I 1000% relate to 15:40 of the anxious attachment style feeling like there is no way to stop emotional pain without co-regulating, the analogy being if you stubbed your toe it would just keep hurting at the same level of intensity until someone came along and fixed it. I feel the same with emotional pain, I can sit with emotional distress for days, weeks, sometimes even months, and if I don't have someone to co-regulate through it with, or if Im not able to "fix" it by solving the problem through actions, it just stays at the same level indefinitely. I've been trying to learn what self-regulation is, but I still don't get how to do it. I'm 32 years old and I only learned this year that some people can go away with their feelings and "process" them and come back more regulated. I just assumed that people were going away to co-regulate with someone else, or that I just feel emotions more deeply than others but that they still sit with feelings at the same intensity for ages, the intensity just being lower. All these resources online telling me that self-regulation is just taking a few deep breaths and removing myself from a situation until I've "processed." But what is this process? How does it work? What do I do to make it happen? I name the emotion, I feel it, I take some breaths, I tell myself that I'm safe. Then it just, stays... For ages. Until I talk to a friend or a therapist about it, and that sometimes helps. Your content has been such an incredible resource for my healing journey this year. I feel a deep amount of gratitude towards you, Heidi, for the resources you make.
I relate to this so so much. There's a journaling method proven through scientific study to help with this. Here's more info: www.va.gov/WHOLEHEALTHLIBRARY/docs/Therapeutic-Journaling.pdf There's also a Huberman podcast episode about it called A Science-Supported Journaling Protocol to Improve Mental & Physical Health
I relate greatly as well. It’s because we as humans are dependent on coregulation, especially as infants. Sadly if that’s wasn’t established as an infant with your primary caregivers it’s a lot harder to learn and apply as an adult. The book Hold Me Tight goes much more in depth on the topic and has been a very helpful resource for me.
The subtle subconscious reactions caregivers have to negative emotions in children who later become mildly avoidant people… it took awhile and a lot of therapy for me to realize my emotions and needs were unintentionally treated like a “burden” or “inconvenience” by my parents (esp my mom). And I totally internalized that! I always feel like I’m bugging people and my own negative emotions feel “inconvenient” rather than useful or productive.
Both of my parents taught me my feelings were a burden because that was their own experience then I married someone who was the same - doh. His view was that whatever I was feeling was nothing to do with him and it was all my issues. Anything I felt about being stressed or overwhelmed was of no interest to him whatsoever. We live and learn
You really have to feel bad if you get caught up in a relationship with an avoidant (and realize it after). They didn't choose to be that way, and they didn't even consciously do anything to reject you. It's not your fault, but sadly, we cannot fix people who don't even realize they have a problem in the first place.
I'm a fearful avoidant and just found attachment style existed as few days ago. It really warms my heart readying your comment. I can only imagine the image of me my exes have and I can only hope it's as compassionate as this comment.
We don’t have a problem. We are just different than you. For us, life is about so much more than just relationships. We like to travel, socialize with lots of people, and spend lots of time developing ourselves. You anxious types are so “preoccupied” with your relationships that you miss out on a lot of life. Think about it.
@@djhellion5 You by definition have a problem if you are an avoidant, lol. I can at least admit I have one, if you aren't even at the stage of realizing you have a problem, then you have a ways to go.
@@djhellion5 in my experience the avoidant really does want a relationship but they can’t keep one because they’re so disconnected emotionally. They end up filling this void with “other things” and then justifying it with statements like yours and wondering what is “wrong” with everyone else. I think it would be awful to live a whole life that is void of a true, deep connection with another person, but hey, enjoy it! 😊
imagine being in a relationship with someone who thinks you need to be ‘fixed’ to love people properly. “people who don’t even realize they have a problem in the first place”…god, no one projects shit like anxiously attached people do lmao.
My father died when my mother was pregnant with me. My mother said that when he died she cried for months and I'm sure she was not coping well when I was born. She moved back into my grandma's house and was raised by my grandma mostly while my mom worked. I'm sure this had a profound effect on me as I've had attachment issues my whole life with very strong emotions especially sadness. My mother became verbally and physically abusive to myself, my sister and my step sisters when she remarried when I was 4. I am now at 50, after an abusive marriage, discovering that I need to do so much healing work.
Thank you for this vulnerability. This touched my heart. I love that you are giving yourself the healing and care you need right now, that is so special and sending blessings to the healing of your lineage as well.
Attachment is formed in childhood because we are born with an innate knowing that our survival, both physical and emotional, depends on our caregivers. Therefore, we "adapt to the love that is available to us". Meaning, we will adapt to the attachment style of the parent or caregiver we are closest to. If our parent is avoidant or anxious, which is essentially a model for our relationship to intimacy both with other and self, we will learn how to respond to that caregiver in a way that keeps them available to care for us and ensure our survival. However, in adapting to this caregivers emotional style, we take on many other personal traits that end up forming the foundation and development of our personality. That was a little wordy, but hopefully makes sense. Read how to raise a secure child if you want an accessible, but also detailed explanation of all this stuff!
if you're aware of your emotions, maybe you learned that they served a purpose, to alert you to danger, but that showing those emotions put you in even more danger so you had to maintain a blank face. I had that experience. I had an insane father growing up who was very unpredictable and who raged at any kind of emotional expression. I'm Fearful Avoidant.
Oblivious Attachment! Wow!! That's actually what it was for me. I was just living my life in my own domain, completely oblivious to my own pain and to the pain of others. Now the blinders have been lifted and I'm no longer oblivious but now I need to resensitize my emotional pain receptors and accept the fact emotional pain is okay because it's a sign something is wrong. Thanks for pointing this out!
I really enjoy listening to you. You have a way of describing this topic that resonates and provides a deeper understanding of why I behave the way I do. I laughed when you revealed the "new names" for the attachment styles; Oblivious (Avoidant) & Obsessive (Anxious). It does describes them better, in my opinion. 😉
Anxious avoidant could be a deep longing & chronic emptiness of abandonment melange every single night of their purgatory life…? Or is that too wordy? Asking for a friend
I am anxious avoidant in a relationship with a extremely avoidant man for 5 years. I have been in a lot of pain the last few years - these videos are helping me so much. Understand myself & hopefully heal - can’t afford a therapist but doing ACA now. Thx u - u r brilliant
Its also important to note that neither attachment style is the equivalent of being broken or defective. Your attachment style is the natural adjustment or compensation to protect you emotionally as an infant. You should probably thank your attachment style for saving your life as a child. Because your caregivers placed you on the path of emotional harm. The problem is that these protection strategies no longer serve us as adults. But, our bodies and brains lack a natural mechanism to discard the attachment style. So, as adults, we need to take responsibility for doing that for ourselves - so we can have healthy relationships that enable our emotional growth as healthy adults.
Really like how you said it’s a spectrum! My aha moment was that I feel my attachment style is currently close to secure while still displaying some occasional behaviors that I would categorize as fearful avoidant. I alternate between what I was taught as a child (avoidant, tough, etc.) and occasionally anxious attachment when I have someone that I know is sensitive and wants to spend a lot of time with me, it’s like I mirror that.
My ex was an Oblivious trait, I struggled to cope with her coldness, gosting, over sensitivity to anything and she constantly said she can never change her ways. I stayed with her for 4 years because I loved her so much but time came when I couldn't cope anymore. My ex's avoidant behaviour started very early in her life after losing her dad very young and by age 13 she began to be independent and survived almost on her own. She's a person who can't express love emotions. At somepoint she brought shirts from the store but asked me to pay for them instead of giving them to me as gift. One time I gave a nice necklace to say sorry for something bad I had done, she took it, but I did not she her wear it at all. When she got infected with COVID-19 she chose not to tell about and stayed back alone at apartment.
At 11:25 I realized why my dad used to get so angry and shut down emotions immediately. This unearthed a lot of memories of him yelling, and I'm realizing why I have feared him so much. Finding this channel has truly helped me discover what I've felt my entire life but could never put into words or understand, especially with toxic shame. Thank you so much!
I just want to thank you. Your videos have helped me so much. As an avoidant who bypasses her emotions by excessive and exhaustive learning…. I have watched literally dozens of videos on attachment and yours stand out in so many positive ways. It’s very clear you are a natural at this and I truly appreciate you!
Your body is a machine that turns psychology and self-help literature into intelligible resources for damaged, but good people. Thank you for processing information like this to help others. I can tell you have a passion for the subject and to educate.
"Double the work, but double the reward"! Nice little mind game to play on myself to see the silver lining :D I love looking at things from new perspectives! Thanks Heidi!
Yeah that’s why one of the comments mentioned the level of precision. Being FA kinda gives you more of that knowledge as you have to look at both and figure your chaos out
Love you Heidi. U haven’t posted in months, and yet I’m just now finding you a week ago. You’ve already made me have massive actualizations. I also just did my first therapy session today. Pretty much everything I’ve learned in the past week of binging your videos and the past month, were a part of todays sessions talk. Thank you for making the push to post RU-vid videos. Your way of articulating these nuances is literally life saving. U mentioned how my type can feel misunderstood and not seen. To where when we find someone that does, we latch on for dear life. Well your channel is allowing me to not put that all on any one person right now. Life saving. Feels really good. Thank you so much
Please do another on managing Physical Pain between these personality types…My partner becomes extremely insensitive and angry when I communicate that I need some emotional support as a result of physical pain crescendo. I try to hide my chronic pain mostly, but sometimes I really need him to hold it and comfort me. In these times, he does the exact opposite. I kicked him out a few days ago. He promises to do better, but I don’t think he knows how, or can control himself at 67 yrs. of age. I am at a loss and don’t want to waste any more time with a partner who is not there for me when I need him most.
I don't care what anyone says, as an anxiously attached person I would KILL to not feel the intensity and depth of constant emotional pain, the same way avoidants do. I understand that both types need to work towards becoming secure BUT with that being said, even if avoidants are emotionally stunned and don't recognize the entire spectrum of emotions they could feel, it's still ABSOLUTELY better than not being able to fix your own "broken leg" unless you have someone around. Cause the fact is, you don't always have someone around. In that instance, I'd rather feel no pain at all than the deafening hurt, hopelessness and loneliness that I am simply just unable to soothe by myself. I'd say this is something I would not wish to my worst enemy. So yeah, I wouldn't say that all 3 insecure attachment styles are created equal. I've noticed that I am likely to abuse substances that numb me, just so I could "not feel". Like, for example something to "calm my nerves", but in reality it stops my thinking process altogether because it's all just too much. It's exhausting. I would attempt to sleep longer, engage in dangerous activities that give me an adrenaline rush, shop excessively just to feel good about something, even if just for a moment, take illegal substances, try to "replace" the people who leave my life by meeting new ones (not necessarily healthy ones), etc. Feeling is seriously overrated. I wonder how serene and peaceful it must be in the avoidantly attached person's head. It's like utopia to me. I want it so bad!
The Path is through the pain. Pain is unmet expectation, recognize it and experience it. Control your boundaries choose your pain. If it is pain from outside that is drama triangle work or comparison judging. If it is pain from within it is to be met, recognized, felt therefore overcome. The Feelings Hurricane is all our own. 💙
As an anxiously attached person, it isn't nearly as painless as you think. We're not numb to emotion. Nobody is. I might be at the less severe end of the spectrum, so this might not apply to all avoidants. I crave genuine human connection as much as anyone else but find it extremely hard to connect on more than a superficial level with most people. I can't even begin to heal interpersonal wounds because that requires being open and vulnerable with another person. I can't reach out and ask for help in my darkest moments because I'm afraid of being vulnerable. Imagine having emotional pain similar to what you currently feel but being incapable of reaching out and asking for help when you probably really need it. All avoidant people aren't necessarily _good_ at emotionally regulating themselves. It's just the only thing they know how to try. The emotional pain and loneliness is absolutely still there; it just expresses itself differently. That being said, the idea of anxious attachment is terrifying to me. I feel for you, but please don't downplay the severity of other unhealthy attachment styles. Suffering is suffering, and idealzing a different form of suffering won't do anyone any good.
maybe even that an angry reaction from a more avoidant attached person not only comes out of jealousy of the other person able to show their emotion, but also part is that they learnt anger to be a fitting reaction to negative emotions.. 🤔
the aha moment was the beginning plus when u came to my style - anxious attachment, because few months ago i had watched your videos and discovered that i am not doing well in any sort of relationships because i have an anxious attachment style instead of secure one and also that most people i might be attracted to are avoidant for evident reasons but then i started dwelling upon the word "avoid" in avoidant and wondered if am an avoidant one and kept watching more videos uploaded by you or other youtubers but it got me even more confused but now am sure that this is my attachment style. hope i can heal from it soon and reach the secure attachment style asap. lots of love heidi
16:58 Heidi speaks to the core issue of the Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style- She says it’s an Obsession with the relief of pain. I am not good at relationships. That makes me assume I would be insecurely attached. As I study about the attachment styles, I am pretty sure that I’m not Avoidant. I can relate to some of the Preoccupied traits but not their distress strategies. I have issues that muddy the waters- introversion, anxiety, depression, and sensory issues.
thank you for this important video. now I know why I feel the way I feel and crave attention the way I do. i realize I have a lot of work to do to restore a healthy attachment style
Heidi you are so right on! My husband had this happened to him. As long as he was good, the “ good boy” and never felt bad or asked for what he needed. He can’t get in touch his emotional pain and he can’t understand why I feel so much pain after him neglecting me emotionally and sexually. I am Now depressed with high anxiety of course you can imagine how my husband, as an avoidant is reacting. He lacks compassion and he is annoyed.
I found the Answers I needed in this video! So attachment has a spectrum!! I started to think about it because me and my ex partner have been also quite secure sometimes. I've been the one shifting more towards anxiety between the two of us. It's tricky to find a balance and to be secure all the time!
Your content has helped me understand myself and the relationships I have with friends, family and my s.o. so much!! Thank you 🙏🏽 You are the absolute best out here
This makes so much sense. As an anxious attachment person, it explains why I need to carry certain foods or things with me in case certain things come up. It's why I hold on to stuff (to protect me & keep me safe because I need the outside stuff to do that for me because I can't do that for myself). It's also why I like to be in control because I can't trust outside sources sometimes. So it's a double edged sword. I am at a place in my life, at 53, that I really want to heal this and let go, and trust, and become a securely attached person. How can I do this as a single person? It's been a super struggle for me, being single, because I know I could do it if I had support, love, & encouragement from a partner. That would make me feel safe and supported enough to conquer the world. But doing this alone is so hard, scary, painful, etc. Can I do this on my own? How do I move from anxious attachment to secure attachment on my own?
Glad to know I’m not the only one in this catch-22. I have been trying to solve where to truly start for fifteen years. No matter how many amazing, profound, insightful resources, it’s always, “that’s the answer, but now I need to do this first”, and over and over again of, “to do that first, now I need this other thing first.” The best answer I have so far, is that developing emotional mirroring (mirror neurons need to be healed, that’s the injury), can be done one of two ways. Infant and caretaker bonding, or pair bonding as an adult. Pair bonding as in close intimate romantic significant other relationship. Some amount of self regulation is required to start a pair bond as an adult. So… it’s a catch-22 with no realistic resolve. Transcendental idealism, or a spiritual esoteric resource might be needed. This is a profoundly difficult problem. I hope you the best and find what works for you.
I think one of the main markers of being an anxiously attached person is having that constant feeling that you -could- heal but only with the help of a partner. I'm absolutley not an expert, but from what I've heard and seen, building a wider community of support outside a romantic partner is a really great way to create relationships where you can be vulnerable and receive support without using them as a crutch or "cure." Even more than that though, healing anxious attachment is the process of developing now patterns and thought processes, becoming rewired really, to stop feeling so helpless and empty without a partner, as you learn how to self-regulate and support and care for yourself and your own emotions. Healing anxious attachment by -using- a partner to co-regulate (which is different from having a partner and using co-regulation where it is appropriate) is not healing anxious attachment, it is feeding it.
@@aureliaestelleschoolacc That last sentence is huge. There is the challenge that expressing anxious attachment does drive people away, which feeds the cycle. “I’m afraid people won’t like me or leave”, is picked up by others, and invariably becomes the cause of loss. It isn’t hopeless or futile though. All this does have a legitimate answer, it’s just very complicated (to understand), but then… simple to do (eventually at some point). “Take what works, and leave the rest.” (As in advice and resources for healing) Healing trauma is immensely complicated. There isn’t one (or a few) correct ways. Whatever works, is what works…
I think that having extra things with you, and relying on yourself in certain situations because you know that you know what you need and others may not is a really healthy way to begin healing even when you don’t have a partner! Good for you that you know yourself so well. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just the way you are and you have certain needs. It’s very responsible to be aware and provide yourself with what comforts you. That being said, you’re not in an insecure relationship if you’re not in a relationship, so I would suggest that you just go into the next relationship very consciously and choose somebody who is aware of your need to heal in a healthy relationship. There’s a huge difference between taking advantage of someone in spewing your emotions because you have anxious attachment, versus knowing that having what you didn’t have as a child is what will heal you and being honest at the start of a relationship with someone who is capable and willing to go through that with you. There are definitely people out there that can support you and provide this for you in a healthy relationship. There’s nothing wrong with having weak points and strong points as long as we are upfront about them and take responsibility for the part that is our own. Relationships were meant to allow for healing and seeking that out is something all humans should do if they aim to become whole and want to experience the give and take of a partnership.
What really really does help (and I tried so many things!!!) is a good trauma therapy and seriously the best is a combination of Somatic experiencing and NARM by Laurence Heller. Also read his book and complete the work book - it is about healing attachment trauma. The other thing is journaling and actively allowing yourself to feel your emotions, you need to acknowledge them without wallowing in them. The next thing would be to find a partner/group where you can practice „honest sharing“ it is a technique of honest communication and a kind of meditation almost where you share what is happening in the now for you. The technique is easy, free and works in a way that it regulates the whole nervous system changing the way you see yourself and other people. It can be done online if there is no partner or group close by. Check out Gopal Norbert „honest sharing“ - he is Herman but started to create groups in the States recently. Good luck with that, healing is absolutely possible. The key is to address the body, the nervous system and foster a deep connection with yourself and others to receive co-regulation.
I think the categories of attachment style descriptions seem to treat childhood experience as dynamics of a single moment in time instead of a process occuring over time. Insecurity seems to result from a lack of attunement to a child's evolving needs at the various levels of development moving from dependence towards independence.
Thank you! This was a helpful description of the avoidant and the anxious attachment styles, a little bit different than what I've run across so far. That the avoidant-attachment-style person is oblivious to it is a good point: ie, it's not that person's conscious decision to be mean. Thanks.
For me it is as simple as admitting that I feel pain, that it was real and that it hurt me. Most of it is in the past for me so I can admit that it happened and that I carry it. That it is time for me to let it go and I no longer have to let it be a part of my decision making process today. Also looking at the responsibility for both parties, What role did I play and how did it take part in hurting me. If there was little I could do about it and I was truly an innocent victim then understanding that I am no longer that weak person or child that is vulnerable I am now an adult who is safe on his own. 💙
This was hugely beneficial for me. Especially understanding more clearly how my early childhood experiences (0-3y) laid the foundation for my attachment style, and how healthy modeling (among other things) were tools i was not given but have had to make myself over time. This series you've done on attachment styles has been wonderful for those of us who consider ourselves "disorganized" in our attachment. Your ability to reflect the frameworks of both styles in a back-and-forth way, was just really easy to digest, and helped connect a lot of dots. like why i never take anything for my headaches. Thanks!
Hey Heidi, I love your content. You are a hero. I do have a suggestion or or point of criqitue, and im curious about your take on this. As a uni student I am used to long lectures and texts. Still I notice your videos sometimes discourage me, because everything you say is so helpful, but it is a lot and it sometimes takes a lot of side ways. Maybe its just my Gen Z brain, but I think people who are not as intelligent as you, or struggle with language/concentration, might not benefit as much as they could from your amazing content. For example. Your are about to give an example of the dismissive avoidant. You take a sideway of explaining how you think the name is not really fitting anymore. This is super interesting, and I understand why you want to talk about it from your perspective. But from the perspective of the listener, the why behind taking this side way doesnt really become clear. It can be sometimes hard to stay tuned during the full 30 minutes, since its mostly just you speaking without visual editing cues e.g. There is nothing wrong with that, it obvously helps a lot of people. Just wanted to share my perspective :) Thank you so much
As a dismissive avoidant I can't imagine needing external forces in order to self regulate emotions. We don't ever want to relay on others to feel okay. God forbid I had/needed a shoulder to cry on! 🤣🤣🤣 The thought of it scares me! 😬
No, I'm anxious attachment, and my parents did not even inconsistently respond to my emotions, they completely never soothed them. I think its more a personality that you are born with... i was just quieter than my brother (avoidant attachment) and learned to pretend I was okay and didn't have emotions better than him. He was more disruptive and actually used to beat me up all the time, i was terrified of him. Now hes more mellow as a grown avoidant.
Born with a personality? So who is responsible for that ? Yaweh ? Lol Researchers are also finding evidence of fetuses being flooded with cortisol in utero in mothers under chronic stress . They are finding that infants born from those conditions predispose them to a lower threshold to manage/cope with stress and anxiety . They are already behind the eight ball right from the get-go. And by the way ,you nor your parents can specially remember every moment of your infancy , no matter how idyllic you or they may describe it
My two cents on what those attachment styles should be called is exactly what they are at face value: independent and dependent attachment. Also, some of my own experience with (what I think is) fearful-avoidant, at least in end result. I feel mostly like an anxiously attached person who relies on others for soothing emotional pain, but I lead an incredibly reclusive and introverted life so I don't have any of those people around. But instead of learning to self-soothe, I've learned to dismiss those negative feelings.
This was good. As a DA/OA I always wondered why people were so dramatic about things going wrong in their lives. Also, I liked how you talked about DA/OAs being SOLUTION oriented. I've always been solution oriented when it comes to my issues and never understood why others didn't do the same. For example, when I got screwed over by companies I worked for (hours cut, promotions passed up, etc), I started my own company. In the flip side, friends and family would go through the same things and complain whilst continuing to work for the company. Anyway, great video!
Maybe because everyone is different and not the same just because that worked for you doesn't mean it will work for everyone the blueprint is different for everybody it's not that cut and dry like you think this is definitely a D.A thinking pattern lol
@@uniquedavenport I'm not saying my exact blueprint will work for everyone, but you need to be solution oriented nonetheless. If you're dependent on others and waiting for permission, good luck with that. I just received an award as best martial art school in my city and most of my "friends and family" didn't even bother to congratulate me. In fact, my own mother couldn't understand why I wanted the plaque and crystal I was awarded. For the record, I built this business while sleeping in my car so yeah... if I can do it ANYONE can.
I wonder if there's been any studies to show that infants who suffered from painful health issues mostly developed the anxious attachment? I had colic and my mom said I'd cry nonstop, even throughout the night on most nights. And I'm sure that affected her response to me at different times based on her mood or emotions.
Really good content in every video! I absolutely love how there is always an ”… But” lingering around the corner! Found myself being a bit dissapointed in this one ”…. However” 😊 Keep up the good work!
This is an excellent presentation, I learned so much. The Avoidant and Anxious Attachment styles are me (anxious) and my wife (avoidant) and it’s made for challenging moments over the years as I wallow in self pity and my wife goes gardening….not the best but a likely outcome.
Do you guys talk about what you feel at least from time to time? The way you describe it the two of you engage in the learnt coping strategies and therefor no healing or changes take place. Check outshines communication/honest sharing it’s life changing, but obviously the two of you need to be engaged.
Not really, usually it’s me burbling on about what I see as going on and what we’re missing…affection is number one. She, clams up, kind of listens briefly but no real contact. Very sad. How to facilitate engagement is a struggle.
@@rosslevitates Ugh, I see. That sounds quite frustrating. It would need the two of you to work on it to establish better communication and work toward emotional closeness. I hope you are ok and at least make space to be there for yourself and allow yourself to feel and acknowledge your emotions.
Thanks for your concern, much appreciated. I do pay attention to my thoughts and emotions….it’s quite essential in order to not be overwhelmed with aloneness, loneliness etc. cheers
Thank you so much for these videos. You have helped me so much with learning how to figure out why I react the way I do and you give practical advice on what I/we can do to help ourselves grow. 🙏
My mother is anxiously attached to my dad and would interpret his job, their kids and anything that held his attention as a threat to her. Time spent with other family was time taken from her, money spent on bills or hobbies was money not given to her. I don’t think she ever got used to prioritizing us kids because she would complain about it and still does to this day. “I didn’t have a happy childhood and I turned out fine, you kids don’t deserve one either!” Is what she’d say, screaming and hitting us any time we expressed a need for anything 🙃 I’m now an avoidant person and idk how to stop it
Whats interesting about the comments here is the amount of blaming that is going on between Anxious and Avoidant styles in the context of relationship. Nobody chooses their attachment style - until they choose to change it as an adult. And nobody can “fix” anyone else. We can only “fix ourselves.” It’s ironic that Fearful - avoidant and anxious types are strongly attracted to one another subconsciously. For the anxious, the avoidant offers the hope of emotional regulation. And for the avoidant, the anxious partner loves the openness and directness of the anxious partner. The two are strongly attracted to one another because of this. And both suffer in relationship because of this inter-dependent dynamic. The suffering is unintentional for both people. Blaming has zero value in this dilema. Examine yourself and your own attachment style. And note that securely attached partners experience both anxious and avoidant with far less intensity than anxious and avoidant experience one another. Both people have responsibility in relationship. Thats just a fact.
❤ moments I identify with and learned from 13:36 this contrast of secure families to insecure 🙁 my family was not abusive but there was not a modeling by parents of working through unpleasant emotions. Also, 15:48 excellent metaphor for ceregulation
The way she described the “learning to express negative emotion as not useful and so resorting to a tough exterior” happens to men all the time because women’s empathy isn’t for men it’s for kids on average as attraction triggers often conflict with the empathy men need. Cuz then you also got the women who came out of some sort of level of chaos, who dosent trust the world, so she seeks out “the psychopath that loves me” because she then at least trusts he will go cut the head off the dragon 🐉 if needed more than the world. So as a result there are all these pressures and influences conditioning men to be more avoidant as a result. The issue then too is that the anxious women running around projecting her emotions onto her son without reciprocity then creates an intergenerational cycle where the women then passes the avoidance onto the son because she or the partner couldn’t figure their stuff out
Ever feel that you have done SELF WORK on self and it seems like it is NEVER enough? I never had a issue feeling I wasn't good enough. When it comes to working on self I feel like I will NEVER get to a point to STOP. Which drives home the never good enough to stop working on self. The Universe is apparently really bored. The Universe must FEEL it is NEVER good enough to stop evolving.
Your vids are really great, thank you. I really like the way you attach no shame to any styles and break it down to simple communication and understanding
Thank u for your content. My bf and I had very similar experiences as kids but developed different strategies of coping with that. Those coping skills are also heavily dependant on the culture in which u live in, so i wouldn't say, things always develop like you described. Honestly I think we all have the same wound and we have different approaches dealing with it. Also, as a bit of an anxious i have an issue with your naming, because ppl need ppl to coregulate, who needs who and how much is appropriate to need someone is deeply individual and there is no outside referenical point on which u can judge that appropriatness for all humans and all situations. So what seems to you as obsessive, someone else would judge that as a normal human basic need that went unmet for a long time. What you judge as oblivious, someone else would judge as normal freeze response. We all come from our own personal experience, and that judginess is the root of that mf AA trap.
I'm really not sure whether I'm fearful or anxious... I have a hard time differentiating between actual insecurity with anxious attachment... is it really just your bad thoughts telling you these things because you're insecure? Or is that your actual attachment style since it's been wired from you as a kid... Maybe throughout time having an anxious attachment style leads you to have an avoidant attachment style because you confuse it as insecurity and think you're overreacting... idk I'm just confused.
MISSING THE MECHANISM THAT MADE PAIN STOP. That is me. If I’m in a argument with my boyfriend I need to find someone to talk to as soon as possible otherwise I feel broken
It has to come from a radical shift to new beliefs and ideas, a new perspective. It’s hard to explain, but basically getting to a point where it hurts more to stay the same than to change.
I love your deep dives into attachment styles. In broad strokes, I'm an anxious married to an avoidant. Naturally, I want to have discussions about emotional issues, why he ended up this way, his early childhood. All that is met with ice. He clearly does not want to go there. Would I be wrong to broach this topic with him by sharing some of this video? You are giving me tremendous insight into how he thinks, and to all the wrong ways I've been trying to get closer. We are married 13 years, known each other for decades, and he's still a mystery to me.
Regarding the information you gave on the processing of emotional pain: Primary Psychopaths don’t feel any emotional pain. That is false information here, they do feel muted emotions but there is no suffering only frustration or being something like angry. As psychopathy does have a spectrum that can be more intensely or mildly presented but there is never emotional suffering of any sort. For who is interested, there are books about the topic by Kevin Dutton or the neuroscientist James Fallon who is a primary psychopath himself. Secondary psychopaths (sociopaths, anti-Social personality disorder)are different and do have a high degree of impulsivity and can be emotional/ have fleeting emotions in a way more similar to other „normal“ people.
@@taylor7326 ? The lack of suffering doesn’t mean that all there is left are pleasant emotions. Otherwise I don’t know what you mean. No, anger and frustration are no positive emotions but lie on the negative spectrum but again as a primary psychopath you may experience these emotions but they don’t cause the psychopathic individual to experience the suffering „attached to it“ that so many neurotypicals feel when negative emotions arise.
I can’t see any reason to not envy the dismissive avoidant. They are literally wired for pain relief. They may experience it, but not near the degree of other people. Seems pretty adaptive to me
I was raised not to show any emotion and if I did no one cared. Same for when I was going through my divorce. I was on my own. At the same time I had one grandmother who was nice to me but who would just up and leave continously she was an acholic. In relationships I bend over backwards to make them happy I feel anxious but I don't show emotion. What am I?
Is it possible that attachment styles can instead form from trauma from relationships throughout life? I found I’ve become more anxiously attached after each relationship and they all seem to end terribly!
*"God is a concept by which we measure our pain."* John Lennon An assessment of attachment in the meta sense... also Lennon's statement of belief... in himself ~ & partner/wife, Yoko Ono... considered by some to be an (anxious) obsession ~ or "oblivious" (?)
My college GF used to say I have "holes" in my ego (vulnerabilities, weaknesses, blind spots?) and people can see them, I am unaware of them, and people will take advantage of them. Can you do one on something like that? Like, defending myself from society or being vulnerable yet impenetrable (?)
🧐hmm, parents were more on the emotionally neglectful end, so negative and/or positive cues were not present, as opposed to aggressive responses to child’s negative emotions.
So...this has me wondering. If my dad had an avoidant attachment style and my mum an anxious one, that makes me... screwed right? Serious question BTW. Your video's are incredible.
I think the equality of the dismissive avoidant who puts down emotions because of dull pain recepters, is an anxious attached who never had any of their emotions heard and validated either. I think you should explain that, because its dishonest that anxious attachments had their emotions heard but inconsistently.
The exaggerating is sad as me being anxious my ex really triggered cause all I wanted was peace and I was told I needed thicker skin and best believe I hate how emotional I get things feel extremely intense
Anxious avoidant could be a deep longing & chronic emptiness of abandonment melange every single night of their purgatory life…? Or is that too wordy? Asking for a friend. Lol
