For me, my people-pleasing ended when I finally set boundaries. I just saw this today. "I used to tolerate a lot because I did not want to lose people. Now I establish boundaries because I do not want to lose myself". How incredibly fitting for this video!
Welp, I did that and now I have zero friends and my family can barely stand me. Guess it's their loss. Not really. It's a lonely life.
10 месяцев назад
@rnt45t1Instead of finding a friend, be a friend. While meeting a stranger act like you already know them. Do conversation not because you want anything but because of having 'fun'. In that way you will stop 'pleasing' them.
@@rnt45t1I can relate to that, but still there can a balance between isolating completely and socializing. For me I simply cut out the people I don't care about, those can be your classmates whom you call "friends", colleagues, relatives, etc and just stick around my immediate family and 3-4 close friends. Here, making some sacrifices for the purpose of socializing was definitely worth it. In the end we are social beings, we need connections to have a fulfilling life. Sorry for the rant, I just wanted to express myself. Hope you have a great day!!
@rnt45t1 that used to be me. Grew up with no family, so spent years people pleasing to find someone to love me. When I tried to stop people pleasing and create boundaries I lost friends, moved away my abusive partner and ended up living alone. Some days felt like torture. Watching the clock in a silent house, the crying never stopped. Stayed in bed. Weeks of despair dragged on. I wanted to die. A lonely life felt pointless. Wrote a will. Planned my way out. Welcoming death is what saved me in the end. I truly stopped caring what others thought of me. I thought if I'm gonna die alone I might as well enjoy it and make the best of it. And in that process of enjoying my "remaining time", I became my own best friend, turned people pleasing into me-pleasing and ended up finding love in myself, truly. Now I love my life, I'm actually living my best life, Ive created healthy friendships, i enjoy my own company, i dont "need" anyone to make me happy, and i don't want to die as I have plans and goals for the future again that I'm actively working on. I think they call this process an ego death. I had to surrender.
I’ve been a people pleaser for 61 years until I recently had a very vivid dream that I was rushing around a vast airport terminal trying to make everyone a cup of tea with my tiny travel kettle. It was so apocryphal. This video is very well timed for me. Many thanks for your wisdom.
Great sharing Thanks.I am also 61 and had a similar Airport dream . I was minding all the luggage while people got their food and whatever.I missed my plane ✈️ because of the disorganisation of others.Similar theme.Time to look after ourselves.😊
Umm dont get it personal But do you know what you got? "The boot licker title" You see? I still can name you despite the good things you have done You cant escape it, be nice be mean be everthing, you still can be blamed and named and disliked
I used to be a people pleaser all my life and suffered from it without even realizing it. When i was a kid, i used to be the "good boy". I listened to my parents, i obeyed when they said no and i didn't argue. Whenever i disobeyed for the slightest things, i'd get severely reprimanded which reinforced the people pleaser side of me. What i realized 20 years later was that i was known from other perspectives as a "nice guy". A regular bland nice guy with nothing more to it which shook me. Then a phrase i heard that sealed the change was that "We are all someone else's a$$hole or d*head". That one just straight up executed the people pleaser in me after realizing that not only i was killing my authentic self but also that in the end, it was a pointless unending battle.
I am a people pleaser. I married a woman my father wanted me to marry. Even though my gut told me no. The marriage lasted over two years until my gut told me that I needed to leave this marriage because I was miserable. After my marriage ended, I slowly distanced myself from my family. I am from the Indian subcontinent. I decided not to swim in the Indian Ocean and started to swim in the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans. In other words, my friends/ family are Chinese, Vietnamese, Japaneses, Peruvian, Filipino, American, Russian. I have never been happier.
@@AthulVijayfreakinawesome Yes, I was told as a child to be a good boy. If I spoke up, my family shamed and gaslighted me. I remained a good boy with my family even after moving to the US. I did not know who I really was.
I stopped it by dropping all of my social media outlets as well as withdrawing myself from all faux social circles. Never looked back ever since and my life has taken a 180 turn for the better. I knew deep down in my thoughts that I needed to focus on myself and my own well-being rather than putting others first.
People pleasing/fawning is actually a trauma response! Pete Walker talks about it in his book about Complex-PTSD. It’s a survival strategy to avoid conflict by mirroring the imagined expectations and desires of others. It’s exhausting and painful to constantly silence yourself and push your emotions away, all while working overtime to anticipate the emotions of other people. I know, because I do it all the time… it’s getting better but it’s a process. Self-compassion and patience are the key. ❤️🙏✨
For me it needed a complete mental breakdown followed by years of burnout, anxiety & panic attacks to stop people pleasing. My situation, my body & my mind, forced me to say no, bc whenever I didn‘t, my panic got worse. I felt bad saying no so often but I had no other choice if I wanted to heal. At some point, ppl got used to it & now I actually enjoy saying no a lot, it feels like the best thing I can do for myself/health.
I've eventually stopped people-pleasing, it made me feel weak and codependent and like I was wasting my life, no more! Self-love is the ultimate way of being of service to others and yourself without losing yourself in the process.
I agree. It's like the saying goes; in an aeroplane, in an emergency, you put on your mask first, then you are better placed to help others. If you can't love yourself, how can you love anyone else.
These were hard lessons for me to learn. I remember in school retaking career aptitude tests 3+ times, changing my answers until i got things that i thought would make my parents happy.
I learned very early, that everyone has different expectations. Trying to fulfil them all would be insane. My childhood hero was the cartoon character Popeye, who stated unambiguously, "I yam what I yam". A good mantra I think. 👍
What if...like my position...I work as a sales consultant and I think I should please my costumers. Do I belong to those "pleasers" ? I got confuse...😥
My sister lent me the book "Codependent No More" and I started reading it last night. This video could not have been more timely in my life. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me.
I have been a people-pleaser my whole life: family, school/university, career/employment and lastly,relationships. I always wanted to be accepted and liked, but early in life and into the my teens due to my physical disabilities, other kids (some of whom were very cruel) and many adults were indifferent or ignored me (I became painfully shy). So my family became the centre and focus of my life, my safe harbour, it was also less stressful and hurtful than the world outside, but not without its own problems. I was able to reduce the shyness gradually, but the need to be a people-pleaser remained until about three years ago when my personal situation changed. The things you describe show me that I am just like anyone else in my behaviour of half a lifetime. My biggest challenge early 2020 has been to find my own path, my own needs after a lifetime of not really having any of my own and believing this was the way it was supposed to be for me.
Becoming more disagreeable, judging others (not putting on pedestals), learning to value myself in the moment, becoming more assertive, having a more brash/direct attitude (not caring about how people react or what they think) etc has really helped me. My process has been to allow myself to use these as tools and incorporate them into my personality while balancing it with respect for others, good communication and self control. People pleasing is the worst. I need to revisit the "No More Mr Nice Guy" book.
I have been a sick people pleaser all my life. i am kind of old now !. so, Thank you for this video. I have been watching and improving based on your videos and few others in past 3 or 4 years. Thank you for that. I have started to say "No" sometimes now. i do not engage with "people" who squish me like a bug. i do not go to gatherings i am booed at anymore. Thank you for this guidance and courage.
Ironically, it's validating to hear you suggest that the people I'm trying (and failing) to please may not be worth the effort. Yesterday's holiday gathering reminded me that no matter how hard I work, I'm still a weirdo.
She is fantastic, and I truly loved her road trips to see the developments first hand and to dive into what was actually going on. Wonderful work. Reminiscent of the "Big Short" where those two actors went to houses that were owned by strippers, etc. etc.
I am going to look her up, I have about $81k i want to start with, might be small but it's better than nothing though. Since the 08 crash is playing out again.
People pleasing stems from the fear of being alone, which in turn represents the will to survive. But, one just needs to take a breather, and say, " I'm going to be alright ", and back yourself. ( So good that you mentioned acts of kindness, random acts of kindness and acts where it feels right. Animals deserve attention also. )
No I am not a people-pleaser, but your video is illuminating and makes me think of my past when I was in a social group of tough and rude boys and I tended to please them to be accepted. I was not fully myself because I felt I was weaker than them, and even if I realized I was doing harm to myself, it took me years to get rid of them. Now I am 54, and I would say that there are two main pathological situations in which people-pleasers can do harm to themselves and to others: children in peer groups at a young age who struggle to be accepted and mothers/parents who tend to overprotect their children, not giving them the very basics skills to cope with life. Lastly, I must say that, at least here in Italy where we are facing degrading human relationships due to social and economic regression, more often than not people do not even think to please others but to exploit them with rudeness and betrayal .Thank you for another inspiring video.
I’ve found an alternative to holidays if narcissists ruin them. Spend the holiday by yourself on your own with your own money. Stop spending holidays with narcissists. Somehow they rage and ruin the holiday. They will find a way to ruin the holiday. So go out to a little breakfast spot or buy yourself a little gift for Christmas or gift to the homeless. Anyone else gets a gift BUT the narcissist. Narcissists do not deserve your kindness. Please gift yourself for Christmas. It’s most likely they will not appreciate what you gift them
I've been a people pleaser for a big part of my adult life, and the thing that got me to finally change was that my body effectively said, "No more!". I developed a neurological disorder called FND, as well as generalized anxiety. I became sort of like "the bug"... unable to do nearly as much as I used to. Fortunately for me, my friends and family were not so superficial as in Kafka's story, as they provided me with a great deal of support. I'm still working my way through all this, but one thing I know for sure: I do NOT want to go back to people-pleasing ever again!
Sadly this has been my life story. I've always been an outcast and always tried to fit in, often sacrificing my true direction to do so. I'm an old man now and have managed to almost fully extract myself from that mindset. Thank you for your enlightening videos and insights.
I can definitely relate to the story in the beginning. I was just like that but not anymore because therapy helped me realize why I was a people pleaser. I don’t have any relationships with those people now because I stopped putting everyone before myself which told the truth about my place in their lives. I’m actually glad because now I have peace and I’m content with myself and my life.
I think my mom tried to raise me as a people pleaser to an extent that if I voiced my opinion which was contradicting hers, she would make me feel like a terrible son and that I am "not being part of the family". I then though that this was kinda fishy and over the years got very comfortable having/voicing my own opinion, doing my own research, asking questions, and gradually this people pleasing behavior went away. With that being said, I now see that interpersonal relationship, all of them, really are fragile and it's often hard to find the right balance.
Same with mine. She went through divorce and what she said was a horrible family so I always stood by her side. Then when I had my own opinion about whatever she was going through she would say I am "going against the family" and never take her side even though the family was just her because we isolated ourselves from everyone else. Then when I found my boyfriend who she didn't approve of, I isolated myself from her. She ended up reaching back out to this family that was always against her and now has mended her relationship with them. I stay away from everyone now. I still find myself trying to please her then end up getting hurt and have to remind myself but it's a work in progress. Good luck to you and everyone else.
I grew up with mean people. I hung out with mean people. Then I worked with nice people. It took me a while to become nice. Now I actively avoid mean people. It's more subtle than that, but here I am, actively saying "that's not what I want in my life, this is who I am." Terrifying, but real. My idea of boundaries has changed dramatically.
Mean people was what you considered "normal" until you met nice people. Sounds similar to a culture shock - nice people seemed foreign until you got used to it.
You know, I have been considering not using The Internet lately. I was part of a gaming community for years. One guy I wanted to be like. I suffered trying to become more skilled. Once I reached the point I was better than the majority of the community; I was still talked down to or more often than not ignored by almost every person in the community. I felt like I had wasted all of that time to, "get good". My complaints about this just result in people either talking under their breath about how toxic I am being, or outright ignoring me. I think there was only one guy who understood which did not even play the series that much.
@@kmscheid3303 There are a few channels on RU-vid which accept me for me. Stop by Lightning Farron's channel. She is a gaming live streamer who has been consistently good people for the four years I have known her.
So many gems in this piece, thank you. As a retired professional ballet dancer, balancing feeling good about the art is a challenge because of the public performance aspect in order to be paid to do it. When I was young, the audience response was important, but the older I got, and the more I became familiar with the art and my tribe, ( the ballet company ), I only cared for the applause backstage, and actually tired of the audience and their predictable response. Also as a male ballet dancer, partnering is a main part of the art form. Being a good male partner means the ballerina has to be comfortable, and the male partner often has to sacrifice his comfort in order to make the performance not only look good but be safe. The only good partnerships are when both artists understand the experience must be shared and cared for together.
Much of what you said sounds familiar. I have a similar relationship with my father where the concept of my individuality doesn't even exist, much less be accepted. Breaking out of that shell was difficult. As a matter of fact, it was another toxic relationship which caused me to reevaluate myself. My ex was a very toxic and narcissistic person who tried to crush my individuality and only wanted parts of me which would benefit her. After reaching a point of saturation, I cut ties with that person. However, it set off a chain reaction in my mind which made me evaluate other relationships in my life where I felt I was simply serving others at my expense, only asking for acceptance in return, and never getting it. So, I broke away from that mindset. I chose my individuality instead of acceptance. It's not to say that I've forsaken kindness or adopted selfishness, but as you stated, I'm drawing boundaries and not letting anyone step over them as I did in the past. I'm now in my late 30s and I often feel like I wasted my 20s being that people pleaser instead of paying attention to my needs. To anyone reading this, don't waste your youth as I did. Again, I would stress that don't get so self-absorbed that you become a selfish narcissist yourself, but don't always sacrifice your dreams for others. Sometimes, you have to for that is a virtue (depending on the circumstance), but not every time. Finally, every person is responsible for their actions. Don't let anyone blame you for their mistakes, and don't blame others for the ones you've made. You carry your burden and let them carry yours. Have sympathy, if you must, but don't ever carry their burden.
I feel you buddy, i am going through the same thing! I feel like being present is the key to finding that balance... Because when you are present you are not thinking and just being... And ultimately The " being " state is your true or authentic self. You can still choose to please. But because you are present you will feel it when it is the right thing for you or not. But this takes a lot of practice and dedication! For some people it comes naturally, ultimately it is something you can learn i think
I think there's a difference between wanting to "help" others and wanting to "please" others. I believe I am the former but not the latter. As an example, I have, on multiple occasions, seen someone unconscious or passed out on the sidewalk, and each time, I pulled over, got out of my car and called 911, waiting near the person until responders arrived. Surely, I did not perform the act to please the passed-out person, as he/she will never know of my act; nor did I do it to "please" the responders because responding to the call was part of their daily routine. Rather, I called 911 because I would want someone to do the same for me, and because it was simply the "right thing to do." What if the person died as a result of my NOT making the call?
There's a fine line your Gut will tell you when to help and when it's not your business. Comes with Life experience. You got your head screwed on right though I feel the same about charity I'll help some homeless person who looks like they need help not the flossed out person with a sign who dresses better than me .
@@kevenmosley3423 it depends on the circumstances for sure . I'll always help someone in need . But not help someone who is only looking for handouts. You can usually spot the difference pretty easy.
Did you want the validation from the guy you assisted or the 911 responders? Did you want thanks for your good deed? I would do exactly the same and Karma will be my judge of whether I did a good thing or not. It is a truism that we now live in an age where people would rather film events on social media and share them for likes rather than help others who need help. "Doing the right thing" no longer seems the human thing to do and many people simply do not.
Validation isn't a process in this case until we find out the person may get into a worse situation, just to make sure he doesn't, that's all I meant , don't want to hurt the already cut person .
Morning wisdom always appreciated my guy! Hope you had a great Thanksgiving brother! You've helped me become the greatest version of myself. Gotta be selfish sometimes and spoil Yourself. No one is there for you more than yourself.
I think by getting a better understanding of the nature of people (see "Clockwork Orange", "The Lord of the Flies", "The Stanford Prison Experiment", ...) can result in a stopping the desire to be a people pleaser. Thank you very much for your work and also sharing personal experiences.
A masterpiece, as always!!! Never interpreted Kafka’s metamorphosis this way, but now that I heard you say it, it immediately made so much sense! I wish I could express my gratuity for your videos beyond mere words. You literally make people’s life better, and to my mind there’s nothing more noble than that!
13:13 - Kindness in boundary-setting involves being firm and consistent. It’s about valuing your own well-being and communicating that your limits are essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. This doesn’t mean being inflexible, but rather finding a balance between accommodating others and ensuring your own needs are met. By approaching boundary-setting with kindness, you create an environment where people feel heard and respected. This can lead to stronger connections and a mutual understanding of each other’s needs and limits. Setting boundaries isn’t about closing doors; it’s about opening dialogues with kindness and understanding.
Great content. This is what makes YT worth watching. @Einzelganger you are not alone. Many of us can relate especially fathers from the earlier generations. Men are in trouble today in different ways but the consequences will be similar. A horrible cycle. Stoicism and the 4 agreements have been tremendously helpful and reading about the lives of great people has also been an inspiration.
You had a narcissistic father? No wonder you are so deep into philosophy. We all wanted to please our parents because we loved them and were dependent on them to meet our needs. I believe this is the root of people-pleasing.
It was really hard for me to stop people pleasing. An antidote was for me to isolate and alienate myself from others. I still do it to some degree, but I've consciously reduced my anxiety over other people's opinions of me.
I probably still don't know what I want in life. But when I was young my dad arranged me a job with the hope I succeded him in his profession. But after I decided that's not what I wanted, I went working in a supermarket and met my best friends in life. I went eventually to the university (with thanks to my parents) to follow the college that I wanted. Now, I'm almost 39, probably still unaware what I want. But happy that I choose somehow my own path, even though it leads to nothing. Still I'm asking myself everytime I do something. Is this what I want, or does anybody else want me to this for him/her?
Such a great question in the end. "What do you want or Don't want?" It's a great place to begin a journey back to one self's. I grew up in a family with a very demanding mindset on expectations and values that they them self's had never reflected upon. I have found that within my family, friend's and my working life it has been a complete people pleasing mindset and I got that from my family and maybe from my own demanding father and family. I've felt that pain of the people not understanding or turning their back on you and it's a very painful and lonely place. I find that knowing what I really want is so hard and hard to describe to others but knowing what I do not want is alot easier to realize and understand within myself and that gives me a better footing in starting to put myself first more and more and more... Thank you for this video. I Love your stuff
I only recently discovered I was raised by my narcissistic mother and angry, alcoholic stepfather to be a chronic people pleaser with no development of personal boundaries. So a lifetime of allowing people to take everything from me, leave me empty and exhausted and then complain when I didn’t give them even more. I have no issues saying no to people now but I realised I still put others first before myself. I was spending too much and doing too much for others and wondering why I never had any money or any peace. When I discovered the philosophy of the Stoics, it changed my life. I’m still quite new to it all but I have seen huge improvements in my mental state and how I deal with people who push at my boundaries. Now I stop them cold whenever others try to run bad behaviour over me. I’m also having fun giving to myself emotionally, spiritually and financially and not giving a toss about what others think of me or whether they get angry at me for not being a doormat to them. Finding joy in the little things and the big things in my life has been life changing too
I struggle with the same. I wonder often if my life is even mine. If I ever wanted any of it. It is so wildly different to what I wanted. I feel like i'm living a life that was paved for me. Thank you for this video!
I identify with this! When I came into recovery from addiction, I didn't know who I was. Then I learned about boundaries and goals, and my own values and things have changed and still changing for the better.
People pleasing had me in great internal conflict. Thinking i had to fulfill others expectations, when i internal being was roaring like a wild fire. I was afraid of being looked upon as inferior because i didn't experience what society said i should at their time. Saying No freed me, and a lot of ppl got upset and hostile, bringing up past deeds and sympathy stories. So i say now to get a yes from me, speak truth.
Former PPL PLSR here, I've been one since I could remember typical shit like being uncomfortable with saying no, not speaking up when I didn't align with something and carrying other people's projections of me all the time. Well I became aware of this part of my psyche in college and decided to change. Being a PPL PLSR takes a big fucking toll emotionally and psychologically, so what I did slowly was reprogram my mind with stoicism and meditation. I got to the root of my PPL PLSR disorder and started understanding the why's of this behavior. Then it all just clicked one day, I started giving less fucks and valued myself and my dignity more than whatever someone else could think. I started dressing more expressively and started leaving my comfort zone in many little ways. It's funny tho, now I see how much people expect you to kiss their ass but when you don't they always hate you for it!
Whoever told you PPL PLSR is your disorder is just dumb. Get some self respect it is not a disorder don't let the medical industry convince you you have disorders they want weak minded and dependent people to milk for money and attention that's all it is
I was a people pleaser. Always trying to do what people expected from me and never even thinking what I really wanted. Thinking that pleasing other people somehow was good because they would please me too (someday) Well that never happend. Act of kindness are different I think because in an act of kindness you do it out of love and don't expect anything back ❤
Yes, I am A People Pleaser. I am at the 2:27 Mark and I am looking forward to the rest of this video. The intro was VERY Powerful and Thank you for it.
Great video, quite timely as I have been thinking about this topic more lately. In the past I recognize that I was a major people pleaser wanting the acceptance and fearful of what people thought of me. What has helped me is studying philosophy, looking inwards with introspection (even though I have often done that as an introvert), and practice of stoicism. Also continually realizing how short life is, I don't want to waste any more of it.
I read the book a few months back and realised many people base your value onto how much they can benefit from you and the sentence "people show their real colours when you stop feeding into their desires and expectations " really sums up the book and you turn into a monster in their eyes...your pain is suddenly invisible and you die alone cause you are in no need to them..knowing you have all along been a selfless giver and the fact you cared doesn't mean they will care...the world inst a fair place
I let go of people pleasing as a young adult because it just led to me living a life that did not align with my values or what mattered to me. I just did what others wanted for me growing up and I had no real sense of self or at least I didn’t know who I was. Once I stopped people pleasing and focused more on developing who I am and exploring that, my life overall got much better and I feel stronger within myself
This video was a real punch in my face, so strong, but necessary. I recently lost a friendship that I considered important, however, I discovered that this 'friend' was laughing at me behind my back, all because deep down I didn't listen to my conscience, which told me to stay away and try new friendships. I see it, however, as a learning experience to change my submissive identity. This video fits like a glove, thank you. PS: I don't speak english very well, so please forgive my mistakes.
I was and still am a people-pleasing person. Not only to be part of the groups I'm in but mostly because i really like doing good deeds for others. To provide. What made a huge difference for me was to accept myself and have my own goals, work also for me and to not offer my help without acknowledging that they do have others also in their life to help. This would discard my mind from suffering for that person. Also boundaries, learning to say no because I, myself, am important and need to take care of me too
I was in a pleasing circle, so to speak. I became a pleaser to my partner who was a pleaser to her family, her fahter especially. She demand on me things that were demanded on her by her father. After some time I couldn't even say freely what I wanted, I had to be always assure of my behavior so I did not do something she wouldn't like. I tried to speak with her about how toxic is the influence of her father who had one specific vision of her future I didn't actually fit in. I knew something was wrong because otherwise she wouldn't keep me as her partner. But the tension between us grew stronger and stronger - she felt more and more guilty I am not someone her father could approve and she won't have with me such future he would like for her. She just left me one day. I miss her sometimes but I know I could never please her because it was bot me who "must" please her father.
People pleasing is definitely a trap for me as a neurodivergent person. It's a learnt strategy for us to unconsciously compensate for our deficits. I'm back in therapy again to specifically target this issue and it's already paying off for my stress levels and self esteem.
Because I have some autistic traits, I use "people pleasing" for masking/camouflaging. It happened exactly as you describe: I got lost in my life. On the other hand, I also learned to act socially, which I was practically unable to do before. However, I have to be careful to maintain balance and not lose touch with myself. It's a constant balancing act and damn exhausting. That's why I'm now reducing my people pleasing and trying to be more authentic - but without offending other people.
What you said about your Narcissistic father really hits home to me. You create a persona to be accepted by your father and after some time you feel trapped in this facade you built. You feel empty and lack purpose, because he wont accept you even after all the effort you put. Its a tough and painful trap to escape from.
I was a big people pleaser because I grew up in a family that made me feel there were conditions to be loved. There's no immediate moment I stopped people pleasing but rather a continuous process. Bringing awareness towards my own thoughts, acceptance and self love. I don't think I stopped it completely, but I am much more conscious, and I love and accept who I am so much more.
I am a people pleaser, I am 18 years old, studying what I don't what, for something I don't like , form a place I want to get away from ...but even after this video I can't figure out what to do .... i am confused now.
People pleasing began when I started school. My birthday is late in the year and so most kids had already established themselves by the time I joined. I was not used to putting up my hand to ask to go to the toilet and was embarrassed to do it, so I would sneak out when I had to go but always got caught when trying to sneak back in. Of course this meant I was always in trouble and getting hit (which was the punishment back in the 60's). Other kids ostracized me because they thought I'd get them in trouble too. I got relief when I met my friend, Ross. But Ross died a couple of weeks after we met and I was lonelier than ever. Because I craved to not be lonely I knew I had to comply. I knew I had to do whatever was asked of me -including being happy with any child who would have me as a friend. I learned to please people. I did this for 60 years. The past few years I found myself ostracized once again. This time, however, I began to explore and get to know myself. I realized I was a people pleaser and where it came from. I do not cling to people as I did before anymore. I appreciate my right to my own opinions and the freedom to choose what I want in my life. I no longer depend on others to make me happy and have plenty of hobbies I enjoy. I'm still working on myself and try to be aware of faults in myself I want to fix. I have learned that being alone is not the worst thing in life. Being alone helps you re-group and have the chance to work on yourself. It also makes you appreciated others when you do mix, as I have become more choosey who I am around and what I choose to do. I love this channel and all these videos and always look forward to the next one. Thank you.
I used to be also a people pleaser I was guilt tripped to it Time after time Until I lost myself, it was a very difficult time and required a lot of patience with myself and my conditioning behaviour The most difficult rescue of my life But I got myself back again and I am happy to be me, once again
While finishing off my high-school I figured I wanted to help people. And I did for a while during my 6 years in ER. But during my time there it was plain to see that people seek pleasantries instead of being helped. It made me grow distant towards people I came in contact daily through my shifts. Everyone and everything blended in together. I started disliking and later hating people overall. The small minority of people are actually pleasant and nice to deal with while the majority (the loud one of course) were expecting too much. It takes a certain amount of ignorance to deal with most of people looking for help after you deal with enough of them. Pleasing strangers and anyone outside of your close people/ones circles costs too much and is rarely worth it. I don't mind at all helping someone I'm close to or care about but the common stranger is usually the ones I avoid lending a hand to. Too many rotten apples in the basket to try and figure out which one is grateful for it. One would wish that everyone was as thoughtful as you'd expect and alas... It is what it is. Don't fall for stupid schemes or traps, manipulations that people throw at you. You're better than that and you know it but are afraid to admit it. Time for you to care about yourself once in a while. Be egoistic but not narcissistic. That is the key to proper balance.
"Pleasing strangers and anyone outside of your close people/ones circles costs too much and is rarely worth it." That includes my demanding dog! Just as @SIERRATREES said, animals need attention too! Though my partner thought I gave too much attention (and treats!).
Thank you for this video. I was just having a conversation with my girlfriend last night about how me being a people pleaser has led to relationships being crippled or deteriorated completely. I resonated with this video. I think the solution is exactly what you said at the end. Knowing what you want and don’t want is the best way to set boundaries.
I was also a people pleaser until I learned the skills for Non Violent Communication. NVC brought me my identity because I learnded to see what my needs en feelings are in every (tiny) situation
I can say it started when my great-grandmother died. Since I was a teenager at that time it was crushing and very hurtful. The hurt made me more independent and it helped me be somewhat free from other people's values they may want me to bestow.
I had always been a people pleaser. Maybe conditioning and a predisposition towards it. By gaining awareness I I was able to stop. We must set boundaries for ourselves. These not only help us but our boundaries help others as well.
I've had sleeping problems since I was 13, and was resorting to altruistic suicide at 21 and was sent to a mental hospital. The hardest thing about recovering from depression, is having to reintroduce yourself to your family, and everyone starts fights with you because they liked it better when you kept everything to yourself. Love is the truth, but everyone drives me insane sometimes. Just another day in America. 💜☯️🌌
Thank God, you realize your "people-pleaserness" at young age, Ive just realized mine at early 40. I was (or am still) the dutiful son/employee. My mother is like your father was, bragging about our accomplishments as her achievements, she even claims that it is her "complains" that make us succeed. After all these years, it's difficult to learn self-love & knowing my own needs. If look deep inside, if it keep going like this, I'll be the narcissistic one putting other people in people-pleasing position. Somekind of overcompensation.
I have such a compulsion for it i had to go the opposite route temporary to correct my behavior. Goals saying "no" 10 times in one week. Activly disagreeing with someone. Spouting my opinion. All very outside my learned people pleasing behavior. But it taught me that nothing bad would happen if I set boundaries etc. The experiment really took the fear out of getting uncomfortable.
