Narcissists use WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE 

Yes, you got to take it back in small bits.

To much, l am discovering this l used to keep people along the way but l just seemed to be breaking my back like l wasn't just understanding it .

Yes, looking like the narc because I'm prioritizing myself after the devaluation. If I look like a narc, so be it.

That happens more than we know. It's so not the same as being a Narcissist, and we have to silently Hold our Truth while we get stronger and find ourselves again.

Therapy boo 😘💕

Well said

Real Talk!👍🏾

My dad did it to me. Never had a real dad. But I'm absurdly competent in doing all things

Biden plays this game

​@@jameskeating4719 No, he IS INCOMPETENT!!!

My older brother would do a crummy job at his chores, like leaving food on dishes he "washed" so my mother ended up asking me to do everything.

I always felt like the older sibling growing up (2 year age difference) in terms of maturity and responsibility

My narc boyfriend didn't do things half-a$$ed, he did everything QUARTER-A$$ED.

Unfortunately, it seems that in some cultures, boys get away with this quite frequently from a young age, whereas their sisters are punished harshly for displaying the same behaviour. It isn't always gendered I know, but I've seen it happen way too many times to discard the fact that there is a cultural problem too. I wonder if them being allowed to get away with it early on without the behaviour being nipped in the bud allows narcissism to breed. You expect a child to push boundaries like that, they're supposed to, but they grow out of it. To see grown adults acting like that is deplorable.

My dad did this, washing dishes before we got a dishwasher. There were bits of dried on food still stuck on the plates later. And he literally bragged about doing a shit job at stuff, so he wouldn't be asked again to his friends in front of the rest of us. I was so pissed off at him but couldn't even say anything because nothing would have improved.

Absolutely! My ex did that all the time, literally took credit for anything I did, or if I taught him how to use a drill then turned around and quoted me back to me, acting like he knew all along and I didnt know what I knew. He never used the right tools for anything. He jammed a broom handle down the washing machine drain pipe, and was the only person I ever saw break hammer claws and pliers! If he even showed up while I was building or fixing anything he supervised with his incompetence, showed off to others who assumned he did the work and he never credited me, the one who actually built it or repaired it! I lost all respect for him pdq as he did not want to bother to learn the very basic home repair jobs or use the right tools, nails or screws! I asked him once to fix a loose toilet seat and he drilled a 2 and a half inch screw point up into a wooden toliet seat where you hit the point with your hiney if you didn't know it was there. Task any iget could learn or figure out, he didn't even try. He was a high ranking military person and for years I questioned how he could command and be so inept, till I figured out delegating tasks, not doing them himself and getting the credit his minions deserved, was his only competence in any arena.

Always have proof that your work is your work

@@robinkholmes7127 YES! THIS!!! 🔥

@@vickimerritt2832 I do a lot of teaching the narc and they take over as if they knew it all along and I am dumb and don’t know anything.

​@@vickimerritt2832 It goes hand in hand with "Never admit to being at fault if you are an officer/commander, it makes you look weak/incompetent" idiocy from the Narcissism 101 handbook.

That's a brilliant example.you were in a job where you HAD to pick up the slack. Sometimes it can be like that, until we can get away from that situation one day

Wow! Considering that you're referring to "being up there" with no way out, this sounds crazily dreadful from a passenger's perspective too!

On a manager’s orders, I spent the best part of a year sorting out a colleagues messes, assignments he ‘couldn’t handle’, and offering supportive training. At the end of the year, said colleague got a productivity award and I was criticised for my poor work ethic and having to do so many reworks. The next year, someone else got to help him… Rinse and repeat…

I’m chuckling away because you are echoing my thoughts. 😂😀🥂

@@clogs4956 Good grief, what a f'ing nightmare!

Very well said

Stating the obvious again

So they can say, "There's no pleasing you! You're never satisfied. You're never happy." Yeah, wonder why... 😠

This make so much sense💯💯💯Now i understand why my sister act like that way🤦🤦🙍Thank you 🙏

​@SharonFromNB life is beautiful not hearing all that anymore!! 🥰

Totally

Most of my moronic relatives do this. They can't work out why I am non contact now. I got sick and tried of it all.

My mother had a heart condition, and she used it as an excuse not to do things she didn't want to do. For instance, when I was 20 and had to go to the dentist to have a couple of wisdom teeth taken out, I was supposed to have someone.with me because I would be getting a general.anasthaetic. My dad was working so.my mother said that she would go with me. On the morning of the surgery she suddenly told me that she didn't feel well and would be staying home. I was annoyed but there was nothing I could do except go to the appointment and make my own way home.

True!

Just remember: Almost anything you do to such a person would be morally justified. Just make sure you give them a chance to be honest with you first. If they choose deceit, then that's that.

This is my situation as well as telling others that he does a lot which is a lie

This is why I never learned to drive. 😞

Oh God, my ex talked to me like that. My mother would say " being condescending to others, about the skill they can learn discourages them from trying and that's not reflective of your own capabilities. Teach a man to fish, don't give it to them alone"

My Nfather loved this method. They don't explain it, they don't show it or show the wrong way, then they hover over you and yell at you because you should have already known how to do it.

Exactly this!!

Goodness, yes! That's how I didn't learn how to cook. But I did learn the chores my mum didn't like to do.

Sorry to hear this. Thanks for sharing.

Absolutely! I was adopted by people like this.

But but but, they know more than everyone about everything. They said so.😋

@@mrsqueakthecat.8061 They are simultaneously the bestest evaah and the total L0sers.

yes, failure to launch and they hold us back.

Narcs love to give orders to others regarding what needs done, but THEY are above menial tasks they prefer to supervise, even on the home front. Lazy as heck, AND truly inept at everything, yet hold high positions at work. My ex used duck tape for diapers and any and all tasks. Many men despise being told or asked to do anything and avoid adulting, for sure on the home front, worse than a 2 year old, they whine, evade and avoid or always run out of time for anything that needs done but have plenty of time for what leisure they enjoy.

I understand the sentiment behind your comment, but while not every adopter is a narc, there's a really high rate of narcissistic women who adopt - so much so, there's a nickname for the phenomenon in the adoptee community - something like Narcissistic Adoptive Mother Syndrome, or NAM for short. So, there's a good chance you'd still have ended up having a similar life, unfortunately. My adoptive dad was a narc, and my adoptive mum wasn't so bad but she's not emotionally healthy herself, and probably never has been. I was probably more mature than either of them by the time I was a young adult. You also never get over being given up by your birth parents/mother - adoptees who seem OK have literally buried the trauma so deep they don't realise it's there, even if the separation happened when they were a baby and they haven't been told.

I wished my real parents would show up and take me away to a better place. But unfortunately my narcissistic mother and fraudulent father were my real parents, and I was stuck with them.

That’s a common sentiment.

One of my competent co-works had a favorite line when we discussed this... "work flows to the competent people until they submerge."

Yes! This. I understand completely.

This is one of the things that sucks about being new at a large company. These predatory people come out of the woodwork 'I couldn't do X because you didn't do Y' - well, there was no training, no explanation, no indication that Y was even a thing. Bonus points when the person who's supposed to do Y task is actually the person who told you it was your job.

I hear ya! I was also married to an abusive narc for 15 years, and the vulnerable narcissist I worked with ended up being our basement suite tenant. The husband is gone now, and I can't wait to move away from this house with the roommate.

I secured our rescue chickens and was trying to buy all the materials to make a chicken coop, I even bought power tools cos my partner didn't have any besides a rusty electric screwdriver, I asked for help to build it and my partner said it would be too complicated, after giving up and cancelling my order for our rescued chickens, my partner complained and said "well I would have helped you build one!" what kind of messed up world do they live in?

@@melyngoch it's always our fault. No matter what! I'm not his excuse anymore! Stay strong and know you are not alone! 🙏🏻💯💪🏼🥰

Ugh, let's say I make a nice home-cooked meal, and I ask for help with the dishes, i get "well I didn't tell you to make that food. I would have been fine eating cereal or something."

Funny you mention the kidney. That's how I felt for 25+ years of marriage to a Narc. Asking for *anything* had such terrible consequences that I learned to do everything myself and not ask anymore. The interesting thing is that the new supply won't see that side of them for a while... My ex-narc currently looks like a housekeeper... 🙄 Won't last. 😂

Ugh. "Nobody asked me to pay bill!" It's a utility bill. The utility company asks you to pay it every month. What do you mean no one asked you?! Hate their total lack of logic and lack of just saying thank you. At least their laziness would be more tolerable if they were at least thankful someone was doing their life for them.

@@angelaa7388 And this is why I now have a rule that whoever eats the food, but didn't do the cooking, has to do the dishes. If you don't want to do the dishes, don't eat my food. Normal people, friends, partners have always understood this rule as reasonable. It's helped out some unsavory people in my life when they balked and said I dirtied them so I should clean them.

⁠@@angelaa7388WaaaaaW 😳 that hit a nerve for me Hecktic I'm sorry that was said to you My Dad said something similar to me I was incensed at the gall and cruelty of the situation, and powerless to do anything about it, as a child under his rule

I used to wonder if mine was a subspecies of human or possibly had a higher percentage of Neanderthal than normal.

I know that feeling

Or the devil

DING DING DING, narcissism=demonic possesion@@patrick8116

They are a different breed. Spawn from the depths of a very bad place.

They are so ridiculous, it's disgusting.

My ex used to say it is because he is "aneurotypical" and his brain works differently so he won't always get things right.

Exactly!

When it comes to a child, okay, but when it’s an adult absolutely not okay.

Two words "zero effort" that's what they do they put in zero effort into anything including remembering instructions.

Indeed Dr Ramani could read our plight from afar..

Sounds like my dad

Some people legitimately cant learn some things which is where the sharing of labor in healthy relationships comes in - narcissists will not even be willing to talk about why they cant do something and will simply deflect, shift blame, gaslight.

Right. I think the healthy way is to ask to be taught or ask for a little guidance about how to learn if you don’t know where to start. The narcs don’t even try.

💯💯💯

When Narcs weaponize incompetence: They criticize others for incompetence. They feign ignorant innocence to pay the buck onto another...and criticize that person for doing the job poorly or complain to get sympathy or rob them of the credit they deserve...or do all of it and gaslight to add confusion. You can't win.

What do you do if someone has tech issues and really faces challenges with certain online tasks (e.g. online applications, travel arrangements, phone issues, etc.?) While some of us have had to use tech at work, others have not. This creates a real challenge for many in our society at work and home. These skills can take a long time to master….and in some cases, it is like math phobia. People just freeze or get frustrated and then lean on others. My motto is “be a learner” but not everyone shares that mindset either. Any insights appreciated.

Right...only without "sorry" part😂

@@Olivera81 this ex wasn't stupid that's the sad part. It really does not take a genius to figure out how to empty out a litter box. The ironic thing is that when we broke up they actually gonna get a cat with his next partner

OMG I heard that almost EVERY time I asked him to do something. It’s a mind **F** because he also spends A LOT of his energy to let me know I can’t do anything right!

@@idontknowyouthatsmypurseSad but true, true. They won't do anything for themselves, yet when you won't do anything for them they get pissed off. It's trying to soothe a 2 year old who's throwing the biggest tantrum ever. No matter how many times and as calmly as you can explain to the person they just don't get it.

Yeah, it may and may not be quite as lazy as it seems. It ight be more troubling than that. I've dealt with some narcissists who can't cope with the paranoid and ever-present thought that someone might be trying to get the better of them (which they developed from their life spent constantly strategizing against others) that they just assumed that everybody else was doing so in every interaction and therefore treated everyone as an adversary ahead of time (and of course confirmation bias would take hold when that person eventually strategized back). It'd be an extremely destabilizing mental life. They'd have a fit if they knew how transparent their personality was. I know someone who basically trained her daughters to be this way. She didn't want to grow old, so she trained her daughters to be the train-wreck that she is so that she could live vicariously through their narcissism. Muffia-types-that's how they are.

My ex never taught me how to drive a stick shift! But we only had one vehicle that was manuel. (His truck when we got married) Everything since we've just bought automatic. Yet he told our oldest that I "couldn't" drive a stick shift. 🤬

I get told that I think he can't do anything right. It gets very, very old.

Was my Mother

Ah yes. Almost forgot about that one!

I have no words. Thank God he's an ex.

I think there's always a way to put things into words. It just takes a lot of attention sometimes. Narcissists seem to make it their job to make explanations of their behaviour take as much time, attention, and energy as possible.

They know they're doing it. Thats the part that gets me.

​@@IamtheEricaBergstromExactly!

People like that we can never get away from.If you cut them off eventually you will run into another one like that later on.But that is bad when narcissists know that they are being sneaky like that

Or they'll say "I was

Or they'll say "I was going to do that" after you've already done whatever it was.

You paint a bleak picture, like someday soon the sadness of the world is going to fill the air.

My father has always been like this and my mom has always done everything for him. "That's how men are" she said. And their partner is like their babysitter🤦🏻‍♀️

A guy I used to hang out with tried to get me to do stuff for him because "he was drunk" and "didn't want to look like a tit" when ordering a takeaway - I, being used to this kind of sh*tty ruse cos of my dad, just told him if he wanted a pizza that badly to get on with it.

Yes, I have experienced this with family and friends. I no longer engage with them and I feel so much better. Wishing you peace. Keep going.

Yes, and then there's the way they can make a big thing of 'offering to help' in front of an audience, but then they never seem to be able to actually be there when the help is most needed. Oh, and they can feel superior in patronising you. Nothing like a good kick when you're down!

Yes, Roxy. I'm female. My female cousin of approximately my age loaned me money for an expensive trip I needed to make. I knew I could pay her back because I was approved for a student loan. I took my trip and returned. My student loan was delayed (by about a week), but did arrive and I immediately repaid my cousin. My female cousin then blamed me, not only for my delay in repaying her, but also for having borrowed the money to begin with. She claimed that she had lived in fear that her husband would discover that money was missing from her bank account and that loaning me the money had jeopardized her marriage. In the following years, she treated me badly, so I got away from her. I'm so glad I got away from her.

@@vintage6346 in that case, it would have been her fault; she wasn't being forced to loan you the money, and there's also the fact she could have potentially discussed it with her husband first - ultimately, everyone knows loaning any amount of money is a risk, even if it's to a family member or best friend!

@@ShintogaDeathAngel Thanks for the support. And, I agree. The fact was that her husband barely worked and she was the breadwinner. But "submission" was a huge part of their belief-system, so that supposedly it didn't matter which one had earned the money. They are now divorced and she has remarried. I still stay clear of her.

I have a friend I suspect is doing the same thing...

Yep 👍 just went no contact with a 'friend' like that. she's diagnosed 'bipolar' BS my goodness these assholes come in all shades

Yes! Same thing here with an ex friend. She always played the, "poor, poor pitiful me - I can't get out of my own way" type deal. Then I realized that she was only telling me half a story (when she would constantly complain about her partner and his kids) - she told the end of the story - not what lead up to it. So I asked her, "Feels like there's more to this story - people don't react to nothing, they react to something - so what happened that made them react like that"? No answer. That said, now she knew that I was onto her - that I wasn't buying into her anymore. Glad that's behind me - she was SO draining/exhausting to be around.

This us so so true once you start to see it it is impossible to not see it ever again

@janlouisemakiling 💯for real👍😱👺

😢😢😢 you can say it again

Many are there to be in a bribeable position, it seems like (and often is) incompetence paid for

My life right now in a nutshell. She even claims the kettle is too complicated to use.... there is one button....

@@victorcode2075hi , do not enable her to get away with it , make drinks just for you and explain to her how it’s so important for her to learn how to do things in case you were ever ill. Make it sound like you were doing her a favour and giving her a chance to learn. just cook for yourself or just buy ready meals or eat before you go home. If you do not get a grip of this now you will have a lifetime of it. Wash and iron your own clothes. It is vitally important. She learns how to do this. You must tell her, and if she refuses leave before you lose your life to her laziness

@@christinebeames712 Thank you Christine ❤ I have spent over a year refusing to play along, but so far have only seen her escalate. I sometimes walk away, sometimes give a vague answer, sometimes give a bit of passive aggressive positivity (You don't need me, you got this!), and occasionally I've just called her a liar (which I now realise only causes her to double down). Our house is a complete disaster, but I continue to do my bare essentials. I have been spending an excessive amount on takeaway food however.... This video was a real help in solidifying what I'm up against. I've really been struggling to put it into words, just instinctively knew it was happening.

I had a roommate like this, and I used to wonder if he was retarded or demented until I recognized by his gaslighting that he is a covert Narc. But now that he is in a nursing home, I really do suspect Dementia. My daughter-in-law's mother apparently has Dementia and she behaves like this, but I'm realizing now that my daughter-in-law is also a Grandiose Narc, so who knows who really has what?

Sounds like he should go into politics- the British public would elect him in a heartbeat (or her)

@@neelubird some of the British public would - I certainly wouldn't!

@@neelubird The POS certainly acts like a Tory MP!

They are so disgusting, I hate them.

Oh, that was weaponized ignorance .. knew someone who was an expert in it

I had essentially the same thing happen when I accused a narcissist of gaslighting. He acted like it had no valid meaning. He was using gaslighting to avoid a discussion of his gaslighting the same way your ex used weaponized incompetence to pretend he wasn't engaging in weaponized incompetence.

Thank you for your service, I witnessed this as a patient in hospital and rehab from spinal infection, the hard workers overfunctioning for the slackers. I've overfunctioned in jobs and volunteer work.

OMG! I am sure if anything ever happened to me my husband would be like a chicken without a head.

🎯

Quite a few of them have been my colleagues or my daughter's. AND the got promoted in spite of (or because of) their incompetence while we got bullied until we quit. But before that, they would guilt trip us into insane workloads. They are a perfect argument in favour of going self-employed.

Yep, mine refused to buy anything, so he claimed he didnt consume, or spend money no matter how much we had and he controlled the source just wheedled until others got it for him. When I stopped buying his undies, as he bitched wwhen I bought for our ever growing kid, he would ask for underwear for Christmas from his daughters! The man was capable of going to the store, controlled all the money, but his moto was why do anything you can get others to do for you.

💯💯💯🏆

Most just play victim and start badmouthing you to everyone. Dealing with a child or such childlike behavior in an adult is so taxing and if you stop making most of life easy for them from a to z they get even by more lying, cheating and silent treatment, exiting or playing the victim to others. Funny enough if called out by others witnessing their weaponized incompetence they say, oh she likes to do it or they laugh and make you out to be a shrew or compare you to their horrid mother, this behavior ruins your kids as they get older as the narc needs allies against your "unreasonable behavior" they have just projected and gas lit their incompetence onto you, this is also when you may notice alienation of your kids. They actually teach their kids the same inepitude and defiance of anything you attempt to dicipline or raise self reliant competent, respectful children. The step to full alienation of your previously competent kids is well on its way. My ex now relies on our four adult daughters to mother him, and meet his needs. They do everything for him as if he is a child. He fakes them out and uses the same bs he did on me till I got wise, but these things needed done and someone had to be the adult on the homefront. It is sickening to watch him utilize them in this way.

I remember my adoptive mum making excuses for my adoptive dad as to why we weren't close (or something like that - it was years ago!), but I realise now that he was probably just quite hands-off with me and his bio son/my brother. Brother and mum were quite close when brother was still living at home as an adult and a-dad seemed to resent that.

Learned helplessness is something else. There are sad videos on YT about experiments on dogs to give them Learned Helplessness.

Lmao. I don’t know how to break a coconut 😂😂😂 Ya, I also won’t do family therapy because I can’t figure out zoom. Barf.

@@aSimpleTailor Thanks! I will look that up.

​@@aSimpleTailor Yes, and people's belief in their own competence and trust in their abilities can be completely destroyed by being raised in an utterly invalidating childhood family environment by incompetent and abusive chaotic narcissistic 'parenting', where the parents are too busy and overwhelmed and do not know the essentials of good parenting. I have known of cases where one parent has good intentions and works hard and ethically to raise the child and the domineering and invalidating parent's contribution is to tear down the good work of the parent who is acting responsibly, that is, they destroy the budding child, because they are that domineering, narcissistic and abusively invalidating. I.e., the parents are in fact at odds in their parenting. The result can be a destroyed child, suicide, etc. This is a serious matter for society. Some people should not become parents, but they do not realize that they lack the abilities needed to raise a child, because, e.g., they are too young and arrogant, and for most people it's is easy to produce a child, being fertile and driven by their sex drive to mate, of course. The psychological challenges of attempting to raise a child, children, in a family system where domestic abuse occurs, are such that it truly would be best to divorce early on, tragic as that is and harrowing as the process may be, if one has the good of one's children at heart. A problem here is the social shaming of divorce and the mere logistics, too. The abused spouse may be in denial and worn down over time. They are in an untenable position. The children are harmed by being raised in FOOs where chaos and patterns of abusive dominance reign Narcissistic abuse is real and pernicious, and hidden in such a family. The damage done psychologically to the children is tragic. The damage done psychologically over time, even decades, to the non narcissistic parent is tragic. This happens all the time and is covered up. It makes me sad to see that domestic violence programs locally are being shut down due to lack of funding and interest, perhaps. Compassion and wisdom are crucial in parenting, and unfortunately our society does not seem to prioritize, value or exemplify that much. This is indicative of Kali yuga. We need enlightened hearts and minds. We need to really know ourselves and our potential co-parent BEFORE we reproduce, and not be dazzled by our own fantasies. In parting, we must realize that the toll of narcissistic abuse is societal, as Dr. Rajmani and others have pointed out in previous videos, and it occurs in all hierarchical strata or castes, if you want to call the structures that, from the wealthy money wise to the impoverished, and from the less formally educated to those with PhD's. So we cannot judge from the exterior impressions. It is much deeper than appearances or words.

Learned helplessness is not the same thing. Learned helplessness is often not the person's choice and is often punitively enforced on vulnerable people for the convenience of those in power. It shouldn't be confused with weaponised incompetence.