This felt like someone did a public reading of the personal diary I never wrote. And would not have had the self awareness to write. But I am beginning to understand why I am who I am. This was very helpful. You communicate these truth nuggets very clearly, directly and in a way that makes sense. And rings true. Thank you greatly. Jack
Thanks, Jack. I’m glad the video helped you to understand yourself better. 🙏 If you are interested, my Radically Open DBT videos contain skills designed to help people who have these types of anxious-avoidant attachment styles.
Outstanding presentation. I’ve read and watched so much on this topic. But you went deeper. I just got out of an intense relationship with a DA man. I spotted early on he was traumatized and avoidant( eventually discerning he was Dissmissive, nit fearful). Nevertheless I fully invested with my loving emotions, cognizant that he’d likely never commit. Even though he walked away eventually and it hurt me ( verbally abusive) I still feel glad I went through with it all. I learned so much about myself.
Thanks for your comment and for sharing your experience. It sounds like it was a challenging relationship dynamic but I’m glad it became a growth experience. All the best to you and your personal journey, Dr. May
I first get anxious attachment in the beginning of romantic relationships until I literally go crazy in my mind and can’t handle all the anxious thoughts I am having, I get over it and then all of the sudden it switches to avoidant attachment to the point where I get so uncomfortable when they even try to touch me, but its not like they did anything wrong or I have lost my feelings for them, its like I get this feeling that just takes over my body even if I don’t want it to.
Take a look at my Disorganized Attachment video and see if that resonates. That is when the same person you want to connect to is the same person you want to run (or defend yourself) from.
Thanks… I have no idea how some videos get more hits than others based on RU-vid algorithms. I don’t go out of my way to promote anything on my own. But I’m glad you liked it and found it helpful. 😎
I have watched tons of informative videos on attachment style but your detailed description of this attachment style synopsis is the most accurate one I've seen thus far! I'm stunned honestly. My best friend/boyfriend has this attachment style, I can back up what you've stated 100% because I've lived it for years now! It's a little disheartening to me that this attachment style is looked at in a negative light because from my experience they're empathetic people at heart and have the potential to grow given the right circumstances. When we first met and began seeing each other I was still learning him and trying to figure who this person behind the mask, I noticed it we just played a few Behaviors that would typically be considered red flags but some thing in my heart just knew that that was not the case with him. It's as if I already knew the truth but my brain was still catching up. I decided to show up for him in ways I don't think anyone ever has before and even though I felt disappointed at times I learn to differentiate that behavior from the person and I learned not to take it personally. I May just be lucky but hi dismissive avoidant partner Really tries to do things better he tries to learn from the behaviors that I've pointed out and the amount of progress he's made from when we met is astounding, she has helped me to become secure and our relationship is very healthy which is something I've never had before I just wanted to tell my story because I don't think I've ever seen a positive one when it comes to anxious and avoidants. Everyone has the potential to grow and And attachment styles is not condemn you to living a life with certain patterns it's all about the effort. Be prepared to practice lots of patience and compassion if you desire a friendship with a dismissive avoidant but it is by far the most for filling one you will Have should you put in the work. They're are worth it.
This was beautifully stated and resonated with me and my relationship of 30 years. He has come so far from his top secret self. I think he is wonderful and every time the behaviors were difficult for me, I’d remind myself that he is a hidden treasure that shines more everyday. We can all change if we support and are willing to put in the work.
I was in my recent relationship for 3.5 years. I cared deeply for him and I really hoped we could build and share a life together. He had been in relationships before but didn't speak of them in a positive light. I noticed early on that intimacy didn't seem to come naturally for him. He was great at cuddling but any other forms of intimacy, (kissing, flirting, eye contact, touching, sex), felt unnatural and were largely absent. I had been out of the dating scene for quite some time raising 3 kids but had never experienced this in a relationship before. Initially I thought maybe it was related to our being a little older, (50's), and that we could take our time and figure each other out. However, things never really changed despite my heartfelt attempts to understand and be understanding. I ended the relationship about 4 months ago because I felt I had tried everything to no avail and was so tired of the loneliness. After watching this video I feel so sad as it describes our relationship to a tee. Since the breakup, I've been working on myself and learning how I can grow from that experience. Thankfully, it's been a very positive experience. However, watching this I can't help but want some positive and potentially life-changing breakthroughs for him. It may be too late for us but it could open a whole new world to him. Any suggestions as to how to have that conversation? We don't communicate regularly but are friendly.
Hi there, I apologize for the late reply. I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you had in your recent relationship. It seems like he didn't have the capacity to be connected and close to you in the ways that you wanted. I can understand how you were then left feeling lonely and unfulfilled. You can certainly share some information about this attachment style with your ex hoping that it might lead to some growth for him. But if he is not interested, you can do some self-reflection and see if there is any part of you that felt "safer" being with someone who was unable to get close. (There might be a part of you that wants to get close alongside another part that has concerns about closeness for one reason or another.) If that is the case, you might be able to work through some of the blocks or the fears so that in the future, you can allow yourself to be loved by a man who is truly available. Best of luck to you, Dr. May
This must be real because I started crying when the “Moving to Secure” slide popped up. I don’t even know why I’m crying I’m so cut off though. Trying to unbury it. Ooooh I can see this is where my anger problem comes from.
Below the surface, as quick as a knee jerk reaction, I think other people are having a go at me and they don’t really think I’m worthwhile. And I guess that makes me angry.
Because I’m trying to prove that I AM worthwhile. I also learned that it’s best to look after others feelings and not my own. But I looked after my Dads feelings by remaining unattached to him and a bit emotionless.
Thanks for sharing your experiences. I bet a lot of people will be able to relate. It’s a good start that you are able to recognize some of those patterns in yourself. I hope you will able to work through some of these things and move toward “earned secure.” If you don’t have someone to help you, you might benefit from some of the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy videos I have for free on my channel. They can be very helpful for attachment and trauma issues.
I hear you… it’s hard to find the right person and get into a healthy relationship! And dating the “wrong” people can be a rough experience but also teach us a lot. The best thing I can offer is to suggest that you keep on working on yourself and your own personal growth. It will help you feel better about your life and help you to attract (and be able to accept love from) healthier partners. 💕
I am not a fake. My NYS license number is 016143. I’ve been employed at Pilgrim Psychiatric Center as a licensed psychologist since 2004. You are welcome to look me up,
Thanks! I might have a book discussing the 5 survival styles... let me see what I’ve got and what I can put together. I’m finishing RO DBT first, but I can look into this when I’m done.
You’re welcome! Glad you found this helpful. If you’re interested, you might also gain some insights from my new videos on developmental trauma survival styles. Disorganized attachment is most similar to the Connection Survival Style, so that video may resonate as well.
Hey, thanks again for another cool vid. I've watched all your unhealthy attachment style videos and I fit into all of them at the same time. I don't want to catastrophize but I do feel sad about it. So much pain, longing and isolation while feeling i'm the problem. I'm the guilty one. At 30 years old, is there any hope for me? Thank you kindly
My partner, now my ex, is this, whereas I am more preoccupied and creating an argument in order to reconnect is so true of how I cope. The only part that doesn't make sense is that he's been married for a total of 42 years and myself, 3!!
One thing you can practice is to tune into yourself and recognize when you want to be alone and when you need to connect. When you are clearer about your own needs, you can then begin to find more assertive ways of communicating them to your partner without acting out (e.g., creating arguments). It also helps to find other people who can help meet your needs for connection (and practice tuning into your needs and being more self-connected) so there isn't too much pressure on one person who will naturally not be able to be available whenever you need him.
Really enjoyed this video. I’m pretty positive I’m a dismissive avoidant. I just came to the realization very recently. It was good and bad to have a name to put to how I feel and react. It’s also hard coming to the realization and acceptance that I was more of the problem in previous relationships than I ever thought. I do want to change though. However I struggle with mindfulness. I believe I have aphantasia too as I cannot form any mental images, so mediation and mindfulness can be very challenging. Any tips?
Radically Open DBT offers a lot of skills that are perfect for people with an anxious-avoidant attachment style. If you are interested, I have videos on all of those skills on my channel.
Not specifically, but I can imagine that if you developed the adaptive habit of suppressing emotions and needs (because they were not adequately responded to by caregivers), those feelings can be somaticized (channeled into headaches and dizziness). Some of the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy lessons and exercises that I have been on my channel can help you explore and move through things like this.
The autobiographical memories part is also super accurate! I have worked to develop more empathy. Its been hard and now I'm starting to understand why. I'm sooo taking this to a counselor so I can get help! Thank you.
For me and share yours too if you to experienced something similar to this but for me I was the anxious person in this abusing relationship and my partner being the avoidant but when in the cycle chart you would show the anxious would start a fight really we're both just toxic for each other because it started off I would start the fights to get the attention I was lacking from him then it turned into him being the one starting all the fighting and he would eventually just turn abusive narcissictic towards me but to me it was always like that him just telling me to don't worry about what he's doing as he slams the door on me to go hangout and what not I mean I always looked at this avoidant dismissal attitude behavior as abusive idk but now I think I'm like mixes of different attachment styles like anxious avoidant myself and even fearful I just was wondering has this happened to anyone else idk maybe I'm tripping we we're always good to each other then bad to each other but him just being over the top with the cruelty in his behavior that's what turned me well avoidant dismissive and fearful I've always been the anxious attachment style though that's ingrated
Hello! Im studying psychology and preparing for my coursework. Your presentation was so helpful. Could you please recommend any literature that I can use? Thank you!
Could there be a spectrum here? At first, I feel like someone is reading my life to me; I exhibit so many avoidant tendences and grew up in an "avoidant fertile" home, but when I examine the details, I realize that a good chunk of the avoidant behavior here does not apply to me. Or could I just be an avoidant person who has already learned to grow past some of their predispositions?
It’s amusing considering an avoidant won’t validate their partners experience instead stonewalls and gaslights. How you can progress with an avoidant as a secure or anxious individual when they feel you’re the issue
I wouldn't assume that you will be able to change your partner's avoidant style or other behaviors (e.g., stonewalling, gaslighting). If you want to move toward an "earned secure" style yourself, you might need to emotionally distance yourself or adjust your expectations of your partner while engaging more fully in other healthy relationships with people who might be able to better meet your needs. And of course, there is the other bigger question of "Should I stay or should I go?"
