The love of potential is one of the greatest downfalls and one of the biggest coping mechanisms. It's basically overpowering hope that things can be better inspite of a harsh reality. This only brings more pain as it false hope and a projection of an inner reality onto people who simply will never be that way. Learned this with friends and family, if someone is unwilling to change they will not change.
Self-centered, lack of empathy, unpredictable mood, always confuses you and makes you suspect that they hide something from you and lastly they lack accountability
@garycapili9193 It was precarious when he accused me of having a sexual encounter in a public loo with a random guy. I asked if he really thought I was like that. Made me feel like poop.
@@lisaward8216 I brought it up, that he always says I'm a victim...he was VERY clear to correct me that I ACT like a victim, I'm not one. He's soooo good to me, where does this come from, etc. He definitely knows what he's saying & why... Total shame spiral
If you are chosen by a narcissist, it is because you are a good person. They choose you because you are so much better than them and they feel better if they can pull you down. So congrats to you! You are a great person an have so much to offer to the world! Losing them is dodging a bullet.
I don't necessarily think that narcissists target "good" people; they target people who struggle with maintaining boundaries and who have a tendency to put others' needs above their own. neither of those things automatically equate to someone being a good person.
@@KP-5928 I think they target good people. They want to hurt and control people better than them, because that makes them feel better. They get energy from bringing other people down. They really suck all energy out. Narcissist also hate younger people. They want to suck their youth out of them. I speak from experience. I have seen and experienced it very close…
#1 thing is they blame you for everything. #2 is they have no self awareness so they are always right. #3 is they never apologize for their personal attacks & rage.
THEY LIE AND EXPEXT YOU TO FIX IT ANDDD still trust them and care for them..and when theyre confronted about why its not working...we are made out to be the villain for how weve changed...leaving me feeling conflicted and resentful
I was on the hamster wheel for 23 years , giving him 110% . . . One day my eyes opened during a phase when he had reverse discarded me . . . He did this often assuming that I could never leave coz I had tolerated it for so long and I had gotten married to stay married . One day he came from work to find me gone . . . Its 2 years since I left . . . I dont know how I came out sane . . . It's been 4 years of insomnia , BP . . . But I am on the healing path now . I pray daily for God to heal my soul wounds and to heal the trauma . . .
@@nikicarrie4071 Nothing , he could do nothing . . . It was too late . . . And I told him in no uncertain terms that I was done and NEVER going back . . . I reached the wall . . . And I decided to climb over it and find my freedom . . .
Narcissists will ALWAYS play victim, throw temper tantrums and blame everyone else but themselves for their words and actions. No matter what you do or say, they'll never be happy. It never gets better!
TRUE !! BEEN THERE FOR 50 years. Yeah really. Terrible life. Mentally ill idiots ! Mean as can possibly be Like a devil in them They are really unbelievable!
Yup. My soon to be ex husband was so open to talking about his emotions in the beginning. He made it easy to open up. I told him things I had never told anyone. And then the devaluation phase started, and he used everything I told him to totally discredit any negative emotions I had around anything he did. Even when it made zero sense.
100% My recently ex-wife was more than happy to use and twist every vulnerability, every secret, every childhood trauma of mine, and make up new ones, as a weapon in her rages, with absolutely zero hesitation.
Apology is not saying sorry. It's validating how someone feels because of what we've done. Telling the other person how it is wrong to hurt them, and how we intend to fix it.. and fixing it. Showing that it really hurt us to hurt the other person, and we truly understand what happened and we want to heal the relationship. Personally, I've never encountered that.
Made me cry to read your comment. It’s so true and so very hurtful and worst of all there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. Love is not enough.
I had to stop talking to my mom, because she treats me and my sisters like we are her work gossip. It was crap when my old man had to stay with her when he had the stroke. It was super awkward. Would you allow yourself to be taken in by an ex who says you are always the problem but doesn't mind helping themselves to your money. My mother has been scamming my old man for years. Same happened to my grandfather. He realized too late on his death bed that his new wife was only after his military benefits. She blocked him from his previous family(my dad being one of eight kids).
I admitted to mine that I was in such a bad place I'd been self harming. It was painful to admit and I was frightened, he glanced down at my cuts and just said "oh right" like I had just shown him a new nail polish. Then went back to watching TV.
They are nice as long as you play their games and don’t question them . Never say no, never have needs and never set boundaries. Then you will be panished. They are brutal.
Spot on.🙏🏼 I have to write this down .. the mental fog after interacting with one is no joke . YOU KNOW deep down after a while what's going on,but you also feel all their projections and feelings in YOUR body until it shuts you down if you're not careful. It leads to such a state of burnout on all levels of you stay with them and makes you sick you start to feel that you are this awful person they want you to believe that. REMIND yourself over and over that YOU ARE NOT. It's like you have to rewire and heal your brain back to a state you were in before. It changes your brain. But it can be healed. One BIG sign is you always feel drained after talking or being near them and one example can be GUT PROBLEMS like cramps, feeling sick like you're about to throw up. It's your body and soul saying get rid off this toxic being and cleanse yourself. It's like drinking poison. No joke! You also feel tension in your body. So listen to what you body is trying to tell you. I my case I even had dreams that warned me to get out. Like a guardian angel standing beside the road to say, get out let them drive away on their own and save yourself. They can't control you, they can and will hurt you as long as you stay though. Sharing this in hope that it can be helpful even if it only reaches one person
@@mbernesdotter6881so true ,constant tension in my body and soon I want to set boundaries he will kick of and saying he is done and Slag me off ,never apologise and soon I say I am done and have enough they he will start to be calm and nice again to pull me back .
Matthew, please hear me when I say this as a therapist and an individual who has earned a doctorate in community care and counseling marriage and family therapy, you are by far the most intuitive, accurate, compassionate and thoughtful individual to present on this topic. Thank you. for what you're doing for your world and the way in which you do it. Truly phenomenal. I'm grateful. Blessings and love to you and your family.
Of all the videos I’ve watched on this subject, this one has the most truth and powerful statements!! I lost track of the times you said something and I thought, “Yes!!” I think somehow there is envy involved with their behavior. I’ve noticed this is the motivation behind some of the mean things said or done. They are so insecure, even seeing you have compassion on them makes them feel so ashamed of their limitations, they don’t know how to handle that.
Not only are they not THERE for us during our darkest hour, they may actually BE THERE ONE causing us that most excruciating pain. -and be “spitting” on our pain…that THEY’RE causing!!
when he sent me to the mental hospital and have me negging to take care of me after I told him it was like I just came out of a heart surgery and you are punching me in the heart.
@@carolinasanchez8541- I am waiting for him to try this with me.. sadly I was in the hospital for 8/9days (I honestly can’t even remember 😢) and the entire time my older children had to take care of my animals - he was sleeping at some women’s house - while cheating with two other ones TOO😡- I found that all out almost a year later .. and now 21 of them.. I swear the anxiety attacks and all the panic attacks .. are going to give me a heart attack/stroke. I was just given a workbook to do, but I am hoping to purchase the actual book for myself before I get in to the work book. It is called your body keeps the score and reading some reviews made me seriously want to read the book !! The workbook is good- just need to get my brain FIXED- because I feel like I can’t even focus and absorb information anymore.. 😢😢😢 I’m sending positive vibes to everyone who has suffered or is still suffering 💞💫
When being with someone with narcissistic traits, it can be hard to trust your own judgment because they manipulated you so much. But that being said, one of the most obvious signs you can rely on is: when they constantly mistake your good intentions as bad intentions or manipulation. You know in your heart how you really feel about them, so don’t let them tell you how YOU feel. If they try to paint you as the villain, don’t make the weak mistake of believing them (we’ve all been there and it sucks). Stand up for your truths, and don’t placate their false beliefs to make them stay with you.
Thank you for your insightful contribution... which rang true for me. My spouse was recovering from major surgery a while back, and I was doing my best to be helpful (he was mobility-impaired for a few weeks). My attempts at being helpful were met with accusations of being "a control freak", "hovering" and "doing things that HE didn't ask for" (although I knew they would help). I got so fed up with his attitude that I finally said "Fine. I won't lift a finger and take the initiative to be helpful. If you get really stuck, let me know and I'll help if it's convenient for me to do so". (Of course, he then accused me of being a jerk because of my reaction!).
It. Is so hard because your constantly questioning yourself. Like wow, I was really trying to help But I just the worst person who doesn't know how to do that? Until you realize you're the same person you always were.It's just a problem with this one . But they are so convincing.
You nailed it! After being with my now ex, for 30 years, when he finally admitted his double life, it was just like, "How did I not see this? how could I not know this?" I really did not have a clue. And then, because the reality hit me, I doubted my ability to trust anything or anyone. The world seemed different to me. I remember taking a hike by myself and even the trees and bushes did not seem real to me. Life was not how I saw it. It turned my life upside down. It took years, but eventually I moved on, and now I am remarried to a wonderful man. Could not be happier! I thrived! 🤩
After my mom passed away, my narcissistic spouse of 30 years did not support me at all. In fact, he would make insensitive comments, and he blew 3/4 of my inheritance on a new truck for himself. Lesson learned ... don't ever expect an ounce of empathy from a narcissist or have a joint bank account with a narcissist. 😢
My old man would work long hours. Of course my greedy mother would have access to the account. He keeps telling me that only she had access to their account. She was obviously taking money and making excuses to give it to her brother. The worse part is she really thought it was going to work on me. I was in AIT in the Army. I get a call from her saying her and my sister opened my mail, and tried to get into my account to help pay for it. Must not have gotten the memo that these bills can be paid online or something. Yes, when I enlisted it didn't take long for her to show me off to her unsatiable family. I wanted to just go in and not have to see her annoying narc family. I was able to accomplish this with Trucking--No fanfare. Haha, low status job to the elitard family, who lies about why father disappear...
This is such a beautiful quote. "No matter what season you are in, it is never too late while you are still breathing to take all of the love that you have and point it in a direction where it will do good and blossom into something beautiful, for you and for somebody else." It makes me think a lot...
Never ever any slightest "I am sorry". But: "You are so much overreacting ! It's always the same thing ! I am tired of it" Thank you Matthew, this is the most healing video I've ever watched on this subject.
Even if you do get an apology, they think saying the word “sorry” is enough when it obviously aren’t. Orrrr they’ll tell you “just tell me what you want me to say” so they don’t have to think about how to actually apologize, and instead can just know the magical words to say to you that’ll get you to stop talking about what they’ve done wrong It’s truly disturbing how their minds operate
My mother was a narcissist. I'm 68 and I've only just learned about this condition. Everything now falls into place and I realise why I was so unhappy as a child and so damaged. But this knowledge has given me the strength to move forward. A bit late in the day, sadly, but now I'm FREE!
May I ask how that shaped you? Did you get traits from your parent and if so, did you realize this and that this was a bad trait during that time when you did not realize your parent was a narcisist? If you have one or more of the traits mentioned in the video, could you try to expain if it is iust grinded into you? LIke, is it taught behavior and you are just copying without thinking, without passing this by your feelings, or is it a conclusion coming from your feelings.
This is exactly true. It took me five long years to realize I was involved with a narcissist. I was so naive. I had never met one. I was a shell of my formerly strong self by the time I finally got rid of him. He was so angry when I finally threw him out of MY home that he threatened to put a scope on me from a half mile away and shoot me through my sliding doors some night. They are soooo good at convincing you that their actions are YOUR fault and always deny saying and doing things that they ABSOLUTELY said and did. They are masters of gaslighting. What disorients your reality is they can be sooo nice for two or three months and you think “maybe I AM crazy, maybe it IS me” like he keeps telling you. No it’s not you. These people are damaged. You can’t fix them no matter how much you love their good version. You will be destroyed doing that.
@blueskiesatx it's just so crazy how many people say they were only a shell of their former self at the end. me too, unfortunately. I had one or two breakups in my life, but never did I feel and experienced this kind of pain, abuse, and confusion. It's a totally different experience.I still have to process wtf happened and who this person was...
This is what got me for years...couldn't understand how someone couldn't have integrity or a care in the world about betraying and breaking someone's heart. It's hard to see them as human beings, my ex at least. Because human beings act human!
The broken clock being right twice a day is a very accurate way to describe a relationship with a narcissist! Good respectful behaviour should be a constant...not a once in a while event!
"I don't care what season you are in, it is never too late while you are still breathing to take that LOVE somewhere else..." Thank you💓I felt that message loud and clear. 🙏🏽 I am at a crossroads and needing all the support, validation, and clarity to be confident in my choice to move on.
I left , but the only person I can love right now is me . I don't foresee myself in another relationship in the near or distant future . . . I am totally drained . . .
Me too. At 74 years old I feel like I’m in a wasteland. What I never hear talked about though is the rich narcissist and the golden handcuffs that come with that situation. That’s mine.
The "ease to move on" is remarkable. They could literally break someone's bones and not only move on with ease but they will completely forget they ever did it. Crazy!!
Believing that the bone breaking was the injured person's fault, telling everyone that the injured person actually broke THEIR bones, devising revenge against the injured person for having broken bones instead of "really believing in them" and staying unharmed... And it goes on
Well they do forget it, but if you bring it up later on, even years later, they will swaer you must have "done something" to set them off or been on their case all day about something before they finally snapped. Nope.
A rough quote: “The fact that you can be thrown to the curb by the narcissist, as if you never existed, and at lightening speed, is the most disorienting thing of all. “ That is the most accurate description of how I have been feeling. The word ‘disorienting’ is the word I’ve been searching for and even it is an understatement. I feel like no one can understand the magnitude and enormity of how absolutely disorienting and invalidating it feels to have suffered an injustice such as this.
I know exactly how you feel! It's like our 27 year relationship/ 25 year marriage didn't matter at all. He was moving on the day after he said he wanted a divorce.
You gave me some understanding Matthew. Living through this now. Can’t even recognize him anymore. Just got out of the hospital due to a lot of what you explained here. No accojntability. No explainations and just cruelty. Picking up the pieces. While he’s living his life holding my things hostage and I’m re- learning how to walk. Not just mentally but actually physically.
Eight years with a person that I did so much for, gave my time and energy, made a top priority in my life. This person left me eight days into an emergency hospitalization/surgery that almost took my life and had me in the ICU for 4 weeks. He spent two weeks, after he walked out of that hospital room, sending me vile texts messages and giving me the “reasons” he had to go. Those messages kept coming for 8 months, in between asking me if I was healed now and if we could try again. I told him there was no way I could forgive him walking out on me and then saying awful, hurtful things to me. It’s been one year and I still play the whole thing over in my head each night when I lay down to rest. I am 53. Thank God I didn’t waste another 20 years trying to make things work with someone of this character. I’ll never understand it.
Dear brandimcmillen4005! Good for you that you are now free of such an abusive person. I think, people from the “dark tetrad” kind (earlier called: “dark triad”) in a way similar to colourblind people, of course the difference is that they are not blind to certain colors, but in a way blind to… well, to a lot of emotional things. Thus, they consider you and others, like you consider elaborate tools. They learn to mimic the behaviour what - to them - seems like THE behaviour which, if they apply, they can efficiently get what they want. This works a bit similarly to how a colorblind person can get by in everyday life: The order (and shape) of certain traffic lights can be used to know if I can now walk or not, instead of seeing the actual color itself. Of course: Similarly to how you generally shouldn’t trust a colorblind person’s color vision in case your life depends on their judgement of color, one shouldn’t trust a narcissist in matters which have anything to do with emotions. I know, it is a bit more subtle than this, but I think, for all practical purposes, this is a usable way of thinking. I wrote all this, because you wrote that you’ll never understand it. To me it was also something what I could not understand, and they infuriated me. But looking at it like this, I can emltionally allow myself to see them similar to crocodiles or snakes: even if I mean no harm for them and maybe I can be generous and loving to a crocodile, I will never be able to teach that animal to not see me like food. (Maybe for a while he wouldn’t bite me, but as soon as he is really hungry…)
I'm sorry that happened. It's unimaginable how they think they didn't do anything wrong. The gift is you realized who they really are and got away from them. Hard to part with what we thought we had as far as any relationship. It was a situationship catering to only themselves.Thank goodness you weren't married to them and then found out their true colors. It will never make sense but gets easier to not ruminate as time goes forward. 8 years knew, 2 years dated in late 40s, 5 years post narc and zero thoughts of him now. Felt like he stoke years of mine into my 50s. But staying strong, going permanently no contact is absolutely freeing. Grateful to know what we know now is keeps me going in a positive direction. You'll get there.
I got him probiotic drinks for his stomach ache ..god the abuse i got. His birthday gifts which were expensive perfumes got abuse ‘why couldn’t you get me clothes’. Awful person.
I have been married to a narcissist for 8 years and we have a 16 years old daughter now. It was incredibly difficult to let go of the humiliation, the pain, the anxiety...as so many of you, I was a wreck for a very long time... My daughter is going through a very tough time, she cannot stand the presence of her father anymore, and has realised so much about him. It is so sad and hard for such a young soul to deal with things like that. Still, we have to deal with the pain he put us through. Better days are ahead, I hope that with the help of people close to us, she will happy, acknoleging all her greatness. We are still undergoing therapy... Love to all of you, who have suffered a relationship with a narcissist. Nothing is wrong with you, you are great, just run!!!
“For a narcissist, our empathy isn’t seen as some beautiful quality that signifies our value, our empathy is seen as their ticket to do whatever they want. It is seen as their perpetual get out of jail free card any time they want to get their needs met in any disrespectful or terrible way. And they know at the end of any terrible behaviour they can always rely on, and because of their entitlement, expect forgiveness” WOW. I’m ashamed of myself for putting up with it for so long.
if you’re a parent or sibling of a narcissist it’s not as easy as ending a relationship. It’s literally a living hell with very little understanding from the outside world
@cracklecreek imagine being a child of an alcoholic narcissist😢 I've cut them out of my life a year ago and realized he really didn't miss his daughter, he misses the idea of having a daughter.
This is so true. My father and sister both have this character disturbance. Pathological liars, deeply jealous, prolific gaslighters, grandiose personalities and self-belief.... It's true misery. I think about just escaping to the other side of the world and changing my name.... I seriously might do that one day
@@Mintychops I was just thinking , we need to address the issue of women with children With an abusive dad. More understanding please. And how do you help the abused little old lady? People just make things worse. I got a big dog.😁
An illusionary relationship. Twenty years with a narcissist. It took me 7 years to heal from the hell he put me through. Since I have left him nearly 10 years ago, my happiness scale is at its highest. Thank you Matthew for making people aware about narcissism, as it needs to be talked about.
i hear the demon thing a lot, and with all the narcs ive had dealings with, ive never seen it. ive seen plenty stupidity/ignorance in its highest degree, but never any need to hit them w a splash of holy water?
@@lilfairycupcake I was a very rational man like you but after my spiritual awakening it all became clear. Yes they are agents of the devil and if you live mindfully you will notice the orchestration! Try just to turn to God for a while and they will start to pop up in your life unexpectedly and it will be so obvious you will not doubt because God will do his part of work to show you the truth. God does not want you to perish, yes he is mysterious and vengeful, but trust me, you do not understand the bigger picture. Try and you'll see that narcs are literally chosen by Satan like Jesus was chosen by God. Ps. I repeat, DO NOT FALL FOR IT. Do not be very logical because it's a trap!
@@lilfairycupcakecan’t say if you’re just not close to God or you’re overlooking or not paying attention but whatever the reason doesn’t matter. I’m not saying to trust anybody saying narcissist are demons because some are not even aware of their narcissism, however the ones that are truly know they are evil and don’t care that one day they will have to answer to God. I’ve never heard one say so but their actions will make you believe they can “trick” God into his kingdom and “trick” the universe into not getting their bad karma. They are so delusional it’s insanity what they will say and believe. The narc I used to deal with had a demon in her. You can see their face and eyes turn into the demon inside them. I never thought anything like that was remotely possible. They have many demons in them it’s frightening to look at those monsters for who they really are and you can’t unsee it.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder started to make sense to me once I realised that Narcissists are literally physically addicted to the chemicals generated in their brain & body when they cause others pain & distress.
I was with a person like that, I was married for 14 years, I almost lost my mind. One day he treated me like a queen and another like the biggest shit. He was unfaithful to me and I had a son with that person. He has never apologized; and even more so, he dares to say that I was to blame for what he did. Thank God I'm free of such a being. It is one of the most unpleasant experiences that a human being can live.😢
I was in similar situation. Feel that. Extremely hard to trust after putting all ur trust on a person you've been married to 13 or 14 yrs. For them to go live a double life then blame you for that happening. Extremely hard to trust after that.
@@suzettechristine8609 it has been difficult to be myself again and trust people, but for my own good I have decided to enter into a process of forgiveness and healing, I have only learned to be patient and understanding that it will take time to be completely well again, since this type of relationship leaves sequels.
And now you reduce him to a single word to make yourself feel better. Dont forget to take some accountability for your own part in the story of your lives.
@@tammydietschweiler7852 Accountability is kryptonite to the narcissistic. That's the point. IF you aren't narcissistic, you actually will look at yourselves in the morror of truth, and not the water of self-deception. If you aren't narcissistic, you know you have/had a part to play, and won;t pretend everyone else but you is responsible/accountable, for what happens, in YOUR LIVES. I'm not kidding. It's fundamental adulthood/adulting. It's what adults have to do, to be adults, and competent parents. If you can't do that. (each of you on an individual basis) You do you. Whatever helps you sleep at night. 'You stayed with him for 14 years, and suddenly he's been reduced down to 'a narcissist'.' Ok. 🤣Has he reduced you down to a 'narcissist' or was he going about his business? (rhetorical) Everyone makes mistakes. Nobody's perfect. (including, each and every one, of you, and that's fine. Learn from them.) It takes two to tango. Many believe themselves empathic, when all you really are, is emotional and self-absorbed. Communicate like adults. (Rather than expecting telepathy and codependence). If there is a lack/failure to cooperate, you know where you stand, and need to leave. If you didn't, it was your mistake, not his. How will you avoid making the same mistakes again? You'll probably make the same mistakes again, if you don't recognize that you did to begin with. It's what makes you human, in the same capacity, that your exes, were/are human. Were you there? No. I wasn't even taking to you. But the point stands. You've all got to reflect on yourselves (inflect). Inner and outer work, girls. He might have already done his, while he was with you, (and other women). What is wrong with you? You should really take a look in the mirrror, behind all the makeup, just once every now and then, girls. If you don't, you'll forever be living in a world of self-delusion. Puppets in a pantomime. 15 years. (Picard facepalm). Man's empathy is how they feed. Independent seed. Codependent feed. Don't hate the player. 😅
14:05 Point no 5: It was the night before my father’s funeral, I was a mess and the only adult member of my family left , trying to hold it together…and she started playing silly mind games and then ghosted me that evening. In the last few previous years, I had lost my brother, mother, wife and then father. And she said she was suffering more than me as she had to support me in my grief . That’s when I realised what she was really like.
When we left my dying Grandmother’s bedside for the last time (he ignored me while there) and he screamed at me for 3 full hours on the drive home while driving erratically, all because I had mentioned wanting to return to the workforce earlier that day…. That was my wake up moment. I left him a few days later. It’s been almost a year of no contact now and it’s been a brutal year of healing because you do cry. You do question your entire relationship. But the healing is necessary. ❤
Seven years together. She tried to emasculate me and diminish me. I was always the culprit. Everything was very subtle. I got depressed over the years. Last year, I lost my job and couldn't handle the situation. She said, "Calm down, take your time." Well, she left in February after two weeks of silent treatment. I had two wisdom teeth surgeries that month. She couldn't care less; she was disgusted by me. So she left when I was depressed, unemployed, and in physical pain. She took her stuff, our dog, and went to her mum's from one day to another. Two weeks later, she had her new supply. So, yes, being discarded and "replaced" after seven years, and now treated like shit, can be very traumatic. Edit: Thank you all for your kind words and for sharing your opinion 🙏
I can identify with your experiences, the ex (16 years married) left me nine weeks after I had life saving surgery, one of his many reasons "things change it's time to move on" ??? Much later found out he was online the night of my surgery looking for other women. Seven months later he texted me that he was divorcing me( he was visiting the girlfriend). He cleaned out our joint bank accounts, lied to family and friends, the irony I am in therapy for what he did when he should be in therapy😂. Thanks to friends,family and work colleagues and a good therapist I am starting to heal.
Thats tought, terribly sorry to hear that. I had similar dealings. Its actually very surprising how similar these narcs are and their base level. Crummy people to say the least.
Stay strong bro. If you are correct about her being a narc then realize she never loved you, narcs don't know how to love. Move on from her. And do not take her back. Keep your sanity n work on yourself. Get your life back together. I'm working on myself after discarding my female narc.
True this, mine had her orbiters around, posted thirst pictures on her social media and called me controlling when I raised the issue. Women say they want you to be emotionally available , the minute you are you lat this behavior into your life.
Wow, every single point resonated with me. What a horrific trap narcissistic relationships are. It takes years to recover, and once you think that you have, you find out that you haven't totally recovered. It's so taxing.
I was in an insane relationship with a narc for seven years, during which time I completely lost any sense of myself and ended up believing the problem was me. Intermixed with the madness were moments of pure elation where I thought I was loved after all, but then I was discarded one day and then ghosted. It took a few years to recover from that and I have since married a wonderful man who has no narc tendencies at all. Believe me, I've looked! Sometimes it's difficult to believe that there are good people out there who would never intentionally harm you, but they are out there. Don't give up.
Having been married for 20 years and having two children with a narcissist, I can confirm that your message is SPOT ON! Thank you for providing such clear validation to those struggling to "fix" someone who cannot be "fixed." You are wise beyond your years!!
@@brianna-u7q Why was adding the "he has a new gf" part necessary? Of course he is going to move on from you lmao ??? Maybe you were the one making him consume all the alcohol. Men tend to drink alcohol due to overwhelming stress, which you clearly failed to understand.
@remarkable937 i mean if they fid it to us...and we do it back..they dont like it...theyll rage..i hate the double standards...with a passion trust me...its not right to get upset with a partner who we lie to and then expect them to not do the same back to us. And thats what i got lol and made to feel crazy for it...and insecure asf...until i realized it wasnt right...and havung to explain how its fucked up and how my trust is broken...they will NEVER understand. .and when if they do...itll be too late i suppose...if they do even contemplate it all...
I met a narcissist who was married. He was cheating on his wife with many women, I was not the only one. He was absolutely charming, affectionate, generous, cheerful until I found out and confronted him. Again he tried to convince me with more lies...no remorse, no apologies...etc. He consistently needed validation from others (boss, colleagues, wife, friends...etc) Everybody was mean to him, or didn't recognize his accomplishments....etc. After awhile one gets so confused. I began to educate myself about a narcissist's behavior. He fits all the description of a true narcissist. I feel deeply sorry for his wife and his child who are going to suffer a lot living with this individual. Thank you for the video.
I finally was able to stop being abused because I set boundaries. It was painful. But 8 yrs of trying is too many…you would think. But I truly loved until that moment happened. When you know you, you know. You’ll know it has to be finally over. Self preservation
The story of my life: raised by narcissistic parents, former partners who were also narcissistic, current "best friend" who is a narcissist too. I found all this out six months ago. I'm currently in psychotherapy trying to heal, because the damage narcissistic people do in our lives is devastating 💔
@@Coolgirl1309 Yep It Is So Very Sad Messed Thinking A So Called Friend Would Hurt You When You Told Them What You Have Been Through ! & I Have Been In Really Bad Relationships In My Younger Years ! & Even Now ! 😢 STEPH 🤓 7.21.2024
i can't imagine that at all. Just left a narc 3 days ago who i was with in a ldr for over a year and it was draining and i tried to explain so much why i should be treated better. The manipulation is crazy and does get to you and it is devastating and heart wrenching and for me to have deep love for someone like that. I hope your journey gets better and i hope you find a ''best friend'' that is actually a good person...👋😭
Thanks Matthew! This video of yours hit so close to home. I built a life with a pure narcissist for over 20 years. it was an extremely toxic and abusive relationship. When i first met this man, he was broke and I did not care. He took a student loan, my dad had also helped him financially and asked the bank to secure him a student visa to America. I left my career back in Singapore and went to America with him. I was young and naive then. He really was not the kind person I thought he was. I could not leave because I knew if I left him then, he would not be able to finish his college with not much support. I was soft-hearted, stayed on and thought things would get better. Like you have mentioned, sometimes he was very sweet. So the bad moments just getting worse after he completed college and got a job in America. His behavior had gotten a whole lot worse when he became successful. He would flirt with other women, and likely cheated behind my back. When I found those suggestive text messages and pictures on the shared ipad, he would call me crazy, overreacting and got so mad with me for invading his privacy. I had been shoved, fell backwards and physically dragged out of the elevator by him. I dare not tell my friends and family back in Singapore. Gaslighting was a common practice at home until at times I started to doubt myself. He would get angry and yelled at me for the slightest thing or for no apparent reason. I was humiliated, body shamed among many other things. In the end, I found out he was also cheating with our neighbor too. I am so glad I have finally put this behind me. It is true that he has used my empathy and kindness as his ticket to mistreat me. I have done nothing wrong to this man, yet I was discarded by him when I was no longer of use to him as he became a big shot in Singapore. He is now a COO of a startup company in Singapore. He got away from doing so many bad things, yet I am still trying to recover from the past abuse and trauma. Till this day, he is still haunting me by stalking me on social media; I have suspicion he is still misusing my email. Nobody, except me, knows his very humble beginning, and what a horrible person he is. To me, he is not just narcissist but he is just pure evil. I pray no other woman will suffer the same fate as me with this man. I am still hopeful I will eventually find a man who is genuine, empathetic and kind. Thanks again for making this video!
Im 45 years old and this is the first-time ive ever commented or spent the time to let someone on RU-vid know how 100% spot on they really were. Its like u described my relationship of 4 years like you were there the whole time. Ive related to things ive seen but you have hit everything right on as ive lived it. From what was said to what was done its like you know the exact words and excuses used from day one. Thank you for taking you time to help people in a impossible situation that makes you questions everything u have known to be right and wrong in life. I know shes a narcissist but you hit everything like u experienced it through my eyes. Your in the perfect position you were ment for. Thanks for all your information it really is something to see someone ive never met know all ive been going through for years. You r a good man
My husband walked out two days before Christmas. No family Christmas trip, no honeymoon in April, divorce was final in may. I waited 30 days to file. This brought me comfort.
The narcissists in my life always change their lie or their cover story. "I did this for A" and 5 months later, "oh I did this because of B." The story always changes as the days pass.
"What they do when you need them the most" is exactly what I experienced. When you're drowning, they will throw you something but it won't be a lifeline... it will be a cement bag! Everything you said is spot on and I only wish I'd figured out sooner that I was not a crazy, deranged person but a victim of narcissism. Thanks to caring mentors and educators like you, Dr Ramani and others, I am beginning to understand how I lost myself and how to find myself again. Your videos are incredibly helpful and very much appreciated.🙏💞
They usually spend half their time hiding from themselves and others in the mirror. Most of the supposed 'victims' here, are the narcissistic perpetrators. They were grey rocked. Deprived of supply, the parasite falls off and believes itself a victim. 'All my ex's were narcissists'. (The ones who stopped feeding/facilitating me) They all need to believe they're superior. But they're not.
A decent person can't understand . It's an abnormal, alien way of thinking, and far removed from anything you can comprehend.Which is good; we should all hope we never understand this behavior.
I have noticed how they always try to ruin fun such as birthdays and holidays and events because it isn’t all about them they will do this by forgetting that it’s your birthday or by not turning up to an event or starting arguments on holiday
Wow. Funny how they manage to pick a fight just as you're on your way to a family event, a friend's home or another special event. It never fails. And of course, it's always our fault for "pushing their buttons"!
Your video came up as I was watching one with Dr Ramani, and I became intrigued. I have consistently claimed my ex-husband is a narcissist, but there has always been a tinge of doubt, despite all the videos I've ever watched or articles I've read. This video right here validated 20+ years of wavering in the belief that I am correct. I listened and thought of numerous examples of times he would do each of the 7 things. I was fine and felt a little bit of freedom with TONS of finally I'm validated!! Then, you moved to say "Some good news for you" and I cried. You truly wrapped up all of it with the most beautiful bow on top. I have continued to have problems accepting that it's not too late to have a blossoming beautiful love with a significant other, and that's not just unconditional love to my 2 children.
The man who bromanced me is perhaps the most physically attractive man I've ever met. Dripping in charisma & sex appeal & fully self aware of it. The kind of man who everyone notices when he enters a room. Didn't take long for his mask to fall off, then I saw an emotional monster.
Glad you noticed early. I'm sure women would think they're the primary victim for guys like this. They're not. Other dudes are. It's revolting. Women have their equally unattractive equivalents. Kudos for getting out. 👏
I was romantically involved with someone with narcissistic traits. When I broke up with him I had prepared for his usual response of rage. I was not prepared for the tears. However, I luckily remained strong. Almost a decade and a half later I'm married to someone else who treats me much better
This video actually helped me open up tonight about abuse I went through for the last year that’s had me in deep isolation. I’ve kept silent about it until tonight. I just shared my truth to a family member. Thanks for your help in affirming me Matthew. 🙏🏼
This video left me crying. I have seen several videos on narcissism, however YOU truly have a gift. Married almost 24 years to one. Recently divorced, however I am still under his control due to needing the house sold before I can move. I look forward to the day that I am free forever. So glad that your video showed up on my feed. Thank you. 🌸
Not only will they let you drown, discovering they were the catalyst for the hole in your ship is such a betrayal that drowning seems more suitable than dealing with the aftermath
I have been dealing with this for 10 long years. I don't know how to leave. He always says it's everyone else's fault but his. He cries for himself. I makes me feel like I am loosing my mind. I feel so isolated and drowning. My boundaries are trampled all over. Thanks for your understanding and information Mathew. X
Took me 13 years to leave her. And of course my dumb ass left the door cracked, thinking that it was just gonna be a break, we had a break before that was initiated by her and we got back together. Well, she did something different this time, the mask...she masked up and got with about 6 other dudes in the span of 2 months...I say about as it was at least 6, I'm not sure exactly how many it was, that was not our agreement, . She then found the new supply and discarded me. So I left, but I shouldn't have left how I did, I should have left and slammed the door behind me and not looked back... Looking back crushed me because I thought we were just taking a separation break like she wanted in the past, I felt I needed one, to go visit family, go get some things with the VA in order etc... nope, she knew what she was gonna do, and she knew it was gonna hurt me.
Thank you so much Matthew. I will keep revisiting this till I am healed. You capture perfectly the unbelievable irrationality, disconnection and self absorption of the narcissistic individual. But point no 1 is the clincher for me. It’s the contradictory nature of them that keeps you invested in them. In the good moments, I believe we see the person they might have been if they’d not been damaged in their childhood. The mistake is to think you can help them heal but you can’t. Their brains have been wired in childhood and no-one can rewire them. It’s too late. Thanks again Matthew. Helped me a lot.
We usually don’t know that we’re thinking that until we have some experience or time to reflect. Most of us have no idea what’s happening at first. The person takes you on an emotional roller coaster. Years later you might find yourself tolerating a situation with a parent and thinking it will get better. It doesn’t.
@@alxp-zd1zj My experience has been that the significant narcissists Ive encountered in life, have not changed in spite of considerable input. My theory on this, is that they are similar to feral children who, if they reach a certain age without developing language skills, have missed the ‘critical period’ for doing so and can never learn to speak. This is a fact. I think at the ‘critical period’ for developing empathy and understanding that a wider world exists outside the child’s close environment, 2 things happen: one is a childhood trauma of some description, the other is an inappropriate response by the main caregiver to support the child through that trauma ie. They are too protective meaning the child is allowed to remain a child on an emotional level. They are shielded from having to deal with their emotions by being over shielded so do not develop the appropriate skills at the appropriate time. Just my opinion btw. Not scientifically proven
I have dealt with two narcissist in my life and they are truly bewildering. I have listened to countless videos and read everything I could find on this subject over many years and I will say this video I just found is one of the most well said. It felt like a friend was talking to me in the most supportive way. While the subject is not fun, your perspective and delivery was kind and loving. Please keep up the good work bc there are still a lot of people out there that are dealing with this and still do not know or understand it. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this whole video. Married 32 years but getting divorced due to various things (and more) you mentioned in this video. Thank you for saying that what the victim brought to the relationship was REAL, and the victim carries those traits when the relationship ends. The ability to commit, honor, live respectably, live with integrity/truthfulness, respect and properly love someone is still there and can be gifted to someone who is deserving of those qualities.
its sad, but they do everything by choice. a non stop circle, of continuations self torment, is where they exist. the only thing they care about is themselves, and they do a sh it job of that.
narcissist's don't know what real love is. its all about power notice their words i love you are often not backed by actions. they are truly selfish, but love requires one to be selfless.
@@karnerblue7658 it took me a long time to conclude how something so self centered, can also be so self destructive? it just did not add up? they go burnt earth policy on everything they come in contact with out of hate, this hate goes so far as to self hate. they hate themselves, just as much as they hate the world, hate you, hate everything, hence the self destruction.
Absolutely. When u deal with an actual narcissist,u will know. I realised over time ,after I felt like I had a crack addiction to the narcissist. After I had a breakdown. After I'd almost lost everyone else .While my bed was warm from where he slept , he had already moved on to a lady who had more money and comforts to offer than me.And when I tried to get hold of him to find out what was going on..he sent me a message threating a restrainting order and blocked me .He had only been with me a couple of days prior .And we had been seeing each other for a couple of years.Oh, and then after a time .He tried to walk back in like he was entiled .. no explanation. No apologies.I truly hate these ppl
This is so spot on! Also, when you confront them about the disrespect but they just tell you you’re sensitive, dramatic and insecure and then they will throw in your face all the good things they do for you and call you ungrateful
Best tips to spot narcisist 1. They are super likable, everyone likes them. often center of the room/party. 2. But they never ask you about you, only want to talk about themselves, their greatness 3. They never really apoligize. might say "im sorry you feel that way" instead of real. They will NEVER admit fault if they make a mistake. NEVER EVER EVER. anything that happens isnt something they did wrong or bad. 4. They can' take criticism a all. This could result in some serious revenge on their part. Narcissit have a delicate bubble of delusion that they will defend always. 5. They are extremely delusional. they have a sense of grandure they think they are wayy more important and better than they are 6. They care about their greatness so they will try to take credit for things or only want you to do things they helped with or created so they feel like you are part of their greatness. 7. They get jealous and dont want you doing anything on your own, or things you care about they want to control you 8. They love power. only power. they have no understanding of love or relationships. all their relationships are about power. they will often use money to buy love, or buy friends. 9. they surround themselves with people that adore them and fill their void of low self esteem. sometimes by paying them or telling deluded stories of their greatness. if someone stops believing their greatness the narcisist drops them immmidiatly 10. a narcissist is NOT great. they are are not Elon Musk or Trump or Iron Man. They are liars that pretend to be great, pretend to be successful or amazing with delusion. 11. The core of all narcissists are that they have super low self esteem. 12. and their main attributes are selfishness and delusion (even more than normal people) Careful around narcissists. They act super friendly and great but the sec you don't provide them something, they will hurt you. They are very manipulative and controlling - they will go after your friends and family and turn everyone against you. Narcissists use people to defend them who are also delusional who cant accept that the person is a narcissist. dont expect to get through to these type of people. Try not to be one.
They are human monsters, was married to one 20 yrs of hell, then 15 ys divorced attempt to destroy me in court , RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN , EVIL , , this is spot on Matthew
I am 64 yo and so appreciated your closing comment that it doesn't matter what season you are in, or that it is never to late to direct one's love in the right direction. Thank you Matthew 🫶
I could write endless paragraphs, but the short of it: Married to him for 25 years. Set boundaries that I finally kept. He left. I've spent the last 10 years reading and listening to 'experts' in narcissism, trying to understand it all. This short video explains more about my marraige, who he was, and who I am than any of the rest of those 'experts.' Thank you. Even now I need to reassure myself that I wasn't crazy and to understand that most people will never understand this.
@@VT-di1jx 17 years here… took me a little over one to find my way out for my child and I. It was rough and I thought I would never heal. I am finally healing, my child thriving, we are building a better life and the narc is getting punished in court. Dr. Carter, Andrew from Narcdaily and Dr. Ramani and others were my educators and my strength. This video here is an amazing compilation of lots of what I survived. You can too! Keep your light shining and do what you love to do, the rest will line up well. ✌️
This was incredibly healing for me. I was married to someone with a full-on double life. A criminal one and an immoral one. I was married to an alien. It has shaken my trust in prospective future relationships. I am in counseling, but sometimes another perspective is exactly what you need.
The accuracy and timing of this video is so eerie. I feel like God sent you to give me closure because a person I've been refusing to accept is a narcissist sent me on a tailspin this weekend. Having me question my reality and heavily gaslight me. Even did the exit gaslighting thing you spoke about when I said I simply can't do this anymore. This video confirms all my suspicions and basically spoke my life. Phew. This is such a huge relief that I'm not crazy and that they are deliberate with their actions. This is tremendous closure. Thank you for your work, Matthew. You're literally saving lives and sanity.
Just stumbled upon your channel. I was married to a narcissist and am now seeing my kids grapple with the same issues in dealing with him. This video is spot on and so well done! I shared with my daughter as she’s struggling to set boundaries with her father.
You have described the man I was married to for 45 years until he left me for a high school girlfriend whose husband had died. She came sniffing around after MY husband......but in a sense, I owe her much gratitude for getting him to let go of me.
I just realised my ex has quite a number of these traits. I couldn’t see it when I was in it. Now it’s all making so much sense. I was discarded before our flight home. After a beautiful trip in Crete. I never saw it coming.
I've literally lost my emotional side after the 9yrs I spent with my ex. He was a vicious and manipulative narcissist. Used me as a bank account and house keeper and yard keeper while he would pull the, "I worked all day and deserve a meal and to relax" routine. That all runs through my mind over and over and its been almost 2 yrs since I left him. And my anxiety shoots through the roof when the memories rise up.
Wow "a broken watch is right twice a day" God raised you for such a time as this, its not good for man to be alone. Your gifts will make room for you ❤️🙏🏻🔥🕊
9:00 Spot on. When I finally stood up to the narcissist and told them, "You know, I think I just need space from this situation and need time to think how I want to move forward with you." they gave me about two days of "space" before they were giving me all of these "apologies" and false promises. I could tell by the tricky, manipulative language they were using that it was all a bunch of fluff, telling me what they thought I wanted to hear. They didn't apologize in a sincere way where they actually acknowledged a lot of the awful things they did - instead they apologized for "hanging out with shitty people" which was....not even an issue I had. But it was because they were trying to say "sorry" in a way that gave them credit for apologizing while simultaneously never ACTUALLY having to admit to the true misdeeds ("Why are you still mad and holding a grudge? I already said I was sorry.") Then of course this came with a whole bunch of false promises - "I think it's worth trying to just start over and everything will be great if we just stick it out." No REAL promises of change, no tangible steps or actions that you can hold them to, no acknowledgement of WHY they treated you so terribly and how it's supposedly "different" moving forward. I saw right through it and I said "I understand, but I still need time and space to decide how I feel." Their immediate reaction was to threaten me in a passive aggressive way. "Cool. Well I tried. Guess I'll never do that again." So apparently, they were GOING TO treat me completely differently and they were a whole new person who was truly, genuinely sorry about how awfully they treated me.........but yet the second they didn't get what they wanted at the snap of a finger, they revoked every bit of what they had just told me. They tried to guilt trip me and threaten me, but all they really did was prove that I was completely right in not trusting their "apology" that was a clear manipulation attempt. It was so easy to see that she was "apologizing" because SHE wanted something - NOT because she wanted was best for me.
There is a book called 'Psychopath Free', and it talks about the 'Psychopathic smirk'. Whenever I see someone do that now..I think to myself..."there it is..get away from this person ASAP."...they are enjoying having power over you. Once you see it, you can never unsee it...truly chilling!
This is hands down the most accurate, kind and empathetic video on narcissistic partners I’ve watched. It hurts to know who I’m with, but your delivery really made it easier to swallow. I was raised by an extreme narcissist father - and its been a battle to find a normal person in my adult life to partner with. They all end up being narcissists. It’s so hard.
I am a gay man who let a str8 women into my life and my home and I never had such an experience with anyone like her. She emotionally and then physically abused me. Turns out my empathy was her way to get her supply (a home) off of me. When it got to a head and I asked her to leave she became worse. After watching this I realise it’s nothing I did; she was actually a narcissist. I established boundaries and she didn’t like it. I spent so much time blaming myself and criticising what I did. I didn’t charge her rent and she didn’t pay for bills - she took advantage of me. Thank you for this video - I now see I couldn’t stop her - but I now know that she doesn’t deserve my empathy. She deserves what I give her; silence.
I feel your pain!! Had nearly exactly the same experience with a family member. It’s my fault for taking her in again for the 4th time. Don’t blame yourself….. it’s sooooo easy to get caught up in their web of deceit!!!
I met this person beginning 2024 and immediately connected. We clicked so well and I planned the first few dates. Fast forward to May, I planned a trip to Italy for their birthday. This person had never been overseas and never had anyone take them to a different country, for their birthday. Weeks AFTER the trip, I was hit with “It wasn’t good enough. You put me in a 3 star hotel and took me to the shit places to eat.” Then they went to sleep and the next day text me “Good morning babe.”… as if the day prior they didn’t just burst with ungrateful and unappreciative words. I decided to end the relationship and was met with “I deserve a real man.” I’m still hurt by it. Words have weight.
Don't ever take their nasty words to heart,because they are negative people,who don't deserve any respect or attention to anything they say.they want to hurt you.They are very sick individuals who constantly lie and abuse their partners,who are the often the best people.They are cons,liars,abusers and very jealous.You deserve much better.
After 22 years with narcissistic best friend/mentor/co-worker, I finally left her. Observe, speak out to confidents, educate yourself and there shall be light. Thank God and youtube and you Matthew and many others who share education freely to help. Remember we are not alone or the only ones. Greetings from Greece
Coming out of over three decade long marriage to a person I now realize has NPD. Something that I’ve been struggling with for over a year now is how I was just discarded along with my children without even a look back. You said something so helpful to me in this video…the fact that I can’t wrap my brain around how he acted is a sign of MY character…because I would never do that to him. Thank you.
This! I say the same thing about mine. I was always shocked at how he behaved, but then I realized that's because I could never comprehend doing that to someone.
