The Real Reason It's So Hard to Recover from Childhood PTSD 

Overuse of media, unfulfilling work, under-earning and neglect of self (clothes, medical appointments). And starting and maintaining unhealthy relationships, friendships and family ties. Some fantasy, procrastination and debting as well. Avoidance. Those are mine.

My father recently died. For the first time, there is no one looking at me in disgust, or yelling at me or threatening me. It is a whole new world, Regina.

Now that I’m almost 3 years sober, I’ve noticed that I can’t stop ruminating. In my younger days when I was drinking and partying, I never thought about my past, I didn’t even know what trauma was. I’m pretty sure I was self-medicating and didn’t realize it. But, now that I’m sober and more educated on C-PTSD, it’s like my mind is constantly analyzing the past and trying to put all the broken pieces together, but it’s just a vicious cycle, I keep going down the same roads and coming up with the same conclusions.

I was just recently thinking about all the self destructive acts I committed since the 1980s, and the regret of undermining my own potential, and beating myself up for not understanding my own anger and self-loathing. But the truth is, all this understanding of CPTSD wasn't available when I was in my thirties and forties. It wasn't until 2016 at 53 that I began to piece together the puzzle of childhood neglect and scapegoating. I'm sixty now, and I've only begun to make some breakthroughs in healing. So to any suffers of CPTSD: there's no way you could have known it wasn't your fault twenty-thirty years ago.

The trauma changes the neurobiology and structures. I literally can’t out think it.

I am my own worst enemy, every single day

I only started healing when I left my parent’s house and went low contact! I still have a lot to work on but feel better and more like myself every day!

I noticed that as soon as I felt rested and healthier, I would suddenly crave things that would affect me negatively, like caffeine and it would feel like a treat, but would then throw me off for a while. I thought I was treating myself, but was sabotaging myself and trying to seek comfort because feeling good was so foreign to me. Now I still try to think more about "treats" and "rewards." Kind of sad reality to want to escape from feeling healthy.

This is a great video. After being fired from a few jobs for some of these self-defeating behaviours, I had a dark night of the soul (it took a few months) to finally understand where I was going wrong. It takes work. Always, and daily. This video is a great reminder. I know one thing is true: absolutely nothing feels better than growing.

I was traumatized by a family member before I could speak. I grew up rewired. You can't undo it. It's your being.

Don’t just say your going to change but change for the betterment of yourself and no one else!

“You won’t have every single one.” I guess I’m just extraordinary then :’) Each point hit harder than the last 😭

Thank you for this sincere gift❤. The worst part is the ones who caused these effects make fun of you for your anxiety then get jealous when I overcame it. The monster narcs continue to show up in other skins but I am finally strong enough to stand up to them. 😮

Self-defeating behavior is the biggest issue in the people I treat. It is compounded by those individuals being unaware of this patternn of behavior sabotaging their lives. Self-defeating behavior is at the heart of a significant percentage of the health issues sinking our medical care system.

Thankful for this! really struggling with this at 50 and the change of life is very scary struggles.😊❤

Single for 6yrs, free from limerence for nearly 2ys of these 6, struggling to keep consistent with exercise and personal care (clothes etc), out of touch of my real responsibilities, pure procrastination, and maybe 1 or 2 other points. Download this file, guys. Don't be like me. It is not nice to experience this.

Yes, calumny! I moved across the country, but my family still won’t leave me alone. They keep calling my employers to tell them bizarre things, especially that I am an imposter with a fake identity. It started when I was three and my dad was diagnosed with Capgras syndrome and ASPD specified as psychopathy. He said the John Birch Society sent me to spy on him, and that I was a Nazi-at age three. Over time, he has bought out the family to believe I am an imposter, a Nazi, gay, and the latest, a derangedTrump lover. DNA proof that I am part of the family causes them to blow up in anger and hatred. Sometimes, my dad and older sister claim they are investigators. Once they created a list of fifty fictitious names as witnesses, added random photos of me walking in public or standing outside at home, and wrote up a hundred pages of word-salad. They found one police officer willing to file their “report.” No one seemed to read it. But it took seventy days in solitary to be cleared. No apology from anyone. Cleared, “exonerated,” and the “report” was destroyed, but the damage to me was permanent and a beginning for a new, bizarre campaign. The calumny from my family to others includes everything you listed, but there is never a way to address it. For example, when I was seven, my dad took my sister (his “girlfriend,” I walked in on that) and me from my mother in the middle of the night. (She had sole custody.) At his new house in Bel Air, he had his new wife, a school teacher, force me to strip. She took all my clothes away and locked me alone in an empty bedroom. Then he had his new stepdaughter bring me half a tuna sandwich once a day, and stare at my body, and apologize. (They also laughed that I was “getting tuna,” ha ha, as if a seven year would know what that meant.) Then my dad called my school with bizarre, nasty comments about me. The first time, they told him to stop, but he kept having someone call until the time when my teacher, who knew the situation, was in the hospital and could not defend me. People say I am patient, calm, and saintly. Employers who have been contacted by family say something like, “We really like you personally, but we are ending your employment.” No prior warning. If I say nothing, they assume they are right in what they did. If I politely try to negotiate, they refuse to look at any documentation, then lose their temper or break into fake laughter.

ID and Pick 1 or 2 at a time to work on: 1. @6:06 Black and white thinking 2. @7:22 Neglect of your body 3. @7:52 Addictive use of food 4. @8:42 Addictive use of media and entertainment 5. @9:15 Dishonesty 6. @9:42 Work problems 6.5. @10:01 Underearning 7. @11:17 Procrastination 8. @12:29 Clutter 9. @13:50 Blame 10. @14:46 Numbing with substances [HIGH PRIORITY] 11. @15:09 Irritability 12. @15:33 Attraction to troubled people (partners AND friends) 13. @16:04 Unfulfilling romantic relationships (or avoidance of romantic relationships) 14. @16:44 Abuse of your sexuality 15. @17:19 Fantasy 16. @18:12 Avoidance 17. @18:51 Debting (monetary) 18. @20:07 Repeating traumatic patterns **List may feel overwhelming but remember it's NOT YOUR FAULT and you don't have to change everything at once.

Wounds of trauma that happened when you were a kid: Self-defeatijg behaviors: Lashing out at people Black & White thinking Neglect of body - don't exercise Addictive use of food - sugar and carb food coma Dishonesty - exaggerating, lying Work problems - work that is not meaningful to you Procrastination - freeze - move your body Clutter is a retraumatizer Blame - bitterness; rhink all problems due to one thing e.g. sexism Irritability The attraction to troubled partners and friends Fantasy - successful future fantasy without doing the hard work, delusional thinking Avoidance - Habit of repeating traumatic patterns

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to get in front of so many people and share your life , thank you

I had a double mastectomy, partly to prevent a cancer recurrence, but I opted to go flat as a way to ensure men won’t be attracted to me since I can’t trust myself to make good decisions when it comes to relationships. Too many men have hurt me in the past, so I’ve safeguarded myself against being hurt in relationships going forward. At 50, I’m too old for this crap.

You are so gifted and knowledgeable speaking on this topic. I just purchased your book. I am looking forward to reading it.

Great you’ve described my whole life in detail. What isn’t included? Ugh. KMN. Too late for it all. You seem to be talking to younger ppl who have ability and time to make a change. What about old ppl?? So depressing and overwhelming.

The challenging part for me is that I wasn't anything like this in the past yet all this behavior cropped up in me, it broke my heart. 😟

Hi Anna, I've been going crazy but understanding it isn't me, but the past I experienced has given me so much hope. It's been about 2 years since I found your channel, and I appreciate you this whole time.

I feel like I am doing every single one of these self-defeating behaviors. This is really hard. I am journalling daily and I try to focus on repairing one or two things a day. Some days I have a hard time even leaving the house. I am much more socially engaged than in the past too but I have a hard time engaging people. Grace is a really big part of recovery and sometimes my biggest challenge. Not about a magic fix, just about being consistent and celebrating small wins.

I think most of my problems come from my attachment style. It doesn't matter if in romantic relationships or at work, I trust the wrong people, and it took me way too long to realise it. But my major trigger is loneliness. Yes, I manage to be alone. It got way better, but I want to do so much, but at some point, I always think, "Why bother? You don't need one more thing to do alone." And that is the moment the self-defeating behaviour starts. And no, friends and colleagues do not fill that void. Only a real romantic connection will. I know that because I lived it for years. I managed to fulfil my needs as single in any other way, but not that one. For that I need a special person. I would survive without, but I would never be truly happy because this is a part of my personality. I want someone. Not to complete me, but to complement me. I do not wish to be alone. I want to share my existence with someone. This is not a weakness. This is my wish!

Thank you, good video. I was adopted as a baby and raised by an adoptive mother who suffered from depression (bizarrely her doctor recommended adoption as an answer to her depressive issues, it wasn't) don't get me wrong my adoptive parents are very good people, however my mother has spent a lifetime running herself down and not being ok in herself. I suffered a major depressive incident a few years ago (i thought i was fine until then) and i am only just recovering and realising that many of my issues are related to my early years. So many of these self defeating behaviours are regrettably true for me. Every day is a fight to move forward I have lost everything and am starting again in my mid fifties. On the plus side I am addressing my issues and making slow but steady progress. I wish I knew what was wrong with me for all these years, looking back over failed marriages, and a pattern for attracting problematic partners, while not ever knowing how I actually felt about pretty much anything for most of my life is painful to come to terms with. I know I have a long way to go. But a better understanding of what i can do and change things gives me real hope.

In my (almost) 50 years, I have never thought of myself as having survived childhood trauma. I experience almost everything on this list, especially the clutter. The most telling part is that my clutter surrounds me, quite literally putting obstacles in place for people to get to me. I have an extremely small circle, so it doesn’t even make sense to block them away like that. But I’m still trying to protect myself, because I know the day will come when they’ll realize I’m very unlovable.

I also struggle with Clutter... UGH!!

Partners? That's only for healthy people.

Halfway through this video and I've checked every symptom. I'm afraid to continue 😢

OOF. This one packed a big ole punch. 🥊

Magical thinking has caused me to hurt myself by believing in unscrupulous people like narcissists who can pretend to be the knight to my literal Cinderella & end up repeating traumatic patterns

Thanks, Anna. I remember two or three years ago when I first started listening to you I finally felt that I found a friend who understood. It's still a really hard journey but I really appreciate you.

Thank you Anna for the exhaustive list of CPTSD symptoms. As I was checking the list for myself, I realised why I got involved in New Age practices for a decade and spent thousands and thousands for workshops and healing sessions. One of the major problems with New Age practices is the gurus prey on those who are deeply traumatised and ask the people to fantasise about unrealistic futures. I'm now out of it and healing myself after finding out both my parents are narcissistic and my sisters and I have endured abuse since childhood. But unfortunately, my younger sister now got caught into the New Age fantasies, dreaming about becoming billionaire and a celebrity philanthropist. I tried to warn her about the dangers of New Age, but she was so self centred that she written off all my advices without giving them a thought.

Thank you for this. I see some of these self defeating behaviors in myself but didn't connect them to the trauma of my childhood as well as continuing the trauma in a long term unhealthy marriage.

Once I realized I was using others to abuse myself, & retraumatizing through behaviors, it was hard but freeing! 👍🙏🕊️

I'm so grateful for you. Thank you for fighting so hard to overcome your past and for dedicating so much time and spending so much effort to help us. 💜

This is going into one of my playlists so I can listen to it often. What a wonderful and priceless list of self-defeating behaviors. Thank you! I will be ordering your book as soon as I get paid today 💖💖💖🥰!

I recently lost a job opportunity after two years of searching. I felt so defeated, especially because i felt that someone was trying to sabotage this for me. I want to be free and more independent, but it is hard when a lot of people around me paint me as delusional, crazy, in limerance (when lately i would rather be alone forever), obsessed, too sick to work. I judt want to create a life form myself but somehow that is not ok for them.

I can’t thank you enough for talking about this. Your videos are helping me so much 🙏

I think the reason we can’t think ourselves out of it is because we actually didn’t think but rather FELT ourselves into it as kids in the first place Only through those same feelings, in a way, we can find our way out, doing so from the point of view of us as those children who didn’t know better and bc of that innocence we blamed ourselves for something we were not guilty of, just like everyone in the history of humanity I feel.. BUT the thing is to STOP believing we are those feelings.. like the saying goes, the answer to the pain is in the pain itself

Bless you, Anna. All the "basics" that I learned from you and work on every day, which has improved my functioning and mental state so much, are still fascinating and relevant reminders for me. I appreciate you 🙏🏼❤

I want a happy relationship. It starts OK in the beginning. Then not.

This info is spot on for me. I don't have all, thankfully, but i do have a majority of these behaviors. It has been hard to accept that i have to work on this forever!!

I can’t put it into words, how much I appreciate what you are doing and sharing and teaching us! Your content has helped me a lot and every day I am learning more. You are a blessing! Wish you were my friend or mommy 💕😁

Thanks for the list. Somethings to think about!

I’ve found it’s easier to sit with what I have been for 63 years, than want to make the change because I’m going to have to think about it all again. It’s getting easier to just block it out. I think I’m not good enough to have a worthy relationship. I pick anyone that I think will want me.

OMG Anna Runkle you are amazing. Wish I found you years ago! Thank you so much for all you do. I am on the path to healing thanks to you!! ❤❤❤

You are a GIFT TO MY LIFE. Thank you, this is so helpful. Bless you, May you be showered with with Love and Peace in your heart.

Thank you so much indeed for your channel, your videos,your theories,ideas and sincerety when sharing them with us.

You tell the truth and most people don't like the hard truth. But that's what true friends do. Tell it as it is. ❤. Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing but the most needed to recover and heal.

Highly informative. Thank you so much for this.

I like you a lot Anna! You help me, I feel understood... All the best from Hamburg, Germany.

I've posted here before, but my dad was not only physically abusive, but emotionally as well. He gas lit the shit out of me my whole life. That made me confused and gullible my whole life. I got bullied in the workplace and in relationships. He was not a nice man

Began listening to this and you inspire me. Outstanding video that I will listen to tonight after work. I wish I had 20% of this knowledge 40 years ago when I was beginning my healing efforts. I have a hard time forgiving therapists who tried helping me and could not because no one understoood 'emotional dysregulation'. I certainly did not. Will order your book at 68. My autism definitely reflects emotional dysregulation at various times. From you list, I definitely struggled with career snd underearning. I raised these issues in therapy 30+ years ago and wanted my life to work. Unfortunately, my therapy experiences were often a waste of time. Thank you for being there for me and so many others validating our experiences.

Makes so much sense for me!

Sure love you! Bless you for all your work! ❤

You are pretty much describing my life... I don't believe I'm dishonest but I hide this truth about myself which is kind of dishonest. I'm slowly getting free of addictions but I'm super addicted to social media... I take some opportunities to shade certain people from my past if I'm not the initiator... I rage out in tough situations and I don't know how to help it when I try my best to be patient all the time. I worry that I can't offer anyone a good relationship because I'm broken ... I don't mind that people don't invite me to events just because I can do more harm to my existing relationships just by being there... Oh the limerence 😅... I'm on track to debting ... I suppose it's time to fix it. Thank you for the awareness... I'm going to rewatch this... Maybe I can reach a new plateau🙏

it's off topic, but god i love your top. looking amazing as always.

You seem to be spot on with what I'm going through. I've been in therapy for over 3 years and medicated. I still do some of these things. some things have gotten a little better. The struggke is real.

These reminders help keep me on the path. Thanks Anna. 🖐️

Excellent - Very helpful. Many thanks......All the way from London !

You are amazing. Thank you very much.

Good information!

Holy smokes, this was eye-opening information.

do you have a video about the “get rich quick” mentality and gambling?

Under earning, unfulfilling romantic relationships, used to be fantasy/limerence (but I've worked on that one, yay!), avoidance (of needed contact,) and repeating traumatic patterns.

Thanks Anna, so helpful. I have been making progress with a lot of these, going backwards with a couple. At least I can see it.

How do I change this?? NOT all of us are able to move out and we still stay in that place. I can't seem to get my breakthrough. I am struggling more and more and push away people because most of them just leave.

I can pretty much tick all the boxes 😂 🤣 I would even procrastinate about writing the list down I reckon 😂😂. I love watching your videos sitting in bed eating a box of Cheetos. Not sure if that is my social media addiction kicking in. 😂 But I do know one thing I am very grateful for you. You are the only person who can identify behavior and actually give advice on how to fix it. Thank you 🙏 you are amazing.

Truth and knowledge set you free. My partner and I have most of the list..I want to divorce but he threw rage about it. No wonder. Thank you for sharing this. I feel a bit on top of the situation.

Thank you!!🙏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

Oh Anna I luv u. You make it all clear and real, thankx - now off to shake my tail feather!

Thank you. ❤

Thank you for sharing this. Very long list. Can check yes to (too) many. Hope to benefit from what I've heard and not feel more stuck.

Thanks again for all of your work!!

As you go through this list I'm ticking off pretty much every one, my issue, I have no Fking idea on that my childhood trauma or any trauma I have endured?

Ive just realised how toxic my behaviour has been. Almost everything on that list to some degree: except a firm and conscious no to lying or violence. Coming from my family who lived through war: starvation and genocide: thats progress. Alot of things on the list i can definately improve. I am starting with blame: its not the easiest one: but it underpins my desires for kindness, peace and company.

still working on seeing hiding personal truths as 'dishonesty'. it feels a lot like a 'normal' 'necessity', hard to undo without safe spaces to share and practice but nice to see a few of these now only happen when there's been a really big triggering event... so progress in some areas

Can't wait for the book to drop!

Can you be stuck in freeze mood . I can’t get off my couch I am stuck but won’t move .

You've just described me!

Love your shirt :)

I see a lot of these in my trauma and don’t like it but not all of these apply so Im not totally gone!

My only self defeating problem is relationships related... Carrying on to stick to wrong people.. Rest I am good at everything ofcourse not perfect but definitely good and fine to a good extent... ✨

New teeth are looking great!

thank you 🤗🤗❤❤

Great video

Thank you.

I tend to buy things I have. I also like to buy a lot of hygiene products that fill my cupboards to the max. A lot of the time the products are not necessary but I feel good when I shop. This leaves me to run short of money until my next paycheck. I had so many bad romantic relationships that I have just given up. Funny thing is that sometimes I wish that I could just have that one guy friend that I can trust. I have fantasies about how good that would be. I also become really irritated and can lash out when I am frustrated. I honestly want to change, I want to get better and I want to heal.

I have trauma from childhood stuff but my entire adulthood has been traumatic with chronic pain I'm in my 40s I have had multiple therapists tell me I cannot heal from what is still ongoing and I can just do my best to manage it I'm barely surviving

I love how I tick off almost all these boxes lol

To everyone I recommend to you the keto carnivore diet. It really helps in so many ways for the cptsd desregulation.

This is overwhelming.

The only one thing I slightly disagree with here is Black or White thinking with regard to morals and principles... But I do understand that the reaction and the anger around these has to be modulated. I happen to think we don't have enough black and white principles in our society to our detriment but I get your point about balance and moderation in approaching them.

All of the above

I have CPTSD exacerbated by PTSD caused by my employers' bullshit.

Thank you for explaining all this.