A Crap Guide to D&D [5th Edition] - Rogue 

my bad, guess I'm cursed to never have a single video without at least one mistake

My inquisitive rogue is crying the the corner... Whilst interrogating this living shizz out of his enemies

You can say, inquisitive makes you sherlock holmes and mastermind makes you Moriarty

tomoyuuki nue stolen comment?

I mean, it is a crap guide, don't beat yourself up over it

There's an edge on your edges.

@@Hersatz Yo dawg...

That happens when growing up all alone and without any assistance on the harsh and brutal streets

I just parody Spiderman

My friend got me to make an edge stat for his rouge monk and give him knife chucks

Cool

Me

This is amazing.

Happy rogues are the best to roleplay. Been theorycrafting a "trap and lock" rogue who plays out like an excited youtuber who solves puzzle boxe- *Yes like Mr. Puzzle you figured it out good job now sod off!*

Mind if I tweak this for a campaign villain

I'm making my character by a orphanage

I have a fighter who grew up in the mob after being orphaned, and that's his plan as soon as he comes back from the war. It's made for some fun rp

Not far off what I did. He's got this "I lost everything, my new family taught me how to make something new" attitude.

I ran a rouge that was part of a small city law enforcement department, used his talents to investigate stuff (often places he shouldn't be, no search warrant, no problem, I was "never" there), did typical rouge stuff in fights by "running to get help" and popping up behind the baddies to do backstab stuff and detain them. So I went the complete opposite route for my rouge, I wasn't dark and brooding, I didn't have some tragic backstory, I was just a sneaky boi that was good at thieving ,and by extension, catching thieves.

Yep

Bros b4 hos

Eiffel tower!

DM: Grrr... fine. Have your fun. Just do it safely.

Don't you mean *brouge*

And this is why an aarakocra rogue is referred to as "the Wingman"

Jagged Hill, is that you? (Same exact situation, just a swashbuckler I think)

I'm in a campaign with a tabaxi arcane trickster rouge

he has +11 to stealth

Ayyyy! Except I'm a halfling Thief, but still!

You don’t need armor if they can’t hit you in the first place lol

Oh thanks! This is definitely me! -Gregor (an arcane trickster)

Ahh yes.. i have also silently appreciated this series.. until now

YAY Puffin Forest. Cool video.

Great video but I think you missed Inquisitive

This is the best team up in history!

Damnit you had the idea first. time to go rewrite my character

Sounds like that wood elf archer from the Skyline thieves guild

Putpocketing

*Me at first level with a +8 in intimidation and sleight of hand:* Definitely right

me when i have a 30+ in stealth at 13th level: absolutely right. (without a magic items help its just 15+ fyi)

Managed expertise in persuasion at 1st as bard through vampirism... +8

Me at first level with a 24 PP

me, having +10 at sleight of hand at 5th level:

Yeah, I’m stealing this now

Alex Stapleton damn rouge...

Damn, I have the same thing going on with my rogue. Half Tiefling, half Sun Elf (High Elf) Soulknife rouge who wears a lot of darker colors but is super sweet and is actually a sea shanti.

I had a Drow rouge elf who was an assassin to pay alimony but he really liked people l, he also had a crippling fear of holes and spiders

My favorite rogue I ever played was named Jack Hood, a mix of jack sparrow and Robin Hood, and that’s exactly how he played XD

(Edited note: this is a joke to add to Robbie Garber's joke. Please don't take it seriously. ) Merchant: "No, only XXX gold" Rogue (player): **Rolls 20** "Crit 20" DM: **sighs** "That is now it wo-" Rogue (player): **Rolls damage dice** 23 slashing DM: Really?! Rogue: **Takes potions** "Nice doing business with you" **Walks out the door** The rest of the party and the DM: **Facepalm**

@@Blue2x2x it's the job of the DM to call rolls, not the players', just saying

"I have the bad reputation feature, it'll be fine." Later at the prison, the paladin asks "And just why should we post your bail?" Then the rogue's player forgets your bard is a College of Whispers creepy clown animatronic° and asks your character to flirt with the guard so the warlock can get the keys off of him with Mage Hand. _°The higher his Char score, the creepier he became. Because irony._

blue2x2x That’s when you know you have a player who doesn’t care about the rules and just wants to play murderhobo.

@@Blue2x2x They won't let me be a Lizardfolk, they kept suggesting Dragonborn. So I gave myself a gun. Now I am God, and my name is Raptor Jesus. Pronounced how it looks, SPANISH.

I too murder people when I'm bored

@@rainbowthedragoncat6768 … something tells me you’re the quiet kid in class

@@Tinygingerplant_ r/woooosh?

@@rainbowthedragoncat6768 at least I’m a meme

I have a tabaxi rouge who was abandoned at age 6, picked up by a circus, raised by a couple of clowns who were married and infertile, later in his teens the circus was burnt in a freak accident, leaving a clown named "Whiskers" out on the streets, he learned thief stuff for stunts, and later distracted a troll by juggling on a unicycle, and scared the bbeg so his minions thought he was weak and left him

It's not stealing, it's a unilateral redistribution of wealth. Also the shopkeeper likes me so much he gives me a five-finger discount. :)

@@dyciefisk2535 Shopkeep gives out five fingered discounts.

I suppose Rouge the Bat *is* a Rogue, come to think of it

@@TheTdroid Yours and Comment above are somehow connected

What even

Once my party started to debate whether or not we should have kept some of the cultists alive as proof of our deeds, and not just being murderers. For so much time the DM started telling us to move out. At the end of the fight, my WIS 4 Wild Magic Sorcerer, who happens to HATE cultists, stabbed the last one in the heart in front of everybody, making 30-40 minutes of debate completely useless. Man, that was so satisfying U_U

Doors...why is it always doors...

Assless chaps lmfaoo

The Artificer: Casts shape water to ice the lock, then Catapult.

*Trap set by Rogue "just in case" explodes on Barbaria* *Barbarian doesn't even notice* *Paladin DOES notice, gives Rogue the stink-eye* *Ranger gives Rogue a sympathetic pat on the back*

Ah yes... the "universal key"

Hey either way, it saves my spell slots

Florp My rogue would just stab the barbarian.

Lockpicking - picking a lock and smashing it

My half-elf rogue who is only with the party to get money because her rich daddy is gonna cut her off if she can’t make her own money: *rich sweating*

My halfling rogue who just wants to get paid for bringing some stuff over to somewhere: -

Is the Wizard's name "Gorion" by any chance?

My human rogue who is just a village's militia-scout who started adventuring to rase some money to pay for his son's carpenter's education: nervous laugh

Tiger Warrior Steve the Anti-rouge

@@void1824 I was thinking more of a DnD version of James from Team Rocket.

@@tigerwarrior1787 does he have a very short Tabaxi friend?

@@Geostelar4920 Yes, and a Bard Urchin plutonic girl friend, named Fran, instead of Jessica.

I've created a dragonborn bard named Douglas and an aaracokra fighter named Jacob.

Now you spoiled the joke and he has to get creative xD

this.

Followed by the outro for a few seconds, being interrupted by "Wait no I need to make an actual video"

Eddiemate obviously

My first ever dnd campaign was as a warlock that didn’t know Eldritch Blast - and didn’t even have any damaging cantrips until level 4 - so my play through in that campaign was filled with regret.

Holy crap, that's hilarious.

Color me impressed.

barbarians should have a good dex... ENOUGH THINKING BARBARIAN ARE TERRIBLE AT STEALTH!

A two hour long diplomacy skill challenge ruined as the rogue player decides to stab the king because thats what his character would have done.. Trust?

Assuming that the rogue trusts the party?

@@Nerazmus He trust them to act blind when he acts chaotic stupid right in front of them. :P

Why is that more terrifying to me than me hearing “hi sisters!” At night

Jekyl and *HIDE*

@@Tinygingerplant_ Because imagine you're a bandit, You're going about your day and then suddenly feel a harsh stinging in your eyes followed by a stabbing pain in your side, You swing wildly until you get the sand out only to be met with another handful. This cycle of blind helplessness and pain goes on until you pass out from blood loss and eventually die.

You roll a 1

A little late but Mechanical: rolled natural 1. Story: Using the foot to caress the guard at the tavern and the leg had a twitch causing the leg to kick the guard in the genitals.

Roll a nat 1

Rolled a 0, somehow

I actually kicked my now girlfriend in the crotch on our first date... Rolled a 1 in real life.

Same!

If you've watched his videos, who wouldn't?

YOU NOTICED TOO!

I didn’t catch that at all lol

Yeah, it only took me like 1 second to ask myself: "Holy shit, is that actually puffin?!"

This is a very funny euphamism simply because I'm not sure if it actually is a euphamism or not.

The paladin may be a girl, but the bard would still be the sheath to her sword

UltimateMustacheX *vigorously taking notes on this to use it later*

@@UltimateMustacheX With magic, anything is possible. ;p

@@cryw1092 The bard casts Bigby's Wang on the paladin. The bard takes 10 points of piercing damage.

Joe Many Spahs ah yes... the Garretts of the rogue world. While everyone is off worrying about some revolution or some undead horrors... “Meh. I have a tavern bill to pay.”

This reply needs more likes

My latest rogue is kind of both of these guys

@@recklessabandon5678 All the comic relief of a bard, and all the edgy backstory of a God damn razor blade, best of both worlds XD Basically the "crouching moron, hidden badass" trope

@@InsanityVirus well actually it's more like: has a razor edge(literally and figuritavily) but just has a lot of shit to pay off:depts, the several bounties on his head you name it,he knows someone who wants money for it, he's also extremely sassy because of course he is

I am making a changeling ninja who is basically going to be that

Orc or Half-Orc Rogue with such high bonuses in intimidation, that he can just scream at people "YOU DIDN'T SEE ME!!!" instead of actually sneaking, if your DM allows that.

@@ThorsShadow I AM FUCKING INVISIBLE

*Laughs in Swashbuckler*

@@ThorsShadow YOU NO SEE KROD

It says "doest". I liked the joke but :|

And the fighter got a mighty Grabuljean stuffed animal.

DON'T STEAL! XD

Joseph did confirm in the Paladin video (in the comments section) that they are siblings.

The noogie （＾∇＾）

How much gold did you eat?

@@gregorymckenzie7511 Enough that I count as being a bank.

wait wouldn't the first line be better as "Backstory: Tragic"

@@Gatoras_Blade Okay, I think you'll need a mortician more than you'll need some dice.

@@gregorymckenzie7511 Mortician: "You wouldn't BELIEVE how much gold if found in this one guy today."

That is an awesome idea.

Do it, and give us an update

Dude I want to see stories with this character so badly,this hits the backstory sweetspot for me.

My first rogue assassin got into roguery because he couldn't his sad pathetic type of alcoholic father, which made him spend time in the streets to be away from his dad and to help his family out. And also because he couldn't stand the smell of working at a tannery (his father was a tanner). And so he became a skirmisher/flanker/scout for a mercenary because he had the skillset for it and it paid quite alright. Tragic yeah, but not a ridiculously turbo tragic edge factory.

My rogues backstory is she really likes stabbing people.

My only rogue's deep and brooding backstory was "Am lizardman, grew up learning to craft because am lizardman in happy tribe, but one day tribe died so now I do lizardman things with new fleshy things tribe" so I don't get the whole dark and brooding thing because that character was awesome

My rogues deep and brooding backstory was "my grandfather was a priest, my father was a paladin scarred by being touched by the priests, i was orphaned at birth and learned of this then went and killed my grandfather by accident because i assumed he was the one who did it, i was then exiled and sent to hang but escaped in a miraculous tragedy where undead hordes raided the town and killed everyone, i found a way to escape my cell and wandered into the forest, i stared at my reflection in a great pond in the moonlight and heard mother night say, that was pretty fucked up what you did, why dont you, go rogue and let me adopt you. Thats when i woke up and realised i was talking to a 10 eyed demon, instinctively saying sure? And the demon taught me how to harness illusion magic and junk, now i quest to find my birth mother so i can bring her to my demon mother although im not sure its a mother, it has 3 penises the size of short swords. But im sure this will make a happy family? Yeah, it sure will"

@@alphacritter5398 So... Your character thought he was molested by a priest so he kill his grandfather. Adopted by a demon and now looking for his mother, to probably to sacrifice her to the demon "as a blood sacrifice or become a slave." To regain a family again. I'm I close or something?

@@junebug4004 no no no, he thought he was orphaned because of his grandfather selling his father into sex slavery to a corrupt order of priests and learned his father eventually killed himself and put 2 and 2 together wrong, wrongfully killed his grandfather according to the town who beholds him as a great prophet of their people, and the demon chose him to be his child since he lost his wife to a tragic kayaking romance trip. So he believes he can cure his depression by finding his mom and taking her to meet him, but again, this demon can manipulate thoughts and emotions so yeah, basically in reality he wants a blood sacrifice

Ah good ol' chaotic neutral. The only alignment when you rp a rogue. Chicken hats for everyone.

Can confirm, I have a bugbear rogue with an ever burning candle mounted to their head. God bless Nalt, the blind idiot savant she is. I’m going to miss her when I inevitably get critshit into the ground due to having shit stats and hp.

In 3.5 I had a similar rogue. A former bailiff.

I kinda have a BBEG like this. A city watch captain who infiltrated a thieves guild, and steers them away from anyone of any importance, in exchange for allowing them to operate, while arresting anyone trying to work outside the guild.

I would totally pay to see that!

I believe so!

Also wow Rogmesh you really are kinda racist. I mean it's goblins so who cares.

The bard is also obsessing over the paladin

Paladin and Cleric are siblings.

"Alright Dracula, you big fuckin nerd, where's my goddamn money?"

Yeees

Oof

I don't know about 'Maximum' Angst. There's still the warlock.

@@antaresmaelstrom5365 There's also blood hunters. Oof.

Warlock, Blood Hunter

Not the case for me, lol. My rogues are butt monkeys xD My angstiest character is a freaking Paladin. And maybe a Bard, but she's had her revenge.

So Matt off Demolition Ranch? That would be hilarous.

This was almost literally my previous character He was a positive, gung ho young man whose catchprase was "wheres ya sense of advencha?" (In a thick celtic accent)

Im making a kobold thief who does it for fun, is squeemish around blood and such, and sneaks up behind party members to scare the shit outta them.

be careful or matt mercer will come to your room and throw foam noodles at you

If Fjord Tusktooth's life had taken a different path...

"You're an orc, you smash stuff, you hate stuff and you smash stuff because you hate stuff. Welcome to a Crap Guide to D&D."

+

I'd watch it.

Aasimar

If a game *ever* has the option of being a big, strong reptile that has halitosis every other day, then name one fucking reason why you shouldn't be a big, strong reptile that has halitosis every other day. Welcome to a crap guide to D&D. Dragonborn. If you are dragonborn, chances are, you don't give a damn about the DM, the campaign, the fact that dragonborn canonically don't have tails, or the other people you convinced to have a session with you. And why should you? You're a goddamn lizard who decided to venture out of your hidden mountain village that nobody knows about, and therefore, doesn't have any records in any point of history outside of a rumor or legend, meaning that "yes DM, there are indeed Dragonborn in this campaign of humans vs elves only, and there's nothing you can do to stop it." The traits of the dragonborn are being strong and confident like a highschool star athlete, and like highschool athletes, you have an ace up your sleeve in the off chance that you bite off more than you can chew in a fight: odor. Where highschoolers have body odor whenever they forget to take care of themselves, you have dental odor that grows to physically lethal degrees no matter how many times you pick your teeth with your greatsword. You have a breath attack that deals elemental damage to all enemies in a small cone in front of you, and recharges after a quick nap or good night's rest. Much like how you can't avoid body odor when standing within proximity, creatures within your breath range can't avoid your attack and must make a saving through to hold their breath and take only half the damage. Your breath's element comes in five types: fire, cold, lightning, acid, and poison, and the element is dependant on your inherited ethnical scale color. As a dragonborn, you have modifiers to your strength and charisma, which means your an idiot if you pick the Cleric, Druid, Monk, Ranger, Rogue, or Wizard for your primary class. Just remember that the best kind of dragonborn, and the only kind you should ever be, is a tanky melee class or a sorcerer who was banished from their clan for reasons you are too ashamed to talk about, and so you lived your life as a hermit, acolyte, or an outlander until you met the sorry sacks of shit that make up the rest of the party. And now you know how to play dragonborn, you're welcome.

So...are they a lawyer?

First I've heard of a lawful good rogue. Thought they normally fell under neutral or chaotic? 🤔

me

Yeah,thats my type if i going play Rogue,lol

It's like only more publicity to add to all the fun stuff that he does as it is. It's like how Google got everywhere early on and hinged all it's bets on just being considered a staple search engine nobody knew it wanted but now everyone needs.

Where is puffin in here?

@@elgatochurro When Jocat stops his monologue in the beginning.

@@elgatochurro he was the guy in the tavern who walks away

@@elgatochurro He's the guy at the very beginning listening to the rogue wiggler.

literally my tabaxi

I'm seeing pretty much everyone in these comments saying the same thing. It's almost like doing the exact opposite is going to be the new expected

Is there always a druid or a mage of any kind in your group? XD

Not always, but my rogues usually run into something or steal from the wrong person eventually. It’s just a running gag now in my group.

Slightly disappointed that you meant they wind up transformed into squirrels, but now I wanna see a Rodent-kin player race that's literally bipedal mouse/rat/squirrel people at the same size as their respective animal.

Crimson Wizahd funny you mentioned that. I’m actually in a campaign where I’m playing a sentient vampire squirrel.

@@StarlightMischief Yes. Aaaaall of this.

That is basically my dnd character

Yoshikage Kira

@@scoopitywoop5665 Killer Queen would mean arcane trickster.

So you basically made Ted Bundy into a DnD character?

Gotta fear 'em when they just do this shit for fun, and really got nothing to lose cause of it xD

I love this character description

WarLoCk : SEDUCE ME

What not intimidatingly seduct/seductively intimidate it?

Druid: Who needs that when you can AsK ThE TrEEs tO OpeN ThE LOcK

wizard : uses mage hand to unlock the door , gets out , then close the door behind to let these idiots suffer.

PUT YOUR WAND IN THE LOCK

Don't forget the edgy backstory!

And then the part where he crashes a plane into an active volcano

@@EHyde-ir9gb or crashes plane in general

And sends a car to space

Best comment.

THIS

THANK YOU! What would a tiefling and a half elf even make?

@@Aulumos42 Either another tiefling or another half elf from memory in xanathar's guide, but I would put my bet on another tiefling with the whole cursed bloodline thing they have going on

looked up the dress and saw a penis

@@SuperUnhappyman That's probably a plus by bard standards... I doubt that even a tentacle would disuade the thrist of a bard.

PiranhaTheSpacePrince ”You’re gonna say that to every gnome we meet, aren’t you?”

Yuanti Mastermind Rogue anyone?

not a Gnoblin..

They're gnot a gnelf, and they're gnot a gnoblin...

@@Rytonic69 They're a gnome!!!

Saying a thief would steal from the party because they're a thief is like saying the fighter would fight the party because they're a fighter.

Hey player, why are you constantly wisecracking, mistrusting and outright refusing to interact with the other players? DUH! IT'S WHAT MY CHARACTER WOULD DO!

Ugh yeah I hate that excuse. At least when I take gold meant for others it’s just hiding some of the gold before dividing it up among the party, and then I usually use it to bail my party out of messy situations anyways. Multiclass bard/rogue so I’m constantly getting the chaotic aligned barbarian and sorcerer out of prison.

Chaotic neutral rogues attract so much My Guy syndrome. Make a character that's actually fit for group play and is fun for other players to have around, if you're such a great roleplayer you should have no issues making a mechanically relevant and non-irritating character interesting.

played with a guy who made a half-orc barb, and it was the usual 'You meet in a tavern' opening. He said 'I FUCK A WHORE!!!!! HAHA' literal first words out of his mouth

Or steal succesfully from the party without anyone noticing. Ir try to steal things to check if theyre guard against pickpockets is up

*steals Artificer's Vibe-rater*

For fun, reverse pickpocket bizarre trinkets onto your friends! Paladin: that porn isn't mine, I swear! I don't know how it got into my rucksack!

cymond "Really, Paladin? 'Wicked Warlocks and Their Temptations'? That's not to say it's wrong or anything, I just didn't expect it to come from _you."_

If I ever end up using my aarakocra rogue, they'll have a bit of trouble trying not steal from the party lol

John Dayguy only thing missing is a little bit of magic

@@spacemandavid_2122 do you believe in the arcane arts? Ponders intensely, i guess you could lap around the Arcanist

warlock

Alpha Critter Nah I believe in being born with magical powers like a fantasy superhero

And having the blood of dragons in my family

My Rouge has Autism, does that count?

... sonic the hedgehog headcanon alert...

Max charisma rouges ftw. The bond blond to make those enemies fond so you can steal their wand and then escape through a pond.

Darn it I was the 69th like

I bet you're red in the face

My INT is a massive 6, which is why I messed up and ended up playing as a ragu.

Deston Night If Warlock + Cthulhu isn’t a thing I’ll be very disappointed.

@@spacemandavid_2122 you know what? You're very right

Deston Night I can’t wait to imagine the ships he’s gonna make for the magic classes

Wizard and their own IQ anybody?

Rogue + bardbarian = ultimate chaos

Seriously, I *need* to know what happened with Bard and Paladin.

@@thor30013 same

@@thor30013 1:14 Pause at the close up and I think you'll get an idea of the situation.

Maxwell Johnson did Paladin reject her?

@@moonyasnow36 that or its an ongoing struggle

Sebastian Laforest thanks!

Sebastian Laforest thanks man

Thank you

Thanks

Tf

You could say... it's a sneak attack

Had a noble born assassin once. He was the courtier/diplomat of his family.

Mr.Ironic Vlogs The party had to forcibly separate them for a little while and added an unremovable enchanted choker to each that repels the other.

Pala-tin shot down Bard-chan. Bard-chan didn't take it well.

The rogue hid it.

She's goin after that RANGER BOOTY!

me.... honestly I'm just a couple years from dying my fair green and cosplaying as the Grinch for Christmas.

Yeah but that's just for the morning~

GET IMMEDIATELY ALL OF THE GIFT WRAP IN ITS SPECIFIC BAG RIGHT NOW AND NO ONE WILL GET HURT

My aunt.