Oh how I needed this! Im having such a very hard time, my Mother had a stroke August 2nd of this year. She was in the hospital then a rehab and when they discharged her I thought I shouldn't put her in a nursing home so I brought her home with me and my husband . We have 2 grown children who come by to help but Im having such a hard time, she doesn't want me to leave the room, doesn't want me to walk outside , only sit by her. Ive actually been doing that. I get her up in the morning with my husbands help and get her back in the bed with his help. I'm almost at a breaking point. I love her so much , but to be honest she has always had a demanding personality. Im her only child and the guilt is awful. but I need to admit that I do resent her for not understanding how I have put my life on hold to care for her.She doesn't realize that I have done this . I believe no ....I KNOW she expects me to do this. She mentally has very little forgetfulness, I swear I think she knows what she's doing. Ok thank you for giving me the space to rant. keep up your good work of helping people. I wish you could help me sit and talk to her. God Bless ....
thank you for sharing, I resonate with some of what you are saying. Mom has been living with me since health issue occurred six months ago. I too am at a breaking point. She is demanding and I know she is having more than memory issues, perhaps more severe. I am it, my two sisters are jerks and are interested in protecting themselves blah blah. It just doesn't stop. Here is the thing. now I am venting. Today she got physically aggressive with our beloved caregiver and pushed her, she has been increasingly verbal abusive. None of this is pretty and it just keep getting worse. Lord Jesus, mother Mary please help us all.
Thank you for sharing this! Same Only daughter - demanding mother- expects me to put down my life for her care. My 90 year old mom became ill about three months ago hospitalized diagnosed with terminal illness on hospice but requires direct care; meals assistance while walking, going to bed etc., I moved in but after two months, leaving my home daughter spouse to care for her… now I’ve reached a breaking point… up nights, working full time… I over estimated my abilities… which I have my own health issues which my mom could care less about. Now thinking of a long term care/respite plan; I’m at the end of my rope. Thank you for sharing 🙏🏽💛
I have extremely difficult parents. Very possessive and verbally abusive. I am a Christian and want to do the right thing to honor them. I have tried your approach, and I feel liberated. I practice, like you said. My caring and supportive responses don't change my parents, but they affect positively how I feel. I feel calm. I don't engage in arguments or react. I don't lose it as often. I say: I am happy to do this for you, this is what I can do, see you later. I let them deal with their own negativity. The end. No resentment eating me up, no ruminating. I will keep practicing being a ''cloud' to preserve my sanity. thank you❤
My 81-year-old mother has 36 conditions are including, COPD, heart failure, kidney failure, leukemia, diverticulitis, colitis,. She still drinks and smokes, and her house is completely filthy. Every time I go to her house, I get sick. I can’t get her doctor to declare that she needs a guardian. Whenever she eats a food, she’s not supposed to eat, starts drinking, or smoking, she ends up in the emergency department. I am so sick and tired of dropping everything - - I’m an only child, and my father died seven years ago - - to help her. She won’t help herself. It’s like she’s trying to kill herself. I have cut my visits to once a month. They’re very short because your house smells of cigarettes, cat, urine, air, freshener, etc. I literally get physically ill every time I go there. I can’t feel guilty about this. She’s the one that’s creating the situation, and the doctor does not think she has cognitive impairment. I got a let it go. I’m wrestling with guilt, but I know in my right mind there’s nothing I can do.
Prayers for you, my friend. Some parents use guilt as a control mechanism - and it's a heavier burden when you are an only child. (I can relate). Your mother has made her choices in life.... the consequences belong to her. Not you.
Sounds like shes killing you also...i have 2 aging parents and lucky they have paid help coming in a few hours a week but there's issues w/ aides also. Limiting visits is the only way to keep yourself healthy take time to do what gives u joy. Good luck
My father is like this too. Copd and cancer along with other ailments including depression. He was recommend to stop smoking and drinking take regular exercise join social groups and he never did any of it. Now it’s too late and every time I visit all he does is complain about his life (he was always like this). Very very hard and emotionally draining when someone won’t help themselves in any way
You must not know my mother. This is great advice in a perfect world. What do you do when your parent is able to be kind to everyone else except you? That’s not dementia or Alzheimer’s, but abuse.
It's abuse from a NARCISSISTIC PARENT. And if you don't cave to them, the rest of the entire community - sometimes whole states wide, depending on the extent to which that communal narcissist parent is adored for their charisma by people who don't see how abusive that NParent can be behind closed doors -- will also ostracize and abuse YOU. And you will get NO support from them. Tell her, Kelli. 😐🤨❤
I live several states away from my aging parents. For years I asked them to move close to me so I could help them as they got older... but they would not leave their home. I do what I can to help manage their affairs long distance, and go back to visit when I can. Mom refuses to consider having a home healthcare worker, and won't to move to an assisted living center. She recently expressed her desire for me to move back into their house indefinitely, so I could take care of them. I explained it is not feasible for me to leave my job, let my house go into foreclosure, and put my marriage at risk by abandoning my husband. Since I established that very firm boundary, she has stopped taking my calls. What kind of a parent would ask their child to do this?
Judging from the comments - and my own personal experience - not only do MANY parents expect this, but WHOLE COMMUNITIES expect the "child" to do it and will be horrible to is, leaving us without support or resources, if we try to refuse, or even to set boundaries. The most outrageously demanding conduct from elders is normalized as "reasonable".
I’m there with you. I have had to give up my life for this past year, and I am getting angrier and angrier because of their selfish choices. I begged them for years to move to where I lived because I knew that this was going to happen.
My mom did similar in expecting me to get a house or Apt for them to live with me for me to take care of them. She ended up being diagnosed with a brain tumor and deteriorated rapidly and passed before my dad. Before she passed she made me promise to take care of him, which I did with the help of my so sons. My boys were awesome in helping me take care of both my parents! But yeah, it was quite challenging as my dad lived another 5 years after having a massive stroke that left him paraplegic and aphasic one month after my mom passed. I’d have never managed without my sons helping!
I am 70 and taking care of my husband who is 71. He is physically fit but has dementia and cannot make decisions etc., and I wake up afraid every morning, dealing with feelings of abandonment and stress. My church has been wonderful but I fear he will need assisted living someday. Thank you for your channel.
This is so helpful - thank you! Trying to help a parent with high anxiety / low self efficacy / poor outlook while working, parenting, trying not to drown is no joke. Thank you for this resource.
My mum will just say I don’t want to go in a nursing home. But doesn’t care about the burden that would place on me as sole carer who works full time and has no other family in country to help. Won’t make plans for her own future.
My in-laws are just like this! They want to be waited on hand and foot . 6 children in the family everything falls to 1 of my husband’s brothers 1 of his sisters my husband and myself.!
My 62 year old mom wants me to have a wife because she thinks it'll make me happy and I'd be lonely without one. In actuality...she just wants me to get married so that she gets grandkids.
I swear they feel entitled. My dad was barely there now he’s ill this is the most i’ve ever heard from him in life. Starting to think more deeply about the word love.
My mom is still in her 60’s and has been struggling with her mental health since my dad passed away. We had her live with us for sometime. But she does have her own apartment now. She was struggling with being able to pay her bills and was getting confused. So I have taken on her bills and administrative tasks. I have tried to encourage her to get help - she will have a bad mental break and then go to the doctor, but stops taking medication in weeks time. I am really struggling because I don’t know if some of her mental clarity and memory issues are because of untreated mental health or possible true dementia. I am feeling a lot of guilt that I have started to build resentment. It has gotten to where I guide most of her day to day- but she seems to be able to do things independently? She’s just chosen to give up. I am afraid to step back because if I do she won’t have anyone.
this is a nice video if your elderly parent is healthy and reasonable. most are not unfortunately, my mom is a narc and I have to swallow the guilt and so no. she only cares about getting her needs met. but she has always been this way just worse with age. me saying no is met with rage and she is only nice to me when I am doing things for her. glad I got therapy.
With a covert narcissistic mother everything, and I mean everything, is a critisism towards her, so at the point I'm validating her suffering she is already claiming that she is NOT suffering and if she was it would be the fault of my father who did this and that forty years ago. However, this is a useful video and I'm going to try if I can manage better with these tips.
Thank you for posting advice on this topic. I'm currently feeling exhausted from continuously care giving for elderly parents, and not getting a break. I'm doing the lion's share of looking after my parents, including daily meal preparation, organising medications, pharmacy/GP visits, majority of their domestic cleaning, organising groceries, & rehab equipment. I have brothers that do not offer to do anything. I'm normally a calm, peaceful person and good at caring for others, but I feel exhausted from my parent's escalating level of needs. I work full-time, and in the mornings, and evenings helping my parents. They both starting having health complications at the same time, so I provided more assistance over the past year as wanted them to recover and get back to doing things themselves. My other siblings don't do anything as they have families of their own. I've communicated to my parents that a temporary carer / nursing assistant would help the situation, & I'd pay for everything. However my dad refuses, and goes into a temper tantrum. A couple of times when I've wanted to move further away from them to create boundaries, he says his life isn't worth living. So feeling sad about that.
What if your parents will not allow you to speak, not respect your boundaries, and will not accept anyone doing anything for them but you? I tried this approach and I got shut down repeatedly. I'm not allowed boundaries. I feel so alone.
I am so sorry. This is so hard. Me dad is 91 and very hardheaded and lives with me. I understand what you feel and am trying to figure out a way forward. One thing I have decided is that I have to regroup and organize my time, and take ONE day, one task, at a time…smaller, more manageable chunks. I wish you the best. 💕
The thing about setting a boundary is others will try to smash thru them!! It’s up to you to hold firm as you are the only person you can control. Let them try to hit your boundaries like a brick wall
Sofia. You're so cute! Your parents were both blessed to have a loving daughter like you. Your videos give us relief and a sense of insight and information that we need to forgive ourselves for feeling overwhelmed. You say the things we may be thinking and needed to hear someone else verbalize. Permission to fail to not be perfect to do the best that we canl
If you can afford it, hire someone to help. I recently hired someone to help with the chores because I was trying to run two households and I was physically and mentally exhausted. My mom was not happy but I had to for my own health and some down time. I am an only child but very lucky to have caring friends who also will help me if I need help with taking her to doctor appts etc. if I am not available to take her. I also try and take my mom out to different events and on vacations because she tells me she is very lonely and depressed … BUT sometimes you really need time to go places with friends or to go alone sometimes. Thanks for your videos.
This is extremely helpful I’m having this difficult conversation with my mother in law soon , my husband keeps catering and helping her around the clock is complex because his dad is sick with Alzheimer’s and his the only son and he has zero boundaries that starting to affect our marriage, his well being (he has sciatica pain) and other responsibilities, In the house this has become his full time job during the week. And weekend at times. Thank you for this wrote down notes steps getting ready to call and talk to her ❤
Glad I came across this video. Setting boundaries is super important. I hope my own children are learning from my experience with my parents. It's hard to do, but even if for your own mental well-being, stck to your guns. I had several conversations with my parents, but they have to be reminded.
I moved back in with my parents after my divorce a couple of years ago & somehow I ended up paying all their bills. My dad pretty much quit working (before retirement) & my mom has started doing less & less. I cant save any money to get my own place because if I don't pay a bill, it doesn't get paid & say the lights get cut off or the water. And then I have to live there without it too. Its like im already paying bills in my home, only its not my house & I don't have ultimate say so in it
I'm very negative and depressed looking after my dad is 80 he always depressed and talks about depressing stuffing really talking effect on my life, I wish at times he would just pass on so I can live my life I had enough of it I know that sounds bad but I gone to far.
My parents are the same way....in their 60s. I can't change them, but I can remove myself from the situation so that they have to ask other siblings for help, or struggle on their own. Yup. They're old, stubborn, and don't want to change...which is why they'll be going into an old folks home after they retire. They will not be living with me. When I help out at home, they get angry and jealous that I'm young enough to do things that they can no longer do, while I get paid to help out at work.
Thanks for your video. The suggestions are practical and easy to follow, as well as highly professional. I am sure many viewers had benefited from your advice. Please keep that up.
@@SofiaAmirpoormy siblings in same town and refuse to help I’ve left my home husband grandchild I am raising and moved in with my mom for years. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve lived through I am extremely tired and angry. Emotionally physically, and financially exhausted. I don’t feel like there are any answers. Cindy
Dear Sofia - Thank you very much for this video. I'd like to add a longer comment at a later stage. Just wanted to say the video is very helpful. Regards Debbie
Even if a non relative senior lives alone, you still need to set boundaries with them, especially if you find out they have behavior problems like narcissism. If they don't have a car for a while and they expect you to be on call for them , that's when you need to set limits. You're not a public call taxi on call for them. I knew someone who was so lazy she wouldn't even walk from the car to the store like a normal person . even people in far worse shape than her actually walked from the car to the store. No one ever calls into into the store to have them bring a gimp cart to the car because you're too lazy to walk. That's What crutches and Walkers are for. If you only knew, narcissists think they're entitled to special treatment no one else gets. We've even been to places like Little Caesars and I saw her call in to the store to have them come out and take her order, and bring it out to the car. Everyone else walks in like normal people. I can see why Little Caesars often doesn't answer their phone, and some branches may not necessarily have a phone number. When I found out what this one person was all about, I started warning those establishments what she was doing. I don't know if that person still comes into town or not , but at least someone has a heads up. You're right, we need to start setting boundaries with not just seniors, but everyone. When you have someone calling too much, that's when you needed start letting it go to voicemail. Plus, you can selectively mute their calls and selectively have your phone not alert you when that particular person calls. Sometimes people who learn your habits may end up calling at the worst possible times. I've actually had someone follow me from all the way across the street to the restaurant where I was visiting. I actually wish that restaurant had privacy covering on the windows! I recall she made a scene in the parking lot all the way across the street like I was going to come running. I was just pulling into the establishment across the street, and I hurried up and ran in. Thankfully I parked close enough to the door I was able to vanish into the establishment. That didn't stop her from following me over there and waiting outside the door and partially blocking the drive-thru. Of course I had to get firm with her because this was going a bit too far. I knew someone in the establishment at the time, and now that I know more people, if it happens again, all I have to do is just go get someone I know and trust. Can you imagine someone other than you coming out that door to handle the matter? The worker can easily tell the offender they can't park in the Drive-Thru and block it off. Yes, THAT CAN be used as LEVERAGE to get the person to MOVE on. Next time I was approached at that same establishment though, she was sitting in a normal parking spot right across the door waiting for me to come out. When I'm out and about, I don't like people stalking me and showing up where I happen to be, that's just creepy and aggravating. Nothing against our seniors, but some of them really need to learn how to respect boundaries! Remember, no one will know they're affecting you, if you don't speak up! So it is with your doctor. Your doctor will never know anything's wrong if you don't speak up. It's not just seniors who must learn something, sometimes also young people who are also lonely. Not all seniors who reach that age will necessarily think differently, some of them may actually be as sharp as a tack, I knew someone who was. If you know someone who's independent, don't interfere, you could cause more harm than good
This was very helpful. Do you have any advice for an adult living at home with their aging parent? I live with my 87 year-old mother and it's been extremely hard. I feel like I'm drowning. I am only 48 but feel like my life is over because everything I do is for her or arranged around her. I do have an aide that comes during the week when I am at work, but other than that it's just me.
My problem is my parent is trying to live through me. She expects all of my time to fulfilling her needs wants and desires. If my wants and needs isn’t beneficial to her she doesn’t care about it or doesn’t think I need it for example male companionship. If it isn’t beneficial and it takes time away from what she thinks needs to be done or her needs she doesn’t think I need it. And she is religious so if it doesn’t fall in line with that then it’s wrong.
I love my parents because, well, they are my parents. But, I don’t like them, let me explain. My father is racist, a bigot, and a mean drunk. He’s 91. He hasn’t changed but gotten worse. My mom has serious mental illness and has never been on meds. She is a rager, a brutal rager. They both going all the way back to my childhood were not loving, and made it apparent to me I was not planned and nothing but trouble. Now I am tasked with caring for them. I am a Christian and I want to honor them by taking care of them but I and my wife are at wits end. We haven’t found help from the medical or social services systems. I feel like I am a bad person because I don’t want to be around them much less care for them.
I'm not into hippie talk but you probably should just embrace and actually just really hate them. They're hateable people. They aren't good. You should hate them. It sounds oxymoron. But you should embrace some of your dark emotions. Before you do things , in life and reality, whatever it is. You should do your emotions as well. I'm no saint. I'll admit. You should probably punch a fake balloon with a picture of them on it. Anger is not right. Anger is....... .. only............. Human. Get it. I like my mom. I hate my dad. My parents are both idiots. I'm also an idiot. I love them and I help them and also..... I don't want to care for them. I also don't really........... Work on our problems. I don't. I will hate caring for them. It's the truth. I don't like them. Caring for them will be bad.
What has happened to our society? I have worked as a nurse in long term care and witnessed elderly people being dropped off to rarely see their adult children again. It is heartbreaking! I have also seen people not wanting to replace clothing when the person’s weight changed even though these were not poor people. Cut into the inheritance I guess! These adult children happily took the money for their university educations from their parents. Many of the grandmothers looked after the grandchildren while their parents worked and now never see them. Someone with dementia living at home in all likelihood needs some home care assistance. Maybe the adult children could be looking into this. If you had a “normal “ childhood with no actual abuse and your parent is institutionalized, why can you not see them or bring them to your home for a visit at least once a month, ideally every couple of weeks. When the elderly parent dies, that is it there are no do overs, no opportunity to connect ever again. It is all about priorities, surely people can make room in their lives for the people who taught them how to use a spoon and a computer, and either taught them to drive or paid for the driving lessons. Where do your elderly parents land on your priority list?,
"witnessed elderly people being dropped off to rarely see their adult children again". --Those "kids" may be all grown up, married, and raising children of their own. They don't want to pick between raising their kids, and taking care of their elderly parents (and it's probably better to do the former...because children are the future). --Some of the elderly are not as " nice" as you think. If the elderly were extremely toxic and abusive to their children earlier in life...that could explain them being dropped in an old folks home.
"Happily took the money for university educations from their parents"...uhhh, no they didn't. You don't speak for all young people. Some of them actually worked to pay their debts off...with or without their parents help. Going to college may put you in debt after you graduate anyway...due to having to pay back loans a student takes out.
Maybe the aging parent is needy bc he is no longer physically able to do things anymore and REALLY NEEDS HELP. What if the parent had set boundaries when the child was little and really needed help? What if the parent had decided that he or she needed sleep and had not gotten up at night to feed the child and changed diapers? No parent WANTS to be dependent on his child but he can't help it bc old age dictates his dependency.
There's a difference between being an adult and a baby. As an adult, I am making plans for my own care as I age, and none of it depends on one of my adult children becoming my full time caregiver. All adults should do the same. It's the adult thing to do. It's called being an adult. When a newborn is dependent and needing help, mommy is young and usually healthy, and can handle up-all-night situations with a tiny baby much better than a 65 year old adult child, with health problems handling an up-all-night situation with an elderly parent. Huge difference. Usually by the time adult children become caregivers, they're senior citizens themselves with their own health problems - not 25 years old and healthy. You can't equate changing a newborn's diaper at 2 a.m. when you're 25 to changing an adult's diaper at 2 a.m. when you're old and worn out yourself. Not even the same situation.
