7 Crazy-Making Tactics That EXPOSE Covert Narcissists 

I was the one trying to be right when we had circular arguments, I'm an engineer, very logical, but she was the one giving me the nonsensical word salads and had the split personality and imagined I believed or said things I didn't believe or say. She used the phrase "surface level conversations" which wasn't something that communicated anything I needed to change. I asked what is something not surface level, she couldn't define it. I called it the ferris wheel, and guessing for 3 weeks after I basically got ghosted as to what the definition was. She didn't like arguing and raised voices, so I stopped raising my voice, but she couldn't take criticism and would make false statements about me all the time, and I felt compelled to defend myself when she just wanted to vent. I tried to get her to put the issues in bullet points on a white board, but she couldn't list one thing and I got mad. She had past trauma and got scared, withheld vital information from me at times to use it against me later, pretending that I should have got the hints without the most important pieces of context, and no clear directive.

Thanks

Just cut my new therapist off after 3 sessions even though she smiled allot, seamed very nice and presented pro image. Kinda shocking. She’s late to 3/3 sessions. Raises her voice higher and higher to maintain conversational dominance. When I learned something from her and was happy about it, she affirmed nothing, it was like I didn’t even speak. Then she pointed out things she thought were problems of mine, and dug in hard and sharp and non stop… Most of what she perceived as a problem was new self esteem improvements I just earned recently, and focused around no longer over valuing people bad for me. Essentially everything I said was wrong and she was 100% right, and I’ll “never improve” according to her unless I’m “open minded” aka hyper cooperate with her. I’m not learning resist and I went to her for a success phobia created mostly from too much Child abuse when I was happy or doing well as a kid. It was exhausting talking with her and to more fully illustrate the deal… she asked me to pick her up from the tire store before our last session… and she was late again and of coarse it wasn’t her fault… It does suck I connected with another “friendly” covert narc. At least it was faster this cray cray cycle.

“Im sorry you feel that way”

Yep.. I got told the other day " I'm sorry your making yourself feel that way. I wish I could take it all away. Now I been ignored for 2 days smh

Shit, you’re lucky if you even get that. I usually hear “I’m sorry but…”

Me too 😢 it's horrible

I have that

Dude. Run.

...my goodness, this is so well described, exactly how I felt after having an argument with my husband.

Voice record your conversations to stay grounded in reality. Then ask yourself while listening back if this is something you want to keep dealing with.

When I dumped my second ex a decade ago, I had held the phone away from my ear and he was imploding so badly that he was just bulldozer rambling without pausing and calling me every insult under the universe and then he accidentally dropped his phone and it hung up on him. Immediately I felt a force lift right off my being which made me know I really became freed. Then I quickly unplugged my phone and ignored my doorbell for the rest of the night. I was done for good. He wanted closure going his way where he won. He’s never getting he’s not going to get it. I ended it but he’s still prolonging it even to this day unfortunately.

How are you now? I'm so sorry I know how it feels 😢

Very true. Great memory and attention span too 🙏❤️

This was my biggest struggle. Almost my entire relationship/marriage I had undiagnosed adhd, and my wife has a near photographic memory. I could never make sense of arguments or “win” because I couldn’t remember what I had for breakfast that morning. Since being on medication for adhd, I’ve been blown away at all the nonsense, redirecting, and false facts my wife brings up, especially when she gaslights, and snaps at nothing.

But I assume word salad really only works in spoken conversation Like you can’t use word salad in text when you can just scroll up

@@flockinggoose1181​⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠ Hi, sorry that you’re going through this. Being in a narcissistic relationship is very painful. Seeing that you have a poor memory, how do you know if what your wife is saying is inaccurate and that she is indeed gaslighting you and lying? In my relationship with my narcissist, I’m the one with the photographic memory and my narcissist gaslights me, misremembers, is dismissive, invalidates me, is verbally and mentally/emotionally abusive towards me and the list goes on. If given the chance, he would also physically abuse me, as he’s threatened to shoot me before. He’s a police officer with loads of access to guns. I also do think he has a memory problem. You’re in a similar situation as mine but the roles are reversed somewhat where he accuses me of fabricating/manufacturing issues to serve an agenda, essentially calling me a liar, but I have never done so. I told him repeatedly that I hate lies and because of the narcissistic abuse I’ve experienced at the hands of my family growing up to right now as an adult, which included and includes gaslighting, dishonesty and various forms of abuse, I know how to recognize these traits in others, don’t take kindly to being subjected to any of it, and so I wouldn’t gaslight or knowingly be dishonest to anyone or about anything. I asked him recently seeing that, according to him and my own observations, he can hardly remember conversations that happened the same day, even within minutes, how can he be sure I’m fabricating anything if he has such a poor memory? I’m still waiting for an answer, but I won’t hold my breath. Also, he claims I have OCD. I told him even if that’s the case, and I’m not doubting that, there are studies that show that OCD and lying do not go hand in hand. If anything, people with OCD tend to have compulsive honesty. Do you think your wife, because of her photographic memory, gets frustrated because she might be telling the truth and you remember it differently because of your ADHD? That happens in my relationship where I know I have the memory of an elephant, but he twists things because of his narcissism and because he’s wicked. It’s the weirdest, twilight zone thing ever. I’m not justifying your wife snapping, and I doubt that you’re wicked or anything like my narcissist, but maybe you guys can benefit from counseling, so she can truly understand ADHD and how it affects memory and how she can learn to be gentle, accommodating and understanding, loving, kind to both your needs instead of seemingly trying to “win.” All the best. It’s tough in these narcissistic streets 😅🤗

I started recording my conversations with my Narc wife. Listening back keeps me grounded in reality.

It is a demon. I saw them in my ex.

They can't hear you.

I get sucked into….then I’m blamed for the word salad said. Them I’m like well, THEY started it, and they say that’s childish…..

I’m in this place right now. All the best and stay positive, you’ve got this!

@@lewis809 Thank you! ❤️

You need to leave

It’s 2 am here too . I’m in the middle of a divorce with a covert narcissist of 30 yrs. Ugh . I hope you are doing well

Everyone makes a mistake, right? Omg! He assaulted me Dec 5. I’m sorry for the “ mistake “! Ffs . I’m in the middle of a divorce

I see what you did there, lol.

Seriously, my narc found me right as my mother was dying.

This is happening to me right now. I find the constant repeating of questions ive already answered really really hard and frustrating.

It’s been making me feel crazy. Just found this video.

@@GlitteryflapsAlso happening to me right now. She literally just left out of the house less than an hour ago trying to tell me she didn’t say something she did and I said something I didn’t say.

That's a non-apology. A therapist advising me and my (then) husband on how to deal with my parents, who always expected an apology but never gave one, told us to give a non-apology to appease them. It was: I'm sorry you feel that way, that wasn't my intention. I never used that on anyone else, but I have had it used on me by my now ex. It's like he forgot where we learned that technique and that I WAS THERE! 😂

Or “I’m sorry, but. lol. Every time with the but lol. Mine would be like , you walked in the door with a certain energy so it made me react this way lol

The narcissist woman I dated said the same thing. She drove me to severe depression and suicidal thoughts

It maybe a good idea to set up bank accounts where everything bill related is automatically set up to be direct debited. Have another account for saving whereby it's a contract locked in with the bank that can't be touched earning interest. The bill paying account has a portion of it for a fixed discretionary personal allowance which includes the children. That way everyone learns and then maintains the habit of thinking about the value of time in relationship to money. You are protected financially and the arrangement takes care of everyone. If your wife became a member of a goodie two shoes hobby she could focus her attention on something practical that she does instead of whining. I could give tips on how to be infuriating and reverse their behavior but it's not dignified, is high conflict and would set a bad example for your children so I suggest you learn from wise people like this lady. Take care.

Oh you will...hear from her again. Best have your mind made up and a response ready...cuz it will be good. My guess 🤓

What are you referring to? Going over their head for what?

Yes! It’s so childish

Yes yes yes, my sister, oh GEEZ! She’s so incredibly thin skinned when I like, for example explain why I believe Starbucks is better than like say Dutch Bros…she’s got such a STRONG opinions against Starbucks due to politics..well, ok, I disagree w/Starbucks policies, but my point was ONLY regarding how they invest money on seeking out the BEST possible coffee farms. She became so incredibly combative, making ME out to be a know-it-all, opinionated, have to be right etc etc. it drove her NUTS when I said, “No, look it’s ok YOU don’t like Starbucks, I’m not offended by that that you prefer The other place, but YOURE expecting ME to literally honor and praise YOUR choice. She’s SO incredibly SELf focused that it somehow reflects badly in her that I don’t agree with her opinion….IT IS JUST AN OPINION. GEEZ, like I can’t have my own thoughts, views, opinions etc etc etc….this is. Very trivial example of my sisters rediculousness.

If someone can act horribly, like they want to, then shortly thereafter act like nothing happened, that's a working definition of entitlement. I get to do whatever I want whether you like it or not... whether it makes sense or not, whether it benefits this relationship or not. I don't care. THAT'S entitlement.

@@allieeverett9017 never thought of it that way, but it makes sense. Thanks for weighing in on this. I learned something new. Most people would probably say that it was obvious, but I only figured this out what I have been dealing with for many years, a few years ago and really start to plumb the depths of what I didn't understand, mostly because I can't imagine treating someone that way, in my wildest dreams.

It sounds like you’re describing borderline personality disorder, more than narcissism even though people with BPD often display rapid mood swing type meltdowns, and then are fine two minutes later, but don’t quite fit the manic profile or narcissism either. Call with people with CPTSD. Did she have a lot of trauma or a chaotic/unstable childhood and messy parents?

Oh my God that's horrific. I'm sorry that happened to you.

@@alouise3557 Yes, it was really bad but I still can't hate my mother. I feel sorry for her because she will never have the ability to love anyone, not even herself. We have a cordial relationship, with a safe distance. I like to share these experiences because they are learning experiences.

so true

I am a caretaker for a covert narc. A stroke "victim". She expects me to read her mind. I keep explaining to her that if she wants my help she must treat me like a human being and ask for what she needs. We have our days, but I never let her off the hook. She is quite trying, even in her state 😑

Infj here too. Oldest daughter called Mom out on her stuff after her divorce. Boom, Im on the outside. Its not us❤

On that note, if you see circular reasoning, because it's a logical fallacy, you can just call it out and toss out their argument. You're not going to get through to them because they are literally being unreasonable, and figuratively, trying to reason with them is like talking to a doll with a pull string.

You need to change your screen name! That is NOT who you are. Find a strong, healthy 💪 name because THAT IS who you are! ❤

The chicken and egg problem of every narcissistic relationship, sounds like you got angry as a response to things that you felt shouldn't have been happening. Anger is a powerful motivatior and if it got you out of that situation it's a good things you got angry. Sure you might not be proud of the anger, you're hopefully safer now and can work to reduce those feeling if they come up as a response to remembering those situations. The narcissist that I had the misfortune of dating was the exact same way, allergic to accountability, selective memory and absurdly calm like 95% of the time, had me convinced I might be borderline.

@@Alexis-dy1ny I appreciate you taking time to give me your perspective. It’s great food for thought. I think even if I may not be a narcissist I definitely do struggle w codependency which is probably what put me in that situation. I agree that it’s a good thing I was able to get out of it. I think I’m in a better place to start working on that without being constantly triggered.

They’re calm and indeed happy inside because they got u all riled up and that is very entertaining to them. Mission accomplished!

This is what mine just did yesterday. On his best behavior for a couple weeks, newly sober (horrible alcoholic.) He treated me so wonderfully but in this time, he still used little methods to do things that upset me and he knew it. One was making me feel very devalued during intimacy. He wanted no emotional connection- just due it to get it overwith. Of course I had acted so happy but yet he knew he was doing exactly the same thing that had upset me before. I didn't want to upset him so I never said anything. It started building up... all the things he'd done, like never adding me back on Facebook after the last time he broke me down, or never saying I love you back on texts or being vague when talking about us. Things like that really bothered me. Once I finally started waiting a while to respond, he'd say "what's wrong?" I finally started explaining and he immediately said "I knew it wouldn't be long before the crazy came out, it didn't even involve alcohol this time." He instantly devalued me, didn't have any rebuttals, just said he would talk to me another time. I immediately connected it to his 2 years of stonewalling, went into full blown self protection mode and pulled the plug. I told him to have my stuff ready and went to pick it up by his mailbox. I left, went to a hilltop and cried so hard I almost got sick 3x but nothing would come up, I just kept bending over to be sick and crying. In the midst of my hysteria, I kept saying "What have I done???!!" I sat in my car for 9 hours devastated. I've felt this devastation before and I'd always call him to get him back. HE'D NEVER call me first. It was humiliating to always be the one to go to him. Here I sit in another field, trying so hard not to message him, though I know I'm blocked.

Leave and don't look back. It's only going to get worse. You can do it. It's most likely you are trauma bonded and codependent on "mommy dearest." You will look back and hate yourself for staying , been there -done that. Finally, broke it all off and I have never been more calm- even alone (my dad passed in 2012) miss him so much. My mother, brother and sister have conspired in stealing inheritances, slander, pathological lying, alcoholism, you name it. I will NEVER go back. I know that I had a very low level /vibration and everyone I was around, matched my energy. I also married a horrible narcissistic/psychopathic man, and his family and friends were the most demonic, satanic cult of narcissists. Run, love! Get out before you end up being driven crazy as well as slandered into the ground!Call a domestic violence hotline if you don't have a support system! Just wait until you are happy , doing things you love to do, moving up higher and she cant go with you! God bless you!