Autism, Isolation & Misanthropy 

If u relate to this video PLEASE share it. RU-vid is already starting to stop showing it to people. Also, this video is categorically not telling anyone to force themselves to socialize. It's about not hating humanity itself & how hard it can be to build community while things are so bad for everyone.

"I can't even hold my camera up in public" I legit feel this in my bones. even when I'm just looking at my phone, if the camera portion isn't covered by the case or my fingers I feel an extreme sense of anxiety

I was only formally diagnosed this week, at the age of 34. As someone who was also broken down working in the service industry for years, during that segment of your video I caught myself thinking "God, if only I had figured this out sooner like she did." Of course, by the conclusion I realized, with a combination of relief, hope and existential dread, that the takeaway from this video is demonstrably different. :)

This video spoke to me in ways I didn't know I needed to be spoken to. Sending you love, always 💜

Beautiful piece, Mica. At the teen outreach I work with, many of the kids there will answer our icebreaker questions in ways that amount to "I want to be invisible" and I've always wondered if that was something generational, something particular to the LGBTQ+ community, or something else. But your video makes me reflect that a TON of the kids there are ND in various ways so it makes sense now from this perspective. Thanks for putting yourself out there!

FYI "introvert" is a personality trait and isn't to be confused with being asocial, which is when you don't like social situations and people, and being antisocial, which is where you actively engage in behaviours that violate other's rights and don't feel guilt.people mix them up all the time, and it drives me nuts.

This video hit really really hard. Thank you Mica, for your art and your insight.

As hard as it is for me to socialize, especially with allistic people, I crave social interaction because it gives me so much happiness. Also I'm a union girl and you can't unionize by yourself. But shit is hard, especially when allistic people never mean what they say and never say what they mean. That's the trouble with living in an anti autistic world while also wanting to socialize and organize. However, overall I've found that the outdoors also contains other autistic folks and radical communities that want the same goals as me. This video really spoke to the struggles of needing to socialize in an allistic world.

I'm beginning to think I might have autism, and the things you're talking about are really helping. Thanks for helping remind me I'm not alone.

I’m autistic and I really struggle with the whole I don’t want to be perceived thing. I’m so self conscious of EVERYTHING I’m doing when I’m in public, constantly worrying about drawing attention to myself. I even have trouble making phone calls when my partner is around, even though I trust him completely and he is the safest person I have in my life. I’ve never heard anyone else talk about these kinds of struggles and I’m so grateful that you made this video. Knowing that other people have the same experiences makes me feel a little less alone, a little less like there’s something horribly wrong with me

This resonated so hard, especially in regard to the work situation, these spaces just aren’t designed for neurodivergent people and it took so long for me to stop blaming myself for struggling so hard to keep jobs that I physically couldn’t stand

I want to say that I relate so heavily to every aspect of this video. I suffer from CPTSD, but after an entire life of being the "other", of being not a human, I am beginning to suspect that I may have deeper developmental issues that are impacting my life. If I hear one more person tell me I am too smart to have problems, I think I might snap. I even get that from my own therapist. It is really difficult to consider myself a Humanist, and yet despise the vast majority of humanity so sublimely. I hate my misanthropy, and yet it is a trauma reaction I have come to learn. I am the western equivalent of Hikokomori, leaving my home only to see my therapist. I experience the same difficulties in employment as you, in just as a myriad of employment selections as well. Everyone loves me in my job... until they don't. I guess that's masking. I hope nobody ever has to experience how difficult life is for those like us. it is definitely hard mode, and not anywhere remotely because of choice. Perhaps one day I shall find my communal ideal as philosophized by Epicurus. It is my dream. Just a small tribe of a dozen folks who help each other whom we can implicitly trust. I hope we all can find such solace. I hope you can get as close to your solace as possible.

Being perceived is triggering to me because of the wat I felt perceived as a child. One way this manifests for me is being self conscious about buying particular foods if I think the people around me will know what I'm going to make with it. I hate feeling like people can know where I'm going. And it's strange too, I love people! I love community! And yet, I spend my entire life in my bed if I don't have anything planned. I'm at war with myself.

I’ve always kind of loved people, even as I deeply feared them at the same time. The variety of things people can be is deeply fascinating, and I’d love nothing more than to just explore all the differences. That didn’t stop my social phobia from developing though. I end up wanting to just disappear from reality, feeling like I can’t truly belong. Exposing myself to social settings only seemed to make it worse over time. I still wouldn’t say I hate people, but I’m not sure if I love people anymore. I’m simply terrified, and if there’s anything I do hate it’s the fact that the world can do this to us.

I'm a self-diagnosed autistic trans woman, and the phrase "do not perceive me" is something I think to myself a lot when I'm out shopping. Especially if I'm by myself. I really want to have more people that are consistently in my life, but it's so difficult. This is definitely on me, as I never initiate contact, but it still sucks.

Thank you for another wonderful, thoughtful video, Mica. "The only thing that happens when you step outside your comfort zone is that your comfort zone becomes smaller and harder to leave" - this made me cry because I felt it so deeply. My past experiences with social rejection have led to me developing really severe RSD, which can make my social behavior even more strange and offputting to other people. There are times I just feel like a living web of emotional scar tissue. You are doing incredible work by being so vulnerable and articulating these raw, tender feelings so clearly. Wishing you a happy spring and summer before fall and winter blessedly return!

This one hits home. I used to be the same way - hiding in my room, analyzing every spoken word from strangers for reasons to feel guilty or ashamed for just existing in the same space with them, rejecting real opportunities to connect with others. I'm also a person who refuses to hide who I am, and indeed would often be a bit hardcore about making sure other people didn't disrespect me. At times, I was pretty toxic. This started changing once I began transitioning, and more so when I was officially diagnosed with ASD1 in 2019. But it wasn't until I lost everything in 2020 - fiancee, chosen family, home, dream job, hope - that I finally started taking my grab bag of neurodiversity and severe mental illness seriously, and I changed. I actually love people. And now that I've found myself, who I truly am, I'm more compassionate and kind (yes, even to clueless NTs), and I love to live out loud as I am. Not everyone can do that. So for those of you still on that journey, just know, I'm out here living unapologetically in the hope that all of us who can will help create a world where those still isolating, still feeling scared or confused or just plain exhausted, can choose to join us if that's what they want. Either way, you're valid, you're good, and I'm proud of you!! 💙

The embarrassment is very relatable, taking a selfie in front fo my partner even is mortifying.

I relate very closely to the idea of not wanting to be perceived. Being racialized can cause an almost continual feedback loop of watching myself and my behavior very carefully, while being alert to others who may or many not be looking at me. There's the busy categorization and prioritizing of energy allocated to thoughts, feelings and behaviors, and so much more. I've been working at picking apart misanthropy, at least to enough of a degree to keep my discomfort--my dis-ease--local to myself. I don't find myself lonely very often, which I am grateful for. It's good to see you. Glad you're here.

I've got ADHD and I relate to this so much. Between that and being trans not wanting to be perceived describes large parts of my life

This felt relatable, the fear of taking up space is very much real for me. There are things I want to do but hold back on because of not wanting to be loud and obnoxious, or just inconvenience someone, I can't think of any reason why this is. This problem has only grown in years because of being stuck living with my parents, feeling trapped. I hopefully will get the help I need soon so I can move out and build a life for myself of my own choice.

One of the most useful takeaways i got after my diagnosis was learning to give myself grace when i can't do something i find too hard. So please remember you don't HAVE to film a TikTok at a bus stop if it's too uncomfortable, especially beacuse you already manage to be seen and effective in your own majestically autistic way! But if you really want to prove yourself, good luck :)

I've had a life where positive socialization was non-existent and I faced a ton of trauma. I'm aware I'm a misanthrope but... it's hard not to be. Add PTSD to the mix where "normal" society feels like an entirely different culture, and it furthers my isolation.. I'm just a plain misanthropic hermit at this point in my life and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I feel robbed...

Mica you’re being way too relatable for me. I’m seeing myself in this video and I’m not sure I like it. Keep up the good work, Mica, ilysm

Every single meaningful friendship I've ever had in my life has fallen apart due to my executive dysfunction and extremely low social battery that would not allow me to engage in friendships at the crazy level that allistic people require. Coming to terms with the fact that I might never have friends is difficult, and sometimes I still try to delude myself into thinking I can change that without sending myself into weeks long, life ruining autistic burnout, but videos like this one help a lot and mean the world to me. Thank you for this.

I just googled "I hate people" and "I don't wanna be perceived" like 20 hrs ago and then I see this video recently uploaded. THANK YOU 🙌 I'm a 33 guy in the middle of my ASD diagnosis process, unemployed for 6 months. I've always tried to avoid people, 'cause I'm in physical pain whenever I have to interact, except when I'm giving classes. I'm a language teacher and I love it, but definitely not a fan of PR, marketing, finances, and everything else needed to get more and better students. I just can't sell myself, it feels so disingenuous to me, even when I've received great feedback from past students, the impostor syndrome keeps winning. Some people have suggested I become a content creator so it's easier to showcase my skills and services, but it's so difficult, it's like having another job completely 😭 I don't really use social media, I hate being perceived even in digital form. I am so afraid of judgement, 'cause I know I judge others 😞 (even writing this comment is giving me full anxiety, pffft) I'll try practicing in public like you did and maybe I'll be uploading a video here soon or have a bunch of TikToks ready to upload for the next 6 months, who knows. Once again, THANK YOU 🙏

I always feel like “do not perceive me” but my special interests are playing music and theater wich makes it really hard to not be perceived. And also i’m the opposite of shy… i’m really not loud or the class clown or smth but i’m always in the middle if it’s about my special interests wich i then sometimes enjoy. idk how to explain this feeling…

Loved this video. I so appreciate your openness and vulnerability, especially at the end - this truly did humanize the process/struggle of creating, and still managed to inspire hope. Also many congrats to Boba on catching the fly :)

Very relatable ❤ sure sucks not being able to do stuff because someone might see you doing it.

This hits so close to home; the idea of not wanting to be perceived. I don't think I could be so brave as to film myself in public - I'm far too self-conscious of everything I do - so I am proud of you for doing so at all - doing what I always was too scared to do. That part about not being able to speak at home in case people overhear is also how I am. Even though I am very close with my family, I can't play music out loud, can't take a phone call, can't practise speaking in my target language, without worrying what they will think - even if that 'what' is likely nothing at all. And I'll be the first to admit, I do get a bit jealous when I see someone in public, phone facing towards them, revelling in themself like a star, effortlessly taking selfie after selfie without a seeming care as for the result; or for the glaring eyes they are bound to attract. If I have even the slightest inclination there are people around I retreat into myself, matter of fact I can't even eat in public without worrying whether I look this way or that way. I can't wear all of the things I want to either in case I look too feminine and then I'll get judged. I promise I don't hate people, in fact quite the opposite: I like people even if they don't like me, and I do like the interaction too even if it does get me humiliated and cause me dread sometimes, because I can see that there are kind people in the world. also, on a less serious note, in my family we call my dad's mam 'gran' and my mam's mam 'nan' so I think you were right that there is a difference and everyone else is wrong

Hey, just wanted to say I discovered your videos just as I was going through my own autistic burnout (and diagnosis, at age 40) process and I wanted to say thank you. I absolutely love what you do and how you present your points and I think what you're doing is not just great, it's important. You may only be presenting a curated version of yourself in your videos, but the self you present, at least, is a wonderful person and I think the world is a better place because it has you in it :).

I can relate so much to the fear of being genuine and vulnerable, of being perceived and judged unkindly. Your videos and your journey are inspiring, and I thank you for sharing.

i relate. ive wanted strongly to film myself outside for videos in the past and ive tried many many times and if i ever got to positioning my camera and hitting record id have already lost most of my brain, and if i had anything to say then the people walking by would be the nail in the coffin. i also feel really really weird seeing other people filming themself in public and doing arts like wall calligraphy and drawings, i'd just not understand how they could just be doing that (and my thought process would be very very complexly flawed, cause obviously they built up courage and they have a different brain than me, but it still baffled me how it was possible at all). also literally doing anything outside that isnt walking and maybe some discreet stimming is so hard for me. always always have a hard time being perceived, doing anything, to any amount of passengers outside

Yeah okay that's a deep cut right there... But also I just don't think that most people are really okay with those who 'film tiktoks at bus stops'. Pretty sure they don't ever get confronted about it but I have this hunch the most people would say that they find this kind of thing obnoxious when asked for their opinion privately. And just generally I don't think walking around filming yourself and talking into a camera is a normalized thing in society at this point really. We just think that it is because we see people who film themselves in public online pretty much every day but to be this sort of person, it take a certain level of social obliviousness that is kinda unattainable to the vast majority of people. Sometimes this obliviousness can be perceived as confidence but to me they are 2 sides of the same coin. I will say that it's different when there's another person filming you in public, I feel like it doesn't come with the same connotations as when it's you filming yourself but that's like a whole 'nother can of worms so... Anyway regardless of that, thank you so much for making this video, it's encouraging seeing someone being so open about the sorts of struggles that most of us have to go through privately and internally

in my journey of realizing myself, this video is full of things that I relate to. I've wanted to be a youtuber since smosh got popular and have never been confident enough to go through with it. I tried being a musician too, with that being the last thing i truly wanted, and when the pandemic came and ruined that temporarily, i just became a hermit instead, not pursuing any passions because that means people will look at it. I always felt like I'm too late to something, like it's too late to be a youtuber or a musician or too late to pursue anything interesting to me. when I was a kid I saw bitcoin get bigger and bigger and it put an evil truth in my head that I'll never be able to start anything, and while I would say that 'it's never true' to a friend, I would believe that myself. it's like I'm a grifter for my own self advocacy. I've been learning quite a bit about autism and trauma and being queer and trans and all the joys life offers if you just put yourself there, but I'm still not confident enough to try more than a bare minimum level of existence. back to the video, i think loneliness is a unique type of marginalization, because inherently, you are away from people, where is much harder to build a community. there's gonna need to be a lot of unique and creative solutions to solve it this was a pretty great video, it got me thinking a lot, and a little more inspired to be myself, if only inspiration itself could make change.

Mica, it's a huge step that you're not walking in a circle anymore. I hope you're proud of that because I sure am. And I found it very hopeful to see. 💖

Your videos are too relatable for me. Every one of your autism-themed essays I watched made me more convinced that I'm autistic. I'm 39, and all my life I've been thinking that I was just introverted, struggling with the perceived "irrationality" of my fears.

I have always been told that I am "just shy" and an introvert and (not so loudly, but still) that I shouldn't pretend I am something special whenever I tried to express those feelings. Today I think that it is very possible that I am "just autistic"... (not sure if it would be useful for me to be diagnosed). I really admire that you were able to speak out loud when in public, I can't even do that when home alone! And the manner you speak is just beautiful.

This really helped me. I'm currently suffering from isolation; I have no choice in a lot of cases, and it feels like I'm dying sometimes. It's comforting knowing there might be community out there for me if I keep looking, and its even more comforting to know that its not a bad, self centered thing to want people to remember me.

This one hit close to home. I'm a nurse and I like to think I'm pretty decent at it. The only thing is, I can't function properly if my patients are conscious and of sound mind, or infront of coworkers. Currently I'm working overnights, alone, with patients who can't communicate and I'm thriving. It's taken a long time to even figure out that this is what works for me. And I'm okay with it for now. I don't want to be this way forever though.

this whole video really hits home for me, but i especially want to thank you for showing yourself still wearing a mask!

As someone who unknowingly had ADHD for the longest time, I relate to the feeling of ashame out in public. I felt so bad about myself for being so bad at life for the longest time for having nothing to show for it dispite trying harder than I assume most people out there do. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong, why I needed to look at the instructions for a task a lot more than other people, why I always forget easy stuff why more than my peers, why I wasn't motivated to do anything unless there was a strong sense of urgency, why couldn't do almost anything efficiently without a body double, and why I almost chronically got distracted by anything more interesting than what I was doing even from my own thoughts.

The way you integrate the large scale social and political with the personal and intimate is brilliant. I'm currently doing medical research on the psychological and psychiatric impact of SLE/lupus. It's such a complex topic, and I'm convinced we'll only really make progress when we acknowledget the way that bodies and minds and the social environment are an integrated whole (and that capitalist patriarchy makes us sick!). Your vids are genuinely a model for explaining how that works

Gods, this is beyond relatable. I've been caught between crippling loneliness and a combination of fear of and irritation towards the general public for years now. I, too, burned out of service jobs (and I, too, had the most success at the ones that let me do backline work and never interact with customers, but even those got toxic and couldn't be maintained without burning out) and am currently in the unenviable position of relying on the support of others and trying to find some form of income from remote work (I can't even imagine returning to any work that requires interaction with the public, I feel like I'm still recovering from the last time, years later) and generally struggling not to give up hope on ever leading a fulfilling life. After the loss of a close friend and fleeing what I thought was a (queer and neurodivergent-affirming) safe space due to incredibly painful drama, it's very easy to fall into the misanthropic isolationism trap, even if both of those events were...some time ago now. A year? More? I don't know, what is time? (a vague, highly subjective blur, that's what) I mean how else is one supposed to react when even the spaces that appear safe to be myself in still somehow end in a painful, shameful withdrawal? The problem of course being that, while it may be substantially lower than that of the mythical creature known as "extrovert," I do still have *some* need for socialization, so complete withdrawal is not really a viable solution. Even just writing a RU-vid comment is terrifying, because WHAT IF SOMEONE SEES IT?!?!? Even if that's like...technically the point. Anyway, I wanted to do so anyway, in spite of the fear, because of how much this resonates. Also, assuming you even remember some fellow autistic weirdo's comments from however long ago, the above is why I haven't commented since...whenever I last did. Still here though, and still love your work. Keep it up!

So much in this video feels very familiar. I found it helpful to really live out my misanthropy, both with my facial expression and by actually jelling at people that annoy me. And it creates a nice and comfy vicious circle: When I still feel uneasy around people and think they are staring at me, I get more enraged automatically. To the point where I really don't care about my surroundings any more. Another positive aspect of the vicious misanthropy circle is that most people appreciate anger and rage and everyone just loves you instantly. Yes, some sarcasm ... although ... this is how I survived school ... 🙁

''I do not wish to be perceived'' This exactly. I'd love to go partying and go places where people are, I just don't want to be seen, touched, looked at, PERCEIVED.

This is super cathartic to hear someone else say.

It'd be a pretty shit anarchist commune that wouldn't love and celebrate the people who need quiet and stillness.

very relatable. I'm horribly scared of people but I do love them. humanity is so full of opportunity and imagination and love, and I find it fascinating, so I write and explore all the wide and amazing possibilities. I people watch loads too. because I do love people. but I also find myself so very very scared of them. I've been hurt many times. I'm hurt over and over again still every time I put myself out there. it's like you say: the comfort zone just becomes smaller and smaller. I'm trying very hard to find and or make the community that I can be a part of, and I've found a bit of it online by putting myself (and my writing) out there. but it's infinitely harder to do so in person. so I hide away. what I see in myself is significantly more of a fear of people than it is a hate of people. which, I'm not sure how to overcome yet. but I do want to trying doing it.

not being able to cope with service work is killer in the US. i mean that literally too. thank you always for your inspiring words and your thoughtfulness. ♥

This is the most relatable video I’ve watched in years. All of it. Running out of energy to pass/mask after years of putting myself into a job that requires socialising (supporting those with autism living within the community ironically) because it felt like the only way to get myself out there in any solid capacity. Struggling with the wolves you mentioned and still doing so like an never ending trench war and constantly rationalising in order to keep myself from hating other people or myself the way I used to when I was younger. Stretched and squeezed by changing seasons as much as my inconsistency when dealing with others. It’s exhausting but important to remember we’re not alone, else the lack of external perspective and exposure to the wider world makes my difficulties getting myself out there even harder than they need to be. It’s a tightrope balancing between rest and recover to prevent burn out and pushing against myself against my comfort zone to prevent it getting any smaller and falling into isolation. It’s hard but it’s not any easier if we give up trying to maintain what few connection to others we’re able to make… in fact I’d say that’s worse. Life is definitely more work for some than others but that doesn’t mean life isn’t worth living, even if we have to deal with others failing to see the extra efforts we make in order to keep up. Thanks for the video.

thank you for helping me exposing my own pain. i stopped making videos when i was spotted one time making one. this is hard. i feel you.

I have never in my life seen someone discuss exactly how I’ve always felt, and I also have never been able to find the words for it. I felt like you were inside my brain, and yet I’ve struggled to explain this to others for so long! Thank you for this gift - I’ve just found your channel and I can’t wait to see more.

When there are people around, any people, I am perpetually thinking about the space I take up. I didn't really start coming to grips with just how much this was affecting me everywhere until recently. Even at home it is a problem. I get so much done and feel so much more motivated when there's nobody around. But as soon as I'm aware of the presence of someone, it's like a large portion of my brain becomes dedicated to that fact and it becomes so much harder to do anything. Out in public it is a constant negotiation between examining my space and the space of others around me and just trying to do what I'm there to do. That said, man, it's such cope that we often treat ourselves as separate from "people". I'm super guilty of this myself so I'm not finger wagging here. I get the motivation. It's just turning our sense of alienation outwards. That said, all of my misanthropy is sorta, passive? I guess? I don't "want the meteor". I find the "Oh ho ho, aren't people the worst?" memes to be kinda cringe. But I wouldn't be sad if the meteor came, ya know? It was kinda the same thing a couple years ago when I was very depressed. I didn't want to die. I was just fine with not existing. It's kind of passive aggressive and cowardly when I think about it. But also, there are cool people. So I think I'd always have trouble committing to full on misanthropy lol It's nice knowing that other people deal with this too. I think this is the first time I've ever encountered another autistic person really narrowing in on this aspect of things in a way that holds a mirror up to my own behaviors.

I'm from Stoke and used Nan for my Dad's Mum and grandma for Mum's Mum. You weren't alone ;)

I was a bit late for the premiere, but I managed to watch all of it now... and I feel I really needed this. This felt both extremely validating and relatable, I really appreciate the effort you went through to make all of this a reality, as I see that it was very challenging ❤ As someone that constanly struggles with anxiety and self-doubt and it's still working on fixing my own issues (I started going to therapy 2 weeks ago!), I found myself nodding and just audibly saying to myself "YES, IT'S EXACTLY LIKE THAT" when you talked about being percieved and all the insecurities that come with it. I wish I could go more on details on some things u said that really hit the mark and will definitely stay in my mind for a LONG time but... well it's all very well said and done in the video so I really don't have much to add. All I'm gonna state is thank you, I really wish rn I could have financial independance so that I could join your Patreon, but maybe soon. 💞

im really excited for this video because while i'm autistic, i've never struggled much with anxiety so i want to understand more about it, to better understand some of the people i know. this looks like it will be enlightening!

Only part way through the video rn. I'm a mix between doomer and introvert. I've just had so many shitty things happen to me by people I once trusted. Strangers and especially family... I just can't trust people like I used to, and I'm jealous of those who can and seemingly never get hurt for it. It's just not fair. Now I socially isolate myself, although I don't really want to all the time. I'm just so tired.

I'm not me in public. My body is the dissociated and compartmentalized robotic servitor platform that carries my suspended compressed process snapshot state between points of interface. I resume existing at these interface points.

My autistic pain is wanting to socialize and make friends but my autistic traits either scare people off or make me a target for bullying. I've worked *incredibly hard* to become good at socializing, to increase my charisma, to learn how to be liked etc. But it's still really anxiety inducing and it turns out I now think about and notice things that people who are naturally "good with people" don't notice or think about. And still, at the end of all that effort and masking and curating and preparing, people still end up disliking me so much it feels like I'm hated.

I put this on my watch later playlist in fear of this video being too emotional or too accurate for me to handle and never intend for those videos to actually being watched by me later. But i'm glad i watched it right away. It's scary to take up space in a world where i feel that i'm in the way of other people all the time. Feeling like an inconvenience, a burden, or just a weird person back in middleschool. I think without my creative outlet i would be way more insecure. My art is a part of me that i can trust in and take pride in, talk about, show others. But sometimes i'm still ashamed that i'm pushing it in peoples faces, because i have nothing else thats interesting about me (except se exellent puns!!! But not many people like them). I hope to one day work with other creatives. I feel like the creative workfields are like a hiding place for former weird kids and we can find each other there and support one another for the first time in our lives. Thank you for your openness and bravery in this video. LETS TAKE UP SPACE!!🎉

This is incredibly relatable! I've been trying for what seems like years to put myself out there and say something about what is important to me. Thank you for this!

I've cried four times watching this. This was so inspiring, but also terribly hurtful seeing your vulnerable self. Ten years ago, I tried to be a more public person. My twitter handle description was "A loner in the pack, a leading follower. Always searching for a lonely place to howl for the others." After 5-10 tweets I disappeared into nothingness again. If you are talking about circles, I am rather a point, incomplete, inconsistent in identity. I am scared of legal aspects, becoming a target of bullying, endangering others just by speaking up against some injustice I see in the world. I am so chicken, and I wish I'd know how you did it, anyway, despite being probably anxious yourself about all that sh@#.

Great job for putting yourself out there and doing something really scary but very worthwhile! Or at least I think so, because this video turned out so good, really made me think ❤

I don't think I've seen this "I don't wanna be perceived rn" sentiment anywhere else but it resonates so much, I actually said that to partners before. Don't really know how to articulate how eye-opening it was to hear that said by someone else and I *will* mention this to my therapist now lol

I have never heard someone able to describe the horrible hate and fear that I feel towards all other people when trying to do things right and stay away from said people. Thank you so much. I can’t even tell where mine came from, I don’t know if I had childhood trauma because I don’t remember most of it… I wish I knew more. Thank you, Ember 💙

I'm only 9 minutes in but already in tears from how much I see myself in this video, thank you for making another banger 🖤🖤🖤

Oh, your name is ponderful as in ponder.. I always thought pond + wonderful = ponderful for some reason, ah well, lol.. Seems obvious now. *watches vid*

AU/ADHD here, and honestly this makes a lot of sense and I feel everything you're saying genuinely. It took about 3 years after my diagnosis at 26 to really begin to identify my limitations and needs, what exhausts me and what I need to be comfortable and it was really sobering. I don't necessarily want to be alone/unperceived. More so I recognize I have trauma from the life before my diagnosis where I didn't know I was different, why people treated me poorly, and how aggressively antagonistically designed the social space is in favor of neurotypical perception. So while I would argue I am naturally extroverted the energy I get from people is functionally a slow poison if I have to mask to get it. So I spend a lot of time alone, recovering, working up the energy to mask so I can get just a little more. It wasn't until the last year I began instead intentionally unmasking at times around people I trust and introducing them to the idea that they are unconsciously making the space hostile for people like me and making that opening for them to make an effort and show they care, or continue on and I'll know where I stand with them. And over time I am beginning to feel more energy. I can tell especially when it comes to my art. Two years ago I barely could find the energy, mentally and physically, to even doodle. But I'm able to spend an hour every other week or two to do a digital painting or some figure studies now. And my skills are growing just as fast now which gives me all the more confidence in moving forward. I'm lucky in a way that I am able to "function" reasonably well so long as my routine is uninterrupted, but it is way more fragile than I realized and introducing new people to my life destabilizes it. It is a very tight balance to walk, needing the energy from others, needing the routine to not collapse in a spiral towards breakdown, and wanting so very much to make the space more comfortable for all people.

Thank you for this. I related so hard. I am at constant war with myself with trying to be both understood and heard but yet taking up as little space as possible.

when your born a land animal, but you long for the sea. no matter how much you asociate with the land animals, you will always be a fish, sometimes being misanthropic is a blessing, as we see things that others cant even comprehend in one lifetime. people dont deserve repect unless earned, as the masses headed straight for toilet paper, i will never forget that. im glad im me, and im glad people stare like im a freak, becuase, to them, im an alien from another world, and they are just cows eating grass in a field, so let them chew on it .

I love your voice and accent. I relate so much to this video. I feel like you wrote this in my head. I am newly diagnosed low-level autistic at 46 yrs old. It has been a confusing and frustrating life. Things are starting to make sense though. I am looking for people like you to learn from and to better understanding myself. Thank you-

Ponderful? More like WONDERFUL

fuck. i been trying to convince myself i dont have it but ive never related to something so much in my life.

Wait wait Nan = paternal grandmother Gran = maternal grandmother That's brilliant, why didn't i think of that?

This video was really painfully relatable!! Thank you so much for putting yourself out there like this, it means a lot. Especially the part about jobs, being unable to work the regular 9-5 is really isolating, and it's so nice to see you arrive in a spot that makes you happy (at least as far as I can see)! I hope I'll be this brave one day :) But for now, writing a comment is my filming myself outside moment

Thanks for this, you have given me hope that there is a circle I could comfortably be part of

I'm autistic and have rather bad social anxiety. I socialise much better with the buffer of a computer screen and an internet connection between me and Other People. I often say that I don't hate people, I quite like people, I just have difficulty *trusting* people.

I'm aplatonic, but social and it makes things really difficult in my life. I want to be friends with people, but I don't like to be friends with individuals so I'm perpetually lonely even in a group of "friends".

TW: depression, suicide ideation, and probably some other things...s I have been thinking about all these points for 4 days now. There are so many things I relate to, that I don't really know how to begin expressing myself. I'm trans and I'd like to voice train, but its not that I don't do it if someone is home. I don't do it if I think my neighbours might hear me. Because I hear everything that happens around, and I don't like having to hear neighbour's noises, I strive to avoid doing what I don't like. At the same time, I'm feeling quite isolated in several ways. In a big part it's my own doing, because I'm avoiding people, and social interactions often are exhausting. Also, depression, migraine and probably some damage related from being ill from covid recently. And nobody seems to care about covid anymore, and I must have gotten infected while grocery shopping or in the elevator/hallways... For an anecdote, a friend of mine understood that "social exhaustion" that I and someone else sometimes had when hanging out. But instead of like 1-2 days hanging out, after a week and a half of traveling, working and meeting people constantly. On another note, with how my health currently stands, and how it has been for the last couple of years, I find it hard to keep going. For the last three years I've been just about to end my university degree and I'm feeling exhausted, I'm feeling incapable of continuing. Something that might help with several things, would be moving back with my parents, and see if my health can improve somewhat. However, my history with my parents isn't the best. And moving back will probably worsen my mental health, because they aren't the kind of people I like to be around. In short time, the discussions about how I am not normal will come back and I'll wonder how I ever thought they could change. And, I have to think about my future, what can I do to sustain myself with my skills? I haven't worked anywhere yet as I was studying veterinary medicine. Yet, as my migraines screw all my attempts as forming routines of any kind, as they can hit at anytime and last for a couple of hours to more than a day. I doubt I can hold a regular 9-4 job. Freelancing would be ideal, working on what I have to when I can. Right now it's 5 am and I haven't slept because my sleep schedule is all over the place. I will probably fall asleep in a couple of hours. But most of the things I have seen that I could apply for to gain even a bit of money, are things I haven't learned enough to make a living. Art, drawing, commissions, edits, social media, content production, coding, accounting, creative writing... I don't know how to do any of those things properly yet. I know the basics because I'm curious, and have dipped my toes in everything, but not enough to work on anything. Jack of all trades master of none. Funnily enough, the best way to start would be to try and make something. But I find my mistakes paralyzing and often I give up soon afterwards, something I should leave for therapy... Even know, I'm feeling that this comment is stupid, I am making it 4 days after I first watched the video, and it's quite probable that no one will read it, or read it to the end. So what's the point? If it's just me figuring out how to communicate, writing to help me realize things, I can delete it and I won't have to trouble anyone. Not to mention the fact that I am talking about some stuff that probably deserves a trigger warning and I should reread this and edit them and add them. I won't delete this probably for a matter of pride because I told myself I wouldn't. But I'm tired of fighting against myself. I'm tired of living in such a hostile world. I'm tired of living in a world that often refuses to change, and I want to try to help to change the world. But I'm too exhausted to care too much. I'm numb from the pain I have experienced for so long. But I'll still try to move forward, I'll still keep trying to make changes to a world that doesn't want me. If only because the hope that I might change the life of a single person is the only thing that kept me from suicide when I was twelve. So, even if I don't know how, I'll keep living, and hopefully I can change some things.

I'm in this video and I like it.

Thank you so much for this video, I saw so much of myself in it. The climate change Patreon plug was hilarious. I really liked this, thank you so much again.

It was so amazing to watch this video, I relate a lot to that sense of isolation, and doing it because your afraid of getting hurt and don’t want to be hurt like in the past, for me its taking everyday one step at time Im hopeful one day to also find my circle within a circle. Really awesome video

Liking this video is going to make the Algorithm think I like you. I don't know you at all. And my misanthropy and autism also shuts me away much of the time. What finally broke me was losing my last job, the software I was writing and the charity I had set up to make an observatory as the exit plan from that job. Losing my home and independence was the icing on the cake.

Thank you so much for making this video. So many of the experiences and feelings you've talked about hit really close to home, and I completely understand the inability and crippling fear that makes me unable to truly be myself in public. Even just mentioning that you froze up when in the sight of others makes me realize that I'm not alone in this, and that maybe things can work out if I keep trying. While I still have a long way to go, this video has helped provide a little bit of hope for me, especially in realizing that building up all of these internalized negative feelings and masking aren't exactly sustainable solutions. Again, thank you for having the courage to make this, and I sincerely hope that you can continue to find happiness and stability in this world that seems to screw us over at every turn.

Coming to this late. But the whole "do not perceive me" hating holding your camera up in public vibe; have other people had their phone to set vibrate their entire lives because the idea of your phone making a loud sound on the bus is terrifying?

I liked the video and I liked your presentation of the struggles. I have social anxiety and mask as well. Never diagnosed with anything but depression, but to be fair I have never really been very vulnerable and totally honest with a therapist. Maybe it is just depression, maybe I am on the spectrum but I KNOW I struggle to understand social cues, am very self conscious, mask fairly well (most people think I am an extrovert but I absolutely am NOT), and suffer from a fair bit of misanthropy. Thank you for sharing your experience. This is the first video I have seen from you and will be checking out more of your channel now.

OMG the "I hate people" memes! I am dying! (I still have a few of my favorites, tucked away somewhere only I can visit and giggle a little when I need to feel that "hate" ok this is getting very weird... bye)

Helping old people while grocery shopping: brain happy! Being recognized and greeted by old people i don't recognize: brain anxious!

Thank you for the video and sharing your work. Just a comment for support etc.

I don't hate people. I am fine with people as long as they stay the hell away from me.

On the point about perception, during the pandemic, I found I loved wearing a mask in public, especially along with a hat. It made me realise how powerful niqab can be. Having that control over what of yourself you let other people see is great (although I am conscious that my experience of public perception will be very different to most niqabis and other Muslim women in the "West"). Having a physical mask meant I was less obligated to socially mask for the gaze of strangers

Wow, I relate to so much of this. As another world traveler (Rotary exchange student to Germany for a year in high school, had no idea I was autistic back then) it was lovely seeing you out and about in Berlin. As someone who also has plenty of legitimate reasons to hate and give up on people (including similar work experiences like you shared), for reasons I still can’t explain … I just can’t. Maybe it’s partly because I know people like you, and so many other beautiful and talented artists and creators here and everywhere, exist. ❤

All I thought about throughout the intro was that I went out of my way to buy a "misanthrope"crop top with the definition on it, off of someone's Etsy store just so I don't have to socialize to explain why I'm so antisocial.

Wow this is so relatable. You make a difference. Thank you.

Community feels like a pipe dream to me. 😢

I have great difficulty allowing myself to record myself, even in a mere image, then there's my voice, which I'm convinced sounds like Jordan Peterson of all people noooooooooooo whyyyyyy...

13:50 I utterly fail at interviews. I got my current job (in a coffee shop) through a family friend and have been there for 10 years. Partly because the location (a train station) means that customer interactions are brief, partly because I've been relatively lucky that most of my colleagues have been... Also a bit weird, but mostly the fear of having to go through the job application process again, go through interviews, and meet a whole bunch of new people all at once.

This video hit hard. I knew it would as soon as I saw the title and thumbnail. It was especially nice to hear another autistic leftist talk about the competing desires to live in an anarcho-communist utopia and be a complete and total hermit. I feel that, so, so much. Of course, any true utopia would happily accept and accommodate disabled people, including people like us, but we would still probably be expected to socialize to some degree. Which would probably be good for us, but also very stressful. Then again, living in a more accepting and understanding society might help make it easier, which is all the more reason why we need to be involved in building that society.

I really appreciate a video like this because it articulates why neurodivergent antipathy to society is more nuanced than our cultural understanding of the word misanthropy. Like, we all knew that cringey cishet white guy who called himself a misanthrope at school because he "hates everyone equally." who conveniently only hates on women and minorities, and differentiating *that* from the very valid anger of neurodivergents who are tired of being forced to choose between living authentically and masking to reduce friction from the neurotypicals. The joke about the anarchist commune really hit home for me, because I too am a service industry vet in my 30s and I spend so much time placating the feelings of neurotypicals because they insist on reading malicious intention out of small mistakes, or expect me to read subtext into words that mean the opposite of what they want. I like caring for people, I would love to continue to do service work even after capitalism dies because I think everyone deserves a chance to be treated well and cared for. Everyone deserves a night to put their feet up and not worry about doing the damn dishes for once. But the way capital pits the worker and the customer against each other for profit is exacerbated by a society where everyone expects you to read minds and never say aloud what they actually want.