60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma - Part 6/33 - Judge Self Harshly 

I appreciate that you separate the main part of your talk from the Christian part. Most of my complex trauma is deeply rooted in religious trauma and religious extremism as well. Your intentional use of nuetral/non religious language during the bulk of your talk and then having a separate section for christians makes this material accessible to everyone who needs it while being so incredibly respectful of those who don't share your beliefs or who have been traumatized by more extreme forms of Christianity. This is exceptionally rare in our current climate and I sincerely thank you and applaud you for it.

Lordt, this man doesnt even know how much he is helping me. Instead of demanding for perfection from yourself or from other people to avoid getting hurt, criticized, rejected or abandoned, demand for your boundaries to be honoured. That's the safe/proper way to interact with people. But growing up in emotionally neglectful environment doesnt teach you this, it teaches you that shrinking yourself through the help of shame that keeps you in check coupled with a harsh inner critic will keep you safe.

This series is quite possibly the best, most comprehensive series on trauma available online. Extraordinary resource, thank you so much.

I have always felt my inner critic was God convicting me of what I need to change. I finally realized that no matter how good I tried to act, it was never good enough, and that is not the God that I choose to serve. I finally woke up and realized that what I have always thought of as my relationship with God, was more like the abusive narcissistic marriages I have been in. Thanks to these videos I am finally being able to make progress in my mental health

I typically self- harmed bc I felt I needed to punish myself for not being good enough/ having others criticize me- I felt I DESERVED it and it needed to happen. That's where it started and then it turned into an addiction and way of trying to regulate my emotions

26:53 F. Guilt tripper. I lost a good friend to suicide because he couldnt get this out of his head. His goodbye message said "You are a good person. I am a monster." Hearing you describe this reminded me so much of his own mindset. This stuff is very real and detrimental.

This is such a good program. This series is really helping me. I wasn’t beaten or sexually abused, so I feel guilty if I go back and admit there was complex trauma: strict authoritarian parenting, very critical, manipulative, not allowed to feel sadness or anger, fundamentally ignored, uber-controlling. I never realized I had needs until I read it in a book at age 43. Thank you for the healing course.

You are truly doing the Lord’s work!! So much healing from just helping people understand their own mind better 🙌🏽🙏🏽

This and "The Crappy Childhood Fairy" are the best teachers on these subjects. I have all these critics in my head and I see the faces of those who brought me up. They transferred their fear to me. Only at age 36 I'm just now having real freedom. This whole video is about me. I'm so grateful for these tools, I now know what to do to STAY FREE! Thank you very much, 😎!

Mr. Fletcher, I've been to several therapists over the years, bought and read many books, and searched online trying to get the very information you've provided in this series. I always knew something wasn't right... Why did I always feel like a burden to my parents? Why were things my siblings did taken out on me? Why did none of them care when I was hurting and needed support? Why do I feel like I have to make others happy all the time? Why can I advocate for others but not myself? Why are others able to say "No" and not feel guilty? Why do I criticize and not value myself? Why can't my siblings and I, decades later, talk about it and help each other heal? So many "Why?"s. Because of this series, I'm finally getting answers, finally understanding... BUT most importantly, I'm finally learning how to change the behaviors that I developed because of it. Thank You!!

Recovery is a tough journey. Thank you Mr Tim. These videos are a Godsend. Huge thank you from the bottom of my heart.

You’re the hardest working man in Canada.

I have The Worst emotional hangover today. My brain is like mud. I can hardly hold my head up on my neck. Yesterday read a story at a library program and completely messed it up. I was so nervous. Grateful for this man and this message.

Everything he's explaining is me. I finally reached out for help starting this week.

I’m disappointed that this information was available when I started therapy. I’m 65. The information is so helpful. The beginning of understand why I wrestle with these core issues. I started getting interested in God when I was 21. Therapy has been very helpful I needed navigating through marriage parenting , depression after being and trying to be what I thought God wanted!! The core issues still tortures me. It takes a lot of work, I’m exhausted… plus still trying to manage. I am thankful for finding you on Utube. I am understanding why I have these core issues I cannot seem to get free of. Even including what I know about God. The scriptures , receiving the complete purpose of Jesus. Emotionally I struggled to change. You help me so much. Thank you

I used to think everyone had a mean inner critic.

Ok, everything for me is spot on as far as the different types of inner critics. I have all of them and its a tortuous way to live. But im not into self harm unless you call eating until you're in literal pain as self harm... I've binged on junk food while in a state of absolute emotional breakdown. No comcern for my health or long-term consequences. Just pure disgust and hatred of my body and desperate for a release. Does that count?

Thank You Tim, for helping me be aware of my “ internal parent’s “ voices! I’m understanding more of why I’ve been an almost workaholic and perfectionist during my adult life, and why I’ve found it so difficult to just sit and relax without feeling the need to be productive.

You are a great healer. Your words are full of wisdom.

I've been struggling with this so much lately. I notice that I am very forgiving and encouraging of others but often feel frozen by my own shame. This video was really helpful and has given me a lot to reflect on and start to change in my life.

Your words mean the world to me and I cannot thank you enough to remind me that the building stone of my personality is shame and now, little by little, and by being aware,,,I can start to break it into pieces until the light 💡 comes in,

Why are abusers allowed to have children? Our legal system holds adults accountable for defaming eachother but there’s ZERO legal consequences for emotionally abusing a helpless child

Almost all those boxes apply to me. Damn. I really appreciate the break down and explanations. It really helps with perspective and strategis on how to approach it. I also appreciate that you provide it without pushing your faith. Many pastors would try to tie it into faith and turn it into a sermon, without just giving the accademic and logical explanations of whats going on, and how to handle it.

I almost gave myself whiplash agreeing to stuff in this video!

Mr. Fletcher this is so helpful. I've saved this one to listen to again and again.

My mother was really talented. She was able to instil each of these in me :)

My mean inner critic is for sure my mother.

I would add also the fact that the feeling of inadecuacy and fear comes also with the strong disociation. Apart of the way we are treaten, being in dissociative state creates more fear , and inhability to cope or connect with other children and that is worsening the trauma I was severly dissociated as a child and many times I was playing with children from the same street but I could not "participate" I felt that I cannot hear or understand what they were saiyng, could not get out of freeze response so I was always lost and felt worse. This is also a huge parte of trauma because I got to think that something was so wrong with me and therefor I was expecting all bad things to happend to me

My goodness. Thank you so much for the time and energy you put into making this video. It resonated with me on so many levels.

Love Tim. Him and Roman Zanoni has the best talks on CPTSD

My burning and scratching scars are so deep, I'll have them forever and each time i see them i get those bad feelings again I knew i made those scars for a reason that i didn't understand quite well It was , i think, almost subconsciously done

Tim, you are an amazing teacher - gifted. And thank you for your insights into what happened at Passover... You make it come alive!

Thank you so much for sharing and helping so many people to understand themselves. Here’s to moving forward in healing. 🙏❤️🙏

My inner critic always tells me that if I did more than or less than this that or the other, God would bring me the joy that the Bible talks about. I'm learning so much from your channel and learning to identify these reels and false beliefs my brain has been stuck on for so long now.

It can be hard for a mentally healthy person to understand how intense emotional pain is. I know personally that loneliness can get so bad that the body aches of covid feel less painful. Literally had both at the same time at one point.

That was my mantra when I was little. "Nobody loves me". I still can't figure out if I'm lovable. LOL....I don't believe anyone loves me to this day.....even my kids and husband. I usually convince myself that if I died today there wouldn't be a tear shed or a heart broken. That their lives would be so much easier without me.

I think the part from 24.00 onwards is particularly important . about fighting inner critic and not taking advice from ‘someone who dislikes you’.

You do great work, Tim Fletcher! Thank you so much for what you do and for who you are!

God doesn't give us a spirit of fear! This was eye opening for me as I definitely think of that inner voice as the real me that no one could ever love.. if it isn't from God then it's NOT the real me. Praise God I have a new perspective, thank you!

Thanks for your help, you changed my life

My inner critic is not anyone from my past though. It’s me - not being able to make my mum’s life easier or make her happy. I loved her very much and was desperate to make her life better.

At 62 now is it too late? These talks hit home. I feel like I was ankle tapped as I left my home, raised in a cult, rejected it early bought shame on my family, someone told me I was rubbish and I've believed them ever since. All I can do now is listen learn and try to understand what happened. Old habits die hard. That inner voice takes some serious work to mute, but it's always there. Nagging. And now I'm old. But many thanks for this. You tube puts up some good stuff.

I feel this. It feels like I’m rotten to the core. Or like I’m a bad person just because I am me.

To be fair my mistakes mess my life up far more than anyone else’s so it stands to reason I am harder on myself I can mess up big too, I don’t do small mistakes I like getting the trophy

Thank you for these insights. I hope to use them in my daily practice.

Tim you are an angel and many of us need more like you. ❤

Your videos are so helpful, I understand better my actions & thought patterns. I am healing a little bit more everyday ❤️ Thank you so much!

so many things come to mind when hearing this Tim. Thanks

I ve some destroyer stuff going on, it's hell but I will never give up.

makes me wanna cry why we do this.

These videos are truly blessings to my life

The one about never being good enough is so true but can go one step further that nothing is ever good enough even the way others love us or behave or our lifestyles

I was looking forward to this and am going to watch now. Thanks for what you do Tim! I recommend your channel to so many people.

These lectures are increadibly dense in material to identify all sorts of behaviors, traits and affects, but on and on I see the same recurrent theme where the orator decides what are good or bad mechanisms of adaptation on purely subjective standard. His choice is usually centered around thoughts. He decides we can't control our limbic system, nor our autonomic functions so our thoughts must be wrong. I sympathize with this to an extent, as it is the only domain with some hope of salvation beyond chemical medication. But our thoughts are triggered just like any other automatic system in our bodies. The difference is that there is more internal feedback/feedforward in the pre-frontal cortex which allows us more complex thoughts (which also why we defect to rumination, self-criticism and so on). Now, the resources to deny most of our reactions to thoughts, to self-assessments, or to social judgments are too overwhelming to be worth it. I wish they weren't. It's not by chance that most people would rather do drugs and alcohol - which changes their state of mind and relieves their self-image and even their own view of the world and therefore their receptivity of new information with less fear. Most of these strategies are too taxing. From a point of sadness and self-destruction to a constant cognitive dissonance and warfare against oneself, it's all too ineffective to become a functional citizen. You have to waste half of your mental resources denying yourself. This makes performance downgraded in order to deal with inner conflicts. These are not realistic solutions. This is self-micromanaging. It's exhausting. It's unreliable when you have to perform fast in real time and have to deal with the emotions popping up. The reality is that society is a psychological warfare field and even families scapegoat their own for the majority's profit. There is no way out unless you are ready to advance legal punishments against such behaviors. The problem is that you won't stop the behaviors; you'll only increase the inmate population. Life is chaos, tragedy and constant cutthroat competition. There is no love between humans that one can rely on, because too many have no regard for us. So, to try to shift our reactions and emotional triggers by thought proccesses takes too long. I think we are reaching a dead end trying to maintain a society that would rather avoid physical confrontation and solutions instead of engaging in more black and white solutions like war. It pains me to say this because war should be avoidable to the last effort but our society is breading this psychological battleground with too many casualties to make is worth the candle. Our civility is becoming our own downfall. We think we can create ideal societies where humans magically fit in and integrate like building blocks when in no way this is possible given how different people are and how much maintenance some people need.

I will say that though l internalized some of my parent’s critcriticisms of me, since they have died, they are extremely helpful to me now, from the other side. But since I still retain some Oppositional Defiant Disorder, often it’s hard for me to take their advice, as helpful as it is. I’ll work on it. Thanks so much, love the content!

Thank you. It is eye opening - the whole series.

I love the bible section. It helps so much ❤

❤ Well that just described me to a T! Gotta get on and do some more healing work. Releasing shame is definitely the way forward. Thanks for your insights. You really have highlighted what I need to do for my own peace and healing journey.

This was one of the most helpful videos from Tim 😭🙏🏽💖 truly life changing!!!!

It’s extra fun when some with CPTSD criticize those whose trauma reaction doesn’t match 6:07 up to theirs…

I can relate to so much of this.

thankyou /for healing my adoption and abusive childhood. i can now stop blaming myself.

This resonated so much. I'm so glad I saw this today.

Safe connection, self compassion aids growth for inner child to adult..❤

This man is wonderful

Your efforts are quite admirable😊😊 thank you for efforts. I was wondering why I feel shame n feel bad even doing things against people who did utter wrong to me

Mcwyse Berge Introducing me to this mans theory of complex trauma. I love you cousin ❤ Ty.😊

The Endings are awesome Thank you❤

I love u Tim u r amazing!!

This helps me a lot. Thank you. ..

Omg!! So grateful I found this!!

thank you very much

I had to find a structural framework for not just the trauma but for growth and development. I frame with neurology/nature (AuDHD/C-PTSD) for A.C.E trauma disruptions in psychological development. Core issues are trust and lack of bonding, survival strategies were dissociation and compartmentalization. I have had to redefine socializing and community for my own wellbeing. More community engagement and much less focus on recreational relationships

"If you want to see what happened to you growing up see what you do to your children."

Thank you so very much!

thank you very much for sharing

Kind of impossible to self love when you no longer have a self.

BRAVO!!👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

The joy i recieve care trust builds quicket since this has been decades for this life back now no self excist sad eggshells ya.

Self love is hard because we internally know how stupid we can be. Who knows the story of us but us? So, I beat myself up knowing why I’m no good.

Great video

I just wish I had someone who was physically in front of me that genuinely cared The living with my narcissist mother trying to get my life together so I can leave is the most difficult thing ever and everyone else is just living this wonderful life and I'm just stuck here I just wanted to end

❤THANK YOU❤ AUTHENTIC TRAUMA IS POSSIBLE TO HEAL❤most have no clue

I have all 7, after 18 years i still blame myself for being raped, bullied and abadoned in my Childhood. I hate myself, and sometimes i want all this suffering to end. Thx for this Video i hope it can help me in the future.

Thank you ❤❤❤

25:40 what produces lasting motivation in people.

Never found someone before who is as open-minded as Tim Fletcher who could integrate science and religion together using facts going down to the roots as opposed to judgmentally self-righteous and religious hypocrites.

I have never been able to be enough for anyone not even myself.

“The Destroyer.” WOW. My battle with suicidal ideation is illuminated so deeply.

I’m so confused 😐 I am taking therapy and I am trying to address my trauma and it’s impacts on my behavior however, I find myself burned out. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I’m looking for. Maybe it’s because I’ve neglected my own needs for others that I don’t know my own wants and needs. I find myself resisting and not knowing what to do. Sometimes I wonder should I pack up and leave, start over and suffer my way up. Or could it be a lie that I tell myself because I believe things should come the hard way. How odd….

can these 'inner critic' thoughts be how we ''PERCEIVED' not necessarily what what actually verbalized?

About parenting oneself, school system is also part of the fact that we are ashamed. If you don't have the good grades... You are pushing down by school system that is the one to make differences between people : the good ones and the bad ones. The lack of self esteem for many people comes from school to me

Beautiful! 😊❤😊

Some people's get thugs that fight with word's & u remember them ! 💝

Great job 👏

I have a belief that I'm better off without relationships because people fail my expectations of what a healthy, reciprocal relationship should look like. How is that a voice of inner critic?

Is it possible to heal all these things?

The shift into the Aquarian age, the water bearer.

So, I think one needs to determine what is healthy and needed self-criticism and what is destructive. For example, "you are lazy". Does this apply to you always? Thinking universally about it might not be right. For example, you might be resting for a few weeks at the end of a period of hard work. You might just want the rest or quiet time. These are healthy things. Perhaps, on the other hand, you are lazy and not doing something for yourself that you should like taking walks etc. Think it through. This stuff is not black and white or a catastrophy. If you need to make a plan, make one and start yourself up bit by bit. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Measuring up. Or not enough. Or to high strung. Too suspicious or lack trust. Too confrontational. Appear clingy needy every so often. Quiet at times when needing understanding on complex remark or critizms