Attachment Theory in two minutes 

Thanks for your comment which made me think about why I did it this way. I had been finding the classical 'quadrant' explanations rather unhelpful. To my way of thinking about it, people who are insecurely attached are likely to be anxious, and their attachment style is how they manifest the expression of that anxiety. The categories you have seen puzzle me. Isn't dismissive just another word for avoidant? Fearful and anxious are also synonyms? OK Chaotic is the same as Disorganised. I'd love to hear what you think of this.

Thank you for that feedback! I have a headache right now and cannot say I'm an expert but I'll give it my best shot. Avoidant comes in two flavors, Dismissive and Fearful, that are at one level polar opposites of each other, and at a MUCH deeper level, actually very similar. So in a way it can be indeed seen as two different forms of anxiety. However Dismissive avoidants, before dismissing others and the needs of others, actually dismiss their own feelings and need for human attachment, and the everyday anxiety that comes with it. It's like they're a powerhouse, but with feet of clay. So it's more a dormant seismic fault/hidden fissure, than anxiety. Anxiety is suppressed, as are emotions and feelings, in the Dismissive avoidant (DA), whereas an Anxious Preoccupied (AP) is usually very much in touch with his or her emotions and feelings. From what I understand, Fearful Avoidant (FA) is an extreme form of Anxious, or perhaps, Anxious whenever fear of abandonment & rejection is triggered. Dismissive Avoidants have learned since childhood to outlaw feelings & emotions, since that was met with either outbursts or silent treatment by their caregivers. ie, they were dismissed themselves and had no one to turn to as they grew up, and had to adapt to that. The only way to survive was to not expect love. Lacking a secure model, they have learned to be hyper self reliant, are used to human-to-human emotions not even being a thing, not "getting" why others make such a big deal out of feelings, and feeling overwhelmed by the feelings & needs for closeness of others. They do have feelings however, but they are suppressed, and when real closeness arises - which of course they yearn for deep down - it overwhelms their system of stoicism so they pull back and pretend nothing ever happened, finding relief in the fact that the unsustainable situation is over, finding comfort in workaholism, distractions, creature comfort, binge watching, binge drinking, etc., until the cycle repeats. Because supressed feelings are in fact very much there deep down and will come back "with a vengeance" once things have cooled down (the rinse and repeat usually moving down to another candidate to see if by any chance the same recipe yields a different result. Spoiler: not without realizing you're sabotaging yourself and seeking counsel to learn to change your heart. The makeshift tools of infancy have served their purpose and can be honored, however relying on them in the adult life is like relying on an antivirus from the past century - it will do more harm than good. I've just come up with that 😀) Fearful avoidants on the other hand, have learned either in childhood or in adulthood sometimes, to become hypervigilant, anxious to meet every need from the significant other they long for. For them, the only way to survive, was to give love for two. Sometimes they model after a parent that did that him or herself, sometimes it is because the caregiver would only give care in situations of anxiety ("omg are you hurt/sick/hungry/etc?") and they modelled the anxiety itself. The irony is that DAs, who don't know to express their feelings since they try to live without them*, are initially very attracted to APs/FAs, since the latter are the closest thing there is to mind readers, seeing APs/FAs have grown to be hypervigilant experts at anticipating needs & crises with their caregivers. However this soon creates tensions as one will trigger each other dramatically. The Dismissive avoidant pulls back, stops replying, breadcrumbs, which would already hurt a secure person, but this sends the Anxious person into a panic, thus hoping and sometimes demanding more closeness and proofs of love, to the point where, out of fear of rejection, they too become avoidant. *(they supress feelings where humans are concerned ; I would dare say that with pets they can be wholly different) It seems that deep down, both Dismissive Avoidants and Fearful Avoidants are convinced they are flawed, somehow, and are just waiting for the other shoe to drop and expect to be dumped at any time. For DAs it is closeness that triggers the fear and then the preventive termination of the relationship. For FAs it is coldness or perceived coldness and lack of interest from the significant other which triggers the fear and subsequent shutdown. By the way, it seems that one's very system, which leaned to either become anxious, or suppress anxiety, has a LOT to do with the autonomous nervous system, the one responsible for Fight or Flight or Freeze or Fawn - look up Polyvagal Theory. I seem to recall that it's the primary system until age 3, and that's why what was imprinted then becomes a structural part of ourselves. The good news is recovery is possible - it will of course take time and brave efforts to overcome oneself. To conclude, I can't put links on RU-vid comments (they get squelched most of the time), but you'll find daily talks about this on the following channels: - The Personal Development School/ Thais Gibson - Briana MacWilliam - Coach Court - Dr Kim Sage - Katya Morozova - Dr Sarah Hensley - Chris Seiter - Confessions of an Avoidant - Nathalie Louise Remarkable POV short videos by - YoutheCEO - Jimmy on Relationships - Raescurlsandbags Remarkable Short animations by - School of Life I see there are many many more but those are the channels I watch and to whom I owe so much. I look forward to discovering more of your great content! Cheers from France

@@luketimewalker Thanks so much for this deeply thoughtful reply. I guess it shows up my self imposed constraint of keeping my videos to 2 minutes! I do find compatibility in our approaches. To me, avoidant is an orientation to the stress of not wishing to know our natural desire for relationship and dismissive/fearful differentiates the triggering mechanism. All theories about the human condition are just theories (or attempts to find patterns). We are amazing, complex, individuals that can't really be categorised. I tend to think of my schematic as a 'heat map' where we can exhibit all the characteristics depending on the circumstances, with probably the dominant style being the one we go to when we are most stressed. Best wishes from England

@@talk-works hey there There is truth in what you say, and I too am always carving at reality in my own sweet way, sometimes agreeing with the lot, sometimes not. For instance theories around the works of John Bowlby haveevolved and refined over time. However, same ingredients tend to produce same results. And if you look at any of the links I have provided, there is an endless stream of comments saying something along the lines of "omg you're describing me so well it's painful". So, the electron isn't really here nor there, there will always be room for improvement describing its course, however the behavior of the atom is pretty much spot on! Cheers

Agreed (until you enter the quantum realm 😁). If you have any ideas for a two minute simplified explainer video I'd be happy to cooperate with you, I appreciate the way you think.

Glad it was helpful!

Thank you for your comment and I'm glad you liked it. Are there any other topics in this area that you'd like to see a two minute video on?

Glad you liked it. Thank you for your kind feedback.

This is a really good question and it's going to depend on the relationship that is formed with the therapist. The best way I can express it is that secure attachment is what the body anticipates and expects. Insecure attachment is what the body learns as a survival response to a non-ideal situation. So rather than thinking of it as learning secure attachment, think of it as unlearning insecure attachment. I hope that this way of looking at it makes it feel like a natural return to self rather than a hill to climb.

I'm not a therapist but I think it's both ways: Identifying the beliefs that form your attachment behaviour, thinking and searching for alternative beliefs and adopting them in your life, and most important repeatedly recalling this and acting with this new beliefs in your heart so they become a new habit, the secure attachment

How to identify hidden subconscious beliefs that form your insecure attachment: In the next period of time watch what you have as heart-set and mindset when you do something, think of why you did it and what needs and beliefs are there in your heart and mind before you wanted to do it. Start with situations you easily can tell the belief, need and intention. Write a note every time you are conscious of a belief in any situation. With this you will also shed light on the hidden beliefs that are automatic in you in other situations e.g. when acting according to the insecure attachment. The more situations you get conscious about the easier unconscious parts will be accessible consciously. But take only one or two situations at a time. Getting conscious of these beliefs enable you to consciously rewrite the program and install healthy beliefs. But you have to already have some alternative beliefs ready to internalize, write into the program. So before all of this getting-conscious process, look for inspiration for healthy beliefs :)

@@talk-works I disagree. The way to build a new habit is by actually building it regardless of other bad habits. It is the easier way. Sometimes your old habit will come up but if you have built a solid new way/ habit it will be easy for you to let it go, because you got some other right track to go. Don't tell yourself what not to do and don't forbid yourself anything, just tell yourself what alternative to go and strengthen it by repetition of recalling the new beliefs and actions according to them. This is the most secure and easiest way to free yourself from a bad habit. Or would you change a mattress that is bad for you by first throwing it away and then start looking for a good one?

@@suemeyraoz8803 your second response is very good. you can only go as fast as a persons ability to accept such and has the will power to follow thru. some peoples psyche is so severly damaged they have to move in baby steps, others who are at rock bottom have no where to go but up WHEN THEY recognize and CHOOSE to change. some people are forces of nature and once they are taught to recognize the unknown, moving a mountain to get to the top and be the guru is just a matter of time to them. how fast any one goes is at their discretion of what they are comfortable with in first accepting, and then growing. Pinocchio

Old can indeed be free, and it is very heartwarming to hear your insight. While we have life, we have the possibility to continue learning. Best wishes to you.