Why Avoidant and Anxious Partners Find It Hard to Split Up 

An avoidant partner can make even the most sane person felling anxious and insecure

You've just described the relationship between me and my cat

Being an avoidant feels like being cursed. You can't fulfill your partner's needs, you can't even meet your own needs, and you're labeled as the villain as a general rule.

I have an avoidant ex, I blamed his lack of emotion for all of our issues, then I discovered within myself, not only do I have an anxious attachment style, I am also emotionally distant at times, toxic and have narcissistic traits. I am now doing the work internally to become secure through pray, healing and self internalization.

Avoid this hell at all costs. One of the worst emotional rollercoasters you’ll ever go through. The breakups are chaotic and soul crushing.

"Learn the games they are unconsciously playing" is the solution to every relationship problem.

I was entangled with an avoidant for 6 years or so. Looking back they never actually did anything against me, I did it all to myself, I abandoned myself, I sacrificed myself, I gave and gave and kept returning to someone who never had me captured in their basement. I was free and I chose to do all this. Once I started to turn that love and care and understanding and compassion towards me instead of them everything changed. I became insensitive to their breadcrumbs and re established a healthy relationship with myself. I stopped blaming them and just viewed them as someone on my patth towards self discovery. They were just a character in the movie and I was the leading actress again. We are always in charge of our own feelings, behaviours and decisions.

This video had my jaw on the floor, because every single beat was exactly how my last relationship went. I used to regret breaking up with my avoidant partner, but I had a feeling things wouldn’t change no matter what happened. Now I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing I wasn’t going crazy. He wasn’t a bad guy by any means-we just weren’t good for each other.

You know what’s tricky? When an avoidant partner looks great on paper and does all the right things in terms of caring for you on the exterior (cooks, cleans) but gives you barely anything emotionally. It’s a mind fuck. You should be content, yet an ache to be heard & seen & connected with is so deep & excruciating

Avoidants are hard to handle . They rarely open up and this makes me frustrated .

I started the relationship i was last in secure, but she was extremely avoidant and after 8/9 months I became the anxious attachment type, 9 months after that she ended it after i again told her she was being distant and i didn't feel loved. It's been over a month now without contact. The most important lesson i've learned is to find someone emotionally mature and compatible

I will never have this type of relationship ever again. I used to have an anxious attachment style and I dated someone with an avoidant style and it was the worst!!! And to top it off he was emotionally unavailable. I will never go through that hell again

Being an avoidant is a lonely state of being. Desperately in need of love and care yet terrified of it and the feeling of being trapped and controlled.

What I am learning from these series is that it is important to communicate your love and appreciation for others.

I’ve been with my wife 5 years and this is far too accurate. As the anxious partner you just reach a point where your burned out and have done everything you can to keep it alive since the beginning. Either keep repeating the cycle or move on to something that will reciprocate your feelings. The fear of pain after ending it is real but know it is temporary.

My partner and I started off this way. She's my best friend and my deepest love, and through trial and error we've come so far in understanding how to streamline miscommunications and how to reduce our fears/triggers and express our feelings in a language (a creole of sorts) that blends what we both want. It's very much an ongoing process, but we've worked hard to dig deep into ourselves and into each other, and given each other a really strong foundation and reasons to keep going that don't feel like we're just staying with each other because we're terrified of alternatives. We fight to keep together, and it feels wonderful to feel the mutual care and supoort of our efforts.

I feel like this could be healed with self love because once the avoidant loves themselves they won't have those underlying fears of rejection and their core wound of abandonment will be healed, and once the attached loves themselves they won't need anyone else to love them and won't be as needy. These two are just a reflection of each other. Self love is the way.

I feel personally attacked by this video

Had this exact relationship for two years. I knew after a month she wasn’t the right one, but didn’t have the courage or fortitude to break up and stay broken up. After I finally did, I met my now wife, and soon after she married as well. I suppose we both learned a lot, and thankfully, didn’t try to make a marriage out of it. Wherever you are Amy, I hope you’re happy and doing well.

For me, being with an avoident partner just made me uneasy. The lack of verbal openness I found to be incredibly lonely, frustrating, awkward and frequently boring. It was always SO QUIET around her. We would go out to dinner and there be hardly any conversation unless i kept the ball rolling. No deep or even semi deep conversations without a lot of assistance from me. If the conversation got too deep she would shut down. I wanted to note that i do not need continous converation to feel content. I am okay with comfortable silences. But this was next level. We could go on a road trip for 3 hours and she could go the entire distance without saying a word. It was awkwardly quiet!!!! She showed me love in different ways but for me, to feel emotional intimacy and true connection, both parties need to be open and vulnerable for each other. This was a hard thing for her do because of her childhood trauma. It's tragic and I tried to help. I was extremely patient. I would try gently offering love through verbal words and closeness when she was down. But she didn't seem like she even wanted or needed them. I would then distance myself to let her come to me but most the time that did not happen. She would suppress and internalize everything. Furthermore, she had the inability to recognize and comfort me when i was scared or sad. It hurt and made me feel unloved and lonely. It made it impossible to form a meaningful long term partnership. Throughout our relatioship together, I would get short little glimpses of her without the trauma interfering. Especially if she drank alcohol. She was beautiful, she was radiant. But they were only glimpses. That huge wall she kept up would always return blocking true connection. It was incredibly hard for me. We tried couples counseling for six months and it made no difference. I hope she finds herself and is at peace one day.

Being in a relationship with an avoidant: *yo im straight up not having a good time*

The damage is done. Im leaving my avoidant after almost 3 years.

As an anxious attachment person I think it's important to note generally we are only giving so much in order to get a feeling of fulfillment in life from this person, which is a huge responsibility they never signed up for, and they are not capable of doing, because really only we can fill ourselves up. I think I'd be closed off too if someone put the responsibility of something only they can do on me, it's an awful thing to do.

What's really hurtful is when an avoidant acts like an anxious, and as an anxious, you wind up repeatedly confused as to why they pull away from you after the promise of closeness, which is what you desperately desire.

One important thing to mention is that both parties are actually running away from themselves - in essence. The attached one wants love from the outside and chases that extermal fulfillment running away from looking within what is missing, and from its own unresolved pain. The avoidant one is seemingly running away from the attached but in actuality it cannot deal with its own emotions that the attached one triggers in them. So both have to do some soul searching and emotional healing. Hope this makes sense :)

This is starting to get insane guys! Please stop using my life as inspiration for you videos!! More seriously, thank you very very much to "The School of life".

My relationship was like this at the beginning (me being avoidant) but over the years, I've learned that it is safe for him to love me and I don't always have to push people away because the world is not always out to get me. Yesterday was our 6 year anniversary and I see ourselves having many more years together. We have BOTH learned to heal our traumas and try to be a better partner for one another because at the end of the day, we are a team and we need to constantly improve ourselves for one another. Edit: Communication is SO IMPORTANT!! You need to talk to each other always because no one can read your mind!

I got out of a relationship like this where every time I felt like leaving the other person gave me the temporary assurance of being there for me. After almost two years of this draining game, we broke up and finally I get to work on myself and try to have secure attatchment for the next relationship I have. I really do not desire this anxious-avoidant dance to anybody.

As someone with avoidant tendencies in romantic relationships, let me tell you, we don’t want to be this way, we don’t want to make others suffer... we suffer too. We want closeness, and it’s frustrating when we don’t feel that pull towards people who are so wonderful to us and just want to love us... it’s fucked up...

I’m always the anxiously attached. I always pick up avoidant people, feeling like I can always save them... it’s so frustrating to me. I’ve never met anyone that is like myself with love.

The needs for closeness and space are not just incompatible, they're oppositional. For one to get what they want, the other gets exactly what they don't want. It's a win lose situation. The only way to handle avoidant people is to avoid them first.

Just ended an almost four year relationship with my avoidant girlfriend. It is incredibly hard for me to move on being of anxious attachment type. I keep cycling in my head that her next partner will get the woman I always wanted. Her and I met when I was a little lonely in life. She came along and had the most beautiful face, figure and hot and cold, close and then distant way about her that it just sucked me in. It was incredibly addicting. I should have acknowledged the red flags and incapability signs from the beginning. They were there. But I was blinded by her good looks and indifferent attitude. It felt like I was always chasing her for her validation and acceptance. It was my ego that was afraid of being rejected. She would make me feel loved one minute and then make me second guessing her feelings for me the next. This started happening right from the beginning. She would always provide me just enough emotional intimacy to keep me around but then withdrawal the next. She was a very kind and sweet person and being fairly in tune with my emotions, I saw this inside her. When her and I would drink alcohol, that huge wall she would always have up would come down. For the briefest of moments, I would get to see the side of her without all the emotional trauma she had inside her. Seeing this made me hooked even MORE as I was always chasing and thinking that eventually, if we tried hard enough, that side of her would stay down for good. The sad thing is, I actually felt bored with her much of the time. On our dates etc. She was incredibly quiet which she chalked up to by telling me she was an introvert but conversation with her was never our strong suit. It lacked immensely on a deeper level. I ended up doing a lot of research on introverts and thought that eventually, once she trusted and was comfortable with me, that she would blossom. At that point, we would have that deep emotional intimacy I was always craving. She was not use to physical touch and emotional availability like I was. Over time, she became comfortable with physical touch and it felt GREAT for me. But the emotional availability portion never surfaced. But as our time together went on, I learned it was not just her being an introvert. She had deeply rooted childhood trauma that dated back to when she was 2-3 years old. Trauma that she was not even aware of was having an impact on her confidence and way she handled herself. Into our relationship, she ended up going to therapy and was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression. She moved in with me about three months before the pandemic hit. At the time, I remember not feeling like it was the right move. But I never really set boundaries for myself or listened to my heart. I was just too sincere and patient and overlooked A LOT of odd behavior.. She moved in and then the pandemic hit. She lost her job. I work for myself from home. Now her and I were under the same roof 24/7 practically for 18 months straight. This took a HUGE toll on our relationship. It prevented us from growing as individuals and also as a couple. She had many beautiful qualities. Like loyalty, kindness, gift giving etc. But she lacked the emotional awareness and intelligence to provide true emotional connection. When I was hurt or scared about something, she just was not able to provide me with the comfort I needed. I felt even more lonely and scared. For a relationship to thrive, there needs to be open communication with vulnerability. She was highly uncomfortable anytime I tried to have a heart to heart talk with her. She would go into this fight or flight stage. I could see it in her eyes. She would close up, that wall would become even taller. If I pushed, she would make it a point but very soon crumple from the pressure. Tears would follow and then she would need to leave the situation and lay down for a few hours to decompress. It made it very challenging to resolve conflict. She would show her love for me in many ways. Gift giving, spending time with me, leaving love notes throughout the house. I was so touched that it brought me to tears much of the time. But I NEEDED MORE. I needed emotional connection through words that were face to face and she was just too uncomfortable to ever provide me with that. She could always provide her open heart through letters and or texts. So I knew it was in there. But it would never surface face to face. About six months before we split, I became avoidant myself. I had just become so frustrated with not feeling the emotional depth I required. I was exhausted. Now we were too avoidant partners living together. It was a mess. We both started become depressed and we drifted apart. I am torn apart. I miss her so much. But doing further introspective work, I believe I miss the idea of who she could have been. Not the reality of who she actually was. Even after our breakup, I still find myself trying to chase her, worry that we made a mistake and worry her next partner is going to get the woman I always wanted her to be with me. I want her to be happy and find someone that is a better fit for her. But my anxious attachment just sometimes cannot wrap my head around that I was not the right one for her. But then I need to be more aware of my own needs. She was not the right one for me either. Breakups are incredibly hard. But I feel this breakup will be my hardest. I know we both loved each other. I know we both tried to show it the best way we could and it just was not meant to be. At times, I wonder if I am actually an anxious attachment type or if it was just the unhealthy relationship that was making me feel the way I was. I suppose time will tell but I do truly miss her and miss the time the good times we shared. I know there is someone out there that is a better match for me. Someone that can provide me with the emotional security I require. It's just tough to accept it will not be her.

Moral of the story, avoidants realise they like being loved and feel terribly alone when they’re dumped.

Relationships are too complicated. I will just remain single.

8 years with an avoidant ex explained within 4 minutes. I'm glad to know I wasn't just going insane.

You just literally described me and my bf, him being the avoidant and me being the anxiously attached. We both are aware of our style, but I don't ghink he looks much into what he does. We had a fight and we haven't talked for a day, this makes me spiral down a whole new journey in my mind of a different life until he comes back after having taken enough space. But for me, it seems cruel that he would not bother to check in even once even after knowing me. During this time period I will have decided to leave everything and changed my mindset till he comes back. We both get along very well and are very fit for each other when we are doing okay till this happens. I hate it.

I just got out of a relationship with an avoidant and let me tell you it was emotionally draining. I never felt so distant from a partner before. Affection and emotional depth n intimacy where so scarce, even after communicating this to him, as in the video, he would try for a bit and then slip back into his old ways. Always so cold and distant, insensitive and impolite despite claiming to love me which was crazy. And the worst part was how he would give me the silent treatment and detach from the relationship whenever we had a disagreement;big or small. It was insane. I have been in a loving relationship so I knew something was off. I just couldn’t figure it out. Until seeing this. I can see now what was going on. While I may be an anxious lover, I feel I did my best not to make him feel engulfed but I guess even the little love and affection I was giving (without reciprocity) was overwhelming Thank you School of Life once again for helping me understand yet another breakup

2 years of anxious-avoidant, my self-esteem can't take the withholding cycle. I want to matter again, I was worth the hard work, I'm done.

I think it's all about compromise. I have just recently broke up with my avoidant partner. Before that, we decided to compromise on it but as time goes by it felt like I was the only one that does it. I tried my best to understand her situation but the thing that hurts me the most is she became uninterested in me even if I always tried to be there for her. I hope that anyone would eventually find the partner that they deserve and wish me luck.

the avoidant I’m healing from now, love bombed me. he was a completely different person when we met, he seemed just as anxiously attached as me which made me feel comfortable cuz I thought I found somebody that enjoyed me as much as I enjoyed them. I had trust and let him do his thing til the string of small lies became apparent. So yes, I then became anxious and needed reassurance. Sorry, I guess? … also that’s when he started holding resentment for me, and his feelings started changing. It just kept getting worse and I predicted this. I am just absolutely heartbroken that it had to be him, my angel. Time to restart my life over yet again. Can’t wait for him to reach out in months or years just like the rest of the avoidants do, but by that time I will not care anymore and have already properly grieved. Some of us anxiously attached people are fully healed before we enter relationships, and unfortunately some of us get love bombed… find out lies… then the worst gets brought out of us, inevitably making us the villain in the end. He was so, so precious to me though, when things were good. I will miss those eyes. I wish the best for him and his fam 🖤

Literally the relationship I was just in. She moved on with the quickness, but me? I'm still not over it.

Can you do a video on how nostalgia can falsely change the way we see certain events and how sometimes memories feel better than they actually were?

The deadliest combo is being an extroverted anxious attachment style personality. In contrast, your partner is an introverted avoidant attachment style personality and has a best friend (who was basically their only friend) of the opposite sex. While you're constantly feeling invalidated in that relationship and lack assurance and affection, you watch them live a life of bliss & ease with that friend and enjoy their company. In contrast, you feel like you're constantly fighting for their love. And no matter how many conversations you have about it, it will always hurt.

i think there’s a huge difference between anxious attachment as a RESPONSE to avoidant attachment VS someone who is inherently anxiously attached. that’s why so many anxiously attached people in the comments are discussing their past relationships as being entirely the fault of the avoidant, because they were simply responding like any normal person would. those who are just like that make such overbearing partners

Avoidant becomes the anxious one when the other person leaves but fails to acknowledge and understand their hypocrisy and gets back on same track after patch up.

This is the kind of relationship I'm in. My boyfriend and I are together for more than nine years now. For years, we have played the game of pushing and pulling each other, but recently, things have changed. We talk more openly now, and we try our best to rein in our compulsions. For years, my closest friends think my relationship too toxic, but I couldn't let him go because I knew how special he is to me. I've always had this feeling that there's no one like him and he's the only one I want. Now that we talk more, he's also gaining insight about his actions and he shares them to me, and I do the same for him. I really enjoyed this video, School of Life! Thank you!

This is frighteningly accurate and well animated. How dare you make me stare into my own soul.

Going to therapy, being diagnosed with BPD and learning about my anxious-avoidant attachment style has been such a crazy eye opener to why I’m the way I am in relationships. Simply being aware of all of this helps me so much, though it doesn’t just make the feelings and fears go away.

been in a 5 year relationship, im anxious he is avoidant. this video literally described us to the tea the sad thing is even though i know its a cycle i love him and i constantly betray myself bc i dont want HIM to feel abandoned even tho he always makes me feel it.

great now you just described one of my most emotionally draining relationships with me being the overly attached one

We all gotta re-parent ourselves with loving voices!

i was stuck in this cycle for almost 3 years, definitely one of the hardest relationships/ break up I’ve ever had.

I finally said Goodbye to my Avoidant Partner today. Hurts like hell. But most probably won't hurt as much as these last 3 years where I tried to build a healthy relationship with someone who thought he wanted it. But couldn't help but run away everytime we would try to make real plans to move forward in our relationship. Thanks for this video. It makes this whole mess so much clearer to me. Good luck to everybody who is trying to get back on their feet after a breakup with their Avoidant lover. You are not alone.

From my experience the avoidant will seek outside people to validate them whether it be friends or other sexual conquests even if it is just for flirtation. For the anxious partner this is the worst thing that can happen, it destabilises them then more fear and clinging or arguments. This validates the avoidants detachment and or punishment. It’s exhausting and usually the anxious partner tolerates it so they don’t have to be alone.

To whom it may concern, we are all hurt here. Emotions run high in this breakout room. If you are comparing your situation to the one in this video, you need to add a variable. That variable being you. We share these feelings with billions of each other. But your situation is special. You need to learn yourself. Learn your from your relationships with your closest souls and ask yourself, “Why am I like this?” Next, you may have to ask how you can change yourself

This is so true. I am avoidant and she is anxious. I was aware of attachment styles already and proposed to go to a therapist together. She refused, because she feared old troubles from her family arise and she can't handle it. I went myself then. Understood some stuff, prepared to change. But she was too tired and wounded and decided to leave. She was suffering a long time. At first I didn't take her leave seriously, she replied to messages and so on. But later as I understood she was 100% sure to leave, I was completely destroyed. I creeped to her job to have a talk, but she wouldn't listen. The other day to her house, same. She now seems invulnerable and I am just torn to pieces. We kind of swapped roles. She says she has someone already and I don't know if it's true or not. I'm still hoping for something, but the hope erodes every day. Seems like all suffering I was delivering to her through months and years, all returned to me just in 2 days. I've slept like 6 hours in 2 days, can't eat, work, do stuff. This is hell. Can't stay alone, can't sleep without lights. Just crying and moaning when noone hears. Avoidants should be aware of their shit as early as possible. We suffer and torture our loved ones.

I was in a relationship like that once as the anxious one. After about three cycles I eventually walked away. It hurt at first but it was a wonderful decision and I've never been happier than I am now with my current partner.

Yeah and my avoidant ex cheated on me twice. And said that's cause he took me for granted and that I was always there, and he didn't think I'd ever leave. He cheated on me twice, lied to me, manipulated me. I left. Self respect is something we all need to adhere to. It's okay to trying to work things out. But when you're demeaned to a fault, and your respect is robbed off of you, please leave. Work on yourself and your happiness. All day, every day. Good relationships with anyone is a must. After all why do we waste the little time we have on this Earth wasting on things and people that/who are out of our control? We can't change anyone. They've to work on themselves. If not, please leave. You matter. Your life matters. Your happiness profoundly matters!

I used to be avoidant. My partner was anxious and it was extremely hard for the both of us as shown by this clip. It was only when I started looking deep into myself and my childhood trauma that I realized what I needed to work on and by acknowledging, addressing and finding solutions to be better not only for myself but for my relationship. It took a lot of shadow work and self awareness, a few years later I’m at a much better place mentally and can confidently say I have a secure attachment style. Things have gotten much better with my partner since I started doing the work and I helped them work on their anxious attachment. We both benefited tremendously.

This is exactly my boyfriend and I. I am the avoidant partner and he is the anxious. We went through a very rough time in the beginning trying to figure each other out but over the course of a few years we have really implemented great change into our relationship. You have to identify the root of your behavior in order to change it. You also have to feel safe in an environment in which to change. It’s not the easiest path but we both have and are still learning about ourselves and each other.

As someone who is an avoidant, I definitely don’t want to be that way. We do want love but there is such fear of “you’ll hurt me first, I have to leave” . I had become very independent growing up so having someone there all the time is truly daunting. It can feel suffocating because I’m used to just doing it all on my own. Having had abusive situations as well, I can push people away when I begin to feel too attached because I want to avoid the pain altogether. It’s horrible relying on someone only for them to horribly mistreat you but you’re already attached so you keep giving them the benefit of the doubt. But even more horrible when you become avoidant and do it to others. I feel such guilt and confusion because I do care. I’m happy to have discovered my issues so I can work on them. To all my avoidants out there, find the source and begin healing. You aren’t mean and hateful and cold. You’ve been hurt and you deserve healing.

Wow. I’ve been married for 11 years and my wife started as the anxious one and I was the avoidant. She dealt with my selfishness for 11 years and just left me. This video perfectly explained my broken marriage.

I know I'm the avoidance one and this video honestly helped me see what I need to work on. Communication hasn't been my strong suit, but I've been working on it to make my partner feel more heard and seen :)

I see this in my relationship. As an avoidant, to know that im hurting my partner makes me so sad to my core. I dont even realize what Im doing. I love him endlessly but whenever I feel suffocated I close off. I want to work on myself to make it work I truly do. I guess the amount of introspectionI need to still do is immense. I love my partner so so much. As an avoidant, you dont even realize the mind games you play. We text constantly and it’s hard to form boundaries. I find myself pushing away and not cuddling as much. An anxious person will pick up on any change then it’s detrimental. I feel almost disgusting for the way I make him feel and i doing even notice it. I truly want it to work and understand his vocabulary. I want yo give him the reassurance he needs. Im so deathly afraid but i know I want to change my patterns

My ex husband was a fantastic guy but as I was falling more and more in love with him every year he seemed to be loving me less. We never argued, but he withdrew and we lived like roommates for a few years. He never let me in and we never bonded. Then he subtly began treating me like a roommate you want gone but don’t want to ask them to leave. He seemed a little annoyed with me often. It was gut wrenching to leave. It would have been easier if he was an asshole, but he’s a lovely person and otherwise everything I wanted in a partner. The mourning was really painful and I had some very dark days. It’s been 3 years and I finally feel ready to move on, but my heart still hurts when I think of him and I still wonder what I could have done for us to have stayed together even though I know it couldn’t be fixed. *sigh*

How depressing.

Ultimately it all comes down to two people that are mature enough to recognize they won’t always get what they want and that part of being in a relationship is not getting what you want sometimes. If you have 2 people that only care about what they want, both will be miserable.

This video hits like home, ive been in this kind of relationship for 6 years now, im the avoidant type, but after years of pushing and pulling we finally undertood each other.

I was the avoidant one, he was the anxious one. After our first breakup, the roles were switched.

It kills me because realistically the anxious party is almost never asking for very much. Half the things they’re asking for they shouldn’t even have to mention simply because you’re in a relationship with someone. The ball is completely in the avoidant persons court and the anxious party deserves better.

I was the attached, she was the avoidant. Let me tell you. Two and half years of barely a relationship and hardly any meaningful communication, topped with tons of drama and misunderstanding. It's just now that I've started to learn to love myself while finding joy in other things in life that I realize how truly sad it all was, and how horribly wrong it could have gone, maybe for years and decades, had I not decided to stop and take our separate ways.

Seeing this video I am definitely the avoidant one and it bothers me so much, having identified the issues I'm causing already. I want to get better, but it's hard. And being depicted as a bad person just hurts more. I'm happy to receive tips. Especially from people with the same emotions and how they'd overcome them.

The avoidant one was more attached to me at first! And when we broke up she let all the emotions out and said she desperately wants us to work out someday. I felt really annoyed that all the emotion I wanted only came out when she lost me. It’s not her fault but it is her responsibility to fix it, as it is for me with my anxious tendencies

Isn’t this what the game of love is though? Either a) learning to communicate your needs and boundaries to the other person or b) finding someone who gives you the right balance of space and affection? It takes two mature self aware people to figure out their piece in the equation. This is why love is tough but not impossible!

I can’t stop coming back to this. It describes everything perfectly. It’s been soo long, but I can’t stop thinking about it.

Was in one of these for four years. I finally decided to move on with my life and continue the pursuit of growth on my own. I was willing (and tried my best) to do the necessary work of both understanding and shifting our dynamic, but I couldn't do it alone. I now know I need to stop equating that distant feeling of longing and yearning with love. I think the most challenging aspect of being an anxiously attached person is feeling "OH, if I can just FIX my behavior, my partner will love me" but ... alas. Takes two to tango.

I am anxious and he is avoidant. However he broke up with me because I was too needy. We ended up back together. And now anytime I complain about his distant, avoidant behavior he theatens to break up. I tell him ok but this is it. He realizes he doesn't want to break up. He seems to change and be loving and attentive. And overly super bf and generous by buying gifts and taking me out. I'm at the point that I am less and less interested and make less and less attempts at my needs. I have been working on my goals and keeping myself busy instead of focusing on him. I am at the point that I love him very much but if it ends I am resilient.

I've been in an on and off relationship with an avoidant for the last 6 years. It's an emotional roller coaster. It's like nothing is enough and the good happy times don't last long at all. It's also so difficult to let go, but it's a must. They cannot offer you long term happiness or commitment. It's a big waste of time and energy.

As the anxious one, I’m glad I got out of the pattern, it left me pretty damaged but I met someone so much better for me. I’m also currently doing some work on myself to become secure again

I’ve been in a relationship with an avoidant man for 11 years and after time I’ve just learned to live with it and try to understand him, he’s not a bad person so I’ve decided to stay at this point BUT I’m never satisfied/happy with the relationship and I’m just now learning to be ok with that, chasing happiness is not always the right thing to do believe it or not

I am an avoidant myself and I went thorugh some intense but short relationships throughout my teenage years and early 20's. It was hard because I had (and still have, sometimes) a lot of inferiority issues, and when I became overwhelmed by my partner I always thought I was a terrible person because they gave me so much, and I returned back so little. I ended every relationship despising myself profoundly. I had to spend some time alone, thinking a lot about my behaviours towards my previous partners and my childhood. It's still hard sometimes in my current relationship, but I think it's possible to become better If you don't stop working at it.

I spent a long time being the only one who said “I love you!” and naively thought that by saying it more I might eventually get my partner to reciprocate when in fact all I was probably doing was making them want to avoid me even more. Thanks for an eye opening video I helped me understand where we were both going wrong. No blame, it just be’s that way sometimes!

I am so, so thankful. I was with my avoidant soon-to-be ex-husband for 13 years. I thought I would die from the separation and now up-coming divorce. I couldn't imagine my life without him, couldn't imagine ever moving on, thought the world was ending. Now I realize I am free to be as happy as I wish. I can pursue *reciprocal* friendships and relationships. I am fully liberated from the *constant* rejection that came with being with him. Divorcing him was simultaneously the most difficult and most courageous decision I've ever made for myself.

This really helped me have some acceptance towards my relationship and finally the breakup and why it has been so torturous for so long.

I was a happy, optimistic person before my relationship with an avoidant. The relationship changed me into a resentful, melancholic, and insecure mess. I didn't even recognize me anymore after a time. I am not that person. The me that I know is warm, and strong, and happy. With the avoidant partner, I was so fucking sad and lonely all the time. It is hell to love and not receive love back. Words alone mean nothing when the other person's actions don't match what they say. Walk away from the avoidant type as quickly as you can. They are damaged goods. If they are not willing to change, being with them will only poison your soul. And you deserve so much better than that. Love yourself enough to walk away.

I've been in this kind of relationship for a while. As the anxious one I think this is really a good thing for me because I'm finally learning to be independent and not rely on my partner for all my emotional needs. Hes like a constant reminder to me to look within myself before blaming all my problems on someone else. Also since we've been together he has finally learned to open up and Express his feelings even if that is uncomfortable for him. Maybe together we can finally be normal people 😅

i’m a recovering anxious partner, my partner is a recovering avoidant. The end of the video hit it on its head, it’s about realization and working on meeting the partner halfway, seeing when you’re slipping into old patterns and aim to find middle ground. perhaps you’ll even empathize with where the other is coming from. i enjoyed the video :)

Loved that you guys mentioned that the Dismissive Avoidant is actually afraid of abandonment. I think a lot of people miss that about the DA. But it’s crucial in understanding their coverups.

this sounds like my ex and i. swear, our relationship was exhausting on my part (im the anxious one). it's a never-ending cycle. im just happy that it's over and that i learned my lesson. our relationship really changed me into someone less anxious.

To all my fellow anxious people: do the childhood work necessary to heal yourself & move on from the avoidant. Trust that 98% will never change & years from now you'll still be trying to change them.

I’m with an avoidant partner that is quite on the extreme. I notice well how we are triggering each others traumas and I’m trying hard to work them with him but he’s not receptive. It’s so hard for me this lack of care, physical and emotional attention especially because I’m pregnant. I feel trapped and scared to leave as I’m not financially stable, otherwise I would have already left. He wanted this baby so much and convinced me it was the perfect time for us and now he just pulled away completely. As if me being pregnant provided him the safety and control that I wouldn’t leave so easily. it’s so painful to go through my first pregnancy with a person that ignores both me and my son. I think I should leave but I also feel bad for him because I know that even he says he doesn’t care if I go, underneath all his walls, he fears it so much and just want a family.

The animation and the visual storytelling is amazing here about such a delicate subject!

anyone else triggered by the tic tac toe game at the end? O missed an opportunity to win but then X didn't block that move next turn. sloppy strategy

Omg. I get sooooo much clarity about my past relationship! I walked away being the anxious partner. I refused to come back so now I just don't want to choose another avoidant partner again.

Today I was crying and I told God "put me out of this NIGHTMARE".Its how it feels and the person doesnt let you go! When you move on they RETURN.Its pure hell 🆘🚩

The thing is, the more breakups you go through, the more avoidant and afraid of opening up you become ☹️💔

I was in this relationship, I was the anxious one. What I did was teach myself to be complete, secure & happy without him. Now 5 years later we couldn’t be closer and happier

this describes the relationship I just ended today. cold, distant and intentionally withholding emotions as some sort of punishment are words I used to describe him. It was frustrating because I kept feeling like maybe am not enough for him or there's something I'm doing wrong. he would also be harsh with his words, saying the exact things he knew would break me down. also, we were on and off, and exactly as it's been put in the video, I, the anxious one, would come running back to him once he showed his "vulnerable" side. still, it's left me feeling used n manipulated

I commend those who shared here that they are avoidant attached as I am anxiously attached and can be slightly secure. Thank you for being able to identify that you are avoidant and sharing what you go through. I wish mine ex avoidant was open to learning where his trauma bond came from instead of blaming it on the old cliché, growing apart or incompatibility. Not that cut and dry.

GREAT video!!! The explanations given here were spot on & described perfectly one of my previous relationships. The illustrations were accurate and fun to watch too!🌟🌟