A Message For Partners Of Enmeshed Men From Dr. Ken Adams We now have a workshop specifically designed for partners of enmeshment. Find more information including dates and registration here: www.overcomingenmeshment.com/...
My boyfriend had a prostate exam scheduled. He chose his mother to accompany him. His mother even went into the room when he was getting examined. I ran and never looked back. They are sick.
I no longer suffer from the desire to hang around and try to help anyone with these kinds of problems. Its enough to heal and love ourselves from our own abuse, I dont need to go thru this with another enmeshed adult man who doesnt see how his behavior hurts.
I'm glad you said this Sharon. Fortunately I only wasted about 6 months into this "mommy's boy syndrome". I have only been about 3 months out of it. But even that short time was quite painful. All I could do is concentrate upon healing my own emotions from being projected and dumped upon. But I do admit to wanting or thinking I should attempt to enlightened my momma's boy. But frankly this revelation was not discovered until the very end. But you're right, I owe them nothing. One must be careful not to get drawn back in. But as in most cases this man is sweet but just naive to his mother's schemes. I might mail him a copy of "Married to Mommy", anonymously. 🤫🙄🤫
@@darnabedwell2115 Yes, selfish as it sounds, I no longer feel like helping anyone but myself. I put all these ppl first in line and where did it get me? In the end, they always make you out to be the monster when you've exhausted yourself giving and trying. I've learned when you heal yourself, you wont be looking for love, affection, acceptance and validation from anyone else. You will walk the moment you see toxic behaviors. And you wont even feel like "enlightening them", you'll just walk away and leave them to it. ;)
My boyfriend dumped me he was obsessed with his mom...called her everyday....the first thing he did afterward was to take his mom on a trip...Im glad its over
It's good that you got rid of him. My father is 70 and still enmeshed with his mom. She was the only person that he loved his whole life. He has discarded me a few years ago after I made a slight critique about her. So, thanks God you didn't have kids with that man, as these enmeshed men are not capable to grow up into beeing husbands and fathers.
I have recently given up the struggle of being a second priority to him. I felt alone before, so i figured this way, it is better to be single and alone, with a chance that may change, than to always be in that relationship feeling emotionally and physically unsupported until day dot. The selfishness of these emeshed families and their overall lack of insight, blows my mind. What a rollercoaster ride.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Mine too. My husband rages about how Ken is a one trick pony and only out for money and that we have no money to help elderly parent and mentally ill, abusive sisters, who he allowed to be his mothers flying monkeys and go after me. I’m really getting sick of this, but now she’s fucking old and lives next door. I feel so hopeless.
I am going through the same. Throughout the marriage of almost 6 years, I wasn't supported emotionally or financially, I don't need any financial support, but I needed some one to care for me emotionally, fed up fighting for attention and love,he groomed me in a way that i should not expect anything from him.I was the least priority in his life, except in public. abuses behind closed doors was another thing, but these people will be there for everyone in crowd, so no one believed you even tho you explain this to someone. their masks only be exposed behind closed doors.
@@thasleena369 exactly..my hubby is verbally abusive if I say anything about his mothers behavior and his willingness to make her his #1 priority he has a breakdown..he doesn’t think he makes mom #1…she’s 85 and she has a sister that’s 90..so they have longevity in her family..I’m just biding my time as she’ll end up in a nursing home as she’s refused anymore therapy (they discharged her anyway because she was not being compliant) so she sits in her recliner waiting for people to bring her her food and whatever else she wants..so I’d say within a year if she hasn’t passed she’ll end up in a nursing home..so one way or the other if I outlive her I’ll have peace!
@@brida5923 same here..mil and enabling bil live next door as for sil only one who knows moms crap and doesn’t come around much which makes my hubby and his bro furious…I think it’s hilarious that sis doesn’t put up with moms crap!!
So sorry to hear Mindy. It’s so exhausting. I’m in it. If I suggest something that cause my husband to go build a life with me it’s as if I’m demonized in his mind and his reaction is like, “How dare you try to come between me and my parents”. He works for them. There was a point we flipped a house and had a ton of cash in the bank and actually bought land five hours away, but he still won’t leave his job and parents. He actually tried to gaslight me and say, “We didn’t buy that land to move away to, we bought it to build our vacation home”. 😳😳😳😳 Which is you know me you would know I live a modest lifestyle. I would never agree to such a thing. He just made that up so we would never move away. 🥲🥲🥲
@@patmiddleton3947 thank you so much. I am doing better now! I’ve realized how much I was forced to give up in my last relationship and am now learning to set healthy boundaries for myself 🥰
My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years. The enmeshment was bad! I felt like a 3rd wheel when she was around. Moving away really helped. Our marriage healed over time. I also had to have numerous conversations with him about his Mom. I expressed how I felt, no matter how negative it sounded. It finally got through to my husband and the last 3-4 years his eyes have really opened. His rose-colored glasses have finally been removed. I'm so grateful!
That's a miracle. I couldn't make it happen for my marriage. Maybe if we hadn't moved to his parents' farm when his Mother told him his Dad needed him.... so many "what if's".
Happened with me too..he used to think his mom is his angel but finally he saw her true colors but eventually she forced and blackmailed him to break up with me… but I am glad at least he knows his mom is double faces
I ended a long-term relationship with a 40+ yr old man who was completely enmeshed with his mother. He would literally morph into a little boy (body language and voice tone), whether in front of her or over the phone. It was a bizarre thing to watch. She enabled his tantrums and his inability to cope with any bad thing that happened in his life. She would call during our dates (early on) and he would talk to her daily, sometimes multiple times a day. We went to couples therapy toward the end and when his mother’s behavior was brought up in a session, he flipped out and refused to say anything negative about their lack of boundaries with each other. When I learned that every woman he dated broke up with him, it all made sense. This man can’t be good for any female but his mother.
I sent mine to therapy. 3 months later and he dumped me yet again and his stupid therapist never even picked up on his family issues. He doesn’t think there is a problem and told her his relationship with his family is totally normal 😂😂😂😂 and she didn’t have the sense to even question that !!! He spent all of his sessions whining about me and she just gave him little handouts to review about things that really didn’t address the central issue. I would have gone into joint counseling with him eventually had he actually progressed, but he was just too deeply in denial.
This is my issue. We saw a therapist together, but it still didn’t work because he is so enmeshed with his mom it didn’t matter what the therapist said, it just went in one ear and out the other
I bought the book today. I come from a very dysfunctional family and had a boyfriend who had a very inappropriate relationship with his mother. They would call each other all the time and even sleep together in the same bed. They also united against me and always had a problem with me. That was the trigger for me to buy the book, although I ended that relationship years ago. However, this book gave me an explanation about my father that I could never figure out. He treated every woman with disrespect except his mother. All women were 'prostitutes,' 'stupid,' 'fat,' or just someone to have sex with. He talked about ALL women like that and was very verbally abusive to me. And yet he spends every vacation with his mother. I finally get it-I do not have to fear him or think I am not enough for him anymore. I swear, your work helped lift a weight off my shoulders that I had for 30 years, or who knows how long, in generational trauma.
@@Sunflower88685 my heart aches for you. I really hope you find the peace and healing you deserve.. it’s a twisted situation to be in or even explain to someone. Love and healing ❤️
My ex husband suffers from this. Mother is deeply rooted in him as a partner. I believe this dysfunctional relationship with his mother developed a female hatred/no respect of women. He has a 30 year sex addiction and lost everything. Lost his wife, home, kids, money, friends and family. His family took him back with no consequences and I became the enemy. It’s so sad. Sociopathic mother and narcissistic father created this horrible situation.
Yup they are terrible people and then always want to make YOU to be the villain when they're the ones who continually treated you like shit. They want you to be their slave and if you ever tell them no and don't let them have their way, your husband will throw you away and replace you just like that. The best thing to do is just leave these people. Let them have each other.
I wish these type of parents understand their sin. As they should think about their death and how it impact their sons life. Lonely ,sad and no one to rely on , maybe just the pity of their grandchildren.
Yep, same here. Throw into the mix that his sister was also looking at him as a substitute husband. I was hated by my MIL and SIL for taking “their man” away. I should have run for the hills instead of giving it 10 yrs of my life before I threw in the towel and realized how sick and dysfunctional the whole family was. I just want to be alone to heal and have peace.
I insisted my husband and I go to marriage counseling, and we did. But it went no where. Why? Because he had to report to his mother after every session so she could tell him the counselor was trying to break them up. She even called the counselor and told her to "leave her son alone". He stopped going. But the mother picked out another counselor for her and her son to go to (like husband and wife) to get me out of their relationship - as if I was the "other woman". Divorce.
And enmeshed hubby thought it was okay for him and mommy to go to counseling together? That’s disgusting when the problem that needed counseling was his mother…I’m so glad u divorced his azz, it would have only gotten worse, take it from someone married to a mommas boy for 43 years!
Yassss I finally don’t feel CRAZY. His mom is would secretly steal his phone & put crazy shit in his head about me! He admitted it though and would sob & cry when it happened 😢
@@morgancornelius2145I'm so sorry for what you had to endure. My husband is enmeshed with his mother, too. How did your partner get to the point of confessing such things? Mine only stays quiet, or gets angry and shouts at me. He treats me like an enemy.
@@morgancornelius2145 I hope he put his foot down with his mother instead of just crying because of the things she said about you..if he didn’t you still have an enmeshed hubby!
As a formerly and recovering enmeshed man, I have found your content and books to be very helpful in both identifying and recovering from my enmeshment. Thank You.
I am so happy you were able to break free from that way of living. I am curious, how did you become aware of it, was it a personal journey or did you get help? I see it in a relationship but I know I could never tell him
Hahaha, I am married to a man who used to be very enmeshed with his family and constantly called upon to solve their problems and do things they were capable of doing for themselves. His guilt and feelings of obligation would never allow him to say no. It lead to me being constantly left holding the bag with our home and relationship and kids and my subsequent depression and anxiety, forcing me to rely on MY family, to do the things my husband should have been doing. His family would then constantly criticise me to him for relying on my family too much and not being able to do it all by myself when they couldn’t even handle their own lives without assistance. I’m so glad it’s not like that anymore, but the resentment from them taking my husband away when I needed him the most still stings,
My hubby bought me a Mother’s Day card that said “you’ve been like a mother to me” maybe that’s why he no longer wants to touch me..I asked him how stupid could he be to get me a card saying that and he said well, u wash my clothes and clean house and cook dinner..I told him this is a card no man should ever give his wife! He’s so enmeshed he’s clueless and after 43 years I’m so sick of this crap!
Very helpful video, as usual. When the enmeshed man is so defensive of his mother and dismissive of his wife that he seems to not even be able to validate her feelings, is there any hope? It's painful to see that he doesn't know how to connect with his wife compassionately whenever she has a complaint about mom's intrusion and manipulation.
This was like a curse in my family. Gave it into the hands of the Lord Jesus Christ. Things are beginning to change. That's the best way you deal with it.
My hubby claims to be Christian as I am (which he tells me I’m hell bound because I don’t believe the same as he does..only wearing dresses, no makeup, no cutting hair etc) he does not seem to understand the Bible saying the two shall be as one and to cleave to your spouse..the only cleaving he’s doing is to mommy!
This is my dad. My dad would send all his money to his mother and abandon the family time and time again. He would leave us with nothing. No food or sufficient amount of clothes or money for rent. Even after she died he is still loyal to her memory and the existing family of Origin. This help me understand why I end up with men like this.
If you’re married or in an enmeshed relationship..Please get out of it and break the cycle..let it startt with you so your children don’t think it’s okay to be enmeshed to a parent!
Wow, what insight. I was married for 8 years to an enmeshed man, the father of our 3 children. He consulted his parents on our major life decisions instead of me, and they would give him destructive advice out of jealousy. He would follow this scary advice half the time. It was so bad I divorced him, which he wanted anyway, though he didn't come right out and tell me. He MADE me be the one to say I wanted a divorce. He needed to relieve the constant conflict. I hardly ever broached the subject because I had small children and knew where I really stood.
I can relate to you very well! I am out of a 2 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend who's an enmeshed man He never changed..nor did he initiate a break up.. I was just stuck..but I gathered my wits and broke up with him! I'm glad you are out of such a toxic marriage.. I wish you all the best for your bright future!
They want you to leave so they can become the victim and move right back in with mom. Im devasted, my whole life was a lie and the marriage was brutally prolonged by a miserable man who used me to escape the things he didnt want to do.and now will rewrite the history of everything said or done to protect this woman he basically hates deep down and the extebded family, omg. If i had not been financially abused I could have left so so long ago.
I have realized this,after 20 years of being in that situation.only,I'm done,If he cant or doesn't care to change,I'm not bothering,(its been 20 years of abuse(some mental,physical,and emotional)I'm just over his family ,him,his personal issues.
My relationship ended because of this exact reason. I tried to set healthy boundaries. He’s now with someone who mammy approves of... for now. She’s a narcissist though & she’s got him so codependent on her, it’s cringeworthy to watch & he oblivious to it. She will stick the knife in this relationship too when she sees he’s happy & they’re getting too close, or the woman starts to challenge him as I did. She wasn’t a good mother when he was growing up yet acts holier than though now. I’m still grieving for my relationship with him as I love him still. It’s very hard on the partner as usually he will never choose her in the long run
I can relate. I still love him as well but left. He's in total denial. My only comfort is knowing that it's not personal, it's his f-ed up way of being. You're right, the pattern will repeat with his next partner for sure. I hope you're doing well.
@@nirmaleva thank you. I’m doing well yes but it’s still hard at times, but 1 foot in front of the other & trying to keep busy with other things. He’s tried his luck with me couple of times, but if I’m not first best & being treated decently then no chance I’d go back to that. I need someone on my level who is kind & knows what healthy love is ❤️ Hope you are doing good too 🙏🏻
Thankfully my husband chose me after developing a gambling addiction and me pointing out how sick and narcissistic and manipulative his mother is. Of course she blamed me!! 😂well yes, I did point out the family dysfunction and it was all true! 🤷🏽♀️ sometimes the truth hurts. It’s just sad to see joy husband was mind controlled and manipulated by his mother. When my mom tried to do this shit to me in my early 20s, I was like oh hell no! Nope, bye bye!!
So this explains why he wants to be served and does everything for her but not at home. I feel like I have been with someone who is a shell of themself.I never knew this person I thought I knew. It’s uncomfortable as I don’t see this person as genuine at all. It’s all a facade. This explains the alcohol abuse, the lack of reciprocity, empathy, the in his own world most of the time issue. The always copying my personality and character. The it’s all about him and no one else. The reason he will jump for his kids at any given time but ignores mine most of the time. I don’t want to work this relationship out. I am getting out. I know I deserve to be in a healthier place especially my kids!!! I also see where and understand now why I have attracted and had been attracted to this type of person and situation.
Yes if you have young kids leave. They are terrible fathers. My boys had no male role model or guidance. I feel theyre at a disadvantage in their early adulthoods. And they use my boys "lostness" to insult them in underhanded ways. Like they arent manly enough or tough enough, however, they are good kids that didnt have a father figure and at times they disregarded me as a human just as the dad does. I hate that that is their father. He is wholy unworthy of the gift of children. Just like his mother.
It’s Hitchcocks “Psycho,” and Freud’s Oedipal complex. My friends know I refer to him as Norman (Bates). My take on this is childhood molestation of the golden son; all wrapped up with a bow under the veil of religious observance. Intense suppressed rage from the “sonband” (son + husband) gets projected from where it belongs (onto his mother/his psychological “rapist”), onto the wife. Bottom line: severe psychological abuse of the wife; intense misogyny in general, and potential for violence behind closed doors. Eyes behind your heads at all times, Wives. And……get out (with proper timing!); there is no fixing this!! And….protect your children!!!
There are certainly situations in which individuals struggle to or are unwilling to change. Please see my chapter, "Should I stay or should I go" in When He's Married to Mom for criteria on how to sort if someone is willing to change. We have hundreds of men in our MEM Workshops since 2014 who have emancipated themselves from their mothers and families, allowing them to declare loyalty to themselves and their romantic partners. We remain hopeful that with proper guidance and their willingness to change, emancipation from enmeshment is possible! For information on webinars, workshops, and more, please visit overcomingenmeshment.com
Mine has also become abusive towards me. I fear being around him. His aura is so negative that I don't feel safe with him, can't even sleep next to him.
@@yavnikanegi094 exactly the same. I moved into the guest room during the pandemic and never went back.its like sleeping next to a demon, and YES, they are dangerous. I’m only still here to protect my son until he’s up and out for college, despite the fact that he’s turned the kid against me using money, a luxury car (at 16!!! NOT MY CHOICE if up to me), and super expensive designer clothing and things…..and, the father treats my son that nothing he could ever say or do is wrong or disrespectful --he’s destroying my kid, right before my eyes! His father is STILL his 83 year old mommy’s golden boy-the “relationship” is as SICK as it gets!!). I’ve got 18 months to go!!). God willing I’m still alive!! 😩💪🤯 (he’s been trying to reverse discard me, but I WILL NOT LET HIM WIN THIS GAME OF CHICKEN AFTER ALL THIS TIME-19 years!!! It’s all about me being there for my kid no matter what).
Every opportunity I get I express fear that they will try to "get rid of me", its a horrible thought and a horrible way to live. I have been through the wringer with these two pepple who deep down despise each other but i am the common enemy now, their scapegoat for all that is wrong with their family. Im not perfect but i at least recognize the abusive patterns and learned about personality disorders and all the extra baggage these people have. Its like living in a war zone every day. I hppe that you are safe. We dont deserve this.
So creepy and I’m soooooo dealing with this right now. The mom was doing things like buying her sons baby wipes and making sure he had them up until 35 she also made him sleep with her in bed claiming he was scared, until he was 13. She needs major help and now he’s 40 and so does he. So bad. It’s ruined us.
Thank you. Today is our 38th wedding anniversary and my husband’s mother has just manufactured yet another drama. A poor me martyr type thing with the goal to lure my husband in. She wasn’t at all happy to know we had several days together where we were happy.
We can never go anywhere that my mil doesn’t know..my hubby tells her our every move..calls her 4x a day and she lives next door so he goes to see her 2x a day and calls and tells her when we’re leaving and where we’re going and when we’ll be back and if we’re not back when hubby thought we would be she calls wanting to know where we are..and she’s not alone her 64yo 4x divorced horndog son lives with her..hubbys the problem, she’s the symptom..stick a fork in me after 43 years I’m done
Mone told his mother everything! I do mean EVERYTHING. He leaves the house to call her, its so secret love affairish. I know for a fact they talk all day when hes at work. This is why we rarely talked, he gave it all to his mother. There is nothing left to say to me.
I think this may be why my last relationship ended :/ I saw weird signs from almost the beginning (I myself come from an enmeshed family and am in therapy)...I was so happy that someone wanted to be close, but it turned out to be an illusion. At any attempts at "real" closeness - he would shut down and claim I'm controlling, manipulative, etc. It's like he was talking to a stranger, not me...That's when I realized that there is prob lots more underlying damage than I realized...I hope one day he can unravel this.
My boyfriend used to be just like this. He was like a child again when we were around him family, it was so weird. His mom and grandma constantly interfered in our relationship, he had no real freedom, every thing he did to create some independence they would find a way to undermine, or undo. It was maddening. It took years but I worked with him very slowly and carefully to help pull him out of the "FOG", which they even tried to undo that with his grandma actually trying to go to therapy with him and when he put his foot down she would actually write notes to his therapist and demand he give them to her. That was all it took for the therapist to see what was going on and she really helped in the early stages of getting him un-enmeshed. Now when he's seen them and comes home he's always unsettled, but never with me anymore. He's not critical or anything, he just seems upset. Can't sleep well, doesn't eat well, for a couple days, because I taught him to recognize all the ways that they are trying to sabotage him and it hurts his heart.
@@VanessaSimon26 I think that they are guilty when they have sex, it is like a betrayal toward mum. They can have sex only with a prostitute or a woman they do not value.
I did the same! I grabbed my clothes though and went to my mom’s house. I’ve never walked out the door on him through any kinda momma drama but this was the breaking point! She literally stared at him while he ate the dinner she cooked watching him eat every bite! Pulled her chair so close in front of him her knees almost touched his. When he was done she instantly started packing up all the food. When he hugged her by she moaned ohhhhhhhh he gives the beeeeeeest hugs! As she stared at me with a wicked grin! That entire hour N a half was the last hours of our relationship and I believe he was enmeshed with me because it’s all he was taught by her! He thinks it’s codependency, but it’s well beyond that!
And of course he lives with mommy now right where she cursed him to be! I have prayer up over her wicked sickness, and how it’s covered him in hookers, loose sex, bars and alcoholism. He not working on any problems from childhood, just running into his bars. Won’t talk to me or anything yet all of his stuff is still her a month later
My husband and I were in the middle of a divorce when he passed away and OMG his "unhinged" mother took full control of EVERYTHING about him. He was battling a long illness and died while he was living with her! She didn't speak to me during the funeral until I offered to buy his headstone now she is acting like we are ok! What! She would hardly speak to me before then, and I was not included in his funeral service at all! The seven years we were married she was constantly guilting him for not being closer to her so she could coddle him like an infant! This woman was a complete basket case! She went so far as to put little dragons in his casket🤔🤨 who does that for an adult man!
Most of these men die before their mothers. I will not be surprised if my spouse dies before her. He doesn’t seem to look after himself and he is always plagued with all her problems. Unfortunately I cannot say anything to him because world war 3 will start he has so much vented anger. So for years I have been standing on the sidelines watching all the stress and emotional bullshit she puts him through.
I’m not sure how often abuse occurs to the girlfriend or wife of the enmeshed son.. but it’s the most diabolical inhumane thing to go through. Especially when your own friends and family are saying you had a choice to leave. I wish this not even on my worst enemy, this occurred 3 years ago. I will never be the same. Especially because I can only find those who relate or understand on social media sites. I had to beg him to agree that I didn’t deserve the verbal & physical abuse & ‘crazy making’ attacks (cyber attacks, community stalking etc.) all done by him & his mother. he still dismissed me and said I’m crazy for being this traumatized. I’m making things up. With the support of my closest friends & family in agreement with him, because of his crazy making attacks that triggered me to being angry a lot of the time. Literally the most inhumane thing I’m still experiencing .
Same!!! I am traumatized and grossed out after this experience. His mom is nasty being jealous of her son dating me. 47 year old living in his mommies basement. Then when he is not around me he is mean and leaves awful messages. This was the biggest mind game crap ever and i have been through a lot!!!!
I went through this as well. They were literally trying to drive me to suicide. Divorce costs money and so does child support. They were a team and even dragged my oldest son in on it with them. I survived but it took a long time to claw my way back to the surface. At least 15 yrs as the walking dead. Its in the news all the time (evil families and their deeds) but people dont want to see it or get involved because that trauma is heavy. I dealt with it mpstly alone, without medication, which is what they wanted. Im steady now, thank God, and will be on my way out shortly. Children are grown, the only real reason I stayed, I refused to let them have them alone for 50% of the time, I couldnt risk it, and that may sound crazy, but its not if you knew these people. I understand we should have compassion but they had absolutely none for me. I forgave bit i still sleep with one eye open.
Have met a man like that. The literal motto is as follows: "The one and only is mom. The rest of the women of the world are either 'b!tches' or 'stupid b!tches' or 'evil b!tches' or 'greedy b!tches'". Moreover, there is a tendency towards "love should be unconditional. You don't love me if you can't just want me for me; if you are unloving enough to dare demand me to change - than read the motto".
💙🦁🐺💓 I don't do Mamas boys. Not to saying you can't be there for her, but if they Gon compromise our relationship with your loyalty and binding. I don't want it. She can have you.
my mother in law makes up lies about me, I spent a few hours in jail over her and have a false record because of her lies. It is so sad. I dont want to lose my husband and son but fear going to jail over her lies. It is difficult.
Wow, my MIL has done the same. Called police and lied to them and tried to get me arrested. Fortunately, my husband was able to convince her not to “press charges” but she essentially made it contingent on him divorcing me. We had to separate for two months because of this. She is absolutely insane and has made up Many stories about me which are completely fictional (theft, car damage, physical attacks). It’s really shocking how some people are such overt narcissistic liars and they get through life just fine. And my husband obeys her like a puppy most of the time. She’s 91 and I truly pray that she will soon go to her eternal reward…!
So my husband has become this ever more clearly this past year. I cannot stand his mother and her antics. And i love him but i just cant deal with them anymore.❤ i wish all going through the same a happy outcome for yourself.
Dr. Ken I am a psychology undergraduate entering a masters I am in a LTR with a man who is enmeshed and have years of knowledge about this however all of the literature information including your works he seem stunted and unable to be independent without her he lives with her and fully supports her in every aspect! I have wanted to walk away from this unhealthy situation yet he is a wonderful person.
This works for men that can see what's happening but when you have a man that can not see the error of his mum's and his ways and becomes violent every time the subject of his mother comes up then there is no hope. Good luck to all
For my fellow Christian sisters on here, I’m here to pray for you. I’ve learned to find my need for love met in Christ. For years I felt so alone until Jesus saved me. May you find that peace today. I’m praying for my husband and leaving him in the Lord’s hands. I am asking for that way out, to provide the open door for my husband to walk away from this enmeshment. Blessings to you sisters. “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
Hello sisters! I'm in this situation with my husband. Although I don't like the idea of divorce, I'm finding it difficult to thrive in this marriage. Are there any verses or stories that have encouraged you?
Thank you for sharing this video. Sadly this was like a killer virus and by the time I learned what this was our marriage was destroyed and enmeshment occurred between my now ex husband and our daughter . Our handicapped daughters health is being destroyed . What a horrific pathogen and dysfunctional family systems with attachment disorder.
I grew so depressed and I felt so discarded after dealing with so much rejection from my husband and feeling like a third wheel. I left town for medical treatments and connected with my Lyft driver. I told him about all my frustrations with my husband and how his mother did not like me yet they had a very strange and unhealthy relationship. I confessed to my husband that I had a temporary emotional affair with this man, and told him that this man wanted me to move in with him. I know that this was a mistake because after this my husband ran off with his mom the first time he left was a month and this last time has been a month and a half. I believe my marriage is over, my husband will not talk to me. I am not sure if this is a curse or a blessing.
If someone comes from a toxic family , it is essential that they put the healthy, adult relationship first. That can work. But if someone is first beholden to enmeshed clingers, that is not likely to change, and one is better off leaving.
I been watching a lot of these videos trying to understand the man I have fallen deeply in love with. Hes 44 and at this time is temporary living again at home with his mother. Everything has been going great until I met his mother and in the first 5 minuets Of meeting her she started attacking me verbally with insults. I just sat there and ny bf did defend me and had her apologize to me but quickly blew it off saying his mother is amazing. She quickly started complaining that he calls me to much and that she didn’t see why he needed to call me so much so he stopped calling me around her and only calls me from the street or from the bathroom in the home. When ever we got out on dates she is calling him asking him when he will return and he get a lot of anxiety and very nervous after the call and he wants to run right home to her. He asked me if sometimes his mother can come on our dates and I didn’t really like it but I said maybe and I have invited her on shopping trips unfortunately she acted like a jealous school girl. He also mentioned to me that she asked about our sex life and she always looks at him when he comes from the shower and talks about his body parts. After hearing all of this I was completely freaked out not sure what’s going on here. She likes to lay on the sofa and have him rub her feet. He also told me that they hold hands while walking outside together. Thanksgiving came and I was invited to go to his brothers the day after and he was kissing me on the cheek and holding my hand and she just flipped and said stop it you are making everyone uncomfortable. Christmas I wasn’t invited because she wanted it to be just him and her. We had a date a few weeks ago and we went out for 5 hours and he called his mother from outside asking if she needed anything from the stire and she screamed you been out 5 hours I had nothing to eat. Mean while the lady is in excellent condition and the Refrigerator was loaded with food for her. Since then he has changed with me and the other day he called me saying crazy things like you thing Im your property you think I have to obey you and your trying to control me this really hurt I swear I have never ever spoken to him or thought these things and I don’t kn where all of this anger has come from. I said if this is how he feels we dont need to be together. That made him snap more not sure what I have going on here and would appreciate any advice?
Thanks for reaching out! There are more resources, including a list of therapists that have taken my course in treating enmeshment, on my website: overcomingenmeshment.com
Girl, his mother is gaslighting both of you while acting inappropriate. I can assure you that she is convincing him of these bad things about you & they came from her. However, he must recognize it & learn to grow tf up & stop being babied by a mother as an adult. He also needs to decide whether he wants to marry you or her. Just saying.
What you have is a person who was raised by a narcissist and who has emotionally and probably physically abused her child. His mother while she might not act on it has distorted emotional intimate views and sees her son as an intimate partner and child. This is called the Jocasta Complex which you can read about. These men are very damaged and you cannot help them, especially those who also have narcissistic traits because they will get aggressively angry if dare to say they have a problem. It’s not worth it. These people don’t change. I just went on an outing with my spouse the other day and he was upset and angry. And I know what’s happened here, he told this mother about us spending some time together and of course she probably reminded him what a bitch I am and how I don’t deserve it, or maybe something else to spoil our outing. That’s how these women are, no matter how much time you are with her son if she’s around it’s a disasterous relationship, she will make sure you are his enemy. My mistake is not getting divorced when I was younger and also not securing a financial stand for myself and my children. For me it’s too late but for you don’t put up with this lifestyle it’s not going to change and god knows how long she’s going to be around. Tell these people to go fuck themselves and move on with your life.
Been dating a really beautiful man (45)on and off 2 years from Nyc, mostly because he pushed me away because of his Mother and that he turns to drugs to cope and him being incarcerated because of this. I know it sounds crazy. His Mother acts extremely jealous of our relationship. In a sick twisted way she thinks hes her partner and there to keep her company cook and clean for her and at an early age she made him be her best friend sharing all her dreams and desires with him and making him her ear to listen to her problems. At times she has asked him not to kiss me and told him he doesn’t love me. She tells him how to feel and what to eat and think. Hes like a zombie at times and he shares our SEX Life with her and when I have my Menstrual. She talks in detail about his good looks and body parts. Im conservative so it makes me very uncomfortable and they have no boundaries. I actually liked this past year while he was incarcerated because he was away from her influences and he could think his own thoughts and spent them. He turn to cocaine to cope from pressure to be perfect. Currently hes under house arrest in his mother home. Not sure how to help him. There are so many issues but he is really a good person that’s struggling badly with addiction and life
I wish I had known this 18 yrs ago... I wonder if not having children does make it worst... as without kids some men won't perceive the couple as a family! :\
My experience having children or not does not make a difference. My husband has been married in heart, should, and mind to his family of origin almost all our marriage. He even allowed his mother call our child a bastard. His family always came first on the list and every time he spent time with them I felt I was married to an evil person.
I believe that having children will make it worse because he will still put his mother and family over your children. You will feel alone in your relationship and feel like a single parent. Gotta be careful who you have kids with..
ashley McLeod Women need to stop having this belief that having children with a man will change him. Men have no problem leaving you and the kids behind to go to mommy.
Well, once you have kids with him, his mom will try to take over your children. She wants to be the mom to her son’s children. It’s a constant tug of war and competition over the kids. His mother has to prove that she’s the best. She’ll stop at nothing to be the matriarch, even trying to turn your own children against you. She will have the children calling her mom behind your back. The husband will know and not do anything about it. He’ll side with his mom for a very long time. It usually takes another man to point out the dysfunction to the husband and help him see the light. I wouldn’t recommend having children in that situation. It can be a headache dealing with your children’s grandma if she’s in love with her son. She’ll even try to take over your husband’s role with the children. So, instead of him spending time with his own children, he’s dropping them off at her house constantly. That’s what she wants. She gets a chance to play house with her son and his children.
I’m stuck on the fact that I got abused from their emotional enmeshment. They were like a married couple.. he felt everything she felt & vice versa. It was worst if I brought it up at the same period he suspected me of “cheating”.. when in all reality. She was upset with me so ultimately he was too. She would also say, I “deserved” to get abused, either I let him hit me once or get beat up lol.
Mother enmeshed men HATE their mothers. It is out of guilt that they seem to adore their mothers from the outside. Because they can’t confront their moms, they take out their resentment and hatred that they have for mom on their wives. They almost never gave happy marriages and create a new victim, ie the wife.
@@Soundofharmony1 I am curious if you see these men having an avoidant attachment style? It's my observation with my ex, ironically he is very close to his family, and asking them about our relationship. The mom was super intrusive and not in her place. I got narc/borderline vibes.
@@MissSarahGM That’s true. Enmeshed men have an avoidant attachment style, which will be transferred to their romantic relationships. Therefore, they suffer from intimacy disorder as well meaning they can’t get close physically and emotionally to their wives and they can’t be intimate with their wives. Narcissistic mothers that are in unhappy marriages, create enmeshed sons. When these sons get married, there’s no boundaries when it comes to their mothers n her intrusive behaviors. The son’s priority is mom and the wife and their dad always come second. They almost build no meaningful intimate relationship with their wives, even after years of marriage or after their moms’ death. They feel enormous guilt to love their own wife because they know mama doesn’t like it. It’s a sad story. The wife is the next victim, just like the son. I’m writing a book on this topic n some other related issues. I hope you find my little comment useful 🙂
@@Soundofharmony1 Thank you for your well-explained reply. It is very sad indeed. Very interesting you're writing a book relating to it. In the case of my ex boyfriend, it doesn't fit that description completely but there's definitely enmeshment with the mother figure and no real individuation at age 39. He has had no relationship before me, and it only lasted a few months before he sabotaged it. We were long distance so I stayed with him but it rapidly felt "too much" for him as an avoidant. He has lot of anxiety (OCD I believe) and would ask reassurance from family members a lot, especially the mother. He had an urge to break up and his parents were in the loop in "real time", it felt like they backed him up to stick to his decision, instead of us talking things through. She offered to support me and have coffee together. She was warm to me. She overshared a lot of (demeaning) details about her sons, (I didn't know) and her private life with the dad (presented as a former alcoholic avoidant). She said that if we continued seeing each other, it could be one week-end a month, as he's not "ready", I found it patronising and none of her business, and I said I want something stable. She also said she wonders why her son was even dating, as he's a loner.. As if it's his destiny, and couldn't evolve. He has very low self-esteem, and compares himself negatively to others and successful siblings. I felt like he's more loyal to his family's values and trying to please them, to not be rejected by them. He was constantly doubting his feelings and the relationship, while I felt like he loved me but didn't feel enough for me. He could be afraid of displeasing me, and has obviously a lot of trauma from childhood, like he could be scared of me at times (as the mother imago), love me other times, but overall like I was dangerous to attach to. The mom was intrusive in many subtle ways, no wonder he felt like a relationship with a woman would be losing his identity, like with his mom. I do miss him but don't see him able to come back to me and make amends. He would need to grow and assert himself from his family to do so. When we talked after the last breakup, I told him that it felt unfair he asked advice from family instead of talking with me, I couldn't win and he needs to think for himself. He didn't reply (he was guarded). I'd love to hear your perspective on it, as someone who understands these family dynamics!🙂
@@MissSarahGM Dear Sarah, consider yourself EXTREMELY lucky that you guys broke up. When I read your message, there were 3 major red flags: Your ex, is 39 years old and not in a steady relationship/married. Furthermore, he kept sabotaging his relationship with you. 2nd red flag is his mom wanting to get close to you. That’s what mothers of enmeshed men do. In most cases, they are very friendly to the girlfriend/wife. Because these moms are narcissistic, their positive image to the outside world is very important to them. But remember, behind that friendly relationship with you there is a very angry mom exploding with jealousy. The mom played the role of a “wife” to her son all these years and now the son betrayed her love by finding a younger, more beautiful, and smarter girlfriend. So what does the mom do? She starts stabbing you behind your back and her ultimate goal is for her son to follow her lead and breakup with you. Nobody is EVER good enough for her son, because who can compete with the wonderful wife that he’s already got, ie. the mom???!!! The 3rd red flag is the fact that you were in a long-distance relationship with this man. Long distance relationships are IDEAL for avoidant personalities. In your case it seems that he was also, anxious avoidant. Once, the long distance is over and say you guys got married and were living together, the TRUE trauma to YOU would start: He would be incapable of satisfying your most basic needs like, the need for compliment, closeness, non-sexual touch, sexual touch, and sex. You’d have to settle with his empty stares and shallow touches when you beg for compliment, intimacy, and closeness. There will be no sex unless you initiate and even then, he’ll be emotionally-absent and his performance would be completely mechanical and robotic at best. You need to thank God every single day that this relationship did not go any further. Would you have rather wasted 10 years of your life and then got a divorce with 2-3 kids? Or having to settle with such a man because you feel trapped because you had kids? I’m sure not. Unfortunately, that’s the reality of the lives of many women being in relationships with mother-enmeshed men. You were very lucky and you need to celebrate! Hope this helps and wish you all the best Sarah!
This popped up in my feed and then I recognised the book title, and Lo and behold we have an old copy of Silently Seduced (we’re in Australia). We have been married since 1998 and have 13 children. Our families of origin are unhealthy to say the least and I hope we can get couples therapy. It’s been so long putting up with all kinds of interference, I hope I can stay calm about the hurt it’s caused. Currently I feel so distant to my husband.
Hi Hayley, thank you for reaching out. We have many resources on our website including therapists trained in enmeshment (including Australia!) as well as a workshop for partners of enmeshment and enmeshed men as well. Please visit overcomingenmeshment.com and we can help you with making a step forward.
If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it! My bf and I have been together for the last 5.5 years and we want to get married and have children eventually but I don’t want to take any steps towards that due to the relationship I have with his mom. He has told her not to speak to me anymore which solved most of our problems temporarily. But he still speaks to her and sees her once a week. She hasn’t even admitted any wrong doings or changed her behavior. Should we keep the dynamic this way? I don’t know how she could have a relationship with our future children if she doesn’t even speak to me nor can she stand my presence lol.
What happens when the mother passes away? Do they start to be more involved with their partners? He has always been clear about his mother coming first even after 13 years of a relationship with him. I am just wondering what happens once their mother passes away.
Sadly..even though it may seem as though now you may have a chance at a somewhat more normal relationship when she's gone..it's just an illusion. After all these years I am about all he has left...but being the narcissist that he is..I am only there to take care of house and cook. At 70 ..he still proclaims how he loves his mother..she was a darling and loved by everyone..delusionary of course. But I will never have a relationship that is normal..
I sensed something so strange when I moved to his state and lived at their apartment....I felt as tho he was fckng his mother ..very weird I tried to move to our own place...and yes..he was on the phone with her everyday... he even had her doing the bills for our house..totally weird and unnecessary. It was years later that the light went on when I actually found a book called When he's Married to his Mother.. what an eye opener that was. He is a classic narcissist...and an alcoholic on top of it all...so you can imagine what a living hell I've been through..esp since I've only become aware of these last two issues in the last 5 years...He's very manipulative.. He lies and denies so well...and of course I'm the crazy one.
My enmeshed husband set the divorce wheels in action after his mother died because " I made his mother's life pure hell and had to be punished" ( by existing, I guess. I kept my distance from her). After the divorce he quickly married a women who looked like his mother and acted like it. She's his mommy now.
What do I do when everything you say in this video rings true, but after gentle pressure (we've been dating for a year and his mother wont accept me, wont let me come around but insists he is always there doing stuff with her), and he says "I'm not sure I want to be separate from my family. I want to continue being as involved with them as I am, and want a girl who will slide into a role within this family of mine".
@@tracker8488 I appreciate your reply. He and I had a big sit down talk last night. I told him he's spent every weekend with his family since we met (over a year) and that I see him once a week... and he shrugged.. "yeah but family first, right?" So... guess I better get back out there in the dating field again. What a waste of time, energy and heartache. FML
@@fieryheadedgirl I’m sorry his reply wasn’t what you wanted to hear, but better now than later. Believe me, you are better off. I spent 8 years dealing with my boyfriend’s enmeshed-mother until she passed away. Our relationship was better for about a year, than recently his brother has started to control him ! I see the similarities to his mother happening again, and I don’t think I can go through that…. so I have seriously been considering leaving 😞 please don’t waste the time that I have!
@@tracker8488 Gosh... first I am sorry and angry on your behalf. Second... ugh... he's so enmeshed to his brother as well as his mum, so what you said just terrified me... probably the big sign I need. Not quite ready to end it but soon, I think I can do it soon.... you should too. Let's both get free and find better. xxx
enmeshed means he holds "anger and resentment" and projects that onto the wife and obeys mother out of a "guilty and obligation" contract. Gets irritated when having to choose between spouse and mother.
My girlfriend (31) is what seems to be mutually enmeshed with her mom. They literally text throughout the day rapidly and every day. And they have this family dinner event they all go to every other week, and feel they have to, cause- family. It isn't sustainable for me and it is just plain weird. She would just get overly mad and condescending if I mentioned anything. What do I do if anything?
I am also wondering since the mother has him inmeshed to the point he doesn’t even work and relies on her financially, I am confused with whether he is enmeshed Or if he’s codependent. She doesn’t even encourage him to get a job. She just pays for everything, I used to pay for everything but I stopped so now she takes care of all his finances. It seems to be her way to hold him and manipulate him but it’s gotten to the point where I wonder if he takes advantage of that or if he is actually enmeshed. It’s completely confusing. The manipulation is going on on both sides and it’s very disturbing
I was in therapy for grief - but something about my ex and his family was always off and I could never put my finger on it. My psychologist was the one who taught me what boundaries are & what emotional abuse is..therapy was never intended to be about my ex, I didn’t know anything was wrong. HE was the one that educated me, my mind was blown - there’s an actual term for the “family that seems off.” Anyway from my experience..what are your partners responses when you ask him what he’s passionate about? Does he know? Does he have opinions that differ from his family, or do they all share the same brain? If he seems like he doesn’t have his own sense of self, he’s probably enmeshed. If he has his own interests he might not be enmeshed, but there’s the whole narc mother-son weird ass dynamic. Good luck!
All I can say from having lived this nightmare for too long because I was unaware...is to get out if you can. You already sense the problems...and I would've ended this a long time ago...but they are very manipulative...very convincing . I only look back with horror at what I endured ...just could never conceive anyone could be this evil. You have a pretty good idea that something is wrong there...don't waste your whole life as I did 🙄🥴
Every journal entry for 30+ yrs is me trying to figure this whole family out and how poorly my kids and i were treated by all of them, he didnt just let his mother have at it, he let the extended family treat us terribly. I am ashamed and never speak to people about my marriage. I cant bring myself to do it, its a horror story that ends in 4 peoples (me and my 3 sons) lives being treated like dog shit on their high and mighty shoes.
What is it when a female is like this? I have experience of this, of which her brother is certainly like this too. But as I say, I have seen a female behave like the sort of man you describe. I have yet to read both your books. They are on order though, which I look forward to reading. Thank you.
Hi Adam, thanks for your comment. Enmeshment can effect all genders. We do offer resources specific to women's enmeshment on our website: overcomingenmeshment.com. If you would like to learn more information, please email dradamsworkshops@gmail.com.
Is there a type of enmeshed man where the son is not involved with the mother any longer because of the tactics of manipulation where the man then pulls the wife into the new role as "mother" to him?
Hi Sarah-yes, enmeshment can create patterns of behavior within relationships long after the presence of the originating enmeshing relationship. Please visit our website for more information including webinars, books, workshops, and therapists trained in enmeshment at overcomingenmeshment.com
Depends, does your partner always think he’s right? Do you feel like you’re constantly doing something wrong..is he controlling? Has he ever said sorry? If you ask your partner what he’s passionate about, can he give you an answer? If he has narcissistic traits and you feel like an outsider when you’re with his family, don’t bother trying. If your partner values your opinion, maybe there’s hope? If he sounds like my ex, do yourself a favor and skedaddle.
I showed my husband when his gambling addiction came to light and how addiction is family disease. And that the fact his father is a compulsive gambler and alcoholic he was and is never present for the mother. So she used her sons for emotional support. Then he started to reflect and finally cut that bitch off.
What happens from my experience..as my husband is 70 now and mother's gone for years..is that he still enmeshed deeply...it doesn't disappear. I used to pretend that things were a bit more normal. But his loyalty is to her. I broke my back 2 yrs ago..had to drive myself to hospital. Instead of coming to help me at hospital after coming back from NYC...he went directly to play basketball ...I drove myself home. Very sad ....not the kind of person anyone should be with. Tried to say he was stuck in the city till 10 pm....but I'm not stupid anymore and got him to admit that he did go to.play...Heartless 😒
This could be my story too. I do not want to be here to find out what its like after she dies. Since its a generational curse, i noticed how his uncle spun out after the family matriarch died. I can see the future and want to be elsewhere when this event goes down. I am so sorry that so many people are going through these things. At this point i would just rather be alone. I know theres only one person i can count on and its me! Plus evil never dies I feel like. She will outlive him out of spite.
It’s sad and creepy how strangely enmeshed a widowed father and his adult daughter can become. Raising her with him and his overbearing mother after the he B child’s mother passed when she was younger. He’s such a Great man and she is a great daughter, but the bond is way too close for me. So close it’s creepy. I would always come let , it was made clear because the daughter went through a lot. . I understand somewhat but it’s still such a shame.
I think women should go their own way. Women have been immensly manipulated that they can and should lean on men for protection, support and stability, so they should get marry to get that. But it is a trap, beacuse men will direct their abuse and anger to their wives and women have nowhere else to go. They are not financially independent and lied to.
narcissism can be passed down through genes that's why it's important to TRULY get to know someone's relatives for an extended amount of time it can also be a learned habit either way it's irreversible... & once their mask falls off their snake scales start to show
@@c11xitlaly yep, I did not know my in laws as they live in another country. My MIL manipulated me too but once I called out the dysfunction her true colors showed. Total snake. My husband was completely blind to the manipulation all these yrs. Sad
My Mil finally tied the knot at about 55! But even then she needed her son to do all of the things for both of them now, and take the belittling from 2 now. My spouse was severly abused in all the ways as a child so he is accustomed, then he comes home to me and his cup runneth over... and then he bleeds toxicity all over me.
