I love that you use terms like "we" and "us" maybe it's a typical therapist lingo but I find it extremely comforting especially when you're talking about issues and mental illnesses that effect me. It's less alienating.
I'm in training and...a few weeks ago, I tried this in a session because I was thinking of Kati. However, I freaked myself out so much because, in my case with BPD, bipolar or eating disordered patients I am really really part of the "we/us." Still trying to figure out how to manage self-disclosure and my fears around this. So, just saying...if your therapist hesitates, there may be more behind that than you think hahahahaha
As a mental health blogger, I appreciate you, and others who replied to your comment, sharing this. I've always liked this in Kati's videos, myself. I'll use "we," "us," etc more often on my own blog because it's nice to know there are other people who feel the same way :)
Yes! and it's just more accurate as well. Psychology professors using "they they they" creates this false sense that none of the people in the room are expected to have the difficulty and that if they did then somehow they'd be in the wrong room. Which is just the opposite of the truth if anything!
hey! you can make it work without therapy as well, push through, push through! i have had two sessions and felt like i can make it on my own. stable, with full-time work, a relationship. it is possible, rooting for ya!
I have bpd but for me the fear of abandonment is a little different. I don't really fear it as much as I just expect it. I don't see myself as anything special and so if a person shows interest and we connect I never let myself get to close to them because I know once they see me the full on me they will leave. I split. I leave first. That's how I protect myself. And people don't even notice me stepping out of their life. Which further validates the fact that I meant nothing to them in the first place. I'm guess my fear of abandonment turned into this because I got emotionally burned out. I know how It feels to care and have no one care back. So even if it's not true I just tell myself they don't care anyway. The less close I get the less I get hurt. And really I'm doing them a favor in the end. Cause no one should have to deal with me. I don't even like dealing with me.
yup. that's me now. I've gone through only one relationship that I cared for. but then it ruined me and I got out of it but i gave myself another chance and got into another relationship and i cared. but it seems like the wrong is in me, so i guess the only way to deal with this is to deal with it the same way i always did before my first relationship. expect that it's gonna end anyday and not care anyway.
Mariem Magdy I'm sorry to have to know exactly what you mean. It doesn't help that most people already have a negative view of bpd. There are a lot of people with bpd that are full of a lot of love to give but they won't ever get the chance to share that cause people are inherently afraid of people who have the disorder. That is probably the hardest part for me is the Stigma. I am already so hard on myself. it hurts even more to feel like all I am is a burden or someone's problem. Hence why I keep away from pretty much everyone.😔
Bpd here, I know this all too well. I've become a recluse even though I crave that human contact. After all, they can't leave if I never establish that relationship.
*NOTES* If you feel overwhelmed, use: 1. The "IMPROVE" method I - imagine you're in a happy/soothing place (helps calm your nervous system) M - meaning (find purpose in your life, find a hobby, adopt a pet, volunteer, go back to school) P - prayer (not necessarily religious) use a mantra R - relaxation (hot bath, deep breathing) O - one thing in the moment V - vacation (take a walk around the block) E - encouragement (encourage yourself) 2. Emotional regulation a) What was the prompting event? (factual) b) What was my interpretation of the event? (emotional) c) What body sensation do I have? (sweating, heart racing, etc) d) What body language do I have? (hunched, arms crossed) e) What is my action urge? (scream, leave them first so they couldn't abandon me) f) What action did I take? g) What's the emotion name based on my answers?
I have BPD and learning a lot about it lately because no matter what I do and what happens in my life it keeps coming into my life even though I have everything I have ever wanted. Luckily I have a relationship for 7yrs with a beautiful kid so I am a proof that everything is possible. Yet it's still hard
Thanks guys:-) I stay completely drug free because I had addiction issues at my earlier twenties and I can say it's so helpful. I don't even drink coffee, never a sip of anything with alcohol in it because that way I know that I have BPD issues, I know it's something I struggle with. Also I pay attention to my lady circle, I am more aware of my lability when I have PMS. I used to manage things with marijuana but I don't think anymore it's helpful for BPD people. For normal people it might but not just for us. Definitely there are ups and downs but hey, that's what life's about anyway, isn't it? :-) just keep swimming 🐠:-) and take a good care of yourself. It's going to be okay. I feel positive now so I enjoy every moment of it :-) happy new year to everyone! You are not alone !
I isolate on a massive scale to avoid this. Do nothing except work or college. It's miserable. I'm really trying to get out of this pattern and work through the secondary gain
I'm really bad at dealing with this, because I struggle to decipher between something that I should genuinely respond to and be upset by, or if it's just me over reacting and overthinking
Why is it necessary to give “fear of abandonment” a label of BPD? I think this fear is very common and BPD May be on a continuum or spectrum. I worry about classifying this emotion as a DSM IV or whatever number it is now. My god... fear of abandoment and being manipulated doesn’t have to be labeled. So, while i feel these videos are helpful, they should be taken with a grain of salt.
Emma Smith I do this. I feel like why should I even try. Everyone except for a few people have left and it's always out of my control. So at least if I don't get attached I have control.
MM LipJunkie can I join the club? I also do this but hate being so cold and cut off from people but know once I open up, my heart is gonna get crushed and they end up leaving me or doing something I dont like.
a p a t h e t i c not sure if the club is that great lol but there's plenty of room. Yeah, I get that guilty feeling to so then I'll try, doubt myself, and ultimately go back in my safe shell.
My fear of abandonment isn't like this. My Pops was in the Navy until I was 8 years old. He was gone most of my early childhood. It's not bad, it's more like I sometimes don't feel worthy of people being around me. When I get like that, I tend to isolate myself. I don't want to be a burden on people, so I disappear myself. Thanks to depression that's what I do when I feel like that. I'm working with a therapist to get through grief (my Mom passed in December 2016) and fight my depression so I can feel better about myself. I guess what I'm saying is that abandonment issues aren't just felt by those with BPD. I'm not BPD, just depressed with a bit of anxiety.
I got over my fear of abandonment when everyone really did abandon me and I found out the worst wasn’t that bad. When it comes down to it we can find out how strong one person can be. Your video essays are so helpful thank you. ✌️❤️🕉
Yeah, you’re afraid of being abandoned cuz you’re afraid of being intimate, you are afraid of being intimate cuz you have trust issues, they’re correlated.
Yes, please! I have abandonment issues from trauma and I end up overthinking everything and not knowing if i am over-reacting or not and if it will ever stop.
I don't really blame people for feeling this way though. Rejection and loneliness hurt a lot. It's figuring out why we can't keep people that is helpful.
Thanks for sharing Kati ❤ I recently discovered I have BPD and am especially struggling with fear of abandonment. I started having feelings for my therapist, told her and she responded well. But I started feeling (and we also talked about it) that she was started getting overwelmed by my attchement. Now she's acting different, more distant, less comforting, more boundaries. And it's hurting so fucking bad, It made me suicidal again. It's gotten better since I phoned her yesterday, but it's still very painful.
I've rarely sought out friendship in others because I assume most friendships are temporary so I sort of save them time by not connecting. That, or I feel that I drive them away and would rather avoid that pain.
Hi Kati could you make a video about depression vs lazy ness? I’ve always described myself as very lazy, like in school I would always create shortcuts and not apply any effort in my work. I believe that it’s due to my depression not just being lazy
I find it really hard to trust people due to past childhood trauma, but when I let someone get close to me I seem to spend most of my time trying to be extra helpful or always be there for them because I am terrified that if I am no longer useful or they don't need me anymore they will leave me, Is this kind of the same? Great video as always Kati, Thank you. x
emily 29 OMG I do exactly the same and now I feel fcking shit because I feel used and as if I over extended myself in order for the other person to need me and not abandon me again. FFS idk what to do, I don’t want him to use me but I am not sure if he’s using me or not but it does feel like it.
it is overhumiliating, I get trashed by people while I can'T properly play a A-Major Scale I can'T properly play this other activity.... I'm just a Joke to them, a laughable Joke, with Max 130kilo Squats It is ridiculous and effort leads nowhere I am the total utter Bullshit FAILURE !!!!! Nothing capable off just trashe bullshit trash bullshit and overbullshit overshit!!!!!!!
I've been struggling with the thing for a really long time now and couldn't find anything describing how I feel and how to manage this. Now I at least feel like somebody knows what it's like. Thank you, Kati.
I don't have bpd but recently noticed my fear of abandonment , i say noticed because I have a naturally sensitive slightly more neurotic and volatile personality ( I mean I don't see it as too much of a problem it's just something you work with ya know ) and just regarded it as normal and I wanna say only some came from an event in early life but really that's just how I thought most people we're and it's funny bc I was like oh I have this under control but I'll watch this video bc interest and I'm subscribed so it came up and then 3 mins and 2 examples in I'm like OK TO0 CLOSE STOP IT THERE hahaha . Not pleasant to recognize yourself in those behaviors but very useful . Thank you 💘 I've done my own research so I was kind of aware and I've improved in many aspects but this video was very helpful . Thank you so much .
Nice to be able to see one of these early on after release. Lately I see you have released something but can't watch until later. I should probably view it as I would savoring something that going to be helpful, encouraging and enjoyable. But my reward system is in overdrive 😉
Such good teaching in this, Kati. Breaking down the story of an emotion is especially helpful to hear about. One resource that has made the difference for me this past year has been a set of emotion cards that is now in an app form called ‘The Bears’. I use them with my therapist and it has given me a feelings picture or body posture to then go on and describe the emotion behind it. I have found it easier to explore body memories using these emotion cards. This video is making me think about what the difference is between a feeling and an emotion?? And the difference between abandonment and rejection?? Are they the same thing? Thanks so much for your insightful conversation and challenge around this! Sooo good!!
Hi Kati! 🤗 I'm from Peru! First, happy new year!!! Well, I suffer from BPD and some times I watch your videos and I'm so grateful for your time to do this for us who suffer from mental health problems 🙏 In my country mental health is a taboo so for me is difficult express what happen in my mind to others. I hope this year I'm be better. Successes, Kati! Love ya! 💕🙏👐🤗
Maybe this is why I abandon everyone, because I'm afraid of being abandoned.. so I abandon them first before they even leave. I have really really bad social anxiety and cut off relationships after they have become so intense
I feel like the complete opposite,, I'll stick on the closest person I have like a leech and go to different lengths to make them stay. I talk about my past and trauma so often so I'd make sure that the same person might not make the same mistake with me and possibly hurt me but I get angry over the smallest things and it becomes a huge problem.
The older I've gotten the more of an "introvert" I've become! I've been having a feeling of wanting to be more social and imagining me out there living my best life with lots of friends and having a wonderful mate but in reality that's not me! I don't even have friends, I'm really a recluse, scared to get close to people, scared to love and question if i am really being loved in return, so I sabotage the relationship! I'm really mean when I don't want to be I guess to see if they would stay long enough to put up with me because I'm not really mean! It's a guard I guess! I will also go looking for reasons to prove to myself that they didn't want me in the first place and they were going to leave me anyway! So I am choosing now to not even get involved in any relationship anymore! I don't want to hurt anyone because I don't understand myself or to be hurt anymore! Yes, I've been called crazy, I've been physically and emotionally abused, my mother is textbook narcissist, my dad was absent in my raising! I don't feel a loving connection to either of them! They are both living and apart of my life but it seems forced! I can't relate to people who brag about how much they love their mother and father because I don't feel the same way! Smdh so many issues and I don't k ow where to start to deal with first! But I feel I struggle with abandonment issues and so I'm here.....
I love you so much i always used to think that I was crazy and was having these crazy feelings but you making these videos show me that there are others that have these feelings and that I'm not crazy so thankyou 💖
Thanks Katie - I got the notification for this video while talking to another friend with BPD about some issues we're both having. I think this will help a lot.
Could you do a video on being ghosted? I just got ghosted by my boyfriend of 4 months and, honestly, I didn't see it coming at all and I feel a bit traumatized. Getting some insight would help.
Mary Schultz To “ghost” someone means to drop them out of your life and cut off all contact with no warning. Example: my ex boyfriend “ghosted” me because he didn’t tell me anything, just one day my number was blocked and he blocked me on all social media with no warning.
I have a tendency to make every molehill a mountain and would often call my friends to help out because it was "a huge crisis" and they would get annoyed. I tip I found to be helpful is to take a breath (or if you can, do a smaller task for a bit), then after not thinking about the issue for a minute, actually assess what the issue actually is and what can you do about it. Sometimes it turned out to actually be a mountain, but a lot of times I was able to clear my head from panic enough to get through an issue without asking for constant support. Hope this helps! Thanks for the video Kati!
Yeah, I get that too. I struggle to wrap my head around it because I know that I should be able to let go of something, but it keeps hurting, so I just have to go back into the cycle of it being this big thing to reckon with. On top of that I sometimes say stuff I really regret when trying to advocate for myself. I've gotten better over the years about thinking before I speak, but I straight up insulted someone in front of my entire class the other day. Even though I apologized for it and they accepted the apology I still feel awful about it and am terrified to go back to class because I'm scared of what people think of me now (real or perceived criticism/shunning really hurts and I sometimes self-injure to try and cope with it). God, it's just such a relief to see all these comments from people who get what it's like to feel like this Lots of hugs!
Hey Kati, I've recently performed a research study on the stigma surrounding the name 'borderline personality disorder', and most of the research I conducted into clinician stigma suggested most mental health professionals with a negative image of BPD use terms like "manipulative" and "attention-seeking", and that these terms can create a stressed therapeutic alliance, resulting in lower treatment efficacy, compliance and so on. I was wondering what you thought of Marsha Linehan’s assertion that pejorative terms such as “manipulative” are as accurate a description of BPD sufferers as they would be of burn victims who were withheld pain medication, making any clumsy attempt to relieve that pain (I’m 99% sure it was her, but I’ve read so many articles on BPD lately, and this one didn’t make it into my reference list…). I would argue that manipulation requires intent and personal gain, implying a deliberate, conscious act on the part of the BPD sufferer. I understand that from the outside frequent suicidal ideation, self harm, and other attempts to gain attention and caring from loved ones may look like manipulation, but is that not the same as saying a depressed person who stays in bed all day is ‘lazy’, simply because it appears that way from the outside? I’d love to hear your opinions on Millon’s proposed 4 subtypes of borderline, as I think (given the name isn’t likely to be changed anytime soon) they provide a better insight into the particular behaviour patterns of the individual, so they aren’t all painted with the same brush so to say.
ihr könnt mich mal ich habe WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY LESS FUCKED UP als was ihr mir an scheisse aufgebrummt habt.... von der ich nix weiß..... aber selber draußen bleiben
Agreed. I cringed when i heard the word manipulation. I get what she is trying to say, but I would not use that word at all. People with BPD (including me) aren't manipulating, we are starving for the self that was abandoned in the past and we are searching for answers to keep us loved and secure. The ways that look like are totally different for each person, but I know manipulate (like discriminate) can have negative connotations and it's hard to separate the usage here and the meaning of the word typically.
I’m afraid people will abandon me that I’ve become a pushover and let everyone “bully” me without standing up for myself. My friends also do it and they think I don’t mind and that I think it’s fun but it really ruins my self esteem and makes me uncomfortable but I can’t say anything because they might not like me later. Idk why I’m so sensitive honestly if anyone hears “no one likes you” as a joke they just laugh it off but when someone says that to me even when I know they are just joking and don’t mean it it really affects me to the point I get paralyzed.
What you believe Does matter. If you tell yourself something that you Do not believe, it wont work. Changing the way you think is important, start there.
I have BPD. Recently my therapist told me that she was going to refer me out, and she did. Our relationship wasn't working and I was getting more and more closed off to her (I was with her for a little over a year) because I felt hurt by how she responded (or didn't respond) when I was vulnerable with her and it never got any better even after I told her multiple times how she made me feel and what was hurtful. I thought I would be okay with leaving her because our time together really wasn't helpful and in fact I think it was HURTFUL. But I wasn't ok. I was a mess and was so hurt and distressed and angry with her. I wasn't attached to her like I've been with other people, but it still hurt so bad when she stopped seeing me. Why does this feel like abandonment even though I didn't like her and was being hurt by her? I think maybe I liked the hurt. I even feel like I was using our sessions as a form of self harm in a way... I've been able to work through the feelings of abandonment now, but it was so new for me to experience such hurt after someone who was consistently hurting me left me... Does that make sense?
KiwiHorseProductions wow yeah I can definitely understand what you mean. And yes your hurt is valid. I think it’s good that you and therapist part ways especially when she is not handling your emotions well and also not validating you and basically doing her work well. Please allow yourself to feel hurt and sad. don’t worry I hope you’ll find a good and loving therapist!
I "dated" (Using the term loosely) a woman who didn't have the emotions of borderline personality disorder, but she told me that one time her ex-husband locked himself in the chicken shed to get away from her, and she couldn't leave him alone because she was afraid he would abandon her. She said she was "held by her fear of abandonment". That made me hesitant to get more involved with her. I still don't know what her diagnosis was.
Yup anxious and avoidant, both parties have fear of abandonment but they deal with it differently. The avoidant fears of intimacy and tries to push people away, while the anxious needs constant validation and affection.
I sometimes try to ‘manipulate’ my friends. I don’t do this purposely but it just happens because I’m afraid I’ll be on my own and have nobody, even if I have to wait five minutes by myself because they have another class somewhere else (or the other way around) so I always have to fiddle with something during this time. I don’t think I do this because of significant ‘trauma’ but because my supposedly best friends kept leaving me behind and ended up actually kind of bullying me (I don’t like to say ‘Oh, I’m being bullied’ in case of somebody saying I’m overreacting and also the fact that this is ongoing still and but my tutor and the Head of Safeguarding say otherwise) me for a school term last year and then they started doing it this year too, I always feel liek I have to have somebody and often stress about meeting people at say lunch and then confirm it a hundred times so I don’t feel like they are going to forget about me and leave it just because it was only said once. However, if say in a confrontation or somebody is saying an ‘apology speech’ and I’m not ready for the apology yet because the event has been so big and traumatising for me and I haven’t got my head around it I HAVE to be the one to leave first even if I end up huddled against the wall because I’m lonely and upset but its just because I’m scared that somebody will leave me again.
For some reason I can't log onto the website. I don't know if anyone else is having this problem, but it's been this way for me for a couple of months. Love you Kati ❤
I so often distance myself and cut myself off from people I care about because Im afraid of being abandoned.... if i pretend I dont care and I keep my distance then maybe it wont hurt so much when they leave... because being abandoned is horrible and Im often convinced that its inevitable... no matter what I do, everyone will leave me... and I'll be alone...
Hey Kati. So my therapist always tells me that my emotions and urges are normal and that I'm not crazy. I know she is trying to make me feel better and that it should make me feel better. I know that it makes most people feel better to feel normal. But when she says that what I'm experiencing is normal it just makes me feel invalidated and weak. It's like I want her to tell me I'm going crazy. Help?
Tabby Humphreys although, tbh, it sounds like your therapist isn't that good. I think that normally a therapist would give you exercises to make you feel better, right? Like journaling, or working on a personal development project.
I've always thought that the difference between a unique world view and a mental health issue is whether or not it causes you distress. I totally empathize, having dealt with mental health professionals who refuse to go near diagnosing a problem and the ones who tell you that you have all these things wrong with you that are so dang far off the mark (I once had this random GP [incorrectly] tell me I probably had bipolar and it wrecked me emotionally for a whole month). If what's going on in your mind is causing you a lot of hurt, it's important that your therapist understands that and does everything they can to help you equip yourself with the correct coping skills. Wishing you all the best!
in life people will come and go and that’s not an individual thing it’s just that people come and go, so if they go it’s more about breaking the fear and working on these issues rather than expecting people to stay as that fuels it
I already know that I'm overly attached to my grandmother . She adopted me after my birth mom left me and my siblings on the neighbors porch and left . When I tell you at age 8 I already decided that if something happened to her and she was no longer here that I'd die or either kill myself . No matter what she does , or how hard in me she can be in my mind she can do no wrong . I stress myself constantly staying awake to make sure she's okay . When she and my sister got into an argument a few weeks ago , and I thought my sister was coming at my granny I'm a violent way all I saw was read and I jumped up out of my sleep, ran right up to my sister and tried to smash her head into the door . In that moment all I could think about was making sure she didn't get anywhere near my granny . My granny asked me what I'd do if she did pass away or something and I can't think of functioning beyond her . I worry everyday about that scenario to the point where I get sick . I'm 21 and I still hide behind her . She was my comfort when I was younger . I was super shy and I knew she was a safe place . My therapist tried to get me to detach myself but I don't want to . I know it's borderline obsessive but I love her too much
Great video! There is still so much stigma against BPD, even in the mental health field, so it's great to see someone approach BPD with compassion and good therapeutic techniques instead of perpetuating the myth that BPD is not treatable.
Thanks for this. I have a new years resolution to make more friendly acquaintances. That fear of abandonment generally has me isolating myself, and in high school I'd find I got bored with people and there was no sense in developing a stronger connection because people aren't trustworthy anyway.
I had a friend who was like a sister to me,she had BPD, Bipolar, ODD and RAD etc. She manipulated me constantly and sort of abused me at times, she is still in my life and I still love her but with issues of my own I had to put some healthy boundaries. It is really good for me to see the reasons behind her actions, a lot easier to forgive.
Reminds me of my boyfriend. He's been rejected by a couple of other girls and took it hard. The other day, I didn't text him back until nighttime and he was angry, said he'd felt abandoned. When he asked me "How would you feel if I did that to you?" I responded that I'd just assume he is busy or has his phone off and not be bothered by it. Sounds like abandonment issues to me. What scares me is knowing he sank into depression and unhealthy coping with those otr girls. Maybe he was younger and foolish then, but If he can't handle one day without a response, what will he do if this doesn't work out?
Emma Loura it’s good that you are asking that question NOW. You already know the answer. What you’re noticing is danger ahead. He will probably take all of that out on you. Please consider distancing yourself from him discreetly of course before it’s TOO LATE. A lot of young ladies aren’t here to tell you to LEAVE. You can’t love his issue away no matter how nice you are to him. He doesn’t understand that you truly care for him but at the same time he will take advantage of you and you’ll lose yourself trying to save him. You can’t save him. Only Jesus can save both of you. Take care of yourself PLEASE.
Hi Kati! I just discovered your channel this weekend and I just watched your 13 Reasons Why video last night, and I think an excellent show for you to see and talk about (because there's some hope for honest and helpful depictions of mental health issues in media) is "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" on the CW channel. And it's also on Netflix so it's binge-able. It handles issues of mental health, relationship dynamics (romantic, familial, and platonic), BPD, anxiety, depression, and a (spoiler, sorry) suicide attempt so well! And it's a well-written, funny, diverse, progressive, and heartful show to boot!! I really recommend any mental health professional to check it out. Thanks for doing what you do! Your channel is so informative and honestly very soothing to listen to for me lately.
thank you so much kati!! I have bpd and I've been struggling a lot with this since my boyfriend is moving to another county; i am terrified of everyone in my life leaving me, my family, friends, boyfriend and especially my therapist, sometimes i feel like it consumes my life
Feel that it is important to note that this fear of abandonment can present itself as social isolation as well. Some individuals, instead of even trying to have people around, go the further step and completely avoid society as much as they can out of fear of future real or imagined conflicts, possible chaos, or other results of interacting with the world. More common perhaps with male BPD, possibly quiet. Point being, there are atypical presentations within the diagnosis. As always, great video.
@@LeonidSpartanKing I agree. Considering all of it stems from childhood abuse. They just have it ingrained deeper. If you think about it, bdp people probably adapted to their poor environment. To get their needs met and survive they had to find clever ways to gain those things. They grew up needing those and erasing it is impossible.
Story of my life. DBT has helped w/ other BPD symptoms, but this has been the worst for me. Cost me my marriage and multiple jobs (unfounded fear of getting fired = fear of abandonment = quitting or hospitalization). I'm terrified of new relationships and jobs bc I always ruin things. Thx for this video.
Amazing video as always I have A quistion my parents Are not super suportive They dont understand but recently I have thought that They were to careless at One point I showed them self harm wounds They did not need medical treatment and I Also were asking and asking to Get someone I now have got Help my self but it makes me sad that They brushed it Of. Why do parents do this and how do I Get over it? They Are Nice otherwise Sorry for The long comment
If they are like my parents, they don’t understand how serious it is until it’s too late or they realize what’s going on isn’t normal... I once told my mom I wanted to jump off a building and she told me I had no reason to be depressed and that everything was being handed to me, I could have anything I wanted and then laughed and brushed it off ... then jump to a few years later when one of my friends told my teacher about my self harming the school called my parents and told them I needed a therapist and that’s when they were concerned ... That therapist explained the different types of depression and how just like in my case I could have ‘good’ life and still have depression, we found out it was passed down from the family and that’s when my mom talked to me personally and told me she had major depression and that she was hoping I was just going through a phase.... so someone with more authority might have to talk to them about it... they might not think it’s serious and if you’re a teenager that it’s just teen angst and nothing to worry about, but if someone explained it better they might understand and worry a little bit more... it took my parents 3 years to ask how I’m doing mentally but it happened
I feel you. Its so hard when your closest ones are not understanding:-( I used to take drugs to feel normal to help me function how other people function. I also used to cut myself and my mom didn't understand and was mad at me for that which turned me into hating her as a late teenager. Now when I am a mother myself I know it's so hard to see your kid to struggle. They feel like you have nothing to struggle with. My story was that I ended up in rehab yet they still didn't understand. They thought I was just using drugs and that's it. And once I got out I'll be fine. It's not working that way unfortunately. It's so great that you talk to your parents. It's just they don't understand it's not like they don't love you. They just don't know what to do. As BPD when I move out I got mad at them and think of them in a bad way but that's not right. I got it when I gave birth. They do this because they can't let them to even think about it in a way that it might be true what you are saying and you mean it. That's too petrifying to them. Because they love you. Don't ever stop telling them your feelings. It's so important. Tell your mom you are saying it because you trust her and it's more serious that she thinks and you need her support. Oh I feel you child. It's so hard but it gets better I promise. Hugs and kisses 😘
Natalia Thank You I keep trying and trying but I am In my late teens so I kinda dislike them cause I feel like They dont care but mine was not angry at my cuts They just told me not do it again I am working on our relationship I it cool to hear it from an adult perspektiv! I Know that They probs care
Natalia Update I am Worse I cant go Without hurting my self and now it is unhealthy I have started experiensing eating problems I am finnaly maybe getting Help but I am scared I will take my life
I was afraid of abandonment, but people will always abandon me so i stopped engaging in relationships. Thats easiest way. Or i detach myself emotionally like (i dont care if they leave) their loss. Is it normal?
"The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which." George Orwell.
Wow... this video came at the perfect time. I'm a quadruplet but my sister and I are super close and are possibly twins. Recently, she's gotten a boyfriend and doesn't talk to me anymore and is always gone. I have tried to grieve the loss and even been doing things for myself but its killing me. Future plans for college have came to a halt because I don't know what to do without her. 😭 what else can I do?
Are you still around her at home?? Cause I would take some time to sit down and talk with her.. even if it's early in the morning or late at night. I would also look into talking with a school counselor or therapist asap!! xoxo That will really help too. xoxo
Kati Morton thank you. I will definitely try and talk to her. I knew that this would happen eventually but it came a lot sooner than expected and it caused me to stop everything. I was lost and didn't know what to do next. Thanks for everything. 💜
I have so many problems with emotional regulation and distress tolerance. I am in a constant cycle of losing people because of my volatility and constant terror of being abandoned. in the most recent cycle i finally realized what i was doing was not okay and that the only way to have healthy and successful relationships is to change my behavior, but.... now i feel like i have an even more difficult time forming and maintaining close relationships because not only do i still fear abandonment, but now i'm extra paranoid and afraid of repeating those same toxic behaviors. on top of this, because of my self-awareness in my own toxicity, i am a complete and utter doormat. i've been subjected to emotional abuse because my abuser recognized my terror and used it against me, so that when they abused me and later told me it was my own fault for for being so toxic (even if my behavior WASN'T toxic then), i would believe them. they are no longer in my life, but i feel completely scarred. i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and i don't know what to do anymore. i feel so evil and rotten, like i don't deserve to be loved or even to heal. what should i do?
Daniel Mason here with you on this question. If two shitty DBT exercises are all that were suggested against a damn tsunami of pain, suffering and fear we get... then apparently there’s no hope
I can relate SO hard. I don't have answers to your question but know that you're not alone and you're VERY strong. You will manage to overcome the fear without feeling scared of yourself and your needs. We'll get through this
What about someone having a fear of rejection/abandonment when they're the one's doing the leaving? For example: they're struggling with ending a relationship with someone that they acknowledge they're very unhappy with & don't see a future with. Despite that they're miserable in the relationship, they still won't follow through with a break up (No children, not married or engaged, no legal/financial ties).
any advice for close ones of a person who struggles with this fear? more often than not i feel like i'm making things worse and then there's this shift, like nothing ever happened and i just don't know what to do...
Kati that thumbnail you chose is highly offensive to borderlines. What if the topic was binge eating disorder, would you be pretending to eat a cheeseburger?
Kati, do this to create an accurate transcript/captions. Using the desktop version of RU-vid, look under 3 dots, which is under the video at right. Choose EDIT TRANSCRIPT. If you have activated AUTOcaptions in your settings, the computer's translation shows up. This is already time-stamped, so you shouldn't have to synchronize captioning yourself. EDIT as needed. Check especially for technical language, websites, etc. Take the time to stop and laugh at mistakes. LOL.
Im unmedicated and have stopped going to therapy😬🎯 i know shame on me but im also havent really gone anywhere not even out of my room.. Not really eating.. Im trying really hard not to be around anyone. And trying not to self harm. But its hard😰😰😰
I have a friend who is so bad she’s been to therapy for years but they still haven’t worked it out....her sisters bpd as well just aloods me that she can live this way she’s in her 40s and still living with her mum and just doesn’t cope very well with life and money...her mother enables her too and doesn’t hold her accountable for the way she treats people or even ask her to pay rent.....anyway that’s her....she’s a real problem to herself but I’m questioning her therapy all in all.....
Kati, I have a history of trauma and a fear of abandonment, but I’ve never been diagnosed with BPD. How common is fear of abandonment among people without BPD? I guess I am somewhat afraid of that diagnosis, and that is not meant to offend anyone, but it is true.
I love the way you are trying to help each of us! Honestly I am crying each time you say Abandonment! I feel hopeless! But really your cheerful personality is definitely helping me. Thank you!
But also though it’s not an irrational fear. Lmfao. I’ve been chronically ill since birth and have always been abandoned. Ironically, it’s because people DONT believe that I need help because I present as though im always capable, Bc in many ways I AM, and so I’ve had people literally think I’m FAKING migralepsy or a defective heart valves
I have this bad habit of always trying to help the one's I'm really close too! And I have a hard time trying not to worrying bout people I love! I always do the wrong thing even if I believe its the the right thing and I feel so scared and helpless! I've been this way since I was very young when my momma was working at FedEx and she did the overnight shift and I would worry that something would happen to her, for instance she would fall asleep at the weel of her car on the way home in the mornings and die. I don't know why tho. It would give me so much anxiety if I never got to say goodbye and tell her I love her. I just want to learn to just not to Care so much its ruining my life and other's! It would be nice to be able to speak with u one on one. I'm sorry for rambling I always do that. Sounds like I could use that book u got but I don't have any money and I don't want to ask my husband because I'm afraid either he's not gonna really Care or he's gonna be like why don't u make an appointment. Uhhhhg this is just what I do over think everything and everything I over think is totally wrong.... Again I'm sorry for rambling. Thanks
I struggle with this so bad and your video was very helpful.I will try to follow your advice and tips and get myself in control cause I sometimes get out of control and do completely stupid things to keep a person's attention....Also,I would like to ask for more videos about attachment and transference and obsessions over some people we may get.Thanks a lot,happy New year!😊
I don’t care who loves me, or likes me, I’m afraid of being unable to take care of myself or my children without another. My biggest fear is homelessness not emotional rejection. I guess co dependency is my fear of abandonment.
