Adoption & Abandonment Trauma for Anxious Preoccupied & Fearful Avoidants 

Hi Thais and staff! This year has been one of the most distressing and frustrating years of my life. I wanted to take this time to thank you for your content. Your warmth and lovely voice have been a great assistance to me. Not that long ago, i got back in touch with an old friend who i now know is a DA. One of the reasons we parted ways last time was because i personalised every time she pushed me away. I stumbled upon your videos, and i can't tell you how much they have helped me and my friendship. I needed this. You have shown me that my friend isn't a bad person or rude or selfish, she's just a little scared and has her own way of dealing with things. By taking your advice and learning to empathise with her, i've been blessed by God with a wonderful friendship with an absolutely beautiful friend. I hope you know the effect you are having on people's lives. I'm a little teary eyed as i write this but i wanted you to know what a help you've been. I wish i could give you a hug! You're a great example to people that DA's can still be great people underneath all of it. To you and your staff on here... Merry Christmas and God bless. PS... i LOVE your hair ;) hehe

Thank you for this one and THANK YOU for validating that adoption is a traumatic event. No one wants to believe that. I’m a fearful avoidant adoptee and sometimes feel that the damage done is greater than I can overcome.

Oh my GOD. I SO NEEDED THIS VIDEO!!! As an adoptee, learning about attachement styles have been a huge revelation for me. Thank you Thais!! ❤️

I’m adopted and I perceived a lack of my inherent worth with my adopted parents, I felt neglected. Double whammy

I am a transracial adoptee with a fearful avoidant attachment style, thank you so much for this video, and most importantly for acknowledging that Adoption IS trauma.

I am very optimistic about how when we change that relationship to ourselves, it opens up room for us to be surrounded by people who show up for us. Very nice video. Have a good day all, I'm gonna go play in the snow now!

I just want to say I have been adopted.. And I had to do inner work.. Loving my inner child. Self compassion being kind to myself. Stop trying to please. And at times I still trigger. However I understand myself. I have had long term relationships. Had two amazzzing children.. I'm not going to lie at times I still get triggered however at these times I ramp up my inner child love and self compassion. Xx I have become a transpersonal therapist who helps support many adoptees. So my adoption has been a gift. 🎉

Anxious Attachment Core Wound: Love is inconsistent If you are anxious-attached, your primary caregiver (parents) attended to your needs occasionally. You couldn’t depend on them to be there for you all the time. As a result, you became an adult that was always on edge and wondering if things would work out in relationships because who the hell knows if it really is going to work out? This is what you literally think to yourself. You become very invested in your relationships because you are trying to finally solve that subconscious wound of abandonment from infancy. But because you’re doing too much, you may scare people away with your intensity or the slightest distancing the other person does is like reopening your wound with a crowbar. Solution You have to remind yourself daily that love is all around you and that there are people who can give love consistently. By replacing the unconscious notion that no one is going to be there for you with this new one, you change your filter of perception and will begin to see the appropriate suitors. When the negative self-talk emerges of “he’s leaving because he doesn’t care about me” or “I’m afraid to approach her because she’ll probably disappoint me too” don’t try to get rid of it. That’ll only make them louder. Honor the fact that those thoughts came up but understand that they would only block you from a potentially happy relationship and let them go.

I'm an adopted person who has a preoccupied anxious attachment style. I'm also an ENTP with ADHD. It gets hairy sometimes bc I have to be able to distinguish my logic from my emotions, but resources like this video and content on your website have been hugely pivotal in my personal growth. Thanks for doing what you do! You're impacting peoples lives for the better, and you're making the world a better place. Edit: I was adopted as an infant. My parents have always felt like they are my biological parents, but they are so different from me on an intellectual level. Mom has been kind of detached and is an ISFP, and Dad has been overly involved bordering on overbearing and is an ISFJ. Both types are opposite of mine, and it's probably part of why I felt alienated at times.

I needed this topic to appear. Many thanks Thais!

Absolutely amazing. Thank you so much. Much love from the UK. x

Would love to know more about how the adoption situation can then blend with the attachment style that comes from the new adoptive parents.

Thanks for discussing such a large topic. I wish I had this information during dating an adopted person. Perhaps can discuss the attachment dynamic of dating an adopted fearful dismissive how to support them or when its just too big of a red flag, and supporting the self. And is bonding double the work?

I've been wanting to see a video on this!! Thanks

Adopted at birth, then again at 6 months, abandoned at 17 by the ones who raised me. Let's just say I'm very independent

Awesome thanks. I need this class

Here To heal my adoption abandoned child issues

Awesome thanks for sharing this with me. I qaa adopted and I play with this issue

I was adopted at 2 and there was a lot of abuse in my adopted home. I signed up for the school a month ago and haven’t done anything but watch the webinars... I’ve been on Chapter 1 of Emotional Mastery & Belief Reprogramming for weeks...

My DA partner was adopted at age two. At first I thought he might be FA, but he took the attachment style quiz and identified strongly as DA. How does this relate? Is it very unusual for an adopted child to be DA? I suppose any mix of attachment styles is possible? Being FA, I shared some FA videos with him, and he said that he identified with them too. He recognizes, and sees the connection to his adoption of his abandonment anxiety, but I don't think he suspects the impact or origin of his dismissiveness (on the contrary, he is proud to be so independent). On reflection, I realized that both of his parents, while wonderful in their individual ways, were emotionally detached. Go figure. Thank you for all the amazing and insightful videos. I don't comment on all the many I've watched, but I've deeply appreciated each one. You are making a huge difference to so many people's live, and in particular I speak for myself. If only everyone would discover and heal their wounds!

Thank you so much, Thais! How about perceived adoption? When I was 8-9, I imagined I had been adopted, probably because my parents were quite old, and I kept pestering them with questions about that... Finally, my aunt convinced me I hadn't been adopted (which is true) but actually told me that there is a phase every child goes through when they believe they had been adopted. She said it was normal, she had passed it, too... Little did I know, before the age of 46, that this bit wasn't true at all... Not every child grows up thinking they were adopted... My aunt had inadvertently passed her own childhood trauma onto me...

Thank you so much!! This is beautiful!

Thais! Could you please talk about losing interest when people start to reciprocate feelings? I am a fearful avoidant have noticed a pattern of questioning my own feelings once the guy decides he’d like to be with me. It’s like perhaps I choose this person specifically because they don’t put me in the “bad guy” position yet. When people start to have interest in me all the sudden I am aware that I have a great power to hurt them or let them down. A great responsibility.

🙏🙏🙏How do you heal this core wound?

I have developed a secure attachment system but am in a relationship with a man with an avoidant style. I am finding that it triggers abandonment wounds. I am talking to him about my internal reality and wonder if this will be a major incompatibility. I can address my wounds with compassion but I don’t want to live without what I deserve which is a healthy reciprocal emotional exchange that meets my needs. I am afraid I have a problem and choice to make. But ultimately am ready for a healthy relationship. Sad to be aware of what is happening, but am hopeful that I’ll choose a partner with a secure attachment style. His avoidance style is just a lot of work and not fulfilling.

I was adopted and had a serious operation at a very young age which left me in an oxygen tent for a couple weeks but my attatchment style assesment says I'm dissmisive. How do these events correlate?

Would this apply to your father abandoning you?

I was adopted at birth i don't my biological parents but from what my mom was a drug addict

Love this do u have ig and do u do interviews on podcasts

Is this ghosting, manipulation, narcissism or she likes me? I had a case like this. She is not such a close girl, friend, etc. It was a chance acquaintance on her initiative. Everything was ok, communication was friendly even though we know it wasn't, because we haven't known each other before. I went out to meet her a little with some little things. Chatting about us, that is, about me because I was interrogated, joking and then suddenly for no reason as if she was angry, nagging at me. I didn’t ask anything why, because I don’t want to extract words and explanations. I understand how it started with words, that's how it can end. I was refused coffee with only a negative answer. She didn't even try to agree, we didn't understand each other, you misunderstood me, I didn't mean the same as you, to say I can't again, I'm really busy, unfortunately. She just acted so rude as if I had just met her on the street and asked her out. Nothing, thank you, I'm not glad we met, but our communication must stop. Afterwards, everything was ok, we called nicely, but there was no more chatting. I don't know the reason, I know. I respect the decision not to, but I don’t understand such contact at the beginning and behavior at the end with some people whether the girl looked at me as a friend or a crush. And it doesn't matter if I saw her as a friend or a crush. I don't understand the interruption of communication at all, because there is no reason, there was no quarrel, even more so that I did something bad, she could say that I hurt her in some way, insulted her. I’m not mad at that person, I wish her all the best, and maybe even better that there was nothing to not disappoint each other and not let hard words fall. This time, due to strange circumstances and the meeting place, I let it pass without explanation. By the way, I don't like them doing that to me. Everything has its reason, beginning and end. She has a boyfriend all the time.

Aa a child I use to knock on all the doors of my so-called friends to play baseball and basketball and football 🏈

Adopted at 9 months, contacted by biological mother at 13yrs...... When feeling a strong attraction to opposite sex ie; a male a physical barrier appears....like looking through a cling film wrapper and the male looks distorted so I am no longer attracted. I believe this to be a negative thought pattern.....ie the disruption at 13 yrs/ puberty. Has anyone else experienced this physical barrier? It certainly is fascinating but has ruined even the beginning of potential relationships. I've looked at research journals but not found anything on it. I would like to be able to dissolve it ?

I was adopted, I hate why I was put for adoption, but grateful for the family who adopted me! I'm Asian but my family and parents who adopted me which are my True parents are white Itialian so I got bullied all My life, you name it I got bullied for it! Bullied for being adopted to all the way to my family or being me! Idk who I am it's been a Hell of a journey!! My thing is I my love my family but I don't show love I hate hugs, I never kiss my mom, I'm distant show effection and my past boyfriend and current I just don't want it! IDK how to explain it but I don't want love or show it though emotions or Gestures! I don't hold hands or kiss or cuddle all of thing that you do in a relationship is gross to me!

Ahaa, I commented on another video of yours today asking if you could be both and what do you know but mm I'm adopted 😅