Thank you for your time and attention. You are much loved by your online community🌹💛🌹 And all the VERY best for you in 2023🌈

Richard, good information. I needed to hear about “what’s fair healthy relationship”. A few topics resonated deeply. It’s hard at times, really tough. Thanks Again

Just listening to your video again, because it's great stuff that I agree with all the way around. The scapegoat thing. I think the way I interpreted and explained that all these years was that I'm not anyone's emotional punching bag, nor should I be. Nor should any of us be, ever. Well, you've touched on so many great and amazing points in this one, I can barely keep up. Often, over the years, I've thought I should do exactly what you're doing, but then I don't see myself doing it in the way you are. I've been doing it in my own way on another level, and that's ok too. I'm still helping people however much, which I believe is what you're wanting to do, while you're also helping yourself and trying to sort it out, just as I'm doing as well, and it's all good. To each their own, and to us, the lovers of love and truth, we just do what we do, whatever it looks like, to help however many on the level we're on. Best to have many workers on all levels at all times. No, I don't reach near as many as you do, but I reach as many as I do, according to God's will. I'm actually in natural medicine. That's my main gig. This side of things is secondary to that, although I find it very useful for however many clients of mine, not to mention myself too. But still, this subject is very important, in my opinion. We can't deny the relationship side of things and what goes on there. I know that because I've experienced it myself as well. But like everything I do, because I've experienced it, I then realize how important it is and that helps me help others. Just as you've discovered and why you're doing what you're doing now and so passionate about, Richard. And I love that! It totally resonates with me. I will have to say though, that my ex's name was Richard too. No, I don't hold that against you in any way, because why would I? But, thinking about that name reminds me of a day way back when my kids were young and our middle daughter came up to him and said, I know what your name means! She looked and sounded so very confident! And he asked what it meant, and I know what she meant to say. She meant to say Harsh King. But what came out of her was, Selfish Rat! And I was just like, OMG!!! She hit the nail on the head with that one!!! Bahahahaha!!! Yeah, I died laughing! And so did she. LOL But the thing was, he was a total grandiose narcissist. So, yeah, she did hit the nail on the head. Not making fun of you and your name and such. This over here is and was a totally different story in that regard. But yeah, hearing that come out of her, I was just feeling all like, Out of the mouths of babes! I'm sure you can appreciate that, as I'm sure many others can too. But yeah, the scapegoat. I think I'm rather done with being that for anyone, as I hope you are too and everyone else out there. Why and how did any of us ever decide to sign up for that anyway?

I'm about 34 mins. into and just want to agree with what was being said there about in spite of stepping up and doing all that's required for a healthy relationship to happen, the other person just not, that's a tough one. I can totally relate to that. Which always led me to say it takes two to make it and just one to break it, with that idea in mind. Thanks for sharing all that you do. Couldn't agree more!

Lovely that it worked, good stuff 🤘

Fantastic Richard!

Brilliant and insightful. I enjoyed watching the replay of the live stream. I particularly loved the into. You also mentioned a 7th rule. I think it was “abandon sincere communication with the terminally insincere”. Brilliant! Happy new year. Wishing you health happiness and peace be upon you! 👍 edit: and Thank you!

You always make me smile. I do a mini-analysis of myself during your videos. I have a deep appreciation of your sense of humor, wisdom and honesty. 😊🤗

I love this. What you said about "equal" is bang on. We each have a roll to play and those are different. Happy 2023.

You gave awesome things to think about-you’re OK- sorry I’m not stroking your ego- just telling it like it is😊

You are like a wise friend I really listen to and that I've learnt so much from when I most needed it. Thank you for the valuable insight and advice these last few years. Happy New Year, Richard!

This is probably the most vital question for those who have been bruised. We need to get it sorted to open the door to a great relationship... please keep questing this topic