After a little night drinking my ex early on told me "I really like you, more than I should. And that scares me. Please don't hurt me" I thought she was crazy because all I wanted was to be with her. But she constantly was looking for signs that I would hurt her. Until I couldn't do anything without her over thinking it as me being ready to leave her. I probably said some things that didn't help looking back. But for the last year I've thought about her every day. I miss her. I'm sad that getting closer caused her so much stress. She would ring me having a break down because of her fears. Then she disconnected and blamed it all on me and moved on..hurts man
This sounds like me so much however I didn't pull away, he did! I noticed him slipping away and every time I would questions things he would become defensive and sometimes critical/spiteful/disrespectful and then we would calm but eventually he pulled the plug because he doesn't feel the same anymore... Yet there was still so much love and affection every day until the day he ended it. So confused!
Exactly same thing with me. "I really like you, and I'm scared, because then I will start to care about you and I don't want to care about other people". It really hurt when she pulled away
I'm so sorry to hear that. I realize that I have sabotaged my last relationship, details can not be shared here. I thought he was not emotionally available, but it seems to me after watching this, that it was me, not him. Leave before he leaves me after a few of my ups and downs.
God. This just described my ex to a T. She has ran from anything and everything her whole life. Constantly moving to new cities, new relationships, new jobs. Extremely impulsive behaviors and decisions. We moved hot and heavy in the beginning, and as soon as we got "close" she would withdraw, go hot and cold, ghost and breadcrumb. She's getting therapy, but I had to move on for my own sanity. We ended the relationship and I felt so emotionally drained and unseen/unheard. It was always about her feelings and fears the entire time no matter how proactive, safe, and communicative I was....
this is what my mom did too because she was in abusive relationships so she ran even when she wasnt in one. if you have an issue like ADHD and autism you get used to people not liking you or attacking anf they may not see motive just behavior. and its a matter of time before you piss your partner off. Then RSD and feel terrible. but the funny thing is my BF was just like this. push-pull dynamic and I ran. and now I am curious if we wernt mirroring each other and both are avoidants
@@FM-zg5hz I send her a text letting her know how everything was impacting me, and then she blocked me on everything. lol. A year later and I can't tell you how much of a better place and headspace I'm in. Don't believe she's in therapy or ever started it (shocker). I've been in therapy every week for 2 years, and that experience was a big wake up call for me.
Please keep in mind that she doesn't want to be like that. She is most likely deeply traumatized and not able to face it if she won't go to therapy. I am in therapy myself. I'm not saying that how she treated you was right, but the inner turmoiil she navigates each day is probably very painful for her.
I totally relate, I tried everything in my last relationship to communicate in a healthy way, to approach difficult topics carefully, to have more trust in each other and nothing worked. I spent the last months of that relationship feeling very sad and disappointed in their behavior, I just kept getting pushed away and ignored and I decided to break up because of my mental health and inner peace, I am feeling much better now that I'm by myself though
"I am bad" DUDE! I LITERALLY HATE MYSELF FOR THINGS 😩😩😩 I break up with people and then cry. And then, half of the time I am hating myself and other half of the time, I am hating them. It's so exhausting, cause nothing works. "goes out of way to do the right thing cause can't stand the guilt of being bad" YES 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I was unknowingly dating a fearful avoidant. It was an incredibly wonderful relationship that I would not have risked. Over the course of the relationship she gathered small clues which she combined and interpreted that I was going to leave her. Seemingly overnight we went from shopping for engagement rings to her detaching and leaving me with a look of disgust on her face. I am crushed.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I freaked out when my boyfriend proposed too. We were just talking about it and everything changed for me . I became paranoid sure that he would lure me in and then humiliate me I wanted to run! Even though I loved him and before that moment had wanted to get married. It was bizarre and I didn’t understand it myself-I actually found Thias and her materials around that time and I couldn’t believe how well she was describing me. I hope you can find peace. ❤
@@tedtalksrock thanks for sharing your experience. I’ve been watching Thias ever since trying to make sense of things. It’s been about 6 months and I’m starting to get my feat under me. Meanwhile my ex is on her 2nd or 3rd relationship since. That’s life.
This is so me. Im an FA/DA who keeps running from my almost 5 yr relationship because I don’t feel safe. I feel trapped, overwhelmed by his needs and emotions, unable to express my own, and perpetually guilty because he loves and cares for me through so much FA/DA behavior. He is getting tired though and I can’t blame him. I’m afraid of losing him, but I don’t know if I should just let him go bc I don’t know who I really am and what my feelings are, underneath all the faulty/painful programming from childhood... Thank you so much Thais for holding a mirror up for me to recognize myself and start getting clear about it all. 🙏💕
Well make a change first for you ,stop living in fear ,change your perspective on seeing and feeling things ,communicate (nobody is going to leave if you communicate yourself properly) cause your partner don't deserve this hurt,is not fair that your partner do the change and get your needs meet and don't receive the same respect,hope you understand what I'm trying to say !!
@@michirista I do understand. Relationships are a cauldron where we get to experience and work through all our stuff... we are doing it as lovingly and respectfully as possible. Honest communication is key and in this we are both learning how to make that happen. Thank you for your input and I wish you well in your journey. :)
@@alexandral1731 So proud that you are aware of your situation and want to improve it ,remember that is not your fault growing this way but once you recognize that is your responsibility to "upgrade" yourself,wish you the best be honest and acertive always brings you peace !!! 😊
I get so scared when someone loves me too much. I can't explain why. It makes me feel super weak and helpless when I am so in love with a partner..I just want to run away and hide.. leave them before they leave me because I feel like they will eventually get tired of me and just leave me alone.. and I feel like I will not be able to handle the pain when they leave..so I don't trust anyone because they will destroy me
Meanwhile the one guy that loves you more than anything on earth you destroy because YOU ARE AFRAID of someone who loves you MIGHT hurt you down the road. Maybe you're right, avoidants should stay alone because you wind up passing on your totally illogical flawed belief systems onto totally innocent people.
I only found out recently that I’m a fearful avoidant. I got out of a long term emotionally abusive relationship where I was super anxiously attached. Then when I started dating someone who actually really liked me and was kind and genuine, I pushed him away all the time. It may not be repaired this time, but I want to fix my issues for the future.
I’m definitely fearful avoidant, and once you break trust, I can never trust that individual again. It takes time to build trust, but moments to break it. Example, if someone lies, I will ask why? If someone can’t give an answer or say sorry, and in turn, be honest for why they lied, they are not accountable and can’t be trusted. If they apologize and ask for forgiveness, I will forgive. Now, some things can never be forgiven, like cheating.
I think both my husband and I are fearful avoidant, but we express it on opposite sides of the spectrum which happens to be each others’ triggers. I shut down, he blows up; I lose weight from anxiety, he eats more to cope; trust is broken on both sides, we both feel unsafe. We have a lot of work to do to reprogram our subconscious beliefs. I can only work on myself though, and hopefully it will bring about the foothold we need for a better dynamic.
It’s really important to know if your partner is triggering you with real and valid actions, or if it’s all fear! If your partner is flirting and connecting with the opposite sex, mistreating you by speaking to you in a condescending tone, or taking advantage of you in any way that makes you feel unsafe… maybe it is actually that person. A person like this is not working to make you feel secure, they are feeding your insecurity. This is straight up logic.
I have realized this with my past ex. I revealed my past to her which I previously lied about due to insecurity, she unconsciously shut off and began to distance herself from me for fear of feeling unsafe. This is something she now has to deal with without me as she is not my problem anymore. She has jumped into a rebound which means she has given up entirely on us and so I don’t think she’ll be working over those fears. I shouldn’t be the one convincing her of my self worth, if she can’t see that I’m actually a good person, it’s really on her. I just hope one day she can fix her fragmented sense of trust as now I see that is why she has so few friends because she is scared of being betrayed again.
Literally my situation. I have beaten myself up for months thinking how terrible of a person I am and regretting if i wouldn’t lie due to my own insecurities probably i could save this relationship. I think you’d understand how much it takes to reveal your past, come clean after lying and trying to hide the truth because of the fear that the truth will drift them away. it takes everything to love and trust someone to that level that you value the truth more than anything cause they deserve the absolute authentic you. He left me feeling broken and with the lesson to never trust anyone ever again or to put my heart on my sleeve. But it’s disappointing that he refuses to work on his own issues, he thinks he is right in his own way. I wish he finds a way to learn not everyone’s journey is the same, not every truth comes outright, people can take time and that’s okay. I hope he finds a way to repair his broken trust and love someone beyond their flaws and mistakes. I might not be that person but i genuinely hope he is happy
You're failing to recognize the damage that lying did to the relationship. The fact that you came clean was good, but that the fact that you lied destroyed trust, at least to some degree. Even though you expressed that you did it because of insecurity, that doesn't necessarily heal the wound within your former partner. Lying does serious damage to a relationship.
@@russride I understand the damage it did to the relationship. I’m just hurt that she gave up on me. This is something I won’t repeat but I loved her so much. I didn’t want to lose her because of my own trauma and insecurity. I understand your response comes from a place of logic and now that I’ve spaced myself from the relationship, I can see it too. It doesn’t change the pain.
I’m so sorry for your loss. This is painful. You will have such a stronger foundation and a really bright future. I know you are grieving the loss of the relationship with someone you truly loved. I just want to encourage you: you are strong and even more resilient than you know. I hope that you will feel peace about the relationship that is over, and that you will find a new love who will be able to grow with you patiently. Wishing you love and hope for the future!
On point as usual Thais! I now understand why I uprooted my life so many times, just starting over and over again. I went from 28% secure to 40% secure in a couple of months without even starting the courses but just by looking at the webinars and using the reprogramming tools you recommend. Never thought it could happen. I am so happy! I so appreciate your way of explaining, it is so direct, simple to understand and with so much empathy, your work is invaluable. Thank you 🙏
I hurt myself for other people’s “sake” I’ll push myself down or avoid direct conflict if I feel unsafe or lack trust. I’ll start to hurt myself or swallow the pain of the impact of other peoples action
Sure do see my old patterns in here and some are still lingering around. So true, no matter how hard we try the subconscious always wins and it’s just a matter of time so the sooner you know those core wounds ya better start to reprogram!
Not even 5 min in and you have hit my biggest two core fears/beliefs directly on the head. Best video I’ve seen on self sabotage. I realized this all a bit ago, but mine definitely has to do with having a narc, manipulative, parent where my childhood life was so unpredictable/hot and cold. So mine has to do with sabotaging happiness because I believe shit will hit the fan.
I'd like to ask a question, hopefully without anyone biting my head off, but I'd so appreciate a thoughtful/honest answer. What would be the incentive, for a secure attachment style, to try to date (or become romantically involved) with a fearful avoidant? As background: I stepped outside my preferred relational scenario (secure/secure) to attempt this, because I felt a unique soul bond with a fearful avoidant. However the blowing hot/cold, mixed messages, hard-to-decipher, intimacy-killing behaviors are rapidly becoming too much. I feel like I need to go back to college & earn another degree in psychology just to date this person. While it would seem (from the countless videos I've watched) that this behavior is more subconscious and instinctive than it is deliberate, it does come across (to a bewildered secure attachment style) as some kind of game playing. Apart from spending all my time trying to decode someone else's odd behaviors, it's clear they're not spending equal time pondering the (obvious) effects their constant vacillation between retreat & advance would have on another person, emotionally-speaking. At any rate, I am so disappointed, I saw all the flags from the get-go, I knew this person had an attachment issue, but I also thought that pairing up with someone very secure would enable them to "rise" to the occasion (so to speak) & maybe feel more comfortable? ...Capable of being brave & dipping their toe into the evil lake of intimacy? (*As I don't send off trust-violating signals & other "triggering" behaviors, being self aware.) In any case, I am, at this point, feeling regretful for having taken this risk. It's nothing new for the fearful avoidant, they blow hot & cold for every connection they have, but for myself, as a secure person (sporting a largely happy healthy relationship history), I've never had a partner treat me with so much (seeming) inconsideration in my life... and while I honestly don't wanna swear off dating persons with attachment issues forevermore (cuz all people deserve love), I'm forced to ask myself, what's in it for me? (Don't kill the asker, it's a reasonable question.) What do I get, if anything, out of this connection? (...A connection which doesn't foster peace or harmony on account of one person's unstable behaviors??) I don't wanna be a martyr, I just wanna connect... did I make a mistake for willingly stepping outside the comfortable predictability of the secure attachment dating bubble? Any pointers, encouragement, or observations would be greatly appreciated. (Thanks & have a blessed day.)
Really enjoyed reading your question as someone who just found out they are an FA it’s interesting to see how my very similar behaviour to your person can be perceived by other people. Honestly if they don’t know or acknowledge they have a fear of initimacy then don’t bother starting a relationship with that person, however if they have acknowledged they have issues that they are trying to work on then finding a secure person is a great because an FA that is trying to improve would really appreciate the fact you havent triggered their trust issues and if you have been very safe throughout then they would try to rise to the occasion… maybe not at the start because they would keep thinking ok how is this person going to prove me right and disappoint me however when they can see that you have been true to your word consistently they should start to lower their guard and open up
@@saraadam3941 Awesome, thanks for that encouragement. ...This particular person has come around again (after a second six months of no contact), & I wonder how I can gently acknowledge their fear of intimacy without putting them on the defense (I don't want to sound accusatory). But thus far, neither of us have acknowledged it as an issue, & I've just been patient as they exit (& return) a few times... do you have any suggestions for how I might bring this fear up (when for varying reasons, I get the distinct impression they're trying to conceal their issues with intimacy, for fear I might judge them). We haven't exactly discussed a topic this personal & intimate before, cuz as you can imagine, this person is more accustom to (& more comfortable with) superficial topics, or else serious topics that are less personal (in other words, not about them). ...I've been trying to let them set the pace a little, so they don't feel pressured. (In a sense, I already pressured them the second time they backed away, by asking whether they were "willing to invest in mining our potential," I phrased it that way in an attempt to convey that breadcrumming is unacceptable (& a turnoff), but alas, I think it sounded somewhat "demanding" & spooked them off.) They always come back around a few months later, so I know there's feelings there... I just know they're also battling their own inner demons surrounding stepping outside their comfort zone, but I'm trying my best to balance their limitations with the fact that my patience is starting to run thin. (It puts me in the awkward & somewhat demeaning position of having to "convince" someone to love me, whereas I look at my presence in someone's life as a blessing, not a burden.) In any case, I am trying to navigate what seems like two opposite natural dispositions here, so if you've got ideas about how I can bring up their discomfort surrounding intimacy without possibly provoking their triggers, that'd be dope. (Then again, there's always the chance that this topic simply can't be discussed absent my companion feeling a sense of provocation?) *heavy sigh*
I'm here watching this video for similar reasons although only a couple months in, and just experienced my first seeming slow fade from her, out of nowhere, when things had seemed really great when other life circumstances became overwhelming (she did cop to it, apologize and communicate feelings clearly when I diplomatically called out, to her credit). We have a talk scheduled coming up, but she already seems to be firing out many excuses for why she thinks she can't show up in the relationship or it won't work... While simultaneously indicating how much she likes me and how I'm a better communicator and more emotionally available than any previous guy. This combined with language I know recognize about being "scared" of our connection despite previous marriage and serious relationships, which I now understand. Similarly bewildering for me as a secure with only very mild dismissive tendencies (which might just be having been an only child and being headstrong and type A). Despite the hallmarks being there for FA with her including early childhood abuse, we have a truly extraordinary connection in certain ways and she is a very impressive, caring and accomplished person. All that said I find myself wondering if I even should entertain moving forward, for the same reasons as you, as much as I like her? I really don't know, or if she will even allow it without self-sabotaging. Anyway, just commiserating here. Best of luck to you.
Could you make a video on how to get unstuck? I’m an FA with ADHD and I struggle so much with procrastination and self-sabotage when it comes to achieving my goals. I know no one will prioritize me and my goals like I need to. I’m actively working on this. One of my big love languages is acts of service/prioritizing others and helping them achieve their goals. Why can’t I do that for myself? xD How do I build up that self-trust/self-discipline. I finally figured out how to ace it with regular exercise routine. Has done wonders for me. But still struggling in other areas. For example, I want my driver’s license. So bad. xD but can’t seem to make myself study for test.
I am ADHD and regular exercise has also immensely helped with self discipline, keeping promises to myself, and proving my capability. I became a trainer because it helped so much and I want it to help others. Try to actually see parallels between lifting/exercising and goal setting achieving-because it is. Small bites. First day you’re running for 3 minutes, or lifting 5lbs. Over time add little increments of time/weight. Eventually you reach the bigger goal. Best of luck 🤞🏼
so true.. the guy I’ve been dating is one of those people who vacillates between their thoughts/opinions on things, changes his mind a lot, or just plays devils advocate.. and I don’t know if we’ll ever make it work because that’s where my alarm bells start ringing. I didn’t recognize it as what you pointed out in this video, but it’s because it makes me feel like I can’t trust him. Even if it’s in an innocent way, it signals to my brain - I can’t trust this person generally. And that makes me feel uneasy and unsafe. I love being around him and apart from that he’s so attentive and caring and funny and loyal… but maybe it’s more important for me to be with someone more steady, predictable, grounded… I don’t know :(
after watching your videos i started to change now i can be a more vulnerable and speak about my needs but overprotecting myself haven't change at all, i guess that's like the final boss lol, by the way thanks a lot for all the information that you put here on RU-vid.
I'm honestly still confused as to why am I only a fearful avoidant when it comes to romantic relationships. Cause like I am the total opposite with my friends or my family😭
Yeah I want emotional closeness and someone to love and understand me but as soon as someone starts to I get scared and feel trapped and self sabotage or look for an out. But I realize its because I deep down believe im unlovable and no ones going to ever love and accept me for me and im only safe alone so as soon as I start to get close with someone or someone seems to genuinely like me, I freak out and sabotage it so I can affirm that believe that im unlovable and no ones ever going to love or accept me for me and im safest alone. I hope I can find a way to overcome this and have a healthy relationship oneday.
I think it'd be useful to actually compile and provide a list of possible fears and painful beliefs about trust that people can have. Because I know that personally, and quite a few people I've spoken to, when asked what beliefs, it's hard to actually come up with them. Like I can feel myself going oh maybe this maybe that, and then someone else says "this particular belief they have" then I'm like OHH YEAH THAT ONE! And sometimes if I'm lucky, I then get a flow of my internal world surfacing. So I think various examples are always useful to help people trigger their own realisations.
The writing exercise is SO helpful! I did it before around my beliefs about women and it was no wonder that I kept attracting women that fulfilled those beliefs.
Thais! You share what nobody does, and things everyone needs to hear. What's the difference between a fear avoidant self-sabotaging the relationship by pushing someone away and setting boundaries with someone you see yourself catching feelings for but show some signs of the relationship not working out?
Simply love your teachings:-) You are so insightful and spot on! Yes, I can totally relate to this video, 'TRUSTING' to me is the most fearful emotion to have and yes, I go out of my way to never put myself in a 'VULNERABLE' situation. At any time, any signs of people breaking my trust, let me just say it doesn't take much and I am out of there! Staying on my own has proven to be the safest way to live (although safe but quite lonely as well!) However, after watching your many RU-vids I can see the possibility of reprogramming the subconscious mind and replacing it with new sets of programs. Thank you for showing me I can learn to create a safer environment for myself with other people in it:-) I appreciate you and what you do for us.
Any tips on how to help, support, and cope with a self sabotaging fearful avoidant partner? How do I keep from becoming bitter? How do I gain trust back? And how do I calm the fear of abandonment in my partner without them using this safety net to take advantage of me?
So insightful! This helps me to understand the behaviour patterns of my ex, allowing me to know that I am not crazy because of what was playing out between us. Thank you, thank you Thais.
This resonated so much. How is an FA meant to differentiate between them self sabotaging and perceiving/causing distance to stay safe or a genuine disconnect that is happening?
@Globe Lights Thank you! I guess I'm still at the stage where I don't want to ask so I don't put myself in a position where the person can reaffirm negative narratives and core wounds. But you're completely right, their reply is neither negative or positive- just insightful.
I get this feeling and confusion. I felt with this predicament when I almost broke up w my current bf because 1) I self sabotaged and cheated, but 2) even tho I felt bad, I felt it-definitely not justified, but-weirdly, subconsciously inevitable because I thought I was done with the relationship. I used small ways in which we are different to say we were unlike each other, had different interests, goals, perspectives in life, and just in general that it wasn’t gonna work out. I told myself I didn’t know how to break up with him bc nothing was really wrong, we were just growing apart and different and it was hard to admit that. We broke up for about 3 months. During that time I realized I focused on all this as a way to find reasons to leave him. I also finally truly acknowledged and admitted that he treated me with the most understanding, care, love, devotion, and compassion than anyone I’ve ever known. I realized that’s why I did it-due to beliefs I wasn’t deserving of someone like that, and then, erego, eventually he’ll see me for the horrible person I am, and THEN erego he’ll leave me. And of course, because of this, sabotaging the relationship was a self-fulfilling prophecy so I said “see?” To myself, “told ya it wouldn’t work”. So it takes a lot of introspection, but I’ve noticed that if the feeling is more of a feeling of being bored or distant from someone, that could be a sign it’s your own sabotage tendencies IF you have pretty compatible values and goals, and even if not, if they treat you well and you still feel bored and disconnected, that’s a sign too. Understanding and love are what it takes to become more compatible as you grow in the relationship. Now if it’s something major in values, interests, or goals, then it may just not be meant to be. But in my case, I blew them out of proportion without really considering who he was as a person and his treatment of me, just to subconsciously validate my fears and beliefs and escape. Hope that helps. This isn’t foolproof, obviously. Just my experience with similar issues.
@@AnaGfit23 thank you for sharing! I do the ‘told ya it wouldn’t work’ thing all the time. I suppose I never noticed it until you mentioned it. That’s really helpful, I appreciate it
@@bluemoontoon8649 of course! My therapist says writing things down as soon as they happen is important. I’ve graduated yo just being able to recognize a different voice when things come up, but writing helps. You want to be able to step back and notice if you feel like someone else is speaking/behaving/reacting. Also, look at the facts. Like for me, outwardly there was no obvious reason I cheated on my current bf multiple times, but the facts are I was with a parent that created that fear of abandonment/fear of enmeshment or being controlled cycle, so I noticed whenever there was a milestone in our relationship or just when things seemed to be settling into an eery feeling of “everything’s actually going alright” I would self sabotage. Consciously it doesn’t make sense, but what I mean by the facts is the evidence that your behavioral patterns reveal. Once I recognized that pattern and the beliefs and stories i held about commitment and relationships and myself as a person, I could finally trust that I wasn’t just a “bad” person and that cheating was actually just me employing defense mechanisms I no longer needed/that no longer served me. You got this ✨❤️💪🏼
another thing that makes it hard to fully heal is that there are plenty of people in the world who are downright untrustworthy so we’re not crazy to be hesitant to let people in.
thank you beautiful Thais for being such a regulating kind presence in my life. i like i can’t access what i feel or believe about other people even though it would be strange if i trusted people considering my background with complex trauma and choosing unsuitable boy friends. i i’m not sure if i protect myself but i definitely feel like i am unwittingly sabotaging relationships with my behavior. i say choose but it is more like when a few things line up, such as my feeling attracted and the person being interested in my, i feel infatuated at once. it’s embarrassing but it’s like i am genuinely regressing. particularly in romantic relations I act like a child and trust people immediately. no matter how many times i am betrayed, it’s like i am not able to learn to become more careful. it is so overwhelming to my system to become close to someone that as soon as i am in those situations i am so affected and become so blind to anything that is going on that isn’t good. maybe in part it is overwhelming because i am so starved for love and connection. this makes me think it might be helpful if i can begin with lessening this hunger, by increasing love and connection in my life before i try to have a romantic relationship
Would you please do a video on Anxious Preoccupied in the early stages of dating/ getting to know someone? I definitely feel like I'm more securely attached than I ever been but I find it hard to communicate my needs and boundaries in the early stages because it doesn't feel appropriate? Since we've only been in communication for a short period of time it's hard to gauge the the correct timing for conversations. Still wrestling with the fear of overwhelming or scaring someone off by discussing certain things too soon.
Same here ,really important subject ,really difficult to communicate with an DA/FA partner in early dating ,how are you doing ??? I think at some point you have to talk about it with your DA date (you can find in this channel videos about how to have "we need to talk " conversation )and if you think is to early try stay calm and remember is not your fault and let things moving slow and find the moment (try not get mad protect your mental health fist) let me know how it works for you so maybe works for me too !!
@@michirista I ended up taking some time to process the difference between fears that I could self-soothe and things that i knew i needed my partners help with. I wrote down what I would say because i tend to get flustered in the moment and it's nice to see my thoughts in a tangible form. It's important to remind yourself that the lesson in the interaction is more about you confidently communicating your needs than it is about you being received or rejected by your partner. Once I was grounded in that mindset I spoke to him about some of the things I was feeling and I talked openly about what I was doing to work through those feelings and insecurities and things I would appreciate for him to do as well. I didnt apply any pressure. I just simply expressed my needs with no expectations. If he meets me in the middle, then great. If not, then I know where I stand and can now make a clear headed decision about how I want to move forward. He was very understanding but now I'm just taking things slowly and seeing if his behavior matches his kind and understanding words.
@@sipa.8032 thank you so much for your feed back ,and open up your heart here ,I really appreciate that and I'm proud that you recognize someone of your behavior and emotions and try to change it,trust me this give you confidence and moves you to a secure attachmen style in all aspect of your life,I completely understand your frustration,I just can't communicate properly with the person I crush in (I invited on a date and she forgot it) and no contact since that is so frustrating not have just a simple "sorry" I change my mind about you,not in the mood etc !!!
Because of your videos. I stayed single for about 5ish months. After a heartbreak where I had to look inwards. In a relationship now after 4 yrs single and was in a toxic marriage for 17 yrs. Dating for 2 months. I want to not fuck it up. Cause he is special and makes me feel safe.
I’ve found this point very frustrating. I made the mistake of begging and pleading after our breakup. And she has never been able to forgive me for it or move past it, and now is saying I’m the one who ended our bond, I’m the one who’s at fault, and I’m the one who has to fix it all-bc I did an initial beg and plead within the first month . I feel completely shut out. Obviously I do acknowledge I could’ve handled the breakup in a better way, but also at the time I didn’t fully know how to react back then. I’m human. I live, and I make mistakes, but I learn from them. Her abrupt thoughts of me not being trustworthy feels so eggshelly . I’m human and make mistakes. If I’m cut off after one mistake, is that really a safe relationship?
That’s a big fat NO boss lol. You’re not safe because she doesn’t feel safe because she cannot make herself feel safe. All of the blaming is just an excuse on her end to justify why you are broken up. That’s why it makes no logical sense because she’s just grabbed onto the only thing she could think of and went with it without the process of logic etc.
@@burritomaker69 This exactly. You got it. FAs (myself included) will magnify and catastrophize one thing to find a reason as why there's huge wounds. Usually it isn't even about us, but the subconscious programming.
CAN YOU DO A SERIES ON THE NUCELAR FAMILY AND THE PERMUTATIONS OF ATTACHMENT TYPES BETWEEN ROLES EX. FA SIBLING WITH AA SIBLING, DA FATHER WITH DA CHILD, ETC
The "I am bad" side of it is me. I've been noticing that I am doing everything possible for my gf to not be the "bad guy" but my anxiety and emotions are all over the place it's been a crazy month. First relationship and sometimes I just wanna end it but I know that's not truly what I want because she's all I have ever wanted. Great video!
Thank you so much for your videos. I identify as an FA and your videos have been life changing. I started seeing a therapist because of you! On another note, you look really great in your recent videos. I hope you don't find this offensive - I just thought I'd share a nice thought :)
thank you so much I watched this video for second time and I realized its gold and well explained please put more content on this FAs all or nothing belief
I just ended a 6 year relationship, I'm an avoidant and my partner is anxious. I'm heart broken about it but she nagged me about engagement, a ring, moving cross country, and having kids. The pressure became too much and out of fear and anxiety I called it off.
Those seem like pretty reasonable expectations in a healthy relationship, 6 years in. It's fine if you don't want any of this, you are entitled to live your life the way you want to. Just have to find a partner who'd be cool with having none of these fairly standard reasons for why most people enter into relationships (marriage, kids, etc.).
I find your videos interesting but I have a hard time keeping up. You talk SO FAST. I would understand the content better, and it would tire me a lot less, if you could slow down a bit? Otherwise this is a lovely channel that has helped me understand my ex FA a lot better :)
Maybe all Cz each is explained from a different perspective , I guess what is important is to understand the core and root of each perspective and where does it come from
How do you get it to work with an FA? I've literally gone from them being hugely jealous and possessive to total discard. I've talked them down and reassured them and queried their thoughts in relation to negatives to get them to see they aren't real but nothing resolves it for them
the problem is.. i did the course.. i am working on my attachment style. i was in a relationship the past year.. my intuition or whatever told me that he is cheating on me. I was like " oh no that is just my attchment wound telling me this" went on with the relationship... turns out he DID cheat on me the whole time and now left me without talking about the why because hello dismissive avoidant in disguise. I feel betrayed and heartbroken and dont know what to think anymore. How will I ever be able to trust again?
I'd say that's not always the case. When someone changes in a drop of a hat and you can't recognize them anymore, that causes major safety issues. How safe an FA is or will be with the said person. Everyone needs to look at their own behavior.
Us normal people need to be fearful of the fearful avoidants. Avoid them at all costs, it will never end well unless you're ready for a cycle of misery.
Will an FA want to get back together with and AP after a breakup . My ex is FA and Im AP , it’s been 3 months since our breakup. The last time I heard from her was 3 weeks ago. I had ask her out but she told me “not right now , she’s hiding from the world “. I’ve been on NO contact since the breakup but whenever she reaches out to me I do respond to her .
I suggest you take some time out for yourself and become more secure first. As you start doing that work properly, you can also share that knowledge and some videos from this RU-vid channel with your ex FA if you're still in contact with her. I was watching one of Thais's old videos today and in that video she was answering one of the questions coming from PDS member's lounge that asked - how should I tell my ex FA about the attachment style theory and suggest them to work on their attachment style? You can say to your ex FA something like - "Hey, I've been taking this course and it's really helping me to become more secure in x y z ways. I'm sharing some videos with you. If you get some time, do check them and see if it's something you'd be interested in or if it's helpful for you " FAs, of all attachments styles, are more likely to take any such opportunity to learn more about themselves so hopefully you both can work at it together and have a beautiful relationship going forward. Remember, its NOT YOUR responsibility to fix someone. If your partner is not doing their part in showing up consistently and communicating their needs with respect, YOU have the responsibility to walk out of that relationship and respect your boundaries. Much healing and love x
My ex is a da w a lil fa... he broke things up with me 4 months back despite loving me.. He is seeing a therapist... But at times, he will push me so so much. Through watching videos, i told him, i will respect his decision.. Im an AP working my way to secured.. before i would go crazy now, i leave him... It is painful seeing them self sabotaging:(
I keep hearing childhood events, but could a parent suffering an untimely death decades earlier than expected - have a similar impact, especially if it the FA had a much stronger connection with the passing parent? I also wonder if they were not likely struggling with FA before that. I pray for their peace. Thanks for sharing this knowledge.
I was dating a FA attachment guy, he was a dream, then because of this own fears and insecurities he started to react in a rude way whenever I triggered something. I was having a hard time because of that and also because he put emotional distance whenever we had an argument so I ask him for a few days off like 3 days, and can you believe he just met someone, when to a party, kissed someone else and then told me like he wanted to he with her ? Just because I asked him 3 days off because of his fault, he hurt me, he was rude, he was distance, and the he did this shit? I have empathy for his childhood and everything but this is shit
What is the difference between the "sabotaging" a relationship and "self-sabotaging" a relationship? Would love if someone could help clear this up for me. Thank you.
Can a fearful avoidant be anxiously attach to one person and consider them their whole world and be clingy and be avoidant with whole world like cousins and family?
Is there a way to rebuild trust with an FA if this happens, such as they shut down after a perceived betrayal and completely push you away? Does this feeling diminish over time in the FA? Like as the emotions subside, are they able to see the situation more clearly?
If you go to the Fearful Avoidant playlist/album on this channel there are videos that will help with this. From memory there's an exact video about "broken trust." It's on the picture of the video, not in the title.
Other videos that will help are the ones about the deactivating strategies, strategies to build a healthy relationship, communicating your needs, and getting back with an ex :)
I’m a fearful avoidant and self sabotage as I’m scared of being left for an ex / someone else.. but how do I differentiate between my gut feeling and a person is bad news or if it’s me creating trust issues in my head??? I can’t tell the difference. Do I look out for red flags? Because I have seen plenty of them so this must be my gut feeling right??
Hi Melissa, I’ve had the same question and did some research. The gut feeling is from a clear, safe, stable mind. When our mind is spinning and filled with anxiety, fear, insecure, the feeling is more likely from the emotion, not from the gut
I am very interested in the jealousy and trust course that you are mentioning here in the video. I consider myself to have an FA attachment style, and am currently in the midst of moving on from a very meaningful relationship...I dont know where things will end up, but regardless I want to make sure I work on and address some things that I have identified I need to work on. Can I participate and work through your courses without currently/actively being in a relationship? I ask given that the status of my current relationship is so up in the air at the moment. Thank you!
Here's my thinking; certain types of people who are more 'at risk' of being disrespected, 'attacked', put upon, are also more at risk of being betrayed, hurt.... etc. So, for instance people of colour in a predominantly white society will feel more at risk, and may develop fearful avoidance. Women in a predominantly patriarchal society will feel more at risk, and may develop fearful avoidance..., Introverts in a predominantly 'shouty' community, situation or set of circumstances, will feel more at risk in certain situations, ..and may develop fearful avoidance... etc. etc... How do these 'certain types of people' reclaim their power, despite, and regardless of the situation they find themselves in?
Would you consider a video on what sort of person marries a totally untreated, very severe FA/DA who will run just from being asked even a simple question about his emotions? I saw this happen over and over for over a decade, with many short relationships as a result, but the marriage he made after that has lasted over 30 yrs. so far. The subject of emotions can't even be broached with this man, and I would like to know more about how and why and what sort of woman could put up with it. I've read about it being a specific personality type that is the only one who can handle it. A video on whether certain MBTI types are more likely to be secure, DA, FA or AA would be interesting also, as well as good matches, since most will not change.
@@SK-no2pp - That is just what I thought, but she is a feminist with a big career who refused to take his last name, and I guess I don't think those two things go together, though I may be wrong. I guess she may be a workaholic just like him who doesn't need emotional feedback at all. I could never stand it, that's for sure!
@@meagiesmuse2334 statistically, the most high powered independent women at work suffer from codependency the most in the dark. Feminism doesn’t have to do with it
@@SK-no2pp - Hmm.... could be. I haven't worked in anything but our home office in ages, so I don't know. An expert says that the most likely MBTI type to put up with a male INTJ, let alone one who is very DA, for any length of time is the ESFJ, which is very subservient, traditional, and looks to the INTJ to tell her what to do and believe. I guess someone could be split like that work vs. home, but it seems like a stressful way to live. People are strange though!
@Anthony Timmers she split up with me 5 times in 5 years. From 2 weeks to 4 months. Final time was because she felt unwanted and unloved because she pushed me away. I've not heard from her in 8 months. I just think about her everyday. 😩
