My biggest problem now is I’ve just learned to have so much peace alone. I have lonely nights, but in general I’m so happy, calm, and feel safe with myself. Letting someone in too close just seems like such a risk when I love how life is right now with my freedom
I feel like that’s really healthy! If you love the way your life is stay single for a while until you’re ready to add a partner to your life that’s going to add to your happiness ❤
I felt like that for a long time. It will end. The day will come, when you will realise, how much time you could have spent investing in a relationship but didn't, And now you need that relationship, but it's not there, and you can't just build it out of nothing in a day.
Man, every time I hear in these videos “you have to rely on other people, everyone does,” I panic and think, “wait, really?” then immediately, “but what if they let me down??” Damn it, brain, we’ve been through this. The entire world is not your childhood.
Yet avoidants still go around fucking people over because they actually do want intimacy at first the pull away. The So called serial daters. If they didn’t need anyone they would not date. They do need people but more as their personal toys. Narcissistic abusers tbh
How does this sound to you: "I open myself up for the possibility to make deep and intimate connections, and I allow myself to remain my independence." This can take you the pressure of needing to rely on others and it gives your soul the relief that you can remain your independence. Me personally helped Numerology a lot to understand when I am avoidant, and I am not allowing deep connections in.
practicing the eastern philosophy of non attachment has helped me with this. You open yourself up to connection and love but with the understanding that nothing is permanent and you have the ability to maintain equilibrium with or without the people you love.
It's the dismissive word that keeps people from seeing it...... You are not dismissive of other peoples feelings, you are dismissive of your own feelings. It is not about the hit and quit it stereotypes, it is about fiercely independent people who self regulate and do not want to bother people with their own feelings. They feel they have to be positive all the time and acts of service works for them to feel they are helping. They, too, deserve compassion because they had no control over what caused it and are only doing their best like everyone else. Thanks for the compassionate understanding, I have never seen it presented like that.
@@MiersPorgan69 People who judge others without meeting or knowing them may have the same thing said about them.... I was merely expressing what I felt the video was stating with compassion, because the stereotypes we see and hear about do not fit all ADs. Furthermore, attachment styles are on a spectrum which have to do with age, commitment and even personality spectrums thrown in- not a one size concrete easy explanation that so many look for.
It hurts to understand what childhood experience leads to an avoidant attachment style. I picture this little kid getting rejected repeatedly when he/she needs support or a loving response and eventually resolves in "self-regulation", it is painful to watch.
I realized that about myself years ago and immediately it turned into another self abusive tool. "something is really wrong with me and it's my fault". Crazy to figure it out now.. I guess 29 isn't too late.
Thank you for being the only one on the internet treating avoidantly attached people with empathy. Although I would say having an anxiously attached parent who has an overwhelming response of negative emotions like panic, anger, sadness when you express your needs, or even who is hyper vigilant of your emotions can also make you avoidant, you say you're fine so you don't upset anyone.
6:31 "Level 1 of the avoidant fearing emotional intimacy, is that they fear they are going to have to compromise the relationship they have with their self and their own ability to self regulate." 7:13 "some form of disgust response" 13:39 "the feeling that, there is something wrong with them, that they can't quite put a finger on". Thanks for sharing!
A summery of my ex wife. If I wasn't now on the way to becoming secure in my own anxious attachment style ( which I now have integrated onto my self regulation)I'm certain I would have been emotionally triggered by this "reveal " the thought I'm having is that at least right now I'm finally ok with how my marriage fell apart and that her aviodant style of ultimately rejecting intimacy was not a conscious choice on her part .
Wow.. it's like you were reading my life narrative. I've been "struggling" for years with intimacy & dating but at the same extremely content with my life- it's always felt like a strange paradox that I could never fully understand about myself!! Thank you for your insight 💗
Are you still struggling with allowing intimacy in, or would you say you resolved it? If yes, I would be curious to read how you transformed avoidance into intimacy.
I think, at some point, we just need to be confident enough to put ourselves out there... push ourselves to connect more than we're initially comfortable with.
Carl Jung’s Shadow theory was the key that unlocked the door to feelings for me. The struggle to understand the world of feelings is like one day you wake up and everyone is started speaking Chinese. You pretend like you have always spoke the language, and pick up just enough so you can pass as a native speaker pretty well. Deep down you know you don’t what anyone is truly saying, and if you get close to anyone, they will figure out that you don’t know any Chinese and you’ve been pedaling this entire time. But one day, you stumble upon a book and it just so happens to translate every word, so suddenly you can understand what everyone is saying and you can speak back. Carl Jung was my language so I could understand the translation Sadly, deep down I think I will always feel like a foreigner, speaking someone’s language just having a thick accent. I will say, it’s much easier to get to know other people and it has giving my life meaning and fulfillment.
I have to say as someone who earned my secure attachment as a former fearful avoidant, the content you shared in a 20 min video has more value and impact than anything I have learned in my years of recovery. I would also recommend to anyone who’s trying to heal from avoidance is to read the book, “The Power of Vulnerability” by Brenè Brown. It completely changed my life. Keep up the amazing content!
I'd love to chat with you regarding your journey, I relate to a lot in this video but I'm not sure what to do about it. Thank you for the book recommendations, I'll definitely get it !
ohh I never thought my addiction to routine was about my avoidant attachment style.. and it makes so much sense! I always have things planned/ what I will do next, and it’s really because I want to self regulate and rely on myself/ my plans so I don’t have to depend on anyone and I never realized it! Very eye opening, thank you very much
My entire family (mother, father, brother) and a number of friends are also like this. Constantly planning the next (distraction). I could never understand it before this. I thought it was the ‘flight’ trauma response but this makes more sense.
This is the best description of what happens to me that I’ve ever seen, especially the point that avoidant people just need to be re-assured that they won’t be rejected because that what it’s all about. I’ve never actually heard some explain that NO, this is NOT what it’s about. It’s about SELF-shaming and SELF-rejecting. AND, the description of just feeling “blech” is perfectly described. Also, the disgust response...also spot on. It feels just awful.
@Velo Moose Awesome comment, that really captures the "ahaaah" moment of hearing it in your ears rather than echoing in the deep regions of the back of the mind. That distinction between self-criticism and other-derived criticism is the crucial element finally made clear. Thanks, hope you and all of us can use it to help ourselves and others heal the wounds that caused that self-blame.
I've been trying to find the words to explain this to my well-meaning gf. I've said "It's not about you rejecting me" and "it's not about people judging us" and she has been confused and I think hurt-- she understands I'm anxious, but she doesn't understand my anxiety. I don't think I'd be able to describe this disgust response in a way that wouldn't make her feel bad so I've just been saying that I'm just anxious instead. Like how do you tell someone "the fact that I know you love me disgusts me and that's why I go cold on you a lot and I desperately wish I didn't?" For me it's not really about the kind of fear of intimacy that she was talking about-- I think I'm pretty open about my negative emotions and I'm okay about exposing my anxiety to people. My revulsion is more around feeling desired or needed. Which I guess comes from a subconscious taboo on needing or desiring anybody. I used to never hug my friends or relatives when they were gone a long time and came back, and it was never because I didn't like hugs-- it was that expression of joy and excitement to see each other that made me feel strongly uncomfortable and like it would make them disgusted and embarrassed by me. I do think it goes back to both of my parents being gone for work a lot as a kid for long stretches of time, and I also think my dad is also Avoidant and I picked this up from him. I hope I can find a way to communicate what I feel to my gf in a way that doesn't sound like "I'm grossed out by you." "I'm grossed out by ME for wanting you" is also bad. I'm trying to heal.
@@Magictownie "Like how do you tell someone 'the fact that I know you love me disgusts me and that's why I go cold on you a lot and I desperately wish I didn't?'" Exactly. And for me, I can't even identify the feeling as disgust. The best I can do is say it just feels horribly exposing and frightening and threatening in some hard-to-pinpoint way. It fucking sucks and makes me feel hopelessly broken and I hate it.
You know how movies like the Matrix do action shots in slow-motion so you can see what’s really going on? In real-time you’d miss it, but you can absorb everything better when it’s slowed down and broken down. Heidi, your videos do that for conscious and subconscious processing. Fascinating stuff. It helps me so much. This is yet another *SUPER* insightful video. Coffee on me. Cheers!
I have an avoidant husband and i have been going insane with his avoidant personality and clashing thoughts. On one side, I do know in my heart that he is a good man, he does love me, we went through a struggle to be with each other, got married young etc. On the other hand, intimacy always takes a backseat. We used to engage in bad fights over the years because the moment I expressed my needs, he became explosive and painted me in a bad light. Over time, with the help of such videos, reading up on this personality type & self awareness of own anxious attachment type (because I grew up without my dad and lost my mom at a young age), I made some changes in myself and noticed things DID get better with him. I noticed him making an effort too, where I knew he was merely making an effort for my sake, but remember you cant change someoen to think and feel like you. as long as the effort is coming, it means something. When I stopped 'demanding' my needs being met, giving me more time, doing things for me in a certain way (my love language) and took out complaining and accusatory tone and words out of our discussions, I was able to notice some positive changes. He became more open, shared more, was not as evasive as he used to be (because the fear of criticism reduced somewhat), even started making expressive gestures (a little bit) and became more in tune of his responsibilities. towards me. He's still the same guy that honestly, I am annoyed with almost everyday but being married for almost 8 years I have noticd that every person has their vice, it may sound cliched but NOBODY is perfect. Honestly, it is EXTREMELY hard work, it's like you constantly train yourself to be a less sentimental, brave, calm person (especially if you're an anxious, insecure in love kind of person) but over time, you will realize that avoidant people in most cases are victims of their neglectful & abusive childhoods. While I am NOT advocating avoidants, knowing first hand how lonely & empty you feel with them, but they're NOT BAD PEOPLE. if we go on leaving people for who they are, everyone would be single. I believe God really does want you to be self-reliant and explore that whole universe in yourself that you are. yes, love and affirmation is important, but they're not all your life, just parts of it. dont rely on others to make you feel loved and validatated. Final thing: learn to appreciate what people spell out in their own love language rather than enforcing your own and as long as the partner IS making some sort of effort for the relationship, hang on :)
Just reading all this gave me a headache. If I heard this stuff often. It would drive me nuts! I guess you both keep each other on your toes, and that helps keep the relationship fresh.
I needed this... Ive been with someone for about a year now and its honestly been rocky. I also grew up without a father in a very abusive home. I learned very early on that no one would be there for me emotionally and I became and still am very self reliant. At the same time, when Im in a relationship, I tend to be very affectionate and over sharing. I crave someone to know and understand "the real me" Each time i did this in this relationship, I felt him pull back. At one point we broke up and he began dating another girl. I immediately cut off all communication and comforted myself with work 'small wins " and journalling etc. In less than two weeks, he was begging to be with me again. This cycle happened twice more. I finally realized that,(just as you said) i needed to detach and find places and activities that I could express the all the parts of me that this guy couldn't meet. (He's a dismissive avoidant) Everytime i would demand that he ask about my day or comfort me on a bad day, he'd shut down and we'd separate. This situation isnt for the faint of heart...i had always dreamed of having a partner who is also my best friend but this man is a good man. He will probably never be my best friend but I think that might not be a bad thing. Depending on someone to somehow fix you or be the source of your happiness isnt a wise decision. Thank you for your insight, You are not alone.
Wow. It doesn’t sound like a happy marriage for you. Honestly, he sounds selfish. There is s difference between being compassionate and being codependent. We teach people how to treat us. If you get punished when you confront Him that’s not good.
perhaps you're right, but i'm past the stage of being miserable. no marriage is 100% happy, no relationship is bliss all the time. I didn't say it is always bad, we have some very good moments too. Also, yes, you cannot confront him head on, but you can create a ground and then talk to him about it. honestly, i think he has worked on his issues over time too. marriage is a lot of hard work. and i'm not a fan of hoppping in and out of relationships. every relationship has its demons@@christinefury1040
Whoa, i feel where you're coming from and the loneliness. Wow. i am in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant where i've been working on healing for so long but get triggered back into my anxious attachment by it regularly. It's extremely challenging and i feel so alone in it. i am hardly ever allowed to express how i feel and regardless, he pulls away anyway. i feel his pain and have shown him i'm there for him, but he hardly ever feels safe enough to express any feelings. It's a tough spot to be in.
I really got more out your two videos than working with three therapists over the past eight years. I’m a stable personality but the woman I’ve been interested in and trying to figure out is dismissive avoidant. I now understand why it is so hard for her to be intimate. Perfect example of your explanation is I recently had lung surgery in a town 160 miles from home and she was in a hotel to look after me for the week I was in hospital. Your explanation of why she put in so much energy was her form of intimacy. Just for reference. I was married for 53 years before my wife died and I began my friendship with this woman. I’m 85 and she is 74. I really enjoyed your presentation.
I've been emotionally abused and neglected not just by my parents but also by my older brother, so from my Dad, I got "stop crying!" which terrified me out of showing distress around men, from my Mom that it was ok to cry in front of women (so I'm ok doing that) but if I wanted any kind of love, cuddles or affection I was met with this blank, indifferent coldness, which translated as rejection, and then from my brother that everything I liked that was girly was "cringe" and "cheesy" (though he himself liked that stuff, like Sailor Moon). So I grew up into a messed up adult that believes feminine stuff is shameful at the core (yet I'm also berated for being a tomboy), requests for love and affection will get rejected, and that men are, well, abusive and a risk to be around, unsafe. So I've never even dated, because I never wanted to bother a guy with how I felt about him...
@@Cocoisagordonsetter That's not the issue. Online dating would still fill me with anxiety, and probably even more so because I'll be meeting a man I don't know who probably specifically looks for a relationship, and judges me on whether or not I'm adequate or inadequate, which would make me close myself up even more for fear of rejection. And I don't know what you're referring to with a "chastity belt", I'm not a prude, I have anxiety issues around intimate relationships with men. And I have a lot of boundaries around values. Too many. Don't worry, my therapist and I are working on it. I've been making some headway since I wrote that post. The solution is little baby steps.
@@Cocoisagordonsetter Interesting. I don't think not having sex with the person will prevent you from getting jaded right off the bat, but ok. What religion? If you don't mind me asking. I have a similar religious rule.
@@Cocoisagordonsetter I don't get it... so you don't even do online dating, then why recommend it. I go to meetup groups. That's as far as "online dating" I'll go - group settings with common interests, men and women, platonic.
@@Cocoisagordonsetter Thanks... but for someone in my situation, I would NOT recommend online dating. It's best to slowly build up self esteem by practicing simpler relationships like friendship.
Or the last time they were vulnerable with someone, they lost them. A parent, a partner etc. So fear and disgust and pushing aside of vulnerable emotions occurs and then replaced by hyper independence.
Yeah, what discussions of emotional vulnerability sometimes miss a bit is that it genuinely is a real risk to be vulnerable around people. Very very often it ends up being an experience that ends up causing pain or negative change. Even when all parties mean well. It's a real risk and quite often it does not turn out well. I guess what I'm saying is it's a very rational and reasonable fear. Even if it's worth learning to sometimes do it anyway, it's a very sensible thing to have some fear of.
The thing is true vulnerability should be detached from the outcome. If you're being vulnerable and expecting speicific outcome, you're using vulnerability as a tactic instead of being authentic. I myself had experience being vulnerable and it led to a relationship broke up. I just accept it that they are not compatible with me. I will always be vulnerable to filter out the wrong person.
This video is probably the best I've seen on the avoidant attachment style. It really helped me to understand myself deeper. I was not making the connection with having routines and it makes absolute sense now. I also related a lot to the disgust reaction I feel when someone else "pities me". And as I don't remember having been rejected or suppressed for my emotions as a child, it was useful to hear that it stem from parents who themselves were showing avoidant traits. Thank you so much for this, I'm gonna watch it again and subscribe!
Gosh I just realized something thanks to this video. I always thought that I have anxious attachment style, because for the past year or so I was very attached to a person I cannot have. But watching this it hit me that I actually chose to be attached to this person so I can avoid any other potential romantic interactions. And when you started explaining the part about the disgust of my needs and emotions I related so much that it made me reflect on the whole thing. Wow. Thank you!
Wow I just realized this reading this 🤯. I’ve been subconsciously in love with someone I only went on two dates with. It’s exactly what you said. I’m in LOVE with the concept of romance without the icky side effects that come with long term relationships. I love lighthearted interactions.
@@crimsonskiss OMG SAME. i've also noticed this lately that i am in love with the concept of love. its one of those scary realizations for me. i've always fall for people i cant have and most of my teenage years for fictional people and now im struggling with dating at 25 never having a proper long term relationship.
@Crimson's Kiss " in LOVE with the idea of romance" - it would be difficult to image being any other way; who wouldn't want to have the "perfect" "safe" connection with someone who fits with you just the way you are? Those "icky side effects" can really shatter the dream, just beginning to recover some of myself from one of those that ended 3 years ago. But prior to that I had one that lasted 23 years , and those side-effects were part of what made it so magical. We just have to meet our match, and be able to tell the difference - Good luck, we all deserve to have that partner who can help us live our truest desires.
you made me realize the reason i keep falling for people i can't date is because that allows me to feel romantic feelings without that intimacy, and the reason im freaking out about my new relationship is because it's the first time in a while where i am actually supposed to be vulnerable and intimate. ugh
Thank you for naming the self shaming that occurs when one wants to share genuine feelings and how reassurance from others doesn't help unless one can un-link shame from emotional expression and disassociate vulnerability from punishment and rejection. Your channel here helps me feel less isolated and that someone understands the protective world that the avoidant attachment person constructs to avoid hurting and being hurt; to avoid judging and being judged, and to avoid appearing less than perfect, flawed, vulnerable, sinful, unreliable, etc.
This is one of the best insights into cognitive processes of avoidant mind. I feel bit reassured that I couldn't really help my avoidant partner to open up. I also understand now why it became too much when idea of moving in together was introduced and relationship was going to become more serious. Thank you.
All these videos really do is make me realize I'm fundamentally broken as human on a level I don't think I will ever be able to articulate. I didn't ask for this either. RU-vid just decided I might like this type of video.
This reminds me of a time my therapist asked me what I need. I went on a short rant that nobody has expressed that I am doing a good job, and I'm doing the best I can. I was having a super hard time seeing this for myself. At the end of our appointment my therapist attempted to fill this role for me, and I didn't hear a word she said. I watched her lips move like they were saying words, I knew she was talking to me, but I didn't hear a thing! I knew she was being nice and complimenting my progress, but I witnessed in real time my subconscious edit what I was hearing. Shortly after our appointment I had this big WTF moment.
Thank you for this beautiful video! I was avoidant attached for most of my life - but last year I made the choice to let love into my life and move through that fear of loving someone even though I could get hurt. It was an intense emotional journey, but my practices like yoga, dancing, breath work and numerology helped me to move through this time. And now I am already for 6 months travelling the world with my Soulmate! I am very grateful that I made the shift.
I’m definitely interested in learning from you. I want to learn how to let go and fall into someone loving on me especially romantically instead of running away or going in hermit mode and being in fear of hermit mode
*EDIT* So, when I made this post it was on a whim. I was thinking of someone specific, who probably had significant abuse in his history, likely more disorganized. The reality is, our kids adapt to US. Your child will likely adopt the "relationship to intimacy" that you have. "We adapt to the care that is available to us." Circle of Security says the compassionate (and accurate, according to science) way to view our insecure attachment styles is that we're actually, unconsciously, trying to protect our children (and those we love) from the pain we once felt - it's how we adapted to protect ourselves, and to survive, emotionally/physically. Meaning, the avoidant "self reliant" child learned to hide vulnerable emotions and to "perform" because it's what "worked" for the parent - it kept the relationship feeling (their version of) "safe", although insecure - not "seeing the whole child" (good and not so good, strong and vulnerable). So, according to science, if you're avoidant (and not disorganized ie. suffered overt, prolonged, abuse/neglect in childhood), then your child will likely become like you. Avoidant to whatever degree you are. However, there is likely another parent who will also have some kind of influence, too, based on various factors. It's why we say things like "wow, I sounded just like my parent there!" Because attachment is a survival mechanism, a way we essentially pass on aspects of our personality (brain and body) to our kids. It's the relational part of being adaptive, survival based, animals. If you want to have kids, do it! But REMEMBER - Terry Real says, "there is no room for harshness in relationships", and Circle of Security says "don't be mean, weak, or gone, if you 'fall off the circle', just get back on". Kids with insecure, but organized, attachment styles are "functional". Kids with insecure, disorganized, attachment styles are "less functional" and will need a lot of help. Children are born secure and whole, in tact. We are simply their guard rails. If we follow their lead (easier said than done), they can become our teachers. But a) having a child to feel loved is the worst possible reason to have a child and b) you'll need a supportive partner, otherwise it will be even harder. So interesting to think about wtf happens to avoidants when they become parents - because by nature, children would deeply challenge their avoidance. I personally believe it's a very confusing experience for them. I almost feel like they can maintain their avoidant strategies with their spouse, but may adopt some disorganized patterns with their kids, who are "forcing" intimacy on them unconsciously. I'm sure that science wouldn't back up my theory, but I have seen avoidant people come across as very confused parents.
My ex didn't have a very good relationship with his 4/my step kids. Cooked nice meals for them when they stayed over once a month but that was it. Never took them anywhere, I tried to arrange stuff he'd just prevent it all somehow, I do loads with MY kids and they saw this n got upset with him, but he's never altered. I actually think that he LIKES them living miles away from him!
I would guess avoidants have a tough time parenting, depending on their age and situation. I am avoidant and have only one child, and do feel overwhelmed at times by the amount of love and attention she needs 😳 thankfully, I have worked through much of my traumas so I am able to be there for her, yet, I can see that there is a disconnect in some ways if I am not careful to be aware of it. However, I will say it is a different “protective” kind of love in parenting, in which I hope and pray I would never abandon. In romantic relationships, I would almost always run away due to lack of intimacy or even over-intimacy, and was like a different person in that regard.
Every avoidant wanted to impregnate me😳 They all wanna be dads. BUT in my case it was more like, "oh I got her barefoot and pregnant, knowing she is dependent on me and I can come and go, AND have a family." I didn't get pregnant 😅 thank God
I have a disorganized attachment style, being anxious and avoidant depending on the situation and found this information extremely useful and eye-opening, thank you.
I like this idea of "earned secure" and your analogy to finding sobriety. I had never thought of it this way but it makes so much sense. Ugh, It's so hard when you want intimacy yet fear it at the same time.
I rely on myself so much, I have been going to therapy with myself for a year, and honestly, I’m a really good listener. I imagine, in my mind like a crazy person, that I am sitting in a therapist office talking to a listening therapist and open up about my feelings, experiences and all the hurt. The therapist asks all the questions I have been avoiding and pour my heart out. I recently become open to the idea of going to see an actual therapist in an actual office and actually talking to someone. But I’ll keep avoiding help until I’m ready. Lol
EFT therapy is the study of how to create a safe enough space for avoidant and anxious to understand each other on a deeper level. Sue Johnson has a book called Hold Me Tight which, at it's core, is about the avoidant and anxious worldview and how to pursue security together.
I totally agree - this cuts deep. Even when my own daughter comes over to stay for a few days I feel completely off kilter and uncomfortable in my own skin and my own house (I keep that to myself, of course, and wear the hospitality mask). My personal take on “Level 3”: There’s something wrong with me, but I don’t know what it is, and I’m scared to death that not only someone will find out about that something, but also find out what it is BEFORE I DO.
....and use it against me as a weapon or a tool of manipulation, or just step all over me for it. Yep, true life, the hard way. Thanks for spelling that out so well.
Not necessarily….I understand my dad better then anyone else….he’s an avoidant or dismissive type that never shows affection towards anyone at least affection like what everyone else thinks of it as…however, I am just like him so I know his form of affection and how hard it is for him to express that to others…he doesn’t understand people and is socially awkward…more then likely he is high functioning autistic/extremely intelligent…which tends to leave a person lacking in social skills and awareness…simply because they don’t understand how to read others….im the same way and it’s very frustrating. I haven’t a clue if I’m being hit on by a guy or if they’re just being nice …I’ve even been called a cold hearted b!tch which really hurt but I had no clue how to explain this to the guy who told me that..and on other occasions where I tried to explain this, I’m called a liar. It’s gotten worse as I get older but idk how to learn it….so I avoid it all
This is really eye opening! I've never heard it put in such a way before. It's true that it's so much more of an internal and unconscious process than I first assumed. I am starting to realise how much I have relied upon subtle self delusion and dissonance. I thought I was just finding an alternative path by relying upon myself and my work. Yet the same problem stirs back up again and again when a chance to connect with someone arrives, then I find myself avoiding them and retreating back to my routine and the connect is weakened. It's a cycle I've found myself in and it's safe but I don't give myself room to have those deeper emotions or experiences it's all just surface level and unchanging.
@Esme Very well articulated, and congratulations for having arrived at that level of awareness to be able to describe it so well for the rest of us who experience the same dynamic. Beautiful. Thank you for that.
What about fearing intimacy because parents would intrusively project their emotions onto the avoidant and so they associate being emotionally vulnerable and intimate with emotional dysregulation, emotional invasion and overwhelm? Any time I have a friend ask for more intimacy or to make myself more available, I automatically recoil and withdraw because it feels like I'm being forced to let go of my autonomy to be available for others, which means that I might not have enough energy left for myself. Then it leads to a loss of sense of self that I can only get back when in solitude. I also have a history of people either not being aware of how their emotional dumping is falling on me because I learned not to make boundaries because I would be punished or made to feel guilty for having them. I was always made to sound like there's something wrong with ME for needing more peace than other people in solitude.
Very relatable. I'm pretty sure I'm DA but I'm not aware of/remember neglect or rejection at an early age. My family is pretty enmeshed and I was always told I was being antisocial or not good if I drew back. Plus my dad was constantly dysregulated and tantruming. I know that my DA habits were a conscious decision to be nothing like him.
A loss of sense of self that you can only get back in solitude? Why do you lose a sense of self when in company? Have the confidence to be yourself and not give a shit. Anyone who judges you negatively for being yourself is not worth your company anyway. Don’t mask who you are in company and it actually gives you energy
@@LiverpoolFCClassicVideo I don't think you realize the complexity of this. Someone might know exactly what you've said logically but actually putting that into practice takes a tremendous amount of time and conditioning.
That makes so much sense. I'm anxious, and I hate being this way and working on healing it because I push people away unknowingly. This helps me better understand how my avoidant partner feels sense they are not good at expressing this without being an asshole about it. Lol
Just got out of a relationship with an avoidant. This is so clarifying. Wish I knew this earlier. Also it still hurts to think they have to decide on their own they want to heal. It makes sense, also it brings up the pain of not being able to reach someone. That’s my work, though, I guess.
I appreciate this compassionate and nuanced explanation of avoidant attachment style. I feel like avoidant folks have been demonized at times and videos like this help bridge understanding.
Yes, and if you relate to any of it at all, then when you hear people talk (or write) about avoidant attachment with what sounds like disgust and contempt it ironically makes it feel like you need to be super careful letting anyone get close enough to you to realise that you're a bit like that.
Wow!!! I recently discovered attachment theory and that I am avoidant. When you described "layer one" it described me to a T "if they sleep over my morning routine (and sleep) is going to be screwed" I always have routine and am always planning, long and short term. Never had an idea why until now. Everything else hit hard too lol
One can manage alone but its miserable and lonely and humans didnt evolve to be alone. Im 70, male, and quite self-sufficient. Been a high-functioning adventurer all my life - I thought I needed to, to explore myself. I longed all my life for intimacy, while brazening it out telling myself I didnt need it. “How are you”, “Im fine, how are you ..” so many times when I wasnt fine but nobody saw. The one thing you have to do in life is love your kids - however you feel. If you dont you create a lifetime of lonely misery. So at 70 I do what I can to put positive stuff into life, to make life better for all, while planning adventures for myself. The endorphins that come with adventures compensate. But when they are gone life is boring and purposeless. Now I put those feelings back in their box and carry on going through the motions. Love to all, and to me.
Yep, that's me lol, Unfortunately for me I'm very self-aware and think too much for my own good so I knew all these things. I just didn't realize it constituted my attachment style. For me, it's the result of years of bullying and rejection in my friendships and not from my caregivers.
Same here. I'm almost positive that my anxious attachment style came from constant rejection and bullying from both guys and girls growing up. No one ever talks about that for whatever reason. Probably more difficult to conduct research on?
I think the insight you shared about getting together with people who have done the work as opposed to being with people who never had the issue, is worth gold 🥇
I am anxious attachment and my best friend is avoidant. We both have been on a journey together learning how to heal from our trauma as well as learning how to be better friends to one another. She’s listening to Anxiously Attached audio book right now and told me she is glad she is so she can understand me better. I’ve been looking up these videos to try and understand her style as well. Thing is we have an amazing friendship. I’d say we’re a good example as to how if two people are committed to healing the styles can work out well together. That being said i really can’t wait to heal from my anxious style cause the downs are hell xx
I somewhat feel you on the last part.. how awful are the downs. I'm starting my journey on healing as an anxious attacher and I'm kind terrified, especially cuz I'm hurting from a recent break up with my avoidant boyfriend.. we're temporarily distanced so we can be friends and maybe take a second chance sometime in the future. So it's very encouraging to know about people like you! I'm so glad that you guys are so committed to healing together, what a beautiful way to grow.. actually if u don't mind I'd appreciate some tips on how you two have managed and what you've tried. Wish u heal sooner than u think! Hope it gets easier for me and him as well.
@@danamesseguer8917 Hey sorry i didn’t see this sooner I don’t check messages here much. Since I’d posted this I’ve gotten alot better about my attachment struggles. I have flares now and then but I don’t spiral. The best advice I can give is communication. Being honest with your feelings with the other. But the key is learning that we cannot control the other person or their reactions to what you say. I got lucky with my friend. And I hope that you and your boyfriend can be that too! One thing I’ve found has helped me is IFS therapy. I highly suggest looking it up because it is FASCINATING and i helped heal a part of myself which i realized had been causing the spirals. Im sorry the answer is not very detailed, feel free to ask any other questions, but hope that helps.
I can really relate to your story of suffering in silence. I'm the type of person who must be on their deathbed to admit to feeling slightly sick. I definitely have an avoidant attachment style, when my very needy emotional mother starts dumping her emotional pain on me, I just shut down and distance myself. I listen but I also learned not to empathise. Listening to others emotions really takes it out of me energetically. I notice I stay surface level with everyone. I guess my early upbringing plus getting bullied just gave me a double dose of internalized shame.
I consider myself being a disorganized-avoindant and INFP and I've never heard this explanation before for avoidant attachment (and I've seen a lot!). I can relate so much and makes so much sense. All the daily routines and stuff... gosh I do that
Thank you so much for breaking it down. It reminds me of another video about lack of follow through in which you say everything is a trade off. Indeed I may fantasize a lot about an healthy romantic relationship but it will more likely disrupt habits that keeps me regulated and emotionnally safe. This is so insightful. Thanks so much for your self disclosure. It couldn't have been easy to develop with decades of being avoidant. You have my respect and my gratitude. ❤
After break up my DA ex told me she needs to be in healthy relationship. But at the same time she was pulling away to self regulate and self sabotaging relationship instead of working things out by co regulation
My DA is so extraordinary and worthy of love. His little gestures melt my heart and I don’t want to change him a bit. I just hope he actually learns to trust me when I say that he is more than enough for me and that I’m delighted to just be around him.
I hate when people ask me how I'm doing. It makes me uncomfortable because it's not like I can answer honestly anyway. It's just "I'm good" or "I'm fine" and quickly change the conversation so that they will talk about themselves and not ask about me.
Same, unless I'm actually ok. I also hate when they ask about my family life. These are strangers/coworkers so it's not thier business although some of them just want to form connections. I wish i could just lie and say everything was perfect and lovey dovey. I just stick to surface level details because I don't feel like being judged for growing up in an emotionally dysfunctional family and the results in my life from it.
Same, Same, all across the board. Do they even actually want to know? , or is it just one of those rhetorical questions that's only asked to fill the silence? How do you know?, And what IS the "proper" response in either case? Sorry all you "normal" people, not trying to be rude, but my Cracker Jack box didn't come with the secret decoder ring. :/
Thanks for this eye opening video Heidi. I think feeling as opposed to wanting to understand is the best way to know one's truths. Because with understanding comes putting others needs and their frustrations and negative feelings first and that's what my mother had conditioned me to unconsciously as she might have been an avoidant/anxious type herself. While expressing my feelings became repressed and a way of thriving in a dysfunctional family environment.
I think we were all born pure with a desire to give ourselves entirely to someone. Hurt comes and we detach into avoidance. What a huge area you teach that so many of us go taken captive and have difficulty so develop unhealthy types of avoidance.
Hello Heidi, I also had various types of chronic pain for most of my adult life. It took me 20 years to figure out why (upbringing). I realized that it originates in my mind after reading Dr. Sarno's work, and I am discovering more about the reasons day by day. The pure physical pattern is usually my psoas muscles shortening due to stress and pulling my back, hips and thighs out of alignment causing imbalance, pain, unability to straighten up, and collateral effects up to the neck and down the legs. Imagine a sheet of paper folded in half, then flattened out, it will never be completely flat again. The psychological pattern is a lot more difficult to pinpoint as it is mostly unconcious and has lots of elements, but fear and shame is definitely a major part. There is definitely a feedback loop, the physical symptoms make shame worse, I feel weak and incapable. Thank you for your videos, your channel has helped me a lot to understand myself better.
I think because I’m highly introspective, I’m consciously aware of all 3 layers, apart from the shame aspect of it. That’s something I really need to explore, thank you for mentioning that. 💗
Girl! Wow you are brilliant at understanding and teaching Thank you! I am so impressed, I mean Im 65 you are so smart and this ties in with so many things Ive learned getting this age with self awareness!
These videos on avoidant attachment and fearful-avoidant attachment make me feel a lot less alone. I was avoidant most of my life until a really traumatic thing happened a few years ago and now I'm fearful-avoidant. All my life, I was made to believe I was broken beyond saving. Your videos make me feel like there's hope. Thank you. Also, side note: I also suffer with chronic pain and can relate heavily to your story. Thank you for telling it.
I really want to thank you for putting my feelings into words in these videos, something I couldn't do myself in my entire life, even tho I sensed something was wrong. These really helped me find myself.
This is the first time I've heard someone say the words about how you dealt with pain. I've gone through years of this. I'm 50 and it all started in my teens. I really needed to hear this in this way. Wow. Thank you!
Ohhh thank's for this! I've had already guessed that my fear of intimacy (coming from the fear that it will make me be seen as vulnerable and easy to manipultated + being denied help when I found the strenght to ask for it + being told that how I felt about what was happening to me was wrong) was causing in me that feeling of deep shame for how I feel (even though I learned to talk about it outloud, even if only to myself)... But I had always wondered why I had such specific routines and why I loved to have everything planned out and how I felt annoyed when I had to renounce to some of my routines even to insert some friends-gahterings in my life. Such an helpful video. Thanks.
This is so accurate. I also have chronic pain as well and I do the same thing! I am avoidant but one thing that makes me not really appear avoidant and more chaotic is when people start crossing boundaries. That is the only time I really get emotional when people deliberately cross my boundaries and disrupt me.
I feel a lot of guilt as a fearful avoidant for not knowing enough of this when I dated my dismissive avoidant. I knew this all consciously, but the frustration and absence of intamacy just finally got to me and I confronted her about “the lack of intimacy”.. I still hurt over it almost 5 years later. I literally felt the instance you were talking about where someone going sober versus never picking up substances. I felt we share that experience and I understood her on an energetic level. But she discarded me through a text on Father’s Day. “I love you and all, but I’m just trying to move on.” We’re her last words.😕
Oh Heidi, this is such a beautiful video, thanks so much for making it. What I'm noticing in particular is strong shame that you reference here, anytime I share myself vulnerably, which I've been really pushing in the last couple of years. This has lessened both through being a bit more selective who I am sharing myself with and through plain practice and "surviving" many times of having been vulnerable now. One thing I want to point out - in Somatic Experiencing, there is a three-fold distinction between auto-regulation, self-regulation and co-regulation. What you're terming "self-regulation" in this video, is mostly called "auto-regulation" in somatic experiencing. I find that distinction very important because "self-regulation" is the conscious ability to meet yourself in your emotional state and to bring yourself into equilibrium again. I believe that this most closely relates to the idea in solo polyamory of becoming "one's own attachment figure". I'm making this point also important for myself since I'm working a lot on becoming more emotionally self-reliant as an avoidant person. And having gone through a life that was mostly auto-regulated, to having a lot of co-regulation in recent years and now finding excitement in the practice of self-regulation, where I'm not setting up my life with the routines you mentioned, yet still being my own go to person to soothe and come back to presence is something I'm wanting to keep top of mind. One aspect of this is that I kept on co-regulating for a while because I told myself "as an avoidant, this is what you need to learn!" and coming into self-regulation now has been really liberating to acknowledge and accept that wish also, while staying open to co-regulating with others, although not as attachment figures. My personal model from the "polysecure" book that I've fallen in love with is to have others as safe havens although not necessarily as attachment figures and that possibility of distinction blew my mind. I acknowledge I'm using the comment section here to organize my own thoughts and do want to say how grateful I am for your video to be a catalyst for all of this, thanks so much! Much love to you!
Hi Leo, could I please ask a question? I am dating an avoidant and he recently opened up and shared some feelings he’s had towards me and that he doesn’t get jealous of me. He admitted that was a big step for him in this relationship he felt jealous. Since then, he has really held back and stopped being emotional towards me. I did respond by saying “ oh it’s only taken you this long (In a jk way) and that I understand everyone has different emotional openness levels” trying to be lighthearted. But do you think this would have made him feel bad for opening up to me? 😢
I reilized that I moved from being just avoidant to being fearful avoidant. This channel is the first source of information about what those even are. I have no idea if I moved (unconsciously) in the right direction or not. I now want intimacy and relationships , but afraid of it. Honestly, it was better when I was just avoidant and was able to self regulate
Recently just discovered attachment styles due to the better help ads and what not on RU-vid. Found I was dismissive avoidant, last year I found my personality type is INFJ-A so combining the two and how all is unfolding in my life its all hitting like a ton of bricks. Trying to figure out what it is and what to do about it but when therapy is super expensive and your family around you do not have the tools to understand nor help you in any way then you're feeling stuck. I ordered 4 books & looking into videos because that's all I can do for now. These things happend to me so early in life but didn't hit or cut so deep until adulthood. (Like losing my father to cancer at 6, grieving didn't hit heavy until I was about 26, and worsened last year) and that's just 1 of the MANY things that I can speak of that attribute to me being the way I am 😔 So essentially I've been carrying weight for 24 years not even entirely knowing why or the reason (and I'm only 30.) 😮💨 It's all so exhausting.
Update: I am almost done with 2 out of the 4 books and added 3 more to read. (Had to take a break as our business has been extremely busy but it's slowing down soon for me to go back to reading more) I realize after reading that I do not fully relate to the dismissive avoidant attachment style in its entirety but rather I got that result in the quiz because my childhood caused me to rely more heavily on self. I do not however have many of the other characteristics that may come with such but I do have a better understanding of whats going on & it also helped to understand my husband a little better too. So to conclude, still researching & reading. Having an understanding of it gave more clarity for me and the weight doesn't feel as big. Putting in active steps to work towards something is definitely helping. The more I read, the better equipped I feel taking it on. 💙🩵
Every single thing you mentioned hit the nail on the head for me... The routine, the disgust over intimacy ... This is mind blowing Thank you Off to watch your other videos on how to work though it now❤
Hi Heidi. Can you weigh in a little bit on how some avoidant attachment styles are able to truly believe that they have deep connected relationships with lots of friends and extended family, even though these relationships are basically surface level with no opportunities for any conflict? These relationships are so far from any kind of intimate romantic relationship. It seems like the avoidant tries so hard to convince themselves, and everyone else, that they are able to connect on a deep level. However, when it comes to a true romantic intimacy, the avoidant seems to close off and be unable to connect.
hmmm I always know when I don't have *deep* connections, and why it isn't that way, often it's because I don't trust the other person. I tend to match other people's level of intimacy. So if they want to be close, I'm close, if they want to be distant, I'm distant. If they disappear, I let them go. I see the 'matching' as a form of intimacy. I guess it's different for different people. Some people want to be chased, and maybe that's intimacy for them, that they can see that you are upset by their absence or withdrawal. I mean, I dunno. Also there's a saying, it takes two to tango, so whatever the nature of the relationship, it is created by both. If it is surface, both are consenting to the surface nature of it. Otherwise there would be no relationship.
i watched a great youtube video that explained this specific topic in detail. in short (as you suggest), the key here is that DAs do not feel any risk when dealing with friends (not close ones!) or people from work, because they don't get emotionally exposed when interacting with them. Moreover, DAs feel that they won't be dismissed if they perform well at work, that's why many of them seem to be addicted to work. they feel more comfortable at work than being at home with her/his spouse. that is it... 😔
Holy smokes the routines… it’s like you described me exactly. And the intense fear and anxiety that happens when something or someone tries to disrupt them! Wow 😳I never put that together. Yikes
I’m definitely interested in learning from you. I want to learn how to let go and fall into someone loving on me especially romantically instead of running away or going in hermit mode and being in fear of hermit mode
I'm 19 and just started figuring this stuff out over the past year. My dad was/is emotionally distant, and ever since before I could remember, I was scared to show any negative emotion. Now I'm trying to become more comfortable with myself, but it's so hard when I just jump straight to logic to stop myself from feeling things. I'm emotionally aware, like I can talk about how I feel (in theory), but when I try my throat catches. If I try to speak about whats going on inside, I start to feel nauseous and like I'm gonna cry. Then I feel guilty/disgusted and it's pretty messy. I feel so alone too, but I physically can't open up??
I understand what you're going through, wanting to share but being unable is a lonely experience. Honestly thought you're doing better than most people, I'm 27 and I'm just realizing and accepting that having emotional needs/vulnerabilities isn't a weakness. The best way to tear down the "walls" we put up around ourselves is going out and making new friends, and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. If we allow ourselves to be open emotionally, it will increase the odds of being hurt, but it will also greatly increase the odds that we can find someone that will help us understand what our emotional needs even are. And a great way to start sharing once you find someone you're comfortable with is to open a dialogue of escalating reciprocal personal self disclosure. Start off by telling them something "small" about yourself ending the statement in a way that prompts them to share any similar experiences or feelings.
These videos are mind bombing me. I’ve always felt “people need to get a grip” but I’ve been diving into this and especially this video has brought SO MUCH more clarity. Especially the self shame and self disgust about when I feel negative emotion. Where can I connect with others that relate???
I feel so much resonance with your description of how I process emotions. Thanks for putting into words the things I have recognized about myself in the past but was unable to make sense of.
Some of us adopt avoidant strategies on purpose, based on our experiences as adults. Some of us are conscious of our feelings that there's something wrong with us - because through introspection and trying to see ourselves fairly we have identified things that are indeed wrong with us and undesirable for most other people to spend time and attention on. The disgust response to our own vulnerabilities is also something that we can cultivate and magnify as adults. This is much safer than following the trendy jargon about being "vulnerable": people chatter about that because it's trendy and sounds enlightened, and people want to feel like they're good listeners. Thing is, most people are bad listeners, most people are disgusted at someone else's... vulnerabilities? That's a very inadequate word: it has no fixed meaning except maybe "you being open in a way that I feel comfortable with." Sooner or later, when one person tries to be "vulnerable" with another, it will be too much for the other person to handle, and the other person will explain it away saying something like: that's not really vulnerability, that's over-sharing or emotional dumping. Or they'll suddenly talk about how there are appropriate levels of vulnerability depending on the person and the situation. You don't say?!
So many limiting believes " it will be too much for the other person to handle". Than don't talk about intimate things with friends, talk to a trauma therapist. They are experts in this field. If you dont want a therapist, become your own. Tips & Tools for Releasing Stored Trauma in Your Body 🌻Somatic Experiencing: Developed by Dr. Peter Levine. It can release trauma locked in the body. A combination of stress physiology, psychology, neuroscience & indigenous healing practices. (Videos on youtube: ru-vid.com?search_query=Dr.+Peter+Levine%2C+Somatic+Experiencing) 🍀How to release anger from the body - somatic healing tool: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-vUFP_Tf3wEU.html 🍀Somatic Exercises for ANGER: Release Anger in Under 5 Minutes: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-bPu87cLEHac.html 🌻Mindfulness and Movements: Going for a walk, bike ride, Boxing, Martial arts, yoga (or trauma-informed yoga), or dancing. People who get into martial arts or boxing are often those who were traumatized in the past. They’re carrying a lot of anger and fighting is a great release for them. Exercise helps your body burn off adrenaline, release endorphins, calm your nervous system, and relieve stress. Release Trapped Emotions: 🍀How to release trapped emotions in your body: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-GZw8fRPK-8k.html 🍀Irene Lyon: nervous system and trauma healing: www.youtube.com/@IreneLyon 🌻 Havening Technique is a somatosensory self-comforting therapy to change the brain to de-traumatize the memory and remove its negative effects from our psyche and body. It has a calming effect on the Amygdala and the Limbic system. 🍀Exercise: Havening Technique for Rapid Stress & Anxiety Relief : ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-HgULPOgLQZU.html 🍀Exercise: Self-Havening with nature ambience to let go of painful feelings: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-g0ueEksGHb8.html 🍀Video: Using Havening Techniques to rapidly erase a traumatic memory : ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-AdqTb71eRCs.html (Certified Practitioner guides them through a healing session) 🌻Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy technique often used to treat anxiety and PTSD. It incorporates rhythmic eye movements while recalling traumatic experiences. This combo changes how the memory is stored in the brain and allow you to process the trauma fully. 🌻Sound & Vibrational Healing: Sound healing has become all the rage in the health and wellness world. It involves using the power of vibration - from tuning forks, singing bowls, or gongs - to relax the mind and body. 🌻Breathwork is an intentional method of breathing that helps your body relax by bypassing your conscious mind. Trauma can overstimulate the body’s sympathetic nervous system (aka your body’s ‘fight-or-flight’ response). Breathwork settles it down. 🍀Source: How Trauma Is Stored in the Body (+ How to Release It): coreflexwellness.com/blogposts/how-trauma-is-stored-in-the-body-how-to-release-it/ 🍀20 self-care practices for complex trauma survivors: libertycounsellingluxembourg.com/20-self-care-practices-for-complex-trauma-survivors-2/ 🍀Playlist: Trauma Healing, Somatic Therapy, Self Havening, Nervous system regulation: ru-vid.com/group/PLvgklcA9DqG4K1g4wNh_ff6iiAf8oOUfO 📖The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture: www.goodreads.com/book/show/58537332-the-myth-of-normal Negative believes and negative affirmations are deep in the subconscious. Use affirmations right when you fall asleep and when you wake up - in these states the subconscious mind is open for REPROGRAMMING. Subconscious believes run on autopilot. So repetition is key for replacing these old believes: 🧠Crash Course: Understanding Brain Waves: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-T7v9InRW9wk.html 🌌Manifestation Meditation: remove all of YOUR Limiting Belief Blockages: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-vbsQUqPcIgA.html 🧠Theta Brain Waves & Changing Limiting Believes: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-FZ4uCcnVLEw.html 🌌You Have Self Limiting Beliefs - ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-mCG8BA38tjY.html 🧠Reprogram Your Subconscious Mind | Dr. Joe Dispenza: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-T7s0hi5NBpY.html 🌌LISTEN BEFORE BED | Crush Depression, Anxiety, Worry | Affirmations for Mental Health: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-a0KCcRjvz7g.html Online you find tons of affirmations for self care, self respect, learning to see others in a neutral or positive way (not threatening anymore), and self love.
Gonna keep this video saved as a constant reminder of what I’m doing since I’m unconsciously doing this to myself a lot. It wasn’t until recently that I realized my “crybaby” phase between the age of 3-7 was just me being naturally an emotional being. But I grew up Asian, a culture that sees any emotional act as weak and a bad look on the community and family. So yes, I even catch myself shaming others when they showed emotion later on in life. Even me sharing this to some of my Asian families, I was accused of blaming my parents for my mental issues instead of holding myself accountable. After being an unemotional rock for the past couple years of adulthood, I cried for the first time when I watched childhood films of myself because I see a totally different person, someone unrecognizable.
I 100% was conscious of a deep feeling that someone would reject me for a decade+ if i was vulnerable. Didnt help at all though. Its amazing now that ive had some huge breakthroughs how much more your words resonate with me deeply.
Thanks for making this Heidi! My style has been avoidant, and I'm trying to heal and grow to healthier. Including doing inner child work. This video was really enlightening and I'm glad that I came across it 💕
Beautiful, you are committed to make a transformation in your attachment style. I have been for a long time avoidant in my attachment style, it took a lot of work, but now I am in a relationship and I feel very secure with my partner ❤
@@Simplyv888 oh that's wonderful Vanessa! You know, I really feel like I have made progress and grown. I'm not perfectly secure yet, but I'm not actively avoiding putting up walls around love either
This was ultra-enlightening. In my case, I think it boils down to pretty much every time I tried to reach out and form connections something happened to stymie those efforts. Plus, my current living situation makes it prohibitively difficult to find peers to spend time with, and I'm seeing increasingly that it's sabotaging my healing efforts.
Heidi, thank you so much for giving such a detailed and thorough review of these attachments and styles. I know there will be some of us self reflective types who have been working on bettering ourselves for years, and knowing what we do but not always quite why it's happening. You're insight and explanations really help to validate the feelings, and encourage that bit of self acceptance and compassion required to show up and advocate for ourselves.
I am a recovering fearful avoidant. Luckily when you do the integrative work you are able to show up authentic and vulnerable regress of how others respond. Reparenting has been so miraculous for me.
That test I took said I was fearful avoidant... I definitely will confirm with the professional, but after watching your videos on all of these different things I'm pretty sure that's what I've got going on. But it's interesting to see these other types and I'll find myself in those types at times. The crazy part is like recently the anxious side of me seems to be coming out a lot but your videos have helped me so much. I'm in the beginning of a new relationship and it's going extremely well and I owe that to these videos. Thank you for that
Hi Heidi, I’ve just done some work on myself to get to a place where I even felt comfortable looking for a partner knowing that I had “trust issues” and stumbled on your videos. No one has been able to articulate exactly how I feel and put a name to it. Thank you for making these videos available to everyone ❤
I think it's less about relying on them per se and more about being able to benefit from their support when it's there. I.e., yes, you can manage on your own, but what if you had the skills to manage on your own PLUS extra support from others. Then you could be even better off. But it requires trust to allow yourself to take the support and lean on someone even briefly for a rest.
This explains a lot about my exhusband. Being with him for 23 years was debilitatingly lonely. Have you heard of intimacy anorexia, a term coined by Doug Weiss?
@@safarafahadi Kinda funny for me to read ur comment, bc I had the exact opposite situation as you. the ISTJ I was with was way more clingy than I was, with much more anxious tendencies while he viewed me as avoidant. -A fellow ENFP
It isn't just rejection or disgust from parents. Many boys and men learn early on that girlfriends and wives lose all respect for them when they display vulnerability or lean on their wives/girlfriends for emotional support. It will often be used against them as justification for cruelty, slander, cheating, or abandonment.
This feels true but you're assuming all women think the same, which is obviously not true. Maybe, it could be that you attract these type of garbage humans?
Cluster B women will use your vulnerabilities against you, no matter if they are your partner, sister, mother, boss or "friend". Most women will not do this to you. You need to find less toxic circles. Good people are out there, most people are good. The cluster Bs are a minority, thought a loud one.
@@Mariathinking It isn’t just cluster B. Most women feel disgust and a loss of respect when their man cries in front of them, for example. It is often a trigger for the woman leaving him.
