Are all HARSH people narcissists? 

Harsh isn’t necessarily malicious. It can be off putting but I’d rather be around that (if it’s honest and helpful) than manipulating and charming.

Personally I like direct communication. I definitely think it saves time. I don't sugar coat, but I don't intentionally say things to hurt people.

Not all harsh people are necessarily narcissists. Harshness can stem from various factors, including stress or communication styles, not solely linked to narcissistic traits. It's important to approach each situation with empathy, recognizing that labeling someone as a narcissist requires a deeper understanding of consistent behaviors and motivations that extend beyond mere harshness.

Im a retired Air Force female. I joined in the 70’s when there weren’t many females. I loved the people I worked with. I was never spoke to the way people talk to me outside the military. Unfortunately, I learned the most harsh, in your business, pushy, bullies are in the church.

People who are simply harsh often DO care about your progress and success, and will push you to be an even better version of yourself. Narcissists, on the other hand, are harsh to be cruel; because they are insecure/jealous and want to forever keep you small.

There is a difference between being direct and being tactless and aggressive. Same with tough love versus being outright cold and malicious. It comes down to intent. Narcissists have no intention of helping anyone if it doesn't benefit them. I remember you talking about the difference between being a jerk and a narcissist many episodes ago.

In my experience, harsh people often think they are doing the right thing (albeit in a misguided way) by being harsh. Narcissists are more likely to initially avoid criticizing you until you piss them off enough for the 'nice person' mask to drop. One thing about narcissists though- They can dish criticism but they absolutely CANNOT take it!

They have two personas. One for people to see where they appear kind and easy going. One for you that's cruel,manipulative controlling...but harshness is not part of this

Lol, communication without lubrication, I love that 😁. I've experienced many harsh people, they seemed narcissistic initially but on reflection maybe not. I hate dealing with them though. My mom is harsh, so is my ex. I really get upset though when I sometimes get like that myself.

my experiences with my narcisisstic parent is the reason I value honest and direct communication and transparency. I think it's a response to all the manipulation och gaslighting. I want straight answers without any ”fluff”. But I believe that you can communicate clearly and still show consideration to someone’s feelings.

My mother was clearly narcissistic as thankfully I have learned from you which has detoxified some of my concerns about her, but she was also harsh and she knew she was being harsh and she knew that she shared this harshness not to be helpful, but rather to be hurtful, it was really interesting. One time I called her on it, and her reaction was to melt into a puddle. She just couldn’t deal with being called out for her own lie

I prefer the direct communication example you gave. It’s honest. I consider harsh communication to be more on the lines of intentionally being hurtful in tone or language. If I am not qualified, I am not qualified. Here’s an example of what I consider harsh. I applied for a barn manager job and went to an in person interview. Within 10 minutes of the interview, the woman conducting the interview said that with all my knowledge, skills and abilities with horses, she couldn’t trust me to do things her way. Wow. I finished the interview but it was over for me at that time… obviously. Nowadays, I would have thanked her for her time, and promptly left.

My experience has been it's situation driven. "No time to be warm & fuzzy" hit home. When a quick decision is critical, the sometimes "harsh" facts are necessary.

I think it comes down to their intentions and their responsiveness to you expressing how you prefer to be treated. I crumble when people are harsh.. if they smile watching me crumble and use an excuse “it’s for your own good” I’m out. If they think they’re helping me by hurting me, they’re wrong and it makes me question their motives. Someone who has a pattern of repeatedly giving harsh unsolicited advice is a good example of when i start to feel ick.

Harshness is a sign of individuality but not exactly Narcissism. Harshness is truth telling and conviction. Narcissists spin lies, which is contrary. Thanks as always Dr!

This word, harsh, is one that people may understand and apply in different ways in different contexts. I have been labelled as harsh by narcissistic people who just did not want to hear even a subtle indication that something or someone they had already judged is something or someone they may want to give a second look.

I think there is also a difference between directness and harshness. I am a scientist and when we debate ideas, plans, results etc you are expected to look for flaws and challenge the results/data/ideas. Better a colleague than a paper or grant reviewer. In a good working environment, the respect for the individual is clear, no matter the challenge. But, when I was on my kids' school board, I was shocked that people could find me intimidating. I had forgotten the importance of phrasing things more indirectly in such a setting. I felt pretty silly when someone commented that our discussions were "surprisingly intense" and realized Whoops, different situation, different rules. It can be tricky for me at times because it feels so inefficient, but then I have to remember efficiency is only one of the goals.

Some people are just grumpy or have short fuses. One of the grumpiest people I knew was neither narcisisstic nor selfish, and underneath the gruff exterior was a very sensitive person who did many good kind things for people. But he was truly an exception. Some people never knew until after he dropped out of life and moved to Mexico because he never advertised his kind deeds and wasn't concerned about who knew. He was wise enough to avoid those professions where a gentle approach was needed and didn't hesitate to tell people the truth when they asked. Some people didn't like what he had to say, but in retrospect, many people said he had a positive impact on their lives. Most harsh people on the other hand are either distracted with worries or, impatient or unable to handle frustration, Some are simply on overload . Only some are truly selfish or sadistic, but those kinds of people seem to make up half the troubles in the world.

I'm with you Dr. Ramani; harsh people shut me down and I prefer not to deal with them but I do not think harsh people are narcissistic (unless the other characteristics manifest).

I’ve become harsher, over the course of my lifetime. But, I think it’s simply because I’ve learned that some people, particularly the more narcissistic type, can’t hear or don’t like the word no. They may need to be told, “Hey! I’m not gonna mince words with you. Told you no and it’s dead! Move on!” I’d rather not be this person, but I’ve had to sometimes, particularly as I seem to appear softer than I actually am. One thing I’ve also learned is that I may be considered as harsh, within the context of how I’m seen. That, as a woman and maybe more as a black woman, I am not “permitted” to be harsh. That a person may comment and say I’m harsh when what they might mean is, “You’re harsh - for the place you occupy in this world.” I utterly ignore this, because I wasn’t checking with them, for what I need to tolerate or embrace, simply because of how I look. But, I have definitely tolerated some harshness. Times where, whether the person was narcissistic or not, they well intended for whatever they did to be hurtful and consequential, above the pale. I recoil, vowing to never let them “in” again. If I’m an HSP, it wouldn’t surprise me, because I definitely was, as a child. Spent most of my youth hurt, by classmates. Wasn’t until I got into adulthood, when I realized how much BS and how many facades were running the world, until I got my footing and started pushing back, at least when appropriate and when I could pick my battles.

I think the word ''harsh/hard people'' is often used as a way to sugarcoat narcissism. In my toxic, abusive workplace toxic and abusive people were often deemed ''just harsh people''. And it was used as an cop-out for their abusiveness. ''Maybe you should toughen up a bit, they're just a bit harsher than most people''.

There's also a difference between legitimate criticism and insults. Narcs tend to insult and make stuff up because they're emotionally dysregulated and have trouble understanding others' perspectives and have poor insight. And of course the intent element.

Blunt people might be seen as harsh but lots of us are ADHD/ASD. We get to the point instead of worrying about social niceties.

Many of the harsh people I've worked with shrink when someone is harsh back to them. The ones that don't become c suite material and make everyone miserable. The only normal appropriate harsh people I've known are vets, doctor, coach types. I always found that style of harshness makes sense and is usually and mostly welcome.

I agree, Dr. Ramani, I don't enjoy being around harsh individuals. I believe that compassion and empathy goes a long way in delivering information to anyone. I don't find a valuable reason for the usage of "harshness!"

"Communication w/out lubrication" HAHAHAHAHA!!! That's hilarious and true. I've been quite guilty of that. Being on the receiving end of a never ending string of Narcs had my nervous system keyed up and I was very harsh a lot. Takes a while to calm the nervous system after 'shock trauma'.

It's not the one's who are overtly difficult that are the problem, you can quickly confront, or distance yourself from them, it's the people you think have your back that are the problem, which people generally find when they are pulling the knife out of their back. This will be a double whammy as well because your instinct will be to ask for their help repairing your life, only to be told it's your problem to fix, but they were more than happy to wreck it for you.

When I think of someone harsh who I don’t think really is a narcissist, I think of someone like Gordon Ramsay.

I'm autistic and people have told me I'm harsh. I don't even know I am nor do I understand how I am.

I don't think you can really know unless you know them on a personal or intimate level...it's hard to tell unless you start to see the cycles and many traits

Dr Ramani, you are explaining an INFJ, and there are a lot of us around. We are the ones who need the most love and support. That's it!

To me, there is a difference between assertive, aggressive and just down right rude behavior. Some people think that assertiveness is rude. Some people think that not using politically correct terms is rude. My brother has criticized my assertiveness as being rude. I have no problem asking questions. I don't accuse.....but I don't mind asking questions. He says when you are asking questions, you are accusing, in a round about way. Personally, it feels like he is ducking the questions in a manipulation attempt. So I listened to his criticism. It doesn't bother me, however the ducking of a direct question that is definitely my business does. So who is being harsh in that situation?

No! There are many harsh people that aren’t narcissists!

As a person who has seen a LOT of what the Other Side of Life is, there are times when talking to Very Naive people it is unfortunately necessary to have to point out the Realities, for their own sakes really. They find these realities difficult to accept and often see me as being harsh. Fortunately I am not in this position often as I dislike intensely having to disabuse them of their vulnerable idealisms. I too was naive once and have never let myself become cynical or hard as I would never want anyone to suffer what I have

Learning to deal with narcissists is one of the harsh lessons life teaches.

Autistic people are often perceived as harsh, because in many cases, even having normal to high empathy, they 1. don't know how to deal with feelings and emotions, 2. don't have the skill to sugarcoat things, and/or 3. have no idea that what they are saying might be perceied as harsh (to them it might just be a logical conclusion or an observation, and they may be genuinely surprised at other people being offended by them pointing it out). Being autistic myself, I have learned to soften my speach only on the 4th decade of my life...

Context, Context, Context. That's what reveals the intention. 🎼TD, Boston

I believe intentionality behind harsness is also something to take account of. Is the person having a genuine disregard of the other persons feelings by the way they communicate. Or has there been some sort of pretext like somebody asking for unfiltered feedback or perhaps even them having autistic personality traits / directness in their culture. Continuing once you realize your message didn't go over well and not correcting / apologising for the behaviour is where I see it going into narcissistic territory.

Actually someone whos a narcissist usually wouldn't show his harshness. Narcissist come out kind and happy but they cant hide it for very long. Easiest way to find out just get the person drunk and if he doesnt like you by the way he or she talks. Narcissistic 100% They cant hide it while they are drunk

Ill be honest, I can tend to be harsh and I have always seen it as being honest and efficient. My way of trying to counter balance is people knowing my sense of humour. My take on harsh people is they make life simple. Harsh but non-narc people have likely been conditioned by hard life experiences, and may also have many positive qualities like honesty and empathy. The words may hurt but they can definitely mean well.

also children of narcissistic parents (including mine ) can grow up to be harsh people but not necessarily narcissists because they are so bottled up with anger and invalidation.

thr r some logical ways to rly find out if the harsh person in ur life is a narcissist or not : 1.) their intention for being harsh with you 2.) is their harsh behaviour consistent or not with respect to everyone else or is it highly selective 3.) being extremely honest with yourself to decipher if it's constructive or destructive criticism 4.) how do they react to criticism & harshness themselves 5.) if they are hypocritical then thr is a good chance that they are narcissistic 6.) what does your gut instinct tell you about this person

Some narcissists are harsh, but some kind people can be too. I guess it depends on the use of the word. And maybe the personality of the one receiving the so-called "harshness." I can think of strong competent leaders leading through an exceedingly difficult time who are harsh, for a good reason. That is, they lead for survival of the team. If one member of the team is a "fainting flower" so to speak, sure, they may lament the person is too harsh. Like most situations, it depends on factors like the personality tendencies of both parties, and what's happening in the environment, or context. I will also add, I live in the southern United States. Our culture here is more laid back and slow (we think lol). We often find people from the northern United States as more "harsh." This is not based in anything more than our cultural differences in how we are taught to communicate.😂

No. Sometimes people need to hear things for their own good that are uncomfortable because you care about the outcome. Maybe you observe someone who is diabetic who is self destructing on alcohol. They are in decline but they don’t see it. Sometimes you have to call it out.

Brilliant. I love these clarification videos. There are way too many people incorrectly using the term Narcissist and causing a lot of damage.

I'm autistic, and am direct, and that's seen as "harsh". I have a very high level of empathy (empath/HSP), so I deliver the message with as much tact and empathy as possible, and still called "harsh". I think people these days are too overly sensitive/too easily offended, and read things into what I say that aren't there. Just because I don't kiss a$$, doesn't mean I'm harsh.😅

Q: If you have a child who speaks harshly but isn't selfish or controlling but is loving, could he have justifiably have had a strong fight response?

The example given of the job opportunity - I would rather someone tell me I didn't get the job because I wasn't qualified instead of the other response. I feel like the other response is akin to lying and, perhaps, used to cover of shady happenings. If they were direct and told me I was not qualified, I could ask "What qualifications am I missing? What qualifications do I need? Can you offer any suggestions as to how I can go about obtaining those qualifications?" Saying something not asked for or unhelpful such as "You look stupid in that outfit. What? I am only speaking the truth." No. You're being a jackass and making your own opinion a fact instead of taking ownership of your perspective. I don't look stupid in the outfit. You think I look stupid in the outfit. So, to rephrase you would say "I think you look stupid in that outfit." Cool. See? Opinion not "truth" or a fact. 😑

I'm sorta a harsh person but I still care. I just want to see people around me do well so my default is to be kinda harsh ish about it. I am a male and I think males are in general more harsh.

People who are harsh and not a narc are very hurt and don't have support! Some people grow up with NO mentors or any guidance. If harsh people are allowed to express themselves, why can't sensitive people??? Seems ONE sided to me!

Harshness is mostly a cover up for being disrespectful and cruelness on purpose.

There are things called communication,respect ,& love? If I were interviewing someone for any position, I'd give them the decency of honesty of why they didn't qualify or if it was a friendship, why I'm walking away from them. In fact, unless they had pretty (harsh) psychological issues that I didn't need in my life , I personally would never walk away from any individual I shared such incredible I experience with. Actually even if they had harsh mental illness going on , I'm pretty sure I would be real with them in as gentle a way as possible. It's just my nature.

I hate harsh people and narcissists. 😢

I think not all harsh people are narcissistic. But I am extremely weary of people that hide behind the facade of "being honest" or "telling it like it is" or "being blunt". I've noticed a lot of narcissistic people pride themselves on being "honest" or direct. I feel like at the end of the day the most important thing is intent. In some situations being honest and telling it like it is, might not be helpful or productive and even may be detrimental to other people. Sometimes someone who is "telling it like it is" may actually be tearing someone down to prop themselves up. I think once it starts getting to that level then it becomes more narcissistic.

From a person who means well, it's called "TOUGH LOVE" and narcissists need their reset button punched, to bring them back to factory settings.

The narcissists I know would say their "selfishness" is justified bc of their past trauma. Is "selfishness" a true mental disorder for which I should make exceptions and accommodations? 👍❤❤❤

although I do not like it, I learned to accept and expect some harshness in professional and academic settings. Disrespect though? No way, never accepting it but it hurts when it's a personal relationship tainted by harshness

What gets me is these harsh people think it's fine to talk to you however they want but when the tables turned they don't like it.

I'd like to second the idea that perceived harshness can be about cultiral context. I have a dear friend who comes across to some as harsh. She was raised in a culture different from ours, one that values direct communication to a point that folks who were raised exclusively in American culture might find what her culture feels is efficient communication to be blunt or rude. My friend struggles with this. She is a warm, sincere person and a steadfast friend. She doesn't understand how to use indirect communication effectively. She is aware of the differences, but can't always navigate them successfully.

Harsh words can be separated by the speaker's intentions. Intentions sometimes can be spotted at the time words spoken. Aura of speaker listener relation can be observed by bystander who happen nearby.

What if a psychiatrist man is being harsh or unavailable -all of sudden - to you ? Is this a mind game ? While at the first time he appeared to be a sweet talker offering collaboration and days later a different person, cold, frigid , emotional unavailable…. But for my own feelings I really decided to keep him at a distance once and for all. We all carry our own traumas or beliefs but on my case I didn’t challenge him, on the contrary he did . Now clearly , I have to say that he saw through me . He saw my own vulnerability. But any way time is also a great healer…

It’s almost like its own step in the ever loving swinging pendulum of learning discipline, moderation, civilized behavior. ‘Sit down’ sounds harsh but ‘let’s not give anyone in the establishment have reason to spit in out food’ sounds bat guano crazy. I’m my own work in progress tho. Thanks for yet another facet to chew through!

Great video! ❤ Some of the best feedback I've ever received in order to develop as a professional and as a person came from people who could be perceived as "harsh." My coach, my pastor, my spouse, and even my own Narcissistic father. They all confronted things in me that I needed to change and they told me the unadulterated truth of reality. I am deeply grateful for that. I hate to admit it, but even my Narcissistic father was right sometimes. If God can make a donkey talk, he can spew some wisdom out of the mouths of those fools.

I am kind of sensitive around harsh people. I may not always like their way of communicating, but often times I see their intentions. Such as high quality standards, that the world is not always a kind place, you can’t be lazy, they care about you and know you can or must be a better person, certain issues are not taken seriously enough by most people, and sometimes they see reality as it is, even if many people don’t like to see or hear about it from them.

I really think it depends on what you mean by harshness. There sre so many nuances. Just look at the average politician. They are the most wishiwashi people out there. And probably a lot of them are narcissistic. I met lots of narcissistic people (unfortunately, yes, I had lots of unhealed childhood trauma) to whom I had ambivalent relationships and where I didn't know what up or down was. Was the relationship stable? Was I going to be ghosted? Did they really mean what they said? That triggered me and they enjoyed the sense of power it gave them. But I have also met narcissistic people who used harshness to rile people up and get their narcissistic supply by destabilising other people. I saw their eyes light up when they could scold another person for a mistake because it made them feel superior and gave them a sense of power. So in that sense, harshness here is coupled with a deeply corrupt motivation of inflating one's own ego. And that is toxic. I have learned to stay far away from these people. And if they try, I'll stand my ground which usually scares them away. But I have met people who were direct and honest. They didn't just feel entitled to say whatever they wanted, they didn't think that I was weak when I had a hard time hearing their words, they didn't formulate their direct feedback in a demeaning way, they just felt that it's respectful to be direct and honest. They didn't see the reason why it would be beneficial to filter the truth to make it not hurt (which essentially fogs the truth) and they felt like they shouldn't be wasting my time by beating around the drum and and walking on eggshells. When I was younger, I had a really hard time with directness (I wouldn't call it harshness in that context), because I grew up in a narcissistic environment and criticism was always used to demean me. So it was really easy for me to mistake directness with (narcissistic) harshness, which left me with a sense of being attacked even though I wasn't. It was just a flashback. The solution wasn't to just get rid of these people and call every person a narcissistic whenever I was hurt. The solution was to deal with my flashbacks and to look at what had been triggered inside of me. As I started healing, I noticed a larger tolerance for directness. I noticed that I was able to hear a hard truth and carry the hurt without feeling attacked. Hey, hearing that I have taken a wrong turn is sometimes harsh, but is it better if a friend, coach, therapist or whoever just let's me continue walking on that path without any warnings? That is not a true friend! I learned that some of those direct people with whom I had so many difficulties before were actually some of the most humble, honest and compassionate people I have ever met. They were not only direct to me, they were also direct to themselves. They called themselves out if they made a mistake or betrayed their own morals, not in a punishing way, but in a "let's make it better next time!"-way. Those people were actually a good source for healing because I experienced stability and I always knew where up and down was. My childhood lacked a basic sense of where I was and those people gave me orientation. On the other hand, I have seen narcissistic people jumping all over the place. On one day, they could be charming and sweet, the next day, they would be critical and harsh, the next, they would be indifferent and give you the silent treatment because they had gotten enough narcissistic supply elsewhere and I was unimportant. It was chaotic. And when I think back, I have never heard a narcissistic person pack a deep truth in direct words, they would always say what they needed to say in order to get their supply. Big difference... And that I would call harshness, because it was indirect and dishonest. So to wrap it up, I wouldn't really distinguish between what I would call directness and harshness. If it is harshness and it is all about that narcissistic supply, run for the nearest exit! But if it is just directness and it is just a hard truth which is hard for me to bear, it is up to me to regulate myself and to learn how to deal with the shadow parts of life because they will come. Life is not always sunshine and it is good to have a direct friend when the sun is gone. What good is it for me if I start hiding from that? What good is it for me if I say to myself that I need people to walk on eggshells around me in order to not hurt my feelings? My emotions and how I deal with the truth is my responsibility and I can't ask other people to take care of my emotions and or even to be afraid of hurting me. I would consider that to be toxic from my side. I want people with good intentions around me who can freely express themselves, so that I can profit from their good intentions, especially when life is hard. And if I demean that as harshness, then I will loose out in life. I think it is really important to distinguish between rudeness/harshness or being triggered. Not everything is harsh or rude. Sometimes, it really is our trauma acting up and it is a shame to miss out on good people who don't shy away from the truth that us people with good intentions basically seek.

Can we tal about how it's disguised as "tough love", when it really is just cruelty. Why does love gotta be tiugh, riugh and mean? Last time I checked, love is kind and gentle. Ir at least just kind.

What if the harsh person is your spouse of 40 plus years, and you’re struck down again and left to fend for yourself emotionally, even if the harsh one is a stellar provider.

Thank you very much for this information! I needed to hear this!! Sending you God’s blessings 🙏

Hearing harsh words and the brutal truth may hurt but the directness in communication can provide more clarity and help prevent misunderstandings and help maintain accountability.

some narcs use harshness in a performative way, to make themselves seem strong or whatever, or to distract from/hide fear, shame, etc

No, i m harsh. I m not by a long shot narcissistic. I just see the truth others shy away from. And i m not afraid to speak it out.

Sometimes harsh people are exactly what is needed, but maybe don't ask a harsh person "Why?"

There's a tendency to use very particular terms for illnesses and disorders to our convenience or even insults. Personally I get irked when somebody uses the word "alcoholic" as derogatory because it's a disease. With narcissism the same thing is happening. But bear in mind narcissists tend to downplay their toxic traits, like calling their hurtful words "honesty", or their cruelty as "high standards". So it's very important to keep vocabulary true and unbiased. Not everyone you dislike is "narcissistic" or "toxic".

No. Harsh is sometimes the only way to make people understand. There are times you have to be harsh to get the point across. To put it another way, the dog does not discover that the family cat doesn't exist to be chased until she claws him up. Meaning as long as she keeps running from him or avoiding him, he'll keep trying to harass her, but once he's been clawed a couple of times, he learns to accept her boundaries - or else. Humans are not different. We just think we are.

Some harsh people are just Rural Germans, not narcs. I know from experience through family😅 They're just blunt but not thin-skinned.

Obviously this topic has got me thinking. I understand that in jobs like if your boss has had to do a review and was harsh about it. Or even a soldier in the military you'd expect to be shouted at because it's just the nature of the job. Certain situations don't bother me now. A random person in a store could be harsh if I've misjudged the queue and they think I need to wait my turn but it's something different when it's my parents. Growing up I've understood that they've needed to be an authority figure and have had to dole out punishments but in my head I can rationalise that out that I was rude to them or I'd done something I knew I shouldn't have done. That's all fine but as far as I was aware my family were decent enough people who loved me and when I moved out of home this was the start of our downfall properly. I was in my late twenties making decisions, doing things and my parents particularly my Mom were out of control. I was chased around my living room by my Mom with floss crying out to let her stick it into my teeth. She was ringing up to complain to me about my boyfriend, that he needs to be whipped into shape and suggested little manipulation tactics to get him to fall in line. She would strongly criticise my shape and my appearance to any food on my plate at family gatherings. She told me at the dentist she wanted to see some photos I'd taken and the worst things that I could possibly think about myself in a photo she would not only think them too but have to tell me that I should have worn a different top, something that covered my arms because they looked chunky looking and then compared me to my cousin in another picture at how much nicer she looked. By the time she had finished I just wanted to cry but I remained a poker face until I got home away from her. The way she talks and acts it's as if she thinks she's done nothing wrong and why should I have a problem. She's criticised my house, myself my husband and other family members just enable it like they can't see she's damaging our relationship. Generally if I've been very hurt and I've found the courage to bring it up they either blame me for things I may have said in other situations or just tell me I'm too sensitive and I think too much. My Mom said to me over a phone call "what you want to do is laugh, and just joke." I've been compared to my sister and how she gets things right and I always end up thinking that it's always me that needs fixing. If I listened to her, truly, I'd have no self confidence. For ten years since I've sat uncomfortably in her home whilst she takes away my pride and self respect. She has to comment on the clothes I wear and I need to cover my bottom. I used to cry because I never thought she could be this cruel. I wouldn't be able to have any boundaries with her she'd break into my home with her emergency keys clean it and put all my things away in "appropriate places." I understand she's a perfectionist but actually to me I see it as an invasion of my privacy. As a result I have become hugely territorial. She has had her kinder moments sometimes where she's told me she loves me but she's done a lot of damage. I love her I know I do, but I can't stand her - after a while she will go back to her condescending ways and judgmental comments. Sometimes I'd have loved to hear her explain herself in therapy or what she thinks she's doing but I have to try and not personalise, rationalise or defend. I remember I tried gray rocking her at a family meal which led her to berate me over the table in front of everyone. My Mom keeps embarrassing me. At one point she had my Aunt and Uncle over and all she could talk about was my weight for hours. My cousin was a lot kinder speaking about it but that was all they could talk about. It's not in my head, I have seen my parents respect my sister more through their actions and don't do anything to upset her whereas they don't mind upsetting me. I have been threatened and emotionally blackmailed, told they won't do certain things for me that I'd need like a lift into work or something like that if I don't comply and the worst thing is, they never used to be like this as a kid. Despite all the things I did wrong as a child I always remember them being quite kind. I've had two moments where I've tried cutting them out for good yet sometimes that song that Pink sings Just Give Me A Little Bit Of Love sums up how I feel

Being honest shouldn't be considered harsh. It can be so beneficial. Like you said the dress doesn't look so good on you. It's usually beneficial.

There is a flip side to this - grandiose narcs may be more likely to be blunt but I'll bet that there's quite a few covert narcs who prevaricate / 'beat about the bush'. If you want an example of this, look up the 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' scene of Larry asking for directions to Jake's Way - the woman takes Larry's map, keeps changing the subject, never answers the question and then gets angry when Larry directly asks for the map back. While harshness can come across as confrontational, experiencing 'bush-beaters' can be draining and time consuming.

Personally I would recoil from individuals who speak/behave harshly I honestly don't feel it necessary in any form of communication and as a result of being a narcissistic survivor, I would prefer to interact with people who are kind & empathic I do, however, realise that all harshly spoken people are not always narcissistic

Maybe try "owning" the ability to be harsh. Use it when necessary A harsh person is often someone who disagrees with u, btw. Don't lump everyone u disagree with as narcissist, it creates a false boogey man. I love these videos, thanks!

Harsh is not a symptom of a narcissist. If a fact is harsh then that is not a narcissistic thing. If something "harsh" is told and it's not a fact, that is more a symptom of a narcissist. I would have one narcissistic ex make a projection of something she literally did to me and I would say "that was you not me" then gave the details of her doing that action... she replied to that with I was making digs at her. I did not bring it up and only had to tell her the thing she was trying to put on me was her action. My daughter from a previous ex had always wish to be free from abduction. From a event where my ex had defamed me in a town in Wales I was in from her position in America using friends we both knew, I got harassed for months all night long and then attacked and got a brain injury. At the prospect of myself having compensation she suddenly stepped up and now my daughter makes up she does not remember and the things she said could been seen as harsh. I start to have enough and detailed these things she had been slowly doing and got a "harsh" I needed therapy from something from 20 years ago. I tried to ask what happened 20 years ago after bring up things that had happened daily for the past 15 years and she just repeated me saying all this was from one thing 20 years ago. That is being harsh in a narcissistic way... completely blind siding over a decade of daily things happening. Then pretended not to remember anything until she put her foot in her mouth. In this one town where I knew my ex was behind all these weird events and harassment again my daughter started making these comments about a guy living in a pizza world. I just thought she was being a funny kid. Now years later when she doesn't remember that time and it was that time she said to change I brought up these people who she knew pretending to get me this job in a pork factory following rehabilitation from the brain injury. I then said how I thought they were doing this to look like a evil person to me ex as she did not believe in eating pork through religion. My daughter replied, who had pretended to not remember anything "I though they were getting you a job in a pizza factory". I then remembered all the pizza jokes and this then completely clarified what was happening then. Although, becuase my daughter is being brainwashed she then disappeared from communication out of fear of her own guilt when it's not her fault she is a child. And now I find out her and her mother are living with the auntie who was one of the main cult leaders of the cult my ex was a part of... and of course, I am a male so anything I say instantly seen as paranoia. I could be a rich male and in the 5% and be heard, but that is not what the privilege of the rest of the 95% of males get. I always find the males that are narcissistic are always very easy to spot and when I have had trouble with male narcissists it's always been a bit easier to cut them out of your life. They don't try to mask it as much and do not do nearly as much social work to attack you. If they do, it's always very clear. Although, this is due to a man saying something is met with the assumption this thing said could cause violence against them or that they would be valuable to that. So, when it's a female that is a narcissist, it's always a much more complicated process to get away. When I first realised things will never change I tried to leave. She then changed, got pregnant, and then always had a way to know where I am through that. I had my current friend tell me to not tell my daughter where I was when I moved and these things stopped happening. After 15 years, I am finally having a break. The problem with my compensation though is my mother signed me up with a company when in a coma. Not of course I did not have to accept them for it, but if I didn't, the costs incurred would be laid on my mother and I would not do that. I was around her even though she's a part of all this becuase she seemed to changed after that... she promised to get my daughter back and the ex agreed also... this was just to get me back when all the excuses started to happen and then the same narcissistic abuse. Any time I would bring up evident events with fact and proof I would be ladled as "being horrible"... which makes me look like I'm being horrible to women. I had to become homeless to escape that situation and then they defamed me in the homeless system and that where this town happened where my daughter was making the pizza jokes. They even used someone that was friend with the guy who raped and beat me through my childhood that I put in prison which clearly wanted his own revenge for that. And still... pointless speaking up about it becuase I just get ignored as "Paranoid" even though I do not speak up until it is painfully clear what is happening and evident. The fun world of narcissists lol Finally though, I should get to a place to afford my own house after being destroyed financial constantly by them, sabotaging every job... now have one they can't sabotage and compensation coming. Then will do all my plans for RU-vid and hopefully my daughter will stop pretending and come back and see why she kept wanting to be with me and not everyone else again. It was only a couple years ago that the Stockholm syndrome started to work... took 7 years mind if that is any testament to how night and day the difference is to my world and my ex's.

Thank you for this important video. It's a good reminder not to pathologize every negative personality trait we come across in our lives. It can be all too easy to call someone a narcissist, when in reality they are simply an unpleasant person. That being said, I am grateful for all the work you do in helping us recognize narcissistic personalities and dealing with them. It's also good to remember that there's a subtle distinction between being straightforward and direct, compared to being harsh and blunt. Directness is more neutral; it isn't necessarily careless with feelings, but isn't particularly careful either. Harshness is being selfishly careless with people's feelings and could even be malicious. Tact is the sweetest of all and delivers the message gently, but truthfully; true tact does not require deceit.

Not always, but they can be triggering.

I don't believe all people who are harsh is Narcissist. I could be wrong. I have not finished listening lol.

So good video 🙏 and exactly what I needed to hear right now 😅👍 I actually started to think that all harsh people were narcissistic 😏 My step dad is the real example of a harsh person and he belittled me some months ago and I called him out on it and wanted an apology but then he made the comment worse and was very stubborn and arrogant and didn’t want to appologize even though I was calm and clear in the phone. He hang up on me twice 🤔 and after that I thought he was a narcissist cause he has been quite arrogant and harsh almost mean sometimes in my childhood since 5 years and I am now in my 40s. But still he isn’t really selfish and has some empathy but doesn’t show it a lot 😅😏 But I am still insecure if he has some narcissistic traits but my mom says he has not and they have been married for 36 years. But maybe she is so used to his harsh comments and she says, thats just who he is 😏 But where does this harshness comes from? Is it harsh parents, genetic or social anxiety that they need to be better than others and put other down and the need to be ultra honest and a besserwisser to upgrade others? And also I guess they are all avoidant personality type, right?

I’ m wondering if narcissistic folks don’t have harshness in them as a byproduct of some of their behavior - i.e., a flip side of love bombing maybe being rageful fits thrown down the road or a sudden discard that seems to come out of nowhere . . . I agree though, harshness is not inherently bad in some folks even though I may get triggered by it . . .

It doesn’t honestly matter because “harsh” and “narcissist” are labels to describe different types of behaviors. What matters is if you’re being hurt by either one or both. Ultimately we have a right to protect ourselves and a right to choose relationships and also when to walk away from relationships. I’m estranged from my own parents and yes I did it to protect myself. I was their scapegoat and slave rather than their son. I don’t care if my parents are narcissistic or harsh.

Some people call me harsh. What Ive noticed is that its usually people who wanted to be friends, but I have not let in to my tiny circle of friends. Not because of them, but because I have trust-issues from childhood abuse and just dont feel comfortable with too many people close to me. If asked, I tell the truth, because Ive been abused by too many people and I dont want to go through that again and its an easier way to ger rid of them fast that way.

I've gotten more harsh as relates to unempathetic people/systems and their actions, after being abused and healing.

Extremely well done video, Dr. Ramini. Thank you for sharing it. I've benefitted already, and because everyone needs to hear this, just posted to social media. Thank you again. I wish you every happiness.

❤❤I have been trained by harsh people and I can do either in interactions! I usually try to feel the person and be the personality they might need from me and then decide if I want to keep being less than for someone! Quick and to the point is so much easier and makes me feel safer! At the same time some people are very sensitive and need softer so I do strive to keep a filter on or do a lot of smiling! 😀😀

This is an interesting topic. I had to learn to be "harsh" when I worked with criminals. Diplomacy didn't work with them and all my "harsh" colleagues let me know that in a very harsh way. They were right. I learned to be blunt and direct in order to be sure there was never any misunderstanding. And that's just the way it was ---even among colleagues and supervisors. We were all direct and blunt with each other.... and ok with it. I had great relationships with them and made lifelong friends. The problems came about when I continued to be that way with friends, family, and others with didn't work in that type of environment. They began getting their feelings hurt, etc. I no longer work in that environment and the interesting thing is that I am slowly learning to become the person I was *prior* to working in that environment. It's been a long process but I have made great strides in learning to, once again, be diplomatic. Thanks, Dr. Ramani, for talking about this ♥

Thanks for the video and your honesty. I too struggle with harshness as I shut down also. I think that a harsh person is consistent but a narcissistic person is manipulative and the inconsistency and mask wearing is harder work.

It seems to me that harshness is a tool. I would rather be warm and kind, but if that doesn't work, or if it's inappropriate for the circumstance, I can be aggressive and direct. To make a sports metaphor - sometimes you need to throw a lob, and sometimes you need to throw a rocket.

Narcissism is like a fungus that gets deep down into the tissues of a personality and robs them of the personality they were born to have. Dot

My daughter is judgemental and can be harsh but she does have some empathy at times. I have met several harsh school teachers.

Communication without lubrication I love that haha

I can definitely be harsh 😅.

I have a toxic realtor I think she a narcissist she has lied to me gaslight me she a control freak she always telling what you need to be doing she pushy nasty if you say no she covers it up but you can tell she angry. I’m try a avoid her at all costs now that I know I’m not sure she’s a narcissist, but she’s definitely toxic so it doesn’t matter. I don’t talk to her unless I have to.

No harsh people are not narcissistic. Narcissists are completely different.